Thursday, March 25, 2010

Conversation with a sociopath (?) (part 4)

D.R.: On loyalty...I remain loyal to a certain degree. At some point, betrayal can become too much for me to trust someone again. Trust does not come easily to me. Someone always has a motive; what it is and how pure are the questions I try to answer when putting "trust" into someone.

M.E.: Hmm, jaded.

D.R.: That being said, when I do decide to trust someone, I expect that they don't break it. It's a privilige, not a right. The more I trust someone, the more I'll invest into the relationship.

M.E.: A very utilitarian view of things.

D.R.: This may result into higher trust and higher investment, until I consider that person a part of my life.

M.E.: A part of your life, or a part of you?

D.R.
: I would say more a part of me. Someone in whom I place or find a piece of my identity. For instance, my best friend and I have been friends for many years. At first, we were not very close. But as I saw more of myself in her, she became more important to me. This is how I've always viewed love, both sexual and platonic. The only difference is the fucking. I call it "giving myself to them." This bond goes as so: I decide I like you, I will take you for a test run. You drive nicely, a fast ride, rough at times, smooth at others, but I do the steering. I "buy" you with favors, flattery, and give you want you want in a relationship.

M.E.: You don't mind this because it appeals to your risk-seeking, unemotional nature? Socios (allegedly) have difficulties fully integrating their sex life in the rest of their life.

D.R.: I have a hard time seeing how sex is the end-all, be all in relationships other than the trump card. I find I hold out on it because I want to keep the person around. Other times I give in a bit so they don't think they are wasting their time. In return, you are there when I need you, you do not cheat on me, and you don't act like a doormat. Obviously my friends can have other friends, but when I have a sexual/"romantic" relationship with someone, I do not tolerate them doing the same with someone else.

M.E.: Obviously.

D.R.: All my life, I've always thought I'd be something special. As a kid, I was Lara Croft, saving the world from mystical objects and the evil people that would use them to destroy everything. Then I was a spy...I'd single-handedly take down a terrorist organization, or maybe a corrupt government. Always, it seemed my version of justice was "vigilante," because, of course, police officers are easily bought and sold. So are judges and juries. The whole damn system is corrupt...I wanted to save it. Salvage it. Maybe start a revolution. But I have no set career...just a desire to play the hero. My last boyfriend understood this; he wanted to be a spy too, lol.

M.E.: Again, I have posted about this. Delusions of grandeur are very common among sociopaths. We all think that we were destined for something great, and it's quite possible that we are.

D.R.: I think I would make a fantastic spy. But I think I would also have a problem with taking blind direction if I can't fit it into my own agenda, so maybe not... I'm very good in social settings, and people often think they are learning much about me, but it's all very vague. They just make conclusions I don't bother to correct. I don't lie much, not in a harmful way. Little white lies that don't hurt anyone and probably make everyone better off, yes...but I don't lie specifically to make someone feel bad. Usually I don't have to lie to make them feel bad. Conversely, I don't have to do much to make them want to help me, either. People readily do things for me, even small things. I can be sitting on my ass typing away on my computer and get one of my parents to walk my dog, even if they're in their pj's. My friend drives an hour to see me every week and then an hour back, but I don't ever drive down there unless I must. She's more than happy to do it (which is great, 'cause I hate filling up my gas tank).

M.E.: I sometimes wonder why people adore me so much, too. Particularly in my family, I am a huge crowd favorite. Maybe they appreciate an unusual viewpoint, or maybe they just want to make sure that I'll always be on their side.

D.R.: I am the star of my family. The first in my direct line to go to college, quickly promoted at work, always engaging. I seem like a real go-getter, especially compared to other low-performing relatives (whom I really believe are just acting that way because they see it gets them out of responsibilities).

D.R.: If you decide to post this on your blog (despite how lengthy it is), you are more than welcome to do so. If you must attach a name to it, you may use D.R. It is short for the name of a character in a story I wrote in high school (I loved writing; my stories had very dark or very ironic themes). She was a murderer and a thief, and the entire story was written in her point of view. I've never murdered and I've never stolen (well, not since I was too young to know what stealing is), but they all agreed she reminded them of me. So, you may call me that. :)

M.E.: Yeah, I may, I think people enjoy reading portraits of sociopathy.

D.R.: It’s the villain/antihero that everyone loves to hate.

27 comments:

  1. Usually I don't have to lie to make them feel bad.

    I am the same way. Usually I just have to reveal my unique version of the truth about them that smashes them into nothingness. Very rarely do I care enough to lie in order to hurt someone once I feel wronged by them, since this leaves room to mend the damage.

    Brutal, unapologetic honesty is far more harmful then even the best form of deceit. I’ve administered it a few times and watched it all come down in someone’s core.

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  2. I think brutal unapologetic honesty is just what the doctor ordered sometimes. The truth is the truth, what could be wrong about that? Though maybe delivered in a certain fashion it could be very disruptive i imagine. I suppose one could use it with harmful intentions, twist it or present it in a way that suggests it as a fixed truth or the only truth when it is not.

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  3. Personally, I think one reason some people may like S is because of, "darkness" and motivations aside, this truth seeing ability/nature. Talking to one is like going to see a very competent and fast acting psychiatrist for free, lol. I think there is a power element too. Or maybe an energy element.

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  4. I've been told that my "darkness" is what draws people to me. That exact word is used more often then not and I have no idea why they (empaths) use it, since I am simply being me. How is something or someone "dark" anyways? I've never understood that. Perhaps its due to my inability to understand the majority of emotions or that the word is slang for an emotion I can't relate to. In any case, it keeps being used, so I must be dark natured to them.

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  5. Darkness.... because of the intensity one can go after someone with for example that has wronged one, or perhaps the intensity period... because sometimes/often truth is dark, hidden from the self... because of the sometimes hidden nature of the S, in the shadows, there and knowing but unknown. Because of heart breaking and enjoying it.

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  6. I like creating false hope. You encouragingly tell them how things should go in an ideal, but realistic, situation, both of you knowing it'll never happen. That leaves them to do the doubting, making it more effective. Even if they believe you, the fact that it'll all fall through guarantees a painful ending for them.

    I'm generally not negative toward anyone unless a realistic view of things is necessary to maintain their trust in my opinion. People tune you out eventually if that's all you have to offer, and then you lose your power. If you remain realistic but hopeful, you're put on a pedestal, and your power only grows stronger as you become a source of hope. When shit falls through, they blame someone else.

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  7. This is hilarious. Bravo M.E., Bravo.

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  8. the guy in the picture looks familiar

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  9. truth is b.s. everyone has their own truth. and there is always a reason behind it, just like there is a reason to lie. why would "your" truth ever be for my good?

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  10. Zoe,
    I'm pretty sure that's Mel Gibson in the picture.

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  11. that's mel gibson, and that's what happens if you drink too much boys and girls

    maybe there is a good truth, one that doesn't involve at utterly all ones control, maybe not

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  12. the truth is individual is it not?
    but it is the truth

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  13. "I like creating false hope. You encouragingly tell them how things should go in an ideal, but realistic, situation, both of you knowing it'll never happen. That leaves them to do the doubting, making it more effective. Even if they believe you, the fact that it'll all fall through guarantees a painful ending for them"

    I don't want to be judgemental or anything... but it seems like you are saying you enjoy watching and contributing to someone suffering a painful ending.... why?

    i have a feeling that s traited people do suffer a lot and it is not all glamor... i hope that one day maybe it wont be like that for s folk if that is true anymore

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  14. That photograph is flippin' hilarious.

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  15. no wonder he looked familiar. thanks guys.

    i got "faming" for my word verification. lol.

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  16. aspie said...
    the truth is individual is it not?
    but it is the truth


    for you, for now. but do i need to hear it, embrace it, and change my ways? what about my truth?

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  17. you're absolutely right zoe
    it's just hard for me to understand some things, like it seems one is given good explanations for some things, or at least ones that make sense to me but then with other things not much is offered... i suppose one is a way because one is a way and that is all there is to it
    i guess i get thrown because other things are explained in a way that resonates with me...

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  18. Me too. I used to think that because other people didn’t question things that they knew something and that I was missing some vital information that others somehow came equipped with. Now I know most people just don’t question things. When they insist on a truth it’s usually because they have an agenda that has less to do with supporting that truth than with defending an image or preserving a worldview or maintaining control.

    What’s there is there and doesn’t change if you change your belief. So we’re just fighting over whose version of reality should be the mental filter used to interpret pure experience. I like mine. :)

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  19. what is yours zoe if you don't mind me asking (and sorry if it has been said before)?

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  20. my mental filter? i'm not attached to any belief or religion. i believe we continue on after death in some form but even believing that is irrelevant since it doesn't change whatever it is that is happening or will happen. if consciousness is merely an effect our brain cells firing, that's even more amazing. i mean to be just this blob of organic matter, lumbering about and making noises, believing in some higher purpose to its existence. that's wild.

    as far as day-to-day interactions, it all comes down to respect. if we don't share truths we can compare them and maybe find some meaning out of the differences. it's just looking at the same thing in different ways.

    what is yours aspie?

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  21. thanks zoe :)
    yeah that is wild
    I don't know what it is honestly
    i know that i was one way and now another... i feel happy and want to return it mostly
    i want to experience new things, new for me.. i want to be kind when it is not appropriate... i want to give hope.

    yeah respect is very important

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  22. i want to experience new things, new for me.. i want to be kind when it is not appropriate... i want to give hope.

    i've always thought of truth as a concept, but your truths are actions aspie. maybe the real truths are?

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  23. i suppose zoe
    i've read it said that altruism is not real, that one does kind acts because it makes one feel good.. i think that is true, one does feel good ... it feels good to offer "real" help to someone, especially if it yields something good for the person... but I dont think that is the whole story... i know with myself that i experienced abusive situations and perhaps made it worse by bad choices, but I also exp. the most seemingly undeserved kindness by folks of all stripes, stuff that I could never repay no matter what I do... but i'll try

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  24. this is a nice song Ao long do mar>

    the video is messed up towards the end

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  25. Is DR supposed to be a sociopath? I am confused... have you studied this guy more closely? It's possible he's not and has morals.. I kinda sniff that but it's also possible he is one....

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