Sunday, December 2, 2012

Questions from readers

Here are some questions from a reader and my responses in regards to this post:
i'm curious why you didn't say 'I love you too' to your sister. I for one have always had trouble saying it to my family, but not to anyone else. The only conclusion I've come to is that I know my family knows who I really am, they see past the superficial, and know that I don't really get what it even means to love someone. With girlfriends it's easier, they start out as strangers so it's easy for me to create that role since they will take it as truth.

Is there a reason you left it out?
Ha, I'm glad you picked up on that. I purposefully didn't say "I love you too" because I didn't want to be disingenuous with my sister. I lie or pretend with strangers much more than with family. I guess part of it is because I know they won't believe certain false emotions. But more than that, I don't want to have to put on a show for them. It's exhausting to always pretend to be someone you're not. And I don't think being a sociopath should mean you have to live in the shadows. I mean, fine for those who want to live in the shadows all their lives and be what a friend termed "shadow players," but we should at least have a choice. I think sociopaths should have the same legitimacy that other empathy-challenged people enjoy: aspies, ADHD, etc. I don't want to have to pretend around my family because I don't want to feel like I always have to pretend. I actually want some people to know and like me for who I really am. And that is what family is there for -- unconditional love and/or acceptance. Or at least that is the bargain that my own family has worked out amongst ourselves.

Similarly, this question:
How do you categorize sociopaths who are willing to be open about it? Does that willingness mean they're not fully sociopathic? Maybe its the inherent narcissism (everyone has at least some) coming out, wanting others to fear and respect? I know my goal was to purposefully create fear when I was open about it. What's your purpose?
Like I said in response to the last question, I'm open about being a sociopath sometimes because I don't want to feel like I can never be open about it. I don't see how that would make someone not sociopathic. I mean, I don't shout it form the rooftops or anything, of course. but if I always have to pretend, then I am the powerless one -- I am the sheep subject to other people's whims, not the empaths.

I think it is shortsighted for sociopaths to believe that they will gain more for remaining hidden than they ever would through selective exposure. first of all, i think that sociopaths will not always be able to remain hidden. scientists, geneticists, psychologists are all looking for ways to tag sociopaths. sociopaths are subjected to tests that are then used to legally persecute them based on their sociopathy, either in enhancing jail sentences as an "aggravating factor," keeping them from parole, or keeping them from seeing their children. in addition to the legally sanctioned discrimination, there is a lot of informal hate for sociopaths. people crazy hate sociopaths, and sociopaths are easy to hate because we're faceless. if we banded together like the aspie's and other empathy-challenged, we could see some political/social gain and/or acceptance for our kind that would be greater than the sum all of the shadow playing from individual sociopaths. or let's have our cake and eat it too. at least i think that those scenarios are enough of a possiblity that it is smart to start laying the groundwork now for a worldwide sociopath PR campaign.

also i like to brag about certain conquests. what's the worth of skillful power plays if you can't ever share your successes?

76 comments:

  1. Having your cake and eatting it too. That's such a powerful saying - one that always drove me nuts. I may be now just over thinking, but is the ABILITY to have you cake and eat it too a possible sign of lack of empathy? Whenever I'm in a situation where I can get to have it and eat it, I think "Why not? That's what it is there for", but others seem disgusted and against it. In essence you're only taking, not giving - no wonder people hate sociopaths. All of everyones life they hear, "You can't have your cake and eat it too! That's wrong!", all this time they've really been saying, "You can't lack empathy! That's wrong!"

    Or I am just overthinking it.

    I have a question that I hope you will be able to write a new post about. Most of your writings are obviously about sociopaths, the next frequent being narcissists. The two clash but also flow very easily together. But what about other personality disorders? Have you only been diagnosed with Dissocial/Anti-Social Personality Disorder?

    I ask this because I have also been diagnosed with another - but I'll keep that to myself unless you would like to know. It's not embarassing, just no point in giving myself another label unless I have to.

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    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zKUBPgBQ1Q
      battle royale full english sub

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  2. I so agree, im a sucker for bragging about my conquests. im always pondering the question of who's really got the power? if i let them scare me into not showing just how good i am, who really wins? I know that if i have the freedom to say "I am your worst nightmare and you cant even tell, I have immense power over you all for even as I out myself you are incapable of stopping me." Then I am the one in control. Maybe its a weakness to want to expose myself to select individuals or groups, but im also a thrill seeker, and if i get caught up its always fun to make someone see how wrong it is to persecute me.

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    1. nothing more fun than telling a shrink what's you've done and she asking you why you are not in jail (or if you are afraid of jail)
      ps she was hotter than a hell bbq

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  3. If you have power but are never allowed to bask in it, then what really do you have?

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  4. The only time a sociopath feels truly alive is when he is basking in the sheer magnitude of his power.

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  5. Scary, and undoubtedly funny, just how synchronized we are, "ME". I'd just submitted a VERY similar post (subject matter and response) to a blog and, then, minutes later, I get the link to this in my email... hilarious. Now I'm actually gonna have to think over the already-old idea that I might really "belong" in this--unorthodox* crowd. Ha! Oh well, there goes that. -Iz.

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  6. I for one, am thankful for all the hard work you guys put in, for your own sakes.

    It feels great to enjoy the fruits of another's labour.

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  7. On the last paragraph, you ceased capitalizing altogether.
    Why is that?

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    Replies
    1. To expose you and your nitpicking ways...

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    2. I'm just pointing out a rather major topological upset. So far, M.E. has been very good at keeping his posts grammatically correct. Then, all of a sudden, that gets thrown out the window.

      What is the topology telling me? Who knows. Only that something is out of the ordinary. Perhaps his shift key is broken and he doesn't know it?

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    3. The capitals Mason, what do they mean?!

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  8. :) Hello Sociopathworld!!!!

    Good Morning to you all!!!!!

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  9. Hi Rich!

    I can't get on the Forum. I want to say that I appreciate Mesusa's contributions, a great deal. We, all, seem to have fights with each other, but that does not mean that I, personally, don't value someone with whom I have tangled.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Everyone can get on the forum. You don't need to use an account to do it. Just make a new forum account if you don't like posting anonymously, Monica. Then you can contribute to the forum as much as you like. :)

      Delete
    2. :) Hello Monica!!!!!

      I saw the thread about Medusa in the forum and she has never been mean to me, so she is okay in my book!

      Yesterday I had to make a new account SPECIFICALLY for the forum, that may be why you cant post ;)

      Delete
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  12. Though a few people suspect something, I have never told anyone I am a psychopath. I made a decision years ago that I will not go back to jail, and I am not very subtle (haha) so that means I have to actually behave myself. The longer I play pretend though, the stronger the urge gets to tell someone close to me. Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if I told a few family members and friends whom I have tested many times and proven to be trustworthy. I am curious to know from ME and others, how do you bring the subject up and make someone understand that you are still the same likeable person you were a minute ago before you told them something like that?

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    1. What difference does it make? After telling your friend(s) that you are a psychopath you'll still be the same person you were few seconds ago. And what is the point of doing it? If you want to act more freely, just do it. Then you can observe your friends and predict their reactions without using the mysterious word and putting yourself in a situation about which you have doubts. Or you can take an axe and just go all-in ~

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    2. If u tell those people clise to u they will be more understanding i hav a friend that shows signs of this ilness but he doesnt tell me me so i cant help him

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  13. anon 8:57

    How do you define psychopath, in your own subjective terms, not clinical terms?

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  14. What's up, I check your blog regularly. Your story-telling style is awesome, keep doing what you're doing!
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    1. I highly recommend you to stop this. People here are annoyed easily and it's only a matter of time until someone will find you. We had a "Bakk" person for a while some time ago. Had.

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    2. What is a "Bakk" person?

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    3. Wicked-lovely. The most annoying thing that ever occurred on SW. She was everywhere and wrote abt 5 comments per minute...
      It was until Mee threatened to publish pictures of her he got during their mysterious e-mail conversations.

      Another person that disappeared was Jose Javier.

      Delete
  15. This was from 2 posts back:

    Up From The SofaNovember 30, 2012 10:31 PM
    That is so gracious of you, Raven. Thank you so very much for your encouragement!


    This is my reply:

    Absolutely. This is really, something you've needed to do all along. Writing is an incredible tool to allow us to open up, and make ourselves vulnerable to the things we fear in ourselves, in a positive way. When we take something ugly, and turn it in to art- something we can enjoy looking at- the ugliness starts to evaporate from our minds. This is when you will be able to trade all those old patterns of thinking, and ways of looking at the world, for newer, more improved ones.

    I encourage you to continue to write to your hearts content. Write yourself the happiness you deserve, and believe that it is the truth you are writing. Not the fiction that is the vehicle you're using to drive you there.

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    1. I second those sentiments Raven. Wise words indeed.

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  16. Thank you, Raven. I will never forget those words!

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    1. Here is another thing you can put into practice. I know you love to take care of your body with raw foods. Lots of veggies and fruits- they are natures medicine, and your refrigerator is your medicine cabinet therefor.

      So take all the encouraging words you don't want to forget from this site, or from where ever. Print them out on some pretty paper. Cut around the quotes, and paste them to magnets. Put those magnets on your medicine cabinet, and read the words to yourself before you reach inside. In this practice you will first be giving your mind some natural medicine, before you medicate and nourish your body.

      Delete
  17. It feels really scary to love yourself.

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    1. I'm not sure I can relate to that. What I can relate to is fear of my own power, and the influence I am capable of having on others. You often bring up fear of success. I fear the added responsibility that success brings.

      It's not succeeding that I fear- it's keeping it, or asking it where it ends. I see my potential staring back at me in the reflections of the people I affect around me, and it's daunting. Like trying to imagine what infinity is like.

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    2. [Clap Clap Clap Clap]

      Never thought of it quite in this manner, but nicely done.

      Delete
    3. You guys are totally experiencing an epiphany.
      This is a very special moment for all of us.

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    4. You guys are such clowns.

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    5. You don't say…

      http://forum.2298483.n4.nabble.com/template/NamlServlet.jtp?macro=user_nodes&user=374689

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  18. I don't get it. What is the point of that link?

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    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPbGMlPHp2I

      Delete
  19. Interesting topic.

    I have the experience of seeing my sociopath friend have his cake and eat. He does this all the time with me no matter how much I complained. In our friendship / buddy-ship I realized that something was odd. He just was not reciprocating the friendship. We spend many hours sometimes on a daily talking as I tried to figure out why he was that way. He tortured me, in that, he would allow me to talk my heart out while he listened with a constant smirk on his face. At the end of my chatting he would say, “don’t worry yourself man.” I had major challenges becoming a buddy of his although it was obvious that he likes me. It took some 3 years to reach where I am with him now. He said that his best friend went through the same challenges.

    Anyway for me, him having his cake and eating is this. I love to give and share. He shares with me too as he is kind or have a giving side. We are co-workers and so I might take breakfast for him at times; sometimes everyday. Initially he would say thank you. But never give a compliment about the meal. After we have passed the impression stage of the friendship he would only occasionally say “thank you.” He simply ate the meal and that was it. If I said, “ you can say thank you.” He said, “ow!” Or smiled and walk away. His behaviour was the same whenever I did other acts of kindness big or small. He will say thanks whenever it pleases him. I stopped sharing with him because “thank you” is a basic common courtesy and I should not have to beg for it. Obviously stopping the sharing did not faze him. He never once asked why I stopped. We just moved on.

    He never told me he is a sociopath. I figured it out from his traits as he became more comfortable and being himself around me. I was upset with him and never spoke to him in October. As always whenever we resumed communication for some strange reason I can get information out of him. I don’t understand it but I can question him. We started communicating again about two weeks ago. I got a number of opportunities to discuss his sociopathy with him. No. I did not diagnosed him. He didn’t even know such a disorder existed. I would always tell him he has a personality disorder but never explained what I meant.


    So I am now telling him about his traits as listed by the professionals and share with him knowledge I’ve gained from this site and similar sites. He does not have internet. He is opening up and confirming and explaining things to me. I asked if he was comfortable discussing his real persona with me. He said yes. If he is relaxed or bored I get much info out of him. Otherwise his responses are selective. Myself and his best-friend he shared his darkest secret, which for me was the determining factor he is a sociopath or disordered. He admitted to not feeling remorse and emotion at any significant level about something done.

    He tends to avoid questions like: Who am I to you as a friend? What do I mean to you as a friend?
    What are some of the things you like about me? He refuses to talk about our questionable bonding. Anyway, I believe that if you are not the judging type and the sociopath trust you he will be himself openly. I told him how he manipulates and cons me at times. We just laughed about it. His manipulation and conning was not the kind to really hurt me. Sometimes I cussed him out about his sociopathic behaviour but it’s all in fun and privately. I am careful not to expose him infront of others or breach the trust between us. He is smart and can defend himself though.

    QUESTION: Can you identify or shed some insight on this. My sociopath friend trust males more than females. He claims women chat too much or will divulge info. Do you feel the same? To a great degree he has allowed me into his private life/world. He has never allowed / trusted any female or even his intimate girlfriend into his inner world. Odd or not?


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    1. Some things can be related to sociopathy, however it does not necessarily mean that he is one. Attitude towards females has low connection (if any) with sociopathy - it's more like a personal trait, just like the impoliteness or reserved behaviour can be.

      The important part is your obsession with him. Why do you try to get into his head?

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    2. He has decided that women are toys, or provide certain benefits but are not useful as friends, for one thing they are more likely to be judging or moralistic than guys.

      Curious why you are attracted to his friendship. Sure, they are more fun occasionally but you know very well that he couldn't care less if you disappeared tomorrow. You have already positioned yourself as a friend with tangible benefits. He moves on with you without any specific demands, and is not even curious why you are providing but you sure are good with your providing. If you one day made the mistake of telling him "I did this for you, that for you,' he'd calmly say "I never asked you for any of that.' And, he'd be right, you're doing things as an empath, reading between the lines as to what he'd like, or appreciate, but he is not explicitly asking.

      There is a golden saying 'don't give a man more than what he is asking for.' This applies to men as much as women. WHy are you such a sucker? Trying to justify your existence by providing for a socio?

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    3. Some people just need to feel wanted. Desired?

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    4. Iv read your comments and i hav the same situation with a male friend he opens up we talk for hours he has given me enough personal info to know he trusts me iv stayed at his place with him alot he knows i care i even told him i love him he has said that as well but also has said he cant love or get to close to anyone he has tested me i think he might hav had me under servaliance wen he left me in his home i want him to just tell me he knows i wont judge as my som has a mental health condition why cant he tell me

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    5. If anyone can give me advice on how to get him to just tell me or any advice on how i can bring it up and ask him i just wana help him iv offered to help him with everything from my company to helping him with doing things like cooking house work even offered to help him with money if he needed it but he says he cant even handle it wen i gave him a present as he never gets gifts and he didnt know wat to get me so he ignored the whole situation i would hav just liked a thankyou but that didnt happen until i asked him if he liked it should i just be straight out with him and tell him i know or could he hate me for that

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    6. I am not too clear on what you would like to ask your friend. Due to the lack of punctuation marks your posts were kinda hard to read. Just ask the question(s) again.

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    7. I think I now understand what you are asking. Speaking from my own experience you cannot ask them certain questions in a direct way. I have asked my friend many questions but the right opportunity is the key. I had to learn to find the right moment in a particular conversation to ask my questions. Your question must have some bearing to the conversation at hand. Anyway whenever he is relaxed or bored I am able reason with him on a deep personal level. Let say he opens up but trust is rather important here. My intention was to know him better as a friend.

      You cannot pressure him for information. You will never get it unless he says so. If he trusts you or he is comfortable that you wont judge him then he will let you into his inner world bit by bit. It takes time. In getting to know my friend over the years I can tell you this. No significant woman (wife or girlfriend) in his life will ever know him half as well as his best friend and I know him. He does not allow females into his inner world. Females are kept at the surface level. He is more into the sexual gratification and their domestic capabilities. Not saying your friend is like that but be guided.

      I can totally relate to your level of kindness, care and help to your male friend. I have been there. Initially the kindness was appreciated then after a time he just accepted whatever I gave because he was getting it and not because my kindness meant anything of such to him. When he did say thanks i sounded artificial. I got emotionally drained after a time from all the giving and care. That experience was like pouring water into a straw basket.

      I knew that I needed to pay attention to myself and not put so much effort and energy into my socio friend. Gradually I scaled down on the kindness over a period of time. If I do give to him I don't expect anything from him. Give without attachment. So my deep level of care and giving to him has significantly scaled down and it doesn't bother him one bit. Up to now he has not asked one question as to why I have stopped. Life goes on for him as he knows how to get what he wants from others if so desired.

      My best advice is for you to begin focus on you. In my case giving myself the attention didn't affect the friendship maybe because trust and confidentiality was what my friend really wanted from me and that I am ok with.

      Telling him he has a mental issues is tricky. He can easily spin it on you, making you look like the one with a problem. In my view telling him is dependent on how solid the relationship is. Before I told my friend I think he is a sociopath I would from time to time tell him that he has a personality disorder. I would say that based on things he shared with me in the moment now. It is tricky like I've said earlier. In my present stance as friends I don't have to mince words. I tell him what's on my mind. Cuss him out if I need to and he is not bothered. A female, even a close one might not be so lucky.

      Good luck to you.

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  20. [b] bold type [/b]

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  21. I am having the most horrible anxiety. I don't know why.

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    1. That's why it's called Generalized Anxiety. Try to divert your thoughts from it. Calm your overactive amygdala.

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  22. Talking about family; I have a question to narcissists about an issue. And no disrespect.

    I was in a semi-long term relationship with a narcissist and he had a problem of the family being "happy," and would squelch their happiness majority of the time. Why?

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    1. what is semi long term is that an oxymoron

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  23. You all keep making me laugh.

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  24. Funny, funny stuff.

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  25. If the answer is "the happiness wasn't about him." That doesn't make sense.

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  26. MeeDecember 2, 2012 2:00 PM
    Some things can be related to sociopathy, however it does not necessarily mean that he is one. Attitude towards females has low connection (if any) with sociopathy - it's more like a personal trait, just like the impoliteness or reserved behaviour can be.

    (Point taken Mee.
    Thanks) . I am no expert on sociopathy but I have recognized many similarities in him as described by sociopaths on this site about themselves. He is at least a disordered person in some ways.

    (The important part is your obsession with him. Why do you try to get into his head.)
    He sends me mixed signals in the friendship then refuse to clarify/ answer pertinent questions. He patterned my personality and so I thought we had a lot in common as buddies so I treated him as a true friend. Then bit by bit he began to change back to his real self. My mind then began to asked all kinds of questions about the changes. I guess I’m trying to do the impossible – understand him more. Also, he flirted with me and seduced me which led into intimacy for months – no sex was involved. Why did he do that yet refuse to say anything on the subject. He won’t say if he is bi-sexual or he was just playing around for simply fun. Apart of me wants an answer although I know he will never say once he decides not to. I think that I might be overly curious about his sexuality.

    SomeoneDecember 2, 2012 4:31 PM
    Let me respond to some of your comments. Your first paragraph is on target. He uses women for sex mostly and then done with them. Some he keeps as friends but they are not allowed into his inner world.
    {“Curious why you are attracted to his friendship. Sure, they are more fun occasionally but you know very well that he couldn't care less if you disappeared tomorrow.”}

    I like him. He is a cool dude on some levels. He has some qualities that I admire too. I get the impression that we are both attracted to each others friendship for reasons of sort. Through the educating of sociopathworld I now know that as close as we might be now, he can toss me out like yesterday’s bath water. My attachment to him now is far less than say a year ago.

    (“You have already positioned yourself as a friend with tangible benefits. He moves on with you without any specific demands, and is not even curious why you are providing but you sure are good with your providing. If you one day made the mistake of telling him "I did this for you, that for you,' he'd calmly say "I never asked you for any of that.')

    I don’t provide for him as I did in the past. We share things occasionally but I do so now without expectations. You are right. If I made the mistake of telling him that I did this or that for him he would say, I never asked you for anything.” I am aware that I helped and cared at my own risk and must take responsibility. I was unaware of his shallow emotional side then but I do now.

    (“There is a golden saying 'don't give a man more than what he is asking for.')
    Appreciate the golden rule. Will bear same in mind. Thanks.

    (“Why are you such a sucker? “)
    A good and important question. I am putting some energy and focus into finding out why. It’s a process. In recent times I have been much less of a sucker through the help of this site.


    Mee and Someone thank you for the insight and straightforwardness.





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    1. So you want to label him because you are unsatisfied with your friendship or are there more reasons? Are you a heterosexual? If you were, I could think that you want him to be a psychopath because that would mean that he was faking his feelings (because you can't tolerate it). However, by reading your post I can make an assumption that it's the other way around. Which is it?

      Also, what you think will change after you'll be certain if he's a psychopath or not? You shouldn't forget that psychopaths do have feelings, some are less active than the ones a neurotypical has, but they still exist (:

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    2. Response to MEE above 6:42 AM

      I am not trying to label my friend for the sake of labeling. There are more and deeper reasons why I think he might be a sociopath or fit somewhere in the disordered category. My dissatisfaction is related to his inconsistent attitudes and behaviours as a friend. It might be reasonable to say the dissatisfaction is more of a disappointment in his inability return mutual friendship, although he seeks after friendship with me for whatever reason(s). The flip flop in the personality is difficult to deal with at times.

      “Are you a heterosexual?” If you were, I could think that you want him to be a psychopath because that would mean he was faking his feelings.” What orientation you gathered my friend is viewed as ? Whether a person Straight or gay, black, white, yellow, pink: a sociopath could or would fake his feelings with anyone he chooses at anytime. Right? During that intimacy time he sent me mixed sexual signals and actions. Were they real, fake or just fun? He never chose. A gay friend overseas thinks that my socio buddy is gay from out of the book. I differ though based on how much my buddy loves women for sex mostly.

      “However, by reading your post I can make an assumption that it’s the other way around. Which is it?”
      Work with the assumption arrived at.

      Mee I tell you this straight up. Even if my friend was clinically diagnosed as a sociopath I would not change towards him. I am still his friend today although he fits these many sociopathic traits. If I should change towards him and ran away as far as is possible could from him, then it would have been about two years ago when he told me his deepest secret. That was reason enough but I did not.

      If socios have feelings then they have a strange way of showing it. what kind of feelings. Buddy accepts affection when I give it to him but he doesn’t care to give it. I am understanding how different we are as friends. Thank you.

      However, by reading your post I can make an assumption that it's the other way around. Which is it





      Are you a heterosexual? If you were, I could think that you want him to be a psychopath because that could mean that he was faking his feelings

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    3. So had you tried expressing your dislikes for him? You told him to stop playing gay, right?

      If you'll remain friends anyway, then why do you care about his personality?

      In addition, the information you gave is obviously not enough, however, from what you wrote I'd say he might be bipolar.

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    4. No. I have not tried expressing dislike for him. However, I have expressed dislike for behaviours and attitudes that are outside of mutual friendship. Eg. I regard common courtsey. He doesn't care too much about courtsey or it depends on who then he will apply it conveniently.

      I have not told him to stop playing gay. But I have tried finding out why? Senario: One evening I asked him to give me a kiss. I would normally kiss him on the forehead so I expected the same. He held me and the next things I know we were deep kissing. The following day I asked what that was about and he refused to talk about it or any aspect of the gay playing. He acted as if it never happened. By the way I fell for him. But during that time we did intimate stuff like heavy petting and carressing. No sex. If it happened today then tomorrow is like he doesn't want to be touched or anything. It's as if he was playing me at his beck and call sometimes. During that phase of intimacy he would allow me to do whatever I wanted within the ambits or intimacy. Most of the time though he did not do back those things....only allowed it to happen. Yes, I wanted to find out what it was that he wanted from me or what was going on between us.. Did he want a relationship with me or not? It did seem as if we had a relationship but because he was not open to discussion I left the topic alone.

      Obviously the information is limited. In your opinion my friend could be bipolar. Question: Do bipolar individuals experience the kind of boredom that sociopaths experience. The terror and torment that goes on inside of a sociopath; does a bipolar experience such. My friend experience those inner terrors. What were some of your determining factors?

      Thanks

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    5. Im experiencing a simular thing but im female his male we hav been intametand had sex we are good friends but he had alot of issues , iv known him for 3 years i noticed his different moods iv now realised he has multiple personalities , hav you considered that he could hav multiple personality and 1 of them might be the gay person and thats why he acts like he doesnt remember its hard to. Work out as there id a range of conditions that it can be goidluck

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    6. Reply to: Anon Dec 8 11:39 PM

      My friend can moody at times. When in a happy mood our friendship is great. When in a negative mood he would look sad and dejected. The sad look is when he is going through the boredom sociopaths say they experience. He has confirmed this with me. There are times when I am trying to say something to him and if he is reading or his head hang down for whatever reason he simply refuse to raise his head to acknowledge my presence and respond. He will tell me to just talk or not say anything at all. I had to set a boundary for that attitude. Or I avoid conversing with him when he is in a low mood. Sometimes in his low mood he will allow me to entertain him or engage in conversation to rid himself of boredom. That I understand.

      I have never thought of him as having multiple personalities. I have doubts about the multiple personalities though. I think that he does remember the intimacy we shared but maybe his manliness feels threatned as to why he is closed towards discussion on the topic. Homophobic environment might be a factor. When I teased in fun about aspects of intimacy/gayness we shared in he would only smile but does not say a word.

      I am just friends with him now and so I stick with what works.

      Delete
  27. Monica's head had an orchestra which played full blast. It did not play Brahms or Mozart with lilting violins and rumbling cellos. It played Bela Bartok with fire engine sounds and a melody line which seemed inspired by a five year old's temper tantrum.

    Tonight, she tried to make it stop by eating into oblivion with three six ounce containers of macadamia nut dip. The first one had tasted good, but the third was nauseating and they stayed with her all night.

    She dreamed of walking her dog to the mall and stopping for chicken in an outdoor restaurant. She went to feed her dog chicken, but it had become a horse. It was an albino stallion which looked like her Standard poodle who had died. It was begging her for chicken. She threw it pieces, so it would leave her alone and let her eat. Then, she asked the waitress for a take out container of chicken for it. She happily took the take out, as she felt she did a generous thing for the horse, whom she now was walking, like a dog on a leash, to the end of the parking lot, and then home.

    All of a sudden, the horse fell over, onto it's side and was making fog horn noises and wretching as if it would die, then and there. It was trying to throw up the chicken. but nothing would come out of it's mouth, except the worse noise she had ever heard from a living creature.

    She started running back to the mall, but it was so hot that heat waves were coming up from the sidewalk. Her legs would not move. She wondered if she should call a vet to look at the horse. She wondered if she should let it die, on the hot pavement, so she would not have to spend the money.

    Her running became like underwater walking. She could barely drag her legs to the door at the front of the mall. If she had enough energy, she could do this! Everything came down to keeping up her energy. Then, before she woke up, she realized it was all her fault because horses don't eat chicken.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of the best stories so far, imo

      Delete
  28. Thank you, Mee. It was my dream, last night and I ate all those dips :D

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  29. I say it as a formality and no one questions it. Then again, talking to people in general is a formality of sorts.

    ReplyDelete

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