Friday, April 3, 2009

Dating a sociopath/narcissist (part II)

My reply to the question from the reader:
My initial thoughts are that he is obviously charming enough to be attractive, he seems very egocentric, and he is not above abusing close relationships but will still make the minimum amount of effort to maintain those relationships so they will be available for further abuse (milking the cow instead of slaughtering). He is manipulative, he doesn't conform to social norms, he has a flexible version of reality/truth -- these are all sociopathic traits. Growing up in a hard environment does not make him less likely to be a sociopath, but more so. The fact that he stood up for a kid being beaten up could go either way, but I think it argues more in favor of sociopath. Sociopaths and narcissists both have a grandiose self image, have a low fear response, and are in need of excessive amounts of stimulation. These and other sociopath/narcissist specific traits would encourage jumping into the fray rather than avoiding fights, even if the fight does not concern them at all. Particularly in this instance where the odds seemed stacked slightly against him, but not too much, and there was a certain amount of nobility to the cause (with the added benefit of impressing you), this seems more like the behavior of a sociopath than a rational person who probably would not have interfered or would have called the police instead of turning vigilante/superhero.

It's hard to diagnose sociopaths secondhand, and even more difficult to diagnose sociopaths thirdhand (firsthand would require intimate knowledge of thought processes that only the suspect himself would have access to), but it is not unlikely that your boyfriend is a sociopath or narcissist. The two are very difficult to distinguish based on outside observation alone. Like a dolphin and a shark, they may generally look the same and act the same, but they come from quite different patterns of interacting with the world. If you feel like your boyfriend has a great deal of self-awareness about his condition, his behavior, and his motivations for his actions, he is probably a sociopath. If he seems oblivious to the inner workings of his mind, the consequences of his actions, or seems to live in a reality entirely his own, he is probably a narcissist. Either way he sounds like he is low-functioning and is probably not a good person to indulge. If you continue to have contact with him, you should establish firm boundaries and clear consequences and follow through with those consequences (although arguably only sociopaths would have enough self-awareness to learn to live within set boundaries). Do not let him manipulate you into compromising you or the rules you have set for him. If you fail to do these things, anything negative that happens to you will be no one's fault but your own.

But I do understand the attraction. Sociopaths and narcissists can be very alluring.

Thanks for reading.
Reader's response:
thank you for your reply! yeah, after he abandoned me there i cut him off and he has yet to come back(but i DO care about him, which actually frightens me because i know he isn't good for me.) and you're right, they're very attractive to me atleast because i like a man who isn't afraid to defend himself or others. it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that if he is a sociopath or narcissist, he can't feel compassion.. its very foreign to me. i really enjoy your site btw :)


  1. narcissits an old man at the age of 54 called me as he stalked me for about two weeks to end up wanting to rape but as he got close enough to me in a project hallway that is the word he used my image of living in the hood he tuly believe I was going to submmit and get fucked in the hallway and raped in front of my son a two year old. Ha I laugh and feel no sense of fear as I looked into the eyes of the craziest man out of a correctional facility. I seen to been blessed I say saracasitically to have these people in my path my whole life so prehaps I became what I was a victim of m now I am the one who cages my self in not to hurt the number of men who raped me gang rape cousin rape stranger rape age 14 to 35 and the accounts of rape go yearly but I can say for three years I am untouched and proud becouse I starve my self so no one will not look at the curves to rape now I am called a narrcasist
    From a true american girl
    the true story of american life
    born in the USA
    a small dirt town no one care to go or know

  2. "this seems more like the behavior of a sociopath than a rational person who probably would not have interfered or would have called the police instead of turning vigilante/superhero."

    I don't think I agree with this. Perhaps in most cases, yes. But not in all.

    Besides that, I think it's actually quite easy to deduce a sociopath. That may be because I am one. lol.

    Although, I'm never going to say anything with 100% certainty. Caution and humility are two good traits in anyone, in my opinion.

  3. Read many stories about dating sociopaths. Check this one out

    An in-depth account of someone in that kind of relationship and how to get out.

  4. I recently moved away to marry an actress/model, she was carrying my child, when I finally moved in, her attitude & personality took a huge turn, she ignored, abandoned, and isolated me, she used her children of 8 & 10 against me, all I ever did was work, and take care of the kids & home, and she blamed me & pregnancy hormones on everything, she even told me NOT to tell her family that she was pregnant, eventually she "gaslighted" me for everything, had me actually believing that everything was MY fault, that I was the one whom was the blame for everything, eventually kicking me out and ruining my life, everyone on the family disgarded me, and she is like a "queen-bee", controlling everyone like the "Wizard of Oz", so everyone thinks that I am the blame, I am left homeless, jobless, broke, and broken, and yet she has the audacity to say that she is severely angry at me and that I ruined HER life...
    I now recall ALL of her stories about her other boyfriends & ex- husband... She was ALWAYS the victim, they were always the villain, that she was abused sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that she is a strong empowered survivor...
    But when I look at the patterns, another guy before me moved in with her, she left him broke, homeless, brokenhearted, and aborted his child, and left him without closure, as with almost every man she dated...
    She even BRAGS about how many of her ex's have no closure, or how their lives were ruined for "betraying" her...
    Now she ihas landed modeling and acting gigs and I know for a fact that several future victims are lining up to have her wipe her ass with them and flush them

  5. Men are more often evil than women, but humans are dangerous, including those with wombs.

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