Thursday, March 11, 2010

Child custody fights (part 1)

One of my readers has been going through child custody issues with her sociopathic ex and father of her child. It's an interesting subject, and I do believe that there are pretty common mistakes that empaths predictably make. About the topic generally, this lovefraud post is actually sound advice. But for a more personal angle, I asked my reader to write her story summing up some of the advice I had given her and how she applied it to her particular situation:
How do you deal with a sociopath when he's fathered your child?

It wouldn't be such a big deal if there wasn't so much at stake. Sure, there's the whole business of my heart. He didn't just break it, he masterfully chiseled at it until there was nothing left. I hardly knew I was being tormented as he romanced me into insanity, literally through hell and back. But that's another story for another time. The end result was that I finally left with what shreds of dignity I had left. I was three months pregnant.

Our relationship was convoluted with other women, one of whom he married around the time I was about four months along. She never knew about me, much less the impending baby.

When my daughter was born, I filed for child support, confident he would not pursue visitation in order to protect both his marriage and reputation in his community. He is a charming, executive director of a well-known non-profit organization and is socially active in his town. This, I believed, was my leverage. I would soon learn that when you choose to engage in battle with a sociopath, nothing is what it appears to be, and you have to step into his world, his rules, his games. It is not for the weak or faint of heart. You have to be strong, have an undetectable poker face, and be ready to call bluff when the timing necessitates (but be ready for the consequences of calling bluff - it will generate a strong reaction from your sociopath, which is not advisable when children are involved).

But...

It is also a delicate balance of knowing just exactly how far to push, and when to give in. I learned the hard way that you absolutely never, ever let a sociopath know what your vulnerability is. This seems like a no-brainer, but for me, the fear was all to real when he began to threaten me with visiting my infant daughter. Mistake Number One. It would prove to be a fatal mistake that would be difficult for me to overcome and regain my footing. I learned it became easier for me if he underestimated me. So I played the light-hearted airhead. Absent-minded, not a care in the world. This worked for a while. When it came closer to our court date, he pushed more and more to see my daughter. I told him he was more than welcome to stop by. And then I would inquire innocently how his wife was doing. This was just subtle enough to make him gently back off. We did this for a while until we met in court.

38 comments:

  1. one of the best all-round psychopath depictions in this episode of brit cop drama
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgMNbzl3AQI&feature=channel

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lassie,

    This is interesting. Your former spouse tormented YOU, treated YOU badly, was mean to YOU, tore You apart...

    You say nothing of how he has been a bad parent. You only imply that he was a bad spouse.

    Yet you feel obligated to keep his children from him.

    This tells me that there is something wrong with you. Like most women you can't make the distinction between a partner/lover/parent.

    Time to get over it lassie and do what's right for the children.

    Scotty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sociopathic narcasists, who thrive on manipulation and cruelty, games and selfish twisting of reality and lies to pray on people isn't selective Scott. These heartless monsters don't just turn this behavior on and off and magically become good parents all of a sudden.
      They use their children like property to control their ex spouses and look good in the public eye. They are not capable of loving anything or anyone but themselves. But I'm sure you would also believe someone capable of a role thick with of such inhumane thoughts and heartless cold machine like behavior, who is naturally incapable of remorse, clever and a master of their craft, who takes pleasure in hurting people can then also equally somehow turn all of that sociopathic behavior and manipulation off like a switch? Somehow suddenly also being loving, concerned, self sacrificing and a great and, most unrelated to their mental disease, a positive influence and role model for
      impressionable young minds? Somehow suddenly healthy minded enough to raise and love their children? Sounds to me like you're blaming the victim. A telling red flag into your own personality traits. Common sense tells you her experiences warrant great concern for her children.
      You need to wake up Scotty.

      Delete
    2. Scotty, you are a cowardly Troll.

      Delete
  3. Scotty,

    One thing that you appear to be overlooking is that the emotional abuse that he bestowed upon her is ALL about power and control through manipulation and deceit. This does NOT EVER STOP. Any man or woman who intentionally mistreats another person is abusive; and abuse to a parent IS ABUSE TO THE CHILD. This is a man who will use his child to continue to exert power and control over her. It is not a matter of HER keeping his children from him, it is completely a matter of HIM not wanting to compromise or subject himself to HER terms. He thinks "all or nothing" and blames HER when she does not give him what he wants. I apologize in advance Scotty, but you either do not know much about psychopaths or else you are one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The court always considers the best interests of the child in choosing who will get the child's custody. If the mother is not capable of providing the goods for the child, then it will be given to the father.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's really difficult for the mother to act this way. Showing poker face to make everything looks great is indeed very hard. I really can't imagine how to fight a sociopath father. Anyway, I hope that everything about the case turned out great. las vegas divorce lawyers

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  6. Before dealing with any case related to family and legal child custody, it is imperative for the couples to know the different consequences. For me, I believe that if there's a way there's a will. So if there's still a chance to settle and fix the problem, then go ahead. However, in some cases, settlement is not the cure because of the complications. It is important to get an expert lawyer that specializes on family law.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My daughter is going thru a divorce with a child involved. Her husband has all the traits of a sociopath. These sociopaths are evil and don't care who they hurt, and its really sad. He never saw the child or spent time with her and now he's trying to act like father of the year....really sicking. The child has to spend time with him and she don't know him, and when she gets back of her mother, the child won't let her mother out of her sight. That's the courts for you, especially in Caldwell County, NC....all for the man

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm fighting a sociopath for my child right now, and let me tell you, it is HELL. He emotionally and mentally abused/controlled me during our entire relationship, and now he's doing it to my child. Of course the courts don't pay attention to it because they are more concerned with what's going on at the surface of things. Meanwhile, my child is paying the price. My ex objectifies our child and is pushing for custody just to make my life a living hell. Same scenario of leaving me while I was pregnant, but instead of me going after him for child support he came after me later for custody. It's all a control/power grab. I've tried the reverse-gaming on him, and it's worked at times, but overall he's a relentless S.O.B. Getting into a custody dispute with a sociopath is probably one of the worst experiences for anyone who's had to.

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  9. The Sociopath I was involved with shattered my entire life. He also took my child away from me and I haven't been able to see him physically for 3 years. The law and authorities did nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. He's a sick person and he also uses my child towards his advantages. The sick rat thins he can use my child to hurt me and in his evil mind get me back. Note here: I left his sick ass. And in the process of it threatened me from my child. He made me go through a living nightmare. Stripped my entire life and along with it my child. Sadly enough, but everything happens for a reason and if you have fought your battles as far as you can and it still hasn't done anything it's just best to let it go. Some people may see that as giving up on your child, but it's not the case. It's a game for these sick "sociopaths" and if you dont play the game they have miserably lost regardless if he or she thinks they are winning just because they physically hold your child in their sick game.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am trying to fight custody of my oldest child from her sociopath father but am not sure how.She is actually living with me but he has custody because he lied in 2010 (before that I had sole custody her whole life).The lie was proven but I still have to fight to get her back legally.How can I do that without any money for an attorney? This man comes from money so that's never an issue for him.He has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to me for 14 years and yet we have been divorced for almost 12 years. Legal aid won't help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I found out I was married to a guy that was living a James Bond existence. Had just finished long term treatment for Lyme disease. Our church thought he was the most outstanding family man ever.....but this guy thought nothing was his fault. We had been together for quite some time. I had him investigated and my whole life came unraveled. We divorced in 2009 and I was allowed to move with my children to the Carolinas. I had to go through more long term Lyme treatments and my daughter was turning 18. He could have cared less about the kids and did not even attend our daughter's graduation. From the time I found out about his secret life, he has tortured the kids mentally. Well I am broke and cannot afford an attorney. We had to go back to court to make adjustments to child support with my oldest graduating. He refused to disclose his income. Multiple trips wasted to VA. An ex family member who is an attorney tells me she will help me and we find out this man has been made director of his company at $200,000 per year. I have no insurance, cannot afford an attorney, but free lawyer steps in. She appeals to the judge and alimony remains the same but Judge suspends child support.....SUSPENDS MY CHILD SUPPORT ?? Tells me to deal with SC. Free ex family member who promises me forever free representation as long as I come to VA for court says she has to quit the case. She let me know she thought money was being passed. Soooooo
      Mr. Sociopath applies for custody of my son. I have no attorney, no child support, intermittent cognitive problems from neurological Lyme, and am pending disability for Lyme disease. I work a part time job and on another trip to Va., judge drastically reduces alimony. Making just enough to keep my son in a decent school system but a little too much for any kind of pro bono anything. Long story short, this has druuuug on for 2 years. He has rescheduled court a million times because step mom cannot deal with my ADHD son. At one point, he wanted me to sign papers in exchange for my son but I did not trust him or his attorney and could not afford to have everything looked over. Finally going to court in September 2013 and my car gets sick. Court refuses to reschedule and ex gets custody by default ! He tells me too bad you should have signed those papers. We are now in Feb. 2014 and ex shows up at my door SUNDAY at 9pm with police in tow. He has never been to this area to even visit my son. Police tell him he has to register his order in family court. I thought I could go in and get some answers to questions. The only thing I got was you need an attorney....you need an attorney. Spoke to a women's rights advocate who told me everything was invalid if not audio recorded because of my brain issues. Those brain issues were well documented by brain scans, hospitals, doctors, disability advocate, etc. and VA judge says to me....Where is your witnesses today ??? VA Judge says:" I think we can go ahead and knock another $500 off your alimony." They buried me in that court room and laughed in my face. I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE FAMILY COURT SYSTEM. What a screwed up system. I totally understand why SO many kids go missing.

      Delete
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  14. I left my sociopathic husband a year ago. I found out about affairs, lies, a double life. He never wanted anything to do with me or the girls; then 6 months and 2 and half years old. We have been fighting a custody battle for a year. I think I lost even though he scored with 5 raised levels on the mmpi 2 test which included psychopathic deviant. I Believe he is sexually abusing the girls based on my oldests behaviors and what she has said. There were 2 cys investigataions that went unfounded. My daughter won't say much of anything alone the abuse. She is bribed and threatened. Cys openly say I am making it up because of custody. My ex will not stop. I think he enjoys the game. He is a vice president of a fortune 500 company and has money and can manipulate like no other. I am beyond overextended in debt from lawyers fees. Any advice that may help? Hopeless.

    ReplyDelete
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  16. I am also going through the same ordeal. It is a living nightmare since he now has a girlfriend that takes great pleasure in aiding him.

    The only advise I can give is to never let your guard down
    You have to stay one step ahead of him, never believe a single word he says and document everything.

    I have made so many mistakes with him costing me over $150,000 and almost loosing my sanity.

    So, even though telling him off might make you feel better, it won't help your case.

    ReplyDelete
  17. How do you deal with a sociopathic ex-boyfriend/father of my son and his sociopathic mother. I'm in a child custody/child support battle with him. I've documented and everything. However, it seems I'll still have to deal with his manipulative family. I was trapped for a long time with this family, not realizing that I was being manipulated and demoralized during that time. My own mother noticed that I had changed. I have a lawyer, but the judge that I have to deal with is normally for the father's. The father hasn't even really been around, nor does he even seem to care about his son's feelings. He gets angry because his son cries every time he sees him. He had cheated on me with his ex, while I was pregnant with our son. I was under the impression that everything was alright. However, I realized that our son's safety was more important than doing whatever he and his family wanted me to do. I finally stood up to him and his family. I was so freaking scared. I made sure from the start that my son was with me the entire time, since he was born. I had already moved out of my ex-boyfriend's place and into my mother's house.

    ReplyDelete
  18. why is it that everyone takes what the mother says as gospbal. reading a lot of comments and blogs about this type of situation many of the women writing them seem to be more worried about what the father has done to them, there is hardly ever any evidence of the father harming their children. its never about "he does this to my child" its always "he did this to me", these type of comments make me think that maybe its you that is more worried about keeping the children from him because you are angry at him for upsetting or hurting you.

    in saying that it appears to me that the characteristics of the mother in situations like that are more directed towards sociopathy than the fathers.

    it enrages me when it is always the father in the wrong and that he has to live with the scrutiny that comes with a mothers claims against him. the court system may say equal rights but in all honesty if the father and the mother of a child make the same claim against eachother the father will always be looked at as if he is lying and the mother will always be victimised.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How can you prove abuse on a child when they were just born? You can't. The mother is trying to prevent such things from happening. It seems the ex-boyfriends mother was the one abusing and the father aiding in it and allowing it to happen. I guess you would want your child to be physically abused first instead of preventing it. Or maybe even sexually abused when you know it might be a possibility. This mother apparently has reasons for leaving, when she thought to leave before giving birth to the child. She just stated that he cheated, however, I don't read anywhere that she trying to keep the child away from him or that she is angry. You ended up putting words in this person's mouth. The characteristics of socio's is cheating, lying, manipulation, playing the victim, unemphatic, unsympathetic, methodical, vengeful, uncaring, and etc.

      Delete
  19. I'm replying to the Aug 13th post. Unless you have dealt with a true sociopath, please don't judge. You don't just meet someone and know they are a sociopath. Most people ever figure them out. You try going to court to protect your child against one. It's very difficult to win. They know how they need to appear in court. However I know there are women that just want to give their ex the sociopath name. That I don't agree with. I've been dealing with one for 18 years. He has made me extremely cold hearted toward anyone who is a true sociopath. When your child is abused by that person you tend to not care. I also saw where a sociopath wrote that they should be offered help by others. I disagree, they are a waste of space.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant to not care about the sociopath.

      Delete
  20. My ex partner is exhibiting many typical sociopath behaviours:
    He is impulsive and doesnt think about the consequenses for himself let alone our children
    He is a prolific liar, who mirrors and gaslights . These are starting to come undone and hes becoming more agressive
    He thrives on the pity of others, playing the victim becoming angry if someone does not show it
    He moved in with another woman after only 3 weeks, now he wants her and her child to move hundreds of miles away just like he wanted me to - away from her social support network so she's easier to manipulate. As he did to me.

    It's the fear that comes with the unpredictability and deceit that makes me fearful for our children. I wish I could have seen this in him before but he didnt show his true colours until he couldn't manipulate me anymore !

    ReplyDelete
  21. Im just seriously thinkin about walking away. I have a 3yr old with sociopath. He put me through hell our 18mths of marriage. I quickly figured him out and kicked him out. 2and a half years later i dropped the ball cause i was harrased so badly and guilty so guilty my son didnt have his father so i called the sociopath to come get him it was never a matter of trust it was a matter of overwhelming mixed with desperately needing to move on. And he is seriously trying to so called pay me back just evil. Its been only three months into the battle and i really dont have the energy. these people make u wanna do evil to them back and for that i cant give away my energy to evil. Im seriously thinking about just walking. I have a court date to modify custody but i have read tht this judge is a evil troll. Im just thinking going in being as sacastic as hell to him and her im really believing the judge may be a sociopath as well. And telling them both kiss my ass and elope and go marry my nigerian prince. Life is too short. i will continue to pray for my baby but i will not allow his father to use him to destroy me. children always come back. They always find their mother to keep my sanity and preserve my 30's and age gracefully i have to walk away. Remarriage would put a dagger right through his black rock of a heart and a new baby. Pls im done

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

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