Friday, February 8, 2013

Winning streaks and outsourcing

I taught myself to feel anxiety about certain tasks for my continued health and welfare. I taught myself to be sensitive and careful about certain select things. And now it is sometimes hard to turn it off.

This is not a design flaw. If I had made anxiety easy to turn off, I would turn it off whenever it was inconvenient to me to feel that way.

I'll give you an example of why it might be good or necessary to not have control. I have never been a gearhead. So I have a friend who makes all of my choices of what to buy in those particular areas. Sometimes I question his judgment, think maybe I might like something else. I was telling another friend about this and he said, "so why don't you just buy what you want then?" But that's the thing. I have outsourced the decisionmaking to my gearhead friend. If I second guessed all of his recommendations, then really I have not outsourced anything to him. I have just decided to get his opinion about things. But that's not what I want. I want to not have to decide.

Similar with the anxiety. I used to not care at all. I used to do the craziest things. Then I didn't like the consequences, so at least in certain areas of my life I set my brain to thinking more about particular important tasks. At first I made it a game. Can I do this simple but important task better than anyone else? Then the game became about consistency -- can I achieve this level of superior skill for the longest streak ever seen?

It was such a successful tactic that I kept adding tasks to care about. It's funny, in my mind and in my life I must have hundreds if not thousands of these little games going on by now. All simultaneous. All keeping my life together. And they are sort of important, that's why I singled them out once upon a time to care about. But now when something goes wrong, the feeling of loss or letdown I feel is out of all proportion to the relative significance of the small skirmish lost. Because it's not just the one mistake, it's the end of a winning streak.

It's sort of laughable, that I have made myself like this -- chosen the choices I have led which have, when compounded with hundreds of similar choices, made me care a lot about certain little things. I should maybe rethink the plan. But I also now better understand why most people are the way they are -- why nature or God has chosen to reinforce our important decisions like mating with emotions like love. We have to give ourselves some sort of system to rely on when our minds might be distracted -- some way to make sure that important things don't slip your mind or through the cracks. And my system does that too, and probably just as well or better than emotional reinforcement. But my system takes an incredible mental toll. And when my mind gets taxed just slightly above what I have expected it, I can push myself into mind sickness. So that's why I might have to reconsider my system. Or maybe I should just to outsource more.

110 comments:

  1. For heaven's sake, can't you sociopaths count?! No wonder you all have such a hard time! :P

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  2. "I taught myself to feel anxiety"

    What? You did what now?

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    1. I'm telling you, this M.E. freak is losing it, or maybe she always lost it. This website's full of crazy people.

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    2. No doubt. Anxiety is a natural occurance. You either feel it or you don't. I can make myself appear anxious and nervous but inside I'm not. I can even condition myself to "care" about certain things, but at no time can I MAKE myself worry about something. Even the stuff I condition myself to care about only gets a mondicum concern and never worry.

      I get naturally anxious over some things like food and public restrooms. But then again I'm a germ-a-phobe

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    3. Agreed. I have very low anxiety to begin with, but when I feel it it's unbearable, no matter how I try to rationalize it. Mostly it's paranoia, worrying about things some people could do to me that gives me that kind of anxiety.

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    4. I very rarely get anxious about anything, except for one thing: when people stare.

      Occasionally I would notice someone staring, and I would start feeling anxious and uncomfortable, other times I'd be fine with it.

      But I've noticed how some people actually enjoy the attention.

      Just, those rogue starers... We need laws against these bandits.

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    5. Occasionally I would notice someone staring, and I would start feeling anxious and uncomfortable, other times I'd be fine with it.

      Why? What are you afraid of and what goes through your mind at that moment?

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    6. I can feel it when someone is doing the stare.

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    7. Actually, now that I've thought of it, it only happens around certain people. I only feel uncomfortable around certain people, they usually notice me as well.

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    8. I think we know in the back of our minds that our worries are really only silly superstitions.

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    9. Bastard paranoia almost got me there for a moment.

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    10. Like I was saying, the reason I don't like it when people stare at me, is because it makes me feel awkward, like there's something wrong with my clothes or something,

      It's impolite to stare, you know.

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    11. It not easy being green.

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  3. Replies
    1. Good Morning Richie Poo! Question, how are you enjoying the forum? Took me a little while to catch on.

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    2. Good Morning Rich! Good Morning MyMind and Everyone!!

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    3. Anon what Forum? Here on the one where people talk? I havent been to that forum for a while but I post here daily.

      Hey Monica!!!! Hope your doing well!

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  4. Replies
    1. Hello everyone! I think this post is reflective of a lot of M.E.'s analyzation of her behavior. I for one don't like to analyze why I do the things I do or why I do it. I just do what I do..

      And I agree with her that the mind games with yourself are necessary to keep yourself motivated and in line

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    2. Maaaan, you guys get up veeeeery early.

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    3. Hey MyMind and M.Brig happy friday gentlemen!!!!!

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    4. MyMind.. I know we're tight and all, but you don't have to repeat everything I say ;)

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    5. I want to apologize for my good manners.

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    6. Rich, MyMind and M.Brig are the three tenors.

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    7. Wishing him a happy friday. since when is that bad?

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    8. It's not bad! I appreciate it <3

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    9. Thanks guys!!!! LOL Monica!!!!

      M.Brig was just kidding around and ....... I cant think of the word....... what is that word??????

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    10. SARCASTIC!!!! He was being Sarcastic!!! Damn it took me awile to think of that and it was killing me!!!!! It was on the tip of my tounge! LOL!

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    11. LOL Yes my mind, as I was looking for the word SARCASTIC, since I couldnt think of it, I found this about sociopaths and it applies to this situation.........

      "cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)"

      You didnt get that he was joking and being sarcastic ;)

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    12. Hi everyone. Happy Friday. QM

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    13. Oh, hahaha

      i thought you searched for "trolling".

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    14. Hey QM, how are you doing???

      No I saw that before about socios and I thought the word "sarcasm" would be in there with irony, hyperbole, satire, and metaphor ;)

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    15. I'll see you guys tomorrow, when my brain functions again.

      Have a nice day and gn8.

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    16. Have a good one MyMind.

      Not too bad Rich. How about yourself? QM

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    17. Don't leave mymind :-(

      I am okay QM, just having beer n wine :-)

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    18. Lol were u being sarcastic mymind???? Lol

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    19. Hi Monica.

      Hey Rich, how's the methadone recovery thing going? I've heard it's really hard for people to quit, but don't know much about it. I hope it's working for you. QM

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    20. MyMind has been awake since Wednesday. That's what he was talking about when he said his mind wasn't functioning properly

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    21. QM, its actually working great thanks! In fact its funny u ask that today because even tho I've been not smoking weed for awhile n if ur clean they let u start taking it home And after sixty clean days u get one dose a week to take home n after ninety clean days u get two and today is the first day I got two to take home!! But yes its very hard to get off of it.

      M.brig now I get what he was saying... thx :-)

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    22. That's good news! Not smoking would suck though, sorry. I got hooked on a prescription and it was horrible waiting out the withdrawals, but it only lasted three days, so I feel for you. QM

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  5. I am like the creature from the black lagoon. I am water logged and laden with seaweed. It drips off me, like spider webs. I am a fright. I do care about certain niceties, like my room fragrance, Fig. When you come into my house, it smells good. I, always, wear make-up, too. It is not too much, just enough. Then, I go outside and go about my business. Sometimes, the water drips under my skirt, as I go from my car to the store. I act like I don't see it or it is an accident, from someone else. I have been doing it so long. It is natural.

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  6. One day, the water may dry up and there I would be. Who knows what? I am amphibious, yet it would be a shock to the system. I may just go live on land, altogether. It would be easier, not to drag the aqueous world with me, but I am not one for changes in residence, without a lot of personal angst.

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    1. I put on fun house glasses, when I was young. Fat things became thin. Thin things became tall and ugly. Short things became humongous. I never took drugs because I was whacky enough with reality, such as it was. My glasses were diamond studded and cat lens shape. I had a different color for every day.

      I thought that if I took them off, I might die, like in spontaneous combustion. I suppose it would not be a bad way to go, fast.

      I, still, have them( my glasses) but they are no longer cute. They are ugly and present a bad image. I want to look like I am not going to combust, at any moment, if you know what I mean.

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    2. My anxiety is not delicate like a fine lady taking a sip of her tea. It is like the pilot who banged on the cockpit door and screamed that the terrorists were going to get him. They took him to the mental institution, when the plane landed. He rode the entire flight, on the floor under the asses of 3 huge security guys. It was pure luck that there was a convention of security guys because who knows what would have happened, if not. The pilot had a nice stay in the mental ward and was free of criminal charges. He was an upright pilot, up to that point. He looked normal enough, tanned, buff, quite a hunk. These things happen, I suppose.

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    3. Lots of good writing today, Sofa :) QM

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    4. Thank you, QM. I needed a little encouragement <3

      I have two heads, like when you are myopic and can't focus. Mine are close together, coming out from my neck, but two distinct ones, nevertheless. Each one has it's own personality. I like one and the other is pathetic whore. He is like Manechevitz Raisin wine. My Manechevitz face( I will call him Manny) has a big smile like Tony Robbins( or Howdy Doody). My other head( or face) will tell you to fuck off. I will call him Ike, after Ike Turner.

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    5. Manny is a good hostess. He doesn't, even, let anyone help with the dishes. When people come over, everything bad is shoved in drawers. Manny gives someone a dirty look, if they get near his drawer but other than that, he is very pleasant.

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    6. You don't like the part of you that's accommodating? QM

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    7. I feel I am stuck in that mode and I can't go to other parts of me.

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  7. This is my question for Medusa. Why don't you start talking as yourself, and not live in the dark world of a troll. If you cannot find your way in an online group like this, you will never find your way anywhere <3

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    1. I just came back to ask you, all, a question. Yes, Zoe, I think it is quite certain it is Medusa.

      This is my question. My friend told me that her husband would feel so humiliated every time he saw someone else get embarrassed, even if it was on TV~

      I am that way when I see someone who has any "bad' traits such as selfishness, envy etc. I don't feel embarrassed per se, but I feel *I* am bad, for seeing it in them. Does anyone understand?

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    2. My larger point is not to indict Medusa, but to encourage her to face what she really wants to say, rather than trolling.

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    3. yeah i sort of get it.

      maybe you overly identify with the other person? an empath thing?

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    4. Well, I did not know what I was doing until my friend told me. Somehow I am the bad one because I SEE it. It is more that

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    5. hey Monica...why shouldn't Medusa troll? why does she have to face what she really wants to say?

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    6. I just think that she is trying to say something in a passive aggressive way. It helps to force yourself to be up front and say what you want to say, rather than mess with people behind the scenes.

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    7. but in a way we're all messing behind the scenes whether we're posting under a username or as anonymous?

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    8. Well, for me, the more up front I could be, the more confident I get. You can learn many life skills from an online community and I have, from here ~

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    9. i guess what i'm thinking is that medusa has to figure it out for herself which may mean trolling for a while. maybe it can be a learning tool? have you never messed with people behind the scenes?

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    10. Never messed @@@@@@
      But, I know that people, gently, encouraged me, here and I was doing that, with her.

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    11. maybe not a bad idea

      but there's that old expression.. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make her drink. it seems to me she's at the watering hole already, has been drinking heavily from it, and now just wants to play in the mud.

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    12. sorry for that analogy medusa haha

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    13. but it;s nice that in a way you are welcoming her back

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    14. For the record, I've only ever been me, Sam Vaknin, and Jeff K.

      Of course I could be lying... teehee

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    15. Teehee what about posterior man in the Forum?

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    16. That was under my regular account, I think, or got switched to my regular account. It got all messed up and I never attempted using a anon account again. I still don't quite get how the cookies work over there and never bothered to try to figure it out.

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    17. "I am that way when I see someone who has any "bad' traits such as selfishness, envy etc. I don't feel embarrassed per se, but I feel *I* am bad, for seeing it in them. Does anyone understand?"

      Yes, it's that reaction formation thing.

      I have friend who is always always always comparing herself to others and i want to strangle her. It makes her ugly to me. I understand it's because i seee me do it inside myself and I think i am ugly and weak for it, too.

      Once i yelled at her that she shouldnt do it outloud because it makes her unattractive and is nauseating. That made her cry. She was just fixated on certain woman who her ex bf was dating, and comparing herself, and self loathing. I told her to just stop it because it was gross.

      Do I feel i am bad for noticing it in her? Idk if it is"bad' so much as it makes me angry to have energetic reaction to her. Most of the time I like my energetic reactions to stem from happy place.

      But this makes me feel close to the way I judge me when i see it in myself. (I do not want to feel close to the way I feel when I judge myself, because me hitting myself is my bad trait.) Maybe i angry she made me think of the bad trait.

      Anyway, she should just killl herself. KIDDING, all you folks with humor impairments.

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  8. Game example wouldve been nice. Does m.e. mean like... Who can do laundry the fastest? If theres thousands going on in mes life some ofthem are bound to be stupid like that.

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  9. Here is a must read for SW.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/07/justice/alaska-serial-killer-note/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

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  10. Here is how preschoolers are having fun with oral sex nowadays.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/07/health/church-preschool-child-development/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

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  11. reading all the comments made me loos it big time
    2much craZy for one person the handle

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  12. I don't see what's so strange about teaching yourself a little anxiety. I've had to induce some anxiety regarding personal finance and saving money. This is just a life hack for people who aren't risk adverse or aren't too motivated by consequences.

    Actually I hope ME explains more of what works for her in the future. I could probably use some ideas on how to outsource more, as well. QM

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  13. ME wrote...
    We have to give ourselves some sort of system to rely on when our minds might be distracted -- some way to make sure that important things don't slip your mind or through the cracks.


    1. outsource to blackberry / iphone / email / electronic and hardcopy document folders

    2. outsource to sticky notes (for the over 50 and old at heart, you sad saps)

    i check my to do notes every day to see what needs to be done, and adjust them as needed. maybe a bit ocd but my mind is freeeeee!

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    1. the problem with outsourcing to people is that they aren't as reliable as the little devices and don't fit in your purse or pocket.

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    2. Yeah, my phone is like part of my brain. It's the first and last thing I look at everyday.

      I outsource car issues to those to know better and because I'm kind of a jerk, I rely on friends to tell me when I'm being unreasonable and don't need to tear someone's head off. It helps. It probably wouldn't hurt to outsource more. QM

      (Zoe, did you see I replied to your comments yesterday?)

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    3. just saw it.. and replied.

      yeah me too, my phone is my external brain.

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  14. hey guys!

    i need to upgrade my device. should i go with blackberry or iphone? suggestions?

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    Replies
    1. so is there a boyfriend app? that'd be a selling point. i might give up the little keyboard and brickbreaker for a boyfriend app.

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    2. Uhm, there is something similiar and even better than that.

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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