Monday, April 30, 2012
I didn't even consider it until a few weeks ago, when I was just taking some personality disorder quiz, rated ridiculously high on antisocial personality disorder, and then proceeded to identify with all of the symptoms listed. This doesn't really alarm me, but I think it should? I don't know.
See, I wouldn't even think twice on it if it wasn't the answer to the question I've been asking myself for years: namely, the "what the hell is wrong with me" question. I always thought that I was probably crazy, but it wasn't impairing me so it didn't bother me. I use people like toys even when I know intellectually that I shouldn't. I've been astonishingly cruel to people who have offended me in the past, but on the whole, I'm the most charming person I think I've ever met. I don't think I'm seen anywhere besides my house without a smile on hand. Ask any of my friends; I'm a fun kind of person. Except I don't trust my friends. I don't tell them anything remotely personal, but I read them like a book, from body language to facial expressions to verbal cues. They tell me everything and trust me completely. I'm not touched but I feel like I should feel honored or some such thing. If I'm tearing into someone for some reason, I don't feel anything but a vague satisfaction if they're reduced to tears, and later on I don't feel guilty. In the past I've even tried to feel guilty for using people like that's the reason they're in my life, but I can't think of another use for them. If they can't benefit me in some way, why would I want them around? Anyways, all of those attempts at true remorse have failed dismally. I can produce tears at will, muster up enough emotion to put it on my face and watch other people believe me, but it goes away immediately. I can lie so convincingly that sometimes even I don't know if I'm actually telling the truth or not, much less the person I'm lying to. And they flow so naturally, I barely even have to think. I don't discriminate, either - at some point in my life I'm sure I've lied to just about everyone I know. I get bored, also. Insanely bored. I try to find almost any way out of this boredom; it makes me feel like I'm stagnating or something horrific like that. I can just see the rust forming in my brain. Ugh.
What used to bother me is that I'm such a chameleon that I don't even know who I am, or what kind of person I am (aside from charismatic). I have so many masks, they help me ace interviews, make friends wherever I find people, and get authority figures to trust me immediately even when they really, really shouldn't. I've displayed such behavior since I was around five, as far as I recall. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even a real person, just a collection of interchangeable personalities and an unshakeable coldness that seems to form the core of who I am. And I feel like this should upset me greatly, but what I find concerning is that it doesn't. Shouldn't it? When someone asks me if I feel guilty, or if I want to apologize, I always feel like saying, "should I?" They seem to know who I'm supposed to be, but I don't. And I certainly don't trust their judgement. But you seem to have similar occurrences, based on what I've read in your blog. And if anyone would know what exactly is the reason for these little, um, quirks, I figure it would be you, dear sociopath (and that honestly isn't an insult, fyi).
Please assist on this soul-searching quest I find myself on, and inform me if my suspicions are rooted in real evidence or I'm seriously just a lunatic with delusions of sociopathy. If you've read this, thank you for your time. If not, well, I'm sure you're busy and have many things to be attending to, but you couldn't spare a single moment to help a semi-innocent girl with an identity crisis? Where is your humanity? Yes, that was a joke. I'll stop wasting your time.
I thought -- it's always hard to tell from an email whether someone is a sociopath or not, but there is nothing here inconsistent with sociopathy. And actually she doesn't seem to care what the diagnosis is either way. I give it a big "maybe." Thoughts?