Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Eye of the Storm

Before I did something that would put me in danger I used to unfocus my eyes. Slowly I would lose myself to instinct like I gave over control of my body to someone else. Someone stronger than me. My animal self. Sharp, quick, and decisive. This is how I never hesitate to do something that must be done. I just make my eyes go blurry and at that moment I cross the point of no return.

My new enemy became stubbornness. Stubbornness to keep pushing until things got desperate. In times of desperation I would use my tool to my own destruction. I didn't hesitate any longer. I just acted. As my eyes became unfocused so did precaution. As my eyes became unfocused the lines drawn and my own principles were as blurred as my vision.

Balancing on the line between hesitation and recklessness is how I live. Walking the tight rope where darkness lies below. I can lose it all if I lean in either side, but if I stop walking the rope I'll slip. If I run across I will slip as well. So cautiously we must move inch by inch. Understanding when it's time to act and when it's time to focus. When it's time to be a animal and when it's time to be human.

Have you ever had plans almost come to fruition and had them ruined at the last moment? I have. Rather than dump the plan and go back to the drawing board I keep pressing onward. Like a captain on his ship he built with his own hands trying to bucket water out of his doomed vessel. Drowning in stubborn resolve.

Today I've made a new landmark in my personal growth. I won't succumb to desperation and stubbornness. I will succumb to adaptation.

33 comments:

  1. it generates the query. do you need to take your blinders off or put them back on?

    -plastikeyes-

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  2. Did she reject you? Is that what happened m.e.?

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  3. AnonymousE has a recent break up? Sometimes for soft hearted people anything you read or watch has to do with their melodramatic relationship in hard times.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Anonymous-
    Yep, you broke up with me last week?
    How quickly you forget.........

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  6. So do you think your fight-or-flight response behavior is novel, different from that of others you know? How do you avoid panic (recklessness or hesitation/freezing)?

    Why do you think you are unable to implement plan B when plan A stops working?

    --lurker

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  7. Lurker, he did say that he's stubborn. It's may be due to some kind of hidden insecurity. Considering his "special talents," and other magical supersociopath superpowers, I would guess it's a reluctance to admit that his plan has failed. Reality can be a bitch sometimes.

    It could be some kind of OCD-ish compulsion, but I really doubt that. Unfortunately, the post was extremely vague and campy, and M.E. doesn't respond to comments, so we'll likely never know.

    Regardless, kudos to you for conquering this, M.E. You have to start somewhere.

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  8. Peter Pan,
    Vague, yes, very vague. The reluctance to abandon the failed plan is a trait many have ascribed to sociopathic personalities. So I was wondering.

    I'm not sure I quite got the part about choosing to romanticize himself as the self-reliant but doomed hero.

    Inability to formulate alternative plans is common in people experiencing the fight-or-flight response. This is why people often formulate plan B ahead of time.

    But I wasn't sure if the issue was "couldn't think of a better alternative" or "I knew of a better alternative, but, in the heat of the moment, didn't feel like switching".

    --lurker

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  9. "Balancing on the line between hesitation and wrecklessness is how I live. Walking the tight rope where darkness lies below. I can lose it all if I lean in either side, but if I stop walking the rope I'll slip. If I run across I will slip as well. So cautiously we must move inch by inch. Understanding when it's time to act and when it's time to focus. When it's time to be a animal and when it's time to be human."

    Very well put, Author. You describe the very same risk we deal with day by day and day by day...

    It is the greatest facade of all, we walk with the vice of humanity and a cloak of peace enshrouding ourselves...always being so careful to hide every bit of our true nature.

    I often find myself thinking of this during my free time, I truely marvel the beauty of the irony. For I type this now at a University computer lab, so blatently amongst the very same people that would be so quick to despise my monstrosity...and yet, when chaos ensues amongst the empaths, we are the ones laughing on the sidelines and betting on who survives.

    We are your politicians, your loved ones, your best friends. We do not live in your world, you live in ours.

    -Friend

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  11. you're all freakin weird. First, ME is a woman. OK? Secondly, ME spelled succumb wrong. LOL.

    thirdly, we all do that thing where we delve into the darkness because we love chaos. It's a wonderful feeling not knowing what's coming up around the corner at 90mph. But knowing that, ahhh, it'll be ok. being out of control you end up dead or really really alive. It's so tempting.

    You don't have to be a sociopath to love that feeling, just be an adrenalin junkie.-aquestionmark

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  12. Who really knows if M.E. is a man or woman? I dont think you do or anyone else does for that matter.
    Besides, does it matter either way?

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  13. I think M.E. has ambiguous genitalia.

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  14. If you read her posts very carefully, she let it slip once, I almost missed it myself.

    I don't really care whether ME is a man or a woman, but the comments are always made as if ME is a man.

    what's really important is that she spelled succomb wrong.

    And the chaos thing, that too.
    -aquestionmark

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  15. Point taken.
    I do think its funny when people use words they cant even spell..
    No offense ME, I still like you. Even if you're a female..

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  16. your friendly neighborhood spidermanNovember 12, 2009 at 8:23 PM

    Point missed.
    Has it occurred to you all that there is more than one ME...

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  17. No it hasnt occurred to me. Thanks ukan. Appreciate your delightful thoughts on the issue..

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  18. Wrong suit mate. I don't assume the identities of ridiculous superheros.

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  19. These theories are hilarious. Man, women, tranny, hemaphrodite, multiple people? Maybe Peter Pan is M.E. Maybe M.E. is a sociopathic secret plan to overthrow world governments. Maybe M.E. was the JFK second shooter. Maybe nobody gives two shits.

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  20. I give three shits, thank you.

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  21. Maybe ' despracy' was also spelled wrong ( last sentence), why focus on only one misspelled word?

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  22. M.E. just seems very young. Of course a writing course is in order. If he tops that off with an education covering existentialism, ethics, psychology, self-improvement (the transcendentalists, perhaps?) and continues with writing courses, he could do really well at this gig.

    Sam Vaknin has made a niche for himself describing "malignant narcissism" from the inside. M.E. might aim to do even better.

    --lurker

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  23. Lurker, I don't think M.E. is describing fight-or-flight, or anything similar. He was pretty clear about being stubborn, which isn't a good descriptor for people who fail to form alternate plans in the heat of the moment. M.E. makes it all sound too deliberate to be fight-or-flight, anyway.

    Also, I could give a fuck if M.E. is a man or a woman. 'Til it tells us what it is, it gets slapped with the default gender: male. I'm not going to lose any sleep over getting it wrong.

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  24. The fact ME doesnt clearly come out as a man indicates he could very well be a woman. Only a woman could think hiding gender to be beneficial. But I dont care either.

    Lurker: "of course a writing course is in order':LOL!

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  25. Disney, M.E. doesn't want to be identified. A woman looking for an edge would just pretend to be a man, not hide her gender.

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  26. A writing course is always beneficial for a writer. A good instructor is a good editor/critic who can really sharpen the skills.

    --lurker

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  27. Instead of flaunting it as protection like Disney does.

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  28. When ME discusses one of his relationships, the girl involved is clearly interacting with a guy.

    He does seem to be a bit swishy though.

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  29. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

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