Thursday, December 20, 2012

Right and wrong

While I was in the bush, one of my companions had an object lost and likely stolen at one of the lodges we stayed at. Our guide was really angry about it, much more so than my friend. He was very religious and was constantly talking about "that is a very bad thing" (was it?).  At one point he said that he also had been tempted to steal objects from his clients that would have been the equivalent of a week's salary or more for him, but that he had never stolen anything in his adult life. And in that moment, I swear to you, I thought, "yeah, neither have I," despite having spent one year on such a shoplifting spree that I stole more days than not, among other exploits. Of course as I kept thinking about it, I remembered my career as a thief but still found it hilarious that I was nodding along with my uber-moral guide about what a bad thing stealing was.

I have written about this before (and forgotten about it, which is too funny given that the last post was all about how I have a tendency to forget anything shady from my past), but more in the terms of self-awareness. Which doesn't necessarily explain what happened shortly after.

I was watching what essentially was a morality play for children. There was a scene about theft, nearly identical to how I used to steal most frequently. One of the characters had stolen and I felt this anxiousness for him. When his friend suggested that they actually pay for the item, I wanted him to do that. I actually felt that stealing was wrong in this situation. I had a moment where I thought to myself, I am cured! I have a conscience. And then I remembered all of the stealing I had done (again) and asked myself, "why do you think that this instance of stealing is wrong but you never were capable of recognizing it before?" Was it because this children's program had simplified the subject enough and given sufficient cues such that even I was able to pick up on the wrongness of the stealing? Am I fine understanding the abstract concepts of right and wrong, just mixed up on the real world applications? Was the program inherently manipulative, my pangs of .... whatever more a tribute to my easy suggestibility than to having successfully birthed a conscience? Was it because the situation was so parallel to my own past, a past that I had to basically negative condition myself out of, Pavlovian aversion therapy style, in order to get myself to stop and to start leading a more legit lifestyle? I still don't know.

68 comments:

  1. You think too much M.E.!!! Oh...and FIRST!!! :p

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    1. I hate when people say that! I hate when people tell me platitudes like "go take the dog for a walk down a few houses and you will feel better" If someone gives me a platitude now, they are not my friend.

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    2. Calm down Monica, go have a cup a' joe's.

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    3. Ok I am doing yoga, so that will help :)

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    4. Just for you, Monica

      Half the harm that is done in this world
      is due to people who want to feel important.
      They don't mean to do harm-
      But the harm does not interest them.
      Or they do not see it, or they justify it
      Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle;
      To think well of themselves
      -T.S.Eliot

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    5. Anon 12:25
      You sound like you are calling me a narcissist ~

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    6. Demotivational quote of the day.

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    7. 109
      You don't see it as a motivational quote? hmm

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    8. Quite and ironic situation we have ourselves here.

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  2. I have written about this before (and forgotten about it, which is too funny given that the last post was all about how I have a tendency to forget anything shady from my past), but more in the terms of self-awareness.

    Yeah. Forgetting, minimizing, and twisting, wherein the hurting of others is concerned.

    Understanding that something is "wrong" according to a humanitarian construct, philosophy, or moral paradigm such as faith- and actually caring in a guttural sense, are two very different things. It is so easy for us to detach.

    I believe that some aspects of all societies are profoundly psychopathic. Virtually every society professes a superficial, trite adhesion to a set of "moral" principles- as determined by the ruling faith, cultural norms, or tradition of a nation- which serves to whitewash or hide the motives and movements of the underlying, corrupt agendas of power. There is one law for "us", and another for "them". We are expected to be honest, while they rob us blind and even paint a "legitimate" veneer on the process. It's all relative if it isn't real.

    But we're too busy watching Jersey Shore to give a rat's ass about social justice, and we don't realize that all of our hands are collectively dripping with blood. Even when we do, we don't really care, because we continue to purchase goods made by the hands of starving children, and pat ourselves on the back when we give a buck to the homeless man on the street corner.

    We are detached from the processes which cradle and sustain us. We knowingly make decisions that perpetrate grave injustices upon other human beings. We brazenly set the value of taking pleasure in our trinkets above the relative significance of human life. Our culture and economy are driven by the sociopathic machinery of the military-industrial complex, because fundamentally, we are willing to exploit so as to sustain our lifestyle, even cognizantly.

    We are a profoundly sociopathic generation.

    I don't *care* all that much- do you?

    Thankfully, it is not my feelings that are important. I can show my love by my actions.



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  3. "How could anyone so gorgeous want to be ugly??" From her purple haze, Medusa did a slow mo double take. "What? Where did you hear that?"

    "Oh ..what? What did i say? This is pretty good weed Medusa!!! ha ha"

    "No, what did you just say, RIch? "

    "I don't know. I don't know where that came from. Haha!! Wow that really is some pretty good weed, MEdusa!!.. I don't even know what I'm saying, ha ha!!!"

    If anyone could smell a rat it was Medusa. "Really? Because I find that an odd thing to say. Where did you hear that Rich? Did someone tell you I wanted to be ugly?" She stood there waiting for an answer watching the sweat drip from Rich's hairline, down his cheeks.

    "No MEdusa, no one told me that!"

    Medusa took out her switch blade. She fingered it while staring up Rich's nose, planning where to slice and sever the thing which separates the nostrils.

    Ok ok Ok I 'll tell you!!!! I was there at Raven's salon that night you told her you wanted her to make you ugly!!!! I'm sorry MEdusa, I didn't mean to eavesdrop!!!!!

    He managed to explain how CEO and ME made an appt for Raven to spiff him up for work, how he came too early and how Raven shoved him in the colorists' closet so her clients wouldn't see him.

    "She called me a smelly, toothless drug addict and just threw me in there !!! With the lights off!!! It was a very traumatic experience, Medusa!!! I'm so afraid of the dark!!! I was in there for hours!!! I had a multiple panic attacks in there!!! I soiled myself!!! It took me weeks to get over it!!!! Listening to you guys was the only thing I could do to distract me from myself!!!"

    "Well well well well well. You seem to have learned a thing or two about the pity play from SW. Haven't you, Rich?"

    "I've been watching you change into shit, Rich. You used to come bouncing in the office with a child's innocence. You think people haven't noticed that smug smile you started to wear? You're like the rest of them now, aren't you? How does it feel? Tell me, how does it feel to be a conniving, manipulative con man?? I'm betting there's a piece of you that hates yourself now more than you did when you were using. Huh?"

    "Medusa, no, it isn't like that at all!!! Please believe me!!! I didn't tell you because I ..I ..I couldn't embarrass you like that. It was private between you and Raven. I was respecting you!! Please Medusa, I'm nothing like a sociopath!!! I couldn't be a sociopath if I tried!!!"

    "No shit, Rich. But you're just as dead as the rest of them. And you've been sucking the life out of anyone who'll listen to your methadone clinic/poor me, I have agoraphobia sob stories. You get lots of nice things with ye ole reliable pity play, don't you, Rich?? You're pathetic. "

    Rich was confused. How long HAD he been a manipulative con man? No. No. Medusa had a way of making people feel low. She turned people against themselves. It was her forte and he wasn't buying. He stood there and calmly said if that was what she believed, he wouldn't bother her anymore. He wouldn't go where he wasn't wanted.

    As he solemnly started to gather his things to leave, she told him he just did it again and she stomped off to the bathroom. He followed her. He couldn't leave with her thinking he was such an asshole. She slammed the door, but the bathroom door bounced open from the impact. Rich crept up to it. He couldn't help from glancing in.

    Holy shit, she was pissing standing up.

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    1. LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOL HILARIOUS writing!!!!!!!

      I love it!!!!

      This reminds me, I have like a week of catching up to do on "Up From The Sofa"

      :) Thank you, I needed a good laugh!!!!!

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    2. Fake Medusa
      You Rock! I read every word, transfixed. The only problem is that you tease us with so much with time between episodes :(

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    3. I'm so glad you liked it, Rich!!!

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    4. Thank you, Monica.

      I am still following through, though!

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    5. Yep. A little tease is always good :D

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    6. The original Medusa had enough sense to leave this blog site.

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    7. Thank you Fake MEdusa!!! I thought it was excellent!

      It was good, in depth, and just plain hilarious! LOL!

      "No shit, Rich. But you're just as dead as the rest of them. And you've been sucking the life out of anyone who'll listen to your methadone clinic/poor me, I have agoraphobia sob stories. You get lots of nice things with ye ole reliable pity play, don't you, Rich?? You're pathetic. "- This was HILARIOUS!




      "She called me a smelly, toothless drug addict and just threw me in there !!! With the lights off!!! It was a very traumatic experience, Medusa!!! I'm so afraid of the dark!!! I was in there for hours!!! I had a multiple panic attacks in there!!! I soiled myself!!! It took me weeks to get over it!!!! Listening to you guys was the only thing I could do to distract me from myself!!!"- This was DOUBLY HILARIOUS!!!!!

      :)

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    8. Thank you Rich. I like using you for character. I hope that the real Medusa has the same sense of humor you do, cuz she could probably kick my ass.

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  4. Can't help you with your questions. Those are things you will have to search deep in that soul of yours to get to. What I found most interesting is how mad you said the guide had gotten. And then he said he had these urges but never acted on them. I have had this idea these people who are Holier than Thou and so condemning about certain aspects of others because deep inside they want to do the things they see as despiteful. That guide is a theif trapped in his own cage built by social paradigms construted by values he doesn't truly believe. He's fighting himself because he really is bad but he is too afraid to be himself.

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    1. Will, do you mean despicable?

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    2. No. I meant what I said.

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    3. It seems as if this point has been belaboured into the fiery depths of oblivion by now.

      Its like this. There are laws and its consequences, a rule by fear.
      For some its the fear of a hefty fine, or doing time in prison, or spending an eternity in hell.

      And then, there are some who believe that there's something better.

      That's right. They think that there's something better than going around like unfortunate beggars, who feel the need to take advantage of every opportunity which presents itself.

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    4. What? Forgive me if I can't understand what your saying. What point are you talking about? For that matter what point has not been belaboured to death. And what is the something better you talk about? Communication is the key to getting around in this world friend. What are you trying to say?

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    5. There is an official term for people like that Will: Prig With a Past. Guilt about their past demands that they claim the highest moral ground for themselves so everyone sees them as a model of integrity. Think of a smokin' buddy who marries an anti-pot nazi. Suddenly they go from stoner to condemning everyone else for smoking because the new ball and chain demands they live the way the other person has chosen to live. Same is true for sluts and bullies (sometimes)

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    6. I agree that many people follow a set of moralistic laws without actually considering the reason and purpose behind these rules.

      As for me, if I were to steal from someone, it would mean that I have absolutely no respect for them, I would be betraying that persons trust.

      The reason this is bad, is because in the long run you're going to stop caring about these things, you'll become blunted.

      Values such as trust, respect, love will begin to die as you take advantage of the blind trust of other people, in the end you'll have become blunt inside because of the constant betrayal.

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    7. To Anonymous at 8:15AM
      I get what you're saying but that is not what I was talking about. I am talking about the people who never did anything bad in their life like steal. And how these people look so down on those who do with distaste and disdain but deep inside have those urges only to be afraid to be that person. They're just like a theif, or murderer, or an adulterer but too weak to be what they really are. This frustrates them and causes them to hate those who can be what they wish to be.

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  5. Now I'm convinced you have a vagina, M.E.

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    1. Yes, when someone says shoplifting I equate it with clothes and shoes and stuff. He could be going to a hardware store and stealing nuts and bolts and guy stuff, though.

      Anywho, TV shows have a mysterious way of making me feel more strongly for the misfortunes and successes of the characters than I do for people in real life. It could be that when I watch TV, I submit myself to it so much that it unlocks some level of empathy that I would not achieve outside of the submissive state.

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    2. I don't even know hardcore queens that would brag about a year-long shoplifting spree...

      Whatever, I'm just being sexist.

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    3. It all becomes clear, we got ourselves an hermaphrodite.

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  6. Replies
    1. Good morning, Rich. How are you?

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    2. Hey Mee, Iam okay, just getting ready for the Christmas holiday and thinking what I should get my brother and mother, I think I know what Iam gonna get my stepdad.

      How are you Mee?

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  7. All Caught up on "Up From The Sofa" I love the new ones! Great writing!!!!

    PS to Sceli, I saw your movie suggestion and since I have Netflix alot of the movies are downloaded so you can watch them online so one of these days Iam gonna watch the Oslo movie!

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    1. Rich. Are you still on drugs?

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    2. Will- Iam not on any illicit drugs. I quit the weed cause I wanna get a job. I passed my last urine test at the methadone clinic and as a matter of fact I have another urine test tommorow and when the result come in I will FINALLY get to start getting "Take homes" it starts off with 1 takehome a week so you dont have top go into the clinic everyday.

      I do drink alcohol, Every day I drink 1 bud light, 2 16 oz steel reserves (8.1% alc beer), and 2 glasses of wine.

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    3. Basically this is my daily drug menu, although the Methadone and Xanax ARE PRESCRIBED, and the alcohol is legal, I still consider them drugs.

      6:00am daily- Take 110mg's of methadone at the clinic.

      8:40 daily- Take a 2mg pill of xanax.

      4:15-4:30 daily- 1 bud light, 2 16oz steel reserves, and 2 glasses of wine. I drink that over a 3 hour period.

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    4. I used to be a hard drinker when I was a younger man. Never played with the drugs though. Tried a few. They cost too damn much. I have a question for you. What do you get out of associating with people here?

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    5. I actually enjoy talking to the people here. Some of them are very nice and intelligent. Others are a little more volatile but they are pretty intelligent as well.

      I guess (maybe because Iam an empath) that I like to see the world from other peoples eyes and get to know their perspectives on things to see how much we are alike, or not alike.

      Also, you learn about yourself when you are here, I have learned that Iam not really much different than some of the narcissists/sociopaths here and it gets me thinking that maybe some of them are just "labels"..... I think real PSYCHOPATHY (Primary Psychopathy), is definatly a real personality disorder, but Iam not so sure about APD, alot of the time people seem to confuse APD with simple criminality.

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    6. I think just the opposite. This whole psychopath thing doesn't make much sense to me. I've been called a psychopath for some of the shit I have done but I think it was just a word the other person had in their vocabulary at the time. They could have easily called me a nut or just plain crazy. To me it just suggested some outlandish things I was doing at the time. Antisocial is a personality type for sure but I am not so sure how much of a disorder it really is. I think people have been pigeonholed into a society that doesnt work for some. So they get by the best way they know how.

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    7. Will, when I say that Iam talking about diagnoses from professionals, not just friends/police officers/ random people.

      But like Robert Hare said in one of the documentaries on Psychopathy I have watched "The Test (the PCL-R)" is only as good and reliable as the as the person giving the test, assuming they have had the proper training.

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  8. Thank you, Rich! Feel free to tell me what you like and what you don't, as that is how I learn!

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    1. Honestly, I like it ALL! I think you are a very talented writer!

      I really like the ones with multiple characters where you get so in depth like what look somebody gives somebody else, how they were raised as a child, ETC.

      I find those VERY entertaining!

      PS- I have ALL of them saved ;)

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  9. I went through a shoplifting phase when I was 12 years old. I would go into a local supermarket and swipe packs of cigarettes that were in displays located pretty close to the cash registers. I was actually very good at it and was never caught unlike some of my friends. I was quick handed and bold and I guess also looked very young/angelic so I think even with the new bulges in my pants no one thought to check me for 10 packs of Newports or Salem lights in my pockets and underwear.

    It was thrilling and easy, kept my addiction satified, and I didn't think it was so wrong as my other friends were doing it and it was just cigarettes. We were kids having fun. One friend who got caught got in a lot of trouble so I decided not to do it anymore by the time I was 13. Nowadays I wouldn't steal unless I had to for survival.

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    1. There are more effective and less risky ways to get what you want anyway.

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    2. You little aspie criminal master-mind...

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  10. VEGITOPATH IN LOVE WITH UKANDecember 20, 2012 at 9:56 AM

    GOOD MURNING RICH TEEHEEEEEE YUU SHULD GO WATCH GAY NAZEE PORN TEHEEEE BEOZ YUR SUCH A GAYLURD TEEHEEEE
















































































































































    JEFF K. INTURNET SCREEMING TEEHEE












































































































































    TEEHEEE





































































































































































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    1. Damn vegiopath strikes again!

      Who will protect our series of tubes?

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    2. For real TNP, he/she has been striking alot lately!

      TEEHEE!!!!!!!

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  11. For Rich---By Special Request

    Rich left Bluebird's apartment, in a racing screech, first by foot, then via his beat up Camaro with the Hell's Angel decal on the side. It matched his tattoo, on his left forearm.
    Rich raced that sucker, furiously, as he sped home, to Mommy's house, where a hot shower was waiting. He entered the front door, said a mumbled hello to goofy uncle who was surfing the t.v. with the 500 channel remote( 600 if you included foreign language stations) and ran up to his bedroom. He put his soiled clothes in a bag, to be disposed of, later. Now, he was going to wash his body good, just like they were doing to Bluebird, down at the morgue, her last destination on terra firma.

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  12. Let's face it. If you squish mega watts of energy in the form of repression, suppression and depression into your normal size body, you can going to be an mutant. Even if you were obese, you could not get away with it. You may try to hide it with a nice smile and I am sure you do. You are just "a little off", as my grandma would say, and she picked up most everything.

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    1. It began with a phobia, that got worse and worse, until she went in the corner in a fetal position when she saw it(heard it, thought about it,or anyone talked about it)

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    2. The hardest thing was trying to figure out life, while you were in the process of going numb. Little things got big. They went round and round. You had to ask a million people their opinions because you didn't know. Previously, she had known, but no more. Once, she went numb, it was a new world with new rules. She couldn't fucking feel it. She lost the connection like a wire which splits and you can't put it back, together. You will get fucking electrocuted. So, she had to adjust to this new world with it's new sense, which was nothing, nothing at all.

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  13. The phobia started after many lesser phobias, such as being afraid she would die if she went to sleep or being afraid to go out of the house. This one crept up on her until it hit full blown. Then, she worried about it, all the time. If she got near it, she would shake, as if the earth was quaking at a 7 on the Richer. You could not let people see you like this, so you shook and shook inside, until you were exhausted. What was there to do? No one seemed to be able to help. She had gone to shrinks for her whole life.

    The phobia had it's roots in Kindergarten, when the inevitable kid threw up. One kid,Charles Martin, ate his crayons and threw up. All the kids shrieked and ran away from him, as if he were radioactive. The kids that threw up in school seemed to have a before and after persona.They seemed to lose their favor with the other kids and became outcasts. Or did she imagine that? She never wanted the kids saying "ICK" and running to escape while she threw up her guts. She was holding very bad things down there, that no one could see, not even her.

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  14. Does everyone remember every kid that threw up, or is it just me? There were others before the summer that she went to summer day camp from 7 AM in the morning to 7 PM. That summer many things came together in a worse mismatch than before. Her breasts were full womanly size. What 8 year old has full size breasts? She was a little pudgy. To round out the picture, she wore a blue wool blazer that covered her breasts, perfectly. She would not take it off, even if it was 90 degrees( and it often was) So, that was the baseline to the story where the kid( I can't remember his name) threw up in the cafeteria and it was like a nightmare of Italian ravioli that would not stop coming until she thought she would scream until they took her to the dreaded mental institution.

    That summer, she added another phobia, being stung by bees. One of her teachers could never open the window because bees might come in and that would be it. That summer, she stepped on a bee and went to the camp's infirmary: a little girl who would not take off her navy,blue wool blazer in the summer heat and was shaking from fear of dying.



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  15. That summer she saw what a man's penis looked like by finding a hole in the camp showers, from the girls side to the boys. Several girls found the hole and each day, they stared, transfigured.

    That summer, her family had a maid who was promiscuous and told her the facts of life, horror style. She told her mother that the girl was scaring her, but her mother said she made it up. So the girl spent the days, walking to the candy store with her and telling her what boys did to you.

    That summer, on the bus ride home from camp, Ryan Boxer, a semi retarded kid with spurts of black facial hair that looked like weeds on an unkempt lawn, sat next to her. He looked at her in that icky way that made her want to throw up like the kid with the ravioli, but she was terrified that everyone would see her guts and hate her, like they hated the kids in elementary school. She had her guts lined up perfectly, like a row of bricks, cemented just right, so no such thing would ever happen.

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  16. In middle school I was very concerned that the model of the atom we learned in science class is wrong: my dad had earlier explained to me that there aren't actually any electrons spinning around the nucleus, but rather some complicated quantum clouds. I thought that the teachers are lying to us and stopped believing a word they said in that class.

    Later I realized that you can't (at least using current theories) think of an electron 'correctly' without first going through the incorrect 'middle-school' picture and refining it.

    The same thing is true of sports. When you learn tennis your coach will teach you to make exaggerated motions, with often incorrect explanations for why they're important. But this gives muscle memory that helps you play better when you become more serious about the game. (Disclaimer: I'm terrible at tennis. But I know some physics).

    Everything we learn we first learn in exaggerated, incorrect ways and then refine, whether this happens early or late in life. Whether or not you choose to learn something should not depend on whether you believe the 'kiddy explanation' (it's always dumb and embarrassing -- this is why I don't like learning new sports), but on whether you think the end result (or how far you can get given your aptitude) is worth it.

    Brains are different, but have lots of plasticity. Blind people can learn to 'see' with their tongues (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=device-lets-blind-see-with-tongues), and there are dozens of stories of people who are mathematically 'retarded' learning a new way to think about math and becoming reasonably good at it.

    Most people only need empathy in moderate amounts, like knowing science 'for culture', and so finding a new pathway for it could be a good alternative (and I'm sure it's done subconsciously by 'genotypically but not phenotypically sociopathic' children). I'm not calling on you to be the Helen Keller of sociopathy, and don't know if these moments of 'trick empathy' can be counted as learning something or not. Maybe you can teach yourself empathy in some other, non-orthodox way (or have already?) But if you think it's worth it, you know, maybe you don't have to give up so easily.

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  17. M.E., I really enjoyed this post and found it hopeful. I think you may be changing. Perhaps your love for your nieces and nephews is awakening more empathy in you. I do think as parents we get a chance to heal our childhood wounds by giving to our children what we did not receive as children. I also think that this website, whether you intended to or not is doing an important public service and humanizing sociopaths. I am a psychiatrist and reading it is enriching my knowledge of human nature and the differences that exist in the human psyche. Thank you for your important work and thank you to the commenters who also are enriching my knowledge.

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  18. 'After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS'

    ReplyDelete

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