Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Thinking too much of oneself

One of the funnier reactions that people I know personally have had about the publication of the book is to re-evaluate our shared time together and impugn nefarious motives to our otherwise benign interactions. Some have suggested (wrongly) that I must have been trying to seduce them. Some believe that I was using them for some otherwise unremarkable and talent or interest of theirs -- using them for their extensive knowledge of French noir films, perhaps, or for their accordion skills? It's funny because almost in every case, their accusations are based on some inflated view of their own worth, desirableness, or even of my interest in them as a person. I say this not to be insulting. No one can be everything to everyone, but for some reason a lot of people have arrived independently at the conclusion that they must be the equivalent of catnip to me? Although I admire their megalomania (unless it's paranoia?), I have a lot of interests that take up a lot of my time. I couldn't possibly seduce or exploit everyone I meet.

This overestimation of one's usefulness or desirability reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from a favorite actress (last line):


50 comments:

  1. I think they are scared (or nervous). Usually when you are friends with someone, you like to think that it is a friendship based on more or less the same principles.
    That is to say,equal in some way. I like you = you like me.
    It would be like if my very BEST friend told me, I know you like me a lot, but I think you are just OK.
    It is like a case of unrequited love.
    That is my empath opinion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, it's a journey and takes some effort to find friends your truly compatible with. But it's worth it when you find them!

      Delete
  2. Maybe they were insulted that you weren't trying to use or seduce them.

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  3. Is this ME's grandiosity showing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She revels in the spot light, then insults her followers.
      What else would you expect from a sociopath, their not
      capable of much else.

      Delete
    2. Being diplomatic over your life, both professionally and personally is a skill

      People who have boundary problems are not the greatest at managing stuff, idk what happens to me that her life got upset and relationships fell apart every few years, but in order to prevent that from happening, you have to see manage your life better, which sometimes means stop associating and giving out to people who waste your time. Like trolls and groupies.

      There are people deliberately or unconciously putting mines out, sometimes they are even disguised as prey. I would imagine if someone wants to be mes prey then me has every right to insult them behind their back.

      And with te added publicity, youre gonna get some of that, me. Good , vvery good to keep a sense of humour about it, celebrity is a bitch, be careful what u wish for bla bla bla, and enjoy the show haha

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    3. " Being diplomatic over your life, both professionally and personally is a skill."

      Good insight, thank you. I'm working on developing this skill.

      Delete
  4. M.E. is enourmously attractive and has "star quality."
    She has layed an excellent foundation for transmuting to some
    more public personna, either as a T.V. "talking head" or in films.
    She has proven herself in these 5 years (And with her book) and has
    no reason to hide anymore. People, (most anyway) would NOT be
    out to harm her.
    M.E.'s next phase MUST be a public exposure. It's impossible for
    her to grow and progress otherwise. That's everyone's objective,
    insn't it?

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  5. HAaaaaa! That is hilariious.

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  6. Dr ginger, if you are here, when I looked up plausible denability yesterday, I clicked on a link from the narcissistic forum and coincidentally there was a section on soliciting unwanted friendships.

    I never thought about that, that a false self could enlist unwanted friendship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would you have a link to that site please?

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    2. I hate to think of what must have happened to you in your childhood. You have some pretty serious problems.

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    3. I am sorry but I will look. I think it is narcicisstic personality disorder sight. The conversation popped up when I put in "plausible deniability" and "narcissism"

      If you put the words "unwanted friendship" in the search that might also help

      Delete
    4. I could have worse problems. Why are you here?

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    5. I don't see what plausible deniability and false self have to do with each other.

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    6. Its just a coincidence.

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    7. ?... that madeline kahn is one of my favorite actresses too?
      W t f ME!

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    8. "Aaaaah sweet mystery of life at last ive found you", ME

      Delete
    9. Get over yourself, your NOT that important.

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    10. Omg u are boring and have absolutely no sense of humour. Why dont u google the quote and youtube it

      Delete
    11. Sweet mystery of life .young frankenstein .youtube

      Delete
  7. Also the other thing, the feeling you are being wooed when the other was really just taking your lead, being friendly.

    Sometimes that happens. You know how when you meet someone and then they feel obligated to give you their info and you feel the same obligation because you seem to be clicking, but both of you really just go through the motions and doing the "I think it is time to be socially appropriate" thing, and then maybe you are each relieved that the other is also not interested in pursuing



    I hate that!

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  8. Why can't people be more aware of the push and pull of friendship. I have this one friend who is constantly chasing me. I just don't want to see her, or have the time to see her, as much as she wants. Why can't people just wait for you to contact them once in a while?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some people, when they really like you, you have to be more clear. Have faith you are not going to offend her. if she is already yours, she will do what you want. Tell her to lay off. She will be happy to.

      Delete
  9. I submit for your consideration the possibility that you haven't discussed what you get out of non-exploitive relationships in terms that really get through to empaths (perhaps because it's not as interesting to discuss?). So, they believe all of your relationships are exploitive, and are trying to work through what you're exploiting with them.

    (I give them points for not assuming what makes *you* tick is the same as what makes *them* tick, with regard to relationships. They just don't understand you well enough to fill in all the gaps yet.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How did your sociopath exploit you?

      Delete
  10. 45% of people who engage in domestic violence meet criteria for borderline personality disorder. I wonder what the statistic is for sociopaths?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are 2 different sorts of abusers- the borderline type which exhibits high arousal and out of control emotions (that produce "crimes of passion" behavior) and the sociopathic type, which actually exhibits extremely low arousal during the abuse incident. In fact, a minority of abusers even have measurable heart rate drops during battering incidents and have described the experiences as "relaxing". Emotional control is never lost.
      The borderline batterer is far more common than the sociopathic batterer. A third type of batterer fits into neither category and is one half of a couple that is mutually provocative and abusive. In most abusive situations there is a high degree of emotional fusion/attachment between the abuser and victim.
      In the case of the sociopathic abuser, however, there is far less emotional attachment and more a sense of managing a piece of property that is interchangeable with any other piece of property. It's very difficult to measure what percentage of abusers are sociopathic because abusers use the appearance of rage as one of several intimidation tactics to compel victim compliance. The abuse model most first responders are trained to expect is the emotionally fused couple. A smart sociopath understands that playing to this stereotype makes the victim look complicit in the experience, so there's no upside to revealing how "in control" they are during an abusive episode.
      Short of hooking an abuser up to a heart rate monitor before the episode, it's very difficult to tell what's really going on in the mind of an abuser.

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. ME, this is a funny post. By "outing" yourself you have increased your ability to be narcissistic supply for a certain sort of individual. The unscientific name for people like this are star-fuckers.
    I think that the phenomena you are describing happens to many people who find themselves in the public eye. Certain people are drawn to you and engage in a certain narcissism by proxy as in "If this discriminating and special person is giving me attention, I must be very important". Your attention is validating in a way that a regular person's is not for people like this.
    I'd wager a guess that the most "suspicious" of your friends(?) are also the ones who are most in need of validation.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Machemp, do you think that friendship implies narc supply? I mean having friends gets you company and attention right? -So, you know how carrie in sex in the city wrote about her relationships and friends....used them as muses.. do you think her frie nds gave a shit?

    You think they were using carrie as narc supply? Some people just like to shoot the shit. You are pretty suspicious yourself, Machemp

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a columnist who sometimes mines personal experience for topics, I have learned the hard way that most people prefer that you don't use them as muses and you'd better disguise their identities. My younger children still like being written about but it is strictly off limits to write about my teenage daughters. I actually think Carrie on SITC crosses a lot of boundaries that would land me in hot water with my friends if I were to air private info in that fashion. Carrie's friends aren't real people. They are characters. Real people generally get embarrassed when they are called attention to in print unless it's to mark a career or personal triumph.

      Delete
  13. *site. Freudian slip

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  14. Why do you have to turn everything into something bad? Friendship is actually a beautiful thing. It's a shame you'll never truly experience it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who are you addessing,?

      Delete
    2. I'm not addressing friendship in general- I am addressing the individuals who doubt that ME genuinely wants to be friends. Sociopaths, just like anyone else enjoy pleasant experiences. While the Sociopath might be more likely to have an agenda, it's not a constant thing. It is, however, the mark of a narcissistic type to assume they've been selected for friendship because of their superior skills. ME's post made me think of Napolean Dynamite listing his skills (Nunchuks, anyone?)
      In real life, friendships tend to happen when both parties enjoy each other's company. If there's any cynicism I have about friendship it's simply an awareness that it's human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The individuals who mistake friendly interaction for climbing a social or corporate ladder reveal their own narcissistic motives when they immediately assume it is their "specialness" that makes them enjoyable.

      Delete
    3. You know what it is like, Machemp, to be used for a special purpose?Do you have experience being used or objectified? It makes you feel like a prostitute, you know.

      Delete
    4. Everyone has been used or objectified at some point. Even sociopaths. What tends to hurt/cause anger is when you realize you have emotionally invested in a person who saw the connection primarily as a transaction meant to achieve certain ends.
      No one can make you feel like a prostitute without your consent. If the other person actively deceived you, the shameful legacy of relationship breakdown is their failure, not yours.

      Delete
    5. Thank you you re right.. unfortunately, for a lot of people , im assuming codependents (socio pre, imo) do not mind exchanging negative qualities forvthings the socio knows they like..

      I am not a sociopath, machemp. But I have prostitured myself to one. I liked it, all whilst knowing it was going on.

      We, as people who were raised by narcissistic parents are quite used to transactional relationships. I bel7eve a packloads of sociopaths were raised this way, and want to come up in the black....winners.

      I understand the way the world works , and this is the way it does for so many institutions and relationships gone sour.

      We need to keep everyone happy to get things done, with checks and balances, but personal integrity trumps all.

      Thats why dave chappell is one of my favotite comedians.
      He turned down 50 million dollars forpersonal integrity. He did not sell himeself short. It was a beautiful thing.

      Delete
  15. Who are you addressing?

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  16. I'm addressing anyone who has to analyze and dissect friendship. Now I'm going to work for 12 hours (won't have access to a computer), and I'm going to think about all the MEANINGFUL friendships and relationships I am blessed to have.

    ReplyDelete
  17. great post M.E. i totally get the message you bring forth in this blog post. i liked the video clip too.
    few blog post back you talked about why a socio keeps in contact. really thinking about this lately. i think this can be true for many of us. my friends are like trophies, some are gold, some bronze, some silver, some bigger than other, others smaller. not one is better than the next. all unique. some suited better for each other. All serve a purpose and function. And i hope of course i serve some purpose to them as well. i get it. :-)

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  18. sometimes seasons come and go, and the trophies are back on the shelf, sometimes there meant to stay. but at times, we do recollect and dust of the trophie off again.
    it's just having the wisdom and deciphering through, as which ones to pick up at times -- and which ones are meant to stay on the shelf.

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  19. ME, what's with the tweet? You said on Dr. Phil you would like to have sociopathic children.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Weather you had a sociopathic child or not, you'd probably do everything you could to be the best mother you could. You have so much knowledge and information, your child would benefit from your wealth of information. I know a sociopath who says the person she loves most is her only child. If you have a baby, it might be very healing for BOTH of you.

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  21. They're just trying to figure out why you're friends with them. Seems perfectly logical to me Since you essentially confessed that your every interaction is self-interested, they're trying to figure out what makes them "interesting" to you. It makes sense to look to one's talents or expertise for a reason behind the friendship.

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  22. I love ME's honesty here. I'm not sure it's done with the intent of being abusive or hurtful. I think she's just expressing some of her pathological perceptions.

    ReplyDelete

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