Monday, September 26, 2016

Aspies also wear masks?

A reader sent me this video with the comment "aspie's do it too".

"I think we're all taught how to be normal at a very young age. . . generally we're expected to act like everybody else . . . the more practiced we are, the normal we see." It's not just sociopaths, it's aspies, and actually everyone else who has been socialized to act "normal" rather than behaving naturally.


The video discusses how mask wearing is a bit of an issue because it hides the underlying issues and needs of the person.

There's also an interesting reference to mask slipping when someone is past the point of being able to pretend anymore. She also discusses the issue of hiding aggression and other potentially negative behavior.

Another interesting remark, an aspie "It's not that we're terrible people . . . or trying to hurt them or offend them in anyway," but since the aspie is trying so hard to act normally, they get exhausted/drained wearing the mask and the aggression or underlying problems build up until they finally explode.

Also making a realistic plan before social occasions for acting normally and liking to spend time alone to rest.

Sound familiar to anyone?

Also, related?


137 comments:

  1. FIRST!!!

    YEAH!!!

    ~Vegas

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  2. Great video, ME.

    Sociopathy can and should be demystified.

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  3. I think the main difference is intention. Nons really *don't * intend to hurt others. We aren't predators by nature. We just have a primal need to go with the pack even if we have been socialized to ignore the primal nature of it. We need the pack because there *are * predators. Understanding this has freed me from so many needs for social masks.

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  4. I really haven't changed much. I still take risks. The sociopath would tell me not all people are nice. I thought I understood that but I really had no idea. I always thought I could talk my way out of any situation or someone would help me or I could just run like hell. Knowing the *real* risks involved has made me less scared in many ways. Although I've realized there are some predators I have to turn around and face.

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    1. Sociopaths perceive primality - the food chain - within the human species where we typically don't. We understand status innately, but not intraspecies predation.

      I think this is a key reason they consider they are smarter than neurotypicals.

      But let's be clear: even predators know they can be someone else's prey. Your friend is saying that. **-* won't allow himself to be in a physically vulnerable position. This was quite stunning to me as I wouldn't have considered these positions particularly vulnerable myself given the social context.

      I've also seen him stake physically advantageous positions where he had full visibility of me. In one case, he selected a position in which he could see me but I had no sight of him and indeed I only saw him some 10 minutes later as I was leaving.

      This is a very foreign way of thinking for neurotypicals. Outside of competition for status - which is expected - we don't perceive nor operate on this type of 'law of the jungle.'

      It's certainly better to be aware that some amongst us do so we can be prepared. As you say, we don't need to be scared then. We deploy our natural defences, which I imagine, have become atrophied through complacency and reliance on social systems of law/ enforcement and the complete lack of social understanding of this phenomenon.

      Delete
    2. And the interesting thing is that when our social contexts crash, we are quite capable of acting like the injured or wild animals that we are.

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    3. hey north, may I ask you a question? I wonder why are you staying with this **-* (I suppose this shoud replace his name), what are your motivations? I mean if he is a sociopath and he manipulates you etc., why don't you break up like all the people, who had such a relationship, and psychologists are suggesting? I'm just curious.

      alice

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    4. Hey alice,

      Thanks for the question. Conventional wisdom failed me: I see no reason to trust the standard views over my own judgement. I like him and I stay grounded in my own reality.

      Delete
    5. hey north, thanks for the answer. are other people telling you that you should break contact? and what characteristics do you like about him... do you also play mind games or how do you manage the relationship? just tell me if I'm asking too many and too private things... I suppose you know that you don't need to answer haha (it's just that I'm kind of fascinated of you (and that's really unusual)... even if I don't know you)

      alice

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    6. Hey alice,

      No probs, I like your questions. They prompt my thinking in interesting ways.

      Are others telling me to break contact?
      One friend knows him and sometimes offers a helpful perspective. Another is really just bemused. My dad thinks he'll "cause trouble" but doesn't actively dissuade me. My psychologist (probably 18 months ago) encouraged me to consider why I was interested in him, to create that scenario out in my mind and to explore what could happen. I don’t know if he expected I actually would explore that though, lol. I haven’t told my mum. Others know, but not the full context.

      Do I play games and how do I manage the relationship?
      I don't play mind games with him because I managed to show him early on that his manipulations aren't effective. This gives him space to ask for what he wants directly and he says that makes it more exciting. I really appreciate this construct because I *must* work out what it is I want and be direct myself. It's good training for me that way.

      Managing the relationship - well, I told him up front I operate on the principles of fairness, respect and responsibility. He has also shared what's important to him and we’ve developed the practical avenues for supporting these goals. Beyond that, there are no expectations, no taking each other for granted and this adds a freshness. The level of honesty this entails is pretty outstanding (in my history, at least): when anything might happen, I find it’s actually more productive to be honest with myself; it’s better to risk everything in expressing myself than to risk peace and sanity attempting to predict the unpredictable. In other words, I have to listen to my instinct, trusting that my subconscious mind is creating the best path for me with the available information.

      When we are honest, we have a platform from which to negotiate. I try to give him choices - I think that’s a respectful way of dealing with people of any age or background because it respects their agency and their own need to predict.

      Primarily, I manage my interactions with him by respecting who he is. He is different: it’s senseless to expect neurotypical behaviours if I want to offer him the space to be who he is. Let’s face it: that’s what intrigues me.

      My sons want a pet ferret, so we’ve been researching them. These wild, curious, investigative little creatures are not cats, nor dogs! If we decide to buy one, we would have to learn how to approach it, how to relate to it. We’d have to learn what to expect and learn what is unreasonable to expect. I think there’s always an independence or a gap between yourself and an animal; a respected difference that gives the relationship a unique character. You can appreciate the animal for what it is: its interesting preferences and behaviour and so on.

      With him, there’s an independence, a difference in this same way. And I have to learn from scratch what I can expect and what is not in his nature. I have to look after myself, I must be independent. But it’s from this place I can appreciate him for who he is, I can regard a different nature within a human being without any need to force my worldview onto what I see. The space this creates for me is very appealing… To be fully myself and to appreciate something so different to myself, someone so untameable… that’s so beautiful, so pregnant with possibility. So exhilarating because the precariousness is explicit.

      I'm curious about your experiences and perspectives too! I love to hear others' narratives. I think vicarious learning is wonderful - even if I have a tendency to take in the info, then pattern match it after I've made the mistake I was warned about ;)

      Delete
    7. hey north, it's so cool that you are so open :) ... you really have a unique relationship and it's very interesting to read your stories. I'd love to share my experiences with you but well, there actually are no... at least regarding relationships...only had one so far and it was more like a purposive relationship (I gave him the admiration he was desperate for and listened (or at least pretended to do so) to his boring stories and problems (I think he was a narcissist), while I gained some precious contacts and computer skills... in the end he expected more and more and didn't accept me for who I am, so I broke up)... you said, you are both very honest in your relationship... but do you really know that he is not telling you lies? I mean he is a sociopath and one hallmark is lying etc...so actually this is his nature, isn't it?

      alice

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    8. Hi alice,

      Narcissists seem to try to force reality to match the picture in their heads. It's a fraught strategy, in my opinion, and I prefer to move away too.

      I wonder of there's something transactional in most relationships. Perhaps not always as tangential as the example you give; companionship is a benefit in itself.

      Regarding lying - I think I've pretty well covered everything in my discussion above. I don't take his behaviour personally and act in accordance with my own self. I don't know how long things will last and that's perfectly ok.

      Delete
    9. North hi. I'm the anon from above who chats with you some. I understand what you mean-companionship is a benefit in itself. But at the same time I have come to accept that sociopaths have no friends. Do you feel the same about *_**? That he is capable of truly being your friend? I feel sociopaths just use friendship as another tool and feel "contempt" towards their "friends" This is still a hard concept to understand as I value my friendships. One thing I noticed with the sociopath was that language was only used as a way to convince not as a way to connect. Have you noticed a difference in the way you and *_** communicate?

      Delete
    10. He's not capable, no. There's a big disjunct, which I noticed keenly yesterday, coming off the back of some lovely catchups with friends.

      What we've had has been of a different quality. I'm ok with that difference, but it is starting to feel limiting and mechanical, bereft, as you describe further down.

      Delete
  5. It seems the fear of hell or the separation from god is real in everyone. I think some feel by cutting out the middle man-god-one is also alleviating themselves from that fear and in a sense becoming god. But really they have cut out themselves-they have caused their own separation from self.

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    1. Well it's been a while since I've been on here, probably a few years. I'm not sure how right you are but, this sounds terribly similar to my own situation. I lost/ gave up my belief in the idea of God a few years ago. Instead, I replaced the face with Life (shit happens and you can't change it, the present is all powerful, and no matter what you do there are consequences, because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So maybe not an all powerful being but there are powers/energies at work). Eventually I realized that I am life and if A=B and B=C, I am God. I'm not talking about magical powers or omnipotence but, I can influence my surrounding, my life, and the future based on my actions. Along with that I stopped hiding my socio tendencies. Sure, the mask remains on most of the times and very few people have seen behind it, but I decided that my thoughts didn't matter as long as my actions weren't hurting others. So I openly called myself a sociopath (except in front of my immediate family), and smiled in front of others no matter what I was thinking. I became a true hypocrite, fitting into whatever group came along even though I had very little in common with them. Then I fell off the wagon, lost control, went for the thrill instead of acting logically. I became increasingly more reckless, imprudent, and got into more and more trouble. Recently I got into some real trouble, to the point where my family practically placed me under house arrest. One question they've been asking a lot lately is what my plans for my future are, and telling me to figure out who I really am because they can no longer see a self in me. To be honest that beats me... every time I look foward or into me all I see is void. Somehow I got drawn back into this website, my parents are trying to get me diagnosed woth something cause they're starting to think their might be something wrong with me psychologically, they keep talking about therapy, and counseling (and hell if I'm going to have ASPD as history of mental health on my background checks). So here I am using this as AA (Antisocial Anonymous).

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    2. Tii-

      This is also my "AA".

      I think my husband is antisocial, and this is my support group.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  6. Some people believe in god, and that's normal.
    Some people don't, that's normal.
    Some people believe in reincarnation, that's normal.
    Some don't, that's normal.

    Some people believe eating with your left hand is unclean.
    Some people who lack hands, eat with their feet.
    Some people believe sex before marriage is a sin.
    Some people believe polygamy is god's will.

    What's normal? Depends on the cultural times into which you are born. It's useful for people to agree on what constitutes civil behavior, but that's not to say that civil behavior as defined by society is normal.

    I think before we decide on defining a criterion for normal, the human race needs more 'face time' before a mirror. Until we acknowledge the totality of our light and dark sides, there will never be a clear expectation of what it means to be normal. Meanwhile, let's celebrate being human beings who are on a quest to know ourselves.

    Mr. Hyde

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  7. As for masks . . . I can't imagine the effort involved. I struggle to keep my mouth shut when I pass certain people on the street. It's exhausting not to say what I really think.

    I agree with the aspie: Hiding creates a cesspool of anger. The truth of one's lived experience cannot be suppressed without paying a heavy price.

    Mr. Hyde

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    1. Very true, Mr Hyde. We all do it to some extent, and it's liberating to establish our own niche within a social group where we can gradually become more free to express ourselves as we are.

      Pure self-expression is a gift.

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    2. To be honest there's really not much effort involved. It practically comes on and off automatically. It's off when you're alone or behind a wall (online anonymously for example) and know you don't need to hide, comes on when you go out in public like any other clothing article. The lack of since of self makes it easier than for most people, because it's just as much hiding who you really are as it is creating an appearance to fill in the hole. I've let many people know I'm a sociopath and warn them that I don't particularly feel close to any of them, I've talked to them about how I've treated other people in the passed, and tell them if I get the urge I might do the same to them. Some don't take me seriously, some think I'm changed or wouldn't do that because of the side they've met. I feel like I've started doing that mostly for myself, I warned you, you stayed, I can't be blamed later on. Anyways, me telling them what I am, and me telling them who I am are totally different. I can't tell you who I am, because my personality changes too often, depending on the circle I am in, and whether or not I like you (probably more like fond of you than like, like implies emotions). Careful when distinguishing, knowing someone is has ASPD, doesn't mean you know who they are. I'm not even sure you can call it a mask sometimes, it's almost more like shifting faces.

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    3. Tii and the rest of your shifting faces/shapeshifting cohort on this site -

      Not ASPD or even Asperger's. People with ASPD or Asperger's don't do what you've reported and shown for some time. It is a different process. Honestly, it really sounds like you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You are describing it clearly.

      http://emotionallysensitive.com/shapeshifting-chameleons-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

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    4. Well stated, mate! I agree with Anon about Tii & Cohort. It even sounds like Tii's comment stemmed from some sort of emotional incident, such as anger. I have known this from the onset; it was a quick realisation. Borderline Personality Disorder is at the centre of all shown notions and behaviours.

      Shifting faces, shapeshifting, chameleon...

      https://sjmyles79.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-chameleon-effect/

      Cheers!

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    5. Adam September 29, 2016 at 3:12 PM

      How do you all curb your anger?

      Demystified: https://www.verywell.com/understanding-borderline-anger-425480

      Good luck.

      Delete
    6. Thanks Anons,
      I've checked out the links and browsed around the first site. I can see where the two get entangled, but to be honest the only thing I've found in common with me and the testimonials or articles is the lack of sense of self, and some mentions of manipulation. But I've found three main differences between me and what they described. 1-Emotional rollercoaster, 2- Abandonment issues, 3- Guilt. I'm not a very emotional person, things and situations don't really phase me, to be honest I get called robot, cold hearted, and heartless asshole 85% of the time (starting to see this pattern in my younger sister too), except when I'm on LSD (which I've become too fond of because of the feelings triggered when tripping, I didn't think humans were capable of feeling that much). I've always like being alone. One of my parents biggest issue with me was my lack of wanting company, to be honest I can't imagine what having abandonment issues would be like, I've never really felt close or emotionally attached to anyone (though others seem to gravitate towards me, in which case I faceshift and pretend to care also). I don't think I've ever really felt guilt, except once. My last time feeling sorry for something I said I was probably 3, my mom fell off her bike in front of me and into a little bit of mud, I laughed and told her it was good for her, she gave me this look of being hurt from what I said (she may have been playing, I don't know, I must have been to young to tell or remember properly anyways) I chased around her desperate to make amends, and that was the last and probably only time I felt remorse.

      Now to elaborate on what I meant by face shifting, it's probably not so much faking a whole entire personality as I've made it seem, as it is faking the emotions that come with them. I've always preferred being alone, as I've often put it, I enjoy my boredom and solo time. Sometimes I'll go off to be alone, and others will follow along thinking I need a talk or I'm feeling down (Goddamn you don't understand how annoying that gets). I'll usually give hints of wanting to be alone, some will pick up on it but, usually it ends up being me bluntly asking gor my fucking space. Not to get me wrong, I do enjoy the company of some people who share my likes (weed,lsd,shrooms,parkour,mma,deep convos), but in no way do I feel emotionally attached. Hit me up with some feedbacks I'd like to see what you think.

      PS. I do believe (had a hunch but, with the links they've been reinforced) thzt my mother, my aunt, and her son suffer from BPD, all three of them are also diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

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    7. Anon,
      Your post disappeared but, I did have time to check the link out. I guess you may be right. Though I'm not sure about the extent in which I feel depersonalized, or whether or not that would be the word I'd use. But I do see a lot more similarities with myself from this article than with the other ones, side from the rememering the past, boredom (I do enjoy spending time alone sitting back not doing shit for hours), and loneliness/sadness. I've yet to have an emotional outburst, though I suppose if that is my case it could be around the next corner. I've always had a thing for fire and the sensation of burning though [I'm not sure if I'd call that self mutilation, or weird fetish/body modification (I make designs, and patterns)]. It's not really to hurt myself and take the other pains away. I have a strong resistance to being burned, and enjoy it to some extent (my friend once turned of a cigarette on me trying to provoke me, I didn't mind much. I did turn mine off on him too though, who the fuck does he think he is) As for substance abuse, I wouldn't count cannabis, psychedelics on the other hand I have overused I admit, I find that it's mostly due to a fascination with all those feelings (the visuals too, but mostly feelings and the introspection) which I'm not sure would add up with suppressing my feelings. I am interested in learning more about BPD if you have more relevant articles, searching the web when you're not too sure what you are looking for can be a hassle especially when many sites have misconceptions on the PDs. In any case if my parents do send me to a shrink as they've threatened (guess to them it's more like helping me but...) and things start heading towards ASPD, I'll switch things around to BPD, looks alot better on paper, especially with all the bad conotation that comes with ASPD.

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    8. I don't have bpd, ass wipe. I have no disorders. My problem is I'm too normal surrounded by abnormal cretins who are jealous of my godliness and majesty.

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    9. If I had to describe myself as anything it would be a legendary pimp because that's what I am. I'm writing my autobiography as we speak called 'diary of a legendary pimp' some great stories in there for the youngins

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    10. Funny you should say, I actually did start a story based on my experiences this past year (Skins type stuff, but more), would make a great young adult/teenage drama flick. Though I wouldn't call the people around me cretins, I do feel intellectually superior, dith an advantage due to my lack of attachment/affection. People tend to ne unbelievably whiny and needy. I've seen so many people put themselves in so much drama, and nearly ruin their social circles (with a bit of my help) because of their emotions. People, especially around my age, let their emotions dictate their actions way too much.

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    11. Adam,
      If you had any disorder I wouldn't think ASPD or BPD, with that type of god complex, if we're putting labels I would have guessed NPD.

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    12. "If I had to describe myself as anything it would be a legendary pimp because that's what I am. I'm writing my autobiography as we speak called 'diary of a legendary pimp' some great stories in there for the youngins"

      "Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth."
      You are naught but a one-trunk-inheriting slave, "one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition." W.S.

      Or, you can have your legendary pimp illusions. Easier.

      Go ahead, continue slaving over your "diary of a legendary pimp." Listen to him! A pimp no less! LAUGHS.

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    13. Tii,

      Thanks for your thoughtful reply regarding masks. That did not occur to me.

      May I ask you a question to clarify one thing?

      You mention that because there's a void in your personality, it's effortless to shapeshift. Yet here, on this site, you don't come across as being empty, quite the opposite. What I mean is that you sound 'full' of your own unique personality. Can you explain to me exactly what this void constitutes? Are you saying that you feel there's nothing underneath your surface personality, no core self that feels grounded and stable in your essence?

      Mr. Hyde

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    14. "I don't have bpd, ass wipe. I have no disorders. My problem is I'm too normal surrounded by abnormal cretins who are jealous of my godliness and majesty."

      "More of your conversation would infect my brain." W.S.

      Good luck with that!

      Delete
    15. Mr. Hyde,

      It's hard to put into words. Instead of putting it as nothing under the surface, or coreless, I'd put it as a base self surrounded by nothing. Almost like being fully blind. You yourself are there but no matter where you look it's comeplete darkness. So you're not exactly empty, just with no real interests. Nothing you want to reach towards. I feel like I have no need (except of course the basics to sustain life), and my wants are all based on pleasure, momentary in this minute pleasure (rarely long term). Ambitions yes, I can tell you how I'd like to be, but I have no answer if you ask what I want to be. I don't know if it makes much sense, as I've said it's hard to put into words. My intricate planning are usually problem solving (or causing), but I have no plans for the future. As far as I'm concerned I'll just make money to live easily, what I'll be doing for that I don't really care.

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    16. Tii-

      "As far as I'm concerned I'll just make money to live easily, what I'll be doing for that I don't really care."

      What do you envision, when you think of "living easily"???

      I'm always curious, as to peoples' definition of that subject.:)

      No need to answer, if you do not wish to...

      ~Vegas

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    17. Vegas,

      I've never cared much for material goods. To be honest I've always envisioned my living in a modern styled loghouse or treehouse (doesnt have to be exaggerately fancy or gigantic like the ones usually advertised... but I have a thing for modern architecture). I'm mostly vegetarian, thinking of going vegan so eating from my own garden would be perfect for me. I'd stay mostly isolated in the woods... a couple miles away from a town or city. If I need to head down it wouldn't be too far, but the area wouldn't be crowded with neighbors. What I mean by enough money to live easily would be enough money to live freely, and if I ever decided to have a family, wouldn't have to worry about putting food on their plates, clothes on their back, or sending them to school/university. Somehow I'm sure I'll be well off but, there isn't much I want.

      Delete
    18. Tii-

      I love your vision.:)

      I love the smell of woods, and strong "earthy" smells-one of my favorites, is Sandalwood.:)

      Loghouses are cool, and I agree-they don't need to be too fancy or gigantic.

      I also love modern architecture, and although I do eat meat, I am mostly vegetarian.:)

      I think it would be cool to have my own garden, too!!!

      Do you think, you could really go Vegan???

      I think it is a good idea, not to be too far away from a town or city, but understand what you mean, about not wanting to be "crowded by neighbors".:)

      We have a lot in common.:)

      ~Vegas

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    19. Tii-

      PS-I know you will "realize your vision".:)

      ~Vegas

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    20. Vegas,
      Yah, I guess we do have a lot in common. Most people don't really aim for a simpler life style. As for going vegan, yes I do think I could, I have in the past for about a year but, lost way too much weight (wasn't keeping a proper diet... just substracted everythibg vegans didn't eat), and went back to omnivore, gained the weight I lost, and then went vegetarian. Meat is delicious especially if you know how to cook, but once you give it up, there are many things you can replace it with, same goes for dairy products

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    21. Tii-

      I tend to be different than most people.:) One of the reasons my husband says he likes me, is because I am "different".:)

      I don't think it would be difficult to give up meat entirely, as I eat it so rarely. It would be more difficult to give up fish-I just had some delicious "Blackened Salmon" last night, but I could do it.:) I think giving up dairy would be the most difficult for me...

      Are you a good cook???

      ~Vegas

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    22. I just smelled some of my Patchouli essential oil-I love the smell of Patchouli, too.:)

      ~Vegas

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    23. Vegas,

      I like to think I'm a pretty good cook. I make a pretty neat steak, tilapia, salmon. My pastas, and eggs (any kind) are pretty on point, though I can't cook rice for my life (always end up like porridge. But people usually seem a bit more than contempt with my cooking. Ooh... I make awesome crepes too, though I don't know if that counts as cooking.

      I like the smell of most pine trees, mango trees, and swert olive trees. Idk reminds me of big open spaces.

      Delete
    24. Hi Tii-

      Hey-that rhymes.:)

      It sounds like you are a REALLY GOOD COOK!!! That's quite an extensive cooking repertoire.:)

      I wonder if we are fraternal twins, and don't know it-I have a funny "I tried to make rice, and it turned out like mashed potatoes" story, too!!! HA!!! LOL!!!

      Mmmm...crepes!!! I LOVE CREPES!!! Blueberry crepes are THE BEST!!! That counts as cooking!!!

      Trees smell good, and I think mangos and olives taste good.:)

      ~Vegas

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    25. Vegas,

      I see what you did there... but nah it's pronounced Tee.

      Fraternal twins... probably could be. I'm so unlike everyone else in my family it would probably make sense lol. I'm like both the black shit and the prodigal son (especially when you think that most of my kin are more emotionally sensitive than most people I know).

      Funny you should say, I've hated olives most of my life and only recently developed a taste for them.

      Crepes are awesome. I can't stand people making salty crepes, so I have this little trick of adding chocolate in the batter to make it sweet from the get go (my dad's and a few of my friends are always trying to turn them into pizzas and sandwiches... waste of a crepe), delicious.

      Delete
    26. Hey Tii-

      Oops!!! Sorry for the mispronunciation of your name.:( I knew it could go either way, and thought about asking but decided to take a guess, and I was wrong.:( My bad!!!

      I like your crepe "trick".:)

      ~Vegas

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    27. Hey Tii-

      I am still thinking about your crepes.:)

      I think your idea of having a log cabin and your own garden, is a very good one. I think it's smart to have your own food supply, whenever possible.:)

      ~Vegas

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    28. Tii-

      PS-You and my husband have a lot in common, too.:)

      He is also the "Black Sheep/Prodigal Son" in his family, and he is also a good cook.:) It's one of the ways, he "won" me.:)

      I saw in another one of your posts, that you are writing a book.:) Are you writing your 1st book, or have you written a book(s) before? Just curious...

      ~Vegas

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    29. Vegas,

      As you say, having your own food supply is the best thing you can do. There's a lot of talk about world hunger and what not, and in many of those areas the soil is as fertile as can be. Planting a couple of trees and plants could solve that problem quickly, but we'd rather hand people the fish than teach them to fish.

      I've yet to write a book, mostly because I find it hard to find content. Sometimes the basics, and the plots are awesome but can only fill up a couple of pages. I mostly write short stories and poems, sometimes a few songs for friends if they bring the melody or the beat. (I broke the screen on my last phone which had most of my poems DX )

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    30. Hey Tii-

      "we'd rather hand people the fish than teach them to fish"

      So true, unfortunately.:(

      Speaking of which-do you fish???

      ~Vegas

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    31. Tii-

      PS-Have you ever had "Thai Fresh Rolls", or "Fried Green Tomatoes"???

      Just curious.:)

      ~Vegas

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    32. Tii-

      PPS-Do you have a garden now, and if so, what do you grow in it??? If not, what would you grow in it, if/when you do have one???

      ~Vegas

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    33. Vegas,
      I've had a few Thai rolls... can't remember which ones though (I think Spring Rolls was one), and I've had fried tomato's which weren't green lol.
      I've never really fished. My closest encounters to fishing was hanging around on a boat with a group of friends, some of which were fishing... I cast one and got tired of waiting so passed it to someone else. My second encounter was at a pier, I saw a fishing rod already cast with no one around. The line was wiggling so I took it upon my self to pull it back up. I retracted the line and once it was almost out of the water I yanked it out... Fish went over my head, unhooked, and flew to the other side of the pier back into the water... Never been a fishing kinda guy.
      As for a garden, yep! Actually just built two raised vegetable garden bed in my yard last week but, there's a hurricane hovering around florida (went through last week and is supposed to be boomeranging back for round two), so we've yet to plant anything. We're thinking tomatoes, jalepenos, bells peppers, and cuccumbers as of now.

      Delete
  8. Parnasse,

    Thankyou for your kind comments on the previous post. I let it sit in my mind for a while, and very much enjoyed the music.

    The gift of my experience- for better or worse - is ownership of my personal experience. My feelings imply no obligation on another, and no expectation. Rather, they richly inform me.

    A new development, I can't foresee the outcomes. In part, I feel it is healthy and gives me the capacity for resilience. The help I ask of and offer others is of practical nature rather than emotionally supportive (although I do empathise.)

    In part, it changes forever the types of relationship I'm capable of. And I don't know what that means yet. i don't think I can give my heart away, even if I do fall in love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. North,

      "i don't think I can give my heart away, even if I do fall in love."

      versus

      “The good news is that although I developed feelings for him, I didn't give him my heart this time."

      This time.

      Delete
    2. North hi. I'm the anon that chats with you from time to time. :-) I believe the problem of having dealings with a sociopath are incredibly complex and also ridiculously simple. The constant that always remains is the underlying drive to generate pain. This is remarkable I believe even to the sociopath. It cannot be explained yet it cannot be dismissed.

      Delete
    3. This is a bit off topic but something that seems odd to me. Sociopaths seem to be robotic at their core. Metal scraping against metal. Computers. Why do computers have such contempt? This is something that seemed off to me in the matrix. Its as if the next step from computer to man is ego. A really nasty one at that.

      Delete
    4. Anon, I think it's a proxy mechanism to ensure a strong social position. It's not the best mechanism as it's a self-limiting strategy. But in lieu of feelings and connection which provide navigational info/feedback, it's good enough. it helps them predict, it helps them create an environment they can control, and this gives them a kind of safety.

      That's my conjecture.

      Delete
    5. Parnasse,

      Yes, many lessons learned and many to follow!! "Blessing is in excess... Always ask for more of everything that comes before you" ~ Shams of Tabriz

      I hold an ever-bolder vision and though the journey is slow, I am more deeply integrating my beliefs, feelings, thoughts and actions. I am a seeker, as many here are.

      Delete
    6. Anon,

      Try reading this short story entitled "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream"
      https://web.archive.org/web/20100531195535/http://pub.psi.cc/ihnmaims.txt

      Wikipedia link:
      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Have_No_Mouth,_and_I_Must_Scream

      It's about a sentient supercomputer named AM who spends its days tormenting the last surviving humans who live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

      AM's "body" consists of endless racks of immobile hardware in underground cave systems. With the war completed, AM no longer has any purpose but is forever trapped underground, effectively immortal and unable to self-terminate. It harbors an unfathomable hatred towards humanity and has devoted its existence to torturing them in creative ways, while preventing them from dying.

      I think it is kind of like this for sociopaths, since they are so different from the rest of humanity, they cannot help but feel contempt for normal people who are somehow able to find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in an existence that they realize is completely pointless, and from which they themselves derive no satisfaction. This is why sociopaths are always bored, and often drown themselves in impulsive pursuits that they know are just as empty as anything else.

      If you lived in such a boring, pointless world, free from the shackles of societal norms or morality, wouldn't you be a bit angered at those who willingly wear those shackles and can somehow thrive?

      That's my take on it.

      -Nobody

      Delete
    7. Thank you for the story suggestion. It was chilling yet ingenious and helps me to understand things a bit more. although Its very hard to understand why sociopaths seem to relate more to machines than fellow humans. Its strange to be so alike someone yet so different.

      Delete
    8. Hi Anon,

      You wrote: The constant that always remains is the underlying drive to generate pain.

      I thought about this a little more. I don't think they are necessarily always trying to generate pain. I do believe, though, that it's something like an experiment for them, an irresistible impulse, possibly for the reason I suggested above.

      Alan Watts talks about children experimenting with pain, and I think it might be something like that, only the pain is in other people:

      But you know, when one has something that hurts, there’s a subtle temptation to keep worrying it. Like if you had a filling out of a tooth, your tongue plays with the empty hole. And children will experiment with pain in this way, it’s like a dare, children are always playing the game of daring each other to do something forbidden. Because the risk of disapproval involved, the calamity that may follow from it, it makes it so exciting.

      And why on Earth do people challenge disaster the way they do? Doing all these sorts of wildly adventurous things? Because obviously that gives a taste of quality to a vibration that is extremely interesting. Why the craving for speed? And it’s only if you look real closely at a vibration that you can see this point.


      It's worth listening to Watts in this little video [7mins] It just so happens he also hypothesises about mechanical people, undifferentiated for the rest of us... and how that contrast gives value to the organic.

      They don't have emotions as we do and cannot comprehend our emotional experience. Even when he did take aim at my feelings the other week, it was a fishing expedition... there was no content, no meat there. He was throwing out words he had heard because he was angry at me and he thought they'd be effective. It doesn't do to take it too personally. The way any individual engages with the world says everything about who they are and very little about anyone else.

      Delete
    9. North I think back to things they said. Fears they had. And I think if they really feared this they wouldn't dare to say it aloud. I just feel like some things are so horrible I can't even process them. I understand what you are saying and I want to believe it.

      Delete
    10. I'm so sorry, Anon, for what has happened to you. I wish I could hug you. You will find a way through the confusion. Just keep going, keep making decisions.

      I was lucky. In the early days, I found a young psychopath on INTJF who was also processing his own relationship breakup. He was very frank with me. I remember him saying "I don't think you realise how very strategic the manipulation is." But we also discovered overlapping goals and fears and disappointments.

      I don't think they are as superhuman as they want us to believe. It might be taboo to say that here. But a super personality has no need to do these things. There are other reasons. We are all trying to weave our way through a complex, social existence. That's perhaps my simplistic narrative to make sense of it.

      Delete
    11. North thank you. I think we might refer to them as super human because that implies some type of humanity. That alternative is too completely strange. I feel like I move forward and then backwards and in such a backwards place aye its all the same direction. I guess the most important thing is to keep going.

      Delete
    12. North I was reading some other things you've written. I believe some of the stranger requests are about shifting power away from the sociopath. In a weird way it seems to me this almost like falling in love to a sociopath. Or maybe the closest they can come. Allowing themselves to fall.

      Delete
    13. Holy fuck, Anon! Are you saying there's a way in which their games and fantasies are representative of their real desires, manifesting in a way they have control over?

      I didn't understand what you were saying at first, but... it does fit the puzzle. Oh dear. Oh dear.

      Psychopaths / sociopaths - please comment as well!

      Delete
    14. I could expand on this based on some thoughts I had re your 9:32 post... but they are fledgling thoughts and perhaps not fair to share yet. I might flight these speculations on my own blog later.

      Delete
    15. This may seem unrelated... I have a photo of him which was taken at a work event. There's a series, actually, of five snaps. In the first two, he's talking to another senior consultant. In the other three, he's staring intensely at this same fellow. That smouldering intensity of the psychopath.

      We were chatting work on Saturday and he mentioned this same fellow. Described in detail why this man thoroughly impressed him.

      He couldn't possibly know I have kept one of those staring photos as beautifully capturing his essence. Neither could I know that beneath that stare was genuine admiration for a man well-deserving of it.

      I think he was trying to show me he wasn't evil, that he wasn't a cunt as I had written in an email I didn't expect him to read... but he had read them all.

      There are definitely mysteries here I doubt they understand themselves. He said more than once he doesn't know why he does the things he does.

      Delete
    16. He asked me to drop him off at a crossing the other week. He crossed in front of me, extending his hand and imploring me with a charming smile not to run him over. He wasn't joking. And we'd just had sex! This is a very primal world he lives in.

      Delete
    17. North it makes sense to me. Sociopaths higher chakras are blocked so everything radiates from lower ones. Everything is primal. Not intellectual. It doesn't seem as much about the fetish of something taboo as much as the experience of being out of control. Which As you know is rare indeed for a sociopath.

      Delete
    18. hey anon, I don't think everything is primal for sociopaths respectively everything is primal for all humans. I mean nearly every human is motivated by sex or pleasure and by forming a family hence reproduction and of course by sustaining life. to get all this you need a job and food and ideally a house etc... so I think if you break things down, all this serves a primitive purpose. I also think that seeking power is something natural. for instance in the past, the people where hunting etc. then they started to farm hence they had more power over their food. the more power you have, your environment gets more predictable and you have a more secure life... well of course all this depends on how you define primal and intellectual etc and I also could be wrong (I didn't research this topic)

      alice

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    19. Anon: my head is spinning with this. If it's true, it means some things he said were true, things I didn't understand at all at the time. They make sense.

      I sure as hell am not making sense of anything today. This is too big a puzzle piece; the emerging picture is not yet comprehensible. I can't explain this.. I am sure his body doesn't lie, though. And he lies less than I imagined.

      alice: yes, I want to find these underlying primitive corollaries. This is the way to make sense of psychopathy within the human species. There are too many similarities at this level to deny... and it allows us to see psychopaths as fully human, offer them full respect for who they are, to see their behaviours as valid within their own mode.

      I was so happy to read Oliver Sacks talking of the different modes humanity operates with; any different neural configuration eg through illness or whatever, entails a new human experience, a different experience of self, a different mode of engagement with the world.

      To me, this is the most rational, useful, and human way of understanding the differences between neuro-types. This is my most profound achievement, making space for this. But I was compelled to it: because I came to acceptance of myself by realising I had as much right to exist as any other organism, any other feature of the universe.

      [Yes, that's the utterly strange way I can to my own self-hood.]

      So by definition, I had to extend that right to the psychopath (in my mind, of course!!, not as though I had authority to do so, lol). But I think it changes everything, because it starts from the premise of equality. This means I don't try to squeeze psychopaths into a moral norm - I try to see them for who they are and accept the data of their experience.

      It also means I am not spellbound by their own claims of superiority. I see that as a useful function of their own psychology and not an externally valid reality.

      As alice pointed out, we all have our own illusions - and often these illusions are supremely useful. There are many arguments that the self is an evolutionarily useful illusion, for example.

      Delete
    20. Alice hi. I absolutely agree all humans are primal. I meant,,in my opinion, expressions of "love" are expressed in a purely primal way as sociopaths don't intellectually process love the same as a non. That is not meant to take anything away from the "realness" a sociopath may experience.

      Delete
    21. North hello. I do believe sociopaths long for that "something" they see in us. Does that make them fully human? I don't think I can answer that. I believe they try to sneak things past the very mechanisms they have in place. The ones that make them seem so completely inhuman. Can a man serve two masters? I feel they get caught in their own loopholes and this only brings about contempt. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say here. I watched a clip of Alan watts -I couldn't get the one you posted to play so I found a random one. I really dig him and his sweater coat by the way. ;-) he was talking about how everything in nature is wiggly and it's funny because that is how I feel. There is no straight line.

      Delete
    22. Hmmm I guess what Im getting at is there is anger at not getting what they want. And then when we give it to them there is contempt because they can't hold onto it-and we can. That is where we can't break thru I'm afraid. Being out of control means being vulnerable. Some equate that with love. But being physically out of control and intellectually out of control are two different things. I guess?

      Delete
    23. Anon 6:54,

      I think you're up to something here. Though I don't know if I agree 100%. Though I've never been diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I have sociopathic tendencies. More than a few people have mentioned it (especially in this past year), and to be honest I started seeing patterns in myself when I was younger (never came to mind until a girl I had been playing, yes I was worse and almost enjoyed torturing people emotionally as a kid, called me sociopath and told me I should get myself checked out. Before that my parents would tell me that I have a "bad habit" of twisting peoples words, master at lying and hiding my intentions, and that I should start caring about people and my actions instead of using "I don't like people" as an excuse, amongst other comments). To be honest I always thought people were weak for hanging on to their emotions even when it was obvious that it put them at a disadvantage, and I couldn't imagine what they found so pleasing about that, or why they couldn't betray there emotions when they needed to (whether it was obviously displaying it on their faces or acting upon them). Then one day while tripping with my cousin (a couple tabs of lsd) he mentioned to me how two of his friends, who had been best friends, had broken up because one couldn't stand seeing the other cry because of her boyfriend all the time and still stay with him even though he was an asshole. He said he found it stupid that they should fight over something like that, and I totally out of character answered something along the lines of "I understand where she's coming from though, it must be hard seeing someone you love coming and crying to you all the time, while not wanting to take actions which would help them, she probably got tired of getting hurt too". My cousin astounished immediately answered "Wow! What was that? Since when do you care about others or feel empathy?" His answer got me thinking about what I was feeling, and it almost brought tears to my eyes (it would have been my first time crying since I don't know when). After coming down from the trip, I tried analyzing the scenario he had presented and my own words again, sure they made sense but, I could no longer say I got where she was coming from (and hell like I could feel it). My new answer was I would have dealt with her boyfriend myself.

      Delete
    24. After that day lsd became my drug of preference, and I constantly (at least once a week) tried to trip and experience those feelings again (I've experienced much more than that, I have this friend whom every time I tripped would come to mind and I was almost definite I had fallen for her, but it was only when I tripped). During our multiple trips, everytime I'd feel something worth anything I'd describe it and ask my cousin if he ever felt that way, and most of the time he would answer with the name of an emotion. One thing he says I always repeat when tripping is "Do you guys feel things like this all the time?" (I confided in him that I believe myself to be a sociopath, at first he thought I it was absurd cause I was murdering people, but after researching the topic a bit came to the same conclusion). All in all, maybe there is something in empaths that sociopaths look/long for, maybe certain emotions which help most people connect with others. I've always know how people felt based on body language, and understood how to make them feel a certain way but, could never say I understand how they felt. Acid seems to have open up my mind to a certain level, and though I still can't say it's cured me of my sociopathy, I do respect peoples emotions more since then (still not saying they aren't stupid for knowingly walking into pain and still not act against their emotions though).

      I don't know if it makes any sense to you guys, and line I said I've never been diagnosed so I don't know if this is worth anything. But maybe thrill and excitement is what people with ASPD seek for when they act out recklessly. I remember getting attacked once at a gas station by some guy who seemed to have withdrawal symptoms when I was about 16 (was scratching himself and seemed pissed at the world. My cousin, same one I mentioned, wanted to detour around him bit I walked up to him told him to stop acting like a fool and scaring people, he cursed me out, and I served him back double. He got pissed and attacked), it was much of a fight I took a couple punches to the face before I managed to kick him down before his friends threw him into a car at the sound of police sirens. My heart never beat so much from excitement (even when in jail the nurse thought I was regular cause my blood pressure was perfect and my heart rate was 52). I still have yet to find something to make it beat like that again, except the drop of fear on lsd.

      Delete
    25. As for getting whzt they want, I think it's more a matter of making you give it to them, and the anger probably more from the frustration to having to admit (to themselves mostly) they don't have complete control over the situation. Actually getting what the want probably provides with as much contempt as getting a drink of water when you're thirsty. Getting what I wanted materially, never gave me much joy. For Christmas and birthdays I usually had to fake my excitement out of politeness. As I grew up I cut it down to thanks.

      Delete
    26. Thanks Anon and thanks Tii, that's very interesting.

      Anon: Your loopholes comment has something to it, I think. Perhaps the pattern is the more deeply they want something, the tighter they lock down the controls - I think once they are on this slope, there's no coming off it. As Tii says, probably even in the act of locking down, they know it's slipping away... and when I negotiate, try to see his side, somehow that makes it much worse for him, it makes him increasingly angry.

      It's frustrating but not hurting me because that's his deal, if that makes sense. The confusion from my side has disappeared... which makes it easier for me to pull back. Time is the only possible salve.

      Tii, I think a lot of hanging on through the pain is a drive to solve the why? question. It's an extremely powerful driver in the human mind and our brains use emotion to compel us into finding answers. Answers help us learn to predict the world better and that's why the mechanism is very successful across so many domains of species activity.

      Dealing with sociopaths is one area they don't work well in because the sociopath masks his intentions so as to have control. Nobody else does this so innately and it fucks with our predictive mechanisms, creating a strong dissonance which we are compelled to resolve.

      The trap is that we stay in our own paradigm to resolve the questions- we actually do our very best, pull out all our resources! Meanwhile, the sociopath is wrapped deeper and deeper in his own paradigm, which is control. He needs control in order to predict. This means his problem-solving strategy is to exert more control.

      On one side, we have a drive to negotiate; on the side, a drive to control. No one is speaking the same language and things fall apart. The neurotypical is wondering, painfully, deeply questioning why their best efforts were of no avail.

      Common ground cannot be reached using our respective native strategies. The question is: what could work?

      Delete
    27. Also Tii, fascinating stuff re LSD. M.E. Wrote some posts on neurofeedback you might want to check out. She was able to temporarily experience empathy.

      I sent your original comment on the topic to a friend who was interested to understand whether our growing knowledge of neuroplasticity might have benefits for sociopaths.

      Delete
    28. I have a sense that he thinks negotiation - even fully considering his needs - would put him at severe risk because he'd have to reveal his position. I'm genuinely surprised at how much he has already revealed.

      Delete
    29. Anon - You really are onto something.

      I was exploring some of the implications of this as they came to me by sending him texts. He's blocked me - this was simply me spitballing my lovely, warm NT feelings into the void.

      Only not. Somehow he has a setup whereby he receives my texts but not my calls and I had no idea. I've been doing this for two years!

      ALL OF A SUDDEN he CAPS LOCK snaps at me on Viber to stop it.

      No, you are definitely into something.

      Delete
    30. hey guys, I experienced that having control is very good if you deeply want something and that I also tried to gain as much control as possible. but I also experienced that having no control and just improvise is much less effort... also it is much more exciting if you don't have the control and you need to react spontaneously... it's like a river, you can try to tame it (which is exhausting) or you can just follow the river and use its power and see where you go... I think this is much better then seeking control. well.. so I don't think that everything in a sociopath's life is about having control... but maybe this depends on what the person exactely wants...

      alice

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    31. North,

      Let me know what he thinks, though I myself don't think gaining insight on neuroplasticity may help much (neuroplasticity, the way I see it, needs to be done by the brain by itself, there's no point in that function if we're to force changes upon it... well unless that comes from figuring new ways of learning).

      As for me negotiation means taking away from what I want originally. Plus, I hate when people tell me what to do, no matter how simple it is. Especially if it's something obvious or routine for me. Nothing grinds my gears like that. Example, when I wake up the first thing I do after getting out of bed is brush my teeth. If I wake up and on my way to the bathroom someone tell me "go brush your teeth, and come eat breakfast" you practically just ruined my morning. One, I don't need you to tell me when to brush my teeth, two, I'll eat whenever the fuh I please. It's not much but, nothing pisses me off as much as someone telling me what to do. I suspect that negotiating is similar to him, almost as if saying, well instead of that here's what we'll do, we'll take some of what you suggested and add a bit of this to cap it off. I bet something like "how about if we do this", or "would it be horrible if we also did this" would change a workd to him. Just like asking (instead of dictating, "are you going to brush your teeth now to eat breakfast" would change a lot to me, even though it's pretty much hinting the same thing. Everytime someone tells me to do, first thing that comes to mind is "who or what the hell do you think you are to me to tell me what to do". Of course, I usually keep that to myself

      Delete
    32. Alice I'm not a sociopath but I understand a lot if the extreme tendencies. I'm more raging river than calculated control freak. Sometimes I just lose it. It happened to me a few minutes ago. I have never wanted to smash something so bad.... Well actually maybe I have. But I didn't. I have really had to become mindful of my thoughts and actions which is really hard but necessary. And north-believe me I am familiar with the games you are speaking of. I am going to try to chill and send some positive energy out. Or at least try to not break anything. ;-)

      Delete
    33. Hey Anon,
      I think it's ok to be angry - underneath the energy is a potent understanding of what we want or need. Anger is a really physical thing, it demands an action, something physical. Have fun with it, I hope you find a way to genuinely express yourself. That's something special. :)


      Hey alice:
      I love your response, it's quite Daoist! I have so many thoughts about it and can't do it justice right now, but I'm letting your comment play over my mind. The river metaphor is one I've played with a lot over the last year. The more I let go, the more awareness I have. The more freedom, greater self expression and the more opportunities I can see.

      I've recently taught this idea to my sons. My eldest, the 10yo, has internalised it himself and it's transforming him. It's so beautiful to see him heal.


      Hi Tii,

      I completely understand your toothbrush example! I have been the same for as long as I remember. For the parts of our relationship that were working well, I think it was because we were treating each other respectfully that way. In fact, it was a real growth experience for me, listening to him and being able to express myself that way. I think that's actually what I mean by negotiation.

      Since the disturbance, we haven't been able to regain that equilibrium. He started manipulating and controlling and I explained how I felt as a result. He really hated that. Your view makes sense to me and helps me understand his experience a bit better. I do have to draw the line on those sorts of behaviours, though... and I try to indicate my good intent while doing it... but maybe there's a better way to do that in the future.

      Perhaps time can break this short circuit. I'm cool, but he might need to resolve his concerns in his own way. I wrote to him that he's important and his preferences matter to me, and hopefully he understands that's true. I kinda think he does know that.

      He's like my youngest son, kicking and carrying on when he feels someone hasn't respected him. My son calms down eventually, and is learning he is respected so it takes less time to reset these days. Minutes instead of hours. I hope **-* can learn that I do respect him too. In fact, I think the way he moves through the world is fantastic in its own way. There's something incredibly beautiful about it: a tenderness on one side, yet sharp and capable and intelligent too.

      Delete
  9. M.E.-

    Your "Cameron Suey" retweet CRACKED ME UP!!!

    HA!!! LOL!!!

    Your tweet:

    "Non-pschopathic people do, in fact, regularly turn off their empathy as needed."

    I agree...

    ~Vegas

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    Replies
    1. M.E.-

      PS-This post reminded me of one of my favorite songs-"Limelight" by Rush...

      ~Vegas

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    2. M.E.-

      PSS-The lyrics are AWESOME, and SO TRUE!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    3. OOPS!!!

      That should have been "PPS".:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    4. M.E.-

      PPPS-Rush's whole "Moving Pictures" album ROCKS!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  10. I tried to comment on the previous post but my phone won't let me. Weird. So in responding to you here.

    Vegas , I shall dump goats milk in your bathing water. ;) winks. Never knew that about Cleopatra. Nice beauty trick indeed.

    Mr. Hyde that's so funny, some goats do really have temperaments and can really start hoofing people badly with their horns. I had to get rid of a goat named jack. He was so misunderstood and wanted to be a pet goat exactly like a dog. He hated the pen - because the girls picked on him (especially Hazel).

    I'd have take him on van rides with us, he wanted to be with us 24/7, but my husband was so sick of him ramming the barn doors down ( destroying them) and literally destroying the fencing to the pen. Jack would find away to come to us laying on the deck just to get away from the girl goats. But he managed to destroy everything in sight. Plants, shrubs, garden, etc

    So I called up an Italian relative. Gave jack a hug, said so sorry buddy, and said to my uncle I'm not coming over for dinner....

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    Replies
    1. Superchick-

      "Vegas , I shall dump goats milk in your bathing water. ;) winks."

      *****BLUSHING*****

      I like the way, you said that.:)

      ~Vegas

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  11. SC, Now that's funny. The goat's previous owner's name was Jack. A crude but charming guy who seduced numerous greenhorn hippie chicks's, usually French, to cook, clean and tend his bush garden.

    The goat was male. Impossibly aggressive. ;)

    Still, he cracked me up. Buttes a wayward tourist off a bridge.

    Mr. Hyde

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    1. Tiiiiiii .......

      :-) hope your doing well young man, been a long time since I've seen you here.

      Delete
    2. Mr. Hyde

      Hahaha! Jackies! :-) seducing the women... He does sound like a charming crude man.

      Off to the grind. Hopefully no head bangs tonight. ;) fingers crossed for a quiet night.

      Delete
    3. Superchick,
      I've been well thanks, became busy and got on less and less until I forgot about this or maybe lost interest. Lately I've become increasingly reckless, almost as if I'm asking to be thrown in jail. Actually did get thrown for a few days because of pointless risks, but it barely phased me, and I feel like that won't stop me from doing the same stupidities. Anyways, came back for a reality check

      Delete
    4. Hey Tii, your navigating through life. Trying to figure out what works .... And what doesn't for your personality type. Be accountable & submit to counsel of your liking. Who you feel safe with though. Think of long term consequences and you know you'll make wiser choices along the way. If you need to sabotage recklessly along the way, (which in all honesty we all do ....in away.... for an outlet). We all succumb ones in awhile. Choose things for your lifestyle that won't reap long term consequences and affect your future so much. Stay out of jail card k young man. ;) Your a wise young man. Very wise. I remember and was blown away how you figured out life for you at such a young impressionable age. So your just put into this to get a different perspective, a different shift and then you reset yourself and your expansion. You will figure a way to make away. It takes time and lessons along the way. Which is okay. We all have to go through them. Your going to be okay. Your going through this for expansion and growth. Let that be...

      I'm going through a PTSD right now. Who would of thought that it would have manifested ( nights are awful) sweats, flashbacks, etc. But I get periods of relief. What you resist - persists is my motto. So I've resisted this step in my life and it's coming on full force.

      Looking into shadow work now, submitting to being vulnerable (which is a blow to the ego) but ego can fuck off , haha. :)

      But I know that in order to get to another level of consciousness and expansion I have to face the pain dead on. Face the pain and it will release its grips.

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    5. Superchick,
      Yes, you're right, I just let myself get carried away a bit. I didn't care about the consequences and let things get from bad to worse. Hopefully your words about my wisdom still hold true.

      Hope you find your peace soon and are able to beat your PTSD, I've met a few people I guess I could call friends this past year with PTSD after coming back from the marines. Actually two of them, and still pretty young, one 26 the other in his early 30s. Sucks to have to be stuck in such a position, though I hope the cause of yours isn't as gruesome as theirs. The older one is a bit more confortable speaking about his experiences, and once over a few beers almost bawled telling me hiw he felt (though not the events of trauma themselves). The younger one has been able to open up to him more than he could to me because of the similarities of their experiences, and according to him is even more fucked up. Though both did tell me how broken they felt. It's good that you're able to get a handle (even if just slightly) on your situation. Keep the chin up, head strong. With Jah's blessing things will look brighter.

      Delete
    6. Thanks Tii for the kind encouragement and thoughts. Your friends will find healing through the labour pains. Just listening to their stories will provide them with validation and strength inside. I'm at a women's new moon retreat getting high as fuck puffing on some good weed eating good food and drinking fine wine. Love the expansion of the mind while puffing. But also staying deeply grounded within. It's not something I do all the time.... but thankful for the opportunity to reach another level of consciousness and numerous perspectives. It's the open mindedness that leaves me unstuck and thriving forward. Lots of mantra work, shadow work etc. Yoga and Reiki start soon for me. The girl who runs it is a hoot. We laughed for a few hours straight last night (her and I). Belly pit laughs. Put some cannabis in everyone's morning cereal and every person on on planet world will be HAPPY. Worlds problems would literally cease to exist. World peace. Lol. Deep convos with sea salt chocolate on hand around the fire to munch on feels good. Haha ;)

      Yes my brother....my chin will be raised up, my head strong to receive, I will receive Jahs blessing above into manifestation.

      And in all this shit I'm laughing my fuckeen ass off. All of us are. Because it's abit out there.

      To the moon. Cheers!

      Have a great day. :D






      Delete
    7. Superchick,

      Enjoy your retreat ^_^
      Jealous as fuhh, I need to plan one of my own one of these days. Probably would work for me better than any other therapy, or shrink.

      Delete
  12. How do you all curb your anger? I'm easy going and optimistic, but as we know the masses of people we deal with every day are not polite and half of them even enjoy messing with you, especially if you live in a downtrodden area as I do. You see I can afford to move up in life, but I was born in a tough place and I feel better living in the projects. I find the people in poorer areas are contaminated with all sorts of personality disorders and deviations. But then when I'm around richer types they're arrogance and fakery also disgusts me and how soft and inexperienced in life the typical college bread and butter types are. Is there anyone left with a brain? I feel like I'm more battle hardened than everyone else and that's why know ones on my level u feel me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are all little kittens, I'm a ferocious bear

      Delete
    2. You're a knob head.

      Delete
  13. M.E.-

    When I listened to the Rush "Moving Pictures" album and the "Tom Sawyer" song, it made me think of you, playing the drums.:)

    Do you still play???

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. M.E.-

      PS-Do you also still play the piano???

      Just curious.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    2. M.E.-

      Regarding your tweet:

      "Life wants you to be at peace and content."

      I think so, too.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    3. M.E.-

      Regarding your retweet:

      "when u try to see if theres a edge to ur reality so u swim and swim until u reach the edge of the water & realize theres a whole other world"

      I loved that.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    4. M.E.-

      PS-Your "shark retweet" is STILL CRACKING ME UP!!!

      Thank you.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  14. Thinking about the band "Rush", made me think about the movie "Rush" with Jason Patric and Jennifer Jason Leigh, that I love.:)

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
  15. Very interesting blog. Alot of blogs I see these days don't really provide anything that I'm interested in, but I'm most definately interested in this one. Just thought that I would post and let you know.
    list of emoticons

    ReplyDelete
  16. “The last goat that acted like Hazel butted its owner once too often and wound up roasted on a spit. I missed that dinner -- thankfully. I got a big kick out that goat. No pun intended.”

    Hyde,

    What owner? What goat? It is both strange and unfortunate to see how messages get misinterpreted.

    “Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go....” ― Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Parnasse,

      SC was talking about her goat, which reminded me of a goat that I once knew. A goat similar in temperament to Hazel.

      As for birds, I don't think any fine-feathered creature should be caged, for any reason. ;)

      Mr. Hyde

      Delete
  17. Eternal Catacomb-Post for Adam!

    "If I had to describe myself as anything it would be a legendary pimp because that's what I am. I'm writing my autobiography as we speak called 'diary of a legendary pimp' some great stories in there for the youngins"

    Listen closely everyone! Herein lies Adam...

    "Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth."
    You are naught but a one-trunk-inheriting slave, "one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition." W.S.

    Or, you can have your legendary pimp illusions. Easier.

    Go ahead, continue slaving over your "diary of a legendary pimp." Listen to him! A pimp no less! LAUGHS.

    http://static3.gamespot.com/uploads/scale_small/1513/15136814/2379942-wwlaughs.png

    ReplyDelete
  18. How to manage or stop projecting? Projecting appears to be an large issue of mine, causing many troubles to maintain the few true connections I have. Although I can easily neglect my ego while in thoughts, when my drive and emotions are too invested aggressively and I have a hard time dissipating it, that dissipation does not work well, as this drive stays and influence more than was supposed to be.

    BK201

    ReplyDelete
  19. M.E.-

    In a previous post, I noticed that you mentioned, that you have completed therapy. I am interested in your thoughts, on that subject...

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
  20. With the "mask" theme of the post, along with me getting some new boots, I started thinking about this scene:

    Movie: "The Crow"

    Reborn

    I love that scene, and Brandon Lee's boots!!!

    I wonder what type of boots those were??? Maybe Dr. Martens???

    Brandon Lee was HOT!!!

    That was an AWESOME MOVIE!!!

    It is tragic, that he was accidentally shot and killed on set, during the filming of that movie.:(

    I would have liked to see him in more movies!!!

    That movie has a great soundtrack, too.:)

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also love Brandon Lee's leather pants and his strut, in that scene.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  21. He will not dip into my vaginal nectorOctober 3, 2016 at 2:55 PM

    ReplyDelete
  22. M.E.-

    I like your retweet:

    "*opems the internet*
    INTERNET: ur bad ur so bad ur bad ur bad
    ME: wowe this rocks"

    HA!!! LOL!!!

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
  23. ME,

    You have aspergers yourself. Not sociopathy. Thats what you want to believe though.

    ReplyDelete
  24. "When I look inside myself all I see is a void". Haha this line is so fucking cringy Tii just like the rest of ur drivel. Probably the type of edgy try-hard nonsense u put in ur retarded little poems(would love 2 read 1). I bet ur some little emo faggot with a pierced lip and a purple streak in ur hair. You seem to hav some misconceptions regarding sociopathy. Sociopath aren't devoid emotions. They have the full range of emotions but only feel them in relation to themselves. If ur pals r calling u a robot it's probably because ur autistic or boring or depressed or a robot. U make it sound like by acting impulsively and landing urself in trouble that you've strayed from the path of tue sociodom. In truth sociopaths don't act according to logic they act according to whims and impulses often to their own detriment. Personally I have a hard time believing u commited any serious offence since u sound like a bitch to me. U should've knocked ur pals teeth out the back of their head when they stubbed a cig out on u that's what any respectable person would've done. It's clear from ur description of ur fight at that gas station that that was the only fight you've ever been in. If u loved it so much why not just go out and spit in someone's face and start another fight? Cuz ur scared that's why. The big bad sociopath who self harms and lets his mummy ground him for being a naughty boy lol give me a break... Anyways back on topic, Sociopath's are extravert. Good at at networking and spreading influence through any group they enter. They don't prefer solitude llike u do. U sound more like a natural loner who grits his teeth, goes along with the crowd and keeps head down in social situations... What I'm wondering now is why you feel the need to announce ur sociopathy and give the people around u a fair warning if u don't care about hurting them? Sounds more like you're wearing your self diagnosis as a badge of honour to me. Mabye u also think having a pd will grant u the rigid sense of identity u admittedly lack. Mabye u also also think having a serious mental condition will justify why ur a drug abusing skidmark still living with his parents. Or maby none of those thing i dunno

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey crawl, who do you think you are, trying to diagnose people you don't know personally? and btw you should do a little research to expand your horizons... you are telling everyone the same and it starts to get boring...

      alice

      Delete
    2. Hey Alice *waves*, go stick a razor blade up ur twat. I'm intitled 2 my opinions. Ur only offended cuz ur exactly the same as this Tii cunt.

      Delete
    3. Crawl,

      Thanks for the feedback. Your words have touched me and will resonate in my mind the rest of my life.

      Delete
    4. Way to turtle up Tii. Ur even more pathetic than I though u were if that''s possible. Is this how u handle confrontation in real life?

      Delete
    5. Was that confrontation? I just figure you were a clown clowning around. A fool fooling around. A joke going around. That's the trick of the trade... why the fuck should I was more time on you doing what you do? I'll just do what I do.

      PS. Thanks for the new "Name Though"... I kinda fuck with it ^_^

      Delete
    6. ................^Don't do drugs kids.^

      Delete
  25. North. Would u please inject a little humour and personality into ur posts. Srsly this is why nobody visits ur blog.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Vegas. Don't take this the wrong way but what exactly is wrong with ur brain? Were u born this way or was there a specific moment when everything went 2 shit?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Crawl what else can I say. You know that part in the sorcerers apprentice where all the shadowy figures are gathered up in the hand and they are shifting from fighting to seductive and are finally closed up in the hand.

    ReplyDelete

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