Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lack of self-awareness leads to transparency

Bruce Lee (via Brainpickings) asserts:

We can see through others only when we see through ourselves.

Lack of self-awareness renders us transparent; a soul that knows itself is opaque.

I find this to be true. I think it's particularly well illustrated by one narrow facet of life. If you look at an infant, it is almost not self-aware at all. It lives every thought, every feeling, every bowel movement as if it is not being observed, either not even by its own self. Eventually it becomes a child, but there is still a lack of self-awareness, things that are not even on its radar. The child picks his nose, it throws tantrums, it does all manner of things that are considered ridiculous or at least transparent by its observers. It is not aware that it is being judged for these acts. It does not see any ridiculousness in its actions.

You see this in adults all of the time too (every adult, every person, including me). Maybe it's the couple that doesn't seem to understand that the way they fight in public shows that one or both have a rigid interpretation of gender roles. Maybe it's someone's championship of Donald Trump as someone who "tells things like they really are" at an office holiday party that suggests that their vision of the world is one of relative intolerance. Maybe it's the over defensiveness someone gets over a particular issue that suggests that this is a sore spot. 

But I really wonder, if Bruce Lee is correct, is it just that people like that seem transparent to others because they're not as adept at hiding those particular traits (or don't realize that they probably should be hiding those particular traits)? Is it just about the breach of social norms that make these people seem transparent to me and others? If so, that makes Bruce Lee seem less wise. 

But I think it is more than that, there's more to it than just noticing the violation of social norms. Because today I saw a young teenage girl in Christmas performance spring up to the stage and back down with the same sort of exaggerated springing body movements of a very excited three year old. It was definitely a violation of social norms. I thought that most people in the audience would identify that sort of behavior as immature. But it also had such a purity, such a lack of affectation to it -- as if she was self-aware, just not social norm aware, and just being true to herself and whatever it is that she wanted to do in that moment with regard for keeping up appearances. And she didn't seem transparent to me. She still seemed opaque. So it seems like it's not just about knowing what masks to wear to hide our true selves? But also, how is it that sociopaths are so good at reading people? Is it that they are more self-aware than most? Or perhaps more self-aware of the role of cultural expectations in which they live?

Another thought from Bruce Lee describing a problem that a lot of people experience, and for sure I see it in personality disorders that have a tendency to create a false self and have weak self-awareness (e.g. narcissism):

To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are… Yet it is remarkable that the very people who are most self-dissatisfied and crave most for a new identity have the least self-awareness. They have turned away from an unwanted self and hence never had a good look at it. The result is that those most dissatisfied can neither dissimulate nor attain a real change of heart. They are transparent, and their unwanted qualities persist through all attempts at self-dramatization and self-transformation.

And a parting thought that seems to reference the external control fallacy that got referenced in this post on cognitive distortion:

There is a powerful craving in most of us to see ourselves as instruments in the hands of others and thus free ourselves from the responsibility for acts that are prompted by our own questionable inclinations and impulses. Both the strong and the weak grasp at the alibi. The latter hide their malevolence under the virtue of obedience; they acted dishonorably because they had to obey orders. The strong, too, claim absolution by proclaiming themselves the chosen instrument of a higher power — God, history, fate, nation, or humanity.

37 comments:

  1. Sometimes emotions take over and even though you're self aware you just can't handle it very well. Then you reflect and learn from the experience--hopefully--so you can have better control in the future. But if you aren't very skilled at that, then self-delusion is a good strategy, I think. (I don't mean consciously).
    I don't know if socios are more self-aware in general, but maybe they have better control in some situations because they don't feel overwhelmed so often by emotional states?

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  2. I've been self-aware at latest since elementary school. I was good at hiding the parts of me that I felt made me vulnerable. As I grew I noticed I was different - I wanted to be open and "liberated" like most people who don't seem to shy away or fear being "transparent." Years later when I re-engaged the world after college I went from reclusive and shy to the most outspokem, bold and indifferent (not in terms of empathy but rather in standing my ground) person I knew. During this period (past 6 years). I always seemed to have a natural talent at reading people and I never felt threatened by my own relatively transparent self. I would use subtle humor to ease the tension I'd feel when I notice that someone I'm dealing with is "up to something" or "hiding." More often than not it would make them feel more comfortable with me and trust me.

    As far as I'm concernced, transparency and honesty is the only way to build lasting trust required for a solid relationship. Being self-aware only makes you "opaque" IF you realize there's something(s) about you that are best kept hidden. Ultimately it's the intention that counts. Psychopaths will be "opaque" because if they weren't they'd get in trouble always. I'm "opaque" only when the occasion calls for it - I have very little to hide (somethings are simply not anyone else's business but they're not harmful).

    Psychopathic "self-awareness" is dangerous and mind-crippling because it forces them to see others in the same light. They are blind to the motivations and intentions of people unlike them - anyone who does something they wouldn't do in the same context is simply an idiot or inexperienced or in some other way mistaken. I, on the other hand, am fully capable of understanding the psychopathic mind, the Empath mind, and the variations in between. Knowledge is liberation.

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  3. I should add: the psychos / sociopaths who did successfully manipulate me DID NOT do so because of what THEY did. By God it was almost entirely due to my unwillingness or inability to analyze them objectively. When people you love too much to even consider in a negative light (i.e. close family) lie to you, people like me will exhaust every possible explanation before we consider deception to serve an ulterior motive. By God when I heard some BS explanation I used to think "they're insecure, they're embarrassed to admit the truth, they just don't know, they're afraid of something, maybe I misheard, maybe I'm confused etc etc." It just never occurred to me at all until recently that they would do that to me - there's no possible motive, it's counterproductive, I'm family etc etc. Unfortunately instead of realizing that they likely assumed I was oblivious altogether, just believed everything they say and they kept doing it until I was forced to confront reality.

    Before some sociopath starts whimpering: the above was to help you folks understand normal, healthy minds - I'm not venting. God forbid I ever, ever need psychos and sociopaths for anything in my life.

    Bruce Lee is right about himself perhaps but vastly ignorant of many others.

    Thanks.

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  4. A sociopath might wonder: if you had been like us, you'd have read your family from day one. This may be true but it fails to take into consideration the necessity of having SOME (at thr very least) close relations built on trust and genuine love. Furthermore there's many other deficiencies in the psychopathic mind which make the choice beyond obvious for me. I swear to God I'd rather die than knowingly allow myself to become psychopathic.

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  5. Very commendable of the BBC. I'd be shocked to see something like this in mainstream US news outlets.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-35151967

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  6. Choices? If 100 really nice & comfortable empaths suddenly find themselves in the jungle with no food, most of them will become exactly like psychopaths: ruthless, uncaring, cold & distrustful. Socios just dont participate in the "empath-lie" in everyday life. They dont live a lie. Its a secret fantasy many socios have: standing at the sidelines watching (& winking) when teachers & spoiled folks suddenly has to mudwrestle each other to be able to have a lovely "rat-dinner"!

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  7. The movie I Saw the Devil, are there any other movies exploring a similar "theme": cannibalistic psychopaths..?

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  8. "Choices? If 100 really nice & comfortable empaths suddenly find themselves in the jungle with no food, most of them will become exactly like psychopaths: ruthless, uncaring, cold & distrustful."

    This is a good example of being limited to your own self-affirming world view. There are countless examples of people throughout history - tens (if not hundreds) of millions TODAY in exactly the circumstances you describe or similar. You are profoundly ignorant of how people live in the "third world." They're far, far more mentally healthier than us in the West and no, they don't turn into psychopaths - psychopathy is far more prevalent in affluent societies where people are "spoiled."

    You need to experience some real struggle in life to appreciate it.

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    1. Really? ESTP sociopath here by the way.

      What counts as a valid trauma? Barely surviving your brother attempting to murder you while your mother stands by in silence doing nothing? Being neglected and treated like an object, and only cared for when it was convenient? Being asked by your mother to commit suicide? Becoming homeless and having no choice but to be committed to surviving? Watching your friends die around you, getting stabbed and shot at? I've experienced and been witness to all these things. Perhaps my childhood was quite unremarkable, and to me it was. After all, there have been other who have suffered through far worse, so any pain I could be even capable of feeling is so inconsequential compared to the rest of the world.

      If only I could feel that emotional pain that I observe others feeling. I can never truly feel that pain. I even cognitively understand it of course but I'll never truly know the depths of other people's pain. So poke and I prod because I'm curious, perhaps playfully so. Maybe you'll notice a little bit of a smile on my face but I don't think you will; I only reflect what I want you to see. ;)

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    2. Tell the whole truth anonDecember 22, 2015 at 7:28 AM

      Hi, Anon. Why were you the target of such crime, as in your brother wants to murder you and your mom thinks it may be best you weren't living. What have you done that you're not telling us? DO you ever do anything wrong?

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  9. My condolences I can't imagine what it must have been like living through all that. I can certainly understand if that has resulted in sociopathy in your case and I would not hold you ultimately responsible for the pain others may suffer at your hand. I don't know how long you've been posting here but by my definition if psychopathy you aren't a psychopath so my previous post would not apply to you. I use sociopath for such people and my criticism is always generic even when I'm addressing "you" because everyone here is anonymous except me.

    I wish you the best. God sees and He is not unjust.

    Thanks.

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    1. Ironically, I am a sociopath. Simply because I have experienced these things does not mean I feel any emotional pain which you are projecting onto me with your empathy. I don't feel anything in regards to what happened to me.

      At a young age two pathways openned in my mind, and my mindset clicked into place. My shallow affect, lack of guilt and remorse, and sharply deceptive tongue was born from these environmental factors in addition to my genetics that favored sociopathy. Nature and nurture led to the person that I am, a sociopath.

      Through my will I obtain my power, and through my power I use people as my tools, and I gain my tools by force of will. This includes people much like yourself who are easy pickings. What if I were the one to walk into your life and introduce you to God? I would plant the seed of religion into your mind, and mold you into the object I desire.

      So you're sympathetic? That just tells me how much of a patsy you could really be.

      ESTP Sociopath

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    2. I second these thoughts. JOnaid, you come across like an asperger, an engineer, a geek. You don't hold the guy responsibile for doing bad things just because you now believe he has been treated poorly himself in the past? Seriously?

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    3. I said ultimately he's not responsible. I should dumb down on how I phrase my thoughts because sociopaths don't have humility and read everything in the most cynical way. To be clear: if his story is true, to the extent that his experience impacted his capacity to be empathetic, he's not responsible for his deficiencies. However, he IS certainly responsible for anything that he does knowing full well that it is wrong and he feels no compulsion to do it except some sadistic pleasure. In essence, no matter how you look at it, there is a difference between someone who is purely selfish and someone who's been forced to hide away and look out only for themselves.

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  10. Firstly I don't have my own definitions for these terms because I want to. There are no clear-cut definitions so I made it clear to the blog visitors what I mean when I use the terms "psychopath" and "sociopath." The primary distinction I make is psychopaths do NOT have any excusable trigger (i.e. trauma, abuse, betrayal, etc) and are driven primary by their ego, arrogance and desires. They are also the least empathetic if at all. Sociopaths are a "less extreme" version of psychopaths and CAN include people who were traumatized & abused into the condition. In essence, the root cause of these people's sociopathy is NOT primarily ego or arrogance but ultimately stems from betrayal and pain.

    As such, considering your back story I assumed that you fall into the "sociopath" category as I've defined it. Of course you don't feel empathy or anything with regards to your history - you're a sociopath as you've said and that is expected. My point was simply that assuming your story is true I cannot ultimately blame you as I could a psychopath without any such history.

    With regards to the "two pathways" - yes I only recently experienced this myself. I've lived my entire life based on an inherited & innate moral code which broke down this year. I've been an atheist since my mid-teens and only 3 months ago I became a believer in God again. Having witnessed everything I have in my life and having understood everything rationally (as best as I could) it is beyond clear to me which "pathway" is True and ultimately to my benefit.

    As for your will to obtain power - well I'm sure you have it and it is strong but as I've said before the "power" that psychopaths and sociopaths seek is an illusion. It is caricature and misuse of the word "power." Power actually means you wield REAL authority over something. Psychopaths deceive, manipulate and fool others into doing their bidding thereby lying to themselves and to others and pretending they've gained power in the process. You can choose to be happy with and think you're stronger for it but it doesn't change the definition of the actual word.

    Finally, you also display typical sociopathic / psychopathic trait of misjudgment of another's character based on their empathy and willingness to be "transparent." No doubt it stems from the overconfidence and undue pride psychos and sociopaths are prone to. I have sympathy for X in a given circumstance which X does not deserve and which anyone else in X's position would have found to be difficult to bear. I don't feel weak or threatened to share my sympathies with anyone. If you think that makes me "easy pickings" all I can say is whatever helps you sleep better at night. I did not choose the easy way (yes, you chose the easy way out). Truth is difficult to bear but ultimately one realizes that no one has real power other than God Himself. I don't fear people and certainly not psychopaths or sociopaths.

    Thank you.

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  11. BTW God has already planted the "seed" in me so no worries. No one has ever put forth an argument or any "seed of religion" in me before and I doubt anyone could have. Nonetheless, it would have been interesting to see what you had up your self-aggrandized sleeves.

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  12. ESTP Sociopath-Do you know if your mother and/or brother, were also psychopaths or sociopaths?

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  13. ESTP Sociopath-Also, are your mother and/or brother still alive? If so, do you still have interactions with them?

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    1. ý tưởng tô điểm cho phép thử nghiệm và đem lại cho vật dụng trong nhà nhà sự bất ngờ và nét riêng biệt. Đó là một thời điểm tốt để biến giấc mơ bạn đã ấp ủ bao lâu nay biến thành hiện thực. Hôm nay bạn có thể trang tri noi that căn nhà của bạn bằng cách thêm ghe sofa bố trí có một không hai, phản ánh ước mơ của bạn. sat my thuat bộ sưu tập của các sáng kiến tiên tiến cho bức tường trống sẽ giúp chọn bí quyết tốt nhất cho đồ đạc chung cư của bạn và phân phối cho nguồn thú vui lý tưởng cho những dự án trang trí. do go phong khach , do go nha bep , do go phong ngu , giúp diện tích sống cập nhật một cách nhanh chóng. Một lớp sơn mới sáng trên bức tường của bạn hoặc bông hoa đẹp trên nền phá cách là các ý tưởng trang trí tường hoàn hảo và phản ánh các xu thế mới nhất. Bức tường không phải chỉ là một màu đồng điệu. Ngoài ra còn có phần lớn các loại khoa học trang trí bạn có thể thử trên những bức tường trống rỗng của bạn như gia cong sat , gia cong inox , bang hieu , logo , poster , gian hang hoi cho , cong chao su kien , su kien quang cao

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  14. I choose to not associate or interact with my mother or brother, as they've ceased to have any further utility that isn't found elsewhere. Besides, it's quite obvious any further dealings with them is not in my best interests.

    I won't argue semantics with you Jonaid, and I'm quite sure you've been made aware of the fact your "definitions" are not in line with Antisocial Personality Disorder criteria, PCL-R or any other current research in psychology on the matter. Sociopath is just a synonym for psychopath, two words for the same condition, although sociopath may be more politically correct.

    ESTP Sociopath

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    1. ESTP Sociopath-Thank you, for your reply.:)

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  15. ASPD is just an easy to diagnose and extreme manifestation of sociopathy / Psychopathy among (usually) those of lesser intelligence or privilege. I don't much care anymore what psychologists say on these matters. We can agree to disagree.

    Good luck with everything.

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  16. "If only I could feel that emotional pain that I observe others feeling. I can never truly feel that pain. I even cognitively understand it of course but I'll never truly know the depths of other people's pain. So poke and I prod because I'm curious, perhaps playfully so."

    Firstly now we know studies that psychopaths and sociopaths are good at "faking" empathy because they're NOT faking it - they have a switch which they use at will. I know this personally as well. Second: even if you go so far that it is difficult to "turn it on" most of the time it still doesn't explain why a mere lack of empathy turns you into monsters (as opposed to just indifferent). Why do you actively ruin others when you "cognitively understand" everything you're doing?

    Pathological liars and deceivers just remember one thing: the greatest crime and sin is to JUSTIFY evil after it is committed.

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    1. Atheist to Allah, yeah right...December 22, 2015 at 7:42 AM

      Jonaid, you're clearly from the middle east or have had enough exposure. Typical to wish good luck to those you want to leave behind. I hope this is not your actual picture, as you come across naive enough that you could be using your own picture, or I may be far from social media to know who the hell this face is in case he's famous, and again showing some famous guy's pic is another geeky thing to do.

      You say you are self-aware. Tell us, what in you makes you spend so much time here. Are you trying to understand if your family members are sociopath? I have one suggestion to you, for a month ask yourself every question you ask about these people who did wrong to you. See what you come up with? What is the reason you don't believe they are suggesting something against you? Your well-wishes, or your narcissism? Are you even aware of the size of your ego? Just read everything you have written down today. Look at the tone and frequency and the percentage of the lines that belong to you? What do you conclude? What makes you want to take the center stage at this level? The only answer is narcissism, a strange combo of insecurity/loneliness/need to prove something combined with I'm the best/I know it all/I have full self-awareness bull shit. You can never have full self-awareness for one thing your self is in a very speedy change, not to mention moving from Allah to atheist to Allah. Now that you found Allah (three months ago), all of a sudden everyone should do the same? I just realized you are a girl. Why do you need to show a guy's picture, you transparent beauty, hiding on a veil?

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  17. Part of it is that when you start to become self-aware you start to make your own definitions and limits to yourself. You start to use your perception of the world, that is very different from the social perception.
    Becoming opaque is due to becoming more tuned into yourself than into what is socially - social norms, linguistics, stereotypes, etc. - inserted into you.
    You start to construct your own persona, not letting others construct it for you.
    Using your own self to define and limit your existence makes it hard to others to decipher you, because you are out of the common language, out of the common understanding.
    When these common assertions are used, only a portion of you is seen, and you remain opaque.

    B.K.

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  18. Psychopaths are born. Sociopaths are MADE (by harsh conditions, abusive parents, poverty etc). What "raw material" is used when sociopaths are being manufactured? Answer: empaths.

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    1. I was pondering this yesterday... Do you think there must be a genetic predisposition too? Humans exhibit a range of trauma or attachment adaptations- Some end up as narcissists (eg my ex husband); I was schizoid-style (learned helplessness and ambivalent/anxious attachment style) but my sister is more like a covert narc (our father is a narc but not a malignant one). An ex-colleague was sociopathic - he had a sociopathic father who abused him.

      My exercise physiology lecturer once told me something completely fascinating:

      The human body is always fit for the demands placed on it.

      Fit. This means the body adapts to constraints and demands and encumbrances. We adapt to training loads - this is where the training principle of progressive overload comes from. We adapt to injury. We adapt to illness - even though it means slowing down.

      Of course, we apply our intelligence and help our bodies adapt in more functional ways.

      So with the human brain.

      We develop patterns of behaviour, many from our experiences as children, according to our genetic propensities and environmental factors. Some of these are difficult to shift because of the genetic foundation and the strongly embedded neural pathways.

      But just as with physical adaptation, we have the great gift of intelligence - and better! of social intelligence which is more comprehensive than the single expert's - and we can influence our own psychological adaptation.

      I was formerly a serious rugby player. No matter how hard I trained, my sprint speed was comparatively poor. I did the best I could, then focused my training efforts on other fitness and skill components. I built my game around these latter elements.

      Perhaps in a similar way, self awareness can open doors internally, allowing us to develop our most effective and pleasureable 'game plans'.

      Thomas Szasz questioned the concept of mental illness - how can behaviour be a disease? Perhaps behavioural patterns can be *risky*... Labels are so important in communication. Can you see the implications of this shift? Can you see it opens social awareness, and thus possibilities? What do you think?

      I loved B.K.'s comment above - it makes sense of the Lee quote. I also loved M.E.'s story of the dancing girl - the natural child.

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    2. Hmmm, I didn't quite convey my point - the psychological pathways we develop *are adaptations.*

      Let's leave aside the discussion of "good" or "bad" for a moment and simply consider behavioural patterns as adaptations that helped us survive in our unique environment / genetic complex.

      Now, we are all in flux; both our environments and our brains, which are always capable of learning. We can change behavioural patterns by changing the beliefs that underpin them. M.E. has a very powerful example of seeking directly for what she wants rather than being manipulative. I also find seeking directly for what I want works MUCH better for me, too, but for the opposite reason: I formerly always kept my mouth shut and didn't ask for what I wanted or needed because I calculated that to be the safest option as a child.

      So - we are in flux, both our environments and our brains. We can live by experiment, always testing practices and refining our tools. We can understand the world in ways that *work* for us as the social individuals we are. As B.K. has so nicely articulated it: we can define ourselves beyond the conventional constructions, and thus be both natural and opaque to common conceptions. This is simply a tradeoff, and one I am ever more comfortable with.

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  19. I have just been diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder Is this site to help with this also ?

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    1. I'm guessing you're a girl? There's a heavy bias towards diagnosing women as borderline.

      But yeah, stick around and you might learn some stuff. Not from our resident religion troll of course, but there's still some smart socios posting comments.

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  20. Borderline Personality Disorder: when mood swings plague you and you're shifting between a sane you and an insane you, the original you with integrity vs a sellout living like an animal who's only purpose is to satiate his base desires.

    As for genetic predisposition: yes, we will inherit to some degree our parents and ancestor's good & bad traits. I come from a family of sociopaths (if not psychopaths). So what? I used my reason to overcome my lower self as much as I could and when I finally broke I asked God for help and He did. Anyone who keeps yapping about how their condition - which simultaneously they claim makes them superior - is not their fault because they're predisposed is a hypocrite and behaving like a typical psychopath: lying and deceiving.

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  21. I had BPD during my downfall this year so I know what it is from experience. Once again they either don't know what causes something or don't care to consider and instead they list SOME of the symptoms that result from trauma and label them as different disorders. It is really a pseudo science, psychology is, or at least it has turned into one.

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  22. I had a very abusive childhood I wonder if I would have been normal if not for that but hey we'll never know x

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  23. I feel like a faker I have a personality that I show everyone but no one has ever seen the real me and god what if they did. I actually don't know who me is I pretend so much

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  24. Real you is your heart - the you that remains when you don't fake anything nor put up an act. That does NOT mean you don't guard yourself against real threats or that you trust everyone with your true self. It is still the real YOU when you're forced to take precautions and hide away some parts of yourself. Counter that with psychopaths who fake it deliberately for personal gain at he expense of innocent others.

    If you've been a "faker" and want to be free, you should find people who already are - they won't judge but you should still be prepared for negative reactions at the onset. If you stick to it, you'll eventually feel liberated, as if you've been carrying a heavy load on your shoulders the whole time. Your fears go away and you begin to truly respect yourself. It is possible to be in this state of mind without a belief in God but it's much easier and guaranteed to last if you ask Him to guide and protect you. The world will try to drag you back and without God, you'll likely crack. Yoga, therapy, meditation etc are not nearly as effective as they're made out to be.

    Good luck.

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  25. "I actually don't know who me is I pretend so much."

    I know how this feels somewhat. I remember when I finally entered the real world 6 years ago it took a little getting accustomed to it but soon enough you realize it's actually very pleasant most of the time. Should I give up liberation because sometimes things will go horribly wrong? No you learn, grow and get stronger. If you have belief in God, particularly in the Islamic context, there comes a point where you start thanking God for your calamities. Difficult to explain and impossible to understand if you don't experience it yourself. This is independence: I'm perfectly content without anyone and if I'm with people I like it's like a bonus. Psychos claim they're independent but they know full well that they're miserable without a prey to work on all the time.

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  26. My life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 8 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn't a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the great spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice that to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the details, but after two days, my mom called me that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave Happy a call regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn't done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact Happy for help and you can reach him via email: happylovespell2@gmail.com

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