Friday, June 12, 2009

Who do you love?

Question from a reader, my answers are in bold:
I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because after many lies I became suspicious and logged on to a few of his accounts and found out that he had also been cheating. This man told me he loved me within 3-4 weeks of meeting me. Has constantly told me how beautiful and sexy I was. Had a sex drive that was incredible. We could have sex several times a day and he would still masturbate. He could have orgasms one after the other up to 4 in a row. During all of this he was seeing another woman who he had started an affair with prior to me once a week at lunch. He wanted me to have his baby, wanted to move in with me. Said I could stay home with the child and not work. Everythink that I wanted he swore he wanted too. A little farm in the country, yes, organic food, yes. He knew my ex had pushed me to have an abortion so he was going to have his vasectomy reversed so that we could have a child together. This is a classic example of how sociopaths are so inherently flexible. They have the ability to become whatever they want. Whatever you want, if you strike their fancy. I mean, really, what are the chances of this man wanting a farm in the country, organic food, etc.? Clearly a sociopath.

All of this while lying constantly, texting other women on a regular basis, having a long term affair with another. He is a heavy pot smoker, heavy drinker. He believes he is very intelligent. The things that make me question whether he was a sociopath are that he was in the navy for 8 years. The military would be a good "legitimate" outlet for his destructive, thrill-seeking ways, and power-seeking behavior. He probably didn't mind taking orders from one person as long as he knew he could lord it over another larger group.
Married for 10 but she left him because of his constant lying, pot addiction and bursts of anger. She said it was like dealing with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He has a great job now that he has had for several years and seems to be fairly conscientious about it. He screws off a lot but he has a lot of responsiblity and seems to take it seriously when necessary. Yeah, high-functioning sociopaths do this. They have a concept of not defecating where they eat. They will keep certain things stable in their life and find outlets for their deviant behavior in ways that are less likely to backfire on them.
After breaking up with him he denied for several days even though I had written proof and then went from being angry and mean to begging me to give him another chance from one hour to the next. He swears that his D day for being the man that I deserved was when he was moving in (just a few after I caught him) but I assume it is all just more lies. I mean, what is a lie really? Sounds like he wants you in his life, just maybe not on terms that you would prefer. What do you want to hear from him? That he is dedicated to you in his way? Sounds like he is. That he can be dedicated to you in a way that normal people can? Sounds like he can't. What role does honesty have when you are asking him to be someone he is not or else you will take away something very valuable to him. Wouldn't we all "lie" to prevent that from happening? Even if just to ourselves? Did you ever lie to yourself in the relationship?

Does that sound like a Sociopath or is there something closely related that has more bearing? Sociopath, although you have given me just a handful of choice facts. Who knows what is really going on in his mind.

It really shouldn't matter but for some stupid reason if it is based on an actual condition maybe I don't have to feel like such an idiot for buying into what he was selling. Were you an idiot? Am I an idiot if I watch an inane blockbuster movie and get a few laughs? Maybe you were just enjoying yourself. At least the sex, right?

He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and swore I made him a better man but his actions were so the opposite. See, why would you go questioning the fact that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Can't he think that and behave as he did? If he is a sociopath he can. Is his behavior really so inconsistent? I mean, polyamory is not for everyone, but it's not so out there. I'm just saying, does it matter more to you how he feels about you and how he treats you? Or what he does when you are not around? Does he have to be his "real" self all the time? And if he was, would you even like him still?

I am self diagnosing him but I thought I would look for a little feedback.



  1. Wow i thinks you may as well FORGET about him!! I bet the sex was GREAT though!!! mmmm I ber thjere were no complaints there!! Im just on my way out to get blind drunk so il read the post properly later...toodle pip!!

  2. ok imbackand its after 1am here in england, anyway ignore my advice becsue im toatlly pissed but here gors anyway. forget EVERYTHING he had ever told you, don't even think about it becayse it was ALL bullshit. but i guess you alreadu know this so ignore me...goodnoight im sooo horny.

  3. Whoever said drunk posting was bad is absolutely wrong.

  4. That reads like those sociopath support forums. "My boyfriend is really mean, bla, bla and I'm really needy and maniuplative. Why is this all going SO WRONG??!!! I THINK IT MIGHT BE ALL HIS FAULT!! PLEASE VALIDATE!!" *Barf*

  5. Buttsex, that is why I love. Buttsex.

  6. Ew!!! anonymous reveal yourself lmao!!! Is it the giving or the recieving you "love"???. I think between the two of us we have dragged this particular post into the gutter!! Sorry folks lol....(im sober tonight by the way)

  7. Tink, get drunk again and let's see what happens.


  8. Life' next big drunken night of debauchery is the 10th of July so il be sure to post some more of my shit useless advice...

  9. So I am looking for your opinion again... It has been a couple of weeks since I posted the original question to you. He has been non-stop in begging me to take him back under any conditions. Stop smoking pot, stop drinking, no more lies, etc. Classic behavior to wrap me back in. Admitting to how stupid he was, swearing he just went off the deep end when his wife left him 2 years ago and suddenly these girls (many) were interested in him and he was living the "guy" dream. Used the same flattery on all of them. When we got together he was in the relationship with the married woman, telling her how much he loved her. Swears it was all pillow talk, swears he only wants me. Told him he lies, I don't believe anything, I don't trust him and that I think he is a sociopath. He swears he feels things, swears he feels horribly guilty, hates what he did to me, blah, blah, blah. He's been back on looking for his next target. Told him the only way I will even consider allowing him in my life is to go to a psychologist and be tested for APD with me giving the psychologist all of his history. He swears he is going to do it, is off and basically saying he is not going to screw this up. So.... Is this typical? I hear so much about how people with APD won't accept any responsibility, etc. so I don't know what to think of this. He may not go through with it and that will be the answer to my question. I told him I have no restrictions, I owe him nothing, I can date, etc. but if he has any contact whatsoever with other women I am completely out until the stuff with the psychiatrist is resolved. What do you think? 99% of me wants to just have him disappear but it is very hard when someone is so adamant that they want you in your life and that they love you so much and want nothing more than to be the man you deserve and make you happy. Don't you get sick of us over emotional people?? lol

  10. Are you sure you aren't my girlfriend, Anon?

  11. Why would you want to break up with him? Don't you feel somehow magnetically drawn to him? If you're dating a sociopath, love him for what he is. I'm a Borderline PD so I suppose for me that's what I like. All that tension and drama.
    Stop beating yourself up about this. Go back, or don't talk to him. Leave it there.

    1. A fellow psychonaut who is BPD seeking APD?

      God, if only I weren't 3 years too late...


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