Thursday, May 7, 2015

Discovering oneself

From a reader:

I'm just beginning to truly discover myself in my thirties. Funny how lying to the self can take so long to capture. Anyway, there is an interesting interview online that discusses how to spot us on a very different level than most anti-sociopath websites. I thought you might and enjoy it and share it with others as a means to educate them on how not to behave when confronted with disillusionment. Best wishes and thank you for keeping up your website. It's been with utmost pleasure that I revisit it.


32 comments:

  1. Interesting interview.

    I was the 'bad seed' in my family (a sibling still appears to like to cast me in that role - they were the 'good one' growing up and are probably still viewed that way). However, I continued to attempt to gain my father's love until well into my late teens. I continued to make excuses for my ex-best friend's behaviours until much later. Luckily, I somehow developed a strong sense of 'who I am' and the lines I won't cross by my early teens, but perhaps (ironically) that makes me too a narcissist.

    After my father died (with one last magnificent manipulation that I really should have seen coming), I was left with a lot of rage. Heading for explosion number three unless I did something about it. Since I've no particular desire to hurt people who don't first hurt me, and I take my promises seriously, that wasn't acceptable. So I found a way to 'switch off' my father and all emotions associated with him. So far no explosion.

    Developing my 'off switch' was what later helped me break free of the other unhealthy relationships in my life. I never thought of myself as having particularly good intuition with regard to people (I'm not bad at figuring out how things work), but I found the solution on my own. I advised friends and family that I was no longer going to tolerate being told I was wrong just because I was different. I was going to be blunt. I was going to be different. I was going to be me. Then I watched our interactions from the outside.

    A family member made conscious effort to accommodate the idea that my wants and needs differed from theirs and were not necessarily wrong just because of that. They got to stay in my life (whoopee for them - I'm still not sure it's best for them but it appears to be what they want).

    The ex-best friend carried on as usual. I cut them out of my life and then I held up my magnifying mirror. Major hissy fit. Very funny to watch with the emotions switched off. After that they no longer tried to contact me.

    Extreme? Sure. But it was the only way to break free of the co-dependent cycle. I just have to watch myself to make sure I don't go too far the other way (I don't have middle gears) :D

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    1. SOmething tells me maybe you already went too far.

      Are you the youngest child in the family?

      You reminded me of my sister. In her effort to act who she is she basically proved to be deep into narcissism while providing no value to others, as she cannot she beyond her own needs. In teh process she gave us all the best excuses to keep away from her now that she was saying she doesn't need us anymore. What a relief to distance from a needy, narcissistic sibling. I imagine she's now learning who she is to the point that she justifies every isolation in her life from family members to friends. Swinging in extreme opposite to deal with codependence is how beepers are created. I just feel sad for the offsprings as those are the easiest target to stick to till one day they also wake up and realize the damage by the 'bad seed.'

      Sad.

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    2. Nope - I simply say "I am not you. I am me. Don't attempt to stuff me into your pigeonhole because I am not attempting to stuff you into mine. Don't attempt to use/abuse me because I won't let you."

      In other words, my attitude towards other people is "treat me as you yourself wish to be treated". That's not unreasonable. That's also no different to what my attitude was before I broke free. I just enforce it more stringently now. Drives beepers up the wall, by the way. Narcissists too. Very effective defence mechanism as (spot the relevance in the OP interview) it makes them light up beautifully.

      NB I am not your sister. I am me. There was a reason those two phrases were used in inverted commas. See if you can guess it.

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    3. You need to read your defensive statement again. Nobody said you were either me or my sister. You made it all about you. You were only asked one question after a potential one line observation.

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    4. And you also made a statement, which preceded said question. I answered that statement, clarifying my attitude post-break. The NB answered the paragraph where you said I reminded you of your sister. I make room for the possibility that both of us misunderstood each other (I often forget to clarify when I use the word 'you' in the generic sense, which I agree can make it appear personal; your reply appeared written in haste/high emotion due to the typos, which made projection a distinct possibility) ;)

      Delete
  2. The percentage of sociopaths is not 3%. It is at least 50%. You need to know how to spot it.

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  3. The label means nothing. It's just a label. It's what people do that matters. Including you and me.

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  4. My girlfriend thinks I wouldn't care if she left. I disagree in the fact that I know I would care. I would care like I care if I were to accidentally drop this coffee cup I am drinking. I would probably look at it and think about the money I spent. Feel a little sad inside that I didn't get to finish drinking and how much longer I could have enjoyed it. Then id sigh and leave this starbucks to my job. RIP coffee cup

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    1. Sir, I am shocked! Shocked and outraged at such cold, heartless thoughts!
      After all, everyone knows a REAL man would sob uncontrollably and be utterly devastated if their girlfriend even hinted at something as unmentionable as her leaving.

      Lol!
      You are another cliche.

      My advice? If she keeps nagging and accusing you of not caring, so you would jump and try to appease her, get another girlfriend.

      If you genuinely see her as nothing but another (for now) useful possession, you should get another girlfriend.

      You kinda see where I'm going here, don't you?

      Life is too short to spend with someone you don't really give a fuck about.

      Delete
    2. Socio Next DoorMay 8, 2015 at 3:32 AM

      Some anon has been on the attack recently. Is this your idea of fun. I liked the coffee analogy as most of with guy friends have seen them be devastated after a break up. Whatever, keep having fun.

      Delete
    3. Douche Next Door! What a pleasure to see your pansy ass whining about me "attacking" again ;)

      Delete
  5. Best soundtracks to socio-theme movies: Donovan´s Hurdy Gurdy Man (from Zodiac) and Nick Cave song Red Right Hand (from Scream)? "Good olde" creepy tunes, can spook even "beady eye folks". Even the "Bee Keeper" may get shivers from this, its a possibility. Murky, dark stuff..

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  6. The "rich folks" reality tv shows imported to europe from the US are disappointingly short of socipaths or narcissus-characters. Mostly the people involved only seem to be "inflated" by being on tv & riding around luxury-SUV:s talking about getting laundry or golf stuff. What kind of crap is that? Even the "home-made" shows (rich scandinavians living in the states) have more "nasty witches" starring than the genuine stuff. What were they thinking?

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  7. Somewhat interesting interview. However Ross Rosenberg, by his own admission, does not work with narcissists and sociopaths. He only sees them through the lenses of the codependents he treats. So his perspective may be valid, but it I far from complete.

    Btw, what is the difference between a narcissist (covert or not) and a sociopath?
    Some people on this site seem to be glamorizing sociopathy and really disparage narcissist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The generally recognized difference (as far as the condition is recognized at all) seems to be that sociopaths don't truly give a crap what society makes of them but that narcissists are very invested in that perceived image. And by that I mean internally, not what they present to the outside.

      This is why I say the labels aren't important - it's what people do that matters. 'Normal' people manipulate and lie too: the outrage, seen from the outside, appears mostly to lie in the fact that sociopaths are a lot better at it (SD's Devil's Advocate has got loose again ;) than 'normal' people). Narcissists the same, although generally easier to spot and a recognized condition.

      As to why sociopaths seem to pick on narcissists, it could be "This town ain't big enough for the both of us" or just plain mischief. Narcissists are notoriously easy to trigger, as noted in the posted interview, because of their investment in their own image. Tribalism likely lies at the root, as it does with many human behaviours, but there is co-morbidity present in Cluster B personalities.

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    2. Good point Old & Wise, I really believe there is some sort of injury in the ego that happens with fullblown narcissm. But none the less we need healthy narcissm in our lives. When the balance gets thwarted and it jumps to another dimension of pathological -- that's when they need help. But clearly some don't see it in themselves - they deflect & project like a mirror back because of the delicate ego their trying to falsely protect themselves.

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    3. Why does it say 448 am when it's 748am

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    4. :) Is that a blond joke, Superchick?

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  8. Great interview.

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  9. Disilusionment is wonderful. Only the disillusioned person can see the truth
    that there is no "you" to be disillustioned.

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  10. sociopaths hate women if u have a girlfriend you are disgusting and cannot join our club of sociopaths

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  11. If Hannibal is the "icon" for opera upper-level psychos isn´t snake-booted Rusty Nail the challenger in the blue-collar corner? The voice over the radio is something special, it captures some sort of "smug cocky confidence" not surpassed anywhere else in the fictive socio universe..

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  12. One day I will be free of my mind and ego.
    One day I wont have to worry about myself anymore.
    One day I will be dead. When this day comes my corpse will become food for fungus, worms and bacterias.
    One day I will be free of this life of trying to make my ego happy.
    One day I wont have to see myself telling myself to make the world a mirror of myself.
    One day I will be much more happy as dead than alive.
    Hopefully if there is reincarnation I will be lucky to be born in a normal supportive family in a developed country. Instead of being born in the shit hole i was born in a third world country where my family is fulll of sociopaths and psychos.
    If there is a god hear my cries and i beg to let me live a good life in the next incarnation.

    Isnt life full of dark humor?

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    Replies
    1. If you pull the trigger you will be set free of this disgraceful world called earth populated with God's mistake called humanity. After death we go to the void there our consciousness continues to exist by creating a new reality based on what you believe that would happen after dying. If its reincarnation that will be it if its heaven that will be it if its just void that will be it. Good luck

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  13. I've learned a lot reading thru this forum. However, my comment is more a question. How and when did you first realize you had sociopathic behaviors? I'm trying to come to terms with myself.

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  14. I'm the one that sent the link to M.E. And... It took me years of being called "crazy" by people. I knew I was different since childhood. I was getting into all sorts of mischief. When I was four, my mother found me hanging completely out of a ten-story window because I wanted to prove I was braver than the boys. In second grade, I led an entire "revolution" against the school policy that each grade must stay on to floor. I had snuck up earlier to the 3rd grade floor and found the drinking water was clear and cool (ours was off color and warm as piss). So I went from child to child in my class and organized a coup d'├ętat. The teachers were outraged and the principal called my parents (whose own personalities reflect mine). In middle school, I was suspended for handing out blank cartridges to boys (I had stolen them from my father's friend). In high school I played chicken on train tracks, shop-lifted for the kicks, and snuck into my school to steal tests and distribute them to the kids. In college, I became heavily involved in the rave scene, got into a shitload of trouble. Then 911 happened and I saw the opportunity to join the Army. I loved war. Loved the bullets flying past me in Iraq and the bombs exploding. This is all outlined in a book I wrote - "Years Becoming. The Novelized Memoir of a Veteran Harlot." My "coming out" and realizing I had this "problem," as normal people say, came this year... I'll explain that in a bit. Time for work.

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  15. Witchcraft is not welcome in our fatherland our Queen want us to burn witches that compels people to betray our loved land. Our nation believe in the social darwinism law of superiority. When you are getting your husband back with spells his hearth is no longer with the fatherland interests it is with his egoistical ego. The Queen would be ashamed you have to give yourself in for the fatherland!

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  16. Wannabe sociopaths... you're nothing

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    ReplyDelete

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