From a reader:
I am a diagnosed sociopath, but I can recall emotion. And not just the pale, logical, calculated representation of it that it seems some sociopaths seem able to affect in their minds, but the actual, vibrant and unintentional feelings. And I know this because, against probability, I've experienced them again, very recently.
Recently, I managed to get myself recommended to a psychiatrist and analyzed as having relapsed into depression due to injury and stress. I was looking to get myself some study buddies, since I've done my medical research and happen to know that the people who can't be treated with regular serotonin boosters (I've tried SSRIs; they didn't do a thing to me) and who show my "symptoms" over here get time-released amphetamines instead.
I expected that I might not get much sleep the coming days. But not that this would be because of feelings of guilt or urgency or anxiety. I actually had a breakdown and cried, completely without control or intent, something I cannot recall the last time I ever did without faking it. I felt a lot of my old despair coming back, as well as regrets, impulses, the need to call certain people and talk or write something down...
I kept myself off the pills for a couple of weeks, then tried them again. The reaction was precisely the same. And this is when I (probably foolishly) told my psychiatrist. The only theory available to me is that I might be one of the few with MDD who responds to low-dose amphetamines instead, or possibly that I've something closer to ADD, but that my brain somehow "crashed" or "coped" back during my depression by "shutting off" my emotions. I was feeling too much like crap and killing myself, so I simply had to feel nothing at all instead.
I have been off the pills again for a few weeks. As I see it, there are drawbacks both to choosing to stay on the medication and perhaps get therapy, or to neglecting to take it. I know that when I am on the pills I feel more of certain things I want, including certain motivations, and a fear of what I am like without them, but also much self-loathing and that old depression coming back. But off them, I am more consistent, more capable. And I have learned to, if not take pride in, then at least find strength in being callous. It let me get myself back on track and helped with improving my social situation. It lets me put up with the problems I still have.
I would also be much obliged at any feedback or opinions.