Saturday, August 6, 2016

What/when change is possible

My therapist often deals with bosses, spouses, church leaders, probation officers, etc. who inquire as to whether and how fast behavioral change is possible with someone who suffers from mental problems. He tells them that change is almost always possible, it's just not often possible in that moment. For example, someone who struggles with rage issues may be able to learn to control their temper through years of training and self knowledge and growth, but they may be completely incapable of controlling their temper in any given moment. He says that this restricted ability to control behavior, where mental hardwiring meets a deficit of willpower or skill level, is really hard for people to understand who don't suffer from similar deficiencies in those areas. First, it feels like the person is cheating, coasting through life on excuses while the rest of us have to try so hard. Second, it's difficult to understand how someone couldn't just be able to make a choice in that moment to do something differently, e.g. "just relax".

A lot of people have experienced this frustration with me over the years,. Recently, though, I've had extensive experience with it myself from someone else who has a very entrenched personality disorder, but also has started suffering from major depression symptoms. For various reasons, I am to a large extent responsible for this person and must interact with him various times a week. And every week there is some new flavor of dysfunction going on in his life, despite a comprehensive cocktail of medication and weekly therapy. This week, it's an inability to get out of bed for anything but work. He is already suffering pretty serious health consequences from a lack of exercise, for which he is taking another set of medications. All of his doctors, mental and physical health, tell him to keep trying to exercise. He knows that it will improve not just his physical health, but his depression as well. He knows that he enjoys getting out and walking in nature. But it is just very difficult for him to do it, so difficult that he doesn't quite go to the trouble of trying. I have a very tough time relating to this, and after years of dealing with nearly limitless levels and varieties of dysfunction, my frustration levels can get pretty high.

The crazy thing is that I would have never had this experience at my most sociopathic self. There would be a snowflake's chance in hell that I would have continued to deal with someone like this for longer than a few weeks, maybe a few months in exceptional circumstances. So I've never actually had to confront this type of frustration at someone's inadequacies. The one great thing that has come out of it is that I now have much more cognitive empathy and understanding for what people have to deal with on the other side of the mental health problem equation -- the people without the seemingly intractable problem, but still have to deal with it on a regular basis.

But I think of a parallel -- my grandmother, who suffered a stroke and had to undergo a sequence of physical therapies. She did get better over time -- better bladder control, speech, decreased paralysis, etc. There were also some things that she didn't get appreciably better at -- lack of inhibition, sense of decorum or propriety, respect for the privacy of others, demonstrating an adult level of patience, and certain types of emotional regulation. She had in many ways the mind of a child to her death, but I bet that even in those things she could have seen further improvement -- too bad she didn't live 50 more years to reach that point in her trajectory.

And I know that as much as I have improved over the past few years -- almost no manipulation, more in touch with my emotions, stronger sense of self and identity -- there are still things I probably won't ever be able to do -- affective empathy, strong emotional theory of mind, understanding subtle emotional cues, conforming more closely to social norms and expectations, etc. Or maybe I will, it will just take some future brain surgery and/or 50 years of training. We'll see. 

81 comments:

  1. First!!!!
    Get fucked y'all

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    1. Hey Swop.:)

      ~Vegas

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    2. Swop likes to fuck pussy pretty hard. Pussy is not allowed to cum, only when swopy lets it's so. <)

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  2. Damn so close! Curse you Swop!. A quick suggestion for your depressed friend ME. Get him into Pokemon GO. I have heard from a lot of people that it worked to get them up and about no matter what level their depression and/or social anxiety was. Get him to start playing around the house and as soon as he runs out of Pokeballs he is pretty much guaranteed to wander off in search of more.

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    1. Puppy Basket-

      Do you think M.E. is depressed???

      If so, a pool party with otamatone party favors, will do the trick!!!

      As soon as I get the invite from M.E.-I'M THERE, BABY!!!

      ~Vegas

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    2. I don't think ME is depressed but caring for someone who is can be exhausting and she needs to make sure she cares for herself as well. Since as sociopaths we tend not to share our burdens or vent as well as empaths we can be overwhelmed easier than they can in situations like that.

      Sociopaths seem to suffer from depression less than normals but we have our own version I call ennui when we get trapped in a situation or bored with life. Hang in there ME and seriously try the Pokemon Go therapy on your friend/relative. It gets them up and moving (It seems to be addictive) it gives them a reason to get out of bed and exercise and to socialize with other players. All these things ease depression. Most of my friends who play have lost weight, made new friends, are so much less depressed (the ones who were) and are getting over their social anxiety. One for instance who would never go and meet new people after playing since the inception went to a party (non Pokemon oriented) for the first time ever where there were strangers. She even enjoyed herself.

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    3. Hey Puppy Basket-

      I'm glad M.E. isn't depressed-I can understand that caring for someone who is, is exhausting.

      She does need to take care of herself.:)

      Yes-hang in there, M.E.!!!

      ~Vegas

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    4. M.E.'s post rings like a bell calling the deeper complexities of being weirdly wired. I hear longing in her words, desire for transformation sans violence and . . . well, not sure about the rest, but I do think she might be going through a rough patch that's not totally related to her difficult friend.

      Vegas is right. A pool party just might perk her up.

      Mr. Hyde

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    5. type: "a bell calling forth the deeper complexities of being weirdly wired."

      Hyde

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    6. I also think caring for difficult people is EXTREMELY difficult.

      Been there, still there, am still learning to cope.

      Hyde

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    7. To Mr. Hyde:

      "My little 'parnasse," responded Eponine, "you must have confidence in people."

      Victor Hugo - Les Miserables

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    8. Mr. Hyde-

      I completely agree, and I think a pool party would perk M.E. up!!!

      ~Vegas

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    9. Anon,

      CONfidence in people . . . uh huh.

      Just kidding.

      Mr. Hyde

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    10. Pool party guest list so far: Vegas, North, Superchick, Puppy Basket, Hyde.

      Let's make it a potluck. I'll bring the moose steaks and magic shrooms. You'll know it's me by the fake Charlie Chaplin mustache and bowler hat.

      Mr. Hyde

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    11. Mr. Hyde-

      "CONfidence in people . . . uh huh.

      Just kidding."

      That was good-you crack me up!!!

      ~Vegas

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    12. Mr. Hyde-

      PS-You listed me 1st, on the "Pool Party Guest List"!!!

      *****BLUSHING*****

      That was chivalrous of you, to list all of the ladies first.:)

      So far, it looks like you'll be surrounded by women.:)

      Magic shrooms???

      I've had some of those before.:)

      ~Vegas

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    13. Well, it was your idea after all.

      I LOVE being surrounded by beautiful women!!!

      I actually was kidding about the shrooms. I think partying with you all would be psychedelic enough.

      We could plan the revolution to emancipate the weirdly wired.

      Mr. Hyde

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    14. I'd like to be in as well! Maybe I can also bring my sociofriend. He is in a funk these past few months. He needs distraction. Not depressed per se but ruminating the same idea obsessively. Simmering anger. Revenge. To the point that it is almost no fun to be around him. A first, really.

      I think he is going through that mid thirty reset that ME talks about in her book. Triggered by environment. People expecting more from an early to mid thirty than they did from a twenty something.

      Puppy basket, did you go through something similar?

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    15. Trying to remember my mid thirties.... I went back to school and then changed occupations a few times did some traveling and learned so many new skills. I did get very ill there for a while too so I was pretty distracted. Not angry. Suggest going back to school for him. Learn a new language or travel. Pick up a new dangerous sport maybe like I did. Keeps you distracted. Remind him we do not care what others think of us. My roommate had his a bit early. Last few years and came out the other side around November-December. He changed careers and found a lovely lady finally and is doing great now. So there is another distraction. Form an honest relationship with someone who is compatible with a sociopath.

      I used to be very vengeance oriented until it was explained to me that dwelling on vengeance is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

      That what other people thought of me was none of my business.

      I refuse now to rent other people space in my head. People usually don't do things to you . They just do things and you may end up collateral damage. I still indulge from time to time. My brain wants me to WIN every single social situation. That is not life, not reality, I deal with another other sociopaths to see this mindset. They must win conversations, they must win social situations, we must be top dog and if we are denied or thwarted we want vengeance.
      Most of the time we don't even realize we are doing it. We were raised by a narc so conversation and any social interaction WAS a game. A game we always lost. You can't win an argument with a narc, ever. SO we carry this dynamic with us until we find a way to break the cycle. Until we do we will not be free. It has taken time and some social interactions are still a game for me but I can at least recognize that now. I am not invested in the outcome personally any more so it affords me freedom and I can detach. Hope that helps a bit Olds.

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    16. Mr. Hyde-

      No "Magic Shrooms" required.:)

      My friend and I were doing "knife hits" of weed, while we made our "Shroom Tea". Needless to say, the tea overboiled, and was too concentrated. We drank it, anyway.:) It wasn't pleasant to drink, we were WAY TOO HIGH (too high to even have any fun), and I'm surprised we didn't have to go to the emergency room. Thus, why I've only done "shrooms" once...

      HA!!! LOL!!!

      ~Vegas

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    17. Mr. Hyde-

      Will you do us the honor, of being our "Pool Party List Keeper"???

      If so, could you please add OldAndWise to the list???

      Also, I think Damaged might be planning on trying to make it, too.:)

      ~Vegas

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    18. Mr. Hyde-

      Oh, and could you add OldAndWise's sociofriend, too, while your at it???

      Thank You!!!

      ~Vegas

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    19. Puppy, thank you. Again. You are helping me. And my sociofriend if or when I can get through to him.

      You cannot win an argument with a narc. You, pb, are reeling from it, still. I can relate. I think you know my nieces and nephews are in the same boat. The - feelings - the narc has gives him the upper hand. The energy. You are numb. The narc is not.

      Feelings = energy

      ME has chosen to not be numb anymore. An uphill battle. A marathon. ME, you will reach the wall. Don't give up..

      PB, you have chosen to work with it. The numbness. The prefrontal cortex being the boss. You are very lucid. And you provide very insightful advice. Are you up for a marathon? I am not suggesting. Just askin'.

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  3. Lol. Sounds like ME has a boyfriend!

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    1. M.E.-

      I read your book!!!

      Are you writing, or planning to write another???

      I'm curious as to whether or not you ended up marrying the man, you mentioned possibly marrying, and having "Little M.E.'s" with...

      ~Vegas

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    2. M.E.-

      PS-I LOVED YOUR BOOK!!!

      We have so many similarities-I need to read it again.:)

      ~Vegas

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  4. "And I know that as much as I have improved over the past few years -- almost no manipulation, more in touch with my emotions, stronger sense of self and identity -- there are still things I probably won't ever be able to do -- affective empathy, strong emotional theory of mind, understanding subtle emotional cues, conforming more closely to social norms and expectations, etc. Or maybe I will, it will just take some future brain surgery and/or 50 years of training. We'll see."

    We're all limited by our individual quirks and quarks in some way.

    I realized the other day that as much progress as I've made to grow a 'colder skin' I will never be totally free of the emotional attachment I feel toward living beings, and the guilt I sometimes feel for not "giving enough." Intellectually, I know it's ridiculous, even somewhat narcissistic, to think that I must always be kind and giving; I recognize that I must change this part of myself because dwelling on one extreme or the other is not particularly useful or healthy.

    Many times I seriously wish I could not give a crap about certain situations or people, and envy the sociopath who does not grieve or care. This is where I think each end of the spectrum can help and 'impregnate' each other with opposite experiences and inculcate a balancing of traits. Without applied awareness and effort to detach, I think I'd quickly revert to my default position.

    Mr. Hyde

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    1. Mr Hyde,

      I think it's ok to feel whatever it is you feel at any time. The helpful thing is to recognise everything as transient, to not grasp.

      Some things are as natural to feel as being hot near fire and cold near ice.

      Alan Watts suggests attachment is best described by the slang term "hang up." It's about being stuck. This was a helpful idea for me. I don't think you need be cold, Mr Hyde. Please feel free to be who you are and not diminish that in any way.

      "This is where I think each end of the spectrum can help and 'impregnate' each other with opposite experiences and inculcate a balancing of traits."

      I agree. In relating to **-* lately, I see very clearly the amplitude of my emotional fluctuations. He's so steady in comparison. Somehow, this gives me insight into the origins of my fears and patterns and his patience has given me the opportunity to address them at the root.

      I don't despise my emotions. I want to work with them and resolve the strange dissonances I've carried from my childhood.

      It's wonderful to see from his behaviour that my fears of catastrophe that sometimes spike so sharply... well, perhaps they no longer have the grounds they did when I was a child.

      What I'm learning is to see I always have choices. Fears arise when I feel trapped - but I'm not *actually* trapped anywhere near so often as I have perceived.

      One thing I need to get much better at is respecting his boundaries when I am upset. And I think I can do that. He has been respecting mine.

      Sorry to digress a bit on this point. My manager praised me during a project audit for quickly identifying where a client was trying to take us for a ride and effectively pushing back. It's true: I'm very good at that. What I'm learning now is to apply this in my personal life; that is, understanding what is at stake for myself, understanding what it is I want, understanding more of my social environment and what others' positions are. My psychologist last year mentioned I should take interpersonal skills from work and apply them at home. This is a clear case of my finally learning to do that.

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    2. Hey North, How you doing? Writing? I hope so!

      As my friend once said, It's the record one leaves behind that counts. :)

      Thank you for the in-depth reply. I'll respond in detail tomorrow -- just took a tab of melatonin and I'm getting sleepy.

      First off though: I don't feel any guilt whatsoever for feeling anything, light, dark or in-between. All feelings are completely natural, a natural consequence of being human, a being of flesh and blood. That's not what hangs me up. One thing is that so MANY folks are suffering, emotionally bleeding out all over the place. Seriously. When I open myself up while riding the bus, there's a good chance I'll get zinged by somebody's pain and alienation. And I fucking hate that I can't possibly alleviate it all without depleting myself to the point of dysfunction. Course, there's more angles I could and will discuss. But the tab I took is damping down my brain -- I haven't been sleeping much for weeks, months, actually. And have resorted to melatonin.

      Works better than I thought it would and beats sleeping pills.

      Hyde

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    3. Hello Mr Hyde,

      Did you sleep well? I hope so - nothing beats good sleep :)

      I ought to have asked what you meant. I understand what you mean now, at least a little. i will wait to hear from you again before I ask more questions, though, as I'm interested in the fullness of your preferred angle on the subject.

      Mr Hyde, I haven't been writing and it's too my detriment. Without writing, my explorations puzzle me. I order my cognitions by writing them, and I acknowledge myself.

      It's good to ask the questions we have. It's better to do this in a way that honours ourselves and others. And it's best to have patience. That's my current journey.

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    4. Hi North,

      Unfortunately, I did not sleep well or for very long. It's getting on my nerves, this nocturnal wakefulness which lacks the focus to create. Oh well. At least my cat keeps me entertained.

      My preferred angle on the topic is that:

      a) I cherish all of my feelings. Without them I could not make art, soar to heaven on butterfly wings.

      b) It's OK to feel whatever, so long as I pause before acting and don't get stuck in a rut or use my emotions to justify anything. (Getting mired in depression has been an issue.)

      c) Am able to detach when necessary.

      d) Channel my emotions appropriately.

      Given who I am by default, the above list has been a real struggle. I tend to get overwhelmed by sorrow or horror at the state of the world and those feelings either paralyze or enrage me, depending. I can burst into tears or anger simply by being sparked by a sight, sound, smell or touch. Bullies set me off like you wouldn't believe -- I can barely control myself and often wind up barging into situations. When that happens, I automatically go into 'rescue mode.' Usually on a verbal level, but not always.

      As well, I find that when certain feelings take hold, I really don't give a crap what harm comes to myself. Some part of my brain shouts, Today is as good as any to die. Better to go out full of passion, fully alive.

      This is not to my benefit. ;)

      People I know high on the spectrum have no problem drawing their personal boundaries, at least in terms of being able to say NO. Saying NO to others has also been a life-long struggle, but I'm finally there for the most part. I now feel no guilt at all telling people who are intruding on my time and energy to go fly a kite -- except for two family members with whom I am very close. And one of them is a real handful. A drama person, always getting involved in a crisis of some sort and then seeks me out to vent ad nauseam, ranting for literally hours on end. Which drives me absolutely nuts.

      As for your situation with **-*, I really don't know what to say. The emotional bond you seem to experience with this person appears to me to be of the sort that no one but you can decipher. Obviously this person has sparked deep changes and thoughtful introspections in you. That can only be a good thing.

      Mr. Hyde

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    5. Hello Mr Hyde,

      Thankyou for writing as you do.

      You have vision for yourself, and, it seems, for others too. Vision, Mr Hyde, is what gives direction and creates the path.

      Some part of my brain shouts, Today is as good as any to die. Better to go out full of passion, fully alive.
      Yes, I can understand this. I am also learning the value of the middle way, of moving in from extremes as you wrote earlier. There is always a plateau to be found.

      Rescue mode. There are reasons it is strong in you Mr Hyde, perhaps to your detriment now as you suggest. Still, the journey continues and it's mercy for ourselves that teaches us to plot our best courses.

      I'm glad to read you have learnt to say NO. Choice. We remake our mind with our choices and this is our liberty. I'm learning every day to embrace my choices. I have felt that my soul would crumble with choice. But choice is good! Choice is self-expression!

      I cherish all of my feelings. Without them I could not make art, soar to heaven on butterfly wings.
      A delicate impossibility, which in its expression is a near-achievement; it's own form of evoking joy.

      *****

      My young son loves a girl. Sitting at the dinner table, he dropped his knife and fork and said he felt ill. Why? "Because I think I hurt someone." They had fought. Rather than being purely angry as he has been these last few years, he managed to express his fear. He slept straight away and in the morning, I combed his hair and held him in my lap. I explained that I had done something to a friend. I went to my friend, looked in his eyes and said I'm sorry. I wanted my son to understand by example that he can solve his own problems and that I'd be there for him 100%.

      Having conversations about what it is we each want and need - this is so new to me. Apologising for transgressing on someone's time or boundaries. Agreeing on approach. Why am I learning these good behaviours with a psychopath? I don't know (maybe because it's a necessity!!!), but I know I've never related to anyone like this before and it feels much better. I'm glad I can pass these lessons on to my sons.

      **-* is like a play-mate: I feel like a young child playing with a friend, something I didn't do as a child. When I look back on my history with him, it was always this. He woke that playful, innocent, curious, creative child in me. That part of me is more alive now and in more contexts, with more people. How he did this I can't comprehend. His own child-like nature, I suppose. In one second, we can be perfectly serious; the next purely playful, and perhaps that style of playfulness feels safe and natural to me. Yes, that's how it is. That's how he sparked the deepest and richest parts of me into life.

      This is not something that will fall over or collapse should he disappear. These are new pathways on firmer ground in my soul. And it's not only with him that I'm developing. I have a much better social network these days, which is contributing significantly.

      Yes, I need to find a place to write again. I need to keep writing. Thanks for listening Mr Hyde.

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    6. North,

      You are most easy and enjoyable to listen to.

      I wish to share something with you that relates to your comments about how **-* "woke that playful, innocent, curious, creative child in me."

      I came under the spell of someone a few years back who is high on the spectrum but middle functioning, i.e. no M.E. by any stretch. Still, he was fairly bright, funny, creative and possessed a raw and bloody sense of humor, which I rather like. It was very rough period in my life and I was deeply depressed. It wasn't long into our friendship before he began to target me with flattery and playful banter . . . what I realize now is that, in fact, his compliments were in large part true statements. He saw my _strengths_ as well as weaknesses and mirrored them back to me with a laser-like intensity. After several months I began to see my creative strengths again more powerfully than ever before. My inner daemon _is_ amazing (least to me)and he tickled it back from the brink, right before he pulled the trigger on our friendship in the most unforgiveable way possible, by putting my life in danger.

      The point is this: I think it just as likely that sociopathic mirroring can unearth and reflect back to us our repressed gifts, too. In other words, socios don't just mirror our weaknesses but our strengths as well.

      Perhaps your friend holds up a mirror to your creative self that you yourself cannot always clearly see. It seems to me that you can't awaken what isn't already innately there. So don't give him _too_ much credit for getting in touch with your playful side: he's not the gifted writer. You are.

      As for my rescuing escapades, I am much better than I once was. Now my own oxygen mask goes on first. If I see some asshole abusing a woman on the street, I make sure to count to ten while biting the inside of my cheek before doing anything. I tell myself that when my stories come out and I've got the money, I'll hire some locals to patrol the hood to keep the ladies safe. By deferring heroic gratification for even a minute or so, I can tell myself that it's OK to live to fight another day.

      I'm glad to hear you're developing a social network that nurtures you. You're on your way, and I look forward to one day reading your work.

      Mr. Hyde

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    7. Thankyou Mr Hyde for the rainbows you paint. You have a great gift of vision and tenderness... hard-won it seems, too, which makes the more palpable and relatable.

      Thanks again for sharing your story. I absorb your narrative and the life that floods your words.

      We are each the tendrils of the continuing process of the universe. We can each bring our own form and energy to shape that expansion. I think you do this in an aware and full-blooded fashion and it inspires me.

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    8. North hello. I'm the anon who has chatted with you on and off. I just wanted to thank you again for reminding me that we can be ourselves. Sometimes I need the proverbial bitch slap to knock me out of my hysteria. ;-)Iihave felt such a change in myself. I have allowed myself to accept some really not pretty things. Why I ever tried to accept them before-i don't know. I feel like I have slowly backed my way out of a room. And I agree with Mr Hyde.DDon't give anyone else too much credit. All of those good things are yours and they were always there. I wish I could tell you my story in person. Its very long and involved. Very! I can't imagine writing it. But I think it's probably much like yours in many ways. It wasn't my first go around with this person and they were determined to hurt me in every way possible. They probably still are. They are relentless. Frighteningly empty. They were also my friend for many years. I absolutely wish you the best. You are a special person. Just please don't lose sight that some people have nothing real to give in return.

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    9. Hmmmm let me add - what they give may have value. But it is only because you give it value. From what I have experienced the only thing they genuinely give is pain and bullshit. And plenty of it.

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    10. Hi Anon, it's nice to hear from you again. Thanks very much for your words; I'm taking them very seriously and have pondered them today.

      Your post reminded me of the Boxtrolls movie - the scene in which Eggs encourages the Boxtrolls to escape.

      Stand up for yourselves, we can fight back. Don't be afraid anymore. Get up! get up! get up! Fight! Just stand up and take a step See Boxtrolls at 1hr10min

      I know the prison for me was very much in my own mind and I held the key without knowing it... And this ties in to what you have written; that it is we who give experiences the value we perceive.

      I think this is a key concept for me.

      Actually, I can't help but think it applies to everything in life: "there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." It's simply that most other people are empathetic and wired for collaboration and we feel connections.

      Other parties don't necessarily experience a relationship in the way we do.

      But to me, feeling connection is new. Very new. With my rugby team this year, I learnt to belong. The girls, the club, is like a family and playing because I belong is radically more fulfilling than playing to prove my own existence through sheer intensity. It's the quality and richness of these experiences that deepen my growth and my social roots so I don't need or want to give him my heart again.

      But I'm not ready for deeper relationships. Community is enough for me at the moment - in fact that's as much as I can handle. I have so much growing to do, so much learning. And I need a great deal of space.

      Feel free to email me any time at north.spinning.scenarios [AT] G Mail. COM. I know what you mean by involved! and the pertinent points are often such minor details that only create a picture as an aggregate and at some distance. So difficult to explain! But if you ever feel like writing, feel free. I find, for myself, that writing is the best way to crystallise my self-awareness and to progress - and sometimes it works best writing to someone who gets it.

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    11. North thank you. I think people like you and I sometimes don't know or maybe don't even want to admit that we have things that others want. Its not just that they don't have much to give in return-its that they take so much-and many times without us even noticing. Its a fact that I have had to become aware. We can reinvigorate ourselves but it can be so very strenuous. Its easy to slip away. I think it's very cool that you play rugby. It must be a good way to stay grounded.

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    12. North, "We are each the tendrils of the continuing process of the universe. We can each bring our own form and energy to shape that expansion. I think you do this in an aware and full-blooded fashion and it inspires me."

      Thank you, North. That was beautifully put.

      Ditto. We're all tendrils stretching toward the singularity of evolution.

      Mr. Hyde

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    13. We can actually reflect back the good as well as the bad. I do it every day. It is why people are drawn to me I think. Once you make the shift to reflecting back positivism and finding the worth in another person and showing it to them. The best flattery is the honest flattery.I use it for both good and not so good though. Still working on that.

      Most people are very under confident. The media tells us if we are not perfect like the models and movie stars we are nothing. We need to be famous, we need to be important, we need those five minutes of fame or we are nothing. Commercials and society tell girls they are not beautiful enough to sell make up they tell boys they smell bad to sell that hideous AXE perfume. If we just buy the right car and work out at this health club and wash our clothes with this detergent and drink the correct coke or be we will suddenly become famous and rich and sexy and...well you know the rest.

      The media beats us down. Society shaped by the media adds to it. But everyone has something special about them. The neat thing about being a psychopath is that I can spot it within a few minutes of talking to you. I can spot your weakness, but I can also spot your passion, I can read your strengths and desires. It is up to me to attack or uplift. For the most part I uplift. I get you talking about what you love and mirror that passion back to you. So many other sociopaths ask why I help instead of harm and for the life of me I cannot tell you why except I made a choice long ago and committed to it and well here we are.

      They don't understand why I do something without getting a reward but I do get something back many times. The person comes back and tells me how their life got better. That gives it worth. That gives me worth. Second hand worth but I will take what I can get.

      North and Mr. Hyde when you two interact your words become poetry, inspiration, and hope. I think that is the lesson that everyone can become more if we push a spotlight onto them and tell we believe in them. Some times you just need one bastard behind you screaming "Kick life in the Nads my son!" when you are having doubts.

      I am going to bed now as I seem to be in an odd state of mind.

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    14. PB,

      You are amazing. A model for all socios on the path everywhere.

      Mr. Hyde

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    15. hey puppy basket, you said you uplift people because of a choice you made once... was this like you said to yourself, from this moment you won't harm people anymore? Or was it more like a gradual process and you weren't aware of the change at this time?

      alice

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  5. Alas no song lyrics we must fix that.

    Heathens
    twenty one pilots

    Lyrics
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    Welcome to the room of people
    Who have rooms of people that they loved one day
    Docked away
    Just because we check the guns at the door
    Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades
    You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you
    You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you
    You'll think, how'd I get here, sitting next to you?
    But after all I've said, please don't forget

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    We don't deal with outsiders very well
    They say newcomers have a certain smell
    Yeah, I trust issues, not to mention
    They say they can smell your intentions
    You're lovin' on the freakshow sitting next to you
    You'll have some weird people sitting next to you
    You'll think "how did I get here, sitting next to you?"
    But after all I've said, please don't forget
    (Watch it, watch it)

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    (Watch it)
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    (Watch it)
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    (Watch it)
    Wait for them to ask you who you know

    Why'd you come, you knew you should have stayed
    I tried to warn you just to stay away
    And now they're outside ready to bust
    It looks like you might be one of us

    ReplyDelete
  6. Alas no song lyrics we must fix that.

    Heathens
    twenty one pilots

    Lyrics
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    Welcome to the room of people
    Who have rooms of people that they loved one day
    Docked away
    Just because we check the guns at the door
    Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades
    You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you
    You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you
    You'll think, how'd I get here, sitting next to you?
    But after all I've said, please don't forget

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    We don't deal with outsiders very well
    They say newcomers have a certain smell
    Yeah, I trust issues, not to mention
    They say they can smell your intentions
    You're lovin' on the freakshow sitting next to you
    You'll have some weird people sitting next to you
    You'll think "how did I get here, sitting next to you?"
    But after all I've said, please don't forget
    (Watch it, watch it)

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    Please don't make any sudden moves
    You don't know the half of the abuse

    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    (Watch it)
    Wait for them to ask you who you know
    (Watch it)
    All my friends are heathens, take it slow
    (Watch it)
    Wait for them to ask you who you know

    Why'd you come, you knew you should have stayed
    I tried to warn you just to stay away
    And now they're outside ready to bust
    It looks like you might be one of us

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Puppy Basket-

      Thanks for the tunes-I LOVE THAT SONG!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    2. Also added it to my playlist,
      Appreciated

      -Cnaym

      Delete
    3. I seem to have double postism disease again.

      Delete
  7. I just don't get why you'd actually care that much to change from sociopathy to the point where you would deal with someone like that.

    I dunno, maybe it's different for me as a nihilist. I don't eat meat, but it's kind of an ingrained habit that I feel like I can't change even though it's a decision I made a long time ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is not so much a matter of caring or changing. I was a caregiver to relatives to family members out of duty. Part of my code is duty to those that are family and friends so I provide care as needed. Still a sociopath.

      Delete
    2. Hey Puppy Basket-

      I admire your code.:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    3. Youre not a sociopath. Youre a pussy

      Delete
    4. Anon @ 1:30-

      Are you talking to Puppy Basket or Vegas?

      Delete
    5. Anon at 130 pm is addressing PB, I believe. Heshe knows PB has a magical Yoni, powerful beyond his her will or Strength and thus lashes out.

      Trite. Yawn.

      Delete
    6. Oh noes a faceless troll on the internet has once again attempt to hurt the feelings I don't have. GASP whatever shall I do? Yo dipshit UP YO GAME! I spend time on Menist/ racist and feminist blogs posting under my real actual name. At least give me a death threat or something. U boring dawg.

      Delete
    7. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    8. Anon @ 8:04-

      I had to Google "Yoni".:)

      I bet Puppy Basket does have a "Magical Yoni"!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    9. Puppy Basket-

      I like your sense of humor.:)

      Is your "yoni" magical???

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    10. I had to google Yoni too. Yup pure magic.

      Delete
    11. I had to google Yoni too. Yup pure magic.

      Delete
    12. Puppy Basket-

      I like it, when you say "yup".:)

      I had a feeling, that your "yoni is pure magic".:)

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  8. I think two things are essential to live an emotionally healthy & truly moral life: you need to feel understood and you need to be able to trust someone other than yourself - one other person at least.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "The Cirkle" is an invite-only private community with a.o. real-time chat channels for successful and/or highly functioning sociopaths/psychopaths. The aim is to meet others, educate each other and discuss the alien world we were all born into and have to navigate like a chameleon.. a world which is dominantly occupied by creatures who outwardly look exactly like us, but internally operate on hardware which is wired completely different as compared to our hardware.

    "We Are, Thát's The Question." Send an email to cirk [at] protonmail [dot] com to request an invite.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "And I know that as much as I have improved over the past few years -- almost no manipulation, more in touch with my emotions, stronger sense of self and identity -- there are still things I probably won't ever be able to do -- affective empathy, strong emotional theory of mind, understanding subtle emotional cues, conforming more closely to social norms and expectations, etc. Or maybe I will, it will just take some future brain surgery and/or 50 years of training. We'll see."

    There's nothing wrong with you M.E. Absolutely nothing.

    I wish I had half of your hardwiring upstairs. Seriously. I do admire how you can regulate your emotions quick and bounce back quicker than the average empath. Also you get the fucken job done because NO emotional stuff is attached to work I bet. Cognitive empathy, cognitive compassion and being cognitively logical have far more lasting results than staying in the emotional empathy for far too long. We glorify being empathetic as a society. Why?

    Things will change - and there will not be stigma attached to the term "sociopaths." At the same time I'm glad your trying to be in touch with your emotional side. But when you do know that the average sociopath benefits far more than the average empath. You'll feel it and want to address it. An empath feels it and stays in it for far too long. M.E. you can teach me about this balance far more than I can teach myself. I do try though to not feel as deeply. Like turn my mind quicker.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Spelling error

    I meant

    But know that the average sociopath benefits far more than the average empath.

    You'll feel it inside and want to address it.

    An empath feels it and stays in it for far too long.

    M.E. you can teach me about this balance far more than I can teach myself.

    I do try to not feel as deeply. Like turn my mind quicker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Superchick-

      Puppy Basket said she thinks M.E.'s party wouldn't be a party without you and I, and I agree!!!

      You'll be able to talk to M.E., just like in your dream, and we can exchange contact information.:)

      IT'LL BE FUN!!!

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    2. Hey Vegas morning beautiful

      When is this pool party? Where? When? Has M.E. announced this on a post. I'm just a little kinda confused. Lol

      ;)

      Delete
    3. Hey Superchick-

      I like it, when you call me "beautiful".:)

      *****BLUSHING*****

      I think you are beautiful, too.:)

      When I started reading M.E.'s book, and she mentioned her pool, the "Pool Party" idea came to mind.:)

      She hasn't actually confirmed that she'll have one-it was "naughty" of me, to bring it up...

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    4. Vegas, Have you seen ME in the documentary Psychopath Night? ME is captured on film at home, poolside. Very nice place for a cooling dip.

      Mr. Hyde

      Delete
    5. Hey Superchick-

      I was thinking about how you wondered, what I look like.:)

      I decided to ask my husband, what famous person he thought I looked most like, and he said "Demi Moore-pre surgery".:)

      I was surprised, because I wouldn't have thought that, myself. In thinking about it, I understand why he said that-my facial features and body type, are similar to hers.:)

      I thought "WOW-SHE'S HOT!!!"

      I loved her in "Indecent Proposal".:) I also think my personality has many similarities to hers, in that movie.:)

      Will you ask your "hubs", what "famous person", he thinks you look most like???

      ~Vegas

      Delete
  12. Thank you for sharing valuable information. Nice post. I enjoyed reading this post.


    defend your nuts 2 | happy wheels | cat mario | bloons tower defense 5

    ReplyDelete
  13. "First off though: I don't feel any guilt whatsoever for feeling anything, light, dark or in-between. All feelings are completely natural, a natural consequence of being human, a being of flesh and blood."

    Mr. Hyde,

    I believe that V. Hugo's 'Parnasse would agree.

    Mont'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Speaking of Parnasse, Where are you? I miss your omnipotent mind.

    SW is just not the same with you gone. Pay us a visit, Parnasse and let us know how you're doing.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
  15. Here's what I'd prescribe if I were a doctor... I'd ask you to come in my office. I'd give you a cup of coffee and make sure you feel all cozy and what not, after that I'd ask you to perform some physical exercises to loosen up. Get down on the floor and bend over until your mouth reaches your groin area. If male (you have a penis) put it in your mouth, if female, just try your best. After that I'd take the nearest shotgun and blow your head off, and let the pieces of your ugly mug slide down your bloody shaft and buttox.

    With all that in order, I'd have treated my first patient and I would say great success! Thank you, good night.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have anger issues. There are a lot of things that piss me off. Simply not being mad is far too difficult to pull off so instead I choose to stop being angry about one thing every week. Usually it's something that happens often, something I can't do anything about and has little bearing in my life (i.e. crowded busses). I allow myself to be angry as I need with everything else, but check myself on that one thing. I find that the more I do this the less everything else tends to bother me. I also have a bit more mental energy left at the end of the day.

    The same applies with my daily habits. Pick one positive habit, like flossing your teeth daily. After a few weeks add another and so on. download a habit tracker app to mark your progress.

    Few people, if any, will notice your progress. You might not even see it most times, but eventually you hit a tipping point and become a more effective person. Just keep all of your changes small and manageable.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "And I know that as much as I have improved over the past few years -- almost no manipulation, more in touch with my emotions, stronger sense of self and identity -- there are still things I probably won't ever be able to do -- affective empathy, strong emotional theory of mind, understanding subtle emotional cues, conforming more closely to social norms and expectations, etc. Or maybe I will, it will just take some future brain surgery and/or 50 years of training. We'll see."

    I feel for you. I've met people who genuinely care so much for others, even over matters which seem so trivial to me, and I wonder: is it possible for me to ever be like that? I admire this but I recognize it's something missing in me. I mean well but I don't have this innate desire or need to care so much about most people I meet and it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being a better person...but I guess this is good guilt. It pushes you to do something.

    ReplyDelete
  18. SW . . . ghost town. What happened to ME?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Everyone's having sex . . .

    ReplyDelete
  20. With their alters? Lol.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm afraid of sociopaths and have had to have therapists remind me that you can be trained out of your sociopathy, probably so I wouldn't be afraid of you. But what's very ironic is that my dream was to use biofeedback to help sociopaths, and whatever other problems it could (bladder control being one of them!). Interestingly, my high emotional sensitivity/extreme empathy has been sort of deadened via derealization and its resulting emotional numbness. Now that I only express emotions without feeling them, I feel like I can empathize with sociopaths...if, that is, I were able to feel compassion! Ironic! Maybe the greatest gift is to be able to feel compassion rather than fear by experiencing it temporarily. It's fucking terrible tbh. I wanted to kill myself just for not being able to feel empathy alone --- nevermind pleasure! Both lead to me freaking out and now I realize how this can benefit me in the future. I won't have to be afraid of sociopaths. I know I retain all the same morals and ethics because I was born pretty sensitive and that's wired into me, but who would I have been if I was always endowed with this numbness? Purely money-hungry and pragmatic and selfish all the time. AND manipulative, something I was pretty shitty at most of my life. It leads me to see it really is a DISORDER people have. It was something I wanted to fix in people, but you say you value it. It's nice to not have to feel as though someone's difference is something to be fixed -- no one should feel disabilities should inherently be fixed unless a person wants it fixed. I learned from The Sociopath Next Door that they are really good at blending in -- they aren't all murderers but they make great CEOs! So obviously it shouldn't be vilified because it certainly terrified my R-OCD-having self.

    ReplyDelete

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