Monday, April 27, 2015

Sexual intimacy issues

From a reader:

I would like to know if any of your readers or yourself have ever come across an issue like the one I am having. I am a 34 year old female sociopath. I know I'm good looking and I know I can get just about anyone I want in to bed with me. That's never been an issue. I am also gay and sadomasochist. I have been in several relationships over the years but I have never been faithful in any of them. I have a high sex drive and that is one of the reasons I have always cheated on my partners. I have never felt bad about it either. I am now in a new relationship and from the start I told her I was a sociopath. It felt good to tell her, and she didn't run screaming from me. All she asks is that I keep my navigation on at all times. I can understand that since I did divulge all my past indiscretions to her from the get go. Here's the thing, I believe I actually do love her. That scares the shit out of me. I know how I am and I do not want to hurt her. I am also nervous when it comes to having sex with her. I freeze up. That has never happened to me before and it pisses me off. I let her in and told her things about myself and my past that 99% of the population would lock me away for. I know what kind of person I am and I am well aware of the bad things I have done in the past. I also know what I am capable of doing in the future. She knows this too now. Emotions are not my strong suit. I can pull anything off, aside from crying. I do not know if I am having these intimacy issues with her because I let her in. Whenever I "feel" things I can't explain or figure out I tend to bury it and run away. What are your thoughts on all of this?


  1. Youre not a sociopath. Allow this woman to heal you.

  2. Sounds like your subconscious is trying to catch your attention.

    Could be fear of actually feeling something fully (fear of the unknown) or fear of the new partner (something about her is alerting your survival sense). Either way, burying the feeling is unlikely to be helpful to you - take a good look at your partner and at yourself, figure out which is causing the reaction, and decide what you want to do about it.

    Sorry if the above sounds vague: I'm trying to be completely neutral so that I don't 'lead' your investigation :)

  3. You are afraid to "trust," and be vulnerable with this woman. (Give up control.)
    It would be a "death" to the ego, or doing a high wire act without a net.
    Do it anyway. There's ALWAYS a replacement.

  4. What does "keep my navigation on at all times" mean?

    1. I was wondering the same question, maybe it's an idiom and she's from South Africa or New Zealand... someone please explain...

  5. Beautiful. I love it, when I get a quick reaction like this. Mr. Ron Culberson / HLH the great narc of this site, I like what you wrote, bro! Sonja is on her way…

  6. I think you should stop worrying. I am not sure what your intimacy issues are about, but feeling things and explaining them sounds like a bad idea. Maybe it's best not to feel things.

  7. Yeah, this is common in Narcissists and Sociopaths. I haven't found a solution yet myself and I'm in my 30s. People who say, "just let go" don't actually have to deal with this, and the defenses that are in place preventing that from happening. Your Ego is protecting itself from being obliterated and like anything that is fighting to survive it will pull out all the stops.

  8. LOL@ the freezing up because you told her stuff. Actual intimacy and talking about our feelings- which the majority of people seem to loooove doing- is something we tend to avoid like the plague. We are aware of our deficiencies in this regard. I also dismiss my feelings, and invariably steer conversations towards the *other* person's feelings when this type of conversation comes up.

    You're probably freezing up because you actually care what she thinks. You dislike being vulnerable because it represents a loss of control.

    I want to explore this a little bit more later. Haller said something which caused me to want to expand on this topic when I have a bit more time.

    But for now it's back to work. Crunch time is coming up, again. :P

  9. I kind of get what you're saying.

    I've fallen for people who are just really comfortable in who they are and unafraid. Being with someone like this doesn't require any of the usual mind games. For me this has meant that suddenly I feel like I no longer know how to play the game, not sure how to control the situation, I feel terrible at expressing any feelings ands super weird about intimacy BUT also aroused and stimulated in a way. Perhaps this is what you thought was impossible and suddenly it seems like a possibility, you just don't know what to do with it.

    I've had one relationship like this and it took a long time for me to trust this person but it did happen. Everything was amazing for a while and this person was just really confident and great... until he wasn't. Because if your person is NOT a sociopath she will at some point show vulnerability, fear and strong emotions and if you ARE a sociopath those will annoy the shit out of you. And even if you say now that you feel love, I can almost guarantee that the feeling will not last and then you no longer give a shit what happens to her.

    That's what happened to me anyway.

    Despite what I just wrote I wish you the best of luck and enjoy it now because this "fear" is a great and stimulating way to feel and I'm sure that deep down you kinda like it.

    1. Lola,

      I hope the OP does not take your comment as advice, because it is blatantly counterproductive.

      “Everything was amazing for a while and this person was just really confident and great... until he wasn't.”

      In looking at the other side of the equation, was this, perhaps, due to your own actions or lack thereof? In other words, the person could have remained confident, but your behavior was counterproductive and stagnant, which, in turn, appeared to be artificial/fictitious (this sort of behavior is commonplace). You’ve said so yourself: “Perhaps this is what you thought was impossible and suddenly it seems like a possibility, you just don't know what to do with it.”

      “Because if your person is NOT a sociopath she will at some point show vulnerability, fear and strong emotions and if you ARE a sociopath those will annoy the shit out of you. And even if you say now that you feel love, I can almost guarantee that the feeling will not last and then you no longer give a shit what happens to her. That's what happened to me anyway.”

      Based on what I know, and I possess a great deal of knowledge on the subject, you are describing a low-functioning sociopath. It would be quite different for a high-functioning sociopath who possesses greater insight, passion and vitality. Consequently, your “guarantee” should bear no value or substance to the OP.

      “I kind of get what you're saying.”

      Then don’t speak about such guarantees.

    2. Just shut up, Teo Tryhard. You aren't in a position to be telling anyone what and what not to speak of. You don't know your ass from your elbow on the subject of sociopathy. The only consistent thing about your crackpot analyses is that they are consistently wrong.

      OP, Teo is a narcissist who comes here to "enlighten" sociopaths on everything from aggression to "true love". As a flaming narc, she is a self-professed expert on every subject, and if you dare contradict her, she'll lecture you indignantly for *days*. When you break down her ego, she'll treat you to lengthy essays on how wonderful, confident, unique, and detached she is- and attack you with anonymouse comments to preserve what she considers to be her dignity and impeccable image. She will lecture you for using foul language, but swear like a sailor from the vantage point of her alteregos- all the while hypocritically advising others to be their WHOLE selves. Instead of seeing this for the cowardly hypocritical behavior it is, she calls it being "experimental". :P

      She will do her best to showcase her knowledge with big words, but her vapid prose is entirely lacking in substance. She's all hollow talk. It is generally best to ignore everything she says. She is transparent to everyone here, except herself.

    3. @Teo: Since the next post is about Irish Sociopaths - how about a hat tip to the past:

      "Shut up cunt!"

  10. Teo, of course! You're right. I cannot guarantee that because there is the possibility that this lady will continue feeling the love forever and ever. My mistake, sorry about that.

    Not sure if this is a question but here we go:

    "In looking at the other side of the equation, was this, perhaps, due to your own actions or lack thereof? In other words, the person could have remained confident, but your behavior was counterproductive and stagnant, which, in turn, appeared to be artificial/fictitious (this sort of behavior is commonplace)."

    Probably yes. I just get irritated by the slightest amount of insecurity in my partners (or people in general) – I just cannot tolerate it at all. My reaction is to show passive aggressive (or just aggressive if I'm drunk, although I no longer drink) despise. Anyhow it seems like a lose-lose situation; as the other person loses their dignity (or mind or confidence or whatever they feel like losing – I don't know) I lose my will to be with them – just like that.

    1. Lola,

      "Teo, of course! You're right. I cannot guarantee that because there is the possibility that this lady will continue feeling the love forever and ever. My mistake, sorry about that."

      Your acknowledgement of a possibility, and admission of error make sense to me.

      "Anyhow it seems like a lose-lose situation; as the other person loses their dignity...I lose my will to be with them – just like that."

      Although it really matters what you mean by dignity as opposed to a feeling of nonsensical or false pride, I feel the same way.

    2. Teo, didn't think I would have to explain myself but I was being sarcastic.

    3. @Uptight Teo... So when can we expect you to start acknowledging all of *your* errors, instead of pointing your finger at everyone else's, hmmm?

  11. this is another sociopth wih intimacy issues. i don't believe the explanations given above, nor do I think they have any particular therapeutic/useful value.

    i would guess that when you get intimate, there are certain cues that trigger certain thoughts and feelings (fear or sadness). if you don't deal with them wih careful attention they can lead to you having strong impulses to relieve your discomfort in ways that (in retrospect) seem suboptimal.

    eg if you think, "I am not safe" then feel afraid, then pull back from intimacy, you create that habit. the root of the problem is not seeing the thought as what it is - a thought, triggered by some stimuli , not necessarily true or important to act on.

    similarly, if after pulling away you think, "i have pulled away and am fucking things up" and then feel frustrated, angry, disappointed or confused, and then act on it by pulling away, trying harder, etc, you'll build that habit.

    one way to improve things is to stop any drugs or alcohol and start building your ability to pay attention with care and kindness - as a sociopath, I found a lot a lot of low-hanging fruit in this department. you might try getting "Peace of Mind" by Thich Hanh and doing the first few exercises for a few weeks. cultivating joy and relaxation pays off in spades.

    1. This sounds kind of interesting and sort of makes sense in my mind. I believe in habits.

      I'm currently investigating certain aspects of myself and learning to function even better, perhaps you or anyone else have any thoughts regarding my 'issues'?

      One of the biggest one is that I'm constantly fighting with boredom. I regularly get very bored and when that happens I can make some very drastic decisions (like leaving the country, my home, job and everything – although as I try and be a little less extreme because I've learned how hard it can be to always start over). Anyway I'm dealing with this boredom thing right now actually. I'm trying to decide whether surrendering to it and doing something major actually helps or if I can just take it as a challenge and get through it by accepting it. It (boredom) just seems to require so much mental energy that it almost gets physically painful. I feel like an alcoholic needing my bottle – I get the same itch and my boredom needs a relief. Meditation?

      Another one is that I completely lack any capability for long-term commitments. I often forget this and start something only to quit soon after. I've come to a conclusion that it's because I can SEE how certain activities can lead to a certain result – I just can't keep it up (because I get bored, see above LOL). So I'm now trying to concentrate on the short-term benefit of each task. Instead of thinking that if I work out every day for the next two months I'll get super fit and feel amazing I'll focus on how I feel during and after one single workout. That's because I can do almost anything if it only lasts a little while. But it's very hard for me to complete long-term projects.

      Obviously these are not related to the original post but this is what I've been wondering. Does anyone have any thoughts?

    2. I smoke pot and engage in adrenaline heavy sports to relieve boredom. I also write a lot. I work in fanatical spurts when I have the energy and motivation- or after I've procrastinated so long that everything is on the brink of collapse and people are freaking out... and then, all of a sudden, I'm Superwoman- capable of accomplishing important tasks, really well, in record time. (In case you hadn't guessed yet, I have clinical ADHD, lol) This working style makes the routine oriented people I work with nervous, but I've functioning successful this way for years- and I've managed to grow and not sink the organization I founded.... So far. :)

    3. i replied at 1127 above.

      it sounds like we have certain habits of thinking and feeling in common. i've also been spontaneous/reckless w the career, moving, possessions, relationships. something funny - i am not anguished about the harm i have caused but rather how suboptimal it has been.

      you seem like you want real improvement. my best advice: go to, get a guide and go through the process of identifying what you (as in "I") are. Once you know what you are, it is all a lot easier. but if you do that, go all the way. partway is bullshit. fearful people give up and don't benefit.

      as for meditation, the practice i do is avoiding acting on impulses. you learn that impupses come and go. and paying 100% attention to what I'm doing. we are all just one thought away from being happy or sad. you ought to get this as a sociopath.

      reading your reply above, i can't help but notice that you doubt whether or not you are ok. i would ask what is this "you" that is broken? what is "ok", how would you be ok and how would you know it?

      haven't you as a sociopath noticed that most people are obsessed with stupid problems that are just products of their thinking? As a sociopath my habit is to crave stimulation, power and control. i am often thinking i should have more. but acting on those cravings makes it worse. normal people are like that, but with feelings or family or country. same sort of pattern.

    4. Hello Lola!

      Boredom sucks. The greatest respite I've found from it is in conversation with people who are interesting. Also, if you fancy yourself a sociopath (or sociopath-lite), then it's nice to talk with people who are intelligent yet largely unhindered by moral boundaries. I've spoken with a number of interesting people here, but in all honesty you can find them anywhere.

      It's interesting to know and be known, to understand and be understood. Whenever I get too bored I seek out some new person receptive to this kind of desire. It's led to in-person meetings, more often than not. However, that level of intellectual intimacy can make people vulnerable, and opening yourself to emotional intimacy could lead to rejection. Altogether, I take it as a valuable experience, however it turns out.

      Boredom drives me here, usually, but that's not meant as an insult to this place. It's just that this is where interesting people may be found.

    5. Hello!

      I also enjoy smoking pot. Many people say it makes them passive but for me it's a stimulant. The downside is that it often makes me feel really tired the next day so it's not really a sustainable solution.

      I also love sports from martial arts to all sorts – the harder the better. I notice that they help in making me focus and tire my body nicely.

      I especially enjoy conversations with intelligent people – especially people who live on the edge so to say and have chosen an unusual path (artists, business people, clever criminals etc).

      I also vary my work. In theory I would love to build a huge company but I know that I couldn't keep it up so I take on short projects only.

      I do all this but still once in a while I get this chronic boredom that makes me want to quit everything – like literally sell my stuff and move to somewhere far away (and I've done this quite a few times). It's not a problem to do those things but everything becomes boring at some point. And when you've sold all your stuff and have no home, money or anything like that it takes a lot of effort to get things running. So I'm investigating alternatives.

      I could compare this to being tired. Sometimes I don't sleep well and I'm knackered. My first reaction is to drink loads of coffee and try to get my mind and body going but I've come to think that perhaps it's OK to be tired. It's not bad, it's just different. So these days I rather make a cup of tea and take it easy. Tiredness goes away eventually. Maybe boredom is a bit like tiredness. It's annoying but it goes away.

      What I'm trying to get to is trying to figure out what is the optimal way to act. I could imagine just living on the road and living to the fullest without any attachments but I suspect I would get tired of that too. So I'm practicing facing the boredom to see what happens. It's a way to control impulses I guess (and if I look at it this way it can also be seen as a challenge and I like challenges).

      "reading your reply above, i can't help but notice that you doubt whether or not you are ok. i would ask what is this "you" that is broken? what is "ok", how would you be ok and how would you know it?"

      I don't feel broken but since I've realized that I have these sociopathic tendencies it's given me a new perspective to look at things. I guess I'm all about progressing and developing myself as a person. I understand now that my brain is somehow naturally wired to think in certain ways and I'm trying to figure out what is the best way to utilize it. I am completely OK – I see this as an attempt to forever expand my mind by finding new perspectives and adjusting my behavior in order to feel healthy and content and to be free and able to do amazing things.

    6. I tried pot once. It filled me with a kind of giddy clarity, and at the same time made me cold. Not physically, but emotionally and intellectually. I didn't care about anything, and more importantly, I didn't care that I didn't care.

      You don't strike me as crazy. You seem grounded and rational. I've fantasized about uprooting myself and seeing if I could make it somewhere new. Sounds exciting. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I'm incredibly risk-averse. I've been entertaining different methods of 'getting rich', such that I could do whatever I liked on a whim without that pesky risk assessment factoring in. I float ideas around, but what I really need to do is expand my knowledge base. Once I have a mostly-complete model in my head, I'm truly excited to bring it into reality. Right now everything is bits and pieces.

    7. I prefer hash - some would say distinction without a difference and I would have to agree. I still enjoy rolling a good blunt and smoking with a beer after work, but hash is quicker with less lung damage.

      Having said that, I have found that cannabis has helped to stabilize me. I'm less impulsive and more inclined towards "affective" pursuits - like playing with my kids. In many ways it gets me out of my head.

      I smoked pot as a teenager and lost interest. It was migraines that got me smoking again. In combination with a beta blocker - I rarely get them any more.

      Once I started again though, I did find that it helped me to focus and, for lack of a better term, settle down. That feeling of "boredom" doesn't seem to be as big of an issue. I still enjoy novelty, but I think smoking hash has, in some way I still don't understand, made it less of a pressing issue. I can be OK with "the moment."

      I also enjoy sport bikes and surfing and consulting projects that others fear to take. I channel that energy - took me the better part of half a century to figure it out, but that's what works for me.

      I can't do contact sports - I've already had two retinal reattachment surgeries - my doc doesn't even like my current good spill on the bike or a whack from a surfboard...yeah I know.

      I've long like the notion that I want to use this body up for all it's worth (I may have been a bit zealous in that pursuit...). As long as I loose faculties not too quickly and doing things I enjoy...well, I'm OK with that.

      No one gets out alive as they say...

    8. "I'm less impulsive and more inclined towards "affective" pursuits - like playing with my kids. In many ways it gets me out of my head."


      That feeling of "boredom" doesn't seem to be as big of an issue


      I can be OK with "the moment."


      Yes! You have just articulated *exactly* what I love about cannabis. It also makes me less callous, and more playful. It gets me out of my head, and allows me to live "in the moment".

  12. "Because if your person is NOT a sociopath she will at some point show vulnerability, fear and strong emotions and if you ARE a sociopath those will annoy the shit out of you."

    This is very true- unless we are manipulating someone into "opening up" because it suits us, for whatever reason. (While such manipulation may not be entirely altruistic, it I not necessarily malevolent, either.)

    You didn't have to apologize to Teo for not expressing yourself succinctly enough, Lola. You made it very clear in your post that you were only speaking of a "guarantee" in terms of your own personal experience. Teo is just a bit dense.

    Sociopaths are not incapable of feeling love, but our emotions tend to be more shallow and fleeting than those experienced by folks who have a more neurotypical mindset. As such, we may define the term somewhat differently, emphasizing the pragmatic over the affective dimensions of the experience. "Love" becomes an act of will which may be enhanced and punctuated by the affective aspect at times, but which is primarily a choice serving to bond us to the people who are important to us. Sociopaths bond weakly, so it is quite possible that eventually they will lose interest and move on, but this is not by any means always the case. Those of us who are higher functioning are aware of our affective deficiencies, and seek to compensate for them by not allowing our emotions (or lack thereof) at any given time to steer our most important life decisions. This is good advice for anyone, whether they are sociopathic or not. Feelings change, but love is also a choice and a commitment

    1. I think I'm capable of love but I've noticed that what I might love about people is very different to what most people love in a romantic relationship. I love people that are extremely confident, relaxed, playful and intelligent. I really love beauty too (in people and everything).

      Again I can only speak from my own experience but I've had friendships for years and years and I have one friend that I trust completely and can be just who I am without any guards (we even discuss sociopathy a lot although she is not one). She is just a curious person and interested in different thinking processes – very intelligent too. I can imagine being able to be in a long-lasting (or even eternal) relationship with someone with these qualities because when someone is just curious without judging the dance never ends. There is always something new to discover and experience and wonder about.

      Of course I need to first overcome the issues that relate to intimacy LOL.

      OK that was quite a few messages for one day. I've been visiting for a while but never commenting.

    2. Welcome to SW. I hope you keep posting. :)

    3. @Lola: The book, "The Art of Loving" by Eric Fromm (sp?) is, I thought, a nice reflection on what it is to love someone.

      Fromm helped me to think of love as a verb - as in what I do - rather than a feeling that I have. In that way, I saw how I needed to express "love." It was a very helpful way of thinking about it so that I could...pass?

      I've created all sorts of machinations around expressing feelings to lovers - most of it bullshit. And it's not that I wanted to mislead them (well, I did want to get laid...), but most of it was for show. It was a "show of intimacy."

      Some years back, I realized that I would share personal details that others found "deep" but had little meaning to me - other than they seemed to bond to me over it. Cool!

      But, the reality is that I'm sharing things that, while true, have little emotional weight for me. However, the neuro-typical I am talking to seems to feel it for me. That's OK with me...

      However, if you're looking to fill that feeling of "aloneness," I'm afraid I'm not going to be too helpful. At the end of every day it's just me. And it always will least as near as I can tell...

    4. Sounds familiar. I often think of stuff in verbs too. If a family member is ill I just don't remember to call and ask how they're doing so I might put an alarm clock on to remind me. Life is just easier if people think that I care. Less drama.

      I guess the same would work with love. I haven't been in a relationship in years so I'm out of practice anyway.

      BTW I also get very "deep" very fast. I just hate talking bullshit so I just dive right in. It does seem to make people think that we bond.

      I wish I could have some face to face conversations with socios because I'm really into getting new perspectives. I also feel like writing a book about this stuff but not sure if it would be fiction or fact. Fact is a lot easier for me. I'm actually a writer although English isn't my mother tongue.

  13. Get away. As fast as you can. From yourself. There's a web site about how to divorce yourself from yourself at

  14. The other day I went to the dentist & he said he was a "certified psycho", this did not make me change my mind about booking a time, I just thought "-Oh well, then he surely have steady hands and icy heart, perfect if more than just a routine cleaning session is needed". No this did not happen. Things like that are not very likely to happen at all, anywhere.

  15. Being sincere and open about everything is the real key. It is the resolute belief in yourself, as well as being continuously honest with yourself and your partner, that will help with intimacy issues. People like to speak about worldly power and having control, but, regardless of age, once they know real love, they realize that they’re living for the first time (as in being truly alive).

  16. Off topic, from Twitter:
    "If someone is not acting how we want, maybe there is something wrong with our expectations, and not their behaviour."

    This really cracked me up.
    Mostly because on my account it was followed directly by 2 tweets from a woman who runs a surprisingly good blog about narcissists.
    Saying that narcissists do not want to address issues. They want to keep their behaviour exactly as it is. Attempts to work on problems bring narcissistic rage.
    If you try to address problem behaviour, the narcissist might interrupt to tell you to stop being negative, stop making problems, etc...

    I fucking love when things come together so beautifully :)

    Something I have learned the hard way about narcissists is that once you grow a pair, establish boundaries and start wanting them to address toxic behaviours, they will do almost anything to dance around it. They might try sucking up, pouting, claiming great spiritual awakenings, playing the victim...
    Almost anything to get their way and avoid facing themselves.

    It makes me wonder, if their ego allowed them to talk it through honestly, compromise and spend that energy on working through the issues and improving the relationship, rather than on trying to weasel out of it and prove to themselves that they do not have a problem, how much better off would they be?

    As hilarious as it can be to watch them dance, it's just so frustratingly pathetic after a while.

    1. You're deconstruction sounds about right for the narcs I've encountered.

      In a way, it's almost the neurotic little brother of sociopathy - hard to take seriously when you realize it's all about their fragile ego.

      Smartie - you're the resident narc. Care to explain it us (so we can have some fun...)?

    2. What is the name or site of this great blog? I've got 5+ narcissists in my family and it's incredibly difficult to get along, we all love them nonetheless, why do they have to make it so hard though?

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  18. I've been on the receiving end of what you describe. It was the most intense relationship I have ever experienced. Throughout the relationship I had the upper hand and that was uncomfortable for both of us.

    In the end, he sabotaged things by becoming aggressive and controlling. I broke up with him because I saw no future for us if he had to put me in ever smaller boxes. On some level, I will always love him even as I recognize the relationship is fatally flawed.

    My advice to you is to not allow your newfound sense of vulnerability translate into controlling behaviors because if she's healthy, she'll leave you and if she's troubled, she will remain in the relationship as a less satisfying version of the woman you love. That's a lose/lose situation for you.

  19. Sounds like you need a good beating, S&M girl. Your new lady is playing some heavy duty mind games on you to have you spilling your guts and going all passive on her. Is this what passes for love in your world? Guess you aren't quite the badass you want to think you are. As soon as you find a match, you go all squirmy.

    Get a grip, already! Or get a grip on a pair of handcuffs. Stop spilling your guts and go have some naughty girl fun. Is it because you're not screwing somebody over that you can't enjoy yourself? Get over that. If you can't, you don't have much future as lovers, do you?

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