Thursday, October 18, 2012

Outrageous behavior

I can lose my temper sometimes. When I do, it can flip me from normal, even easy going, into someone possessed by a murderous rage. It's not hotheaded, it's coldhearted. It's also predictable, to an extent. Like everyone, it happens more when I am tired, frustrated, or distracted. Through the use of sleeping medications, I force myself to sleep more than my body naturally wants to, partly to keep a more level head when I am actually awake. I also try to avoid situations in which someone may unpredictably provoke me, typically strangers who don't know me or my triggers, and I am careful to schedule in a lot of downtime and alone time in which to decompress. I've gotten so good at this, it's been a while since my last rage attack. And all of the recent ones have been while I am traveling, when I am most likely to be forced to deal with strangers.

The most predictable aspect of these rages, though, is when someone "calls" me on something that I have done "wrong" when I feel like I have done nothing that would warrant their disapproval. I get angry at the flight attendant who tells me to turn off my electronic device, the metro worker who tells me to not use a particular set of stairs, etc. I know why, I feel like it is underhanded, that they are trying to force me to follow a particular set of rules that I think don't acknowledge, for whatever reason.

The particular set of rules, I realized, are called "social exchange rules." From a Wall Street Journal article about why folks throw temper tantrums when these rules are broken (try Googling the title "Big Explosions, Small Reasons" to get past the subscriber only):

Researchers at Duke University, in a yet-to-be-published study, looked for explanations of why people melt down over small things. Their findings suggest we are reacting to a perceived violation of an unwritten yet fundamental rule. It's the old, childhood wail: "It's not fair!"

Researchers call these unwritten laws of behavior "social exchange rules." We're not supposed to be rude or inconsiderate; we are supposed to be polite, fair, honest and caring. Don't cut in line. Drive safely. Clean up after yourself.

"We can't have successful interactions in relationships, mutually beneficial to both people involved, if one person violates these rules," says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke and lead author of the study. "And we can't have a beneficial society if we can't trust each other not to lie, not to be unethical, not to watch out for our general well-being."

What makes my losses of temper different, I wondered. Am I the same as these people? I behave civilized, even charmingly. I say please and thank you, wait my turn in line, etc., but largely because this is the best way to get what I want. These are some of the most obvious social rules, whether kept or broken, so I am sure to be seen as a rule follower particularly for these little niceties.

No, when I lose my temper, it's not because I feel like someone has not held up their end of a social bargain, it is because I have been reminded about how powerless I am. The flight attendant has power over me. I try to pretend that we are equals and I could ruin her if I wanted to, but ultimately she could get me kicked off a flight and I would have no recourse. The metro worker looked like God's mistake, but he also has a certain sort of power over me, power to tell me where I can walk and where I can't or else he'll call security. I hate feeling like someone has power over me, hate it so much that I will almost always try to flip the power dynamic in whatever way I can. And apparently get really angry about it when I'm reminded how many people have control over me in countless ways in my daily life. I don't know, it was interesting seeing how the reasons I lose my temper are both similar and different from the way that other people lose their temper. And now I know better how to provoke people (or not) when I choose.

138 comments:

  1. Hello beautiful people!!!

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  2. Excellent article, I really identify with this.
    I strive to be cordial and charming to everyone as well because then people tend to go the extra mile to do things for me.

    I get very mad over trivial things too and used to throw massive rages, but now I remind myself that it will only get me in trouble. So I concentrate hard on the smallest details of the person I'm mad at. Their accent, eyes, hand movement, pores of their skin, anything that calms me and helps me put the serene smile on my face and handle it. Works most of the time, but I still fly off the handle on a rare occasion. Then I start thinking if there is any way I can hurt them. Sometimes I even rile them up on purpose next time we meet just to make them mad.

    I can't handle surrendering power either. I crave it in practically every relationship. It might be juvenile, but I do almost anything to maintain it. Although I do enjoy a good power struggle with a worthy person. Have been called a short tempered control freak by every person I have gone out with. But they all loved me anyway.

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    1. Until I dumped them, Medusa. Years in a some cases. Even then most wanted to stay friends, but I was done with them. Only one ever dumped me, but I was only using them, so that one was not worth a single tear.

      If you want to know if I have ever loved back, yes I have. Am madly in love with one now in fact.

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    2. They must have all been mostly sad-sacks, eh?

      This one you're in love with now, what's s/he like?

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    3. You would be surprised, Medusa. I like strong, intelligent partners. One was an adult film producer. Now that one was tough and fun.

      The one I adore now is brilliant, gorgeous, charming and sweet.

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    4. Female adult film producer... lol, of course. 'Tough' and 'fun', haha.

      Do you understand why that makes me laugh?

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    5. Lol
      Firstly, it takes balls of steel for a woman to claw her way to becoming an adult film producer, not porn star as you probably envisioned.
      Secondly, I never said it was a female, now did I?

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    6. Your evasions really suck. Quit being such a coward.

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    7. You are easy to rile up, Medusa.
      What evasions? Were you expecting names and dates? Social Security numbers? Credit card details?

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    8. Does the thought of you not worth being riled up about give you the ragies?

      You are a coward because:

      1. You hide in plain obviousness.

      2. You didn't answer the question and instead defended yourself preemptively according to where you thought my question was leading.

      3. Not only that, but you did it in two different ways which contradict each other. Classic gaslighting, but you kind of suck at it.

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    9. No, no ragies. Got a laugh instead.
      I go by anonymous because I feel like it. If it is so obvious to you who I am, why do you not say so?

      Are you referring to the question as to why the idea a female adult film producer being "tough" and "fun" would make you laugh?
      I never said it was a female. For the record I like both men and women and this particular person was male. He was tough as nails and he was fun to be with. Never a dull moment.

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    10. And down the spiral you go...

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    11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    12. But first:

      I do enjoy a good power struggle with a worthy person. Have been called a short tempered control freak by every person I have gone out with.

      +

      No, no ragies. Got a laugh instead.
      I go by anonymous because I feel like it. If it is so obvious to you who I am, why do you not say so?


      =

      Well, you know. Hilarity, basically.

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    13. 1. You hide in plain obviousness.

      Why don't you say who it is for once instead of using the same coward tactics, mmm? Bro, you probably know who I am too, yeah? You need to stop this, it makes you look like an imbecile.

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  3. There's no such thing as 'coldhearted' rage.

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    1. ME is just trying to sound cool.

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    2. Read the extract Elicit had posted on the forum about pit bull vs cobra rage. I think ME is referring to what they called cobra rage.

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    3. Oh yes there is, Deuce... oh, yes there is.

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    4. No... there's not. By definition.

      Quit trying to sound cool.

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    5. Are you more of a pit bull or cobra, Virus?

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    6. Looks like people misread that cobra thing... it's about two styles of abuse, not two types of rage.

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    7. Deuce, define "coldharted" then "define "rage". The two can very much co exist. You stop trying to be cool, Gorgan.

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    8. Anon,

      Depends on the situation, but I would say normally more like the cobra.

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    9. The two can very much co exist.

      Not at the same time.

      Cold-hearted means you don't care. Rage means, obviously, that you do.

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    10. Coldhearted means a lack of sympathy... Rage is a intense flood of powerful and hostile emotions. I AM coldhearted and I can go into fits of RAGE.

      Medusa, have you been reduced to arguing symantics? Give us something better. Something More...

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    11. This is not about semantics, this is about narcissism. You seem really attached to the 'cold-hearted' adjective with regards to yourself.

      What I'm trying to say here, is that you can be cold-hearted, and you can have rage, both in the same person, but there's no such thing as cold-hearted rage.

      Rage is just... rage. Rage does not have it's own personality or moral judgement. It's just rage.

      Or maybe I should just go around telling people that my love is warm-hearted? Does not compute.

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    12. Well, you ARE arguing symantics. You are right. There is no such thing as a cold heart... outside of a corpses chest maybe, but. The term is derived of a person who just doesn't care, no sympathy, and yes I do fall into this. Rage doesn't mean you all of a sudden "care" or have sympathy for someone... you're just pissed off to the max X 10! You, Medusa, might go into rage and then say "Oh, gosh, I wish I hadn't acted like that." "Coldhearted" Rage doesn't give a fuck after the fact.

      How have you been by the way... I have missed your snakes.

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    13. "Coldhearted" Rage doesn't give a fuck after the fact.

      That's not cold-hearted 'rage'. That's just being cold-hearted.

      By 'caring' I'm not talking about empathy... I'm talking about caring about your loss of power and control.

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    14. "That's not cold-hearted 'rage'. That's just being cold-hearted."

      So saith the Gorgon. That is an opinion as valid as mine.

      You seem to be "writhing" in circles this morning. You doing alright?

      "By 'caring' I'm not talking about empathy... I'm talking about caring about your loss of power and control."

      Now, this I get... this is the stuff I like to hear from you. You are very right about that. I AM cold hearted. Normally I "care" about my control, then a trigger occurs and control goes out the window for a minute or two... or 5 or 10. I get that.

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    15. No, we just seem to be flying past each other here. After-the-rage is not rage. Do you understand this? The resulting remorse or lack thereof has nothing to do with it.

      And I don't mean you caring about controlling your rage, I'm talking about the rage itself being a result of you caring about losing control and power in a situation.

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    16. "I'm talking about the rage itself being a result of you caring about losing control and power in a situation."

      This I get too... and I can agree. I still say I cold-hearted rage is possible.

      "We will agree to disagree." -Ron Burgundy

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    17. there is rage and there is cold rage. no?

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    18. cold-hearted rage sits well in my right hemisphere.

      here is how is see it. cold-hearted means you don't care for the other, but you could still care very much for yourself.. enough to fly into a rage.

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    19. if you're cold hearted and never fly into a rage you're a human robot

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    20. so there is no coldhearted love? :(

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    21. how about a long moment?

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  4. There is this misconception that little things don't matter. Of course they do.

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    1. Said the actress to the bishop

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    2. Lol!
      My girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't matter in a relationship. I still wish she didn't have one.

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    3. well that made my moarning

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    4. Little things do matter. They fill the gaps and create interest. Regarding the penis reference above, lol I do like them not in the little things category, that said, that doesn't make a man a good liver or interesting ... For long. ;-)

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    5. A good man might not go down in history, but he will go down on you ;-)

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    6. that's no little thing :)

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    7. Since when was oral sex a big deal? What are you, catholic virgins or something?

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  5. Good Morning sociopathworld!!!!!! :)


    How are you all doing today?

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  6. PS- To "Monica" and "Virus" here is my response from yesterday so we can continue our conversation, tell me what you think about my "Fight or flight" response, this interests me.........

    :) Hey Monica good to see ya!!!! I think the feeling may actually be emptiness, I have run from or dulled down my emotions so much and for so long that I now feel empty inside....... It makes sense now that I think about it in that light...... I do feel pretty empty inside now that I think about it.......


    Virus- Sometimes I do think Iam a narcissist or a sociopath, but I dont usually feel bad about lying unless it is about something important to somebody I love, like my mother. But I have no problem lying guilt free to strangers or people to get my way, which I dont really do often just for the simple fact Iam never around people and I really dont have to lie anyway. That is why I stay truthful and save the lies for when they are REALLY needed :)

    Yes, they say addicts and sociopaths are almost the same in nature, and since Ive been an addict for so long maybe that is why I feel like a narcissist/sociopath sometimes but I never think to myself "Could it be because Iam an addict?" I usually think to myself "Am I a narcissist or sociopath who really has no idea that they actually are one?" But I also have very non sociopathic traits, like feeling guilt and remorse, sometimes I think iam one of those "Secondary Psychopaths" that Cleckley talks about that are stress reactive and still have the bodily sensations that a "Primary Psychopath" wouldnt have, like my "Fight or flight" response or when I feel fear, my heart starts beating very fast and my palms get very sweaty, I think in "Primary Psychopaths" that they dont actually feel the PHYSICAL manifestations of fear, which leads to them being fearless and reckless from not having an adequate "Fight or Flight" or fear response.

    But for me it is weird, I will give you an example..... One time I was at the bus stop and this guy left his stuff on the bus and got off, so naturally he was VERY pissed off and he came up to me (and he could have probably kicked my ass or it would have at least been a GOOD fight) and he asked me if the bus was just going up the street and turning around, and I was high, so I hesitated and thought for a second and said "No that bus goes for about another 30-45 mins before it turns around and comes back" and he SCREAMED AT ME "WELL WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY THAT THEN???" So I started laughing in his face and than I Mocked/Mimicked him and said right back to him "WHY DID YOU JUST SAY IT THEN?!?!?! What the fuck?" and he said "Iam not afraid to go back to jail, you wanna fight and put his fists up, and I started having my "fight or flight" and fear response kick in and I said to him "That is your choice" (I had a knife on me so I could have used that if things got too hairy, but I wouldnt just pull it out........

    But ANYWAY, the reason I brought that story up is because I can sometimes be sitting in my living room and my cell phone will go off SUPER LOUD and my body will get the SAME EXACT response as if Iam about to get into a fight with a random person on the street who could possibly kick my ass........ Which leads me to think to myself "How can a random person on the street who could probably beat you up elicit the SAME EXACT response physically as when my cell phone rings super loud and Iam alone in my living room?"

    To me that seems weird that I get the same reaction in both situations when one is possibly VERY dangerous and one is not dangerous whatsoever........

    Do you get what iam trying to say?

    Do you, as a sociopath, have a "Fight or Flight" or fear response? What about if you are about to get into a fight with somebody who could probably kick your ass? Do you get any physical response at all? Like a racing heart or sweaty palms?

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    1. Rich...

      "Do you, as a sociopath, have a "Fight or Flight" or fear response?"

      I have shown ASPD traits for just about as long as I can remember. The thing is I never knew what a "sociopath", "psychopath", or even ASPD was until a few months ago. I just thought everyone did what I did on some level or another... and they do to a degree I guess, but here's my point: I will not call myself a sociopath or a psychopath and I have never nor will I ever be diagnosed with anything... I will not go "seek help" so that can not happen. But, to answer your question and maybe help shine some light perhaps I can share this.

      I feel. I feel everything you feel. My feelings are fleeting at best. They run hot and strong but go away so freaking fast. I don't get startled... no. But I do get a little anxious before an encounter of unknown orgin. One of my patrols got hit with a very poorly planned ambush in Iraq. Once we had established fire superiority we began going house to house looking for the assholes who had just shot us up. When the ambush was initiated I felt nothing. As some of my Marines were running for cover I was shoting orders. But, when I went to kick the first door open I did have just a bit of butterflies... that maybe the flight/fight thing going or maybe I was just thrilled to go into an unexpected life or death situation. IDK.

      With you though... you have to come off the shit before you can answer your questions. I have seen high ass mother fuckers do some funny shit like laugh at a dude about to beat their ass before... that wasn't psychopathic to me, that was just a stupid junkie.

      I have to address this too:

      "What about if you are about to get into a fight with somebody who could probably kick your ass? Do you get any physical response at all? Like a racing heart or sweaty palms?"

      Rich... I fully believe, no... I know there is no one out there who can beat me. I can take punches all day long. I can take pain. I don't mind getting up looking like my ass has just been beat, because my oppenet will be dead or close to it on the ground next to me. So, nope... no sweaty palms.

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    2. Wow, great response. It's pretty interesting to me. Naturally, since you are a marine Iam sure many people cannot beat you because they dont have the training that you have, which is great. I thank you for your service to this country. I have infinate respect for anybody who could/would willingly put themselves into a situation like that....... I cannot even imagine it.

      It just seems weird to me that my "startle response" from hearing a cell phone go off too loud, is exactly the same as when Iam in a particularly dangerous situation. It seems like the dangerous situation should bring more out of me than my "startle response" when calmly and peacefully sitting in my living room watching tv.

      I understand you not wanting help or to be diagnosed, and I understand you not wanting to put a label on yourself, you are a human being, just like the rest of us, the labels really shouldnt matter unless you are in a medical/psychiatric setting, and even then most doctors differ on their diagnoses for the same things.......

      It makes me think I may be a "sociopath" since you feel all the same feelings that I do because mine go away pretty fast too...... But some things stick with me for awhile, like when I broke up with the first woman I ever loved, I was a wreck for like a year afterwards....... Even when I could get other women I would just be stuck thinking about her...... But I suppose that is because she was my VERY FIRST love and person I have ever told I love, besides family.

      To me, it seems as if we are not very much different, I just identify as an "empath" and I think I have more of an active "Fight or Flight" response, but besides that we seem very alike in our feelings, very similar. But, I also am sensitive to pain, it depends what kind of pain though, like taking a shot a the doctors office causes me no pain at all but frightens some people to DEATH! Maybe it is just a fear that they think it will be more painful than it actually is, like an irrational fear.

      I definatly do think you are right about having to come off the methadone and xanax before I can fully feel or get "in touch with" my emotions. Until then I will be numb to my emotions to a degree, I still have them, they just dont overwhelm me like they used to. Which is probably why I feel so comfortable on them.

      Thank you for your response/answers, it interests me to see how other people feel on the inside because even though I identify as an empath sometimes I just think Iam "projecting" my own emotions onto others and assuming that what I feel is what they feel, which is definatly not the case, at least most of the time. But other times I think the "projection" is what makes me so empathic and in tuned with other peoples emotions.

      I do sometimes think Iam a Narcissist/Sociopath/ASPD who just dosent know it, but I dont have many of the traits that are associated with "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", I have some ASPD traits, and not many "Psychopathic" traits, even though I would LOVE TO FEEL what it would feel like to be a "Primary psychopath" just for ONE DAY, just to see how different their inner experience is compared to mine.

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    3. I definatly do think you are right about having to come off the methadone and xanax before I can fully feel or get "in touch with" my emotions. Until then I will be numb to my emotions to a degree, I still have them, they just dont overwhelm me like they used to. Which is probably why I feel so comfortable on them.




      This is what I think, Rich. I was numb from trauma, but numb is numb. You cannot feel. Hence, you cannot figure things out in the RIGHT way imo.

      You can figure things out, but it will be in a screwed up way, in my experience.

      I figured things out, you could say, but it was with faulty reasoning and faulty conclusions. IOW, I was an emotional idiot.

      I have been on a 3 year program to get my feelings back and I can say I am. I am seeing the benefits, now, although I was going blindly, by faith, up until now.

      With respect to ME's article, I can relate a great deal, as the "new" person I am i.e the one with feelings.

      I think we, all, have the childish self who wants things to be fair. As we grow up, we learn tools to get along in society, but we are still that small child, with black and white thinking, in some deep part of ourselves.

      I think this is true for everyone, but some people are called upon to learn different lessons than others. This is due to the natural make up of that person and his/her upbringing.

      Some people may be called on to learn the lessons of power and how power works in society. Then, that person is called upon to teach others. It does not have to be in an "educational" setting. It can be right here.

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    4. Rich,

      Don't thank me for what I do or have done "for my country"... I did it all out of completly selfish reasons and not for the love of country. Those warriors out there who are scared to death but still go on are the ones you should give your appreciation to, I am but a "monster" in the guise of a "gentleman-knight".

      "To me, it seems as if we are not very much different"

      Oh, we are. You ARE narcissistic, Rich. Why do drugs? Becuase they are for YOU. Now, your addiction and the effects of the drugs and coming off the drugs may make you seem much more like someone with NPD/ASPD/BPD etc... but this is far different than just being a "narcissistic" about your drugs and addiction.

      You have to come clean, get of the shit for a good while, then see what your "true feelings" are. Right now you are the drugs and the drugs are you... do you want to be the drugs or do you want to be YOU? I think this is what Monica is saying only more in detail and much better (don't get too big a head Moo).

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    5. Monica- I understand exactly what you are saying and I have to agree...... It just scares me to get off the methadone not for the fact that I will have to feel emotions (although deeper down that may have more to do with it than Id like to think) but for fear of a LONG LONG withdrawal and PAWS (Post acute withdrawal syndrome, which basically just means feeling like shit for months or YEARS) I guess the way I look at it now is that I really have nothing to GAIN from coming off of methadone besides getting my emotions back (which I dont particularly want) and a LONG period of withdral and PAWS, last time I tried to get off of methadone was a MISERABLE, HORRIBLE time and a failure. I was dopesick for 6 and a half steaight weeks and had NO end in sight, I couldnt even sleep for more than 2 hours a day that entire time and I couldnt eat without throwing up my food (sorry, I know its disgusting) and after 6 and a half weeks I felt like SUCH A ZOMBIE from lack of sleep and withdrawals and I broke down and went back to my old pain clinic where my regimine of #240 Oxycodone 30mg pills, #90 2mg xanax pills, and #60 2mg Klonopin pills was instantly restored...... I will never forget it....... It was the longest time I had been "clean" with NO opiates and I couldnt sleep, but that night I took oxycodone a few hours before bed anfor the first time in 6 and a half weeks I slept an entire night, it was WONDERFUL, and I kept going on that way until I got BACK on methadone again because my doctors started getting their licenses taken or my clinics would shut down from DEA pressure.

      I dont know if I will ever be able to put my body through a withdrawal like that again....... Maybe if I could switch my methadone to Suboxone and SLOWLY come off of that maybe I would try, but suboxone is VERY expensive ($8 PER PILL/STRIP at a pharmacy and $100 per visit to get into the doctor).

      I do consider SW to be an "educational" place,at least on some subjects and things for me........ Not everything is educational of course but I learn alot from being here, that is why I enjoy SW.

      Iam glad you are doing well with your struggle to properly "feel" again....... It's a bitch no matter how you are doing it, sober or in withdrawals I would imagine it is still a very tough and painful "up and down" journey....... But maybe someday I will be up for it........

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    6. Virus- I think alot of people do their service for "selfish" reasons, but to me anybody who would do that is honorable and respectable, no matter why or what you are there for, even if it is just for the money...... I dont know you personally but you dont seem to be too bad of a person to me, you seem pretty nice and understanding deep down, and you feel the same things we all feel, it may be dulled down to a point, but I still think you are a better person than you give yourself credit for ;)

      Now that you say it like that, I AM very narcissistic in a "drug addicts" way...... Maybe not in any other way, but like you said, I do drugs because I feel they are right for ME, they make ME comfortable, they keep me feeling like ME, even if I dont really feel like my "true self". Wow, iam a selfish prick, LOL!

      The question of if I want to be drugs or let the drugs be me I really cannot answer...... To some level I must not want to feel like "my true self" because I stay on the shit........ But I would like to have my cake and eat it too, I would like to feel and still use, which is damn near impossible at least in my experience. But it is good to know that I at least HOPEFULLY can try to stop at some point and get my emotions back, no matter how long it takes, that is the struggle........ and to be honest Iam not currently up for it, I definatly need some more time......... I need to detox off of everything seperatly and not at once or else iam definatly going to get back on just like I did last time, I have 2 months to detox off xanax or my methadone dose will be CUT IN HALF, but I have never had a problem getting off xanax as long as I do it slowly so I dont have a seizure (which has happnened).

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    7. I know people are gonna laugh at this but if you did it with God, you could have a miracle, such that you would not go through the withdrawal symptoms. Now is not the time, but just put the thought in the back of your mind, for the future. xx

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    8. Monica- :) Awww in a perfect world I would like to think that would be possible...... But I think withdrawal symptoms just come with the territory of drug use..... Iam not saying a "miricle" cant happen and I cant have an easier withdrawal than I had before, but iam bound to have some withdrawal after messing with my brains natural balance of things for so long.......

      But like you said, now is not the time, maybe one day I will be ready and that would be great for me........ Thank you :)

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    9. Richie...

      Well of course I'm a nice guy... why wouldn't I be? Oh, yea... I'm a self endulged asshole. You see Rich I am a walking hypocrisy. Then again, one of the mantra'a picked up by the Corps over the last 10 years was no better friend - no worse enemy. I already knew that though. My grandfather tought me that at 11 years old. It's kind of a family moto, before the Corps ever adopted it. And when I say NO better freind... that's when you are getting me what I want. No worse enemy... you just took something I wanted. I might be a job, a parking space, or respect. Just depends,

      I wish I could say your head is in the right place but, you are so all over the place I am not sure. You want this but are not willing to do that to get this. But, you are questioning and that is a start.

      I would like to know your age if you don't mind? It might better help me put your story to some context.

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    10. Virus- It's a good motto to have, and can protect you alot through situations in life and put relationships into a better perspective.

      I do agree, I am all over the place because I just dont know what to do....... But questioning it IS a start, so that is a good thing to me......

      I dont mind sharing my age at all, Iam an open book :)

      Iam 24 years old, so I realize iam younger than alot of the members of SW (of course not younger than all but in my experience iam younger than most.......

      Let me know if that changes your opinion or helps put my story in a better context for you...... I'd love to hear it :)

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    11. Virus
      I am gonna tell you how I feel. It will be like the Bull Sessions I used to have with my friends when I was a teen. We just told people what we thought.

      Here goes:
      I think you are a sweetheart. I think you have a kind and warm heart. I think if someone is good to you, you will be a faithful and loyal friend, forever.

      I think you have shut down your tender feelings and have become a hard ass from your life( and your experiences)

      Monica Moo

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    12. Yes, it does help some. An addict in his early to mid 20s, you have a much better shot at beating this than say an addict in his 40s or 50s.

      But, Rich you have been high since you were 14... "friend" you haven't developed into a person yet. You shut down your personl growth on just about EVERY level and most def on the emotional one. Rich, you have NO IDEA who you really are... would you like to find out?

      Why did you start using at such an early age on a daily basis?

      Delete
    13. Monica,

      Thank you for the kind words. And I am a sweetheart. 98% of the people I meet love me on contact... it must be my warm smile and deep intersst in them.

      Delete
    14. I know. I am very intuitive~

      Delete
    15. Virus- Yes, I agree and feel that my emotional growth is very "arrested" in development.

      Well, I tried weed at 13 and LOVED it, so I started smoking alot, and by 14 I had tried coke, and by 15 I was on some occasions smoking crack (and weed) daily....... I just love/loved the drugs and how they made me feel, plus I have abnormal anxiety and used to have depression so I would take as many drugs as I could and drink as much as I could just because I never thought things would ever get better...... But they are alot better than they used to be when I was younger and right now the only 2 drugs I used daily are methadone and xanax, and I have to be detoxed off the xanax in 2 months.......

      I guess I dont know myself because I have been blocking out or numbing my emotions since the age of 13, but I wasnt a daily smoker until I was like 14-15........ I used to sell weed so I ALWAYS had plenty around and could smoke as much as I wanted to, and I used to mess around with other drugs which I dont do anymore (once in a while I will do coke if its around but I dont go out seeking it).

      You are right, I dont know myself, my true self at least, I know myself in a very drugged out way........

      I would like to find out who I am one day but I know what I have to do to "find myself" (and that is getting off of ALL drugs, even methadone) and that scares me to DEATH, iam not gonna sit here and lie........ It really does...... I think I can handle sobriety I just cant handle the LONG LONG period of withdrawal symptoms and PAWS (Post acute ithdrawal syndrome, which are small withdrawal ymptoms that last for months or years after you quit) my doctor told me that most people who have been on as long as I have and at the doses I take and have taken usually require 2 years of being FULLY CLEAN before they fully recover, and it can take LONGER (or it can be shorter, it really depends on the person and the dose they take and have taken in the past, if you take or have taken big doses than it takes longer, and I use to use more than any of my friends did because I had a prescription and could afford them cheaply........ Which has lead me to where I am now, unfortunatly.......

      Delete
    16. You will do it, in time.

      Delete
    17. When the pain of change becomes less than staying the same, only then will you change Rich.

      What was going on in your life that had you try drugs? That made it so EASY for you to do drugs on a daily basis? What was home like?


      Monica, How are you "feeling" today? I mean as far as life and its meaning tyoe thing... you know, your place in it, who you are and what that means?

      Delete
    18. I am feeling really good. I have come to some point where I can see my flaws and don't have to label myself "bad". I am human. We, all, are bad, if you want to say that.

      I feel like I crossed some really hard bridge, with the help of SW and ME's allowing us to just be and go through these crazy experiences we have on here.

      We go through real depth with each other. This is not really allowed in real life. I went through the depths of hell with Medusa( and Eden) These things brought me face to face with myself.

      Delete
    19. [slight giggle]

      Yea... this is the closest thing to therapy I think I will ever get.

      Delete
    20. Anonymous- Thank you, I can only hope that will happen some day.

      Virus- I honestly wanted to try weed because I was just curious on how it felt, than after I smoked it and liked it and realized nothing was wrong with it, I felt lied to by all the adults and teachers who lump marijuana in with coke and heroin......

      In my life, I wanted to experience EVERY DRUG at least once just to see how it feels...... It is just a curiousity thing for me....... But now that I have tried MOST of them I feel like I wasnt missing out on much, I just wanted the experience.

      Home life was fine, I guess....... My mother has always been extremely kind to me and my father and I havent spoken for 10 years....... What wasnt fine was my SCHOOL LIFE, that sucked, I ALWAYS had anxiety and panic disorder since I was young for seemingly no reason at all...... I was teased alot and outcasted by alot of people, but I still had my group of friends...... I just thought that school sucked (and it did) and I saw no end in sight, so I guess I started "self medicating" with the weed (I started with the weed) because I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and it helped me with my depression and anxiety. It helped me cope,it helped me not care, it gave me something to look forward to when I got out of that hell hole they called "school".

      Those are the real reasons I tried drugs, curiousity at first, than I wound up loving weed and just stuck with it over the years....... Self medicating because I felt like I was in a hopeless situation with school and all. That is basically what it breaks down to........

      Delete
  7. Well I can stand people having small power over me because I think I have power over their life. (my hands are only so far from there throat anyway) But the thing that reallys gets me is when people act like they have power when their really just a weak as the next person

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have power over... dick.

      Delete
    2. I especially hate/resent this when it comes to dealing with dickhead management in the company I'm employed. Many have no idea what it really takes to create and run a successful territory.

      The whole sauntering into meetings attempting to appear powerful and knowledgeable when in fact they haven't a clue. Nada. Position via inheritance and 'knowing someone' isn't authorization for trying to direct and control natural street knowledge.

      Delete
  8. Hello people, do we have any computer experts here? My pc crashed. When I try to turn it on, the text like this appears: we apologise for the inconvienience. But Windows did not start successfuly, a recent software or hardware change might have caused this. And so on. And I'm able to choose if I want to start my pc normally, safe mode, safe mode with network or last known good configuration settings that worked. I tried all options, all bring me back to the start :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have u changed any parts recently? If not, could be a faulty stick of RAM. More likely malware though :(

      Delete
    2. I don't think I did, it might be virus, so what can I do? :(

      Delete
    3. Anon 4:48 - Are you lost? This likely where you should be asking those computer related questions: Tech Support Forum

      Delete
    4. Get on another pc, download the avira rescue disc and burn it to a cd. Boot the broken one from that cd and let it do its thing. Then boot the computer into safe mode with networking and install then run ComboFix :)

      Delete
    5. Thanks, you have been very helpful! :)

      Delete
    6. No prob. Now do i get your number? :b

      Delete
  9. SociopathWorld Forum Digested ReadsOctober 18, 2012 at 6:41 AM

    Life Beyond Earth. Great Gazzo! No, we’re not talking about the pompous, preposterous, craniosynostosis little green alien that crash-landed into Bedrock much to Fred Flintstone’s consternation. However, for all that it’s worth – we may as well be. ‘Gay’,’Zeta Rectum’ & ‘Dweeb’ alien reptoids are dissected. But not in a Roswell alien autopsy sense. Ancient civilization pseudo-science, Hubris-telescope, Nazca-dad lines, Lunatic fossils and even ChemLoo-trails are all set-up like a carnival duck shooting gallery only to be shellacked out of existence by our regular sceptical SociopathWorld heavy-artillery brains-trust. Recommended. BYO 3D glasses and tin-foil helmets.

    spatial Mind LOVES COCKS ADMIT IT!!!! – And who is responsible for this seemingly never-ending stream of diarrhetic non-consciousness? None other than SociopathWorld’s very own parthenogenetic bastard love child of ‘Unabomber’ Ted Kaczynski and shape-shifting lizard overlord horse-shit huckster extraordinaire David Icke – Spatial Mind. Or as we prefer to call him here at Forum Digest – The Unawanker. Witness the unequivocal destruction of his special brand of amorphous opinion and idiot conspiracy mentality. And then rejoice at the subsequent ego-death of this pernicious peddler of unsubstantiated, unverifiable, unintelligible, unmitigated horse-shit. Ding-dong the dickhead is dead. Oh, and apparently he loves cocks.

    AM I OR NOT ITS DRIVING ME NUTS? – Nuts, yes. Sociopath, no.

    Looking to hear from a sociopath. Am I one? – Like a blind lesbian on a fishing trawler – it seems like there is a lot of cunt about. However, on this particular thread the consensus seems to suggest that there is indeed only one. SociopathWorld’s newest addition to the ‘am I or aren’t I (a sociopath) brigade’ – Sarah. After careful examination and scrutiny including SociopathWorld’s beloved knee-capper TNP’s patented ‘Psychopathic Trait Tendency Assessment (PTTA)’ test results, index finger comparisons, and even voluntary photographic evaluation - was Sarah a sociopath? The photo evidence was inconclusive, though she did have the face of a Chihuahua chewing a wasp. However, diagnostic results confirmed the initial assessment. She’s just a cunt. Man of few yet extremely menacing words Loki had Sarah in his cross-hairs, “Haha, that's the easiest it's ever been.” However, not to be entirely unsympathetic to Sarah, or even for that matter SociopathWorld’s pre-eminent whipping boy - Spatial Mind – we’ll leave the last words of this Forum Digest to The Unawanker himself who had these parting words to say to Sarah, “...Don't worry about Loki...That's actually him being friendly.”

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is this genius writing Mindless Pleasures? Inquiring Minds want to know.

      Delete
    2. There are a lot of talented people at SW.

      Delete
    3. Unawanker, ROFL

      Never gonna let him live that down.

      Delete
  10. After a concert last night I had wandered into the nearby 7/11 for bottled water. Such an interesting collection of late-nighters downtown. I witnessed a particularly hilarious exchange between the poor guy working the register and a very drunken angry customer.

    Customer had been in apparently frequently that night buying those giant beers. He came in for another (my guess he panhandled enough to score a giant beer, drank that and then did the process again) and the clerk said, like the Nazi Soup Kitchen Guy "no more beer for you!" only delivered with an Asian inflection.

    Well Drunken Hobo Guy shouted, "I'm calling the police!" 7/11 Clerk Guy said "good! But No more beer for you!". The crowd broke out into applause, interestingly, as the Drunken Hobo Guy flung the giant beer into a display that caused it to pop it's top and explode.

    It was very amusing. Tantrums like that following an amazingly loud concert with mosh pits and crowd surfing seem like the Cherry on Top.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! I can picture the whole exchange in ym head in the "Soup Nazi" context " NO BEER FOR YOU!!!!" Hey if I was an alcoholic hobo with nothing to live for but my next drink i'd be pissed off too! The guy must have looked pretty intoxicated or else they are not supposed to deny you of you beer purchase........

      The guy probably just went to the next store and got one, thats what I woulda done ;)

      Delete
    2. Hello Rich,
      *smiles*
      I'm sure that's what he did - Drunken Hobo Guy and much of the crowd in that store seemed to know one another. It was the Late Night Hang for the Drinking and Drugging Gang.

      Delete
  11. i always feel better if i let out my rage
    specialy if i shock
    or make other ppl fear me
    i rememer doing something wrong at work and i had to do it again
    ppl were holding there breath waithing for me to flip my lit
    i noticed that and started laughing (damn i'm good)
    FEED MY EGO SHEEP

    ReplyDelete
  12. 812 has my vote for Socio of the Mid-morning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. when i cross the street
      i always look the drivers strqit in the eyes
      so i can enjoy the fear
      right b4 they turn me into spaghetti sauce

      Delete
  13. Gaslighting

    How to Deal with it.

    Gaslighting is when someone tries to distort your reality for his/her own purposes. Usually, he wants to jerk you around to build up his ego.

    He, often,does it when his true face is "revealed", as that is like a cross to a vampire. He does not want anyone to see his true face.

    Gaslighting makes other people crazy, particularly if one is the child( or close relative or friend) and has continued contact with the person. However, even casual contact is enough to make someone crazy~

    One needs to have a Gaslighting First Aid Kit. It consists of being very connected to your own feelings and responses.
    The Gaslighter wants to make you doubt yourself and accept his reality, over your own.

    That way, he is affirmed and you are thrown in the trash.

    Hang onto your reality and push back with the force of a fighter. The Gaslighter should know there are consequences from messing with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. so why is gaslighting called gaslighting? does anyone know?

      Delete
    2. The Movie with the name. The man tried to convince the wife she was crazy so he could inherit her money( after he put her in a mental institution)

      Delete
    3. oh hey thanks. good movie?

      Delete
    4. Zoe the bitch

      Delete
    5. Zoe the prostitute

      Delete
    6. Zoe cock up her ass

      Delete
    7. Zoe cuts herself

      Delete
    8. Zoe has depression

      Delete
    9. Zoe looks like a horse

      Delete
    10. Zoe is a fatty

      Delete
    11. Zoe is useless

      Delete
    12. Zoe needs to die

      Delete
    13. And I thought I was childish. Geez.

      Delete
    14. childish is fun, kids are the most happy creatures to walk on earth

      Delete
    15. Yea... Mary Bell and Andrew Golden were just a hoot! Fun happy little kids.

      Delete
    16. And for the record, I am the happiest creature to walk the earth... then again I'm told I will never grow up. Hmm...

      Delete
    17. you're so fucking useless virus

      Delete
    18. And you are just WAY TOO cool ;-]

      Delete
    19. agreed

      your humor wouldn't make anyone laugh even if they were paid for it

      Delete
    20. i loves seeing my name all lined up like that :)

      zoe da bitch

      Delete
    21. The Trolls come out at night...
      The Trolls come out at niiigghht.


      Delete
    22. Zoe the mental case

      Delete
    23. Virus, I dont think ill ever grow up either!

      Zoe- Please dont listen to that miserable loser who writes those mean things to you, they are miserable and want to drag you into their own misery. Fuck them......

      Delete
    24. thank you Rich. i'm good...splish splashing in their puddle of misery

      Delete
  14. Don't listen, Zoe. I know who it is. Just ignore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no stress. i earned it ha.

      didn't have to work too hard for it tho :P

      Delete
  15. This post has been the most insightful one so far; we all hate being powerless, and we all want more power. Perhaps some people would be content once they achieve a certain level of power (i.e the white picket fence type). But for others, there is no limit to the amount of power that will finally satisfy us, save having power over absolutely everything.

    ReplyDelete

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