I have a confession to make. A sociopath was in love with me. It was the highest high I ever experienced. She abandoned all sense of common sense, but not her sociopathy. She still flirted with other men, and still longed to be the center of attention in every situation where more than two people were involved.
I found her behavior to be untrustworthy. Her flirtations aside, her need for me and her need to please me at every turn exposed her in-authenticity, making me doubt that this person would be accountable in the context of a long-term relationship. I quietly and secretly began picking up clues and further cues from her behavior. I soon realized that this person could morph herself into anything and anyone at any time. Although fantastic as an actress, or a career as a skilled negotiator, I felt with gut wrenching conviction that this person could sell me out if she fell out of love, just as easily as she could change skins to meet the needs of a conversation.
I decided to try out an experiment to see if this was so.
Words to the unwise:
Be sure you are ready to know the truth of the questions you so passionately seek answered. Sometimes trusting your gut and abandoning the need for experiments is the more sensible choice.
I'll just simply say I was correct in my assumptions - although she didn't sell me out as fast as I thought, once she did, she sold me out for concert tickets (example).
The problem lies in that I am devastated by the loss of that love she gave, and the high I received from it. I tried not to let it grow roots in me, but I was apparently unsuccessful. Her cruelty near the end, and the pain that ensues as a result, shakes the roots and trembles within me, making the absence feel even greater.
What's confusing is that now she contacts me all the time. She wants to get together and know how I'm doing and tells me she still loves me. For the most part I have turned her down each time. A few days ago, I point blank asked her:
What do you HOPE for in your contact with me. Do you want to be FRIENDS? Or are you hoping to rekindle a relationship? There is a large can of worms between us and for us to even have a friendship, that can of worms must be cleaned out and healed. Then I went on to reiterate some of the pain she caused me.
She answered that she felt attacked again. That until she doesn't feel safe, she can only think of a deep and honest friendship. I found that hilarious, since she lies so much about almost everything. Has she truly changed?
Needless to say I remain confused about this situation. She lied, she hurt, she flirted, she emotionally cheated. The problem is that she did all that once I was in love with her. When you love someone, what do you do? You grow into them, understand them and forgive them. I feel I am in a very challenging position. Feeling a bit like your brother Jim who was able to see your needs and allow himself to get beaten up so that you may get what you needed, and he could therefore have a sense of peace.
The things I wonder are:
Does she still love me?
Does she see that the things she did were wrong?
What options does this situation still hold?
If none, how can I walk away with some dignity?
Thank you for listening and for putting yourself out there. Your influence is of Christian proportions!
She sounds like she is genuinely fond of you if she still stays in contact with you. I don't know if that's what you (or she) means by "love". She probably thinks she did some things wrong, but they probably are not the same things that you think she did wrong. Maybe she wishes that she hadn't done certain things that made her attitude towards you and your relationship so explicit to you, or maybe she wished that she had indulged you more than she had, to keep you happy. Apart from these small things, though, I don't believe she will fundamentally change. Rather I think that she would take your return as evidence that you were ok with who she is and how she approaches relationships. So those are your options -- take things on her terms, or don't. I don't know what more dignity you could want apart from being the one who decides what you want most in your life and acting on that. Everyone trades good things for things they want more.