Thursday, May 9, 2019

Seeing things as they really are

I've recently been having to sort of explain sociopaths to normal people a little more frequently. It's funny because normal people are really quick to kind of want to know not just about sociopaths objectively, but also want to know how they should feel about sociopaths. Like is it woke to be pro-sociopath? Remove the stigma? Or is there danger? I feel like everyone wants to know what should be the overall take from sociopaths. And it keeps catching me off guard. Because especially in the past couple years all I've been doing is trying to meet and understand sociopaths, the same way I might watch and try to understand leopards as an animal researcher or something. I don't form judgments. I notice how they operate and their strengths and weaknesses, but I don't really think "what's the general take away about leopards?" Nor do I feel like I have to sort of justify their existence or have any sort of reaction (much less emotional) about the fact of their existence. They just are a fact, is sort of how I want to respond.

And I think even if you eventually wanted to come up with some normative suggestion or application of what you learn about sociopaths, it's probably good to spend at least some time just observing objectively, to really understand before you jump to any conclusions.

I felt like this reader did a good job of this:

This feels risky because I don't feel I can trust a sociopath now that I have met one.

I don't know your name, I don't suppose it really matters.

I just came out of a 15 month relationship with a sociopath. I had no idea that was what he was until after the relationship ended and I only really feel confirmed in my non-clinical diagnosis after reading your book.

I had to do digging after he initially, flippantly broke up with me over the phone after being so loving and kind for 15 months, and then called back a few days later and swore he wasn't seeing anyone else and wanted to re-visit the situation when he returned to town, and THEN proceeded to block my calls and texts. He had given me details of his mom's illness. And he had started a private Facebook account.

Through his mom's Facebook and one photo she had and tagged him in I found his "newish" relationship (started before he broke up with me) and the fact that his mom wasn't. Through his sister's Facebook I found the woman who was sick. I reached out to both. The new relationship was very new but I was quick to realize that every trip away during the time I was with him involved another relationship, some very short, some probably in search of a situation in Texas that would accommodate his need for a comfy home and a willing, gullible partner. And of course, he was seeing the woman who was sick the whole time (the illness was new though).

The woman who is sick had been in his life for the past 7 years and had known of his incessant lies, his incredible charisma, and his proclivity for multiple relationships during that whole time. She still was willing to shut her eyes to what was going on though and had not known about me. His mother confirmed to me herself that no, she was never ill.

The woman in another state had also been told his mother was sick. Whatever lies he told her about myself and the woman who really has is sickand the fact that his mom isn't sick, she is willing to believe him.

Looking back, of course, I can see clearly that when he left constantly to walk the dog, run to the bathroom, smoke, it was all a cover to make calls to other women. He called me almost every day during that 15 months so that is how he handled them as well. I can also tick of 100's of lies. The woman who is sick and I have met and compared notes - she can tick off 1,000's. It seems obvious to me in retrospect, but I had no context for the reality of a sociopath in my life, before this.

In reading your book I have come to realize that, though my reality is totally altered, I do not have the right to wish this person harm (even though I did at first). He is delusional. He writes the way you sometimes write - in contradictions. With you I mostly see it when you declare you have no fear of consequences, yet you lie. You lie to keep your cover. What do you need a cover for unless you fear consequences? I know that since that writing things have come out and there have been consequences and you seem to have survived them.

What hurt me the most was the lies. I wanted to stay friends with him. The lies made it impossible. And I have no idea, and never will, if he would even enjoy these multitude of relationships without the lies. He felt SO REAL to me. The woman who is sick describes him the same way, and because she's known him longer and he has been more honest with her than with anyone else he is probably more real with her than anyone else.

But I don't think he could ever have a relationship with anyone without the thrill of the lie.
He never showed his anger to me. Looking back I can see the times when he was hiding it. He does go into rages with the woman I have talked to.
I feel sorry for him. One time I told him that and it made him angry (in the very subdued way he would get angry with me). But then I was only feeling sorry for him because I thought he seemed to shut down his emotions. Now I feel sorry for him because reading your book makes him seem like a very lost, lonely soul.

I know you say it doesn't bother you, so I guess it shouldn't bother me because I guess it doesn't bother him. I know you are much smarter than him and much more high-functioning. He never physically harmed me and never stole from me. In fact he probably
gave more materially than I ever gave him. I think he probably takes pride in that (though I returned everything that could be returned when he was out of town).  

It just occurs to me that the lies aren't just for other people, they are also for the sociopath. The sociopath seems to constantly be trying to define who they are with no clear internal signal, "no clear path" is something he would always say. So the lie is the only direction they have, which is no direction at all (often doubling back even)..... which for me is the same as constantly being lost, and never truly being real.

Thank you for your book. It helped me understand.

My response:

It’s interesting what you say about contradictions because I’ve started seeing that more as I’ve hung around sociopaths. They’re not aware of the contradictions. Or sometimes part of them is. Their perspective is like that of cubists. It’s distorted in its own way like maps of the world— their reality is distorted in a particular way that suits them best but it ends up making Antarctica look huge. It’s part of the personality disorder just like the weak sense of self, which you described as being the reason for the lies. 

37 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. North hello. Yes. Once you experience their lens you begin to do a sort of backwards math . It still hurts like hell to be betrayed but it does take away the sting a bit.
    Although...I do think sociopaths feel a need to destroy in order to move forward. Some are more aware of the harm they inflict than others and try to have a balance or a code perhaps.
    While others may be very angry and in need of a perpetual target of rage, someone they feel slighted them(even if they are guilty of also slighting that person.) Maybe I am way off on this?
    Lacking in compassion can be an Achilles heel for anyone.
    There is nothing that exposes ones true nature faster. Sociopaths tend to miss that point. The majority of people are able to see others as flawed and *not* take it super personally. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this but..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. I understand where anon is getting at. There was a person I knew that was in the area that frequented my father's restaurant at least since I was born. I had no recollection of him. He was completely absent from my past. I saw an older picture of him today and it snapped. It was unreal. I remember seeing him around all over, ordering food and talking to the employees. I thought of him as a simple blue collar worker. This person always looked down on his luck. He was the 'sad man.' There was always sadness on his face. There is definitely a transition in this person. I reckon his investment/obsession with aptitude, asvab, cognitive performance, etc. started ~15-20 years ago. Perhaps, that's when everybody else in that narrow area was on about that and got progressively weirder.

      Delete
  3. Maybe I am blurring the fine line between sociopaths and psychopaths?
    Perhaps it's true that all psychopaths are sociopaths but not all sociopaths are psychopaths. A continuation up the ladder of distinctions starting with narcissism.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yo North, what's the dealio? Are we good, back to normal? I wanna come back and interact some more but only if I know that we cool

      Delete
    2. does this mean I can't borrow that book, after all?

      Delete
  5. "I had to do digging after he initially, flippantly broke up with me over the phone after being so loving and kind for 15 months, and then called back a few days later and swore he wasn't seeing anyone else and wanted to re-visit the situation when he returned to town, and THEN proceeded to block my calls and texts."

    This is borderline.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have a feeling, that this blog has nothing to do with sociopaths. Its just people who think that everyone who is nuts is either a psychopath or a narcissist.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Time seems to be moving faster because people "have a grip over monotony." The opportunism of coffee sellers is based in "a stimulative impact" to monotonous lives.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    It hasn't really, but I do like to go with the flow.

    A...where you up to with 'The Arts' then woman? What one/ones you studying?

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. North, I'm surprised you are already back. Well actually I'm not...

      Trini, North, if you want to have a conversation in private I recommend you to use an other platform, like email or facebook, where you can have conversations in private. I think that is more convenient than deleting all the comments... that's just childish... but you are telling sociopaths are childish...

      Delete
    2. @scoldy anon - you are only 1/2 right. 1/2 of us are being childish and it ain't me (well, a BIT childish, I own)

      yesterday North spammed the site/I mean, commented heaps, so then I wrote the above at TriniMay 9, 2019 at 7:51 PM and 30 minutes later she'd deleted all her stuff again

      so I was just mirroring her childishness :D by betraying my own, inevs

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. Not true. The comments on Facebook and email 'private messaging' are recorded and displayable. In the same way that a phone log, and EMS/police dispatch log are shown to others.

      Delete
    4. @anon May 11
      I acquiesce. Knew a guy that deleted his yard and gun sales off facebook. Meh.. Why?

      Delete
    5. Huh! Did he have an episode thereafter? Did he go cuckoo?!

      Delete
    6. @anon 5:57, you know how it is. White trash fighting about the payments over the dinner table. Lets just call it a 'white trash pension.' Maybe they used their worthless son to get the money. I can't imagine thinking like that. Not my kind of people.

      Delete
    7. Lol, "dispatcher we have a room ready for him" Getting serviced and observed by some grad students! X,D

      Delete
    8. @anon 10:40
      My cousin just became a doctor. Her parents have a hard time in this country.

      Delete
    9. Dude, you're a frickin' sadist :p

      Delete
    10. @anon 10:46
      Tempestuous, are we? Time to take your pills boy!! >p

      Delete
  11. Thank you so much for being so simple in your explanations. I find most things I read on this subject to be scholarly and philosophical in nature, and your explanations are the opposite of that. Thanks for educating me on an elementary level. I get way too confused reading other authors. Great work!

    ReplyDelete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.