Saturday, May 7, 2011

Forgetting to be self-aware

I say I'm self-aware, but really I am not, or not unusually self-aware. I'm a lot more self-aware than I used to be, but I think I am probably about average for self-awareness, which may be slightly above average for the personality disordered?

Self-awareness is a tricky thing, though. You have moments of it, you don't live in it. It's like everything else, I guess. For instance, I am not particularly aware during the day that I am wearing clothing unless I see myself in the mirror perhaps, or start experiencing discomfort because of a lack or excess of clothes. We get used to things and let them fade out of our awareness. Little things like a haircut or shaving or not shaving remind us of what the wind feels like to blow through hair or across bare skin.

There are times when I am not aware of my sociopathy, manic and oblivious periods punctuated by abrupt periods of re-acquaintance, maybe a fit of rage, a shiver-inducing temptation, or some interpersonal problem. But for the most part, I'm aware of it to the extent that I am aware of my underwear or body odor -- I notice it only when there's a problem.

That's what is so weird about writing this blog and trying to write regularly. I'm currently in a happy place, professional success, no personal drama, plenty of alone time, a daily routine of variety and stimulation that I find deeply engaging and pleasurable. At times like these, I don't really feel that much like a sociopath. In fact, before the blog I often would just forget about it completely in times like these, only to be jerked out of my blissful oblivion by some crisis or another sometimes a year or more later. I wonder if it was better to be like I was before, forgetting periodically. If I can forget, why don't I?

90 comments:

  1. Not sure if you doing this blog is cathartic but maybe it helps you be more self aware and maybe a bit more selective with your impulse control. When you had blissful/indifferent periods of forgetting you were more likely to crash into a problem somewhere? Then again, maybe you're getting old and mellowing...

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  2. "If I can forget, why don't I?"



    Because you are writing a blog about it everyday?

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  3. i can relate to what ME is saying deeply today, particularly because last week was a series of power bursts that left me anxious. i had in the past heard of the phrase 'fear of success,' but had not realized there is indeed such physical fear, i thought it was just emotional fear, deep subconscious fear, not a physically felt, panic attack type of fear.

    three days in a row as i crashed three separate individuals' malignant dominance in an organization i felt panic attacks that lasted about 2 hours after the initial arousal and happiness.

    then i took it to web md and realized that one can have a very sudden adrenaline spike in the system and that can be felt like a panic attack.

    i had heard of men getting erections as they kill other men before--not talking about naked and already sexual situations but shooting the enemy from five feet kind of situations. one such man told me that he was more disturbed about his sexual arousal than the fact that he had killed a man. My panic attacks last week were similar in the sense that while i immediately enjoyed eliminating these people I had shock waves of disturbance all over my body.

    All these men, the one shot and the others who were eliminated from a business deal, were the predators and the villains so there are no regrets in their elimination. Their elimination did not come out of self interest of a playful sociopath. There were individuals that needed to be protected from these people, and people won.

    Yet, the awareness of this sort of success is still very uncomfortable. Like ME, at times, I just want to be, just do and not be aware, not self-sort, not stop my success in the worry of others when those others should not be deserving of any worries.

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  4. aspie said...
    "If I can forget, why don't I?"



    Because you are writing a blog about it everyday?

    May 7, 2011 2:46 AM

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  5. i had not read the link to ME's 2008 post on does sociopath know he is a sociopath.

    there i saw another remark (left in 2010, see below) that sounded just like me. the biggest part that i don't fit the sociopathy is the part where there should be no conscience, pathetic lying, etc.

    I started to think that maybe the fact that I was a winner from very early on led me to become a sociopath who saw the power in not lying at all. Afterall people always provided for me, i had a very high level of soft power, and still do. But, when anyone challenges my power base i am very convinced those are evil (since i am convinced i work only for good they must be) and i crash them as soon as possible.

    i never feel sorry for those i crash but i feel very uncomfortable for doing so. i wonder if the panic attackes of last week were due to the awareness that i created potential enemies, despite the fact that I know there just is nothing they can do against my interests.

    Anonymous said...
    I don't fit the textbook description of "antisocial personality disorder". That's because there appear to be two types of sociopaths... intelligent ones and stupid ones. The stupid ones break the law (and get caught), lie (and get caught), hurt people (and get caught), and therefore have relationship problems, etc - and get the psychiatric label. Intelligent ones, on the other hand, become politicians, businessmen, etc. At least I assume they do, because not being stupid, they don't get labeled with a psychiatric disorder.

    So with my definitions, I'm an "intelligent" sociopath. I don't have problems with drugs, I don't commit crimes, I don't take pleasure in hurting people, and I don't typically have relationship problems. I do have a complete lack of empathy. But I consider that an advantage, most of the time.

    Do I know the difference between right and wrong, and do I want to be good? Sure. One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar. A peaceful and orderly world is a more comfortable world for me to live in. So do I avoid breaking the law because it's "right"? No, I avoid breaking the law because it makes sense. I suppose if I weren't gifted with the ability to make a lot of money in a profession doing what I like, I might try and profit by crime. But with my profession, I'd have to really hit the criminal jackpot to make it worth a life of crime.

    When you're bad to people, they're bad back to you. I'm no Christian, but "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" works.

    So to any other sociopaths out there reading this... don't be an idiot.
    May 31, 2010 8:28 PM

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  6. Awareness comes when the ramifications of my actions become difficult. Our differences are not overt, thus we are not different until it becomes obvious we are.



    'socio o no' write a blog. Nobody wishes to trawl through all that. I say this now because some irritating anon is bound to say the same, only with a lot more swearing and unpleasantness.

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  7. yo socio o no shut the fuck up coz nobody wants to hear ur faggot shit (:

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  8. Socio o no, congrats on the success.

    If it had gone differently it would have been an enormouse problem, I'm sure that had to cause anxiety.

    Those emotions are a warning system for me that i can use to keep safe.
    Fear talked about on here is a pleasurably feeling rather then a physical pain.
    You just had the curtain pulled back and got to feel what we feel.

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  9. "I don't have problems with drugs, I don't commit crimes, I don't take pleasure in hurting people, and I don't typically have relationship problems. I do have a complete lack of empathy."

    So you act the same as any other person but you're a sociopath because of the way you feel inside? What the fuck are you talking about? Sociopaths with self control are called narcissists.

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    1. So you act the same as any other person but you're a sociopath because of the way you feel inside?
      Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't this basically a necessity to operate with everyone else as a sociopath? I think it's called blending in? l.o.l.

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  10. The narcs aren't as callous, Misanthrope.

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  11. all these years i assumed my not wanting to hurt people had to do with my caring and empathy. it could be coming from a subconscious fear of getting caught, my mother is a chicken shit, so are all her side of the family. so, she is the type who does pathetical lying, but she fits narc more than socio.

    my dad always appeared so nice to others who were in position of power while being very demeaning towards the weak and very demanding at home. i was the only one who was not scared or abused because i was always above his expectations. can't say the same about the rest in the family, they all got abused significantly.

    mom had a very pleasant personality (in her mask) towards people, yet she has no problem saying occasionally that she does not like people. i'll be darn, i sure am raised by socio/narc combinations, and because my mom kept bitching about my dad all the time i thought i learned to care for the weak. but, i really did not.

    in some psychological tests they ask you where you'll be sitting at a table and they put different kinds of people around the table. I never sat next to a sick person in those and never would knowingly in real life.

    People who don't embrace change and learning also offend me, I feel they are as good as dead. Even the dead changes, but in a way he has no control. So, I don't want to associate with nonaware, noncurious, and change-refusing people.

    I am thinking of going after my parents, in the sense that giving them who they are in slow doses, forcing them to accept who they are. They sure fucked up my siblings (younger ones), the youngest is unaware thinking mother is the only one who cares in the family. Mother is power hungry, so started brown nosing me lately, fearing about her later years I suppose. I did tell at some point last year indeed one never knows who will be left behind to take care of them. Instilling subtle fears is the best way to control her.

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  12. misanthrope, i am only trying to understand. the quote you have is from that anon, but I also have huge self-control. are you saying there can't be a socio with very high intelligence level who could control himself or herself? that those who can control have to be narcs?

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  13. on that note, i cannot control myself when it comes to attacking people who don't fit. everyone has some areas that can be controlled, some can't, no?

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  14. Impulsiveness has nothing got to do with high intelligence or low intelligence, all psychopaths/sociopaths are extremely impulsive. So called 'high functioners' are just wannabe's.

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  15. note, do you agree with anon 6:47?

    also, i have my own impulsive sides, they just don't manifest in a self-harmful way. i cheated in the past in exams that i thought were dumb and didn't get caught. any exam that relies on having students memorize a list (other than in a memory class) is dumb. i cheated on all of those, but never cheated in those that measured understanding.

    i don't wanna be this or that, but i want to be self-aware while at times very tired of being also self-aware.

    i have no sense of loyalty left the minute i am convinced the so called friend/lover is trying to become the alpha. this also includes all those who explicitly want to be my beta (I perceive that also their way of controlling the relationship). i crash the attack and their spirit instantly or i dump them and only tell them months later when they cannot take it anymore and want to understand how come I never make time for them or cancel in the last minute.

    it is not the people, it's the activity that matters for me. people are necessary to undertake certain activities. they are so entertained around me that i have a right to assume they are dime a dozen. but as long as they remain independently spirited and fun they can stay around me. this is why so many of my friends would fit the winner/socio label. the narcs who are way below in their self-inflated worth i crash immediately.

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  16. Other's success doesn't sit well around here.

    I say go for the pay backs in small doses while you can.

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  17. You aren't even a sociopath, you muppet.

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  18. tik, what do you mean by other's success doesn't sit well around here? do you mean nobody wants to hear about what i perceive to be my success? it is hard to communicate what is in my mind without saying all thoughts that i think are relevant. i then expect to hear what is relevant or not from the others or they can ignore or attack, of course. it is like mining anywhere else, trying to seek something useful while maybe reaching out to someone like-minded. i sure appreciated reading that anon who posted in 2010. i am trying to give myself the permission to hurt, because this worry is holding me back and i am sick of seeing people who are less intelligent and less able to pursue the larger public's interest in mind. as i read folks here who are so comfortable with spelling out they don't give a hoot on the pain of others (on top they seek the pain) i am learning to accept collateral damage and eliminate the stupid panic attack that follows. all those ptsd's after war, i am sure they enjoyed eliminating the enemy but they still suffer from the panic attacks years later. before i increase the scale of undertakings i need to learn to protect myself from potential eventual ptsd.

    i agree with you in small doses. plus, my intention is not punish them but to slowly release my siblings from the mental shit they are in. they deserve better. and they can only get better out there if they can learn to deal with their parents better. i had the fortune of doing that with ease when growing up. the only true damage i see on me is my getting bored very very easily with people. no one can stand the scrutiny.

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  19. why is it that people who don't want to learn or use their brains get offended when someone brings up intelligence? is it because the feel weak in that area and it does not fit the inflated narcissistic image they have for themselves?

    intelligence, while it ties into iq at birth, is very much a result of learning and training the brain to learn.

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  20. You should teach your sibling's the skills they need, example is good but explaining is needed if they are going to become successful.

    Your really onto something, I'd like to know how it progresses so if you did start a blog I would definintly read it.

    I have alot of questions that aren't worth asking here. I'm not a socio but attract alot of difficult people in my life. Through this blog I've learned to filter the information differently so that I handle it in percise way then before.

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  21. thank you, tik. i may indeed write it all down, but i still have some figuring out to do, hence these occasional appearances in here.

    no matter what the family needs to be protected. that is my number one goal. parents are already reaching ages they may drop dead any minute. if they failed to parent us when we were young i don't want to fail parenting them as they head towards their eternal rest. plus they both have significantly mellowed out. on the phone the other day my dad explicitly asked me not to hurt him, like a blanket request out of the blue. he must have sensed that i am capable and more importantly he must have started seeing his mistakes. my youngest sibling barks like a dog at him, which would have been inconceivable in the past. he knows i don't bark out of respect but he also heard through mom that i will not let anyone bark like a dog around me and will take them down the same way if that happens. in a silly way i am announcing them that the throne belongs to me and i intend to use my power to keep them all in that behaving mode. enough of all that stupidity.

    the thing with my youngest sibling is the saddest. everyone's controlling got dumped on that one, and i see the rage there. her need to control is all obsessed on her son, my biggest worry in the family is that little son.

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  22. socio o no, you are a gem and a freedom fighter for the war on terror

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  23. Hello everybody.

    M.E.:

    "I say I'm self-aware, but really I am not, or not unusually self-aware. I'm a lot more self-aware than I used to be, but I think I am probably about average for self-awareness, which may be slightly above average for the personality disordered?"

    I don't have much time - have to log ASAP - so I'm taking the few moments to just say this...

    In my impression you're more than slightly more self-aware than the average person, personality disordered or not. I don't think there's that big of a difference in this regard between the two groups.

    As for myself, I am definitely a lot more self-aware than most, more even than some psychopathic individuals I know of who have a higher IQ than I do.

    When it comes to the other groups, Sociopaths and AsPD'ers, I'm can't be specific. But I think the same go for these as what I say about people in general.

    I wonder if there's a higher tendency towards self-awareness in psychopaths per se, than in the other two groups. I would think there possibly is, since Sociopaths and (especially) AsPD'ers are much more based in their emotional foundation than are psychopaths (since we're the ones with the flat affect, whereas the other two groups generally have the high antisocial traits, but not the emotional lacking... that is, as inborn potential abilities.

    I gotta go. Will be back to read all your articles from the past few days. ;)

    Have fun, guys!... '^L^,

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  24. that was not me, but ok to hear what that said. socio o no, adam is that little son for me. my sweet bro adam.

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  25. which one of us is the evil twin? adam will decide

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  26. Psychopaths cold read themselves like they read others, it isn't deep.

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  27. Socio o no, your alot more mature then the usual on here. A breath of fresh air with your insight.
    Some other's deserve respect too, it's not a put down I'm intriged by the look into other's motive's their just so self absorbed. Thats such a small world to live in.

    I guess your story gives a twist to nature/nuture.

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  28. :) that's right. i may be the evil sibling compared to adam, hilarious!!! bless his heart. that picture of his he posted. bad mistake, i can recognize that face anywhere.

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  29. thank you, tik. i will go run errands now, no more posts from me today, in case someone tries you know it was not me.

    i still hope to see people's opinions on what they think of me in terms of what percentage socio if any and what percent narc if any. i am taking inventory of where my strengths and weaknesses are and somehow this classification is important there.

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  30. im the sister you were separated by birth from

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  31. Ah. It seems I was wrong, 'Tik' is more than happy to indulge your ramblings. But then, indulging the rants of imbeciles is what 'tik' does best. Not that i'm saying you're an imbecile. He'll indulge anyone. He is a master of subservience.

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  32. Ahh, that's why I read your's too love.

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  33. we should all meet up and form a terrorist cell

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  34. http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/02/27/funny-pictures-cannot-be-unseen/

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  35. High levels of intelligence directly correlates to increased levels of impulsiveness and novelty seeking.

    So even if one were 'high functioning', if they were highly intelligent, they would struggle with issues of being impulsive.

    Now, change the concoction a bit and make someone low functioning AND highly intelligent, and you have an extremely volatile combination. Truly, a beautiful terror to behold.

    What strikes me odd is the fact that apparently there are unintelligent psychopaths and sociopaths. If one is emotionally stunted from a very young age/birth, would they not compensate with their cognitive and logical abilities instead? And if so, could one argue that there are in fact no unintelligent P/S types (through purely the means of a PD, and no other outside influences) just simply a chasm between general cleverness (through a predatory and exploitative nature) to clever and intelligent?

    Being self-aware is inconvenient. It remind you that you are not immune to your own scrutiny.

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  36. i'm not aware of any correlation between psychopathy and intelligence, BUT unless the whole population is screened then the evidence will always be swayed towards the unintelligent and the low functioning (they would end up caught for a crime and assessed).

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  37. I have to disagree in your assessment that psychopathic inmates are More the low functioning and unintelligent.

    You don't take two very important factors into consideration, hubris and testosterone. Testosterone increases aggression levels and decrease self control, and the hubris is self explanatory.

    Neither require either of these two important factors to play a role in one's own criminal proclivity, as we all know that without conscience nor remorse, we are going to break the law, and do so numerously whenever beneficial.

    So the only difference between you (or I for that matter) and these so called 'low functioning unintelligent felons' is that we've been fortunate enough not to be convicted of any of the felonies we've committed. I'm assuming you have, at least.

    My theory is just that, a theory, but I would like to have some discourse if possible.

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  38. Sceli when I read what you wrote I don't see a sociopath. There is too much fear. Specially with your panic attacks. I've only had one panic attack in my life. It came after a life endangering event that sent me to the ICU for a week. I remember it very vividly because it didn't make sense to me. I didn't feel bad during it at all. I would not had known about it if it wasn't for the doctor coming in and asking me how I was feeling. I smiled and said I seem to being having a bit of shortness of breath and tightness in my chest. He said you are having a panic attack. It didn't bother me at all. I functioned perfectly during it. Though it only lasted a few hours. I flirted with nurses everyone remarked how amazing I was. I kept doing everything I normally did. The only difference to me was that I had to breath deeply. I don't have fear or worry. Anger is almost always were everything is directed. Even that is fleeting. I've committed a crime every time I knew I could get away with it. I don't fear the consequences I just have no want of the repercussions. So if the chances are that I will get caught I don't do it. At least things that could get me locked away for long periods of time. I've been to prison before. Only ever on short term basis. I didn't mind it terribly. I was just bored a lot. I ended up reading a lot talking to others. I made connections in a business sense.

    Now on the subject of impulsiveness. My teenage years were by far my most impulsive. Everyone's is though. My were extremely that though. Was there nothing that popped into my head that I didn't do almost. I was happy to do it. It felt great to be caught up in the moment. Whether it was starting a random fight or stealing something that had no value. I would get others in trouble for no real reason. I didn't really have a mask yet in some regards. Around the right people I was a perfect little angel. Polite, soft spoken, thoughtful, and intelligent. Around my peers or people with no power over my life I was the devil incarnate. In fact my high school nickname was Satan. Not of my choosing at all. It spread. I would hear people refer to me as Satan as I walked down the hall but rarely to my face. I kind of liked it. I was called Satan though not for my direct deeds but for my indirect toxicity. People started to notice that I could corrupt others easily. People did things around me that they would never do other wise. It was as if my very presence corroded any moral value they had. My impulsiveness literally leaked into others.

    So sceli I highly doubt you are a socio.

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  39. is it write as many words as you can day

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  40. "High levels of intelligence directly correlates to increased levels of impulsiveness and novelty seeking"


    Notable, where did you get this from?

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  41. "Self-awareness is a tricky thing, though. You have moments of it, you don't live in it"


    I think awareness in general can be a tricky thing. Some say habit is the enemy of awareness. Living mindfully can be maddening.

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  42. There's a handful of studies you can look up aspie with probably a few handy Google searches, but if you want you can start your search here.

    tl;dr of the article: "The fact that more intelligent individuals are more likely to consume alcohol, tobacco, and psychoactive drugs tampers this universally positive view of intelligence and intelligent individuals. Intelligent people don’t always do the right thing, only the evolutionarily novel thing."

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  43. I've seen a study or 2 that suggests that novelty/thrill seeking may be associated with higher IQ but not so much with impulsivity.

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  44. Would you not agree that self-destructive behavior performed by someone who is more than intelligent enough to know better is in fact a form of impulse? To just do something because you feel like it? Caution to the wind.

    Have you spent much time with intelligent and or rich people, aspie? They're usually quite impulsive.

    We can take this ever farther, too. An intelligent person would have a better handle on understanding situations and what they can get away with, be it with persuasion, deception, influence, et cetera. Now with a track record of successfully navigating such scenarios, would it not be feasible that a person such as this would have higher levels of hubris, and by proxy care quite a bit less about consequences, thus weakening impulse control? After all, what could they get into that they couldn't get themselves out of?

    Now of course this is not a universal, as in, sure sometimes an intelligent person will not cross certain lines, but I'd be willing to posit that they would cross significantly more than your average Joe.

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  45. I have spent time with such people. I don't know if I would call the behavior I have seen impulsive.. more proactive and quick. They display a depth of thought behind what they do and it makes sense. They seem to be high energy people, able to multitask and assign tasks appropriately and with no too much apparent stress.

    Impulsivity is associated with low IQ and behaviour problems, from what I have read online.

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  47. You're right. I don't think you know.

    The beauty of intelligence is that with it you can twist nearly anything into something that makes sense, no matter how asinine it may seem on the surface. The question is, is the deceit intended for yourself, or those around you? The mind is a tricky pool to wade. Many things lurk below the seemingly tranquil surface.

    I have spent a lot of time around the wealthy (though not celebrities) and most of them achieved that through utilizing their innate intelligence, not strictly academia. With wealth and wit comes boredom at a bulk discounted rate.

    I've seen the self-destructive and impulsive behavior myself as proof enough. I wonder what circles you've traveled with, and I also wonder how much of a handicap you suffer from understanding their behavior as someone with Aspergers.

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    1. Doubt anyone still comes to this blog but what the hell.
      I believe, As you said above, deceit is intended for those around you consciously. Sub consciously you must deceive yourself, at least to successfully spin the truth, or whatever it may be. Aspie has no need to delude himself and as such suffers no "handicap" as you so call it in this context. Discrediting at the end was a bit sloppy :/

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  49. I do seem to gravitate towards damaged goods, so perhaps you're right.

    I do however feel that a constant yielding to novelty seeking would weaken someone's impulse control. That at the very least must sound reasonable.

    So we come full circle, where intelligence perhaps has little to do with High or Low functioning at all.

    I'm a rather impulsive person myself. I'm not a hardcore drug user, I don't do many to begin with, but I do drink and smoke impulsively (as opposed to addiction). However, lack of impulse control can be attributed to several psychological disorders such as ADHD, BPD, and ASPD.

    Not to mention a lifetime of mostly yielding to novelty seeking ;)

    I stand by what I say, but I guess I should rephrase it. Intelligent people are prone to novelty seeking (fact) which may in turn weaken their impulse control over time (theory).

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  50. Trying to bait me for some Saturday evening fun, Kesu? Cute.

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  51. DAMN IT! So got caught. :P

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  53. Note and Kesu, did you show a picof your eyes last night?

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  56. maybe spontaneous instead of impulsive?

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  57. i don't think you can be aware and self-aware at the same time

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  59. i was thinking awareness as of all "not you". the pure awareness you get when you're completely in the moment and not engaged in thought. like when you're meditating, or maybe hunting, or walking alone at night down a deserted lane way. self-awareness requires some degree of self-reflection doesn't it? which requires thought. in which case, the two seem mutually exclusive to me.

    but it's all really about the same thing, i guess, paying attention. is it possible then to pay attention to both the self and to the environment at the same time?

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  62. By the way Medusa, Lara Flynn Boyle Circa ~1990 was pretty damn sexy with just a touch of rouge.

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  64. The statement that sociopaths lie for no reason is untrue, pathological lying is to change your perception. Compulsive liars lie for no reason but the sociopaths pathological lies are to make you think that he or she is better than they in reality are.

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  65. I was just looking at photos of Miss Boyle yesterday. She looks disgusting and weird now.

    But yeah, she used to be really hot. Eyebrows.

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  66. kesu, i agree with you that I have had fears. but, getting rid of fears has been my life long goal. first it was the fear of flying, got rid of that completely. then came the dentist, got rid of that completely too. then it was waxing. got rid of that too. public speaking got eliminated as well. now it is collateral damage. i will eliminate that fear, that's what I am working on. when i was having the panic attacks i was also functional, actually I was able to breathe easily, it was more like my pulse was way above my normal and I did have chest pain plus a need to burp (sorry, a bit too much info). But, the whole time I was very calm and controlled and simply trying to think through how to completely stop it. Did some of the roll eyes to the top then close your eyes hypnosis relaxation, made my breathing a touch deeper and enjoyed a pleasant drink. The length of the attacks were steadily shorter. I have no such panic attack when I am under attack or threat. It is after the win that I have the above mentioned symptoms. When I lose (happened twice last year) my symptoms change to more of a fire ball, heat rising up my neck to my ears, stiffening back and sheer anger rolling all over my body. Even that I managed to ease up over time. It is important to me to eliminate all emotions around fear and anger. So you don't see a sociopath in me. Do you see a narcissist?
    (Sceli for you, socio o no for the records)

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  67. kesu, another point. i suspect that if i had the testosterone levels of a man i could have been acting very aggressive and fearless.

    how much do we know the differences between a male socio and a female socio?

    i have a female friend whom i consider clear socio because she fits the definitions amazingly well. for example, her dad would beat her up after each lie she got caught for but she would still repeat the same act even though she knew she would very likely be beat up. her tolerance to pain was amazing. i saw her cut, i saw her burned. there was no sense of pain on her face. she also had man like features, not as feminine looking as i am. she also had no problem with experimenting with sleeping with lesbians but she would not call herself lesbian plus she would not accept she did this even though I had full proof. i have no problem with people's having different sexual choices but for her to go the lengths to deny this was noteworthy.

    so, no, i don't see anything common between her and me.

    i guess my question is boiling down to how much of me is really pure soft power and how much of me is narcissistic self-inflation. after that learning to keep eliminating fears, learning to put on masks on issues that make me appear narcissistic, learn to come as an underdog and take charge as quickly as possible when the situation is ripe.

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  68. Good god, man, the whole of SW is infected by your meaningless drivel masquerading as insight. Sit down, breathe into a paper bag, go to your happy place, and shut the fuck up.

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  69. that was soulful.

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  70. Is socio o no a socio?

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  71. u funy hehe





    just sayin'

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  72. sceli, anon@7:32 is kesu. your beloved.

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  73. Ptsd after a narcissistic injury resulting in a prolonged use of psyhoactive drugs --

    Who think that is a mood disorder?

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  74. aspie, is that what happened to you?

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  75. i am sorry, aspie. do you wish you tried bibliotherapy instead? some cognitive effort?

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  76. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  77. Medusa,

    Have you considered being a SUC?

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  78. You sound a bit like me aspie. 3 times in life I was too stressed to deal with failing on some level. (things outside my control, ie: things which undermined my femiminity, pride of my self, strength of my fragile ego, and an impossible challenge I undertook, where I misjudged the difficulty of it.. ) lead my mind into hatred for myself, depression, psychosis, and one time blind rage and acting out. Therapy was only just fine; i did lots of psych drugs , but my own self was damaged. now i just float along sometimes bumping into things but not engaging, only letting things affect me negatively one day, positively the next day - borderline bullshit . when they affect me negatively,i want to withdraw, then I am empty so I want to go back in and do my best. But I do my best so I can feel full. It is about my ego and has no value. I feel my ego hasn't value. It has only to do with soothing my emptiness. this is narcissism is it not? better with things outside myself?

    I lost confidence, look for momentary crumbs of things outside myself to give me minimal, sporadic joy.

    i lost my long term goal of "happiness investing", have no life raft, I am lazy with my goals. I am empty.

    I am full with this knowledge but cannot move forward most of the time..

    i bumped into someone in the street who told me: "You lost your confidence" As i write this i am overwhelmed with awareness and sadness for myself because that is where I am today.

    i hate weakness. I am weak.

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