Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Acknowledging yourself

I got a lot of emails from people with sociopathic tendencies or other personality disorders asking me what to do about re-connecting with their sense of self. I kind of don't know how I did it, because it was mainly my therapist guiding me through it? But I thought that this article -- How to Become Yourself -- described it in a generally accurate way, particularly re the uncertainty and time and energy required:

Becoming yourself is hard. In theory it’s easy. You do it by looking very closely at the person that you’ve been, digging out bad behaviors by the root and by letting go of anything that holds you back. It’s hard because the You of Before will make a fuss, it won’t give itself up easy. It has gotten used to not doing the good and terrifying things that make life extraordinary. It wants to stay put, it wants to stay shadowed and safe and out of sight. Even once you’ve decided that you want to be different, want to be braver and more yourself, it doesn’t happen at once.

You take the first few steps and think you’ll just keep going like that until it’s done and you’re changed and everything’s better and you feel whole. But it’s not like that. You take a step, you pause. You agonize, try to go back the way you came–find the road blocked, find in some cases it’s gone completely and ahead is something you can’t yet contemplate going towards. You hang stricken in empty space, between states, between the way you’ve been and the way you’re going to be. Between almost-happy-but-not-quite-happy and beyond, to somewhere great, somewhere where it’s not necessary to ask Is this it? Is this all there is?

It’s like in werewolf movies, one self is not big enough to hold the other, more monstrous self. In your case it’s not a monster, but a bigger and more lethal you that comes bursting out of its old way of being. Don’t be afraid of this. It’s okay to be lethal in the ways you fight for your life. Be lethal in your demands for joy, respect, progress. Step out of what is used up and useless, be lethal and unmoved in your certainty that there is peace ahead. But how to get there?
***
By slowing down
We end up in so many shitty situations by not thinking things through, by not recognizing the pull of our own toxic behaviors or the tell-tale signs that someone is bad news and won’t to leave us better than when they found us. Take a minute. Follow the map back. In the past you did this, then this, then this, and ended up here, without anything. Nod like you’ve discovered something, even if you’re just as confused. Decide in the future to buy a new map, and mark with an X places where you are celebrated. Where you’re safe and happy and strong. These are the places most worth visiting. Go to them as often as possible.

By learning to be by yourself and for yourself
It seemed clear growing up that the only way to experience love was to surrender to it. Put up your hands and step off the edge. Be consumed, or else you’re not doing it right. Be captured, or else what’s the point? Be eaten whole by it. Two life changing heartbreaks down the line and I’m starting to think it isn’t true. Because good love’s not a dinosaur. It’s an exchange of light, it’s two people doing right by one another again and again and again until the last time they speak. That’s what I think anyway and I’ve seen at least two cartoons on the subject.
***
By being better
You cannot be a better, gentler you until you start doing better, gentler things. I don’t mean you have to brush a unicorn’s hair or tuck a snake into bed. But you do have to tread more lightly through your life. You have to make calm and brave decisions about what you would like to happen and you have to take the appropriate actions to make those things most likely. Life is a choose-your-own-adventure. Will I be something? Answer yes. Will I end up where I’m supposed to be? Answer yes again, with as much conviction as you can manage. Will I be happy? Answer yes for the last time, as loudly as possible. But it’s haaaaaard. I know. But not forever. It will be easier. Eventually you’ll forget the way it was–the old ache of it; your heart quiet in its bed, your dreams dragging behind you like a tattered parachute. It will be good. You will be good.

I am aware that most people have either done this or have put off doing this for all sorts of reasons, so I am not sure who the target audience for this post is. But for those of you who have put it off but are still considering doing it, maybe just a quick endorsement from me that it's difficult and it's uncomfortable and even painful to own certain parts of yourself, and things often get uglier and more sideways before they get any better. But it is a really stable, safe, happy, and powerful place to be. There's a sort of confidence in knowing that you're living a life of integrity that is even more powerful and secure than the confidence the sociopath manifests in not caring about anything. (See also Montaigne on this subject) So it's worth it, in my opinion. Although if you do try it, I think it's best to be super committed to it, otherwise you might end up in a worse off position. 

155 comments:

  1. Am I supposed to say "first"? Haha.

    Anyway - a nice tidbit. Becoming yourself by means of self awareness takes constant effort. It is something I could benefit from at this very moment in my life. I have a lot of uncertainty about my future and it doesn't sit well with me.

    It's a terrible feeling when someone else is in control of changing your life so drastically.

    -Fellow Sociopath

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least I beat Vegas...

      Delete
    2. I let you both win-I'm trying not to be a "bully".:)

      HA!!! LOL!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    3. I forgot to say:

      "Hey, M.E.".:)

      That's my "new thing".:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    4. Fellow Sociopath-

      You get to say whatever you like, when you are first.:) That's the beauty of it!!! I usually say "First", followed by "Yippee", "I Win", or "Woo-Hoo" multiple times, but you get to make it your own.:)

      Damaged-

      Hemingway House 6-Toed Cat Count: -19

      From what I understand, there are only about 45 cats to collect there-"the army" is almost halfway complete.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    5. Thanks for playing-I THINK IT'S FUN!!!

      Damaged-Guess what else???

      You probably already know this, but I just discovered not too long ago, that there is a "Hemingway House" in Cuba, as well!!! I wonder if there are 6-toed cats there, to add to "the army"...

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    6. Where's A? Has anyone seen A? Find A and tell her I want to talk to her please.

      Hey Vegas ;)

      Delete
    7. @Vegas

      http://www.hemingwaycuba.com/hemingway-house-cuba.html

      I didn't see any mention of cats.

      Delete
    8. Soooo, who's in control FS? Are you implying that ur about to ge locked up for doing some sociopathic stuff? What kind of sociopathic stuff do u get up to?

      Delete
    9. I'm around, panty crusher. Just not very often.

      You know, life and all.

      How have you been?

      Delete
    10. @Crawl - My wife recently left me. I wouldn't dare let myself get locked up...that would be completely in my control. :) Action, consequence. Though, I guess you could say the same about my situation.

      -Fellow Sociopath

      Delete
    11. Damaged-

      Thank you, for the link.:)

      Did you watch the video, on that website???

      I think the graves in the video, might be for the "6-Toed Cats"...

      What do you think???

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    12. I think they are for cats.

      Delete
    13. Damaged-

      I think so, too...

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  2. M.E.-

    I LOVE THIS QUOTE, from "How To Become Yourself":

    "To become yourself you must give up yourself.

    So give it up. Go get your life."

    Absolutely.:)

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I acknowledge that it's "a thing", kinda like monogamy and jealousy, but I fail to understand the underlying mechanic of why it's a thing in the first place.

    I like having a fluidness to my identity. It lets me dabble and dance through life without accumulating cruft. This week, I'm painting. A month ago, I was buying plants and arranging them on my balcony (those motherfuckers are ALL gonna die of neglect now). Next week; who knows? Maybe I'll get a tattoo. Or a cocaine addiction. Maybe I'll experiment with bulimia or decide to run a marathon.

    The only unchanging cornerstone of who I am is my bisexuality, and under close scrutiny I don't really know if my sexuality is unchanging, or if my effervescent, bounding whorishness is just another aspect of my torrential nature.

    What drives someone to do this? Holes in the side of your building just let you weather storms all the better. Cherish your holes (heh). Fill them with things and people and shake them off when you get bored.

    What's the big deal with needing a sense of identity anyway? By defining yourself, you shackle yourself; no matter how much we tell ourselves that it's descriptive, not prescriptive.

    -k.b.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welp: looks like I accidentally cut off a chunk of my answer.

      I do not believe myself to be a sociopath; I do, however, have a very shallow sense of identity.

      Delete
    2. No offence but you strike as more of a lost little girl than a free spirit.

      Delete
    3. I don't see the distinction.

      Delete
  5. Is this written by a sociopath?
    All the ones I've known seem to have strong senses of their self so I don't understand why this is hard for you. is it because you act on chasing dopamine? Is it because wrong and right don't guide you so you are operating in the dark? Shouldn't your desires guide you?

    I've only ever seen "winning" as the goal only to see my family members return home maybe satisfied for a short term with their rush, or a smugness it's them 1, life 0 in the war against they idea of them meaning nothing and not existing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This article reads like a page out of one of those self-improvement books worthless people like to waste their money on. A girl i used to see had a book like that and i chucked it out because I new it wouldn't help. The articles author is a suicidal drip and a liar. She's not trying to find her real self, she's trying to escape her real self because she's pathetic. In all realness anyone broken enough to flirt with suicide everey day and cry themselves to sleep every night for two years straight will always have gaping vulnerabilities and insecurities bubbling under the surface waiting to erupt. Vulnerabilities and insecurities that will colour how they view the world even when they think that they're "happy". Anyways, I don't see how any this relates relates to sociopathy seeing as most sociopaths lack even basic insight into their personalities and would never stop to ponder shit like this. Seems more related to bordereline pd and emo kids. Possibly emo kids with bordereline pd.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A few months ago I got out of a rather weird relationship with a man I now believe is a sociopath. He is still in my social circle but I avoided him completely whilst I processed my hurt and righteous indignation at being taken for a fool. All the while, was the self-knowledge that I had been complicit in being played. Clearly I got something from the relationship. Even functional relationships can be analysed transactionally. I think the problem is that I didn’t understand the nature of the transaction - it pained me to realise the truth of what I meant to him. I didn’t realise that I was being groomed as a source of supply and ‘pruned’ for my continued usefulness. I actually find it slightly amusing now, in a grim sort of way. I’m glad I met this predator and grateful he was rather low-grade and transparent and less clever than I.

    I think it’s natural for us non-sociopaths to go through a stage of intense outrage and a desire for some kind of moral bust up with the sociopath to ”make” them confront who they are and have the satisfaction of seeing their remorse, the vanquishing of their arrogance, whatever. As if that could happen! The indignation is probably just one’s healthy narcissism kicking in. Ego-preservation. You can’t blame us for being so cross and hurt.

    What really helped me in the last few months was reading more about sociopaths - what makes them tick. I now realise that he’s not a ‘bad’ man (if he is a sociopath), just incapable of feeling the kind of regard for me that I ultimately want in a mate. I’ve released some moral judgment. It was never really personal. Sociopaths, in some way, are great mirrors to one’s soul.

    But you sociopaths are such an exhilarating ride! I rather miss the attention, the ham fisted attempts at lovebombing me, the nonchalance and devil-may-care freedom of him. He dialed down my anxiety by showing me how enjoyable it was not to care. I sniffed him out early on and so felt able to be more selfish and demanding (with him) than I believe a good person should be. He was a gift, in a messed up way, and I no longer feel offended by his lack of regard for me – I needed to experience that so I could learn to take better care of my emotional life. I guess I got off lightly with this one. I certainly wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of a highly sophisticated sociopath with higher intelligence than mine.

    I think I’m going through an odd phase now though. I’m not really angry with him any more and I miss him – or rather, the fun of him and the deft way he can make me feel special and brave. I find his almost jovial way of taking advantage of people quite fascinating. I’m a little jealous, to be fair. I didn’t always feel so amused, of course. Being with him also hurt like hell. Towards the end I savaged his character and told him what an awful person I thought he was. He seemed to absorb all the disapprobation, then became super charming, even obsequious, then tried to have sex with me, which I allowed!

    I might be in denial to a point – perhaps wishing there was this loving person underneath the social manipulator - but I believe I’ve arrived at a stage where I’m clear that I’m just another potential puppet to him and there’s a part of me that really, really wants to watch him try to manipulate me and use him for my own benefit. Whatever burgeoning love for him I was feeling is certainly gone now. I rather like it that I can take out my frustrations on him and the blows seem to roll off him like a soft shower. This is genuinely not vengeful thinking. I actually quite like this guy, if I’m honest. He’s such fun to be around and he gives me a creative, powerful energy – so long as I remember I can never trust him with my fundamental emotional needs.

    I guess my point here is to ask any of you sociopaths what you think of the idea of being played yourselves? I don’t mean in some devastating way. Just the idea of someone using you back. Do you assume people are trying to play you too? Presumably you don’t take this particularly personally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a pretty healthy and pragmatic attitude you've got there anon. So many women who've been in your position end up on internet forums much like this one, all bitter and twisted and broken, spilling their guts to anyone who will listen over and over and over again. It's good you haven't gotten snagged and can remain objective about your experience. I'm not clear on exactly what this guy did to you though...

      Delete
    2. Hi Anon,

      Crawl's right: you've explained yourself and understood the situation pretty well. I'm not a socio, but went through a similar experience with one, analysed it thoroughly etc.

      I did feel similar sentiments, too. There was a period where I "played", really to maintain contact. But it's not who I am. Relationships aren't games to neurotypicals; it cuts against the grain.

      The freedom and fun of being with him, the good things about him. Yes, I still wanted to explore that. How things might be given I can adapt. I was very curious, and have had the opportunity, actually, to see how it plays out.

      It's an excellent way to keep learning, I'll say that. I have to stay absolutely, 100% grounded in who I am and what I want. I have to take complete responsibility for my own feelings, because he doesn't get them at all and tends to stay quiet until the emotional episode is over. In this way, there is no mirror, no signal from him at all and it's disconcerting. So I have to patiently understand myself then ask whatever question I need answered, or make a clear request. But it also gives me the opportunity to learn things can be different. The world won't collapse... :)

      It's very excellent training, as I say. But what holds it together for him? What connects the scenes for him? No idea. It's risky business, but then any relationship is.

      I suppose what I'm saying is I encourage you to keep asking the questions you feel like asking. Test what you need to test when the moment presents and keep trusting yourself.

      I actually do let myself "love" him, although I try to express myself more specifically because love is a pretty general term. I figure, ultimately, we're two humans that like copulating and enjoy each other but we experience that very differently.

      Delete
    3. Whatever he did to you anon he couldn't have cut you that deep or you wouldn't able able to remain objective. Sure you're not overreacting?

      Delete
    4. Hi Crawl and North,

      Crawl - fair point. I was not that deeply hurt. Maybe I’m overreacting. Doubt I’d be so philosophical about it all if I’d fallen in love. I was getting there, for sure. Some vague sense of unease kept my defenses up. Maybe that’s why I can move on more easily. I could easily have been one of those embittered ‘victims’ online. In my relatively easy situation, railing against the egregiousness of a sociopath’s behaviour seems futile. If a sociopath is simply incapable of the kind of morality most humans adhere to can we really say they are to blame for being so predatory? That said, look at me: on this forum analyzing him! Clearly I’m not letting go.

      I did initially consult other forums aimed at the ‘victims’ of sociopaths. I didn’t really identify with the victim role. I had awareness and agency throughout. I prefer to try and understand MY motivations for getting involved with someone I had a bad feeling about and then try to understand him. The sociopath label I’ve ascribed to him may be a lazy characterization of someone who just wasn’t right for me. It might be my attempt to displace responsibility.

      Saying all that, this experience has given me the welcome gift of a newly found curiosity about sociopathy. These folks are interesting humans to understand. One might, especially following a bad encounter with one, wish to squish them, but they continue to occur and that must mean there is something essentially functional about their behaviour, in an evolutionary sense. I guess we are all just starting to understand these differently constituted, minority humans.

      But anyway. I’ll try later on to tell you as succinctly as I can the reasons for my armchair diagnosis of him as a sociopath. I’ll do that in a separate comment because I’m incapable of being brief!

      North, I’m interested in hearing your experience, which sounds a bit similar to mine. That urge to outplay the sociopath, once you’ve seen what he is. Also, the desire for the good things about him. I really get that.

      I take seriously what you say about the risk of playing the game. To someone with a fully developed conscience victory over a sociopath may feel Phyrric. I hear what you say about the necessity of being grounded in oneself. To the learning point you made – I think that benefits both the sociopath and the neurotypical person and I agree. To the groundedness point – I share that sense that it’s essential to know oneself generally and have healthy boundaries. I mean, if I’m honest I share some of the sociopath’s love of risk and foolhardy excitement. Boundaries sometimes feel boring and restrictive. But when the party is over it’s really no fun at all. It troubles me sometimes that I enjoy the crazy element so much.

      I agree with you about using all this as an opportunity to keep questioning. I’m lucky I have a great support network in my life to keep me honest.

      It’s interesting that you seem largely content (if concerned) with your own relationship with a sociopath. How do you manage? Are you familiar with the work of James Fallon? A neurologist who found he had the MRI-based neurological profile of a psychopath. He also tested as a borderline psychopath on conventional interview-based measures of psychopathy. He boasts a 40/50 year old marriage and allegedly his wife is aware he’s ‘not normal’ but happy to stay with him. I guess I’m suggesting it must be possible to have a vaguely functional relationship with a sociopath (maybe if you have a cast-iron sense of self worth and unassailable boundaries, at the very least).

      I’m grateful for both of your responses. Really made me think a lot. Thanks.

      Delete
    5. Hi Crawl,

      You asked why I think he’s a sociopath, albeit a relatively innocuous version. I’ve no dramatic tale of woe. I guess my reports might seem petty. I could be wrong about him.

      Early romance novel stuff. I heard I was unique and special - cosmic connection etc. He approached with a romantic fervor laced with affected profundity. Introduced me to his family within a week. Within 3 months we were adopting a puppy together and trying to get me pregnant. Obviously, I was being an idiot and going along with it. He tried to isolate me from my family – they were bad for my ‘energy’. Constantly triangulating me with other women. He introduced me to his fling before me, and the woman he dated after me (whilst he was still sleeping with me). He seemed to get off on this. I’m guessing it was the control, the moral transgressiveness of it.

      He told me many stories about his relationships with people. Those who got upset with him for taking advantage – it was always their problem. Other tales featured commentary about the things they had given him or done for him – money, expensive gifts, a lavish lifestyle. Looking back I believe he was subtly bragging about his ability to induce people to give him what he wanted. I often suggested he was taking advantage. He would brush these objections off as ‘stories of the monkey mind’. As a fellow spiritual seeker I drank that kool-aid for a while. He knew I would, of course. He’d trawled through my life story and knew how I thought.

      He told me of his last serious relationship. A couple of years living with a girl in a wealthy family at their home. He got very close to her mother and became her spiritual confidant (I didn’t probe, but it sounded weird). He spoke at length about the wealthy lifestyle he enjoyed at their expense whilst he eschewed a regular job. The family eventually cut him out, accusing him of some betrayal. When I suggested he might have behaved parasitically he rejected that. My enduring memory is that he didn’t feel very guilty about his part in it and, even if he accepted my theory that they may have felt manipulated, he rationalized this as their spiritual underdevelopment.

      I heard stories from others about him taking advantage of various people. I also heard stories from women who felt like he’d deceived them etc.

      Apart from being a self identified spiritual seeker he’s a massage therapist and singer-songwriter/performer. I saw first hand how he charmed people with remarkable skill and ease. He told me of many rich and influential people he’d gathered through his work who’d become useful to him. It’s too long-winded to go into specifics, but if you can trust me to be objective about this, I basically formed the view that he was incredibly good at hooking people to admire and supply him.

      I look back now and see that he probably targeted me because I was clever, a successful professional (he tried to rope me into a business project) and relatively wealthy. I was also feeling vulnerable and isolated at the time, blah, blah. And being empathic by nature I responded as expected to his stories of being misunderstood and rejected.

      Pervading all of this was an unassailable arrogance that I found tremendously irritating. A sense of entitlement without merit, an assumption that without any effort or responsibility he was due the ‘good life’, association with the ‘beautiful people’ and all the benefits of the hard work of others. Having lived his life as a bit of a drifter he seemed to feel he could sponge off people without any sense of remorse. Always, with a cheeky grin.

      I remember smirking inwardly once when he stared deeply in my eyes and proclaimed he felt he’d finally met his ‘equal’ in me. A transparent ploy.

      This is all a bit low level and subtle. Also I had to cut a tonne out due to the size restrictions on comments (and my verbosity). Not deserving of the sociopath label? Perhaps. I personally think he’s sociopath-lite (based on observed behaviour). But maybe, as you say, I’m overdoing this.

      Delete
    6. Sounds socio to me Anon. The devil is always in the detail; verbosity feels necessary. There's a lot to work through.

      I'm travelling today, I'll respond properly later.

      Delete
    7. Well, anonymous. Please give yourself a name. And welcome.

      Verbose you are, but you found your cheeky sociopath. They are very endearing. Are they not a hoot? Love the energy.

      I am 6 years into a non sexual relationship with my "sociofriend". I am still enjoying it. Very much.

      I dont participate much any more on tjis blog but i am looking forward to reading from you again.

      Delete
    8. Good description. Sounds like a prick, not a hoot.

      Delete
    9. Actuall both. A prick and a hoot. And the biggest a*hole I have ever met. And still very endearing when you get to know him. Go figure.

      Delete
    10. "I mean, if I’m honest I share some of the sociopath’s love of risk and foolhardy excitement. Boundaries sometimes feel boring and restrictive. But when the party is over it’s really no fun at all. It troubles me sometimes that I enjoy the crazy element so much."

      I relate strongly to this and pondered it yesterday.

      There's something very different about exploring when one feels respected. That's mutual adventure. I found it was the evaporation of the facade of respect that was so infuriating. I went from feeling safe, exploring with a friend to realising I was just an object in his fantasy: and obviously there's no way I'd have done those things with him if this was known up front.

      The crazy element, as you say, gives a nice dopamine hit and it feels good. The heightened experience is addictive. And it can't be beat with a socio: he'll take you to your physical limits of high and low, so replacing that excitement is not an option. For me, all I could do was dissipate my experience, make it broader, far more vast. I had to replace the rush with self-care. I've calmed down significantly. Oxytocin.

      "He boasts a 40/50 year old marriage and allegedly his wife is aware he’s ‘not normal’ but happy to stay with him. I guess I’m suggesting it must be possible to have a vaguely functional relationship with a sociopath (maybe if you have a cast-iron sense of self worth and unassailable boundaries, at the very least)."
      Some people here have working marriages. A is an example. Superchick is married to a socio and shares very interesting material. Maybe it's worth asking them?

      Is it possible to have a functional or semi functional relationship? One in which one maintains their own dignity? I needed to ask that question too. He has just been telling me I needed an open mind and that means listening to what he says without perceiving it as a reflection on myself. His expressing a preference should not diminish me. I've said he should not take me for granted.

      I don't know whether or not we can resolve that. It sounds simple enough, but this would be a very loose coupling through published services from our independent platforms (paradigms). It's not two-becoming-one or any such mystical union. Basically a necessary communications framework for continued sex. I don't know how sustainable that is for me; I wouldn't be wanting to limit myself by it. "Love" and relationships look so different to me now; biological mechanisms that he hacked and I so I know can be hacked. I see how they work. It changes how I approach everything.

      You've done well to create your narrative. Keep creating it and shaping it; mine continues to change as I grow.

      Delete
    11. "I did initially consult other forums aimed at the ‘victims’ of sociopaths. I didn’t really identify with the victim role. I had awareness and agency throughout. ...
      These folks are interesting humans to understand. One might, especially following a bad encounter with one, wish to squish them, but they continue to occur and that must mean there is something essentially functional about their behaviour, in an evolutionary sense. I guess we are all just starting to understand these differently constituted, minority humans.


      Beyond the discovery phase, I also found victims' sites didn't really hit on the root causes I was looking for. Neither did philosophy or our general understanding of the human condition, our general expectations of other humans.

      The real pain was not the heartbreak (like you, there was always a reservation I held back from him); the real pain was the shock at being blindsided and that was the source of my curiosity.

      How is it these unknown, alien operators are amongst us? Why don't we know about them? Why aren't we teaching each other to take better care of ourselves?

      It's about our ability to predict. Prediction is shot to hell with sociopaths because we don't have the first clue about them and it leaves us susceptible.

      So this was the source and drive of all my curiosity and I've pieced together my own model of understanding.

      Delete
    12. North hi. I'm the anon that's chatted with you before. I'm very fascinated by the similar language I've encountered. I was told I was closed minded. Too stupid. This confused me but it also just plain pissed me off. But in reality I was just innocent. I had no idea what the hell. They were so frustrated that I wouldn't just do what they said. I wouldn't say my lines. Being a puppet. I would love to know how they translate that into being open minded.

      Delete
    13. Hi Anon :)

      Thanks for posting this! He's actually seemingly in a strop again after rereading my Viber messages and this might explain why. I applied that idea of being open-minded to having respect for where the other is coming from and challenged him in this regard.

      I know that's very difficult for both of us, perhaps impossible. Our experience is so utterly different.

      This conversation (part by phone, part on Viber) arose because I said "no thankyou" to being, as you say, a puppet.

      By "open-minded", I imagine they mean they expect permissiveness. I agree - it's completely fascinating that they use the same language! It's interesting too, that he sounded almost exactly like my narc ex-husband when trying to accuse me of not respecting him*.

      I think this goes to the heart of the tension and it would be a pattern of interaction between the sociopath and neurotypical. As time goes on, and despite knowing the futility of it, it's surely biological that I catch feelz; it's probably also natural for him to seek that sort of control. It's hard for me to deal with those feelings on my own when he's clearly experiencing nothing. It's hard for him to not have control.

      I think interfacing between own different paradigms is probably too difficult. It's not worth the effort, no matter how good the sex is.

      * I've also copped grief from my ex-husband this week for expressing my preferences re the kids. He went nutso to the point I had to block him. My psychologist told me that people don't like it when you change. These are important steps for me.

      Delete
    14. They predict by controlling; we predict through emotional connection.

      There's bound to be difficulties when our chief predictive mechanisms can't operate effectively. One feels quite at sea.

      Delete
    15. North I agree they predict by controlling but also it seems they control by predicting, if that makes any sense. And in my case anyway when they felt they couldn't predict what I would say or do they sensed they were loosing control and that's when things got really ugly. That is when the mask really slipped. And I really wanted away because they were just so damn mean but at the same time I wasn't going to let them off that easy. And I wanted to know the truth. And at the same time I didn't want to believe it. Everything just reached a point of no return.

      Delete
    16. "And in my case anyway when they felt they couldn't predict what I would say or do they sensed they were loosing control and that's when things got really ugly. That is when the mask really slipped."

      Yeah, I think that's exactly it.

      It's pretty sad for them, control is an illusion. I feel quite sad because it doesn't need to be like this.

      "And I wanted to know the truth. And at the same time I didn't want to believe it"

      How does this feel for you now?

      Delete
    17. why do you feel sad for them? I mean everyone is cherishing an illusion... the only difference is that the illusions are varying...

      alice

      Delete
    18. Hmmm, it seems like a lot of work, control. Perhaps emotions are too.

      It's scary to do but I find more peace asking for what I want than in trying to ring fence reality.

      Yeah, we all have our own techniques for living illusions :p I think our physical organism is always closer to objectivity than our goal-driven conscious mind.

      Delete
    19. yeah seems like that... I think without illusions, our life would be unbearable ... at least mine would be haha

      alice

      Delete
    20. Indeed.
      "I ought not to have listened to her," he confided to me one day. "One never ought to listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance. Mine perfumed all my planet. But I did not know how to take pleasure in all her grace. This tale of claws, which disturbed me so much, should only have filled my heart with tenderness and pity."

      And he continued his confidences:

      "The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her . . . I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her . . ."


      We are all a bit like that, with our "silly little strategems," our own approaches to the illusions we create in our minds.

      We should have mercy on each other. We each only see a tiny sliver of reality - and we interpret that!

      Delete
    21. North now I feel like they are nothing and no one. I know that is a horrible thing to say but that is how I feel. And sometimes I really wish I didn't know the things I know. I work to re-frame them. Its easier to do sometimes. Lately it's been more challenging.

      Delete
    22. North I think the difference is nons are capable of feeling sorry for the sociopath. Sociopaths only feel contempt for us. I do feel sorry for them. I feel as if something was stolen from them. I try to think of them as a child, not as the void I know them to be. I try to restore some humanity to them. Even from a far. I can only hope.

      Delete
    23. Hope may be the ultimate illusion and the most powerful.

      Delete
    24. Hi Anon,

      I can understand that, it makes sense to me. I was re-reading my journal the other night and had written something similar. I finished it with "This is the most horrible thing I've ever written."

      It's so far from our natural way of thinking and understanding; it's not pleasant to think about.

      I don't want to be stuck thinking about these things.

      Perhaps that's the process: disillusioning ourselves of hope regarding them. That has to happen before we move on.

      Maybe that's where the victims' sites work: there's a lot of invective, perhaps that helps. It wouldn't work for me; I needed to experience it differently.

      I asserted myself in the relationship and what I got in return was an epic, wanton, calculated, manipulative 72 hour tantrum. It's staggering, and yes, I feel sorry for him because that's a miserable way to live. But that's completely his problem. Who knows, maybe he enjoys it.

      It's like talking to a wall. There's the sense of nothingness.

      Oh yes, and lots more chat about having an open mind. This paralleled his own increase in rigidity. He dug his heels right in. It's as though he considered my proposing healthy mechanisms was actually initiating a competition for control of the relationship and he was NOT gonna lose.

      It's the antithesis of our experience of relationship.

      When the previous relationship with him ended, a psychopath on INTJF told me "you've shown willingness to assert your own free will and he will not have a relationship like that as a psychopath."

      I had to test that, I think. And it holds in this case.

      Delete
    25. North I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you,im sorry for myself, I'm sorry for the sociopaths that are forever limping about looking for something more. It just all sucks. But not only do I understand I admire you for doing it your way. I believe we have that need and that right

      Delete
    26. isn't it very exhausting to be sorry for everyone, is it?

      alice

      Delete
    27. Alice it's exhausting to feel sorry for people who refuse to change but one important thing I've taken away from my experience is the knowledge that there are people who refuse to change-yet they are still constantly seeking my sympathy. Prior to this I never imagined that I could completely disconnect from someone I loved. Its extremely hard. Its very unnatural.

      Delete
    28. North I've been thinking about the way sociopaths throw around terms like open mind. There is something about it that makes us try to prove we are indeed open minded-and we are. Just the fact that we try to prove it is an example of open mindedness. But in reality open mindedness is dangerous to a sociopath. It means you are open to different ideas,not just their idea. Even after everything blew up they were still trying to "make me believe."

      Delete
    29. Thanks Anon, I appreciate it. I read your message yesterday :) I think the sadness is something special; we want something to be better. Sometimes we can act on that, sometimes we must let it go.

      The good news is that although I developed feelings for him, I didn't give him my heart this time. I take responsibility for my own heart. He shocked me, though, that's for sure.

      The question is understanding what is signal and what is noise. I eventually found the signal as something unexpected that he repeated a few times. Just the way a child does it, giving clues as to the problem but making you guess at it. OldAndWise was probably right in saying that trust is hard won with a psychopath.

      It's time to seek more varied sources of interest in my life. That's important.

      "But in reality open mindedness is dangerous to a sociopath. It means you are open to different ideas,not just their idea. Even after everything blew up they were still trying to "make me believe.""
      This is very interesting! I had told him that open-mindedness included trying to understand where the other was coming from... he wasn't going for that, lol.

      Making you believe - drawing you into his own version of reality?

      Once I accepted we all have our own versions of reality, it was ok. He can have his version.

      I wonder can they learn to ask for what they want. Honestly, he has been pretty good up until this point, which is one reason I figured I'd done something to trigger him.

      Delete
    30. North despite being terribly predictable sociopaths always manage to be surprising I suppose due to their complete lack of connection . Its still hard to fathom. I wonder what they want. I have no idea. I don't believe they know either. What I observed was rare glimpses of an almost trance like state. They were propelled forward in a search for more.

      Delete
    31. **-* has said he doesn't know why he does the things he does.

      What I've noticed is he is predictable at a macro-level. Maybe I don't know him well enough to predict at a micro level; perhaps that would take a lifetime. He's very subtle.

      The devil is in the detail.

      It is this lack of predictive ability that makes dealing with him exhausting. We have to think where normally we would feel and act intuitively. We want to make things work, so we are prepared to think, to strategise, but this pretty soon turns into a full-time occupation.

      Gavin de Becker says it's a fundamental need of the organism to be able to predict. Scientific theory has it that humans developed large brains because we are constantly sizing each other up in complex social structures.

      Driving a car is a good example: we are constantly predicting what other people might do. It's 100% of the time. Indicators for turning and merging, along with road rules help us predict. We also adopt our own practices or heuristics like defensive driving.

      There's no indicators and no rules with a psychopath. We have to rely on pattern recognition. When that fails, the temptation is to control or submit, to bob along like a cork in the ocean (this is what I did as a child with my father. It's made me very flexible and adaptable, but I never learnt what I want, what I like, who I am.)

      The thing with the psychopath is you don't know he's not following the road rules (metaphor for usual human interaction patterns) because he pretends he is. They say psychopaths are energy vampires: I'm hypothesising this is why. We're frantically trying to predict: it's a core survival need.

      But prediction can be too difficult, especially when he wants it to be that way. It's better to walk away and to be clear about why. The key is to do things for my own reasons. If he wants to interact, that's good. If he doesn't, well, that's how it is. I don't take it personally either way.

      Remember that he is also having difficulty predicting, which is why he controls, why he wants me to come to him, why it's always a dance he must lead.

      Life would be easier if we shared info. But his giving me that would be too risky for him, I guess. It would make him vulnerable and he won't have that. And so the dance plays on... I'm taking a rest.

      Delete
    32. Thanks for your thoughts, Anon, they really help me. I love hearing your perspective.

      Delete
    33. The pure lack of original thinking is so obvious to me now. There was no spontaneous anything. There was no spark. I was the spark. Everything was a cheap ploy to siphon energy. That is what I have come to accept. That is what I know I can always expect from them. Nothing more because there is nothing more . That is the full extent of their thought process- fulfilling some end goal. I really can't speak for anyone else but in my case I know it's true. Its so creepy. There is no magic and magic is such a part of me, but with them there is no magic. I'm glad you kept your heart north. They don't deserve it.

      Delete
    34. In fairness to him, I did something to trigger the whole episode. Not intentionally, of course, but clumsily. The guys at The Cirkle gave me one simple piece of advice that I didn't heed. This explanation fits exactly with the event chronology and with the things he was complaining about (without him ever actually specifying it.)

      Talk about requiring cognitive empathy. On both sides. Yikes.

      Lessons on how not to interact with a psychopath.

      Incidentally, I chatted to a friend about my driving analogy. This guy has a psychopath working for him. He said a psychopath will "indicate left and turn right." Pretty much that. Eh, so exhausting. My friend proposed a model, similar to the Stages of Grief Cycle, for learning to interact with a psychopath. Something like:
      - Confusion - you know you're expending too much energy
      - Avoidance - keeping away where possible, perhaps even changing jobs
      - More confusion as the psychopath adapts and re-exerts control
      - Questioning - trying to resolve the dissonance
      - Finding the principles or drivers behind their actions - puts you at ease
      because things make sense and there are fewer surprises.

      That was his experience in a work context. Any thoughts?

      Delete
    35. "There is no magic and magic is such a part of me"
      So beautiful - I don't think the magic will ever stand for being hidden or trampled again!

      I think it takes time, but it's irrepressible now :)

      Delete
  8. Personally?
    We don't care about you. We don't think of you and pine over you. There is nothing. You filling our needs and believing you're playing us? What is there to play?
    Yes, please give me what I want.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Didn't realize sociopaths have a collective consciousness. Interesting.

      Delete
    2. Like ants. Scientists are baffled.

      Delete
    3. Thanks for responding to the question in my comment, Anonymous. I figured as much.

      Delete
    4. good summing-up

      Delete
  9. I once heard someone say 'the bigger the hole in your soul, the better the entertainer you are'

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Take a minute. Follow the map back. In the past you did this, then this, then this, and ended up here, without anything. Nod like you’ve discovered something, even if you’re just as confused."

    Genius!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm somewhat new to this blog. I've read through a couple of posts over the last few months but have never responded. This is definitely not due to lack of interest.

    The discovery that I am a sociopath happened at the worst possible time. As I read through the list of symptoms and tendencies and saw gambling and sex addiction toward the top of the list I was a bit infuriated.

    I had just banned myself from the local casino and was undergoing treatment for an STD. I'm sitting there thinking, couldn't I have found this shit sooner? Before I threw away tens of thousands of dollars and caught something that Ajax can't wash off?

    Although, I do find a bit of humor in the situation as well. Almost as if I can hear the universe snickering in the background.

    Good one bitch, good one.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. M.E I really wish that you'd include a basic summary of the most important points at the end of these long-winded posts.

    In fact, it's something that everyone should try to do. Or at least make your posts entertaining in some way.

    I've been staring at all these paragraphs and I just can't.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Okay I think I've managed to summarize the post in a few points:

    1. Don't be yourself.
    2. Be yourself but be better.
    3. Give yourself a motivational speech out loud.
    4. Something.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kb. The distinction would be that one is good and the other is bad. Anyone who states they want to experiment with an eating disorder and develope a drug addiction for shit's and giggle can't be in a good place mentally. The big deal with not having a solid sense of identity is that you'll drift aimlessly through life like a boat without sails unable to leave ur mark on the world and having to latch onto stronger people to anchor yourself like a parasite. People who don't know who they are end up as followers and victims or they end up as nothing. Do u self harm? you sound like a cutter.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I reject your distinction of one being good and the other, bad. Says who? The only difference between a free spirit and a lost girl is a good PR team; freedom and chaos are functionally indistinguishable.

    Wandering lost through a forest and exploring it are the same on the surface level, and ends don't matter when they are as nebulously defined as they are. What matters, then--at least to me--is whether or not I enjoy the adventure.

    You seem to think aimless drifting is somehow intrinsically bad, or the sole domicile of weak people. Spoilers: at a certain resolution, everyone is aimlessly drifting. There is as much cohesive logic behind getting a job, a family and a white-picket fence as there is in wanting to die young and shock the world with an open-casket funeral.

    As for your other question; yes, I've engaged in self-mutilation before. There was one point where it may have been emotional, but that was many years ago (back when I clung to your ideals of 'having a purpose', interestingly enough). Now, I do it when I'm bored, or itching endorphins but unable to get out and about or--most commonly--when I need to break down someone's defenses. It's very disarming to tell someone, quietly and shamefully, about your deep dark secret; even when my "deep dark secret" is little more than an amusing pastime.

    I think the same may carry for experiments into bulimia or addiction; it's an experience that can be used as a weapon, or a lockpick.

    I still fail to see any meaningful distinction between the two.

    -k.b.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right. Ok. So basically you're completely delusional and a coward. You couldn't handle the preassures of everyday life so you shut down emotionally(hence why you no longer feel anything when u cut) and now you're hiding out in your cave and trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter if you never come out because nothing matters, society is bullshit, nobody can see the truth but you, nihilism, existentialism, retreatism blah blah fucking blah. How old are you? How long have you lived like this? What broke you? Who's funding your worthless lifestyle? You need to snap out of it and re engage with reality, or one day ur gonna wake up in a parking lot, cut up like a virginia ham from all the self harm with a needle hanging out of your arm and a punters dick in your mouth wondering what the fuck happened to your life.

      Delete
    2. You seem Very Emotionally Invested in a stranger online, living a life that will never affect you.

      I have two degrees. I have a job. I have my own apartment. The fact that you assume someone like me must be some caved, shuddering hermit is very telling of your own experiences. Spoilers: just because you need a dictatorial level of structure to avoid waking up "in a parking lot" doesn't mean everyone else does.

      It's possible to have a completely shallow sense of self, and careen wildly from place to place, while also understanding that wild careening is more fun than not careening and that it needs some sort of income to keep it going.

      Are you projecting? Because you could probably take your preachy PowerPoint presentations elsewhere; I doubt they're going to be effective here.

      xoxo

      -k.b.

      Delete
    3. I just like to throw shit at the wall and see how much of it sticks. The cave was a metaphor by the way. What do you do for a living?

      Delete
    4. "I just like to throw shit at the wall and see how much of it sticks."

      Sure you do, buddy. The "I was just probing for weaknesses!" excuse doesn't even work in the movies.

      -k.b.

      Delete
    5. yaaaaay bitch fight haha!!

      Delete
    6. Remember, kids. Never fight with a bitch. I'll drag you down to my level, then beat you with experience.

      -k.b.

      Delete
    7. Hm. Either a cat fight, or some kind of obscure bisexual mating ritual.

      Grotesque, yet intriguing.

      Delete
    8. U think I'm trying to save face on an Internet forum where I don't even have a face? I'm not making excuses here babe. Based on some of things u said i thought u could be one of those stoner washout types who try to rationalise their laziness so i spat out a few assumptions to see what came back just like i did with the self harm. Turned out I was wrong and I ended up looking retarded. But that's fine, because I am completely fucked up and retarded. In all seriousness and in a completely non antagonistic way, i actully do believe u may have shut down emotionally to some degree. You say there was an emotional element involved when u first started cutting so i'm wondered when and wether this actually changed or if u just blocked out ur emotional turmoil without realizing. I undestand the premise of using self harm to play on people's sympathies, but it sounds more like a classic cry for help to me. You could just as easily lie and tell them you did it without actually going through with the act. No normal person would ask to see the cuts, but u make a point of showing them. I wanted to know what u do for a living because i'm curious if you think that defines u in any way.

      Delete
    9. "U think I'm trying to save face on an Internet forum where I don't even have a face?", he says, face-savingly.

      If you spit out enough assumptions, you're bound to be right at some point; especially since I already admitted to being open to forms of self-harm in my comment about bulimia. A stopped clock is right twice a day.

      I've definitely shut down emotionally on some level. I've never argued that. My point is, given things affect me less, what's the issue there?

      As for you comment about a cry for help; take my word for it: there are few things more electrifying that slowly, shakily pulling back a long sleeve and showing scars on your wrist (with that sad, shameful nod of your head) and watching all someone's doubts and suspicions crumble away. Plus; if you ever intend on fucking them, they're going to see you naked and scar-less. You've got to commit to the bit. I don't want their sympathy; I want them to think that I've taken a huge leap and "trusted" them with this dark, twisty secret.

      I work in IT.

      Oh, and as for the mating ritual comment; I wish. Most bisexual mating rituals involve eventual cannibalism. Gotta stay spry.

      -k.b.

      Delete
    10. The issue is that your self destructive behaviour is a consequence of your emotional shut down. It's like you're walking through flames while dosed up on a numbing agent. You feel fine but in reality ur getting burnt to a crisp. I meet a lot of women with severe emotional issues like you through my work. They talk openly about self harm, rape ordeals, drug addiction, eating disorders etc etc in a pitiful attempt to normalise the fucked up state they're in. They see themselves as free spirits too, but anyone with a half a brain cell can peg them as the broken bitches that they are. Most of them end up having some form of breakdown and i've known a few who ended up suicides. That's the other issue, all the emotions ur suppressing will find a way of resurfacing at some point and the results won't be pretty. Your reasons for showing people your scars come of as pathetic and clingy to me. Real Fatal attraction stuff. You're so terrified of people leaving you and so lacking in self respect that you manipulate them into feeling like they need to take care of you by mutilating your own body. Sad. If you tried that shit on me I'd be checking u into the nuthouse and going on my merry way lol. Anyone retarded enough to stay with a headcase llike deservse you as far as I'm concerned. Anyways that's just my opinion.

      Delete
    11. Crawl, your vagina really stinks, please go. Why are you working with these women? You're absolutely too toxic to listen too. The lack of remorse in you is pathetic. Gross.

      Delete
    12. Crawl. Do you like it when people talk down to you?

      Do you like it in a sexual way? I think you do.

      Delete
    13. @Anon 5:19. I'm into all kinds of weird shit. I'm a total degenerate I'm not gonna lie.

      Delete
    14. I find it interesting that you think I'm a woman. Not that it matters to me, but I feel you make a very functional distinction between the sexes.

      You just come across as one of those vague Nice-Guy misogynists who briefly met a victim of trauma and is now convinced that any woman with the slightest wobble to her lip is an impending head-case that desperately needs your saving. I'd call it a Messiah complex, but I'm guessing you've also got some edgy New Atheist thing going too.

      Anyway, that's just my opinion.

      -k.b.

      Delete
    15. Irrespective of your gender you're a broken bitch. The only distinction i draw is between the wothless and the worthwhile.

      Delete
    16. You do you, buddy.

      -k.b.

      Delete
    17. What in the world is a punter dick?

      Delete
    18. I think "punter" is an English term, to describe someone boorish and/or of low class. Maybe interchangable for "redneck"? Fuck knows.

      -k.b.

      Delete
  16. "There's a sort of confidence in knowing that you're living a life of integrity that is even more powerful and secure than the confidence the sociopath manifests in not caring about anything. (See also Montaigne on this subject) So it's worth it, in my opinion. Although if you do try it, I think it's best to be super committed to it, otherwise you might end up in a worse off position."

    This is true and beautifully stated. Changing yourself is very hard but if you succeed and start living in the world as you, not a mask, you gain real confidence. I struggle with this myself daily and would probably have given up had I not believed in God.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I never understood this Tru-U crap. How can you be anyone except who you choose to be.

    Our personalities are made up out of the things we love.

    All this talk of a higher self, or your 'real' self or whatnot is just cheap marketing, corporations trying to get you to act a certain way, dress in a certain style, buy a specific product, to spend your money on things you don't want.

    Well if it isn't free, it's probably not worth the money.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Crawl said...

    "Ok I just bothered to read some of the article and now i'm ready to posit. ME, this article is fucking boring just like the skidmarks who frequent your site. I don't want to hear about what you and the girls chatter and cluck away about over mojitos, it's tedious. You're not wiriting for Cosmo here. And If you actually say things like "what is it you like about your paramour" in real life then ur a spod and a weirdo who couldn't get laid an orgy."



    Crawl then why the fuck are you here? Isn't there other things you can spend your time doing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup and I'm doing those other things when I'm not here. Which is most of the time.

      Delete
    2. hey crawl, what are the other things you enjoy doing beside arguing with some strangers on the internet? I'm just curious...

      alice

      Delete
    3. I like checkers. Just checkers... So what's up with the passive aggression?

      Delete
    4. sounds like an eventful life haha... wait, did I miss something haha? you want to tell me I have a passive aggressive behaviour?

      alice

      Delete
    5. Ur doing it again...

      Delete
    6. does it bother you?

      alice

      Delete
    7. Saucers of milk for everyone today.

      -k.b.

      Delete
  19. the fact that it's 2016 and educated people are still falling for the cult of personality is pathetic, with the whole trump thing. i said educated because educated people from money are far more likely to join cults than people from the ghetto. people from the ghetto question all authority which is very healthy thing to do. most cults members are highly educated but complete tossers with no street wisdom. at the end of the day i know why people follow trump, they have nothing going for them and they think by following a big name that somehow the famous persons popularity will rub off on them and make them less a loser. same goes with people who brag about buying the latest apple products. if I could teach these losers anything it's love yourself and stop relying on 'strong men, to make life decisions for you, you look pathetic to people who are dead wide.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Supreme Gentleman detected.

      Delete
    2. The president's job is to assure you that it's all under control.

      He's like a Teddy bear.

      Delete
    3. who wants a teddy bear, you give that up when your a child. you don't get strong without danger and battle. while your sitting in your gaf stuffing your face and pulling your pud i'm out in the cold becoming angrier and stronger

      https://youtube.com/watch?v=19bzuCFRJb0

      Delete
    4. Adam it's good to see you back on the scene owning these beta male fairys, keep it up

      Delete
    5. thank you raoh. im a much better writer when im angry. some people write good when their sad, drunk or on drugs or whatever but i write best when im angry. lately ive been furious and i feel like my old self again. awhile back i tried to act all non combative and 'modernized' but that's not me at all. lately my testosterone has been through the roof i could smash this phone right now PUMPED !!!!!!

      Delete
    6. VEGITOPATH WANTS CRAWL TO BE A REPLACEMENT HUSBAND FOR UKANSeptember 18, 2016 at 9:27 PM

      EET'S TIME FOUR CRAWL TOO BEE MYE REEPLASEMUNT HOOSBAND TEEHEEE










      REPLASEMUNT FOUR UKAN TEEHEEEEE SOOOO WE CAN HAVE A BEEEEGGGG HAPPEE FAMELEEE TWOGETHUR TEEHEE








































































































































      CRAWL. WUNT TO MARREEE. TEEEHEEEE.

























































      HAF BEEGGG HAPPEE FAMELEEE WITH MONEECA, PEERSON AND SKYE TEEHEEEE












































































































































      BABEESS. TEEHEEE.


























































      SO I CAN HAF FOUR HOOSBANDS AGAIN. TEEHEEE.

      Delete
    7. Dear North if-you see this I was going to email you today - but I accidentally must of forgot to press save on my phone. So I don't have the email you gave to me. I would like to discuss something with you. Only you would understand what I'm experiencing inside. If you can give it to me again I'll explain in the email. I read something on your blog .....it resonated, it stuck, I had tears streaming down my face for you and for me. In order to heal I choose to finally get vulnerable. I hope to talk to you through email and in confidence.

      Delete
    8. Hi Superchick,

      My email address is north.spinning.scenarios [AT] gmail dot com

      {{Superchick}}

      Delete
  20. For SW readers who love to hate the astro-archetype of monsters from the stars, here's an article about why it's great being a Scorpio.

    http://www.astro.com/astrology/tma_article160906_e.htm

    If you have Scorpio Rising, Sun or Moon in aspect to Pluto, Pluto on the Ascendant or conjoined with the planetary ruler of your chart, you're a bona fide Scorpio, no matter what your Sun-sign is.

    If you're a Sun at 14-20 degree-born Capricorn, Aries, Cancer or Libra, transiting Pluto is currently making aspects to your Sun. Your world may be in turmoil.

    It's all about digging down to the bald, ugly truth, facing it and purging the self of outworn patterns. Something must die for regeneration to occur, the Phoenix to rise. There are many ways to "die."

    Brangalina's breakup is a case in point: Jolie has Mars, Jupiter, Moon in Aries and Venus in Cancer. Pitt has four planets in Capricorn. Note that one press release stated that the split was due to "the safety of the family."

    Toxic poisons bubble up and all hell lets loose.

    Is it worth it?

    Hell yah.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm Capricorn I think it's accurate. Thanks for the link

      Delete
    2. Mr. Hyde the link won't work :| can ya try sending another one ?

      Delete
    3. Here's the link to the general site. Scroll down to the article by Bill Herbst,"In Defense of Scorpio's Dark Side.

      http://www.astro.com/

      You can also sign up at the site for free and get access to the free horoscopes. Some are pretty good for a computer program.

      Mr. Hyde

      Delete
  21. can some of you socios explain what your internal dialogue is like? im not a socio, people love me and you'd never hear someone say a bad word about me. i was walking home from the shop today and this girl i hardly know said hello to me. i waved and said hi but my internal dialogue went 'omg why are you so awkward?' then a voice went 'your not awkward at all, you're the fucking man'

    same happened the other day when i was walking home from the park with my dog. these three brain dead yuppies start laughing at me as i walked by. my dialogue went like 'maybe they're good people give them a chance, they just misjudged you then a voice came 'do they have any idea who they are mocking? id love to slit the throats of those three walking filth, hack them to bits and kill their family'

    you see this disturbs me because im a refined great person and i want nothing to do with violence or thuggery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly normal to have inner dialogue that's sounds negative and also uplifting. No one acts on the gruesome dialogue. Everyone has experienced it.

      If it continues..... people who have mental inner dialogue ocd can get like that ..... And usually it bothers them .... Because they would never ever succumb to it. No worries on your part.

      Do not preform ritualistic rituals to try to counteract the negative dialogue. It gets worse if you do. Compulsions they call it.

      The thoughts are like popping bubbles it will go.... If you don't feed them power.

      Delete
    2. i disagree, i think every thought you have comes from a place you can't even comprehend. the unconscious. putting it down to just ocd or the classic 'everyone goes through that' is just a way of not taking responsibility and owning the fact that you might have severe character flaws to work on. you are your thoughts, and i don't know why people find it so uncomfortable to accept that.

      i saw this tv show ages ago where this guy who had fantasies about his own daughter put it down to 'pure ocd' i thought to myself 'what a chancer' fact is those thoughts came from him and he just couldn't accept the reality that he was a weirdo and a creep.

      Delete
    3. Okay if your conscience is stabbing you - than work on those character flaws yourself. Yes. I do agree with that. And take responsibility.

      But I suffered from religious scrupulously ocd. It's hell. And - no- I totally refuse to believe the stupid shit that came into my mind when I hit my late teens. Lol. What a joke and ride that was. Everyone has them "those thoughts." I was taught. It's the little filter that's fucked up in the mind. The healthier filter sees those same thoughts I just had, kinda laughs and doesn't give it a second thought. Ever. It's so automatic you don't even know it's happening at all. Another example : Someone who has Tourette ocd speaks the thoughts out loud. We actually are kinda the same in the mind with the individual who had Tourette's .....but our filter stops in the mind. We don't blurt it out. And it's not as disruptive. I'm just very intuitive, I hear my thoughts more loudly in my head. Others have them like a radio in the back round. It's neither here nor there. It's not bad not good. It's just random thoughts playing. If you act out on violent thoughts than you reap consequences and get locked up. Simple.

      A person who dwells on those dumb thoughts over and over ......
      and tells them self what a creep I am or I'm just a weirdo is just getting themselves is a vicious loophole trap. The harder you fight them, the worse it becomes. You will start performing compulsions to counteract the " bad" thoughts. You have to let the " bad" thoughts come in order for them to finally cease. I do see what your saying, but to me it's not that black and white. It's just grey. We just disagree which Is okay because with different perspectives & different angles comes expansion and growth.

      Delete
    4. the real compulsion you should do is just kill yourself. because if your having those thoughts its your subconscious telling you what you are. deep down everyone knows exactly what they are unconsciously, the unconscious can't bullshit. you can accept the brutal reality or run to a made up disorder.

      Delete
    5. https://youtube.com/watch?v=RGbWNDEGqXY

      Delete
    6. Just because I had religious stupid thoughts doesn't give me the compulsion to kill myself. Scruples is a sharp stabbing pain, you don't want the thoughts. It's going against everything you believe in. Years later I laugh and how petty it all was. My biggest mistake was giving power to them.

      Now for a father who was having sexual thoughts towards his daughter..... And he acted out on those thoughts and never seeked help to stay the fuck away from her. Give me the gun myself. I'll shoot the fucker myself, that compulsion seems very justifiable in my mind.

      Anyone ever did that to my daughter I'd kill them. That I would do.

      The link doesn't work in my country.

      Delete
    7. This article sums up what scrupulosity ocd is quite nice

      http://ocdla.com/scrupulosity-ocd-religion-faith-belief-2107

      Delete
    8. I just met an assholeSeptember 22, 2016 at 9:32 AM

      Mason what gives you the right to tell someone to kill themselves on a forum? Sounds like your deflecting your own reality onto Superchick so you can feel better about yourself.

      Delete
    9. Utterly disgraceful behaviour, Mason.

      Delete
  22. Fame is the only thing that matters in life, if someone is more famous than you they are better than you, doesn't matter how good looking you are or what your worth.

    ReplyDelete
  23. owning borderline sluts and telling it like it is since '91

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mason/Fat Cock/The_King/Uncredited AnonsSeptember 21, 2016 at 4:31 PM

      don't forget us!

      Delete
  24. ukan is conor macgregor. that's why he's not around no more #exposed

    ReplyDelete
  25. i think there should be a sw hall of fame, who will be the judge. all the past showmen beepers and crazies fighting for a spot. who agrees?

    ReplyDelete
  26. I don't understand why people devote themselves to institutions like their job, school etc. Every single institution is corrupt because at the helm of them is humans and humans are flawed. I think the only hope we have as a race is if we give full control of the planet to good natured benign machines. I'm machine like myself, I try to follow the rules people set and this cost me fatally when I was just 6 years old. I thought institutions (my school) were trustworthy and logic driven, but a senior figure in my school betrayed me in the worst way. I wasn't physically or sexually abused but the high up teacher accused me of something I didn't do when she knew I was right and I was punished severely. From that experience with human weakness and others I have realized that at the top of every institution are bad people and you can only trust yourself or those once off genuine good people you meet.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Does anyone know how TheNotablePath is doing? I hope he hasn't passed away. =/

    ReplyDelete
  28. M.E.-

    "Like the Iggy Pop song says "I wanna be your dog". Thats how I felt at the time, and so I let it happen."

    I've heard of "Iggy Pop", but wasn't familiar with the music...

    I listened to the song, and read the lyrics...

    Thank you for music, that is new to me.:)

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know the song "Lust For Life"!!!

      I didn't know, that was "Iggy Pop".:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    2. I know the song "Real Wild Child"!!!

      I didn't know, that was "Iggy Pop", too!!!

      I like several "Iggy Pop" songs, and never knew it.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    3. M.E.-

      Thanks, again.:)

      I needed some music today...

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    4. M.E.-

      PS-Your tweet made me think of the song "My Favorite Dog", by "Seven Mary Three".:)

      I LOVE THAT SONG!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    5. M.E. & Damaged-

      Did you go to Cuba to check out the "6-Toed Cat Situation", without me???

      I think I need to listen to the whole 7M3 "American Standard" album now.:)

      Superchick-

      The cover of that album, has a picture of a chicken that is about to get axed, and it made me think of you.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    6. "I've heard of "Iggy Pop", but wasn't familiar with the music..."

      Shame on you.

      Listen to the firdst 3 albums by "Iggy And The Stooges".

      Delete
    7. "M.E. & Damaged-

      Did you go to Cuba to check out the "6-Toed Cat Situation", without me???"


      Nope. We didn't. Cuba won't be fun until the Castros are gone.

      For fun and adventure I'm thinking the beaches in Kenya.

      Delete
    8. Tahiti has superior surf.

      Waves are everything.

      Delete
    9. Damaged-

      Thank you, for the music recommendation.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    10. Damaged & A-

      I haven't been to Kenya or Tahiti yet, and they both sound like fun & an adventure!!!

      I LOVE THE BEACH!!!

      WAVES ARE AWESOME!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    11. Damaged-

      PS-Hemingway House Florida Keys 6-Toed Cat Count: -23

      "The Army" is half-complete.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    12. "Tahiti has superior surf.

      Waves are everything."


      Agreed but women don't have to worry about wearing a burqa to the beach in Tahiti. It can happen in Kenya. Best to get that passport stamp out of the way now.

      Delete
  29. Twitter said: "FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous."

    SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue

    ... And if a kid is all four, he's definitely a sociopath.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. M.E.

    Missing your posts. Hopefully, you're OK. Fallen in love and on holiday.

    I have a question for you that I'll email one of these days.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
  31. Superchick,

    Meant to ask you, what degree is your Capricorn sun?

    Forgive me for asking -- I'm a curious cat. How goes things? I'd be happy to look at your chart, through email, if you'd like.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
  32. ***شرکت نوين گيت***

    با سالها سابقه در طراحي ،اجرا و خدمات سيستمهاي درب اتوماتيک و راهبند
    فروش،نصب و راه اندازي و خدمات انواع درب اتوماتيک (درب سکشنال - کرکره اتوماتيک - کرکره پنجره - درب ريلي اتوماتيک - جک پارکينگي - کرکره شفاف - رول گيتر - انواع راهبند و درب اتوماتيک شيشه اي... )
    خدمات 24 ساعته و شبانه روزي حتي در تعطيلات رسمي
    مشاوره رايگان در تمامي مراحل

    ReplyDelete
  33. M.E.,

    “Sperry showed each hemisphere could be trained to perform a task, but this experience was not available to the untrained hemisphere. That is, each hemisphere could process information outside the awareness of the other. In essence, this meant the operation produced a double consciousness.

    The brain is where thinking takes place, love and hatred reside, sensations become perceptions, personality is formed, memories and beliefs are held, and where decisions are made. As D.K. Johnson said: ‘There is nothing left for the soul to do’.

    ‘Men ought to know that from nothing else but the brain come joys, delights, laughter and sports, and sorrows, griefs, despondency and lamentations. And by this … we acquire wisdom and knowledge, and see and hear, and know what are foul and what are fair, what are bad and what are good, what are sweet and what are unsavoury…’

    Many neurophilosophers have come to the same conclusion as the psychologists, with Patricia Churchland more recently claiming there is no ghost in the machine.”

    However…

    “Many people today believe they possess a soul. While conceptions of the soul differ, many would describe it as an ‘invisible force that appears to animate us’.”

    And so do I.

    Source: https://theconversation.com/why-psychology-lost-its-soul-everything-comes-from-the-brain-54828

    See also: https://theconversation.com/sorry-david-attenborough-we-didnt-evolve-from-aquatic-apes-heres-why-65570

    “But we must always build our hypotheses on, and test them against, the hard evidence.” I believe the same applies to possessing a soul – “the force that appears to animate us.”

    ReplyDelete
  34. How come sociopaths are more entertaining, original and witty than other people? Wouldn't this mean they have MORE life inside them than others. The sociopaths who have graced this site over the years have been so hilarious that i REFUSE to believe they are just robots.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Mr. Hyde,

    Recently, I watched “Cloud Atlas.” It makes sense to see the entire film, since it is interconnected, but here is the primary crux of it:

    “If I had remained invisible, the truth would stay hidden. I couldn't allow that.” – Sonmi-451 in “Cloud Atlas”

    https://randomwire.com/wp-content/uploads/cloud-atlas1.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  36. North,

    Your thoughts: “The devil is always in the detail; verbosity feels necessary. There's a lot to work through.”

    “Truth is singular. Its "versions" are mistruths.” Sonmi-451 in “Cloud Atlas”

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/3b/6f/36/3b6f36b7cac4cda5b2d752063e227657.jpg

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1rBK3s02yY

    ReplyDelete
  37. M.E.-

    I meant to tell you, that I loved the information you included from "Montaigne", in your post!!!

    Thank you.:)

    ~Vegas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. M.E.-

      PS-I liked the article, from your Kieran Healy retweet.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.