Thursday, May 19, 2011

Feelings (part 1)

From a reader:
I am a diagnosed sociopath, but I can recall emotion. And not just the pale, logical, calculated representation of it that it seems some sociopaths seem able to affect in their minds, but the actual, vibrant and unintentional feelings. And I know this because, against probability, I've experienced them again, very recently.

Recently, I managed to get myself recommended to a psychiatrist and analyzed as having relapsed into depression due to injury and stress. I was looking to get myself some study buddies, since I've done my medical research and happen to know that the people who can't be treated with regular serotonin boosters (I've tried SSRIs; they didn't do a thing to me) and who show my "symptoms" over here get time-released amphetamines instead.

I expected that I might not get much sleep the coming days. But not that this would be because of feelings of guilt or urgency or anxiety. I actually had a breakdown and cried, completely without control or intent, something I cannot recall the last time I ever did without faking it. I felt a lot of my old despair coming back, as well as regrets, impulses, the need to call certain people and talk or write something down...

I kept myself off the pills for a couple of weeks, then tried them again. The reaction was precisely the same. And this is when I (probably foolishly) told my psychiatrist. The only theory available to me is that I might be one of the few with MDD who responds to low-dose amphetamines instead, or possibly that I've something closer to ADD, but that my brain somehow "crashed" or "coped" back during my depression by "shutting off" my emotions. I was feeling too much like crap and killing myself, so I simply had to feel nothing at all instead.

I have been off the pills again for a few weeks. As I see it, there are drawbacks both to choosing to stay on the medication and perhaps get therapy, or to neglecting to take it. I know that when I am on the pills I feel more of certain things I want, including certain motivations, and a fear of what I am like without them, but also much self-loathing and that old depression coming back. But off them, I am more consistent, more capable. And I have learned to, if not take pride in, then at least find strength in being callous. It let me get myself back on track and helped with improving my social situation. It lets me put up with the problems I still have.

I would also be much obliged at any feedback or opinions.

54 comments:

  1. A few thoughts:

    First off, getting in and out of the medication accomplishes little to nothing. It doesn't work like that. You have to stick with the treatment mid to long term.

    Secondly, if you're in a line of treatment, stick with it for at least six months. For instance, if you're in depression meds, it's natural to try one drug for two or three weeks, and then try another one if you report unsatisfying results, and so on, until you find the best med response with the best dosage.

    Another thing to consider is that your case seems to have many broken pices left around. You may either clarify further in here, get better informed yourself and/or get in touch with your doctor about this.

    But what I suspect you really wanted here is an opinion on wich of the two worlds should you choose, 'empath' or 'unempath'. If that's really your dillema, you might be digging for the already known answer. Sociopaths have no clue how it's like to live and be with certain feelings, except from a detached and conceptualized pov, so their answer lacks objectivity.

    In all likelyhood, I think you're probably missing a few key things on your analysis, but I hope these thoughts help. Good luck on your endeavor.

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  2. Soma, delicious soma, is a prop, but surging, gut-driven power that brings out the wild passion in the soul with a fierce intensity is primitive. Venture into the void, my child, and let chaos thrive in the moment.

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  3. has a grandiose sense of self worth, yet he is suicidal? pleeeeeeease..

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  4. "Recently, I managed to get myself recommended to a psychiatrist..."

    Obviously you're a self-diagnosed sociopath, OP. I, on the other hand, am the real deal. We could have had such fun with guns at school! Oh, well, maybe in the next life.

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  5. At least tell us how you got diagnosed a sociopath in the first place, no one is going to believe a word of it if you can't explain.

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  6. Are you addressing me, Anon? I got my badass badge of approval when I was diagnosed and detained at Her Majesty's pleasure.

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  7. "I actually had a breakdown and cried, completely without control or intent . . . I felt a lot of my old despair coming back, as well as regrets, impulses, the need to call certain people and talk or write something down.."

    And this is a problem?

    You need a shaman, an artistic pursuit or a year working with the Red Cross in Afghanistan. In all three cases your traits would become advantageous rather than liabilities.

    Is this an option? Are you in a institution? Careful of becoming a pawn the pharmaceutical drug lords.

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  8. a pawn" to" the pharmaceutical drug lords.

    Now, that is quite the game. Mix the desire for healing, dependency and money together. And you have quite the racket.

    Reminds me of the solution the English used for its craving tea from China. Rather than struggle to fund its tea imports, force China to buy opium grown in India. The result: A nation of addicts.

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  9. Oh, indeed, health and disease are manufactured by society but we bow to the false Gods of medicine. Medicine is beloved by the ruling elite because it makes it easy for them to retain privilege while enforcing social control. This is one of my favourite subjects, which I love to research, but I will not bang on about it ^_^

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  10. please stfu naoko health and disease are 4 real

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  11. You sound like you might be a paranoid schizophrenic, Naoko. Just sayin'.

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  12. Ratched, ready the Soma and the collar.  And nurse, wipe my...

                           brow.

    The Neurochem is yours to tamper with, but there is likely something (reasonably legal) in the world within (or without) in which stress and injury needn't keep you from taking pleasure.  Perhaps, you could experiment on your study buddies. 

    Depression is box you think yourself out of.  Beyond labels, you seem confused, repressed and alone. The solution for this quagmire is your action.

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  13. i am not a total retard i am a diseased total retard because i paid a man to say so

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  14. this blog is starting to suck some major dick.

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  15. ^It's not the only one.

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  16. Meets expectations.

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  17. the posts are fine, the comment section sucks major dick. we need ukan and misanthrope around, at this point i'd even take adam!

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  18. oberstleutnant schwantzMay 19, 2011 at 12:24 PM

    the necromancer has summoned..

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  19. step into the void, try it on. Seen what comes up, thenm do action. If you're really depressed, try the add drugs that have that speed affect. when/if they become addictive, you're in trouble. Maybe u can use them intermittantly? what do you think of that, soulmouth?

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  20. I advise you drop your psychiatrist and find a psychologist. I've been using one for a few months now, and it has helped me understand parts of me that introspection and advice from others in the spectrum just weren't hitting.

    Medicating yourself can help some parts of your life, but I look at it this way. It's our life to handle, our demons to control and let loose. Drugs will not do that. Understanding yourself will, though. It's not about conquering yourself, it's about learning about yourself, and self knowledge is self power.

    For me, the first smoke of the day does wonders, and that's about all the 'medicating' I do besides the occasional alcohol binge. I never look at those as medication though. Just things to enjoy. Life should be about enjoying yourself while you're still here.

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  21. *SNORT*

    Guess sociopathworld turned into psychosisworld.

    Is this seasonal?

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  22. Anon, I am hosting a rave party in the void this Saturday. The code name to get through the gate is soul-lips if you please.

    And I agree with Note, a wise psychologist would help you be more high functioning in the long run.

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  23. Is this article a fucking joke? Come on M.E., are you really buying all this shit. Aspie sociopaths,and now this bloke? Fucking retarded. Blow your brains out you sobbing tart.


    I am a diagnosed sociopath, but I can recall emotion. And not just the pale, logical, calculated representation of it that it seems some sociopaths seem able to affect in their minds, but the actual, vibrant and unintentional feelings. And I know this because, against probability, I've experienced them again, very recently


    What pure logical calculated version of emotion? I feel shit run through my fucking blood like its fire. When I'm angry there is no telling what will happen. I might attack someone, or I might do something worse.
    I have desires and when I desire something I get it. Fuck logic. I want what I want and I want it right fucking now. Right now I want you to take a razor blade and run it across your throat you pathetic popsicle.


    Recently, I managed to get myself recommended to a psychiatrist and analyzed as having relapsed into depression due to injury and stress


    Relapsed into depression, I thought you were a sociopath?
    I know how you are. You remove yourself from your reality because the pain in life is to great for you to handle. When you can't kick reality anymore you sink. Now you have your fucking pills to help you cope. You are weak.


    I've done my medical research and happen to know that the people who can't be treated with regular serotonin boosters (I've tried SSRIs; they didn't do a thing to me) and who show my "symptoms" over here get time-released amphetamines instead


    Ah hah. A fucking dope fiend. I have seen enough people sell themselves on being a fiend to last a life time, and your excuse is a age old classic. Self medication it's called. I call it pathetic.
    Do you really think your "Medical Research" surpasses that of your DOCTOR with a PHD in medicine. What was is it, did you google your symptoms with amphetamines to see if someone else had sold themselves on it? Don't kid yourself. You are on your way to become another junkie piece of trash that people like me make a living on.

    expected that I might not get much sleep the coming days. But not that this would be because of feelings of guilt or urgency or anxiety

    Like I said, you use 'sociopathy' and your drug habit as a escape from dealing with your emotions. You had emotions, and still do you fucking knob. That's why you were crying like a eight year old girl the other day.

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  24. Lmao, I love it.

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  25. Let me tell you a piece of advice. Die. Just die. You will not ever come out of your depressing life. I guarantee this. Everything your Dr. tells you is a scam to get more insurance money out of you. You will never be happy.
    What do you feel guilty about? Taking up space on this planet when people struggling harder than you to live can't make it? That's what you should feel guilty about.
    Honestly people like you are ridiculous. You want attention, and you want pitty. You will recieve none from me.
    When I was reading your post I felt ill. Physically ill. The weakness that's dripping from the words made me want to vomit. It disgusts me that anyone can be this powerless. Maybe if you hold your breath long enough you wont feel again.

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  26. why would you tell people that you cry on a socio website lol thats jus dumb oviously the socio will c it as a weakness...

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  27. Naoko the false gods of medicine saved your fucking life you tampon. What are you going on about? If it wasn't for modern medicine you would be over there right now dying from the common cold. Was the research that you did similiar to this depressed drug addict? I would probably guess yes.

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  28. It's possible to come out of a depressing life.

    Takes a strong person, though, no crutches, and a mind of one's own.

    If you can't face whatever fear is encapsulating you, though, you will never come out. Most people can't do this, let alone see what it is.

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  29. Anything is possible, but in a case where someone dissassociates themselves it is pretty difficult since they would rather not feel or take drugs to block their feelings. I wanted to be on the safe side and not lead this corpse into a false hope.

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  30. Envy is pain at the good fortune of others. (Aristotle, Rhetoric, Bk II, Chapter 10)

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  31. sociopaths....f*ck'em, just shoot'em....

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  32. people think sociopathy is the new bipolar, when in fact it is an extremely rare condition. Sociopaths don't like other people, end of. If you are a self diagnosed sociopath and you say you have a select few people who you wouldn't hurt then you should look for another diagnoses. you wannabes think it's cool to be stone cold and heartless in front of people when you go home and cry like a bitch.

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  33. S's feel contempt for others(very obvious for a couple of the regulars).

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  34. lmao. 1 of them's even got it written in his screen name.

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  35. I control everyone around me. That's all I understand: power. I despise the weak and use them as followers or just look down upon them. I don't have evil purposes, just self centered ones. I have almost a god-like feeling inside me. Larger than life. I think the world and its events are literally lined up for me and my destiny of greatness.
    I was a violent kid and it only got worse in my youth and adulthood. I have a long criminal history, almost all of which I eventually got out of.
    I manipulate to communicate. I get people to do what I want because I know people find it hard to say no, especially to me. I manipulate people so much that it's laced in the way I normally talk to people.
    I think the vast majority of people are fucking idiots, and the rest are not as smart as I am.
    I am happy and excited most of the time, and when I'm not happy I'm violently angry. I don't have a middle ground.
    I see everything in black and white. Which means my beliefs are the only ones that matter and your's don't matter because you are a idiot.
    I shagged your mother while your sister was watching.
    This is a good example of sociopathy. Everyone is different, but not a far flung shot over in the opposite direction.

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  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  37. Bad Ass SociopathMay 19, 2011 at 7:54 PM

    I eat nails and spit them at babies

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  38. UKan that's why we have prisons.

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  39. you feed on weakness like fresh blood to a vampire
    without posts like this or victims to dominate you would all starve

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  40. Arnold SchwarzeneggerMay 19, 2011 at 8:39 PM

    UKAN'S BACK

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  41. Arnold Schwarzenegger alsoMay 19, 2011 at 8:42 PM

    "I shagged my housekeeper while my children were watching. This is a good example of sociopathy. Everyone is different, but not a far flung shot over in the opposite direction."

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  42. Bad Ass Love ChildMay 19, 2011 at 8:48 PM

    Daddy I feel your power hungry love pulsing through my veins

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  43. UKan.....when my barrel is shoved down your throat,how u gonna talk? or when brutus's cock is rammed so far up ur ass it touches your brain? how you gonna talk then? r u sure we wont only hear some squeakin' choakin' noises?

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  44. *sighs* I love you guys.

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  45. HTML Italics! going back to school is working out well for you!

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  46. Can I squeeze in through to partake in the delightful depths of the soiree?

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  47. "I think the world and its events are literally lined up for me and my destiny of greatness."- UKan

    I have never in my life internalised anything as remotly retarded as this, with one exception The OP's.

    Is this what sociopaths and "aspies" are? You all seem to fit the bill of retarded, delusional freaks to me.

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  48. Uhm.. I swear this is a coincidence, lol... Really, it is. No, I just mention this because I've been writing about the same topic, if from a slightly different angle.

    At first, when I began reading, I thought it looked like something I would've written (overlooking that he uses the word Sociopath, which I wouldn't because my diagnosis says Psychopath and I believe there's a difference).

    When I read on, I understood this is very different from what I've experienced, though I HAVE had a strange occurrence (but nowhere near this strong).

    I wonder, Reader, you describe having had emotions earlier? I understand your interest in finding out about the reason why you react this way to Amphetamines (you might want to try our Ritalin instead. But it can make you emotional too, if you have the prerequisites, and apparently you do).

    If you've been emotionally inclined at an earlier time in your life, then you'll remain that way, potentially. That's how amphetamine can affect you, especially if you've dabbled with LSD-like substances earlier in your life.

    I'll be interested in reading Part 2.

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  49. "You all seem to fit the bill of retarded, delusional freaks to me."

    Talking about yourself, Sebadå?

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  50. @ aspie,

    Thats the spirit! Make a little game for yourself. You'll have to find another imbecile to play along though. It shoulden't be to difficult around here.

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  51. My destiny is to fling shit at great people as fast as I can.

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