Sunday, June 7, 2009

Am I a sociopath? (part 4)

Our questioning reader writes again:
I'm sorry for emailing you so much, but I've never had the opportunity to speak with someone about these things without the fear of being judged. It's been eating at me for about 5 years, ever since I started realizing that there was something wrong with my emotional and moral circuitry. It's been extremely confusing for me, and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I'm sure it must sound quite crazy.

After reading information at WrongPlanet and on your Site... though I have many of the symptoms of Aspergers, I find myself identifying more readily with things I've read here.

There's a side of me that I've struggled to repress ever since I became aware of it. When I was younger, I used to take pleasure in causing pain to people who I felt had wronged me. Even offending my ego was enough to set me off. I won't get into the things I did, because that's really not important, but what is important was the general lack of remorse I felt. It was always their fault. Their deserved what happened to them. They should have expected it. That kind of thinking.

But I did feel emotions. I just felt whatever emotions I needed to feel at the time. If I needed someone to feel sorry for me, I'd get very sad and start crying. If I needed someone to take my side in something, I'd feel victimized. The feelings were very shallow, but they were there none-the-less.

I don't feel that any more. Ever since I became aware of it, I haven't been able to allow myself to feel much of anything. I suffer terrible social anxiety now, and I never used to. I feel like I have to watch everything I say or do, and it's debilitating. The worst part is I can see how easy it would be to fit in if I could just bring myself to actively put on a show instead of relying on passive defense techniques... but I just can't do it. I'm afraid that I'll lose a part of myself that I won't be able to get back. I'm afraid of being hollow.

I want so badly for this quest to understand myself to stop. To end. Without worrying that I'll completely lose myself. I look in the mirror, and I see someone who is capable of anything.

It's so confusing, and it leads me in so many different directions. It's inconsistent. It makes me feel insane, but only when I'm thinking about myself. I just don't understand why I can't understand my own identity.

Constantly watching myself is debilitating. It's making life very tough. Keeping myself honest is very tough. My natural inclination in any situation is just to say whatever I need to say, but I struggle to speak with absolute honesty. I struggle not to magically become whatever a person needs me to become just to get close to them. When I'm around other people, I almost can't function, because so much of my focus is spent gauging my reactions and scrutinizing my thoughts. Am I being honest? Should I really say this? I usually wind up at a loss for words, or being brutally honest about everything... which makes it hard to have a sense of humor until I can "figure out" someone else's sense of humor.

Again, I apologize for all of this. I'm just hoping you can help me to understand myself, or give me some advice. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that something most definitely is, and I'm afraid to settle on anything--especially sociopathy.

13 comments:

  1. (George Cromwell III)

    Borderline. Check. Depressed. Check. PTSD. Check. Autism, no. Sociopathy, no.

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  2. Really? PTSD? I can just relate to what was posted. 'Course there are differences; social domination, lust for carnage was missing, but yeah basicly me *Laughs*

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  3. I'm starting to wonder about your genuity. You say you lie constantly. Are you sending us all on a goose chase by lying now? You said you'd doubted you'd tell the truth to a psychiatrist. How old are you? If you're under 25, you are still learning and all these questions will find you where you need to be. If not, you just have no self. Grow, and learn, and remember the main thing is to embrace. I understand how these thingsa help, though. I didn't know I was a sociopath until a sociopath told me, and from there I embraced. I learned from a powerful person that being a sociopath puts you on plane with the powerful; people. Branch out and meet some. they'll help you most.

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  4. are guys really sociopaths?

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  5. If anything, I'd say this reminds me of borderline personality disorder. I've just never heard of someone with borderline being able to collect their thoughts this well.

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  6. I, too, wonder if this poster is pulling the wool over our eyes. Doubt that a gen-u-ine S/P would be this introspective, and would not give a rats axx about analyzing themselves. These are just my thoughts..

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  7. Well as a sociopath I think I am, I never felt emotions in that way. I have acted them out as if I felt them but I wouldn't say I felt even an echo. That is not say I don't feel at all. I feel content, satisfaction, annoyance and irritation, sometimes I feel discomfort when I am about to get caught at something. But lately all I feel is annoyance at people who think they know what it's like to be a sociopath and that judge us

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  8. i have to agree with the post above i see signs of myself but in the main post but its not as dark as me i would say trying to pull the wool over someone’s eyes it could be i would ask how long have you been wondering cause if its any long amount of time i would say probably but if its been a short time it can be confusing and irritating to not know who you are but when i was wondering if i was a Sociopath it only took me a short time to realize it thanks to M.E.'s book and site i realized it very quickly because when i was wondering i wrote things about my life in order and then i analyse them and i realized them i could see signs of me from M.E. and people from this site in me

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  11. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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