Monday, September 17, 2012

The outsider

I’ve always known I was an outsider. It started from my very first days in school. I wasn’t able to articulate that then of course, but I knew it in my bones. I alternated between being an observer and playing the role of insider. In the years when I played observer, I’d watch with disgust as the kids who weren’t popular fawned all over the kids who were. I’d see them for the weaklings they were and wonder why they thought belonging mattered so much that they were willing to debase themselves. I couldn’t even conceive of the idea that anyone or any group was important enough for me to humiliate myself for. So I’d watch and I’d observe. I was never bullied or treated like a reject. I watched other outsiders be picked on with interest, but I was invisible until I was ready to change that. After I had observed long enough, I easily became one of the popular kids. But even when I was schmoozing with the jocks and the cheerleaders and the class clowns who everybody loved, even when kids from lower grades wanted my attention, I knew I was not one of them. I’d known that I would never really belong no matter how many people claimed to love hanging out with me. I did however enjoy playing my games with them and with teachers from time to time. From the outside, I made myself an expert on the staff in charge, always with the understanding that my friendly overtures and “good kid” image would be useful in the event any of my games were exposed. That never happened though. I was never caught, never exposed, and never held accountable -- all because I’d taken the time to watch, to take careful note of environment from top to bottom, and then acted accordingly.

I’ve never thought of myself as a predator because I’ve never raped or killed anyone. But looking back, I wonder if the internal understanding of my outsider status combined with the instinctive sense that I had to carefully observe other people in order to both survive and thrive is how the human predator thinks. I’ve always known that I wasn’t one of them, them being most of humanity. This wasn’t a choice; it was a realization. I didn’t know terms like "sociopath" or "psychopath." But I did know that since I wasn’t an “insider,” I had to figure out what to say and how to behave in ways that would guarantee a place among them as their leader. In other words, as a child I knew I had to wear a mask, one that would grant me power. Again, as a child, I could not articulate any of this and did not have the psychological sophistication to comprehend what I was. I just knew this is how the world worked, and how I had to work within it.

If you’re new to this blog and you’re wondering if you are a sociopath or have sociopathic tendencies, ask yourself if this story describes your experience. That’s not to say that thinking or behaving this way as a child and a teenager proves beyond any doubt that you are a sociopath. It could, however, serve as a starting place for further investigation and a validation of how you experienced your childhood.

If you were always on the outside looking in, separated from the other kids and maybe even from your family by a wall of emotions that they seemed to feel effortlessly while you did not; if you could instinctively get a sense of how power flowed between various cliques, between the students and the staff and within your family; if belonging never meant anything to you yet you found you could easily enter and then manipulate any group at will; then maybe, just maybe, you were a tiny wolf in lamb’s wool, a young sociopath without knowing it.

148 comments:

  1. I want to hear more about these 'games' you played.

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  2. Thirded. lol

    As for me, the sense of being on the outside, as it were, not only started in childhood but continues on to this very day. This is true even when I’m with family and friends. I could be laughing it up, listening to people talk and playing my role quite nicely, but in the end, I’ve always come back to feeling like the people I’m with have no idea who or what I really am. I used to resent that fact. Now, not so much. Reality is what it is and resenting it is pointless. Besides, there are upsides. At least I’m not bogged down by uncontrollable emotions and I’m not compelled to act out useless dramas that pass for ‘normal relationships’. The inner detachment that Buddhists ironically crave comes natural to me. All in all, not being driven by a need to believe or a need to belong has been nice for me, especially when I compare it to the alternative.

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  3. I too would like to hear more of M.E.'s games. I've scanned most of the archives for actual behavior that seems pathological, but it was mostly very tame stuff.

    Closest I could find was M.E. luv triangle where he "ruined" a girl in the mind of her suitor.

    M.E. seemed to feel it was quite the coup (considering the space and detail lavished on the story). But it's really the sort of thing normal people do all the time. Perhaps his HS career includes more little white lies and cock-blocking.

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  4. I am 15 right now, and i do relate to some experiences M.E. described. As for the games, can anyone consider this, how many of you would like for your little amusements of the past to be revealed? I do not, not for fear,but precaution,I learned that you have to be careful with what you give away. I use any information that comes to me as reserve in the future (other manipulators do so as well)

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  5. I never played games as a teen, in so much as it wasn't for my amusement only. I always had a target and goal. I relate to more of the bully's bully post in the blog. As a teenager and even pre teen I was the typical sociopath anti-hero...judge jury and executioner. I still am that, to an extent, but in college I did the 'game' thing a bit more. And to be honest...if M.e. is anything like, well, me all my game type silly stuff was more or less harmless and not even post worthy. And what the executioner did/does is locked in the vault and it's gonna stay there.

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  6. Zahid Dante said:

    "As for the games, can anyone consider this, how many of you would like for your little amusements of the past to be revealed?"

    I wouldn't like them to be revealed in company, in real life, in front of the people I've involved in them. Anonymously, though, on the internet, I would like that; I'd like it very much. Like Daniel said above, it's all very well to be wearing masks the whole time, but it's also good to be able to take them off. I'd like to have the opportunity to tell someone everything. I'd like to be able to boast. I'd like to tell someone I've never met all about my 'little amusements' to see their reaction. And if it wasn't so impractical, I'd do it like a shot.

    (I'm not getting at M.E. - I think this blog is amazing. I'm just disagreeing with Zahid.)

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  7. This is perhaps why the diagnosis of 'Anti-social Personality Disorder' is contingent upon criminality. Take away the spectre of violence and fraud and most sociopaths are somewhat ordinary.

    Are we really just insensitive folks with variable social skills who may be somewhat unreliable?

    I know myself to be occasionally parasitic and a bit of a sadist, but otherwise I'm just a nice normal guy.

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  8. Harry Lime said, "This is perhaps why the diagnosis of 'Anti-social Personality Disorder' is contingent upon criminality. Take away the spectre of violence and fraud and most sociopaths are somewhat ordinary... otherwise I'm just a nice normal guy."

    Tell that to the ladies at lovefraud. lol

    Come on Harry, you've never committed a crime for which you could have gotten into serious trouble at some point? Hell, I have. Several. Who hasn't? But otherwise, I'm a nice normal guy too.

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    Replies
    1. normal?
      low on the npd side of it?

      Delete
  9. Tell that to the ladies at lovefraud. lol

    A lot of you guys mention lovefraud. I'd never been so I went over there and browsed a bit today. Holy crap. Why can't assholes just be assholes? People have to conjure some magic horned monster called a sociopath that all of humanity is vulnerable to and they are the latest, helpless victims. If it were possible, and it's not, but if it were, it'd be fun to try and burst their bubble and let them know that it was never about some epic battle with the devil incarnate...you just got taken by some selfish horny bastard with a bad credit rating. And the men...good god. On and on about how their ex-wives are sociopaths. Um. She's not a sociopath. She just hates you.

    Why do people have to live such tragedies?

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  10. Harry Lime

    Are we really just insensitive folks with variable social skills who may be somewhat unreliable?


    No. That's the definition of an asshole. We aren't insensitive. We sense what one wants, needs and either don't give a flip or try to use it to get what we want and need.

    Some people call it selfish. But they miss the point. There's no 'ish. Just the self.

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  11. "Come on Harry, you've never committed a crime for which you could have gotten into serious trouble at some point?"

    I don't have a contentious relationship with police like the ASPD mooks. Evidently that can make all the difference in a diagnosis.

    Oh, and I had never seen lovefraud.com before . . . thank you! I need a new hobby, perhaps it will be ruining the lives of marginally attractive women.

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  12. Hey, Suzanna, first your comment astounded me but I came to the realization that, like me, we were all looking for a place to "remove our masks." (this blog has proven magnificent) But, why wouldn't you do it with those who know you, is it a bit of shame or simply you feel that such a bond should not be broken by such a revelation? Usually, when i ask these questions people believe i am attacking them, they fail to notice i am just curious.

    P.S. Now that you mention it I would like to know about your "little amusements" (thank you for being willing to share)

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  13. "But, why wouldn't you do it with those who know you, is it a bit of shame or simply you feel that such a bond should not be broken by such a revelation?"

    I can't speak for Suzanna but for me because once I remove my mask to someone close there is no shutting that door. It is much easier to do this anonymously.

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  14. And how does that make you feel,Christine?...just kidding. Well, you actually gave a good reason, not only is demonstrating yourself as you are is an inhibition. But, everyone needs to let some demons run loose once in a while, anyone agree?

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  15. Hey Harry, are you calling me a mook? lol

    Actually, I didn’t have a ‘contentious relationship’ with the police either. I have a fetish for not getting caught. I was always careful.

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    1. a fetish for not getting caught
      lmao yeah most criminals have that

      Delete
    2. doing a bad thing is fun
      doing a bad thing and getting away with it is more fun
      doing a bad thing getting away with it and giving someone els the blame is a rush
      looking the cops in the eye en they know what they are dealing with and you knowing they know but they don't got annything on my is feeling like a GOD

      Delete
  16. Sarah said, "it'd be fun to try and burst their bubble and let them know that it was never about some epic battle with the devil incarnate...you just got taken by some selfish horny bastard with a bad credit rating. And the men...good god. On and on about how their ex-wives are sociopaths. Um. She's not a sociopath. She just hates you."

    LMAO!!! Those comments on that site kill me!

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  17. "But, everyone needs to let some demons run loose once in a while, anyone agree?"

    I never thought there were any demons to let run free until a herd of effing people kept asking me "How does that make you feel?"

    *smiles* "I feel friggin' great!"

    Therapy sucks! I need therapy for all this therapy. They have me working over time over here and I have to let loose a little.

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  18. Stealthy Ninja said:
    "I never thought there were any demons to let run free until a herd of effing people kept asking me "How does that make you feel?"


    My point on the previous comment was completely satirical and sarcastic. I was on therapy too, and what is worse is that i was still categorized as a MINOR. So, my therapist kept calling me "poor baby" or "how do you feel now, sweetheart?" I think most of them, specially the young ones are natural good-doers, but they seem extremely hypocritical at times.

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  19. How could I tell you guys were on therapy? This forum is just a new way for you to get more therapy. It's ridiculous and pathetic. Stealthy Ninja your a wingnut. Zahid I can already tell how sensitive you are to critisism, as Ninja's response was neutral and your already on the defense.

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  20. When your an adult they put up this tough exterior like they are "Big Billy Bad Ass" and an attitude like "you aren't going to draw me in with your jedi mind tricks" In fact I think they probably rehearse it in the mirror before they walked into the room with me.

    "I feel like this is complete bullshit."

    "Well your feeling something. That is progress."

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  21. Awww Thunderball needs attention! How sweet! Gimme a big hug. Come on let's hug it out!

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  22. That may be what they do in your therapy, but we don't do that here.

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  23. well, my dear Thunderball,you seem a bit snappy too ("That may be what they do in your therapy")
    Nevertheless, i am pretty sensitive with mix-ups involving sarcasm.
    wanna hug now?

    By the way, good point Ninja, and loved the little joke...you are entering my white list:)

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  24. Maybe I'm snappy because I don't zone out valium like you. I get tired of listening to your brain farts you call thought.

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  25. Apparently these two haven't met thunderball yet. I find his comments quite hilarious and he's not even trying...yet...

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  26. I thought Thunderball was kidnapped.

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  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  28. Welcome to hell.

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  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. Zahid said:
    "But, why wouldn't you do it with those who know you, is it a bit of shame or simply you feel that such a bond should not be broken by such a revelation?"

    Heya. No, it's not at all that I'm ashamed. In fact, it's probably the opposite. There's no one I know who would find childhood adventures in cat-strangling quite as amusing as I do; there's no one I know who would understand my pride in it, either, I don't think.

    And 'such a bond': well... it's not exactly a bond, is it? Anyway, it's a waste of effort to spend time assimilating and then go and tell someone who now believes you good and kind that 'hey, guess who nicked and subsequently burnt your English notes for the kicks? Hahaha!' I would lose their trust and therefore the possibility of messing with them further. It'd just be self-sabotage, to tell someone - especially a close friend.

    "Usually, when i ask these questions people believe i am attacking them, they fail to notice i am just curious."

    No, that's OK. I'm used to well-intentioned interrogation. I do it to people myself.

    "P.S. Now that you mention it I would like to know about your "little amusements" (thank you for being willing to share)"

    :P What exactly would you like to know about them, Mister Dante?

    Christine said:
    "I can't speak for Suzanna but for me because once I remove my mask to someone close there is no shutting that door."

    If you got close to someone, and then told them you didn't actually care about them and liked taking advantage of their trust in human nature, then however well-intentioned you were in the telling, I don't think it'd go down that well. And when you've told them, you can't un-tell them.

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  31. Whoops. Didn't mean to leave you an essay.

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  32. Sarah writes:

    No. [Insensitive, unreliable folks is] the definition of an asshole. We aren't insensitive. We sense what one wants, needs and either don't give a flip or try to use it to get what we want and need.

    So are you saying the difference between an asshole and a sociopath is ignorance?

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  33. Suzanna writes:

    If you got close to someone, and then told them you didn't actually care about them and liked taking advantage of their trust in human nature, then however well-intentioned you were in the telling, I don't think it'd go down that well. And when you've told them, you can't un-tell them.

    That depends on the friends. I personally delight in the company of my sociopath friends. But I do take precautions not to let them take advantage of me (as I do with all my friends in different ways, don't you?). However, if you have the sort of friends that could delight in you including your sociopathic ways, they've probably already realized you're a sociopath.

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  34. "There's no one I know who would find childhood adventures in cat-strangling quite as amusing as I do; there's no one I know who would understand my pride in it, either, I don't think."

    Is there anyone here who take's pride in strangling cats? If there is please stand up. Stand up I say! Stand up for all the villified cat vanquishers!

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  35. Cat strangling? That sucks! I like cats and dogs for the most part but hell who am I. You can take pride in strangling all the cats you want as long as you don't touch mine!

    Besides isn't stuffing firecrackers up the ass of dogs and tormenting kitties a wee bit clichish? I personally have never done anything to harm a dog or a cat or any animal for that matter however, come to think of it my ex-husband used to beat his dog with a PVC pipe on a daily basis so I guess there is some truth to the stereotype.

    And 'such a bond': well... it's not exactly a bond, is it? Anyway, it's a waste of effort to spend time assimilating and then go and tell someone who now believes you good and kind that 'hey, guess who nicked and subsequently burnt your English notes for the kicks? Hahaha!' I would lose their trust and therefore the possibility of messing with them further. It'd just be self-sabotage, to tell someone - especially a close friend.

    Couldn't have said it any better myself! Kind of strange because the older I get the more I grow in conscious toward these things. A couple of times I have almost spilt the beans in some minor effort to right a wrong however, my innate need too keep having my itch scratched keeps me from doing so. Sometimes I will just walk away from the relationships which works for me until I start it up again with someone else. Ooops....

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  36. Hey Suzanna,I do find cat strangling entertaining even though on my early years I was categorized as a violent and sadistic child. The funny thing is that family members and school faculty always tried to find a reason; i couldn't explain the gratification that harming others gave me.The part about bonds was a trick question, congrats, you passed. Now, you said you would like to boast, so tell me your best exploit and the type of games you prefer (as in, do you concentrate on one individual?do you come between groups and sabotage them?, etc.)

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  37. Thunderball,when did I say everything I wrote were my thoughts?
    some of the little voices inside my head are conflicting. And i will defend the cause of CSU (cat stranglers united) to the death!
    Now, can you illuminate me with whatever the opposite of "brain farts" is? I want to consider you at least comical, as anonymous does, but you are as stubborn as a cat...
    (and you know what some of us do to those creatures)

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  38. Thunderball said:
    "Is there anyone here who take's pride in strangling cats? If there is please stand up."

    Stealthy Ninja said:
    "Cat strangling? That sucks! I like cats and dogs for the most part but hell who am I. You can take pride in strangling all the cats you want as long as you don't touch mine!"

    Look, I look back fondly and proudly the way anyone looks back fondly and proudly on their childhood. I'm sorry you can't help judging me for it, but then, that's why I said I kept it quiet... (Incidentally, I was very young, I never killed one, and I have cats of my own now and I've never hurt them.)

    "Besides isn't stuffing firecrackers up the ass of dogs and tormenting kitties a wee bit clichish?"

    No one mentioned firecrackers, and cliches have to come from somewhere.

    "I personally have never done anything to harm a dog or a cat or any animal for that matter ..."

    This isn't aimed at Stealthy Ninja - it just reminded me of it - but why is it worse for a kid to hurt a cat than it is for an adult to swat a fly? Or eat meat? Does anyone understand the reasoning in this? Why will an empath defend the idea that all humans are equal, but some animals are more equal than others? Because I just can't understand the logic to it.

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  39. To Zahid --
    --who said:
    "Hey Suzanna,I do find cat strangling entertaining"

    No. When I said no one would understand, I meant literally no one would understand. Literally, physically, no one can understand exactly what anyone thinks/feels. Not you. Not anyone.

    "The part about bonds was a trick question, congrats, you passed."

    The word 'sociopath' translates from the Latin as, basically, 'unfit to be a friend'. You didn't realise your mistake in the question because you're not sociopathic yourself. It's not you pretending to be that's irritating, it's you trying to cover your tracks.

    "Now, you said you would like to boast, so tell me your best exploit and the type of games you prefer."

    No. If you hadn't gone on to say:

    "i will defend the cause of CSU (cat stranglers united) to the death!"

    then I might have done. I am not a cause; you are not a cause. I have not allied with you; I am not going to ally with you. Don't be so presumptuous. Also:

    "you are as stubborn as a cat...
    (and you know what some of us do to those creatures)"

    No. Just... no.

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  40. Suzanna said, “why is it worse for a kid to hurt a cat than it is for an adult to swat a fly? Or eat meat? Does anyone understand the reasoning in this? Why will an empath defend the idea that all humans are equal, but some animals are more equal than others? Because I just can't understand the logic to it.”

    I don’t think there is any inherent logic to it myself. It’s all arbitrary. I also don’t believe being consistently pro-life is a realistic moral philosophy or position or whatever, if by pro-life we mean preserving life at all costs. At some point, we all decide what we’re willing to kill to survive. We draw that line based on any number of reasons, from personal preference and taste, to tradition, to whatever sense of morality we have, and so on. But wherever our line of demarcation is, something has to cease to be in order for us to continue to be.

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  41. Cat strangling is retarded and pointless. It's a stupid and pathetic thing to tout as something you did as a child.
    You people are pathetic. You are all one step forward with two steps back into defensive mode. I find you slightly amusing. Nothing more. Nothing less.
    Stealthy Ninja get over your painful relationship. Suzan stop trying. If you want to strangle a cat go all the way. Stop failing.

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  42. This doesn't really describe me, at least not fully. I was never one of the popular kids in school, but I pretty much ignored everyone. I hated everyone, whether they were popular or not. I think the hatred stemmed from the fact that I did feel different, but I didn't feel a need at the time to hide it, so nobody accepted me. Pathetic, yes, but youth is what it is.

    I didn't start becoming popular until I was kicked out of my house and had to live in apartments full of large groups of people. I'd never taken the time to fully analyze the dynamics of socialization, but living in such crowded conditions, full of drama, left me little choice.

    Once I learned what people valued, it was pretty easy to play the role of the ideal friend, lover, etc. Funny, empathetic, helpful, stand up for what I believe in, give people props for agreeing with my projected beliefs while firmly but respectfully disagreeing when they don't. Basically just projecting a positive attitude and a rock solid, consistent set of values and beliefs, without acting like a hardass or a die-hard people pleaser.

    Most people I meet now love me, but I know I'll never have a real connection with any of them. The relationships I build are fake, which is unfortunate, but it's the best that's available to me.

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  43. "Pathetic, yes, but youth is what it is."

    I see you carried pathetic into adult hood.

    "I didn't start becoming popular until I was kicked out of my house and had to live in apartments full of large groups of people."

    You weren't popular till you lived among losers. A Lord of the Flies. King of the Rats. The one eyed man in the land of the blind.
    This must be the Real Peter Pan. I can smell the loser stench coming from him. Welcome back.

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  44. Thanks for the welcome, Thundybear.
    It's nice to have you back. :)

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  45. one of my earliest memories is of sitting in a shopping cart in a grocery store, watching my mom and checking out the things in the aisles. passing us in the other direction was another child about my age, in a cart his mother was pushing, except this child was screaming bloody murder because his mother wouldn't give him what he wanted. i thought his behavior was, well, it seemed shocking to me at the time, and the thought that went through my little head was..."i could never behave like that, these people have been so good to me".
    i've always thought it was strange when remembering that moment that i thought of my parents as "these people". for some reason behaving "civilized" has always been important. lol here i am dissecting that moment, when it probably all just means i was raised right!

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  46. I completely concur with the author's depiction of his/her childhood. I went through the exact same thing as a child. I separate my childhood based on what my teacher's reports to my parents. I began as an aggressive child, which lasted until fifth grade. At that point it changed to passive aggressive or introverted. I was trying to figure out how to fit in with the masses. By high school, I understood the basics, but still had some refining to do.

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  47. Such an eye roller. This is completely stereotypical, what with the 'games' and the thoughts of predatory thriving on toying with other humans. Any person who comes here to self diagnose and read this would immediately uplift the thoughts of being a sociopath due to the 'power' it may bring them.

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  48. This describes me to a tee. I don't know if anyone else used to do this, but when I was a kid, (1st and 2nd grade ish) I would convince the other kids of completely rediculous things just because I like knowing that I could convince them. I made three girls I was "friends" with that there were secretly fairies in our playground at school, as I grew up I learned that people became less complaint as they grew up, but it still amazed me how gullable and trusting people were.

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  49. Sometimes when I read these older comments, I think of this scene.

    On topic though, I can sort of relate. I moved a lot, so I was a perpetual outsider. Not a reject, but still, the new guy. That actually helped me learn to communicate and manipulate quite well.

    The disgust for the suck-ups never ever ends.

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  50. So basically you are saying that if you were a nerd in school then you are probably a sociopath and in retrospect also an accidental predator. Mkay.

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    1. Yeah, I don't get that either. More like an accidental lubricant than an accidental predator.

      Delete
    2. You missed that one good, Medusa.

      Delete
  51. This was somewhat confusing for me.....not exactly sure where I fall on the "disorder" scale, but I do know I am not normal.....hey, it's a step, I could relate to a lot of What M.E. had to say, but I tended to buck social norms and became a defender of the underdogs. I came from a well to do family where their "clout" trumped......It nauseated me actually. I Myself could have also been part of the "in" crowd, but instead, I spent my time alone or with the purple haired, misunderstood "freaks". My friends were either gay or seriously disturbed. I found them to be real.....although I bucked social norms within myself, I never crossed the social lines of expressing myself through dress, peircings, tattoos ect......but very drawn to these people ????? I still am (obviously, cuz I am here) did I find a sense of self expression through them? What the fuck is wrong with me?

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  52. I should add, I wasn't void of feeling, but the emotions were usually negative....pissed off at the unjustness, the facades were unsettling although I myself had been "groomed" to play the parts........I found great pleasure in dismantling them .....I would purposely cross lines to spite my families rigid personas.....I liked the gasps of "how dare you".......I guess in my own way I was saying "no, How dare YOU?

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  53. Yet another incredibly fascinating post M.E. Thanks, as always.

    I read Camus’ ‘L’Étranger’ many years ago. However, I think I actually prefer the song ‘Killing an Arab’ by The Cure which was based on the book.

    Nevertheless, for those who enjoyed the book I can thoroughly recommend the English existentialist author Colin Wilson and his first book similarly entitled, “The Outsider”. First published in 1956 when Wilson was at the ripe old age of 24.

    In the book Wilson makes comparisons between the protagonist in Camus’ book - Meursault - and character’s from other well-known philosopher’s/writer’s works – in particular Antoine Roquentin from Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘La Nausée’.

    Wilson states, “The last pages of the novel [‘L’Étranger’] have revealed Meursault’s secret; the reason for his indifference is his sense of unreality. All his life he has lived with the same sense as Roquentin: All this is unreal.”

    “But the sense of unreality doesn’t torment him...He accepts life; sunlight, food, girls’ bodies; he also accepts the unreality.”

    @TNP – I have completed your Psychopathic Trait Tendency Assessment (PTTA). Should I publish the results on this blog or the previous day’s ‘Take the Test’ blog? Not that it’d probably particularly matter. I’m decidedly unsociopathic.

    But I'd be more than happy to publish them if you’re interested in the results of an Über-Empath [to use the neologism of yesterdays poster – who do we have to thank for introducing that little gem into the vernacular – Monica Moo? My spider senses suggest so.

    Though, to be honest I haven’t got the time, means nor inclination to go around unravelling the tangled webs of deceit with the multiple user-names on these threads. The site is enough of a head-fuck as it is to attempt that. So, I just leave that to the experienced train-spotters on this site.

    Cheers,

    Will

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    1. Ok TNP – here it is: If I were to self-diagnose based on the results, I would probably infer (not wanting to sound like a dick or nothing) but that I’m fucked up. I talk like a fag and my shit’s all retarded. What would you suggest I do?

      Core Base Psychopathic Personality Traits:

      -Superficial usage of charm [1]
      -Drastically lower levels of fear and anxiety [0]
      -Lack of empathy [0]
      -Lack of remorse [0]
      -Underdeveloped emotions [0]
      -Lack of respect or understanding of social norms and morals [0]
      -Impersonal relationships with family, friends and lovers [0]
      -Shallow to nonexistent affect [1]
      -High levels of cunning, deception and manipulation [1]

      Psychopathic Personality Traits sub-total [3]

      Core Antisocial Personality Traits:

      -High levels of apathy and lack of life goals [1]
      -Disregard and violation of the boundaries of others [0]
      -Recidivist criminality [0]
      -Low levels of impulse control [1]
      -Low tolerance for frustration [1]
      -Prone to violent outbursts [0]
      -Prone to parasitic relationships with friends, family, and lovers [1]
      -Prone to indulgence of narcotics, alcohol, and other habit forming chemicals [2]
      -Sexual promiscuity [0]

      Core Antisocial Personality Traits sub-total [6]

      Core Narcissistic Personality Traits:

      -Highly susceptible to criticism or praise [1]
      -Grandiose self-image [1]
      -Sense of entitlement [1]
      -Delusional and unrealistic goals [1]
      -Obsession with self [1]
      -Requires constant attention and prefers to be the center of it [0]
      -Easily and often jealous and angry [0]
      -Wants and feels they deserve "the best" of whatever they want or need [1]
      -Indulges in fantasy of wealth, power and fame [1]

      Core Narcissistic Personality Traits subtotal [7]

      Core Sadistic Personality Traits:

      -Prone to use physical or psychological harm to achieve their goals [0]
      -Humiliates or demeans others [0]
      -Utilizes unusually harsh punishments and lessons [0]
      -Takes pleasure or is amused by viewing or participating in the harming of animals and or humans [0]
      -Usage of intimidation [0]
      -Restricts the autonomy of those closest to the person [0]
      -Highly interested weapons, violence and torture [0]
      -Views others as toys to be played with and discarded when bored [0]
      -Takes pleasure in terrorizing and inducing fear and panic in others [0]

      Core Sadistic Personality Traits subtotal [0]

      Total: [16]

      Delete
    2. You should probably go to a Starbucks if you have time for a handjob.

      Thanks for sharing!

      Delete
    3. I knew I should’ve listened to CEO Sociopathworld and heeded his salient advice when warning Rich [September 16, 2012 7:56 PM] ; )

      Delete
    4. I hope you don't think my attempt at gutter humor was a jab :P Damn winks... Is he flirting or being facetious? Or both?

      Giggity.

      Delete
    5. Pandering to stereotypes now are we? Just because I’m a relatively educated Englishman it’s axiomatic I’m some effete Brideshead Revisted-reading Poindexter ‘Friend of Dorothy’.

      Well, just because I was buggered silly at boarding school all those years ago I can assure you my learned misanthropic friend, Ol’ William Oddfellow here doesn’t putt from the rough.

      Besides, it was all for God, Queen and country. Land of hope and glory. The sun never sets on the English empire. Rule Britannia.

      As CEO Sociopathworld would have it – I bid you good day, Sir!

      [And we English are supreme piss-takers also - par excellence] ~

      Delete
    6. Ascending from an impecunious childhood which was cloaked in the shadows of a philistine patriarch, I can certainly appreciate your whimsical and cavalier shenanigans.

      I would, however, caution you against the reproach of such base, crass pleasures without first indulging in them yourself.

      Delete
    7. A gentleman does not conga.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTchxR4suto

      ; )

      Delete
    8. That Mitchell and Webb look is an all-time favorite of mine!

      Delete
    9. “I see that it has been forced upon me from the start. I assure you it gives me no pleasure.”

      Complete with stimming, autistic hand-flapping dance ; )

      Altogether now – "Shake it, shake it like an Asperger’s baby" [sung to the tune of OutKast's 'Hey Ya']

      Delete
  54. Reading the first few posts from 09' caused me to wonder what the "creator" of this blog was thinking about this blog three years ago. Was there a particular direction the "creator" wanted this blog to go? Dd it get there? Have certain personalities brought about different changes/unexpected changes that may have moved this blog to different areas other than those desired?

    I say all that because for the most part the "creator" has played the "outsider". Except for some sporadic direct contact in the comments (and a puppet or two here or there) the "creator" only becomes an "insider" when they want to; which brings me to this...

    I think all children start off as outsiders. Acceptance is one of the first cravings we learn we have. I am uncertain what determines to what amount of acceptance a person naturally craves, some want to be cuddled and stroked while others are perfectly content with just not having stones thrown at them; but everyone starts off as an outsider. You "learn" to become an "insider" through contact and acceptance of said contact. Nothing changes because you are an "insider"... the world still is. If you are accepted as an "insider" because others have withstood your contact and accept what you bring to the table, but "deep down" you still "feel" unaccepted and still the "outsider"... what are you? "Insider"/"Outsider"?

    Long story a little more bearable; it's all a state of mind... insider... outsider... sociopathy... empathy... remember this; you NEVER know what truly goes on in another person's mind. All the tests, all the scans, all the dissections... you still don't KNOW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TOm hill I think you are right.

      I am person who is always feeling removed, like I am watching myself and others. I am very seduced into this kind of thing where my experience is muffled. But if I notice it I can try to force myself into here and nowness. I can totally engage in real time not just as an observer. It is effort but I can do it.

      Delete
  55. All that emotional crap is just politically correct moral presumptuousness. You can never know what someone really feels. You are just thinking how you would think if you are him. That is called moral presumptuousness. Who the heck do you think you are? Maybe you should actually listen and observe and stop trying to fit into other people's shoes, because you don't fit and never will. Run from anyone who thinks they know what is good for you. It is always better to be a hypocrite. Mussolini was a hypocrite and Hitler was true believer. The most dangerous combination is empathy and sincerity.

    evil = empathy + sincerity

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a lot to state.

      Delete
    2. Its called a fucking well reasoned and constructed argument. Read it, learn it and suck it.

      Delete
    3. evil= ANY man that lives in a box. Your reasoning is from within the box you exist in.

      Delete
    4. Anon 7:12

      That is the most ignorant description of evil that I have ever heard.

      Delete
    5. AnonymousSeptember 17, 2012 7:12 AM

      politically correct moral presumptuousness

      Delete
    6. Our inability to think outside our own definitions and reasonings are the origins of evil. Pure selfishness and blinded by prideful notions that his way of thinking is the only way of thinking.....PURE evil. historically proven

      Delete
    7. AnonymousSeptember 17, 2012 7:47 AM

      politically correct moral presumptuousness.

      Lets us try selflessness? Lets see if Tod has less than Mike, than Mike should sacrifice him self to Tod. And if Bill has less than Tod, than Tod should sacrifice to Bill. But people are always in the process of dying. So the only way to truly be selfless is to die.

      Go read history kid, altruism doesn't work. we tried it for 10,000 years. Only selfishness produce the greatest amount of wealth for the greatest amount of people. A poor man today live better than a king did 1 generation ago. If you care about relative wealth more than absolute wealth than you are a narcissist.

      Does that make sense to you or have you been in college too long that your brain is falling out? Try living in the real world. When you need someone to help you, always appear to their self interest. If you appear to their altruism they will only think of you as a burden. If you fell in quick sand, would you want to relay on someone's Self interest (iron chain), or selflessness (paper clips)?

      If you wouldn't bet your life on altruism and compassion than what a narcissistic piece of shit you must be to expect others to bet their life on it?

      You evil piece of shit

      Delete
    8. Just because someone says something with great sounding authority doesn't make it truth. History books are written by the victors, not necessarily the honest victors.

      Evil Am I

      Delete
    9. Anon 10:14

      Disagree. All non fiction books are written by knowledgeable, truthful people because they are scrutinized by all.

      Delete
    10. ^The best sellers, that is.

      Delete
  56. I don't understand.......how can it all be a state of mind? If that is true, it would imply a choice to be made. I cannot choose to not feel anymore than a sociopath can choose to feel. No matter the state of mind, I am predispositioned to feel......that's what's so confusing sometimes with S, Is it a state of mind? were they at one time feeling beings that learned the state of mind required to block pain for survival? Wouldn't that also suggest the opposite scenario for an empath? We really never do know do we?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a lot to ask.

      Delete
    2. were they at one time feeling beings that learned the state of mind required to block pain for survival?

      In my case this is true, But I m more borderline than socio.

      Delete
  57. For Rich
    CEO had a good point. You were asking the bad ass dudes questions that some of the woman should take a stab at.

    This is my take based on what I have learned at SW,what I have learned about myself and my general gut instincts.

    I think you grew up, unmirrored. It may have been your mother who could not "see" you, but needed you to be "good", perfect and PERFORM for her.

    You had to push aside your normal need to grow as an individual and have your own identity. Your own identity got squished down and instead, you became a trained monkey. You got treats when you performed. You got shunned when you did not.

    There are fancy names such as cathexis for this. This is classic for what a Narcissistic parent does to a child.

    Your description of your interactions with the woman screamed this out to me. Am I right? I had the same thing with my mother, so know from experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Monica I am so glad that you inspired me to take my Drama of the GIfted Child book off my shelf again. Or was that that dumb Sceli girl? No matter.

      I read the first pages and was astonished to see that we are people who make fun of ourselves when, if anything, the opposite is needed.

      I have done this a lot. I have made fun of myself. I don't do it anymore.

      Delete
    2. Well, to just say oh well, haha this is who ii am and my parents were idiots . hahaha i guess i was doomed like all the rest, haha, i am so fucked up and isn't it just a gas???

      I have gotten into trouble taking things so lightly.

      I saw an interview with sara silverman who said this kind of self deprecating "humor" was a trap. One thing, in the interview in particular stuck out. It's when she said such self-deprecating humor is too me me me oriented.

      Delete
    3. like one time I emailed a friend saying oh well, it looks like my current bf is a narcissist sociopath, haha. i must be into that thing these days haha. IMO it caused me to fling around my self as if it is a toy, not a treasure.

      Delete
    4. --it is almost like feeling like an outsider to my self.

      Delete
    5. Yes, it is self hatred. I, just, realized how much I have, too. It sucks.

      Delete
    6. "I have done this a lot. I have made fun of myself. I don't do it anymore."

      I take this back. I do do it. It is survival in between tears, and it's totally fine with me.

      Delete
    7. Yes, it is self hatred. I, just, realized how much I have, too. It sucks.

      Well I do not believe you.

      Delete
    8. The "outsider to yourself" is probably being numb i.e disassociated. This happens when we have too much trauma. It is a form of shock.

      Delete
    9. If you repeat, you are trying to get love. If you are trying to get love then you feel you are entitled to it.

      This is not self hatred, this is feeling entitled. This is how I have fooled myself into insisting someone loves me because i love them.

      You know that pragmatic thing people say? something about if you love someone then they do you?
      I was pragmatic about love. but i liked to fool myself because I did not know it. I cannot see it unless it stabs me.

      Delete
    10. Yes I agree. It puts into a state of fake apathy.

      I will be with someone and they will diss me and I will say it doesn't matter. They do what they do to make themself feel good and what do I care?

      I have had gentleman say to me after I confront them with being self centered or some shitty thing and they say "It's a good thing you are cute" . And I SAY to myself I don't care they are dissing me. Because I will get what I want or they get punished by me. If they want to pat me on the head like a good little cute angel and go about their day thinking they should do nice things so they can get nice things from the cute little girl with candy and ice cream i let them think what they want about me. I smile and nod because that is life.

      To some extent this is self hatred but my perception is no not really. I get a tad bit confused.

      Delete
    11. Rich the Uber-empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:31 AM

      Would this post be aimed at me?

      Delete
    12. RIch, if you are a person who puts women as second class citizens then yes i would say you deserve to have your money stolen by your pretty little trophy thing. Yes I would say you had it coming if she needed the dough and you pissed her off too many times without acknowledging your offense. Yes, this is directed at you, mr UBEREMPATH -HA! I prefer a man to just tell me straight out he is a womanizing pig than to hide and not admit so. ADMIT IT GODDAM YOU RICH ! WHat DID YOUR MOThER DO TO YOU THAT YOU HATE FEMALES????????

      Delete
    13. Calm Down---meds time

      Delete
  58. I guess i will go first you bunch of pussies lol. Some asshole bully in high school just walked up and punched me one day, i punched him back a few times. We both got suspended for a week and missed major tests resulting in my GPA going down the tubes and my only experience with summer school. A few months after the fight, on asshole's birthday, an anonymous tip led to him being caught with a gram of marching powder in his bookbag :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. anonymous, if that happened to you today, what would you do with the bully? I am asking because I will have the very same impulses and could have easily done this.

      Delete
  59. i'm a serious assholl
    who's full of shit

    ReplyDelete
  60. don't do drugs
    mm'kay

    ReplyDelete
  61. Rich the Uber-empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:17 AM

    Hey again ladies and gentlemen!!!!

    Does anybody want to be my friend?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go away or listen, Rich. We are talking serious business. Heed this shit.

      Delete
    2. I need to do some paperwork now. ME is on my ass. Good day.

      Delete
    3. Rich the Uber-empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:27 AM

      You fucking piece of shit!!!!! What gives you the power to tell me to "go away or listen"? Are you that grandiose that you think I would actually listen to you? LOL! Good one.....

      Anyway, I like having Monica as my friend......... I wish more people were as kind as her on here.

      You are a mean, agressive person. Are you a sociopath?

      Delete
    4. CEO is a cool dude. You can trust him.

      Delete
    5. This is a very weird place You need a few friends, or you can't do it. I have, always, had a few friends when I needed them xx

      Delete
    6. You mean the anonymous ones you invent? Haha

      Delete
    7. No TNP
      I just cop to the Fomentiles and Frank in his womanizing days.

      Delete
    8. *as kind as SHE, Rich. SHE.

      Delete
    9. What does that mean?

      Delete
    10. i am correcting your grammer from 10:27, that's all. Considerr yourself lucky someone read that post, a hole.

      Delete
    11. Where is 10:27, dude?

      Delete
    12. Rich the uber empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 6:56 PM

      Im right here...... Sorry that I got my grammar wrong :(


      Why are people so mean to newcomers here?

      Is it cause Iam an empath?

      Monica, do you have any personality disorders or are you an empath? You seem friendly when nobody else is, I think only disordered personalities can be so mean for no reason!

      Delete
    13. Rich the uber empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 7:17 PM

      To Anonymous @ 4:31pm before becoming the GRAMMAR police, at least learn how to spell grammar....... LOL!

      Delete
    14. LOL Rich
      You make me laugh
      I am not normal. More to come, in the future :P

      Delete
    15. WELL i SPELLEd GRAMMaR PURPOSELY WRONGLY ON PURPOSE, SO THERE.

      Delete
    16. Rich the uber empathSeptember 18, 2012 at 3:31 AM

      To gRAMMAR POLICE Purposely wrongly on purpose?!?!?! LOL You are even more of an idiot than I originally thought!

      Delete
    17. Rich the uber empathSeptember 18, 2012 at 3:32 AM

      Monica, oh okay I understand! This is getting interesting!!!!! I wanna know more!!!!!!

      Delete
    18. Rich, one has to dole oneself out in bits ;)

      Delete
    19. Rich the uber-empath, do you see what i did there at 10:08? THat is one way people make you crazy. If they are idiots and don't want to admit their mistakes because they are dumb or children or in businerss or in a card game, that is one thing, but if they do it consciously to a friend or spouse and know full well they are fooling you into believing they are stupid, they are purposely making you think that they are retarded. In order for you to excuse or forget about mean behavior. It is ONE way to gaslight a person . They make you feel sorry for being a retard, and that is what I did just there. That is what a sociopath may do.

      " Thank you for correcting my spelling.. " < that is the way a human does it.

      Delete
    20. ANd also when you call a sociopath not human they kind of like it. I am encouraging you to stay and pretend like you are a sociopath like all the fags here.


      See. I just did it again. I put down the socios here.

      See, you can also gaslight a socio right back. You make them think you are retarded for mirroring them, you make them think you are really stupid and you make them think you are getting over on them. But a socio knows that you didn't do that when you met them. <This makes them know you are playing with them. They get paranoid and they think the gig is over so they go away from you and get so tired of your "being on to them", thinking you are so so smart.

      Thenm they gobble you up with pressing on your boundary and really get you mad! tehayt is the stinger

      Delete
  62. Monica left a post for you. Check it out, Rich.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rich the Uber-empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:24 AM

      Is it on this thread?

      Delete
    2. Rich the Uber-empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 10:32 AM

      I dont think it was for me..... Coulda been though!

      Delete
  63. For Rich
    CEO had a good point. You were asking the bad ass dudes questions that some of the woman should take a stab at.

    This is my take based on what I have learned at SW,what I have learned about myself and my general gut instincts.

    I think you grew up, unmirrored. It may have been your mother who could not "see" you, but needed you to be "good", perfect and PERFORM for her.

    You had to push aside your normal need to grow as an individual and have your own identity. Your own identity got squished down and instead, you became a trained monkey. You got treats when you performed. You got shunned when you did not.

    There are fancy names such as cathexis for this. This is classic for what a Narcissistic parent does to a child.

    Your description of your interactions with the woman screamed this out to me. Am I right? I had the same thing with my mother, so know from experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rich the uber empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 6:49 PM

      I dont think Iam the same rich that you are talking about ..... I always post as "Rich the uber empath"

      Delete
    2. Rich the uber empathSeptember 17, 2012 at 6:52 PM

      And if this actually was to me, I have a Narcissistic father, but I havent spoken to him in over 10 years. I dont know if he is dead or alive, and frankly, I really dont care...... He is like cancer, he destroys everybody around him.........

      Delete
  64. I'm all grown up now lol. If some dick walked up and punched me now, we wouldn't be separated by teachers before getting the score straight. That being said, watching someone get hauled away in handcuffs and seeing the look of shock on their face is immensely satisfying :)

    ReplyDelete
  65. This is why I've always thought the "just be yourself" pat on the back to be such bullshit. It always backfired and turned into some gruesome attempt to drive a square peg into a round hole. But awareness of this ability to step in and out of the parade at will is extremely empowering and liberating once it is fully digested. The tormenting restlessness that precedes this just seems to melt away naturally from there on out. I suppose because maybe a series of illusions are destroyed and a new one emerges: the illusion of free will.

    ReplyDelete
  66. no matter what happens i love the shot out of you

    ReplyDelete
  67. dont give up on us baby

    ReplyDelete
  68. Ukaaaaaaan. I love you. Yes, I do.

    And I have missed you and these people don't understand you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be careful. His wife might feed you poisoned banana bread if you don't keep your panties on.

      Delete
    2. TNP, please do not undermine me. I am not a whore. And I do not like his wife's banana bread.

      Delete
    3. Eden has a new sock, Theodore. May I call you Ted LMAO

      Delete
    4. How does that make you a whore?

      Delete

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