Friday, December 18, 2015

The cruise ship story

I know this post is going to sound random to most people and morose to some people and everyone can agree it probably belongs in the category of navel gazing. But there is one story (probably not true, because I think I heard it at like a cousin's graduation or something) that I have heard that inexplicably haunts me. In fact, I'm surprised I have never said anything about it because I feel this strange compulsion to re-tell it to people, like the movie The Ring (which I thought was such a great metaphor for so many things in life, by the way).

The story: some lady wants to go on a cruise, but she is not financially well off. So she saves all of her money for years and finally has saved up enough to go. But she doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the cruise, a budget of $20 a day. So she figures she'll just bring along some food with her (saltine crackers and cheese) to save money. Now for whatever reason, this story makes me cringe. Because I haven't even cruised before, but my impression is that the standard cruise is all-inclusive. Some more upscale restaurants may charge additional fees, but at least the entry-level restaurants meals are included in the price of the cruise ticket. And of course this is true of the cruise in this story, except the lady doesn't realize it. Instead she has a great time, participates in the activities and goes to the different locations. The last night of the cruise she decides to treat herself and dine in the restaurant. She orders whatever she wants and she loves it. At the end of her meal, she waits for her server to bring the check. After a while, she flags someone down and asks for her bill. The server, surprised, tells her that there is no separate cost for her meal, it's included in the price of the cruise.

I feel like I should tell my therapist this story because maybe there is some deep seeded psychological issue behind the story for me (read here for a similar real life experience). Or maybe I should email my brain doctor, because he's good at dream interpretation and this seems similar. But I actually thought about it again tonight possibly in connection with the reason I keep thinking about it -- I thought about it in relation to my general lack of attachment to life or this world. I've simply never found life to be that compelling. Kind of like a tv show that maybe I might find myself stumbling upon on Netflix and watching the first season or so, but ultimately not getting that caught up in it. Like I don't hate it, and I like it well enough to sit through it and enjoy it, just not enough to keep wanting a bunch more of it. It's oddly a family trait. My brothers would also say that they welcome death, or at least that they have no fear or dread of it and that it will have elements of release or relief to it. (One of my sisters-in-law used to complain about it, worry that it would mean that he would abandon his kids by not trying hard enough to survive a disease or other injury. Interestingly, now she feels the same way about take-it-or-leave-it life and can't remember how she ever could have felt any other way, so maybe it's contagious). But even though I've always had a friendly stance towards death, I think I've always wondered if I wasn't just eating saltine crackers and cheese in my closet of a room rather than dining at the all-you-can buffet. And I think that more than anything else has been a secret wish or hope of mine. But I feel a little funny admitting that now because I've been in therapy with a great therapist for over two years now and have made a lot of reconnections to emotions and letting go of some of the more problematic personality disorder thinking patterns, have actually started finding fulfillment in my career, have better relationships with my family the last few years than I had in any other few year span in my life. But if anything, I feel even less thrilled about life than I ever have. Maybe it was the cutting back on the shenanigans. Maybe feeling my emotions more really and deeply is making me overall less satisfied with life. Or maybe I thought that I'd have found the way to the buffet by now if it existed, but the fact that I'm still here eating cracker sandwiches suggests that maybe this is it and I have to get better at appreciating what I have? I don't know, it's kind of hilarious because I feel like for the first time I am starting to have problems that only normal people have, but I haven't yet learned all of the coping mechanisms that go along with them.

82 comments:

  1. It sounds very much like you're lacking a purpose in your life. You're obviously searching - consciously and subconsciously - but haven't found anything which really sunk in. I felt like that for most of my life until recently. I was suicidal at one point long ago but that was for a host of other reasons which were only made worse by a sense of meaninglessness. 6 years ago I made a huge leap, came out of major depression and fell in love with my new found life. For the first time I was actually fully involved in everything and I quickly realized I was brilliant. My entire life I felt incompetent, secretive, a "waste of space," etc etc. An ultimately purposeless existence didn't bother me much because 1) I had in essence just started life and while I was brilliant I was ignorant of the true nature of most people, 2) I had just come out of years of depression and solitude so everything felt ecstatic.

    The past 6 years I feel like I experienced and learned what most people learn in their entire lives (and many never do). This year I took a deep plunge and how I came out I never ever expected. I would have been ecstatic if I just got over the mood swings and worsening depression that plagued me for roughly 6 months but instead I got something that completely turned my life upside down - for the better. I wanted to be understood and accepted by others but all of a sudden I now understand the world so fully (at least to the complete satisfaction of my brain & heart) and am self-reliant. I don't prefer a solitary life but I can definitely do it and be content whereas only a few months ago I couldn't stand solitude for more than a couple of hours.

    Nothing changed except my own perception of life. I don't say this to feign humility and can't overstate it: I literally owe everything to God. Literally in a few seconds my world changed - life long mysteries answered and wounds healed. If I was reading this a few months ago I would have dismissed it as "happy people's delusions" or something.

    You'll know what I mean soon. I'm not saying that just to cheer you up or something - I don't do that. It's always darkest before dawn (SO true).

    Read Martin Lings book. It's a good start.

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  2. I think you'll find this to be informative:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-JlkisV72os

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    1. WHat are you? Conversion agent?

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  3. I kind of enjoyed the story. I personally like the crackers and cheese type of life more and more. I know the story was metaphorical but I no longer enjoy full-on dinners. Life of excess has its consequences and I just hate the feeling I get after overindulgence.

    Which reminds me that this Christmas season makes me nearly lose my mind. I hate Christmas dinners and get-togethers where people eat and drink and talk for hours. I had a business related one last night and I have one again tonight with my family. I'm almost angry that I said I would join it and in my mind I'm making plans of leaving the country so that I can avoid these type of things in the future. I seriously don't understand that anyone would truly enjoy talking BS for hours – especially in work-related gatherings. It bores me to death and leaves me so exhausted.

    Are all 'socios' introverts or is it just me?

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  4. Socios hate people just the way dogs very often hate other dogs. And to sit and smalltalk with other people about weather, for no other purpose than "to do so", does not fit the average psychopath. Yes, socios can apprecite talk/meetings with folks they know, just not social gatherings with half-strangers with no real purpose. Do cats do that? NO.

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    1. "to sit and smalltalk with other people about weather, for no other purpose than "to do so", does not fit the average psychopath"

      Well it certainly doesn't appeal to me. I love having one-to-one conversations about interesting topics but I admit it's for the purpose of deepening my understanding and widening my views.

      Here's another sign of (my) socio Christmas: I never buy presents to my friends/family. I say that it's because I don't like the stress and Christmas should be about chilling out etc but really I just don't see the point and don't want to spend my money on others – except for my clients, in which case I consider it a marketing expense.

      I'm not bothered about receiving presents either. I think quite often people think that sociopaths are people that want attention and gifts etc but I'm the opposite. And anyway I think people often confuse sociopaths and narcissists. I don't like giving affection and I don't want it back. I also don't like being admired and it actually sometimes really irritates me if I get those kind of vibes.

      I guess I'm the type of a sociopath who doesn't feel the need for other people but I don't feel the need to hurt them either. It just sometimes happens that when people annoy me for whatever reason I ignore them or dump them or dismiss them and do something that they think is hurtful. But its never for the sake of harming others but more like the people just get on the way of what I want. This wasn't meant to sound like me giving excuses, I'm just thinking out loud.

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    2. Oh yeah and about social gatherings: I just realized that I act just as I did when I was a kid. I skipped school as much as I could without it affecting my grades. I also don't attend most events etc but just the ones that I Really Have To Go or it will have an effect on my business or similar.

      It's just that people kind of expect others to jump out of joy when there is an opportunity of a fattening and booze-filled dinner fueled by BS that goes on all night.

      I'm actually planning to tell some friends soon that I'm an introvert and that's why I don't often come to parties and that I would much rather meet them one-to-one. Let's see how that goes down.

      The older I get the more I ONLY want to do things I really want to do and parties and events do not belong in that category.

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    3. I was / am almost exactly as you describe yourself here. Maybe there's other reasons why you call yourself a sociopath but none of this is sociopathy.

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    4. http://media.giphy.com/media/mGiNOjKRUtRde/giphy.gif

      Jonarsewad at 9:19 AM, 1:28 PM and 1:38 PM

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    5. I pretty much feel like Lola with the only difference that I do seek affection but I'm very picky. I've read that we introverts are easily overwhelmed by excess of external stimulation, not only in regard to social life and at least for me it's truly the case. I'm sensitive to loud noises for example, and I love simplicity.

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  5. A whining empath suddenly gets a christmas-present from a socio, a wrapped handwritten note saying: "PLEASE GO AWAY, GO CRY ELSEWHERE. YOU´RE LIKE A PESTILENT SOUL-SUCKER, THE VERY THING SO MANY SOCIOPATHS LOATHE. THE REASON MANY QUIET SOCIOS GO FROM DOCILE TO ROTTEN IS YOU. YOUR CLINGY WAYS BRING OUT THE WORST IN THEM. IF YOU HAD NOT TICKLED THEM WITH YOUR SAPPY SHITE, THEY WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR CHOIR-MEMBERS. SO, PLEASE LEAVE. GO AWAY..OH PLEASE SAY YOU WILL?"

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    1. You need to check your blood pressure. Some of us are okay with sharing our REALLY stories in case someone might benefit. Just remember YOU are the deviation, not normal people.

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    2. And in case you didn't notice, mr. Macho anonymous who's rational not emotional: YOU are whining - I was telling a good ending, not whining. Your mind sure is a piece of work.

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    3. http://media.giphy.com/media/mGiNOjKRUtRde/giphy.gif

      Jonarsewad at 9:39 AM

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  6. Look at it like this: we all have a single, common origin. Biologically that's a fact and spiritually it's not a "fact" but rather subjective. Once we're cut off or distanced from our true origins we eventually forget where we came from or if indeed there was any such thing.

    At first it's exciting, kind of like when you turn 18 and off you go. You're free to do as you please and there's no one to stop you except the law - which is arbitrary and constantly amended to suit the time & context (evolving demands of society). In the end, however, a part of us knows that we're missing something - there's a big mystery that needs to be solved. The more options you exhaust the more you realize that this craving is real and even stronger. So long as you remain "cut off" you'll always remain somewhat empty inside no matter how successful you may seem on the outside.

    Everyone falls on a spectrum. You hear stories about people all the time: someone devoted themselves to their work (art, designing, films, writing etc), others to their families or some "cause," others (sociopathic) in the pursuit of power & wealth, etc etc. That covers everyone except the two extremes of the spectrum: 1) those with uncompromising integrity and a yearning for truth above all else, 2) those with an uncompromising love and admiration for themselves ONLY. In short: the most sincere and empathic on one end and the most psychopathic on the other end. The former will find their true purpose in God and the latter in the exact opposite. These are the best and worst of humanity.

    As for "do cats do that?":

    Animals (non-human) are not altruistic nor sadistic, as far as we know. Since when does comparing oneself to the less-evolved species give any credence to an argument pertaining to humans. Do cats go to school? NO

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  7. The zen psychopath would say that our minds (default modenetwork) tends to create a story about an M.E. that is doing things nonoptimally and missing out. if you look carefully you may discover that this person cannot be found, nor is there any way to know if the story is true or not. i mean that literally - you cannot see, hear, taste touch or smell the person that is making suboptimal choices. looking for the person and trying to find out where the stories about this person come from (where are they? where do they come from? where do they go?) will - in people that really attend to the exercise - produce some confusion and then lead to freedom.

    and oh - this is probably happening because you're believing the story that there is a you that has courageously and diligently done the therapy to transcend yourself - that is, like a typical human, you've got an identity, sense of self, etc. a typical psychopath is just stuck desiring, scheming and chasing 100% - without the ruminatuon, self-condemnation, etc. so psychopath well-being is often much higher, even if there's some obvious addictive/extreme behavior.

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    1. Believe this and go down the same pithole this apparently "altruistic" psychopath has gone. Apparently psychopaths care about your well being M.E. Or maybe it's a minion doing its job.

      Zen psychopath lol.

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    2. http://media.giphy.com/media/mGiNOjKRUtRde/giphy.gif

      Jonarsewad at 10:37 AM

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  8. I like these long posts. Fascinating read.

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    1. http://media.giphy.com/media/mGiNOjKRUtRde/giphy.gif

      Jonarsewad at 11:27 AM

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    2. ý tưởng tô điểm cho phép thử nghiệm và đem lại cho vật dụng trong nhà nhà sự bất ngờ và nét riêng biệt. Đó là một thời điểm tốt để biến giấc mơ bạn đã ấp ủ bao lâu nay biến thành hiện thực. Hôm nay bạn có thể trang tri noi that căn nhà của bạn bằng cách thêm ghe sofa bố trí có một không hai, phản ánh ước mơ của bạn. sat my thuat bộ sưu tập của các sáng kiến tiên tiến cho bức tường trống sẽ giúp chọn bí quyết tốt nhất cho đồ đạc chung cư của bạn và phân phối cho nguồn thú vui lý tưởng cho những dự án trang trí. do go phong khach , do go nha bep , do go phong ngu , giúp diện tích sống cập nhật một cách nhanh chóng. Một lớp sơn mới sáng trên bức tường của bạn hoặc bông hoa đẹp trên nền phá cách là các ý tưởng trang trí tường hoàn hảo và phản ánh các xu thế mới nhất. Bức tường không phải chỉ là một màu đồng điệu. Ngoài ra còn có phần lớn các loại khoa học trang trí bạn có thể thử trên những bức tường trống rỗng của bạn như gia cong sat , gia cong inox , bang hieu , logo , poster , gian hang hoi cho , cong chao su kien , su kien quang cao

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  9. "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all."
    - Helen Keller

    I'm an ESTP personality, and self identify as a sociopath.

    See, I couldn't agree with that kind of morose feeling; to me the saltine cracker and processed cheese lifestyle is for empaths, normal people who are victims of their own emotional prison and stuck in not only a culture but mindset of fear. I want to be able to create and live a life I love because I seek to make it into a work of art, to experience all my darkest fantasies and pursue unconstricted liberty and freedom of expression. I want to be wild and beautiful, to be able to run through the dark like a child of night, to be the brave individual that I am. The thrills and rush I love to experience are never for the sake of pleasuring others emotionally, but to expand my mental horizons and quench my thirst for stimulation.

    I can't ever sell myself short with a life of crackers and cheese; I want the life on the edge, the whole cruise ship experience. I am fucking crazy. But I am free.

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    1. http://media.giphy.com/media/mGiNOjKRUtRde/giphy.gif

      Jonarsewad at 4:02 PM

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    2. "I want to be able to create and live a life I love because I seek to make it into a work of art, to experience all my darkest fantasies and pursue unconstricted liberty and freedom of expression."

      Nothing inherently wrong with wanting this and more. Making it happen, however, is when you go sociopathic and yes that is objectively wrong. The world is not made for any one individual to attain this without causing needless suffering to innocent people.

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    3. I have never cared about the casualties of my lifestyle and actions spurred by my brain function as a sociopath. I am not responsible for the negative emotions of others. Only they have responsibility for themselves, their self image and esteem. We are like waves crashing together; whether or not they fall beneath my tsunami of fulfillment and enrichment is none of my concern.

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    4. " We are like waves crashing together; whether or not they fall beneath my tsunami of fulfillment and enrichment is none of my concern."

      The waves we send out come back to us. Life's a boomerang. Round and Round.

      Mr. Hyde

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    5. Well said, Mr. Hyde!!! Here's a song recommendation-"Midnight" by Yaz.:)

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  10. "I am not responsible for the negative emotions of others."

    Time and time again sociopaths and psychopaths say this as if somehow just because you say something it becomes reality. That only works in your own head, not for everyone else. You're certainly responsible for the negative emotions YOU cause in others by your deliberate actions. Who else should be responsible? This reasoning is like me saying: well, no one was watching and I managed to get away with burning down your house. I'm not responsible for your loss - learn to deal with it. "Others" don't get hurt just because you're different - they get hurt because of what you DO - your lies and deception - and those are objectively wrong.

    I can somewhat respect a sociopath who says "I deceive and manipulate and cheat and don't care if I hurt others" but to outright deny that you have any responsibility is just plain stupid.

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  11. And the ultimate crime ("sin") of the sociopath is NOT what they DO or even how they shirk responsibility but rather it is how they lie and try to JUSTIFY it. By doing so, you're not just saying "well I'm different and I can't help myself" you're saying "you're all wrong and what I do - even if it is by all objective standards wrong - is actually right." You thereby spread this disease.

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  12. "We are like waves crashing together; whether or not they fall beneath my tsunami of fulfillment and enrichment is none of my concern."

    This is only true if you're dealing other sociopaths. Most people are not "waves" coming against you. They're actually a pleasant breeze which you take advantage of by burying under your wave and then justifying it in such ghastly ways. This justification - not necessarily the wrongs done - rightly make you the most degeneate and dishonorable class of any society.

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    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98WtmW-lfeE

      I will not succumb to your will, Jihadi Jonaid. I will not slit the wrists of my dreams for the sake of appeasing you, or anyone else. My self image, confidence, and esteem is independent of reliance on external forces. My love for myself truly comes from within. I embrace and accept every aspect of myself and never have reason for feeling guilt or shame for my identity.

      I strive to be a model citizen within my community, looked up to by others and known as a charitable if cold person. People will notice my shallow affect, my clever way with words to use the knowledge of their motivations and weaknesses, but the results of those manipulations more often then not not only have a direct benefit for myself but also my community. I strive to be a leader; if I break people it is usually to also build them back up into a stronger individual.

      My resilience and strength of personality is a result of my true nature as a sociopath, which I will not deny myself of.

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    2. Anon,

      Before I can address the rest of your post, please listen to:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY.

      The hour is late. "If I break people . . ."

      Mr. Hyde

      PS I do have sympathy for the devil. Rolling Stones version. The devil that comes out with Milgram's touch is pandemic. ;)

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    3. Interesting choice of lyrics. I'm a twenty something millennial, so my taste in music may differ. Different times, different tastes. I do like to broaden my horizon of musical taste though. I like this song. Here's something from the genius.com annotations on the song:

      "What we do know about the thief and the Joker is that they are outsiders in some capacity. They operate outside the walls of conventional psychological safety, and would rather spend their time risking the threats of wolves and howling winds than be cooped up behind the safe walls the princes hide behind. The Joker expresses frustration and some degree of sadness at the state of the world, and shows a desire to change things."

      I can relate to this, somewhat. Perhaps not frustration or sadness, but pity and disappointment for those burdened with guilt and shame, and thus resentment towards themselves for feeling powerless to be their true selves. My sociopathy is my authenticity, and if it means running past wolves beyond the saftey of normal psychological conventions to have it, by all means I shall do what I must to seize it.

      I cannot help it if some fall down beneath my tsunami; I might fix some, but not all. It is inevitable in the conquest for power, even benevolent power, that some are left broken. I don't deny this, but it doesn't weigh heavily on my conscience ever. I can only seek to obtain the benefits I desire from using others as my tools, and try to sharpen those tools when I can. I don't like it when my tools get dull, they'll lack the utility I require of them.

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    4. "I cannot help it if some fall down beneath my tsunami . . ."

      No sweat, baby. Everybody's surfing in the usa now. :D

      Mr. Hyde

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    5. PS-Jimi Hendrix ROCKS!!! He is loved by generations of people!!! So many AWESOME MUSICIANS are from Seattle!!!

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    6. " It is inevitable in the conquest for power, even benevolent power, that some are left broken. I don't deny this, but it doesn't weigh heavily on my conscience ever. I can only seek to obtain the benefits I desire from using others as my tools, and try to sharpen those tools when I can. I don't like it when my tools get dull, they'll lack the utility I require of them."

      Inevitable? Lol. That's delusional. The only real power you possess is over yourself. The rest is wishful thinking. Sure, you succeed sometimes. Deluding others. So what. In the end, you cannot feed. Because it takes a global village to feed a small, growing every smaller interconnected world.

      Mr. Hyde

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    7. Well said, Mr. Hyde.:) I especially like your description-"small, growing ever smaller interconnected world"...

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    8. Anon, Hendrix rocks for all eternity.

      However, I was referring to the Beach Boys, whom I didn't listen to or care for very much. But in poster's wavy context it very much came to my wicked mind.

      Mr. Hyde

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  13. It's been a while since I posted a chapter. Here's a short one:

    In the name of God, The All-Merciful, The Compassionate.

    "By the snorting courses,
    Striking sparks of fire
    And scouring to the raid at dawn,
    Then, therewith, with their trail of dust,
    Cleaving, as one, the centre (of the foe),
    Lo! man is an ingrate unto his Lord
    And lo! he is a witness unto that;
    And lo! in the love of wealth he is violent.
    Knoweth he not that, when the contents of the graves are
    poured forth
    And the secrets of the breasts are made known,
    On that day will their Lord be perfectly informed concerning
    them."

    Qur'an Chapter 100: The Courser

    Unfortunately it is impossible to come anywhere near the eloquence, beauty and power of an Arabic recitation of the same.

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    1. If by your standards these words are eloquent and beautiful, I would rather think that this is merely a stroking of your own ego under the facade of your faith. We know how to see your motivations and weaknesses, Jonaid.

      Of course, perhaps I'm projecting how I think you feel, and your words are purely earnest. However I'd be inclined to think that you have an agenda of ypur own to impose your beliefs, based on how you've behaved here in the past.

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  14. So when I got back to my apartment tonight I noticed I had a mail - a small package with a book and a letter. Book is entitled "5 Amazing Muslims Touched By GOD." The letter was just a general message and there is no information on the sender. It seemed fishy to say the least. Now having "found God" myself I tried not to judge the content of this book but really it is far-fetched and that's being kind. In addition it has a deceptive title leading one to believe it's about some Muslims when it's really about people who are being "saved" by Jesus. I wonder if he taught them deceptive marketing strategies or what.

    Whoever is heading this project needs to employ more "learned" minions.

    Anonymous 8:52 pm

    All you have to do to "see" my motivations and weaknesses is to read my messages and take them at face value. I'm not a psycho or a sociopath or a narcissist. I'm curious though what do you think are my motivations and weaknesses? I won't deny it if you guess right (I've already made them plain!).

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    1. LOL! The book was a gesture to you, to put a mirror up to your face to show you the truth. Christians try almost if not just as much as Muslims to spread their religious agenda. You too, Jonaid, succumb to a culture of fear, and seek to spread your malignant beliefs upon others to satiate your narcissism.

      Yes, it's quite clear to us all what exactly your intentions are, Jihadi.

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    2. I wouldn't bet that this organization mailing these books was "Christian." The deceptive nature of it hints of something else.

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    3. Anonymous 9:52 pm

      Why do you feed your brain concoctions? Are you truly satisfied with making up self-affirming conclusions without evidence and forcing your mind to accept them? Do you not see how by doing so you're gradually killing your mind?

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    4. I hope you overcome this state of mind. No doubt it'll take immense courage and patience but who knows - sometimes the best of people come out from the worst of them.

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  15. To M.E.: Here are a couple of excerpts I highlighted from the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain that might be of interest to you:

    "Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act." —MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI

    "Once you understand introversion and extroversion as preferences for certain levels of stimulation, you can begin consciously trying to situate yourself in environments favorable to your own personality—neither overstimulating nor understimulating, neither boring nor anxiety-making." --Susan Cain

    Maybe the old behavior patterns provided you with the right amount of stimulation or at least a higher level and now you feel a little deprived (?)
    We like stress, in the right amount. And given that socios have lower levels of Cortisol in general, it makes sense to me that they need more thrilling activities (and also that they are prone to boredom).

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  16. Something that I thought about today – and once again unrelated to the original subject.

    I have quite addictive personality. When I was younger I got addicted to cigarettes, men, sex, alcohol, drugs. You name it, I had to have it. The only reason I live quite a clean life now is because all those things made me feel like shit and eventually I figured out they weren't worth it. I'm also a bit of a slave to habits and can eat the same thing again and again pretty much every day for years. And I like to do the same things every day in the same order. When I thought about it I realized that perhaps habits and addiction are the same thing. I think it's pretty interesting that the same trait can have either very destructive or super constructive consequences. If I'm really clever about this I can get myself addicted to really good habits.

    I was also thinking how different people have such different 'manuals'. Not sure if this is a socio thing or if everyone thinks like this but it's like everyone comes with their personal set of instructions that I'm trying to first figure out and then remember. If the person is someone I value in my life I make an effort to try and follow the manual very carefully but if it's someone with no importance whatsoever I don't even bother opening the manual.

    "Once you understand introversion and extroversion as preferences for certain levels of stimulation, you can begin consciously trying to situate yourself in environments favorable to your own personality—neither overstimulating nor understimulating, neither boring nor anxiety-making." --Susan Cain

    Maybe the old behavior patterns provided you with the right amount of stimulation or at least a higher level and now you feel a little deprived (?)
    We like stress, in the right amount. And given that socios have lower levels of Cortisol in general, it makes sense to me that they need more thrilling activities (and also that they are prone to boredom)."

    Maybe there is something in here. I struggle with boredom and overstimulation – before I discovered my sociopathic tendencies I actually thought might be bipolar but realized that actually most of my ups and downs are physical symptoms of under or over-stimulation – but the older I get the better I seem to find the balance. I still do some major fuck ups that nearly destroy me but less now I think and I think it's because I know myself better and better.

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    1. "but the older I get the better I seem to find the balance."

      Yeah, me too :)
      I'm learning to pay attention to my needs better and say "no" to a lot of things.

      Delete
    2. ""Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act." —MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI

      Not always. Enjoyment can happen at all life circumstances, stages and in all endeavors. Whether or not we chose to act; sometimes not acting, being indifferent is best: Buddhists chose to harm themselves (self-immolation) in protest of violation of human rights rather than harm others. This is a noble expression of rage.

      I would choose this path first and foremost.

      Why not? Hurting others changes nothing; violence begets violence and I know, in my heart, that the only being over which I truly hold power is myself. The Kingdom of Heaven, the ultimate Power, lies within.

      I don't need be Christian to know realize that. Just somewhat sentient.

      Mr. Hyde

      Delete
    3. You are wise, Mr. Hyde, and absolutely correct!!! By the way, I loved the movie "Kingdom of Heaven".:) I love Orlando Bloom and Eva Green!!!

      Delete
    4. Mr. Hyde, I agree with you that acting might not always be the best choice. The quote refers to your "capacity to act" but you might very well prefer not to.
      I'm not suggesting to hurt anyone, just offered one possible reason for her feeling less thrilled. Once you understand the "why" you can find a way to satisfy that need in a way you feel it's positive and fulfilling.
      Back to the quote, if you imagine physiological stress varying on a spectrum, where you get boredom on one side and anxiety on the other, and you're feeling enjoyment; then you are not bored nor anxious no matter the circumstances. That's the way I understand the quote. I'm referring to stress in a biological sense here, maybe not the most common use. Low levels of Cortisol let us sleep at night and increased levels wake up us in the morning. When you feel excitement, even if it's just due to a thought, it's you're having a stress response.

      Delete
  17. Once again I relate. I've been chronically bored my whole life except when I was in business and when I'm reading / watching anything that adds to my understanding of the world. Only now - for the first time in my life - am I hardly ever bored.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Also when I was with a select few people who I respected and enjoyed their company. Even that I don't need anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  19. R there any crackwhore sluts on here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On December 18, 2015 at 1:28 PM Lola or Yoda also said along similar lines/meaning:

      "to sit and smalltalk with other people about weather, for no other purpose than "to do so", does not fit the average psychopath"

      …– except for my clients, in which case I consider it a marketing expense.”

      So, Jonaid/Yoda/Lola/Noelia (Since you are the same person, I am addressing you as one in this comment.):

      Lola December 19, 2015 at 7:21 AM

      “Maybe there is something in here. I struggle with boredom and overstimulation – before I discovered my sociopathic tendencies I actually thought might be bipolar but realized that actually most of my ups and downs are physical symptoms of under or over-stimulation – but the older I get the better I seem to find the balance. I still do some major fuck ups that nearly destroy me but less now I think and I think it's because I know myself better and better.”

      You might have thought that you were bipolar, that you had dissociative identity disorder, that you were autistic, or that you were a sociopath, but considering everything that you have written and shown on this blog, none of the above applies to you. You are constantly attempting to “redefine” your mental illness, and although you know that you are a schizoid or that you have schizophrenia, it is not something that you are willing to FULLY accept. Why is that? Answer: Insanity, which is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

      Here are some of your thoughts denoting the above:

      Lola December 19, 2015 at 7:21 AM

      “I'm also a bit of a slave to habits and can eat the same thing again and again pretty much every day for years. And I like to do the same things every day in the same order.”

      Jonaid December 9, 2015 at 4:02 PM

      “M.E. and sincere readers please confirm this on your own if you're intrigued:

      Speaking of movies, I recently watched "A Beautiful Mind" - incidentally when I was having a bad day with my new found "faith." I have no idea why I wanted to watch that and not something else (I've seen it before). So I watched it and noticed something was "off" (again, no idea why). It felt like the movie was "rigged." He was seeing people for years but it only turned into paranoia and schizophrenia after his new wife got pregnant. Then all of a sudden he started thinking he's being chased and he's admitted in psych ward. He starts medication and is relatively okay after because he also learns to avoid his "visions." Fast forward he wins Nobel prize and thanks his wife during the lecture. Now here is the interesting part:
      1) John Nash NEVER saw anyone or anything. He never had visual hallucinations.
      2) His "delusions" (auditory and perceptive) started AFTER he got married and his wife was pregnant. They never occurred before.
      3) He was put in psych ward and forced to take medication. He eventually stopped them altogether (I believe by 1970 he was completely medication free).
      4) His wife divorced him and left him in 1963 (3/4 years after he's diagnosed with schizophrenia) and remarries him in 2001 (7 years after he wins the Nobel prize). That's right - he gave no speech at the ceremony and did not thank anyone, including his wife.
      5) He actually thought he was being given messages & a mission by aliens from the sky. He thought it was similar to MUHAMMAD and actually started looking into Islam. Alas, the minions around him pinned him down. He was certainly no Muhammad.”

      Delete
    2. Continuing:

      This is exactly what you have been writing and showing in your posts as Jonaid, but once in a while, which is the known course of your mental illness, you snap out of your hallucinations and stop identifying as Muhammad or as his messenger. I used Trelawny (“divination professor”) to denote how you sound and to give you a mental picture of it, especially when claiming that you have been experiencing “divine revelations” in connection to Islam, Muhammad and psychopaths/sociopaths. The comment about Trelawny and “looking in the cup” was meant to indicate the fact that whenever you are being asked for reasonable or rational answers to your posts about Muhammad, Islam and psychopaths/sociopaths, you become either evasive/shifty, paranoid or defensive.

      Supporting point when presenting as Radical Agnostic:

      Radical Agnostic October 3, 2014 at 10:53 AM

      “I can't remember the last time I made a rational decision. I am 70 years old. It's quite possible that I have never made a rational decision in my entire life. Certainly, my choice to be conceived can hardly be described as rational, though as I did not choose to be conceived in Darfur or Moscow or in Antarctica shows that something worthwhile was in play. Perhaps it's called good luck”

      Supporting point:

      “I have no idea why I wanted to watch that and not something else (I've seen it before).”

      Again, you know what you have as a mental illness, but you are not willing to fully accept it. What is the definition of insanity? Answer: Insanity, which is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

      noelia December 18, 2015 at 5:49 PM

      “I've read that we introverts are easily overwhelmed by excess of external stimulation, not only in regard to social life and at least for me it's truly the case. I'm sensitive to loud noises for example, and I love simplicity.”

      You are overwhelmed by scattered thinking and hallucinations. Consequently, your brain searches for simplicity. Also, I used Salieri and Renfield better illustrate the extent of your resentment, inner sickness and envy-speckled messages. Moreover, I used the dot/spatter/blotch theme to express that your constant and insatiable need for attention is actually diminishing and reducing your efforts to that state. It is quality as opposed to quantity of output/thought that defines the great attributes of a revered individual.

      You have been asked to stop posting about Islam/Muhammed and to cease demonizing sociopaths/psychopaths. But, no, you keep doing it repeatedly and irrationally expecting different outcomes.

      Yet AGAIN, here is your reminder: What is the definition of insanity? Answer: Insanity, which is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

      As soon as you fully accept your mental illness, along with your schizoid hallucinations about Islam/Muhammed and crackwhore sluts being on this blog, the overwhelming pain that governs all of your posts will finally stop.

      Delete
    3. WHOA!!!! YOU GO GARDEL!!!

      Delete
  20. There is one thing in this pile of rubbish posted by Gardel that I might as well elucidate on.

    When you're a staunch atheist for 12 years, gay and vehemently opposed to anything not evidence based and "reasonable" and then all of a sudden you realize that what you considered to be bronze age myths / delusions are actually true - yes you don't swallow it whole overnight. The more obvious and plain something appears, the more you think "this can't be." A small seemingly contradictory statement blows up and seems like it's a major stumbling block. I've had hundreds of "proofs" against God and Islam. So yes, I've had days (not more than 2/3 in 3 months) when I felt a little weak in faith but it only lasted a couple of hours at maximum and then something would occur (i.e. Beautiful Mind which you copied above) which would reinforce and my faith even stronger. In fact at this point I prefer to use the word "faith" for any belief NOT related to God.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "There is one thing in this pile of rubbish posted by Gardel that I might as well elucidate on."

      versus

      "I've had hundreds of "proofs" against God and Islam. So yes, I've had days (not more than 2/3 in 3 months) when I felt a little weak in faith but it only lasted a couple of hours at maximum and then something would occur (i.e. Beautiful Mind which you copied above) which would reinforce and my faith even stronger."

      These two statements are strikingly contradictory. How is what I wrote about your being schizoid and/or having paranoid schizophrenia a pile of rubbish if your faith in getting better is strengthened when watching the movie “A Beautiful Mind?”

      Islam/Muhammad or religion is not the answer or solution when it comes to getting better. You are experiencing a religious delusion or hallucination, which is VERY common in people with schizophrenia. You need to look at logical, scientific research and real, PRACTICAL ways to manage your illness:
      “But how often do people recover from schizophrenia, and how does such a destructive disease disappear?

      Nash developed symptoms of schizophrenia in the late 1950s, when he was around age 30, after he made groundbreaking contributions to the field of mathematics, including the extension of game theory, or the math of decision making. He began to exhibit bizarre behavior and experience paranoia and delusions, according to The New York Times. Over the next several decades, he was hospitalized several times, and was on and off anti-psychotic medications.

      Studies done in the 1930s, before medications for schizophrenia were available, found that about 20 percent of patients recovered on their own, while 80 percent did not, said Dr. Gilda Moreno, a clinical psychologist at Nicklaus Children's Hospital in Miami. More recent studies have found that, with treatment, up to 60 percent of schizophrenia patients can achieve remission, which researchers define as having minimal symptoms for at least six months, according to a 2010 review study in the journal Advances in Psychiatric Treatment.

      It's not clear why only some schizophrenia patients get better, but researchers do know that a number of factors are linked with better outcomes. Nash appeared to have had many of these factors in his favor, Moreno said. [5 Controversial Mental Health Treatments]

      People who have a later onset of the disease tend to do better than those who experience their first episode of psychosis in their teens, Moreno said. ("Psychosis" refers to losing touch with reality, exhibited by symptoms like delusions.) Nash was 30 years old when he started to experience symptoms of schizophrenia, which include hallucinations and delusions.

      In addition, social factors — such as having a job, a supportive community and a family that is able to help with everyday tasks — are also linked with better outcomes for schizophrenia patients, Moreno said.”

      http://www.livescience.com/51058-schizophrenia-recovery-john-nash.html

      My point was that your religious thinking/delusion/hallucination will only lead you down the same road, meaning doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. No, a different result will not happen as long as you are sinking into the false abyss of a religious delusion or hallucination. Maintaining so on your part will only drown you further. Any other type of thinking sustaining your false belief would be an aberration. You need to get help and stabilize. Read the article.

      Delete
    2. These two statements are strikingly contradictory. How is what I wrote about your being schizoid and/or having paranoid schizophrenia a pile of rubbish if your faith in getting better is strengthened when watching the movie “A Beautiful Mind?”

      I meant to emphasize that what I wrote was not a pile of rubbish as you have erroneously phrased it, and that you need to fully accept that you have this mental illness. That is the only way to getting real help. Again, read the article.

      Delete
    3. Numb nuts im catholic

      Delete
  21. Nvmd bout insult comment

    ReplyDelete
  22. What was striking about "The Beautiful Mind" was HOW they twisted the real life story of John Nash to suit an agenda which becomes obvious and apparent when you notice what changes they made. Firstly they conjured up the hallucinations. He claims himself to have NEVER had any visual hallucinations. Second they show in the movie that they started while he was in Princeton and NOT after he got married whereas in reality his "delusions" started after he got married. For sure she had something to do with his condition worsening because she left him when he didn't "get better" and then only remarried him decades later when he won the noble prize. In the movie its just one big happy love story and he thanks her for saving his life. They also show him as taking medications for decades when in reality he only took them while he was forced to at the onset of his "treatment."

    As for your diagnosing me with schizophrenia: you can say and think whatever you like. You probably know full well what causes the "symptoms" listed under schizophrenia. It's the same thing that causes sleep paralysis. Funny how it can be so easily "cured" by invoking God Most High as a protection against the Devil and his minions. Quran chapters 113 and 114 in particular are specifically for this purpose. Anyone reading who's had / has sleep paralysis should try it for themselves and see. Don't take my word on it and certainly not the word of these minions.

    M.E. don't get lost in all the BS these frauds deliberately throw out to confuse and muddy the waters. At best they convince and at worst they confuse you. As far as they're concerned its a win win strategy. Alas for them, God guides as he wills and these lowly tactics only end up hurting the liars in the end. Do your own research and listen to YOUR OWN heart. Take what is logical, rational and plain and leave that which is vague and ambiguous.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Now I know schizophrenia is BS but even if it wasn't I certainly wouldn't be diagnosable. I just had one mystic experience. At most a skeptic can say "your mind played a trick on you." Of course I've considered that in every possible angle but a "mind trick" which 1) cures depression immediately, 2) stabelizes mood immediately, 3) provides insight and answers for life-long mysteries & questions, 4) triggers a journey to confirm it wasn't a mind trick and ends up proving me right literally every day - that's a "mind trick" I'd happily take again and again. I'd like more such "delusions" that make me happier, more logical & rational, more honest, more ethical, more optimistic and more altruistic. I wonder why such "delusions" happen? Hmmm

    The minions call it a "delusion" or "schizophrenia" because that's easy, convenient and manages to avoid the obvious: having to explain an experience of transcendence.

    ReplyDelete
  24. In the name of God, The All-Merciful, The Compassionate.

    "But nay! I swear by all that ye see
    And all that ye see not
    That it is indeed the speech of an illustrious messenger.
    It is not poet's speech - little is it that ye believe!
    Nor diviner's speech - little is it that ye remember!
    It is a revelation from the Lord of the Worlds.
    And if he had invented false sayings concerning Us,
    We assuredly had taken him by the right hand
    And then severed his life-artery,
    And not one of you could have held Us off from him.
    And lo! it is a warrant unto those who ward off (evil).
    And lo! We know that some among you will deny (it).
    And lo! it is indeed an anguish for the disbelievers.
    And lo! it is absolute truth.
    So glorify the name of thy Tremendous Lord."

    Qur'an 69:38-52

    NOTE:

    I used to wonder why the Qur'an warns of punishment so often when I was an atheist. I didn't understand WHO it was talking to. "Me? I don't know what you're saying and you're threatening me? Be more clear!" --- Now I know full well what it is saying and to who. Stop ruining yourselves by deliberately caricaturing facts and truth again and again to confuse people.

    ReplyDelete
  25. To Gardel: I'm honored you went to such great lengths trying to figure out our identities. Sorry to break it down to you but I'm neither schizoid or Jonaid – as far as I know anyway. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But how do you know that I'm not you replying to myself, huh? xD

      Delete
    2. Exactly! If you are me and I'm Jonaid but I just don't know it, then Gardel is spot on. Wowzers!

      Delete
    3. Oh there's no getting anything past Gardel. He saw straight through me too and I was only here for 2 seconds to say I liked M.E's posts.

      Delete
    4. And he knows we're Radical Agnostic too

      Delete
  26. "...neither schizoid or Jonaid"

    I shouldn't be giving ammo but it sounds like I'm just another condition along with Schizoid. Lol not saying you meant anything ill Lola ;).

    ReplyDelete
  27. ESTP sociopath back in the house;

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrUvu1mlWco

    We run things, things don't run we
    Don't take nothing from nobody yeah yeah

    It's our party we can do what we want
    It's our party we can say what we want
    It's our party we can love who we want
    We can kiss who we want
    We can see who we want

    To my home girls here with the big butts
    Shaking it like we at a strip club
    Remember only God can judge us
    Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya
    And everyone in line in the bathroom
    Trying to get a line in the bathroom
    We all so turnt up here
    Getting turnt up yeah yeah yeah...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Replies
    1. They say that if you're bored, it's probably because you yourself are indeed boring. Just an observation.

      Delete
  29. This reminds me of chapter 5, "Spending Tips from People Who Spend a Lot but Aren’t Broke", of the book, "The Thin Green Line: The Money Secrets of the Super Wealthy". I would comment more about it but I can't find my copy of the book. I got the chapter name off of Amazon's description.

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is for our "special" visitors to this blog. One of them asked me about this but apparently he / she isn't around anymore (or is using a new ID).

    In the name of God, The All-Merciful, The Compassionate.

    "And when We inclined toward thee (Muhammad) certain of the
    jinn, who wished to hear the Qur'an and, when they were in
    its presence, said: Give ear! and, when it was finished,
    turned back to their people, warning.

    They said: O our people! Lo! we have heard a scripture which
    hath been revealed after Moses, confirming that which was
    before it, guiding unto the truth and a right road.

    O our people! respond to God's summoner and believe in
    Him. He will forgive you some of your sins and guard you
    from a painful doom.

    And whoso respondeth not to Allah's summoner he can nowise
    escape in the earth, and he hath no protecting friends
    instead of Him. Such are in error manifest.

    Have they not seen that God, Who created the heavens and
    the earth and was not wearied by their creation, is Able to
    give life to the dead? Aye, He verily is Able to do all
    things.

    And on the day when those who cover up (the truth) are
    exposed to the Fire (they will be asked): Is not this real
    They will say: Yea, by our Lord. He will say: Then taste the
    doom for that ye denied.

    Then have patience (O Muhammad) even as the stout of heart
    among the messengers (of old) had patience, and seek not to
    hasten on (the doom) for them. On the day when they see that
    which they are promised (it will seem to them) as though
    they had tarried but an hour of daylight. A clear message.
    Shall any be destroyed save evil-living folk?

    Qur'an 46:29-35

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c8A4QVop3-8

      Write our names on the wall in the back of the bar
      Steal some bubblegum from the corner Maxi-Mart
      Yeah, we laughing like kids causing trouble in the dark
      Causing trouble in the dark, t-t-trouble in the dark

      Feeling like a saber-toothed tiger
      Sipping on a warm Budweiser
      Touch me and give me that rush
      Better pack a toothbrush
      Gonna pull an all-nighter
      We been keeping it kosher
      But I wanna get it on for sure
      Come gimme some of that yum like a lollipop
      Baby don't be scared

      C'mon 'cause I know what I like
      And you're looking just like my type
      Let's go for it just for tonight
      C'mon, c'mon, c'mon
      Now don't even try to deny
      We're both going home satisfied
      Let's go for it just for tonight
      C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...

      Delete
  31. Hey- I think the crackers thing is about being fiercely independent and not wanting to "trust"'that you will be provided for. At the risk of playing armchair psychologist I'd like you to stop thinking you are missing out on the fabulous fun other people have because they are less independent than you. Hey- it's not like you missed the cruise or the good meal!

    As for you being depressed a little with the new more emotionally connected you - give it time- I suspect you are going to be a serious badass for some cause because you are so untethered. The flip side to your sociopathy is that you are a soul whose will plus life experience turned you into a warrior. And a warrior, to feel fulfilled, needs a mission. Your depression isn't along term thing. It's more like Daniel being annoyed by Mr Miyagi (karate kid) becaus he doesn't see what the point of "paint the fence" and other boring preparation is.
    PS- this is actually Mach. ;). Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I lost my husband to another woman 2 weeks ago after 27 years of marriage . We had a lovely marriage but he started a relationship with a co worker who chased after him . He is living away near his work and her and refuses to talk to me or to come home . I am devastated and am finding it hard to cope . I wish I did not love him and that I could move on but I can't . I don't know how to stop feeling like this I wish I didn't as its eating me away and I m starting to feel ill. I have degraded myself begging him to come home all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr Frank Ojo can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. tow days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Frank Ojo . If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works, I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you. if you have any problem contact him, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, This is his details, E-mail: Templeofloveandprosperity@gmail.com , Web site: http://lovespell2.yolasite.com . Mobile number +2348072370762. Thank you all for reading.

    ReplyDelete
  33. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    ReplyDelete

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