Monday, October 22, 2012

Raw

Someone once remarked that I rarely discuss any negative emotions I experience -- joy, elation, success, but rarely sadness. Maybe it's because I frequently forget my negative emotions soon after I've experienced them. Because apart from feelings of disappointment, most of my negative feelings seem to be without context or meaning. If anything, the dominant sensation of them is a sense of meaningless, typically brought on by a lack of sleep or mental exhaustion. I call it feeling "raw." It is a feeling of introspection but without any real thing to introspect upon. The result is a loop of thinking about nothing, which gives me a sensation of nothingness.

Today I feel raw. I knew I would. I have had a murderous travel schedule recently. I've moved and am alone in a new city. Instead of going outside, I spent most of the day watching trite television dramas. I like to watch bad television with unrealistic interpersonal situations in which it feels like the writers are forcing the characters to endure awkward and unnecessary drama as if the writer were an ancient god playing humans like puppets. (For this reason, I have also become a surprising fan of fanfiction.) It reminds me of my own desire to play god and to pit people against each other just to see what sort of effect I might have upon the unsuspecting. This was fine, but one of the main characters died. I had just had a conversation with one of my friends about a mutual friend dying. The death was expected but came unexpectedly soon. We had both planned to visit her before she died, but she slipped away without saying goodbye to anyone, like she did in "real life" at parties, I had joked with my friend. I like to do that at parties too, I thought privately to myself. Maybe I wouldn't mind doing that in "real life" as well. I kept watching the television drama, to see how and why the story arc needed this particular character death, and apparently it was just to throw all of the other characters completely off-kilter and into a spiral of self-destructive depression.

I got up and walked to the (dog) park in my new neighborhood. I have been there often enough to know the perfect place to escape the encroaching shadows of the trees as the seasons change in the northern hemisphere. I listened to music until I just listened to one piece over and over again, from one of my favorite works to play. A small dog came and snuggled up next to me for several minutes. I didn't shoo him away. I took a photo of a crescent moon in blue sky surrounded by streaks of clouds and made it the "wallpaper" for my phone. Maybe seeing it tomorrow (this time) I will remember how it feels to be sad.

70 comments:

  1. Good Morning SociopathWorld. Have a great week : )

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  2. Me got his dates all fucked up

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  3. Not the best post I have ever read here. I can relate to this though:

    "but she slipped away without saying goodbye to anyone, like she did in "real life" at parties, I had joked with my friend. I like to do that at parties too, I thought privately to myself. Maybe I wouldn't mind doing that in "real life" as well"

    Ever since I was maybe 20 I have told the few people close to me should they walk in and find me dead, take me out back and bury me in an unmarked grave. Then never speak a word to anyone that I was gone... keep the world guessing.

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    1. I think that's a fascinating concept. I like to do the same at parties, social gatherings, and I've done this in a few relationships... slip out the back, Jack. Death, that's the final exit.

      Good Monday to you Virus.

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    2. And to you too Lunar. I tend to arrive at gatherings early and greet most everyone as they come, then I do the same thing and "slip out the back Jack"... no good byes.

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  4. :) Good Morning sociopath world!!!!! Good Morning MP and Virus!!!!

    Whats up?

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    1. "Good" Morning to you, Richie...

      I'm am going through a seperation with my wife right now Rich. She's an alcoholic. I'm a narcissistic asshole. We are trying like hell to maintain a friendship through all of this as we are tied for life by the kids. I spoke to her about an episode she had this weekend our oldest son informed me about. She has a therapy session today and I wanted her in the right frame of mind before going. I asked her something I asked you the other day: does she want to be HER or the SAUCE? I told her a weak woman will never have me again, for NO reason. I gave her a little bit of your story... she just sent me a picture of her pouring out the rest of a bottle of wine down the kitchen sink.

      You are a motivator today Rich... smile :o)

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    2. so she loves the bottle more
      thna your ego
      that must hurt

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    3. Hi Tom, so you two are still together or what? I remember you were so sure about dumping her :/
      Or this process simply takes time?

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    4. Anon 10:04

      Nope, I don't care which she chooses but she doesn't get both anymore.


      Mee,

      I told her she needs to perfect herself. There is a VERY strong woman buried deep down in there and that woman needs to come out. She's dropped 20+ pounds and looks the best she has since she was 20/21... this has given her alot of confidence. She is going to therapy and is working through some deep rooted shit right now. Anxiety has eaten her these past many many years.

      My final say was should she become a better HER, actually find out who she is and shit, then we would talk about getting back together and making a go of this for the long haul. If she continues down the road of self destruction we will be divorced in a year... we have to wait a year anyways. So, yea... it takes time.

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    5. I have to say that I started to perceive you differently than before, Tom.

      When my parents were going through divorce my father declared that he won't do anything about it, if my mother wants to do it she has to do it herself while my mother needed some support and basicly I become the voice that matters. Well I didn't wanted to live with any of them separately so I took a position in which I was against it mainly because I knew that I needed the push from my mother to be a good student. Living with father without boundries would have been lovely, but I'd probably be in jail by now...

      So it is nice to see you taking action. Well, to conclude, my grandfather made a huge influence on my fathers choice of act, so I can only wonder how the situation might have been. On a different topic, I should also mention that my mother keeps demonising my grandfather, claims that it took twenty years to figure him out and accuses him with many psychopathic traits, nice family, lol

      I think that you shouldn't forget your kids, unlike we, they might be having a hard time. The fact that they informed you about their mothers condition indicates that they are on your side, imo. Speaking of kids, do you see traits of sociopathy in them?

      Since my grandfather was a soldier I can understand some things about you too, actually.

      Well I shared a bit, maybe you'll find something useful, if not, well I really don't care. But I do want to mention that I kind of understand your pov "everyone is different"

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    6. "Speaking of kids, do you see traits of sociopathy in them"

      Well, they are kids so... they're kids. What 6 year old isn't a psycho. LOL! Seriously though, my oldest (soon 19) shares MANY of the same traits as me. We talk a lot these days. Our relationship was ruff for awhile, but he gets it I think.

      Thanks for sharing... I have a feeling when Mrs. T gets her shit straight she will push me to the curb, but that's a chance I am willing to take. I see it as a win-win. She knows who I am now (90% anyway), I hid a lot for years. Now it's her choice whether she wants this or not. She says I am one fucked up individual, but it is never a dull moment and she loves the way I work in the boudoir.


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    7. Wow Virus!!!!! That was touching and made me smile!!!! What a nice thing of you to say!!!!

      Hopefully the therapy can help, it does wonders for some people. I can attest that Anxiety issues make it VERY EASY to want to medicate your way away from them, using whatever works, some people use alcohol, some use Benzodiazepines like Xanax, Valium, Or Klonopin, Some people use opiates, and the smarter people of the bunch use marijuana..... Any of them can become a vice and harmful if overused, but in my experience at least, marijuana causes the least physical damage with the most physical and mental benefit of "Stress/Anxiety Relief".

      Since you told her "A weak woman will never have me again, for no reason" are you considering getting back together with her if she sticks to therapy and kicks her alcoholism? People can be and usually are way different when they arent using or on their "drug of choice", so it could work out great for the both of you, if she does get clean and sober.

      Also, if she already isint taking them or on them, MAKE SURE SHE STAYS AWAY FROM THE Benzodiazpine pills like Xanax, Valium, Ativan, Klonopin, ETC. Their effect is nearly the same as alcohol and the addiction to them is just as debilitating if not more debilitating..... It's okay to have a few on hand for "bad days" but when you take them daily you are getting into dangerous territory. Doctors these days hear the word "anxiety" and some of them pass benzos out like candy, and people think they are safe, and they are safe, until you take them daily or every other day, they are only ideal (in my opinion) for once in a while use or your "bad days".......

      I wish you and your wife the best Virus, keep me updated, iam interested in this now! We can help each other!

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    8. Also, Virus, it is interesting that you say you and your son share many of the same traits. As much as I would like NOT to admit it, my father and I share many of the same traits as well, Iam just definatly not as "malignant" as he is, I dont yell or scream at people for no reason or not doing ewhat I say, as he does..... But we have many of the same traits like Alcoholism/ Substance abuse issues, EXTREME stubbornness and hardheadedness, fearless/reckless in the face of law enforcement (or in his case, but not mine fearless and reckless in the face of ANYBODY at all), little self control, and in his case but not mine not caring what anybody around you thinks or feels, I think that is our core difference, I care about what others think and feel, I feel bad if I make somebody feel bad or sad, he simply dosent have that.......

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    9. If it is in the blood it has to come out, Rich... my great grand father was said to be a bonifide nut-job. He shot people for making duck noises at his wife. They made the duck noises because he shot people for hunting on his property without permission... they were "friends" of his so I am told. Yeppers, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

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    10. Virus
      I think you are gonna get back with your wife.

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    11. Perhaps... it is a win-win for me, Monica Moo. She either finds herself which she lost so long ago to alcohol and becomes the strong woman she needs to be; then accepts me for the free "animal" I am and never tries to cage me again or she lets this free "thing" go. She professes her love to me daily and says she can do this. Either way , I get the freedom I want. Isn't that what I have said I wanted all along, free to be me?

      How are you doing here of late dear? This puzzeled me a little from the woman of faith:

      "I keep thinking about death. I keep thinking of all my striving coming to BS"

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    12. Virus- Very true, I have never met either of my great grandfathers and never heard much about them, but my grandfather on my mothers side was an alcoholic, and the grandfather on my fathers side was said to be an "Alcoholic womanizer" from my "grandmother" on my fathers side...... It isint set in stone but there is defianatly SOMETHING genetic going on with it, everybody in my family drinks, some are just moderate drinkers like my mother, but the addiction seems to run through every generation....... In some way or another.

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    13. PS- Iam SURE there must have been some nuts in my family tree too, maybe that is why I havent heard much about either of my great grandfathers or any other generation before them, maybe they are trying to hide something, or maybe they just dont know themselves?

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    14. How are you doing here of late dear? This puzzeled me a little from the woman of faith:

      "I keep thinking about death. I keep thinking of all my striving coming to BS"


      I will never lie about who I am. I will never be shallow about my struggles. I found Jesus because I lost all my hopes and dreams.

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    15. And I believe you Monica... you are you for sure (well, until you post as someone else~ LOL) but what is this about your striving being for BS? This sounds close to a loss of faith. It sounds more like something I might post. You mentioned coming to terms with a fresh look on reality... your reality, and it causing you some inner turmoil. How's all this going is what I mean to ask?

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    16. I have been thinking about this for awhile.

      To find Jesus is to realize that your life didn't work.

      Mine exploded. It started with my childhood and continued on.

      But when you get down so low that life offers you no rope to which you can pull yourself up, you call on the invisible God and hope, with all that is within you, that He is there.

      I have been thinking that that level of surrender is a good thing, not a bad thing, as it forces you to transcend this world, as this world has failed you and there is no turning back, as that failure is so complete.


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  5. I have not moved but my house is getting remodeled. My house looks like a hurricane hit it. I have not had a kitchen for 2 weeks and have people here, all day.

    I am going through a similar( but nearly as bad) thing.

    Moving is one of the worse shake-ups. I am not moving, but the disorder of my house and the movement of it's familiar things has me thinking about the meaning of life.

    I keep thinking about death. I keep thinking of all my striving coming to BS.

    The hardest part for me is seeing what sociopaths can see, more clearly: the ugliness of human nature, mine and everyone else.

    I seem to have come face to face with it during this time. I see my level of pure selfishness. I see the dominance of my ego and what I do to feed it.

    These words are trite, ME, but once you get your familiar routine down, this level of angst will fade back to a background noise until something shakes you up, again.




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    1. ^ please, ignore.

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    2. Anon- Dont be mean to Monica, she is at a point in her life where she is finding out alot about herself and growing from it..... There is no reason to treat her that way, she is a nice, caring, good person!

      PS- Hey MONICA!!!!!

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    3. You do know that anons abusing people are monica, right?

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    4. OOPS I meant to post this here......

      I dont think so...... Why would Monica write that post and than post under anon and say " please, ignore"? For attention?

      I doubt it......

      What is your say on this Monica?

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    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    6. Did you really just say "made love"

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    7. That's weird. I'm not sure why this comment ended up here, and not at the next one below. Deleting + reposting.

      And yes, I did, as following the jargon from Anonymous at 7:32.

      Would you prefer I said fucked, banged, sexed up, screwed, had sex, laid, boned, or some other phrase?

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    8. How about, 'whoopie'? That should be sufficiently anachronistic.

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    9. You're a 70 year old man, aren't you. Anachronistic my ass.

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    10. I can be whoever I want to be, from whenever, and wherever.

      *lowers the Creep dial down from 11*

      An anachronistic ass. I guess that could be considered both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on who you ask.

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  6. Replies
    1. LMAO - Themes has a crush on CEO.

      Ravel's 'Bolero' is the song that has been universally voted on as the most popular song couples listen to whilst they're making love.

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    2. Fuck I love Bolero.

      No pun intended.

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    3. I am more partial to Tool's Forty-Six and Two... to each his own.

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    4. I once made love to someone who was playing terrible Nerdcore music in the background. Not my proudest moment, and unfortunately, a bit distracting.

      Don't date overtly nerdy women, no matter how hot or enticing. Just some life advice...

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  7. I dont think so...... Why would Monica write that post and than post under anon and say " please, ignore"? For attention?

    I doubt it......

    What is your say on this Monica?

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    1. Maybe you should read the old posts where she wrote under multiple different names, or anons abusing people. If you see her as a good, and caring person then you are beyond mark.

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    2. Rich
      You can contact me on FB or e mail to get any of your questions answered.
      There is one caveat for navigating SW, imho. Use your gut.Trust your gut. Try to know what YOU know because people will twist you around like crazy, on here.
      In the process, you will hone trust in yourself, which is one of our biggest lacks when we have had severe abuse.

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    3. :) Well if I were to trust myself I would believe that is isint/wasent you!!!!

      Anon- She has always been a good, nice and caring person to me.... But I have always treated her with respect and never tried to make her mad or say mean things to her like alot of people do on SW.

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    4. That's a reciprocating cyclic symbiotic relationship of convenience.

      That's a fancy way of saying circle-jerk, by the way.

      Maybe you should grow up and stop categorizing people as good or bad, as a child would. That's addressed to the three of you, FYI.

      I've found that asking 'why' when it comes to the actions of someone insane is often futile through speculation alone. A better question is, 'why then'.

      A little context a day keeps the bullshit away.

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    5. Monica will turn abusive on you for no reason soon enough, Rich. Then you'll understand and know what everyone else who's been around for more than a year does. She's Themes, The Fomentiles, CEO, and a host of others too.

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    6. Anon- Well, I guess I will have to see that for myself. I thank you for trying to help me and inform me though.

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    7. We be many.

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  8. "I think some sociopaths secretly do want to "meet their match" and get beaten too"

    Oh, ho, ho... I like this one;-]

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    1. Not sure about beaten, but teased definitely.

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    2. Maybe in fantasy, but probably not in practice.

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    3. Always looking to get beat... just so I can learn, come back, and destroy. Muwahahahahah.

      But, then did you really get beat if you come back? Hmm...

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    4. Defeat with mind games is usually a matter of how someone was actually impacted, and if one yearns to be bested, is that not itself victory when it does finally happen?

      I stress mind games as opposed to, well, physical violence. Never been a fan of getting literally beaten, but I've never been a masochist.

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  9. It looks like the comment section turned into some kind of close therapy circle, same few people appear here each day. What a turnout... Well anyway, forum blows on my phone, so I'll be chilling with you guys for a while :-}

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    1. Lol, why thank you themes you brought a smile to my face! But you really remind me good old Monica now :)

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    2. Damn, I had already forgotten the puppy thing... a lot of shite happened since then.

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  11. Replies
    1. I forgot how bad the voiceover was in that flick.

      I can't wait for the new Les Misérables.

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  12. Replies
    1. Thank you, Themes, - I think, or was it your intention to knife me with it? - very accurate.

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    2. Themes for SW RegularsOctober 23, 2012 at 5:39 AM

      No knifing. Humor has it's truth( and accompanying barbs) or it would not be funny.

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  13. Hope u feel better tomorrow me. I think I can empathize with u. "not really but I know what u mean" even superman needed his fortress of solitude. But hopefully with some sleep you'll be back.

    Hello mr rich I know I've never talked to u but herro

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    1. Hey Blades! Whats up?

      I just woke up from a 3 hour nap cause I have been sleeping like CRAP these last few days....... I had to go through alcohol withdrawal so I added an extra 2mg xanax to my meds at night to help me sleep and now I cant sleep well without it, but Ive cut down to taking a quarter of a pill at night instead of a full pill. iam just hoping I can get my night sleep back, its weird cause during the day I sleep so well, I guess cause the methadone from the clinic makes me sleep nicely.

      But how are you Blades?

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  14. Hope you have a better day tomorrow ME. Even superman needed his fortress of solitude. Hopefully after a good nights rest you'll be back.

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