Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Tell me doctor (part 1)

From a reader:


I was born close to twenty-five years ago to a nice, inexperienced, young couple. I am told I was an average baby, behaviorally speaking. Except, before I was six months of age, I was diagnosed with a congenital cardiovascular condition. This placed me on the operating table in a nothing less than immediate timing. (Hereby why I suspect any attachment disorder and aspd just about equally.) My mother tends to repeat the tale of the aftermath, which obviously made an impression on her. How as they visited me, while in intensive care, my infant self, awake, turned away from them and did not give into any gestures of affection.

In my early years, I noticed, and this from personal memory, that I had no real connection to my parents. Or anyone, for that matter. Sure, they were my parents but, I was still in some separate, parallel existence. Needless to say, I never spoke of this perception to them, or anyone else. In fact, this poor excuse of a letter might be the first time I let anyone on my little dark "secret". I don't mind it though. If anything, it's like lazily tossing a pillow.

As a child, I saw the people around me, especially and most specifically adults, play make-believe in a continuum, inescapable game. I saw it all as hypocritical and obnoxious nonsense. Then, the predicted reactions came along, "Why should I play along?" et cetera. By the time I was in kindergarten, I'd already decided to keep the peace. To play along. With my immediate group, at least. My family.

Family. There goes an interesting concept on its own.

Unknown to her, I've never had a relationship with my mother. If anyone were to ask her, I'm sure she'd say the exact opposite. Which is fine by me. It keeps the peace, as said. With my father, it was a whole different story. If I could ever call anyone a "friend", for whatever I might consider a friend to be, if I was ever "close" to anyone at all, it was him.

Somehow, and this I can't explain, I think he saw me for what I was. Whatever that may be. Therefore, and because he was my father and acted the role to the letter, I could be myself with him. There would be no overreaction. No questioning. Regardless of what I did, this without passing judgement simply because of our ties, he accepted me. I'm not sure if he understood me, thoroughly, though there was a certain willingness for that too, but there was acceptance. In addition to this objectiveness from his part. I could sense it, at arm's length, now and then. Not overly abrasive nor cold. Simply, objective.

That distant relationship was the best thing I could possibly ask for, if I had ask for anything at all. Though I knew, somehow, it was abnormal. Which, again, was fine with me.

One thing that has recently made wonder about this father and offspring companionship is the memory of those odd bits from my already unorthodox childhood. I remember being cruel to some of our house pets. In both occasions, my father was present.

I cannot say what made me do it, nor why didn't he just stop me, or applied some sort of punishment for my behavior. He did not. He didn't stop me from shoving toilet paper down that puppy's throat, or from beating my 'favorite' cat while in bed. Both actions were spontaneous. I never planned on being cruel. I never even thought about doing anything of the sort. But I did it. Out of nowhere came those two-inch, discorporated fists of mine. And I say Discorporated due to the lack of proper wording to what happened. 

Without trying to sound textbook, I can sincerely tell you that I felt nothing. That is precisely why I remember things clearly. Maybe too clear for my taste. 

My father did not say "stop" or "this is wrong". He simply watched and, before things escalated, with some twisted humor (I took it as such anyway), he'd say something like, "Poor cat." Then, I'd stop and try to figure out why was the cat "poor"? It wasn't necessarily a question but, my job was to understand why he'd say something like that. Why should I feel bad for the cat? I saw it as a lesson. I couldn't say if that's what he attempted to do, I never asked, but that's what I got from it.


112 comments:

  1. "a continuum, inescapable game... hypocritical and obnoxious nonsense" Indeed.

    You're dad sounds cool. Thanks for explaining what worked well with him. QM

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    1. i do like the cute cat picture

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    2. looks like a snowshoe on steroids

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    3. Mmm rilaline
      niccccccccccccce

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  2. I'm sorry but anyone that tortures animals is an asshole!

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    1. You should realise that most people here would take asshole as a compliment of the highest order.

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    2. For real, I would beat this guy the way he beat his cat and dog and than see how he likes it......

      I hope nobody will feel bad for him either since when you beat something (whether it be a human being or a cat) you shouldnt feel bad for it, according to this stupid poster.........

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    3. His brain won't let him feel remorse. I'm not saying I agree with animal torture. I don't do it. But some socios are wired differently

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    4. @Rich the Uber Empath:

      I rather see neurotypical people in distress, rather than those whose brain are wired like mine. I believe it's called being social. I'd much rather see harm come to people who don't realise the futility and insignificance of our lives and those who desperately try to be vigilant about people 'like me'. I don't have a problem with the world not only being cruel by the standard definition of NTs, but it's also completely absurd. And it gives me pleasure and childish joy to see those who're blind to the realities of life being smiten by it.

      If you're offended by mere mention of animal torture enough to post on comments, maybe you should consider why in the first place you're coming to these parts at all, whether you enjoy seeing 'evil sociopaths' igniting anger in you. Maybe you're not so different from us after all, and you want retribution (read: violence), and the only way to justify it is to redirect it at 'those who commit it in the first place' so that you can fit nicely within the expectations of your societal values.

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    5. "But some socios are wired differently"

      Sociopath be wired like a sociopath. Someone wired differently would be something else.

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    6. "And it gives me pleasure and childish joy to see those who're blind to the realities of life being smiten by it"

      Why?

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    7. "Why" ~aspie

      Because that's as close to life making sense for me. I have my agendas, contingency plans and tertiary options ready in motion, precisely because I don't trust world to be the the all the peace and fuzz that nts try to make it out to be. Furthermore, I don't need life to be 'fair' or 'peaceful' for it to be beautiful.

      I take life as it is - violent, destructive, chaotic, exhilarating, exciting. Everything that people put in between themselves and the life -security measures, social codes, moral guides, hopes- distracts from the beautiful sensation of living.

      It's utterly poetic to me that someone who avoided being hurt / destroyed, being destroyed so utterly. There's beauty in motion and not in statis, and life has a weird way of making sure those who try to stay in their places will fall back so utterly behind.

      "I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!" Joker from TDK

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    8. Anon 5:01, not all sociopaths are violent. Likewise, not all of them have exactly the same tendencies. That is what I meant by saying they are wired differently.

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    9. thearcanist ~

      It is your option to live your life any way you choose but if you don't respect the boundaries of others I know for a fact that your life is chaotic.
      That is how the Universe operates and you get back what you put out there.

      Furthermore, if you're trying to convey that your way of life is far better for everyone - that's a lie and you're delusional loser.

      Also, there are no restrictions on anyone coming to this site - if you don't like others posts - don't come here.

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    10. Anon- Iam aware of that but what fun or excitement does a person, ANY PERSON, get from torturing a defenseless animal? IT IS DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC.......

      TheArcanist- Not all of these people here are "Evil Sociopaths".... Hell, even alot of the sociopaths here are not "Evil" according to my standards.

      To me, you seem like one of those people that think to be a sociopath/psychopath you have to be an evil and sadistic piece of shit...... But that just simply isint true. Just because you are on/try/wannabe one dosent mean all others are like you......

      Anonymous @ 8:57 is COMPLETELY RIGHT........ You do sopund like a delusional loser and EVERYBODY has the right to post here, not just you....... I wrote that comment to see how he would like it if I were to torture him, do you think he should be beaten the way he beats other things so he can than ACTUALLY MAYBE HAVE SOME EMPATHY toward the physical suffering of a living/breathing thing?

      Killing animals humanely for food is one thing..... Sadisticly tortuing a defenseless animal for no reason other than to see it in pain and get pleasure out of it is disgusting and shameful........ My advice, get another hobbie if you are that bored/sick, or just put a bullet in your brain for the good of society.

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    11. Also, M.Brig, I get what you are saying but if you want to be violent be violent on somebody your own size who can defend themselves and actually have a chance........ THis guy tortures animals who have no chance of winning, and for no reason, that is sick.......

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    12. Sorry rich... I'm having a hard time picturing you beating up anyone XD

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  3. I've done bad things to animals, and yet I love my cat and would never hurt her.

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    1. Laughable. You must be abusing your cat without even realizing it. How sad will you be when she dies because of your lack of care?

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  4. Replies
    1. Hey M.Brig!!!! How are ya doing today?

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    2. Hey my buddys, how are ya all doin' today?

      I am fine :)

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    3. Oh the usual, you know, thinking about you at every waking moment

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    4. Awwww, isn't he so sweet? :)

      heyho Monica! :)

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    5. Glad to hear that M.Brig!!!!!

      Hey MyMind and Monica!!!!!!

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    6. Hi everyone :) QM

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  5. Interesting post. Sometimes I ask myself "why I play along" too.

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    1. What kind of things do you "play along" with, M. Brig?

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    2. Vague answers, as usual M. Brig.

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    3. Good Morning Rich. Good Morning, M Brig :D

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    4. Good morning Monica, Rich, M Brig, anon!

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    5. what is beautiful?

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    6. Good Morning Everyone!!!!!

      LOL The animal torturer got me a little heated!! lol

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    7. Hey M.Brig and MyMind I was rereading the thread from the other day when you asked for my age (24) and one of you said we were close in age and the other said they thought I was older than them.....

      Iam just curious, how old are you guys?

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    8. Mac is 21, and i am 19, but that doesn't stop our love.

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    9. LOLOLOLOL MyMind!!!!! Thank you for answering that!!!!!!

      You guys are funny!!!!!!! I havent seen such a good sociopathworld relationship since Ellicit and Raven!!!!!! LOLOLOL

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    10. haha, thanks dude, i appreciate it! :)

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  6. I've beat my neighbour's dog to death because it had bitten my little sister's hand. Still, we could all justify something one way or another, but what difference does it make when the outcome's the same.

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    1. I feel sorry for you where that choice took you and you will remember that scene, always.

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    2. Did you feel something while doing it?

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  7. Once a dog bites you, you are always going to be "that bitable person" to it.

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    Replies
    1. LOL.....that holds true for humans too. We haven't progressed much. lol

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    2. I know, thanks for getting that :)

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    3. Thats a cowards statement, ive found a solid right hook will cure most any dog of a biting problem. Most people as well for that matter.

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  8. if i have a choise i'll bully an asshole over an animal or normal person
    makes me look good while doing bad
    does that make me highfunctioning?

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    Replies
    1. What makes a person an asshole?

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    2. Just picture a scene with the civil servant sociopath.

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    3. makes you look heroic.

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    4. that and my hugo boss

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    5. Ha. Figures a sociopath will love Boss. . . . . .



      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2040943/Hitlers-Tailor-Hugo-Boss-apologises-using-slave-labour-make-Nazi-uniforms.html

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  9. Sorry rich, but it's unlikely your an empath.

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    1. Rich, how do you feel about the crooked doctors who gave you the prescriptions?

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    2. I feel like they were doing me a favor, I paid them $200 and they wrote me #310 (three humdred and ten) 30mg Oxycodone pills, #90 2mg xanax pills, and #60 2mg Klonopin pills per month.......

      I feel no animosity torward them because I was addcted before I started going to them, they honestly helped me out because I was paying 80 cents to $1 per pill and all my friends were buying the same pills on the street for $10....... BUT, it also led to me having a HUGE TOLERANCE and a much bigger addiction than them but it wasnt the doctors faults, it was mine.........

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    3. Thanks for answering, Rich.

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    4. yes it was the doctors' fault.

      they knew what would be the outcome. you didn't. they over prescribed and turned you into a bigger addict to pay off their nice big homes.

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    5. Dont attempt to turn the man into a victim, admitting your own faults is an admirable trait and a necessary one to move away from addiction. Cold turkey does NOT work on pharmaceuticals. Blaming the doctors would be the act of a child and would stand in the way of his long term growth as a human being.

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    6. it's like you're stating two opposite things. how exactly will admitting his faults help him move way from addiction when he's physically addicted and cold turkey doesn't work? it is the doctors' fault. they were aware of the consequences. crooked system.

      he was just a kid when he got addicted. how is it his fault?

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  10. Not saying it isn't real, but this reader writes with the "be sad for me" tone. Melodramatic "pity me" tones:

    "In fact, this poor excuse of a letter might be the first time I let anyone on my little dark "secret". I don't mind it though. If anything, it's like lazily tossing a pillow."

    I see him looking in the distance, clutching a handkerchief and doing a lot of sighing.

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  11. Avoidant Attachment Style due to trauma with dissociated defense mechanisms.

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    1. Oh.

      Is this style considered to be "dramatic" style like bpd and other cluster b group?

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    2. No this has nothing to do with cluster groups (which are essentially irrelevant). It's an entirely different theory of developmental attachment.


      Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment

      Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid parents and caregivers. This avoidance often becomes especially pronounced after a period of absence. These children might not reject attention from a parent, but neither do they seek our comfort or contact. Children with an avoidant attachment show no preference between a parent and a complete stranger.

      As adults, those with an avoidant attachment tend to have difficulty with intimacy and close relationships. These individuals do not invest much emotion in relationships and experience little distress when a relationship ends. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses (such as long work hours), or may fantasize about other people during sex. Research has also shown that adults with an avoidant attachment style are more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex (Feeney, J., Noller, and Patty 1993). Other common characteristics include a failure to support partners during stressful times and an inability to share feelings, thoughts and emotions with partners.

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    3. Oh. Thank you, Haven.

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  12. The readers story is a classical everyday life of the American family that has one sociopathic parent and both parents are in denial.

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    1. You think the one sociopathic parent is the father?

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    2. This doesn't have to have anything to do with sociopathy at all. It is characteristic of trauma and even mildly negligent parental care though.

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    3. Anon 9:44
      "You think the one sociopathic parent is the father?

      Do you?

      Haven
      I disagree. The father definitely lacked empathy and more info is needed for trauma theory.

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    4. Did the father lack empathy? He expressed remorse for the cat, but no discipline. The Reader describes objective distance, but is that their perspective b/c they can't connect or actual distance from the father?

      Having little to no relational affect does not necessarily indicate sociopath. There are other things to consider and this doesn't give a broad enough picture. Then again, it's only Part 1. Maybe Part 2 will show otherwise.

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    5. The son referred to his parents as "nice." Who describes their parents as nice to others when trauma is involved? No one!

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    6. The reader states his father did not stop him from putting toilet paper down a "puppy's throat" and the beating of the cat. That's remorse?

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    7. The trauma I'm referring to was his infant heart surgery that was not the fault of his parents.

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    8. He said "poor cat", okay not much remorse, but that was apparently all it took to get him to stop tormenting the cat, so he didn't go further.

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    9. Reread what the reader stated about the father "knowing."

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    10. Yeah, he said there were all of two incidents. Maybe his father was a jerk but that doesn't make the father a sociopath.

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    11. And your proclamation that he is "not" a sociopath hold any truth.

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    12. Yeah, anon 9:54
      I got the feeling that if there was a choice of either parent, the father would be the sociopath. I think a normal parent or a narcissistic parent, or an empathic one would freak out.

      Not only that, i had the fantasy the dad may have done the same in his youth, before mellowing. He didn't seem phased.

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    13. My opinion doesn't mean shit, nor does yours, if it's not what actually is. People here love to speculate. I like to interject the question. It doesn't matter to me either way, but there is zero proof one way or the other here so why speculate when there's no real idea.

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    14. A narc parent wouldn't care unless it effects their communal standing. Unless you live in an insular bubble there are so, so many people in this world that don't believe animals have feelings or are deserving of care... even the people that have them as pets... that they abuse them like nothing is out of the ordinary. Animal abuse, like the mistreatment of women, of children, as second class, third class, non equal class, is utterly unordinary... but it doesn't designate someone as a sociopath. It just means they're an uncivilized asshole that isn't incredibly education or able to see beyond their own ego.

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    15. I'm well aware there are people - as you described.

      This reader appears to be intelligent at the age of 25 and described his parents as nice but inexperienced in their parenting. His descriptions gave no clue of them being uncivilized, uneducated and mistreatment of others. But a large portion of the readers story was his confusion? over his fathers lack of concern for his behavior in hurting the animals.

      A person with empathy would be aware of the pain of the animals.

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    16. Are you familiar with the term "hunters". There are massive scores of people that don't believe animals have or feel pain to a human extent. It doesn't register to them because they don't value animals in that way.

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    17. I think part of it is taught. People who hunt usually have parents who hunted. Also,it probably helps not to be too empathic. There's a very primal thrill with hunting and being hunted.

      It's obviously the idea of shooting animals for sport rather than food that puts us at a lower level than our ancestors. But we have desensitized ourselves in killing animals in order to provide us with meat.

      I have a religious cousin that hunts and I see his hunting as acts of aggression. He enjoys the feeling of power that comes from it.

      I'm curious do you object to the medical field stating that adolescents that harm animals in a sadistic manner is a sign of sociopathy?

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    18. Coming from a rural area where people hunt for food as well as sport I can tell you on no uncertain terms that around here enjoyment of a feeling of power has nothing to do with it. Anybody who feels powerful after shooting an animal that is stupid enough to run headfirst into a pickup that is doing 60 mph is an idiot.

      I myself have had to hunt to survive without a roof over my head and I can tell you that I felt nothing but appreciation when I shot those rabbits. I didnt feel guilty about breaking their necks when they didnt die outright from the bullet. I feel no remorse about gutting, skinning and butchering them. I felt proud that I was able to land the shot, as well as happy and grateful to be able to eat.

      I'm an omnivore they are prey, I will kill and eat them if I need to and I will not kill them if I dont have to, that isnt vindictive its as close to the natural order as you can get without becoming another link in the food chain yourself.

      As long as your cousin is eating his kill he has the right to enjoy making the kill. If he is going for a trophy and not eating it or at least giving the meat to friends and loved ones, then he's an asshole who should be left in the woods alongside the deer carcass.

      However, judging from the fact that you felt the need to mention that your cousin is "religious" despite the fact that that has no bearing or importance to anything else you said, or any point you attempted to make, i'm going to venture a guess that your cousin is not the asshole here. My guess is that you stereotype your cousin into the "redneck" category without ever bothering to ask his opinions on your shallow little judgements. Seems to me that your another self righteous bitch out to judge folks whose culture you have no understanding of.

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    19. Haven, you seem like a somewhat intelligent person so its disappointing to see such a broad generalization on your part. To claim that all or even most hunters believe that their prey feels no pain is mind bogglingly ignorant. Hunters arent idiots. Any hunter watching an animal writhe around on the ground screaming in agony recognizes the amount of pain its going through, you would have to be seriously deranged not to. This besides sheer skill is why the most admired hunters are the ones who can land a heart shot and make a clean kill. If they didnt care about causing the least amount of pain they wouldnt spend hundreds of their hard earned dollars on accurate equipment

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    20. You are one angry, vacuous idiot.

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    21. Anon 6:05
      Talk about mind bogglingly ignorant: You assume to know my thoughts on my cousin without any background other than "religious." Only a warped mind would make such a hideous statement.

      My cousin is a prosperous, successful, educated, frugal individual who takes excellent care of his family and himself. He enjoys nature and jogs 4 miles a day and teaches at the college at night. No one would EVER consider him to be a "redneck." And only an idiot would assume to know my thoughts by one word.

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  13. Haven your blog is so good.

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  14. M.E's tweet is right. The empath does not want to see the depravity of his own nature and that of others. Speaking for myself, it feels like fire to see what I am made of, what I am capable of, how I have not really matured where it counts. I just shut down and called that maturing.

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  15. When my mother dies, there will be demons, of Biblical proportions, flying up out from her the grave They may be frogs or lice. They call it pestilence. They will be looking for another host, so people at the funeral better watch out.

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    1. Sofa, you are black or white magician?

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    2. Ok just for the sake of humor how would you define demons of non biblical proportions?

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  16. To the OP:
    The only started giving babies morphine (or any pain killers) in the 1990's to infants and babies. Yes, they did open heart surgeries without any pain meds to babies. When you go under for surgery, you are given a drug to paralyze you, one to keep you asleep, and another one to kill the pain. You missed out on the pain meds.
    The medical community did sick things, IMO. They said it was too dangerous to give a baby morphine, and they also thought babies didn't feel pain. So, you suffered greatly as a baby.
    Parents are supposed to protect their children, esp a mother. A baby would not be able to comprehend that such a traumatic surgery was something to save its life. It would be a seen as a betrayal and his mother's failure to love and protect him.
    So, OP, your mom wasn't doing something bad to you. She was saving you. It was the f**ked up medical community that hurt you as a baby. Probably not going to do any good telling you this, but ya never know.
    Your father sounds like the biological link that allowed the surgery to trigger it. Who knows. We are all probably genetically screwed up with all of the "wonder" drugs, GMOs, vaccinations, etc that are pumped into us, nowadays.

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  17. eldercare
    Caregiver Space. The work we do at The Caregiver Space stems from our commitment to ensuring caregivers feel seen, heard and most of all supported.

    ReplyDelete

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