Sunday, June 14, 2009

Update: Am I a Sociopath?

From our questioning reader (or reader in question):
I must admit, this week has been rather amazing so far. I haven't had much trouble with anxiety. My job hasn't stressed me. I feel just fine not caring, and it's amazing how naturally responses to tough questions come to me if I'm not putting specific effort into being honest. Even talking to women has been strangely easier. Almost too easy. I'm used to women staying away from me as if they get "bad vibes," but now I'm being told that I'm easy to open up to. One woman told me she felt like she could tell me anything, because I was so "honest." I definitely need more practice before I can get to the level where I want to be, but I can see it happening.

I'm not sure why or how, but I've started to think of life more like a game again. It's not a change I consciously strove for, and it's very subtle. But it's a pleasant change from the anxieties I've been facing. While I found myself laughing and joking around today, I stopped to think if I was actually happy or amused. Honestly, I didn't feel any different from when I was sitting in front of my computer coding. I was just joking with my boss to avoid concentrating on work, and it came so naturally. That's one thing I've always done, but I never really stopped to think about the smile and the laugh. They're not real. The jokes aren't real. They're just there to make HIM laugh. Even while I was realizing this, I just kept right on doing it.

It reminds me of when I was younger... sometimes, while I was crying, if I was alone, I would go look in the mirror and smile. I genuinely felt sad, but something made me want to see if I could smile. And I could... and then pick right back up crying again. After that, I had quite a preoccupation with making myself exhibit inappropriate emotions in private. Looking back, it makes me wonder if I was ever sad at all. Such a curiosity doesn't strike me as something a sad person would embrace in the midst of an emotional storm. Trying to figure out how much of what I think I felt was real, and how much was either extremely shallow or manufactured subconsciously, has been very confusing.

In my early to mid teens, this fascination took on a stranger twist. It's something I've actually never mentioned to anyone, because I can't imagine how anyone could understand it, considering my image as a kind, considerate, and highly intelligent person. When I was alone, if I had nothing to do, I would degrade into an almost feral state. I'd run and leap around the house, sometimes on all fours, growling, roaring, and making terrible and strange faces after leaping in front of a mirror, staring myself in the eye. I could never imagine myself even imitating this behavior in front of another human being. As soon as I sensed the presence of another person, my demeanor would immediately change. I've never been able to make sense of it. It stopped after I started the drugs. Bizarre, don't you think?

That's my update so far. We'll see how things play out.

22 comments:

  1. Women are hilarious. When you are conflicted they want nothing to do with you. When you are comfortable being a "monster" they love you. I find myself at times exhibiting that primal mentality. Not jumping around on all fours mind you, just feeling what almost seems like a push in my mind where I want to bare my teeth and I feel my eyes bug out. Odd to have someone else describe something similar. I still laugh at things and find them funny, but I don't really feel any different when I laugh or immediately after.

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  2. I'd say the oddest thing I've done is that I have a habit of sitting in a chair in the bathroom running hot water on bars of soap, just to watch the bars melt away.

    I don't know why, but I could just sit hours and hours there just watching the hot water melt them away.

    It wasn't boring nor exciting, it just was.

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  3. I wrap playdough around my erect penis and make a dinosaur out of it.

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  4. Fucking hell anonymous that was funny!!

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  5. You men are CRAZY!!! lmao i just read the post!!! All i do is have rather interesting conversations with myself!! but everybody does that....

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  6. Heh... I remember once, when I got a particularly bad bloody nose, I filled the tub with hot water, hopped in, and just let the blood flow into the water. Whenever the bloody nose would start to dry up, I'd get pretty rough with it to keep it flowing, until a while after the water was all red.

    I think I just wanted to see what it would be like. I don't know how I expected bathing in my own blood to feel, but I remember it being pretty disappointing.

    Weird stuff.

    (riq)

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  7. Anonymous: "I wrap playdough around my erect penis and make a dinosaur out of it."

    LOL!!! Nice.

    Tink said: "You men are CRAZY!!! lmao i just read the post!!! All i do is have rather interesting conversations with myself!! but everybody does that...."

    Same here. I've got a slightly unusual but harmless fetish, but other than that, the "weirdest" thing I do is have extensive conversations with myself out loud. (And yes, I respond to myself.) I live alone so it’s no problem and I’m hardly ever lonely! As Sartre said, “If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.”

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  8. M.E., can we have a list of sociopathy links you have found enlightening?

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  9. Hey Daniel...come on spit it out...whats this "slightly unusual but harmless fetish????? Im so nosy, i need to know!

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  10. Tink:

    A gentleman never kisses and tells! Now what that has to do with me, I have no idea! ;)

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  11. Oh....pleeeeease Daniel!!, you might just give me a few idea's to spice up my non existant sex life...hang on a second???...are you the anon poster who wraps playdough around his erect penis to make a dinosaur! I knew it!! lmao....

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  12. Tink wrote: "are you the anon poster who wraps playdough around his erect penis to make a dinosaur! I knew it!!"

    Damn! Busted!!! You see right thru me...

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  13. i thoroughly enjoy making silly faces in the mirror, but more than that I like talking out loud and saying strings of nonsense. I'll just put a string of random nouns together, and try and be as random and weird as possible, interrupting myself with bizarre noises and burps and wheezes and flapping my tongue around. Dr. Seuss pickle flamboyant robot whistlers. Like that. i get such a kick out of it, but i've only ever done it in front of family members and not in a long time.

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  14. What kind of dinosaur?

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  15. THis was nice to read. It reminded me of when I used to practice emotions when I was little. What each looked like and what kind of inflections you had to put in an emotion so it looked genuine. I mean, to look happy, you can't just put on a smile. It comes with a thought connected to your face. And you have to include that to make the face look right. Like when you lie, you have to tell yourself you believe it. I remember these discoveries, and these thoughts, and the reminder was a fun reminescence.

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    Replies
    1. I do the stuff with the lies all the time. I fabricate some story and even believe it a little, enough to let it look real.
      Didnt really notice upto now.
      Cheers for the new insigth

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  16. Would you please change the background to white, and the font to a lavender Arial? I'm having to copy and paste everything into MS word so my eyeballs don't melt into my brain.

    Thank you,

    Dr Whom

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  17. If this person is a Sociopath, then I'm a Sociopath too (and I'm not)!

    I just can't see his description as being one of a Sociopath. It doesn't matter in this regard that he may think he is a sociopath - we can all misinterpret things about ourselves - though it may suggest he has an Antisocial Personality (which is not the same thing per se as being a Sociopath).

    I also understand why he thought he might have Asperger's, and maybe this is closer to the truth.

    Since when do Sociopaths suffer from Anxiety??
    Since when do Sociopaths have years with women getting "bad vibes" from them??

    Something doesn't quite add up here.

    ME,
    I've read some of your articles and I know your theories about Sociopathy and Autism being possibly related. I myself have no theory in this regard at this point, but the idea is interesting and I haven't dismissed it.

    Still, I am more inclined to believe there may be an overlapping of certain traits, not only between Autism and Sociopathy, but possibly between several conditions or of all kinds of conditions, "normalcy" included.

    Overlapping of Asperger's and a slightly overall Antisocial Personality (not necessarily a Disordered such) seems likely to be the case with the person you've interviewed for this article.

    Well, that's my opinion of the matter!... '^L^,

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  18. I used to do that thing that was mentioned, quote "turning feral when no one was around" when I was 11 or 12 something like that.
    and it was fun.

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  19. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

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