Thursday, April 12, 2012

About me? (part 2)


I responded:

This is very interesting.  I also never fill these sections out (or the offline equivalent) if I can help it.  Sometimes I'll put one or two things there, just to not seem like a total creeper.  I try to avoid any personal information.  Part of it is intentional -- less is more when the purpose of those types of sites is for people interested in you to stalk you, when really I want them to have to go to the source to get what they're really looking for.

I'm actually going through a period of particular ambiguity in my personality.  When I'm actively engaged in something, it's easy to sort of define myself with whatever I'm doing (like defining myself as a diver).  It helps me to function to be able to think of myself in a particular role -- I'm so-and-so's plus-one, I'm in charge of this Acme project, I'm X's mentor, or whatever.  Thinking that way helps me to focus on the performance.  Have you ever seen a television show in which one of the actors seems to have forgotten he's on screen?  And drops character?  I've been caught doing that a few times.

Even when people are naturally attracted to "me," i.e. I have not intentionally targeted with a version of me tailor made to them, it's hard to know what exactly that means.  Is it my strength?  My humor?  My solicitousness?  Unflagging support?  If I don't know what it is they like about me, I don't know what to keep doing.  It can be very disconcerting.  I feel like I'm being interviewed for a job and I'm not really sure what all the job entails.

At times like these I feel like an engine with the clutch disengaged.  I am nothing, but potentially anything.  Like a discus, I could be sent me off in any direction, but ultimately it doesn't feel like it matters where I go or where I came from.  I guess this is freedom.  It also makes me a total anti-consumer.  I don't feel at all defined by my belongings or my socio economic status.  It's nice to run in the rat race only whenever I feel like it, not because my successes/money define me.  But I also can't really force myself to do things I don't want to do.

Here's a BPD blogger (and SW reader) describing a similar thing for borderline personality disorder.

57 comments:

  1. 1st. The adaptive trait Socio.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm a socio, and I don't give flying fuck

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like havens blog, she's a little QT

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it is about individuation ME. For myself, I want to radically be myself. think that would be as exciting as free falling. However, I live within the confines of a society and others. HOW do I manage the two? Is this process radically different for you as a sociopath or is it the quest of us all?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. monica, i think it's about awareness. awareness first, then the self. or rather once you're aware the self becomes a non-issue, just a vehicle.

      Delete
    2. i mean there really is no absolute self. we create it.

      so who does the creating?

      Delete
  5. Thanks for the shout out M.E. =)

    I have a love/hate relationship with "About Me's". I never know what to write, and I have so many complex and varying interests I just start listing things. Often the things have no relation to one another but because {I like to believe} I'm a decent writer I make this come across as being "diverse". There's something for everyone in me, in my 'personality'.

    I'm never really sure why people are attracted to me. My disconnect is so normal for me that I simply don't see what other people see. And I don't understand why people are attracted to the things that they are.

    I also have sort of a paradoxical complex concerning the fact that I tend to mirror and project what people want; even if it's not something I would normally want doesn't that still make me the kind of person that likes to be something that other people want? So do I like the things I don't really like after all? On some meta level I think the answer is yes. But even then the ultimate issue comes back to wanting something for myself. The only reason I reflect what others want to see, is that so people will stay with me and I gain their company, their affection, and their love in the process.

    Complex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. " I tend to mirror and project what people want; even if it's not something I would normally want "
      That's why people like you, because you are the biggest brown-noser we have here. You suck up to all types, then go cut yourself and suck your blood, too.

      Delete
    2. Not a brown noser. This doesn't apply to absolutely everything that someone likes. My entire personality doesn't mold to anothers. I retain the core while the things that change are subtle. It's a tailoring of identity depending on the situation not a new human suit with nothing of the old exposed.

      This only applies to people that I care about. If you're not intimately involved with me your opinion and your needs have nothing to do with me. You see who I want to be because it's who I am in the moment.


      Also, I'm almost 17 months SI free. Thanks for asking.

      Delete
    3. I don't think its like brown nosing at all. Kissing ass requires a fair amount of flattery and praise. It would be disturbing to receive praise from someone with a vague identity. Wouldn't it? For me, its like getting in their heads, and manifesting their dreams. There is no need for praise if you do it well.

      Delete
    4. Great to hear that you are SI free. Not sure what that means, but deduce that you have not been cutting.

      Your response has that 'attacker, I'll use your attack to gain majority's sympathy' touch that you indeed do so well.

      Impressive at some level, but not a true expression of what you felt to the outside world, hence bottled up. Far too passive and defensive for the level of offense.

      Delete
    5. Perhaps you're over-rating your effect, Harsh Truth. I think 'your opinions and needs have nothing to do with me' is fairly clear.

      Delete
    6. Harsh truth yet gentleApril 12, 2012 at 8:16 AM

      You may want to think about this at a deeper level. It may be the solution to all your problems.

      Lack of 'appropriate self expression' is definitely clear about anyone who ever cut themselves. You have improved, wonderful, but also let go fear of appearing 'less' than who you should appear to be to the outside world.

      This isn't about me, it's about you.

      Delete
    7. Grey
      Are you saying you can mold to anyone?

      Delete
    8. ::smiles:: Yes SI = Self-Injury. None of that for me for quite some time.

      I enjoy voicing out here. I don't really take offense to much that's said here at SW but I enjoy that this is a forum where I don't have to hold back and maintain some facade like I do in RL.

      I agree with Grey in that it's not an overt statement of sucking up.

      I'm quite sure that I have in the past, and to an extent now, still have inappropriate forms of self expression. Part of why I blog (and continue therapy) is to identify those things that are inappropriate and work against me, so I can change those and live a healthier life.

      I enjoy hearing different opinions and perspectives on how people perceive these kind of issues.

      Delete
    9. Having a flexible identity does not mean you can be everything. I could try and mold to everyone, and fail miserably. People cannot be underestimated like that. You have to know when you are effective.

      Delete
    10. I don't do it consciously half the time. Experimenting and failing can be awkward. "I didn't mean to do it. It's not really me! I promise! Come back! Where did you go? lol

      Delete
  6. I also find it easier to "be myself" when I have a role I know I'm supposed to play. At work I'm "an engineer". I know how I'm supposed to behave, I know how I'm supposed to act, I know what I don't want to project and bring into focus, so it's easy for my to tailor myself and slip into a role.

    Just me on my own? Does personality exist when there is no one around to see it? Does it mean anything if there is no interaction? When I'm alone I'm creative, or quiet, I read, or I cook, or I do any number of things to keep me busy but I don't have anyone to act on or see me. I'm just me focused on the motions I choose to be going through. Hm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hold on. What are you saying here? It sounds like you need a defined role to slip into in order to feel like you are comfortable with that externally defined sense of self.

      Delete
    2. Sometimes. I can't "be myself" at work. "Myself" as I appreciate who I am, does not fit into my professional environment. It's easier for me to play the part of the person I think I should be instead of trying to force who I am into a place where all of me doesn't actually fit. It does create a disconnect and I always feel out of place, but it makes functioning in my environment much easier and things go more smoothly.

      That area of relationships where you're not just friends? Not quite a girlfriend/boyfriend? How do you act? What boundaries do you have? What is appropriate? What is not? It's blurry and there can be a lot of second guessing which causes crazy. Give me a solid idea of what I'm supposed to be and things get much easier. Maybe it boils down to boundaries and setting out some kind of structure. It's easier to operate when you know the rules (even if I do tend to break them).

      Sorry, sometimes I get lost in my own head and start to let my mind roam existentially.

      Delete
    3. Who has the luxury of being herself all the time? No one. EVen parents constantly ask their children to behave a certain way around them.

      Just the thought that one person, just one person to have around where I can be fully myself is a dream. That's probably why I am a hermit often because I really enjoy my own company and can be myself.

      Delete
  7. In my humble opinion, there are some people here who want to grow and others (Hello Eden) who want to harass others. At any rate, I have a point to make other than this.

    I think that one of the few peak experiences in life is to feel one's own sense of self. I don't think the best highs are equal to this. Highs take us out of our bodies whereas a sense of self puts us within our bodies. If I think of my peak experiences in life, they were really when I was centered such as this. I was not doing anything huge at these rare times. I was simply connected to myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And was it was of those peak experiences for you when you were conducting your 'vagina wars here, Erin?

      Delete
    2. Elicious I can only speak for myself, not Erin. For myself, I have traveled a road which has not made myself look pretty or manicured. I don't think one can heal severe abuse while looking pretty and/or intellectual. I like this about myself. I am a real person, not a Barbie doll even though I am pretty.

      Delete
    3. I'm sure you are probably right about healing abuse not being an attractive road to travel. I don't understand this DID stuff in response to what was a genuine question on my part in an attempt to understand your comment on peak experiences in relation to yourself. I wondered if that occasion had been cathartic for you in your journey.

      Delete
    4. ^I don't agree with your at all. A prime example
      would be Jacqueline Kennedy who was raised to be
      a geisha but overcame those odds while being intelligent and beautiful. And I might add - she
      raised two educated and stable children that were
      an asset to society.

      Delete
    5. Man... you really ARE obsessed with me, aren't you. hahaha! That's fucking awesome! I'll be forever eating at your brain without even trying to, and just go on with my life as usual. I love it!

      Delete
    6. ^Please, don't give yourself that much credit. But
      I know you will.

      Delete
    7. I'm sure you are probably right about healing abuse not being an attractive road to travel. I don't understand this DID stuff in response to what was a genuine question on my part in an attempt to understand your comment on peak experiences in relation to yourself. I wondered if that occasion had been cathartic for you in your journey. (second attempt at this post)

      Delete
    8. Eden /Raven/Turk is the Poster Boy for Boob

      Delete
    9. It's just Eden or Raven. Turk is a different poster. I don't use any name other than Raven these days.
      I saw Turk flirting with Monica the other day. No way in hell would I do that.

      I want to make that very clear because like UKan, I don't want her ugly ass thinking I'm spending any of my precious time on her. Especially that kind of precious time. If I'm going to flirt, it will be with the real beauties. Haven, Piles, and Mk.

      But I'm happy to see that she still thinks about me every day, and can't stop saying my name. :)

      Love you Haven! *kisses*

      Delete
    10. I want to drop the subject Anon 10:41. It is a waste.

      Delete
    11. You just can't help yourself... you're so in love with me!
      This always makes my day... :D

      Delete
    12. Raven! ::Big Kisses:: How have you been darlin'? I miss you!

      Delete
    13. Oh you know... I always rock out with my cock out! I think a few people are missing me around here. What do you think? Maybe I should start posting here regularly again. Don't want to disappoint my fans... ;)

      I've seen some of your Twitter posts recently. Sounds like you're struggling a bit. I think you need a woman's touch.

      Delete
    14. I think you should post here more regularly so I can see you more. Fuck the rest. But not literally. Save that for me ;)

      Oh you know, I'm up, I'm down, I'm Borderline. Par for the course I suppose. I'm getting my tattoo colored in tomorrow! I'm so excited =)

      Delete
    15. Sweet, on the tat.
      I'll come around just for you doll. The pleasure it will give others; that's just a bonus for me. It's my job. Bringing joy to all the boys and girls of SW.

      Delete
    16. I had the epiphany when I was playing music with a man who is so much better than I am.He is a truly great musician and I am not. I said that I would be honored if I could play in the background, just to play in the same place as he. He said, "Someone who is truly great is humble. He will want to build people up, not tear people down to make his small self feel better." He told me that he wanted to help me get to the point where I would not have to play in his shadows.

      Later, I realized that I have 2 other people like that, in my life. One is in my field. He is a master while I am a student. He goes out of his way to build me and everyone else up. He is not small in mind and smaller still in heart.

      I have another person like this. He is very successful, too.He will be the first to help someone in their career or personal development. His passion is to be a life coach. Contrast this with an Eden.

      Delete
    17. Now take everything you just said, and contrast it with a sociopath.

      You're an idiot Monica, and the reason no one here can stand you save Zoe (who likes everyone), is because you don't exist in reality. You loath me... yet worship all male sociopaths. Yet they are exactly the opposite of the people above you described as being great. They will tear you down to build themselves up. Face it. You can't keep your cake and eat it.

      I am that which you truly admire so. You just can't stand the truth.

      Have a lovely day... :D

      Delete
    18. You have a lovely day, too Eden. Peace :D

      Delete
  8. I believe that most people want to grow and to better themselves in all areas, regardless, of the times we share
    in degrading others. (Including, monica)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have changed my mind - after reading these posts
      below...........

      Delete
  9. Fuck you and your censorship M.E

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are welcome El. But not really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, you're right. My gold is no match for the contribution your little pet project makes here. kiss kiss, ta ta

      Delete
  11. Award for the most bitter SW member---Eden
    Listen to Eden sing in her plaintive voice

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha! You worship me!!! I love it!

      Delete
    2. I guess if someone worships bitter and crack whore looks, they could worship you.

      Delete
    3. he he true dat eden is rancid

      Delete
    4. Eden is the most lame SW member. Lets drop the subject--urgh

      Delete
    5. It's okay. You feel the need to beg me for my attention. I get it. You crave me. No need to feel embarrassed by your true feelings. It's a beautiful thing! :)

      Delete
  12. Lmfao You pegged Eden perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know Anon. I am GOOD

    ReplyDelete
  14. I me my, I me my, I me my

    ReplyDelete
  15. flowing me freely than wine

    ReplyDelete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.