Wednesday, November 5, 2008

In love with a sociopath

People got problems. I understand. One such problem is loving a sociopath or narcissist. It's a tough job, sure. But is this a problem without answers? Or a problem whose answers you don't like? Here's the following problem from one such person:
I have seen your blog. I am not sure if you can help, however here goes... I have a "friend" that I was very involved with. Much of what he did did not match what he said..but he (when pushed) would open up and show me things to show me he was sincere. he said things like "I love you but not the way you need to be loved" he would tell me he wanted me in his life, then ignore me... I would get angry and we fought, all the time.. it was a pattern I didn't like... He was very bad in business, lied all the time, had and has such potential, but does everything to ruin what he has. He cheats people and doesn't see it that way. He cheats on his wife (second one) and on his lovers as well. Omits truths and gets angry and shuts down when confronted. Always runs to different places, keeps his business as a means to escape reality, never lives in one place. I have told him I believe he is a sociopath, it expalns much of what I have seen and know of him and his backround... he says he know he has problems, but wont accept that is what it is. he said he wanted my help, then stopped talking to me, says he is too busy and will call, then doesn't. This of course starts a fight...only on my side because he does not respond at this point, but still wont say he wants me out of his life... I told him that is all it takes for me to go.

I don't know what to do, he is hurting people, owes money all over. I believe he is trying to dupe women because he needs money, his wife is ill, he says she is divorcing him, but I dont believe him, and I am not sure if he is damaging her more. I dont know how to reach out to him to get him to at least be open to this and try to straighten out his life... it is late, he is already almost 60. I know it is very difficult to change, but I think he may want to because he wont tell me to go away.
Let's first talk about the wisdom of getting involved with a sociopath, and then we can talk about specific ways you can handle a sociopath in some other post.

Loving a sociopath can be great. I know all sorts of people in relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, and they seem happy:
I believe in the possibility of loving narcissists if one accepts them unconditionally, in a disillusioned and expectation-free manner. Narcissists are narcissists. This is what they are. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realization that they fell in love with an ideal of their own invention, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This "waking up" is traumatic. The narcissist is forever the same. It is the victim who changes.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 1 Listowner: Dr. Sam Vaknin. See also.

This makes a lot of sense, right? You order a vanilla milkshake, get a vanilla milkshake, everyone's happy. You order a vanilla milkshake, get a chocolate milkshake, start complaining to the server that she screwed up your order, no one's happy. This happens all the time when people get exactly what they asked for without realizing what it was wanted. So the first step to assessing the "problem" of being in love with a sociopath/narcissist is taking a hard look at yourself and figuring out whether you "asked for it." If that is the case, the "problem" is not with the sociopath/narcissist -- it's with you.


  1. As an ostenisbly "sociopath" myself, I really don't find it necessary to lie or cheat or be dishonest with people in any way.
    The main dishonesty in society comes from "empaths" lying to themselves, failing to see things as they really are.
    Hence, they don't get what they consciously expect.

    1. If you're actually "an ostenisbly "sociopath" [sic] yourself, you do lie and cheat, and don't even see it as lying or cheating. Your construction of reality is warped to fit a world in which everything you do is right and just.

  2. this happens all the time with people getting exactly what they are asking for without realizing that was what they had asked for. so first step to assessing the "problem" of being in love with a sociopath/narcissist is taking a hard look at yourself and figuring out whether you "asked for it."

    I honestly believe that most people who voluntarily submit themselves to our will truly have a subconscious masochistic impulse and want to be used and abused as our victims.

    For me at least, the initial seduction is only the first part of the process. I assume anyone can be seduced (though not necessarily by me personally), but once I move beyond the initial seduction and make it clear that my desires and intentions are not in any way in their best interest, the decision to stay is basically giving me permission to use them as I see fit.

    To me, the whole conquest and feast is based upon their willing consent to being my victim. This is why I have no interest in, or fantasies related to, rape or murder as these are just expressions of brute force and there is no choice or willingness involved at all. No, for me the whole thing ties into the power stemming from otherwise smart, resourceful people deciding of their own volition to submit themselves to my desires. More than just acquiescence, I look for an active participation - even enthusiasm - for submitting to my whims.

    I honestly believe most of the people that choose to stay, even after it is patently obvious that I intend to mold them into playthings, do so because they want it to be so. This is especially true for people with a lot of guilt about whatever as I offer them a means of penitence or people with a low assessment of their own value as I allow them to lay aside the shame of being a masochistic slave and let them wallow in what they feel they deserve. There are also those who believe if they submit well enough that they'll be able to win my love and turn me into something I am not (the whole 'topping from the bottom' idea).

    Regardless of the motivations involved, I believe that most victims really want to be so, at least for a little while. Since I have no inhibitions about reducing them further and further, they all eventually snap back to reality and leave or just shut down completely. The game is to see how far they are willing to go before they reach bottom.

    1. I agree....bottom feeder scum

    2. I think you are full of sh*t Dionysus. That's your stupid ego talking. You want to excuse your own guilt by claiming those you abuse like it. Instead of waiting until you think the person is attached to you, why not tell them before they are attached to you. You are simply a disgusting creep who is so shallow, you aren't of real interest to anyone so you try real hard to be interesting. You are just an ordinary, common variety creep of no real substance.

    3. Don't be silly... he has no guilt. He's just a shell.

  3. "There are also those who believe if they submit well enough that they'll be able to win my love and turn me into something I am not (the whole 'topping from the bottom idea). . . .
    "The game is to see how far they are willing to go before they reach bottom."

    What if the victim never reaches bottom? What if he/she keeps making the game interesting, by tempering the ease of victimization with new challenges?

  4. I'm in love with a sociopath. Shes been diagnosed and everything its official. It's very hard to deal with expecially because its currently a long distance relashionship because im at school. When things are good they're great, but latetly she's been lying all the time, and ignores me often. It's hard not to fight with her about this but it seems that only makes it worse. Honestly i dont know what to do because i do love her and i knew she was like this from the beggining. I want to know how i can keep her, but still keep from getting hurt.

  5. The question is one and only. Should a "normal" person give it a try with a sociopath?

  6. Anonymous Dec 12,2013. I think every intelligent person should know one sociopath and get it over with early in life. And then it will form a good reference point to show you all that you don't want in your life. Actually, a sociopath isn't nearly as interesting as he or she thinks he or she is. They are limited in their understanding of relationships so there's not a lot to be learned from them. So after knowing one very early and seeing how severely limited they are, it is easier to avoid wasting time on them in the future. There's nothing wrong with evaluating people before you invest emotional attachment on them. A smart person does.

    1. I think every intelligent person should know one psychopath and kill them, stepping over their body and into the rest of their life :)

  7. But no one answered what happens when a the person who loves a sociopath doesn't hit rock-bottom. What then? They don't want to leave and they love the sociopath despite what they do. There is no rock bottom for them. What is the sociopath's behaviour then?


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