Wednesday, October 15, 2008

On a friend asking if I'm a sociopath

I sort of self-diagnosed myself five years ago. It seemed to fit. Not everything, of course. I believe that there is a spectrum of the emotionally impaired like there is a spectrum of the blind or the deaf. You are legally blind without your glasses, right? But that doesn't mean that you consider yourself in the same category as completely blind people. Similarly, I may be emotionally impaired without necessarily being handicapped. I think there is a big difference in terms of how people can function in the world depending on where they fall on the spectrum. But I do think that emotional language is like a second language to me. I have to go through several different deductions before I can "empathize" with people, and not just sometimes but most of the time. I do think that I use different strategies to navigate the world than most people--that I have different wiring.

I definitely have sociopathic impulses. I find myself ignoring urges to kill or do great bodily harm to ignoring a temptation to ruin somebody, to even just ignoring the invitation to view the world in a way that would push me to engage in excessively risky behavior. These urges cloud my judgment and take me away from the person I want to be, so I try not to indulge them. I treat them like hallucinations instead. They feel very real, everything feels so real, but I have experienced them frequently enough to know that they are wrong--that I will regret acting on them. So I try to ignore them, just like I would try to ignore the image of a monster breathing fire in my peripheral vision.

13 comments:

  1. "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted in a sick society."
    -Krishnamurti

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  2. can you give an example of a sociopathic impulse?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ever looked at someone, a complete stranger, and just longed to open them up with your bare hands, to just inflict endless amounts of cruelty and pain on them, to hear their cries of pain as a beautiful symphony playing solely for your amusement?

      Delete
  3. you are not truly antisocial.

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  4. so far, from what I"ve read *and I've gone back to the beginning and am moving forward* here, and what I"m reading elsewhere, there seems to be a connection between sociopathy & childhood post trauma.

    I spend a great deal of time with an S, and the more I'm around him, the more I see the symptoms a child who was severely emotionally abused. (I've met the parents, and see this continuing to happen as well).

    You say you self-diagnosed as sociopathy but is there a possibility that you have childhood trauma issues?

    -katchoo

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  5. I can understand that, methinks
    Genius that I am, I became a psychologist, knowing full well that I'm a sociopath, and it'd probably end in blood and tears.

    Every day, whenever somebody comes up to talk to me, I get this urge to smash their face into a wall until their bones feel like jelly, and scream at them until everyone in the room is crying...
    But, that's bad when they're paying your salary, so I put on a happy face, lay on the charm, and tell them everything I just tricked them into telling me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be fair, I think sociopaths are more qualified than NTs for Psych professions. Maybe it's just my grandiose sense of self-worth (it isn't), but I'm really fucking good at reading people and understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do. It's a gift I've always had, completely unrivaled by any living person I've ever met. And that includes all of the shrinks I've been to see. I can size up a shrink within moments of walking into their office, and I know whether or not I'll be giving them any honesty, or just straight bullshit for the entire session. Shit, I effortless talked my way out of involuntary commitment. Less than a day into my 72-hour initial psychiatric hold ("suicide risk"), I had convinced every one of the docs I spoke to that I was completely sane and healthy, just "sad" from time to time.

      I think it's hilarious how the public eats up the charlatans' "diagnosis" - at best, the majority of these people can only hope to have a clinical understanding of human psychology. I have an INSTINCTUAL understanding of human psychology. I am clearly much more qualified to assess another's psyche.

      Delete
    2. I meant to say "INTUITIVE" instead of "INSTINCTUAL," though both work, I s'pose

      Delete
    3. You just described me word for word. Well, mostly. I have the same problem with my psychologist. I started going to her before I realized that I was a sociopath, so she's completely convinced of my I'm-such-a-sad-person-all-I-want-is-love act. Which makes it difficult to get a decent analysis. How do sociopath's get diagnosed, if we wont show who we truly are?

      Delete
    4. Anon 9:33
      Gee, are you convinced that the trained psychologist
      is not able to see thru your disguise? That is naive
      but the question is why would she continue to see you
      knowing your a sp and realizing she will increase your
      skills?

      Delete
  6. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    ReplyDelete

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