Friday, February 15, 2013

Tell me doctor (part (3)

(cont.)


High school was boringly uneventful. I saw myself forced to attend to my senior prom dance, because my mother wouldn’t let me off it. So, to please her, I gave in. By the time I got to college I was more than sure there was more to than just some temporary ‘bad attitude’. It had to be. It wasn’t a phase anymore. I had been like this my whole life, placing aside any plausible traumatic events, which I handled with gold star ease. Of course, not being able to ask anyone and having more important things to handle, it had to take the backseat.

Nowadays, little things have popped up and made me wonder about a term. A word. Little things like my inability to make eye contact with myself. In the mirror. Like anybody else. Of course, the ability itself is there. But the seeing “beyond” the mirror thing, which people talk about, that, that I can’t do. Why? Simply because I see nothing. So, I become frustrated. Not that it means much to me to see something, it doesn’t. My eyes work perfectly, regardless of the abuse I put them through, and are visually pleasant. This vacancy frustrates me because, when I make eye contact with others, I can read them. I can see them far more clearly than by just reading the regular signs (behavior, mannerism, tone of voice, word choices, etc.) And with myself, I see nothing.

There are also the concepts of Empathy, Sympathy and Conscience. Those are fun. For about five minutes.

Not too long ago, I decided to bluntly ask, “What’s the difference between Empathy and Sympathy?” Needless to say, it caught those in the room off guard.

The question came to mind, and out of my mouth, because they were watching some 48 hour TV program which collects money for a foundation. It builds specialized hospitals for disabled children who do not have the resources for whatever problems they carry. Those in the room, they were very— touched. Me, I intellectually sympathized with the whole ordeal but found the program nauseating. And the reactions to it, those, those I couldn’t bear with. They were uncalled for, really. At least from my perspective. I was, I guess, disgusted.

But after identifying and understanding where the repulsion came from, I knew it was because I did not understand what was going on, emotionally. I don’t get that sort of thing. I can’t. In fact, after people tried to, aftershock, explain what the difference between the words was, I was still in need for a more technical meaning. Technically. That’s how I understand things. I looked up the meaning and description of both. 

Dictionaries. Google. They understand me.

To this point, I still think both words to be the same. I sense them as false pity. But you can’t say that to people because they’ll get hurt. Insulted. Guarded. Betrayed. “False.” It triggers a lot for the average folk. I’ve noticed. I have also noticed that I don’t know what being sad truly feels like. Much less depressed. 

People have made me wonder about a lot of things I’ve never experienced. And about those things which I enjoy but others see as abnormal. Like solace. Peers often see the pleasure I take on being alone as “sad”. To me, that’s a repugnant thought. It’s not sad, it’s liberating. It lets me breathe. Relax. Not having to put up with human interactions, it’s a relief. But again, I must create relationships because it’s boring when you’re alone for too long. I don’t need people but I’ve always liked observing human interaction. Even when I partake.

I remember, when I was a kid, hiding out on our house’s rooftop. Under my bed. Anywhere. Anywhere to be out of reach. Sometimes I was found, sometimes I wasn’t. Either way, the ending to these episodes were always the same. Me, coming back to the family as if nothing had happen. Because, well, nothing had happen. Though I could tell my parents were angry. Mad at me for disappearing. I never acknowledged their frustration. I didn’t see why I should care. I still don’t. If they were worried, angry or scared, it was not my problem. As far as I was concerned, I could do as I pleased. I mean, I wasn’t hurting anybody, technically. So it was okay. Was it too much to ask just to be by myself? Nope. Not to me. Even if I was five. These “disappearing acts” were none of their business and so they remained.

Then comes my thoughts on Conscience. Which I thought were the same as everyone else’s. Apparently, and accordingly to a certain book, I was wrong. Making it to the point, what I think of Conscience is just a taught behavior. A mimic. Like table manners while growing up. Our parents, the surrounding responsible adults, teach us to differ between Right and Wrong, in the same way they were taught by their own. That’s how I see conscience. Thing is, that could also be considered as the superego. I guess that’s what I get for deconstructing every little thing. Deconstructionist. I should add that to my resume.

Another subject that leaves me at odds is Mortality. Others’ and my own. I don’t think I see it properly. Even my father’s death didn’t affect me as much as expected to. Me being on the verge of dying (under the knife, in various occasions), didn’t affect me. Family members dying, friends... nothing. At this point, and maybe it’s because of the many years as a patient that have me trained but, none of that affects me as I see with other people. I remember being the only one with dry eyes at my father’s funeral. It was, weird.

It is due to this lack of--whatever it is that makes people so emotionally invested, that my mother says she’s scared of me. She is afraid because of my “apathetic”, “tactless”, “unemotional”, “shameless” and “antisocial” behavior. Her words not mine. Of course, this is something I cannot help. Seeing death as just the end of a cycle. It happens and that’s that. I understand that people miss people. I mean, I miss my father’s company, now and then, but there’s nothing tragic about it. Not even if they were killed, or murdered.

Because of this, people tend to see me as cruel. Mean. Cold. That last might be true. But Cruel? That I only am when interested in being so. For example, something I should feel ashamed about, though I’m not, to enjoy psychological torment. It’s a real thrill. Most of the time, just to be perverse. For pure sadistic fun. I can’t help myself. As said, I should feel ashamed, but I’m not. Then again, I rarely am. And when I become aware that I should be, I flaunt my wrong doings. As you may have noticed.

Anyway, to finally put an end to this novel, my most recent realization. 
One day, not too long ago, while sitting about, thinking, it came to me like a car crashing on the back of my head. “I feel like a ghost.” The words merely mouthed but quite present.

I’ve always been aware of this inertia. This suspended animation. This separate life I’ve carried. But I’ve never been really able to verbalize it accurately. Until now. The best way I can put it, it’s like the entirety of your existence is parallel to those around you. Like watching life take place, observing it happen. Every single thing. But you’re behind a plastic sheet. A transparent, endless and inescapable curtain which allows you to be seen, to be superficially acknowledged by others, “the living”, but you never really partake in their lives. You exist. Sure. But you’re not quite with them. That’s what being what I am feels like. Whatever it is I may be.

Since I was a child I always danced around the thought of disappearing. One glorious day would come and I will take off, without a word to anyone, and disappear. For good. Never to be heard of, or from, again. My childhood fantasy. A dream. Some kids dream of being a princess, of adventures, of growing up and being like mommy and daddy. Me? I dreamed of isolation. Of finally being able to be absolutely free. To be myself without calculating every word, every movement, every thought. To be alone. What a dream.

So, do tell. Should I seek psychiatric help or, is it all manageable enough? Regardless of what the answer might be, I politely thank you for taking the time and reading this unnecessarily long email. Have a good one.

46 comments:

  1. Never underestimate the importance of good table manners.

    ReplyDelete
  2. >Deconstructionist

    Not to burst your bubble, but... http://gilescorey.bandcamp.com/album/deconstructionist

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Definitely grabbing that. There will never be enough shoegaze.

      Delete
    2. It's not... shoegaze. Or even music, really. It's a sonic experiment made with binaural audio to try make the listener feel a state of death/depersonalization/dissociation. I had strange and amusing experiences with that record.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Benny <3 I got your valentine ;)

      Delete
    2. Hey MyMind and M.Brig and Monica!!!!!

      I dont know about to you guys, but this guy dosent seem anything like a sociopath to me, HE SCREAMS OF BEING A SCHIZOID..... They have trouble with their feelings and empathy as well........ He just dosent give off that sociopathic "vibe".

      Delete
    3. Gotta say Rich. I agree with you. He sounded Schizoid from day 1. His manner of speech tips it.

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    4. I totally agree with you Haven, I even said it before today, he is missing a lot of sociopathic traits and all of the most prominent traits are Schizoid...... He asked if he needed help at the end, and if he wants help, I think he should go be honest with his mental health professional like he has been here..... Than hopefully he can get help or take meds or both.... I think he is confusing his personality disorder with antisocial personality disorder, because in some ways they are the same but overall they are completely different......

      Delete
    5. Rich is full of shit! when did his sorry ass get so quick and insightful. stop falling for this guy's bullshit. he has liitered this site with more bait than the most deadliest catch. Circle jerk, liar, faggot!!

      Delete
    6. TNP--come out from hiding, you grouch ^^^

      Delete
  4. Good Morning Rich, MyMind, M. Brig, PM and Everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I get a distinctly female vibe from the one who wrote the emails, even though 'she' uses no gendered pronouns. ME on the other hand remains a sexless enigma.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am telling you, M.E. has a penis!!!

      Delete
    2. There's quite a few clues on this website and on a more popular other to indicate otherwise

      Delete
  6. Is M.E the author or is it a reader? Whoever it is writes, beautifully!

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  7. I have to say, it's somewhat "refreshing" to see other people that ask themselves about their purpose, or lack thereof. It's still a question I have no answer to, but I hope I'll find out the answer some day

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ther is no pupose ther's only fun and coleteral

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    2. Well yes, but where does it lead to in the end?

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    3. it begins at birth and ends at death

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    4. like everything

      Delete
  8. I have an untrained 5 pound terror, known as my dog. She barks, nips and runs out the door, like a bullet, if someone leaves it open. Sometimes, I have to lift her up,suspended in the air, to make her shut up.

    Way down deep, in my most interior part, I feel like I was made to be thrown away, like some out of date piece of clothing that stayed in the closet so long that the styles changed.


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My other dog was trained, and well enough. Not Rambo, but not a terror on 4 legs, either. I got this dog, at the worst time in my life. Is that an excuse? Probably. I did not know what to do in the circumstances. My dog is the outgrowth of the concept that nothing makes sense.

      Delete
  9. From the website of Melanie Tonia Evans....

    How to Muscle Test

    With your dominant hand hold your thumb and index finger together, and make the pressure firm.

    Now, with your non dominant hand put your thumb though the ‘circle’ you have made with your dominant hand and then join your thumb up with the index finger on your non-dominant hand.

    You should now have a figure 8, with your non-dominant hand thumb and index finger inside your dominant hand thumb and index finger.

    Now I want you to say to yourself this statement

    “My name is (your name)”

    Now whilst keeping strong pressure with your dominant hand try to break the circuit open with your non-dominant hand by quickly pulling your non-dominant hand through to try to break the circuit.

    If you can’t, your answer is ‘Yes’. You will have received a ‘Yes’ for this test – you won’t be able to break the circuit.

    Now make this statement: “My name is (use a different name).”

    Now do the test again , making sure that you have strong pressure with your dominant hand. You will find that you will easily break the circle when you make this statement regardless of how much pressure you exert to try to keep your dominant thumb and index finger ‘closed’.

    Your answer, when you can break the circuit is a ‘No’.



    Isis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHOA!!!!! That was freakin weird!!!!!! Everything you wrote happened to me when I did that!!!!

      Why? Is it because I expected it to happen the 2nd time? Or is it something else?!?!?!?!

      That was pretty cool!!!!!

      Delete
    2. How strongly do you feel about your convictions?

      Great, now my finger's out of joint.

      Delete
    3. Anon- Which specific conviction do you mean?

      The DUI???

      The selling and growing cannabis?

      Trespassing?

      Trespassing on govenrment property?

      Possession of alcohol under 21 years old and Disorderly Intoxication?

      I have a few convictions.....

      LMAO!!!! LOLOLOL ;)

      Delete
    4. ...a statement of truth increases personal power and strength, and a false statement decreases personal power and strength.

      By using muscle testing you will be able to test whether or not your Inner Identity beliefs are aligned with any statements or not.

      While doing muscle testing it is important to frame your questions in a way that you will receive a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer.

      For example if a man was to get a no to the statement “I will be successful in my business” , we know he does not believe this statement deeply within himself and he shall fail.

      Isis

      Delete
    5. Very interesting Anon @ 2:25, thank ypou for mfollowing up on that! That was pretty cool when I did the finger thing, I find that to be interesting......

      What is the exact address of the website this is on? Can you post a link?

      Delete
    6. There are a few websites but the religious one goes into more detail.
      http://www.religionandreality.com/tht-09-muscle-test.html


      Isis

      Delete
    7. The muscle test didn't work for me, possibly because I'm a sociopath and am therefore accustomed to lying about a variety of things.

      Delete
    8. Anon,

      Interesting,

      Wonder how the individual who feels like a ghost would fare.

      Isis

      Delete
  10. The poster appears to be describing some sort of persistent state of derealization in today's post. That would make sense as a result of the repeated occurrences of going under the knife as a child. Getting therapy would definitely help.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Everyone loves what you guys are usually up too.
    This type of clever work and coverage! Keep up the very good works guys I've added you guys to our blogroll.

    My blog post jillaroo

    ReplyDelete
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    me, simplу go to see this website еvеry
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  13. Hi Rich. Happy belated Valentines Day. I wanted to ask you something about the Dr's office which gave you the prescriptions.

    How many overdoses were reported?

    ReplyDelete

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