Thursday, September 13, 2012

The ugly duckling

I liked this recent comment for how well it expressed the difference between self-knowledge and self-diagnosing:

A few months ago what seemed to be a perfect storm of stress moved through my life. As the storm began to dissipate, I noticed trends of how I have conducted myself in order to get to where I am in life. I haven’t been the nicest of people (to put it mildly). I have lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, and worse to some of the people who were supposed to be the closest to me; all without guilt or shame.

Now, if my whole life I wore Amish clothes, conducted myself like Amish, and though like an Amish but had never really known what an Amish was; you can image my surprise to wake up one day and see someone dressed as I do, acts as I do, and thinks along the lines I do. Does it mean I’m Amish? I don’t know.

I woke up and saw that I indeed have sociopathic tendencies, traits, and actions. I don’t know if I’m Amish… but here in my 40s I now KNOW what I do and how I do it, and how do or don’t feel. Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… what is it? 

Of course how can we reconcile this with the recent post about wannabe sociopaths? Hard to say.

97 comments:

  1. i am first, all you mongrels.

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  2. There's only so much self-knowledge can do. It's like finding out you have a cut on your leg. Are you going to let whatever is bugging you to fester, or are you going to try to do something about it?

    Even if you don't think you have a problem, consciously, just the fact that you mention it seems to indicate that you at the very least acknowledge that it's making your life more difficult, or less fulfilling, or whatever.

    Trying to find a neatly packaged label is the cheap way out of dealing with your shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For some, a label is an explanation of it all and a way to connect with other people and "belong", to not feel alone. Behind every label is a definition, list, or description... many times a cause.

      Tag Y

      Delete
    2. Label are labels......we encompass so much more than mere labels....they cripple us, define us, they keep us from discovering the outside peramiters of our beings because our "beings" are defined in a singular within any particular label. in order to truly find ourselves completely, we need to remove our labels, our definitions of right and wrong, morality, immorality and walk in a freedom from ANY label towards self acceptance...the good, the bad and the ugly duckling

      Delete
    3. Label are labels......we encompass so much more than mere labels....they cripple us, define us, they keep us from discovering the outside peramiters of our beings because our "beings" are defined in a singular within any particular label. in order to truly find ourselves completely, we need to remove our labels, our definitions of right and wrong, morality, immorality and walk in a freedom from ANY label towards self acceptance...the good, the bad and the ugly duckling

      Delete
    4. Label are labels......we encompass so much more than mere labels....they cripple us, define us, they keep us from discovering the outside peramiters of our beings because our "beings" are defined in a singular within any particular label. in order to truly find ourselves completely, we need to remove our labels, our definitions of right and wrong, morality, immorality and walk in a freedom from ANY label towards self acceptance...the good, the bad and the ugly duckling

      Delete
  3. "Part of me is thrilled when someone else has managed to make it to my shitlist."

    LOL agreed. (In my case, sad but true.)

    My, aren't I being congenial this morning?

    :)

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    Replies
    1. Alterego, you take my breath away.

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    2. i like you, too.

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    3. ^^ That wasn't me. But thanks for the compliment.

      "Take your breath away", lol! Why? Do I make you laugh too hard? ;)

      Delete
    4. Everything is Zoe's fault hereSeptember 14, 2012 at 1:16 AM

      Zoe said when someone is telling you who you are and they think they are a genius you should say "you take my breath away."

      Yes you make me laugh very hard! You always say the stuff i am thinking. And you fucking know it and you say it all so smoothly... like if I had an hour to construct something well written I MIGHT have articulated it as beautifully as you do.

      Delete
  4. Part of me is thrilled when someone else has managed to make it to my shitlist. 12 minutes ago

    this is true for me too. It is one less person to manage/please. (

    I do not know why I feel others need to be managed. I try not to do it socially because I don't care for it when people are doing it to me. (-Unless I care for them. Then I want to be good for them and I like when they show me care enough to set limits. When I stop wanting to be good for them they are put on the "I ain't goin out of my way for that person anymore" pile. it is a bit freeing. But it is also like losing a nice feeling and somewhat disappointing. I always feel loss when it happens. That is why I guess I keep going back to people. It had, and still does, make me happy.

    However, part of being here made me notice that I do not need. It is lovely not to need. And it is also lovely to be on the receiving end of generosity. It is a not something I am used to without feeling beholden. I am used to being the giver. I must have liked it like that. I guess I did, otherwise I would not have done it. Receiving is a nicer challenge.

    I do not mind feeling 2 things at once.

    Youth really is wasted on the young. It is a good thing that I am young at heart.

    Does anyone know where that twitter remark is?

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  5. what is the difference between a person's conscience and a person's code?

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    Replies
    1. one you shape and the other shapes you?

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    2. if it walks like a quack and talks like a quack it must be a .....

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    3. Hacker? Oh I mean quacker

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    4. I change my conscience like I change my underwears

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    5. not even a see through thong?

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  6. "I wonder what is the collective noun for a group of sociopaths? A murder of psychopaths?"

    A gaggle of want.

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    Replies
    1. no. Buddha says no.

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    2. why do the monks ask for $20.oo in the street and give you a disappointed look when you only have $2.oo?

      Delete
  7. Medusa accomplice check computer, child porn, I erased, Ellicit, woman, sociopathworld, cops, police, murder, psychopath, hunting, coming, collaboration, alibi, planning, careful, crime, teenage, teenage girl, slice, screw, rape, stab, won't get caught, smarter than that, erase tracks, backtrack, cover it up, blood, linolin

    lol

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    Replies
    1. mels8780, wicked lovely, WL, Back, Bakk, Taylor, Ohio, child molester, pedophile, honey pot, lolita, perverts love this one, troll, submissive, masochist, victim, abuse magnet, loves it, forums, tiny chat, Skype, teamviewer, antifeminism, psychopathy, sociopathy, autism.

      hahaha

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    2. Well that about covers the entire bogs hard drive,,,,,,lame,

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  8. "I liked this recent comment for how well it expressed the difference between self-knowledge and self-diagnosing:"

    Very much so... in the last few weeks I have met a Hutterite and Mennonite to go along with the Amish fellow. I have also learned a little more about me and although we all look a lot a like and think a lot a like, neither of the Amish, Mennonite, nor the Hutterite is quite me... or more accurately, I am not either of these guys.

    What does that mean? Not much really... I am who I am. I gotta be me. Self Diagnostics is not the goal as much as self actualization.

    ME:

    I wasn't not privy to the whole conversation you had with your friend concerning the ammo, but I didn't catch anything other than a business mind in his statement about how long will we continue to use bullets. We are always trying to make war less lethal... that what the Geneva Convention and Hague did for us. It's a matter of time before bullets are a byproduct to be used at last resort. I would think bullets are going to be around at least as long as your friend is alive... tell him to go for it.

    TNP:

    I think it is more like realizing your leg has been cut much after the wound has festered and now you have to cut off your leg and learn to walk again... You have to do something about it but how do you want to go about doing this? What's more, you are so fucking prideful that you wouldn't want anyone to know you didn't have two legs... so now what?

    "Even if you don't think you have a problem, consciously, just the fact that you mention it seems to indicate that you at the very least acknowledge that it's making your life more difficult, or less fulfilling, or whatever."

    It really was the startling knowledge I acted as the way I did. I mean all the "lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, and worse to some of the people who were supposed to be the closest to me" was being done with the ultimate lie committed to myself... in my "world", my culture that I have been raised and spent most of my life in, you don't do these things that I have done. Or at least you are not suppose to... but it has worked for me. Nothing wrong other than me living a lie. So, I woke up...

    "Trying to find a neatly packaged label is the cheap way out of dealing with your shit."

    And that's why I agree with you 100%... I am not looking for a label. I was. I now know I ain't Amish, I ain't Protestant, hell... I ain't even fucking christian, jewish, muslim, or anything. But I am me, and I am something else...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Thanks ME... perfect timing.

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    2. Yes, self actualization is my goal, too, Tom. It sounds like such a big, fancy word. It is just knowing who you are, good and bad. Then, going out into the world expressing your true self.

      It sounds so easy, but is anything but.

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    3. "It is just knowing who you are, good and bad. Then, going out into the world expressing your true self."

      And it is anything but easy, or at least for some of us... perhaps everyone else is who they are and it is just as easy as turning on the light switch for them. It's the little lies that get me and for some reason I feel get other people too... maybe that's projection, but still possible. The little lies like me asking people how they are doing as if I give a shit... telling people to have a good day when I could care less if they got hit by a bus... telling my young men it's not right to hit women but knowing I can drill a chick in the face under the right conditions; it's the hypocrisy that makes me me that I have found to be hard.

      But here's what I am coming to, Monica... that's who I am.

      "It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds."

      So, how much fun can I have... being me?

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    4. Tom, this is what I think "normal" people do, as I was normal a long time ago.

      They can have all sides of them, all parts of them, talking at the same time and they choose the sides they want to act on but they don't condemn the rotten side of them. They see it as human.

      For example, when you think the thing about the woman getting hit by the bus, "normal" people do, too.

      They just accept it, as a bird going by and making doo-doo on their head.

      They don't respond to it. They let it go by, as one wipes off bird doo.

      Delete
    5. i wasout with a guy recently and really liked him. he was kind of moaning abt his ex having taken him to the cleaners financially after he left her.

      I looked him straight in the eye and said i'd have the exatc same thing. He stopped and looked at me and said good to know.

      i thought about it later and felt not guilty, just sad I didn't shut my trap before the the thought jumped out of my mouth.


      I wrote him a nice email telling him how much I really do sympathise with him, and sorry for being flip.

      But I don't sympathize with him. I just didn't want to scare him the way I scared the others. Little by little I inevitably tell people I am sweet but not really. I'd never forget a remark like that. People, including myself, tell you who they are. It's us honest ones who have to backtrack all the fucking time.

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    6. and that's why I'll pause before I speak.

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    7. and I'll never slap a label on my pure soul either.

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    8. @808

      all is fair in love and war? kind of.

      Delete
    9. "I think it is more like realizing your leg has been cut much after the wound has festered and now you have to cut off your leg and learn to walk again... You have to do something about it but how do you want to go about doing this? What's more, you are so fucking prideful that you wouldn't want anyone to know you didn't have two legs... so now what?"

      I know. I was just trying not to be overly dramatic.

      As far as now what, well, it should be obvious. Try to be the man you want to be, and to hell with what others think. You're retired, getting divorced, and your kids are mostly grown up. Hold your own balls for once and do the things you only wished you could before when you were tied down by duty.

      Delete
  9. Things aren't always what they appear to be.....sometimes we are forced into being what we really aren't.....it's called survival. We have no choice but to put on our bonnets, To carry our bible, to "be" as others think we should "be". When our masks begin to slip, bullets are a necessary evil ,sometimes uses against our dearest foes. Those bullets can cause pain that's irreversible, yet necessary to progress. Laying down the weapons would seve us all so much more, but we get caught in a survival of the fittest mindset and we all lose.

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  10. And might I add, I think this site is amazing. It is truly a place of discovery and questioning.......a place to explore the inner thoughts of others, to reflect and examine those thoughts and how they do/don't apply to ourselves. It has never mattered. Still doesn't.

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  11. I think its natural at some point in some people's lives to question why everything keeps fucking up so much... Why some people seem to be naturally happy and successful while being completely themselves... And others find themselves catching hell for "being themselves" and doing what is in their nature. I found it very comforting to learn I was normal for someone with my abnormality. It also gave me an idea about what my choices were in the future- However, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." psychological "philosophy" is in its infancy. I refuse to believe that I can not transcend my genetic programming and upbringing. Yeah, I got this hand and it kinda sucks compared to people on easy street, but I also have a soul that is every bit as whole and intact as theirs. ITs a fucking brutal world of people pretending its not and they are not.. The ones who do it in the socially legitimate way are considered normal- but there have been lots of people murdered by "heroes" and even my country now calls the Geneva Conventions "trite". so its all fucked up, just be nice and have fun.

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    Replies
    1. Not to be a smart ass, I really would like to know the purpose; What is nice and why be it? I'm with you on the fun part...

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    2. the nice part is so we have can have fun without worrying about being thrown into an oven- it might not be as exciting and it takes some quick success/pleasure off the table, but I think it's better for all in the long run- and the overall amount of pleasure is more. A world of bad ass motherfuckers is a pyramid scheme of happiness. The shit is bound to collapse- I don't fucking know- I ain't not rocket scientist about life..

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    3. I believe your transcending to be limitless.....:)

      Delete
  12. "For a wounded man shall say to his assailant if I live, I will kill you. If I die, you are forgiven. Such is the rule of honor."

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  13. I'm doing the same self-actualization and self-awareness deal by conducting numerous social experiments on my offline blog. I want to learn about all my good and bad qualities. If I learn about a bad quality my goal is not to get rid
    of it, but rather to find a purpose for it and use it when need be. I believe that there's a time and a place for everything.

    I do it not only to understand myself better but to become a better businessman in general. One of the major principles of business is to know yourself completely. Understand your disadvantages and turn them into advantages. The project will take over a year but my hope is that the results will be rewarding and, so far, they have been just that.

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  14. "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.".........To Kill a Mockingbird

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  15. Today, I told my mother about the molestation and I did not back down( Thank you Mal Narc lady ~)
    She said that she had addictions and this "happens" when people have addictions.
    I said," Horse s##t. Molestation is different from addictions. Molestation is trying to destroy someone for your own pleasure. Destroying them is part of the addiction, if you want to say that.

    I hung up because she was trying to argue that people can't help addictions like gambling and drinking and this was the same as molestation.
    I said that is not true.

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    Replies
    1. Addictions to perverted sex are addictions. Not that I am saying your Mother has this problem. What does ring loud to me is this:

      "Molestation is trying to destroy someone for your own pleasure. Destroying them is part of the addiction, if you want to say that."

      Do you think for a minute that your destruction was going through her head while she enacted her perverse pleasure? I can not be for certain, but I don't think so. I think in the moment of extreme selfishness to molest a child, steal from a loved one, or kill another, the one acting out the "crime" has only one thought going on in the old noggin'... the self. It is pure selfishness. In this it is hard to say that your destruction... what the "crime" would do to you or how that "crime" might effect you was never on the perpetrator's mind. It was never about you... at all. It's hard to see that, sometimes we just happen to be in the most wrong of places at our most vulnerable of times.

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    2. That is what she was saying, Tom.

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    3. You have to let this go... I'm not talking about forgiveness; I don't give two squirts about forgiveness. If you want to call it forgiveness then fine, but YOU have to let it go. You have to realize your mother did nothing to "Monica", she did horrible things to a child... are you still that child? Who do you want to be Monica? Who is it that is about to be actualized if you show the world yourself?

      Delete
    4. I would say the single hardest thing is feeling numb. The numb makes it hard for you to figure out life because you can't feel.
      Right brain trauma theory says the only way to get rid of the numb is tears. It does work but the slowness is the hard thing.

      Delete
    5. You sound very repetitive from the weeks I've been lurking on here.

      Delete
    6. How does right brain trauma theory say you're supposed to get the crying to happen? I go years between crying unless I'm chopping onions. If I cry it's due to frustration, I think. Twice in my life I've cried with someone else and their pain but I think it was projection. I think it was empathy even if it was due to projection.

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    7. Get the book "Cure By Crying" . If you don't get the book, I will summarize. You have to cry. Period end. Crying empties out the trauma which is stored in the emotional side of the brain(right) not the intellectual side(left) so you can talk all day long about these things and never change.

      Watch sad movies. Watch movies about animals and how sweet they are to each other or anything that touches you. You will feel a little better each time you do it. Try to do it a half hour a day, at least.
      I am healing but I have been doing it for 3 years~

      Delete
    8. hmm OK, thanks, Monica. I do get teary-eyed at the occasional movie or book so that's helpful advice. I read one recently that did that. Maybe I'll read it again. I'll look out for Cure By Crying, but I'm not that motivated. I'm content with how I am apart from where it undermines my capacity to control myself.

      Delete
    9. Monica,
      If not now... when?


      I was thinking of Eddie Murphy's telling of Richard Pryor's advice to Bill Cosby:
      "Tell Bill to have a Coke and Smile and shut the fuck up..."

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBBlSg5yweA

      3 years is a long time... but never is longer.

      Delete
    10. It is the friggin numbness but I am feeling like I have more of a solid self, all the time. I am being forced to really stand up for my beliefs, lately, which is forcing my self to congeal, I guess.

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    11. Why don't you add something, Eden?

      Delete
    12. Nah, that would feed your supply. :P Your stories go from a bit pathetic to extremely pathetic when nobody gives you a response. Is this the only place you post your victim bullshit to get supply or do you do it all around the internet?

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    13. Answer me, bitch!

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    14. Eden is rot gut.

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    15. Eden, you should fuck Frank.

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    16. I'll fuck her with your dick.

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    17. scare people with you tool today!

      (as they say in dick spam world) :-p

      Delete
    18. Zoe
      I know you are a fine lady.

      Delete
  16. Would "Crazy" be the right word to use for a psychopath/sociopath ? Or is that totally unrelated ?

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  17. I agree with Tom ......addiction is impulse driven,,,,,any "moral code" thinking is out the window at that moment. I do think that addicts reflect on their bad behaviors after the fact but it's never enough to stop them at the moment of their next impulse, instant gratification.....very selfish but not calculating the destruction of another in the moment.

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  18. Very hard to see this

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  19. To a "normal" crazy would be an acceptable term. To some of us, "normals" are the fucking crazy ones lol. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I would not recommend calling a psychopath crazy to their face in any situation :)

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  20. we all need to find our own way
    no matter how mutch that way is diffrend from the norm

    ReplyDelete
  21. UKan Think I am GoneSeptember 13, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    but I am never gone. I am like the plague. I survive when lesser organisms die. UKan think bleach wiped me out, but guess again. See that small black mark? That is me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good assessment, a "small black mark"; not much more than that U.

      Delete
    2. that's all it takes anon, one small black mark to infest some back corner of your mind..

      Delete
    3. Don't tell me you are into the whole UKan/Jim Jones drinking the Kool-Aid are you? UKan is more like the black shit stain in your shorts. UKan scrub and scrub but that shit never comes out.

      Delete
  22. Replies
    1. Lol, you're starting to give themes to your own personas, how crazy are you really?

      Delete

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