Friday, May 1, 2009

Desperately seeking sociopath

More from reader "R":
I realized part of my bitter disappointment was that [the man i was dating] was only a narcissist [not a sociopath]. I am a person that is highly sensitive and I do think that I have an almost debilitating capacity to understand and at times feel what other feel. Is seems that just because you are emotional does not necessarily make you good. It has however after a lot of time of introspection made me realize that I can understand people's motives pretty easily. I'm distressed because they are usually, well... So I oscillate between thinking I 'm a crazy narcissist or I'm doomed to be lonely, because I'm afraid I'm on to something. Anyway, I think I was trying to find a sociopath, 1) for relief from having to feel all the time and 2) so I could objectively share information. What do you think?
My response:
I think your reasons for seeking out a sociopath make perfect sense. From what you are describing, you sound like what I call an "uber-empath," someone who is on the opposite extreme of the empathy spectrum as the sociopath. Like many extremes, sociopaths and uber-empaths actually seem to get along quite well. I have had many friends and relationships with uber empaths. In this post I say the following with an uber-empath friend:

Uber-empaths and sociopaths actually make okay friends because the empath is constantly emoting all the time, like kryptonite killing off lesser things, but the sociopaths are unfazed, immune. And sociopaths rarely get to show off to people who really appreciate them, but uber-empaths can understand and appreciate.
So I think there can be a healthy, symbiotic relationship between the two.


  1. Makes sense. The empath and sociopath are like yin and yang.

  2. nope the empath and sociopath aren't yin and yang!!! HA HA HA omg!! This site is starting to become seriously hilairious!! Empath and sociopath are more like sugar and doesn't suit and doesn't taste good when mixed together.

  3. For anyone who're interested in relationships (or friendships) with sociopaths, my advice would be to be valuable to them in a rare and unusual way. Otherwise, you're just another dime-a-dozen lay/sucker/whatever.

    And I don't mean monetarily valuable, that just makes you a sucker and by such undeserving of respect. Being great in bed isn't going to get you a pass from being mistreated either, though it certainly helps. Actually, nothing gets you a pass from being at least occasionally mistreated, but if you're valuable they're less likely to do anything really bad.

    It may not be universally true, but for me at least the things I value most in people are connection and acceptance. Not very sociopathic? That's exactly the point.

    Even a shadow of genuine connection to another person is vanishingly rare for a sociopath, enough so that I can think of maybe two people for which I have a bond deeper than "they're fun to spend time with". As for how to engineer such a bond, my guess would be super-high doses of the sorts of things which cause bonding for normal people. And even then, I'm not sure that this is possible for more severe sociopaths.

    Acceptance is similarly rare and valuable. A sociopath has to continually hide who they are from everyone around them. They have to suppress their natural urges, pretend to think in what to them is an alien and unnatural way, and lie (or at least bend the truth) all the time. Playing people is fun, but when there's no real goal besides just maintaining cover, it gets to be more like work. Tedious, boring, at times exhausting work from which there is no escape.

    So if you can really accept a sociopath for who they are, if they don't have to pretend around you (or more likely, don't have to pretend as much), then you're rare and probably valuable to them.

    And if what you want is a sociopath, this should be relatively easy. Assuming you really do want a sociopath, and not just the mask they happen to wear.

    Consider: How would feel about being with someone who feels good about hurting, using, and betraying other people? Would you enjoy hearing about it? Seeing it? Being involved in it?

  4. Ok yeah Phage you have a valid point, however sociopaths aren't that bad, (unless your talking about jeffrey dalmer, john wayne gacy etc). Then again even Jeffrey Dalmer made sure he was baptised before he was murdered in jail. So i guess even he knew the chance's were he was straight off to hell. There was a definate sadness about him and he fought his urges until he could no longer control himself. Still sick in the head though in every sense of the world. Anyway, i don't believe all sociopaths are evil. I think there is a definate place for them in society.(those of whom aren't murderous) For example big business, soldiers etc. For those people fortunate enough to be have a deep bond with a sociopath, then there isn't a thing your sociopath won't do for you. You, (in a rare case) are special, i'd go as far to say "untouchable". But don't start thinking empaths that you can make yourself that special person. A sociopath chooses who that person is. It will be something about you that you won't even be aware of, yet to the sociopath it is like a drug.

  5. Well no, sociopaths are not inherently evil, and in some cases perhaps not that bad, though I'm curious where you get the rest of your information.

    Certainly I've never met anyone who I'd consider untouchable. Perhaps someone that I wouldn't scheme against or betray without very good reason, but I was still condescending, arrogant, and at times mean. It's very hard to consistently be any other way. And in the end, I still always come first. I'm the only person I'd do anything for.

  6. Excellent advice in your first post Phage. I think you’re right on the money.

  7. Phage after reading that i guess your right their is no such thing as an "untouchable", maybe the products of sociopath/narcissists like to tell themseves they are, when its just as simple what you stated
    "perhaps someone who i wouldn't scheme against or betray without very good reason, but i was still condescending, arrogant, and at times mean" wow can i relate to that. How do sociopaths/narcissists truely feel about their children? Can anybody answer me that? Its so confusing, just because a person has a personality disorder doesn't mean the child they have will too. So how does the sociopath/narcissist feel about this "empath" creature they have created? Its as parasite it needs feeding, clothing and care? ....Actually i already know the answer. mini me's are useful at a certain age. The others that aren't get disgarded unless they come into a source of use. Man thats cold. I can't believe how deluded iv been lol. Iv spent years mulling over that question in my head, and i've just figured it out duh!! Thank you Phage, your words on the screen made it so blatant. Almost like erasing a smoke screen.

  8. ....just to follow on from my last post Phage, i don't have "infomation as such" not in terms of reading up in books or being qualified to diagnose anybody. I wasn't raised by the typical normal "parent". How can i not unconditionally love that person? Yet to love that person is punishment enough. To me her behaviour was "normal" up until i reached a certain age, and started to question things. I don't like to face the fact im probably not loved (i refer to her as an ice maiden) I don't like to look at my parent as evil.( just slightly deranged) So i detached myself and sort of developed my own way of dealing with the mental games and chaos. But to me those behaviours are what im used to, they are familiar to me and as disruptive as they are a insane way, to be around that chaos feels like...well...home. (dare i say it) To be in what society terms a "healthly relationship", feels odd to me. It feels disturbingly peaceful and then i need out of it. I make no sense i realise that, but i do to myself. I have learn't behaviours from my parent because of the environment in which i was raised, and certain personality traits which i inherited, which i detest in myself, but i detest her more. I detest her for giving birth to me. wow im messed up. So i don't fit in too well with other empaths because i have a definate "streak", im seen as quirky but i do feel love and hurt, yet im not a sociopath/narcissist, im aware i have a conscience. Im almost like a hybrid. I know all too well about loneliness. so i sort of drift along on my own. Im strange, to a certain degree i need to be treated mean to feel normal. It doesn't make me feel sad it makes me feel like i said "normal". Name calling from my parent was intense some of it cut deep because im a empath, yet the usual awful daily remarks were "normal" and i could shrug it off with a giggle. And find something equally as nasty to say back. And thats the way things were. I find familiarity in sociopathic people because im reminded of home. My emotions can go from rage to numb to melancholy, in a matter of moments so im medicated to keep me on a stable level. Omg did i just admit that ha ha ha ha.

  9. As I mentioned previously, the empath and sociopath are like yin and yang- but only in the ease with which they fit together. When they are put together, it can seem to be a sweet experience save for the dysfunctional undertone of their union. I'd like to support the sugar and vinegar analogy, but I've also made balsamic vinaigrette dressing, so I know they CAN BE good mixed together. :-) (Doesn't mean it's always healthy, tho.)

    Phage, I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of the socio's desire in a relationship. While monetary or sexual availability will render someone a lamb to a slaughter, the key to better treatment is to be "of value" to the socio. How true.

  10. I've never had children, so I don't know. I also know, however, that I would never want children. They're nasty, disgusting little parasites that ruin your life. I only have to look at what I did to my mother to see that.

    As for your reason for wanting a sociopath for a relationship, it makes enough sense. It's not healthy, but healthy isn't what's most important. If you're a little bit of a hybrid as you suggest (totally possible, sociopathy exists on a continum), that's probably for the better. You'll be able to more see eye to eye.

    Oh, and I don't know about everyone else, but I usually like it when I say something nasty to someone and they have a snapy comeback. I'm usually disgusted with people who allow themselves to be insulted and don't make a peep.

  11. lmao phage you made me laugh!!
    "They're nasty, disgusting little parasites that ruin your life" ha ha ha ha!!That sum's up exactly how my mother felt about me and exactly how i felt about her!! awwwww families.

  12. Even if a socio "chooses" an empath or anyone else, their anger and rage are only kept hidden for so long. Eventually the true monster emerges and hopefully the recipient survives the attack. Although, the physical and emotional trauma they endure will be ridiculous to the socio and they will probably ask you to thank them for helping you realize what an unstable person you are. Really- promoting such a relationship is akin death sentence-especially for an empath.

  13. Lolz, for an unknown reason, people whom I hang out with all days are mostly sociopaths. My "best" friend and my father are good examples but I wonder... How come I have seen no empaths at all in my life...

  14. I can see this. The sociopath would be attracted to the empath, because the empath cant help but 'help', but an empath feels how someone feels. The sociopath is a good actor (like a chameleon). I am an empath. So its interesting, because i see through the sociopath. he is invisible to me. But that can become a challenging cat and mouse game. He loves to deceive me, i love to help him to understand him. Is it healthy? NO. Its toxic. To be honest, an empath is probably one of the few people who could tolerate a sociopath. Just because they are so understanding, whereas most people would say 'get lost' ... everyone i know says why are you still speaking to him? Despite all he did, and he ended up street homeless, I still cared. And empaths do that. However when he stole my dead daughters expensive watch (probably because he knew that would hurt me)... i have been cold to him. Which he finds difficult to handle, because he is losing control over me. He cant thrive off my emotions. I am wary of letting him anywhere near me. But despite the lies - and they were of the most deceitful lies, the theft, the financial ruin. I still miss the REAL things that we had in common. Common interests things we loved to do. Whilst i accept that he is capable of feigning interests to manipulate me, i know for a fact what was real and true. Because they were there before he got to know me. I am now deciding whether to walk away from him for good, or whether to be a friend to him. I know for sure that he cant be trusted to be in a relationship with. He has nobody else he has pushed everybody away. He moved to another city to be with me. He still lives here, but has no friends. He is a charmer and gets on with everybody. At least superficially. Something about him and his psychology fascinates me. In a way i am relieved that i can see he is a sociopath. As at least its not personal anymore.


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