Sunday, February 16, 2014

Perspective

I was half watching Olympic curling recently. I tried to figure out what the announcers were talking about, i.e. what the rules/scoring are. It usually seemed good when you managed the other team's stones, but also not always? And I know people say this all of the time about curling, but there's something a little ridiculous about it, especially the broom people, and particularly in comparison to events like slalom skiing and skeleton (which are dangerous, but again not that serious in the big scheme of things). So I was watching these curlers who look like soccer moms and there's all of this weird vocalizing and references to weird pieces of nomenclature that when the announcers started flipping out about something being a huge mistake I just laughed. How could anything that has to do with curling be labeled a "huge mistake"?

This was not like my friend who, while driving, failed to properly look both directions at a stop sign, pulled out, got hit by a huge truck and killed his friend who was a passenger. Or my other friend who killed his wife in a hiking accident by causing a rockslide. I once saw an interview with a girl who was jumping from rock to rock on the top of a cliff. Due to an optical illusion, she thought that the mountains on the horizon were rocks that were just a meter in front of her. and jumped off a cliff. She's now paralyzed. Those things seem closer to being labeled "huge mistakes". Maybe not even those? Economists have argued (and empirics support) that people have a set baseline of happiness -- that despite major positive and negative changes in their lives, they will eventually (6 mos?) coast back down or up to their previous level of happiness. I know my friends who have killed people don't feel like their lives have been ruined (although the families of the deceased might think differently). And the girl from the interview said she was also very happy. Things just don't seem to matter as much as people fear they will, particularly since with few exceptions all of us will be forgotten in as little as a hundred years (Along these same lines, Downton Abbey juxtaposes the perceived domestic "tragedies" of a missing footman with true tragedies like war to great effect).

I always tell my anxiety prone friend to not think about the future in terms of the next few decades. Otherwise she tends to over-estimate how terrible it will be to live without her ex that she just broke up with because he takes her current sadness levels and multiplies it out 365 days a year, for however many decades. And when you think that way, even the smallest setback can seem terribly overwhelming. And it's interesting. In the aftermath of the book release, I've fallen way behind in answering emails from this site (maybe 5-6 months delay?). Often people who write to me very upset about something. I write them back 5 months later and get no answer. There are a lot of ways to read this, but mostly I think that it's because the issue is no longer relevant. And maybe it's no longer relevant because the horrible thing they were fearing happened and there's nothing that can be done to fix it, but I tend to think that it's because the problems that so bothered the person turned out to not be as serious/destructive/long-lasting as they thought it was or would be. Most of the people who break up with sociopaths don't really care much about them after some time. They move on. (There are some notable exceptions). Most people who are hurt by sociopaths move on. Stuff sorts itself out and more pressing matters take one's attention from the past, which I don't think is a bad thing. Sometimes it really can be helpful to imagine your future in terms of where will you be a few decades from now. Things that seem like mistakes or tragedies now may be so insignificant as to be forgotten by then.

And that's what I thought about as I heard the announcers lament such a terrible mistake in curling, a mistake that I wasn't even able to recognize, much less understand. I guess that's another thing that rubs me the wrong way about the social shaming -- I think that a large part of the urge to social shame or otherwise morally judge people as "guilty" and deserving of punishment is a secret fear of the but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I type.

People that seem most inclined to make moral condemnations also seem most self-assured that everyone has free will and a large amount of control over their lives. These moral condemners tend to think that people get what they deserve (for good or ill) because it supports the idea that they have earned the good things in their life solely through their own ingenuity and hard work. And if they have earned the goods things in life, that means they have succeeded in a way, particularly if you measure success in terms of home size, discretionary income, and how well one's children do in school. (Interestingly, to most of these people it's no longer considered a moral "failure"to have one's marriage fail, although to be laid off from one's job often still is.) And all of those things are important because not everyone has them, so that makes you better.

See, that's the tricky thing -- if you have a long term perspective about the negative things, that means you also will have a long term perspective about the positive things. If you feel like a mistake in the Olympics won't make or break your life, maybe you also won't believe that a score on a standardized test should be able to make or break your life, which might take away some of your self-justification for feeling better than other people. So they are faced with a conundrum: they can admit to themselves that most mistakes (theirs or others) are not really important when seen in perspective, but that would mean also acknowledging that most of their successes (theirs or others) are not important either.  I feel like for some of these people who love to harp on the mistakes of others, this moralistic urge comes from a fear that if they acknowledge that a gross mistake today will not seem like anything in a decade, they will also have to give up their joy at what seems a great success today. And that belief just leads to nihilism, because what is the point if you can't even feel that you're much (any?) better at life than your average homeless person.

If there were no Olympics, what would be the point of skiing down mountains fast or directing a stone true to its target? How would we know who is better and who is not?

(Cue the defensive comments and/or personal attacks from people whose world views do not permit such perspectives?)

68 comments:

  1. Emotional detachment and hyper-rationality have their advantages. It seems ridiculous from a sociopathic perspective why this pervasive vanity exists. From comparing yourself to athletes to celebrities, this notional perspective isn't very useful. How does it help people? Is it an idiosyncrasy, or is it of utility somehow?

    I can see it as sensational stimulation, to disregard reality as a comparative baseline and use an empathetic one instead. That would partially explain it. It helps to make other people around you perceive it in a way you want them to feel. How it is the commentator trying to inflate arousal in viewers of an otherwise banal activity?

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    1. Great post today, and I couldn't agree more. Life moves on and everything changes. 6,7,9 months. 2,3,5,7,10 years. It will all be different, Let it all go, move on. Free yourself, free everyone else, cut the chains and set yourself free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. UNSUCCESSFUL AND VEGITOPATHICFebruary 16, 2014 at 1:38 AM

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  3. UNSUCCESSFULLY VEGITOPATHIC VEGITOPATH NEEDS TO STOP BEEING A VEGITOPATHFebruary 16, 2014 at 1:40 AM

    TEEHEEEEEE WEN I SEE SNOOKIE, I SEE KIM KARDASHEEAN TEEHEEEE


















































































    WHEN I SEE MONEECA, I SEE KIM KARDASHEEAN TEEHEEEE
























































































    WHEN I SEE UKAN I SEE JUDE LAW TEEHEEEEEEEE

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  4. I don't think curling, falling off a mountain and having a loved one die in a car accident, are events, that have the same emotional impact on empaths.

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  5. The answer is NOT to "identify" with outcomes, and live in the NOW.

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    Replies
    1. UNSUCCESSFUL BUT VEGITOPATHIC VEGITOPATHIC IS ACTUALLY SUCCESSFULFebruary 16, 2014 at 12:26 PM

      TEEHEEEEEEE MEEE WUNT TOOO MARREEEEEE MONEECA AND UKAN UND MACHIAVELLIANEMPATH TEEHEEEEEEE


























































































      MEEEE WUNT THEM TWO RAVAGE MEEE TEEEHEEEEEE









































































































      AND FOURCE MEE TO HAVE THEIR BABEES TEEHEEEEE





























































































































      TEEHEEEE

      Delete
  6. The calm detachment you've seen here seems to be compatible with the thinking of stoic philosophers. It also makes me think of recent studies demonstrating that people generally get happier as they age because they have more perspective on the little ups and downs. Another way to look at this state of being is that the ego has developed to a point of being (at least partially) free from narcissistic injury.

    You mention that the people who exhibit the most moral condemnation are those who think they have the most control. I think that's mostly true in the sense that when you are a binary thinker you tend to over attribute one cause (your agency) for any effect. As you become less narcissistic it's easier to see situations as an amalgam of chance and different choices by different actors all converging in one circumstance.

    But I think that there's a different sort of control that is linked to life satisfaction (not narcissistic delusion). It's an internal locus of control- which is essentially how you choose to respond to what happens to you as being far more important that one what fortunes or misfortunes that befall you.

    There's a separate sort of happiness/positive affect that comes from the internal locus of control that is related to having a sense of control over your own actions that makes you less vulnerable to wide emotional swings- in many ways the relative inner peace of the sociopath (compared with tortured empaths) seems to be linked to having mastered the ability to chose ones actions instead of having them generate entirely from a place of emotion. Emotional self regulation is no small thing- and because sociopaths have never been able to "be themselves", perhaps successful sociopaths manage to master it earlier.

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  7. Surely most normal psychopathic people would want to WIN in the Olympics & bellow from the nearest mountain-top that they did just that, win? Don´t they like to dominate?

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    Replies
    1. Win, yes (if it leads to prestige and money). Bellow in triumph? No. They would be more inclined to grab lunch and take a nap afterwards.

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    2. I think napping should be an Olympic sport.

      MelissaR

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  8. I don't understand curling either. Maybe if there were no Olympics people would do the same things because they enjoy them? The first modern Olympics were held in 1896. Somehow I think even before then people were judging each other as to how good they were compared to others. I think professional sports are more hideous than the Olympics when it comes to judging people. NFL players earn all this money, buy big houses, cars, etc., then they have a bad season and they're gone. Coaches too.

    You have a choice in what you think, say, and do. I believe that those who constantly judge, compare, and condemn others are the most unhappy.

    MelissaR

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    Replies
    1. Free will is a partial illusion. It would be more accurate to say you have a choice on occasion.

      Delete
  9. Try to calculate the extent of the suffering and 'ruining' you have doled out over the years ME. That's probably what you have coming at you down the track. If you can handle that, you have nothing to fear.

    As for moving on from the sociopath, I have moved on but have never forgotten my ex. If one believes in heaven and hell - and I'm not sure that I do - I'd say he was a soul trapped in eternal hell. Rationally it makes no sense at all but that's what it felt like. I feel compassion for him (from a safe distance) and wish him well, futile and all as that is.

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    Replies
    1. I hope you don't mind my asking, if it turns out you don't believe in heaven and hell, just what do you think is coming for M.E. except eventual death? And if hell is existent, do you think that even a lifetime of morally bad behaviour can ever justify an eternity of suffering and damnation?

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    2. Anon 6:14, do you have something regarding the discussion at hand, or would you like to continue yelling at your monitor? ME is not your ex.

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    3. Why do you think of your ex? Move on. It is not normal to be stuck anywhere, and _love_ is no excuse to be stuck. Give someone else a chance.

      I am sure glad not to see my exes. I am filled with relief when I think of the fact that I don't have any chldren with them. Thank you God! When they are done, they are done.

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    4. @ Anon 8:50: In a discussion about mistakes and consequences, what is it about my post that you regard as 'continued yelling at my monitor'?

      @ SomeOne: As stated, I have moved on. I do, however, think of various exes once in a while, him included, and wonder in the greater scheme of things, why fate dealt him such a hand. That's not being stuck, it's the normal workings of a curious mind.

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    5. @ Jamie: I don't think a lifetime of bad behaviour can justify eternal suffering and damnation. But I don't make the rules (If there are rules).

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    6. Emotional retaliation against a surrogate (in this case, ME). Also the discussion is about the perspectives of what is seen as significant, and how that significance diminishes to a stable baseline over time despite its significance.

      Delete
    7. @ Anon 11:18 What retaliation? Stop reading what isn't there. I have no need to retaliate. Something in my post needled you, ask yourself why.

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    8. @ Anon 6:14, what makes you so sure ME is not my ex ;)

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    9. Your initial post made it evident (from the first sentence on), and your response verified it.

      By the way, when you try to redirect, you want to make it sound less critical and sarcastic, or else you defuse the very redirect you are trying to push. You don't want to sound bitter. For future reference.

      Delete
    10. UNSUCCESSFULLY VEGITOPATHIC VEGITOPATH IS SUCCESSFUL IN OTHER WAYSFebruary 16, 2014 at 12:31 PM

      BITTER. TEEHEEE. IT'S HIS FAVOREET FLAVUR. TEEEHEEEEE


































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      AND MEEE STILL WUNT TO MARREE MONEECA AND UKAN. TEEHEEEEE. BUT THEY NEVER SAID WHEN THEY WUNT THE WEDDEENGS TO BEE. TEEEHEEEEEE. NO SET DATE. TEEEHEEE

      Delete
    11. @Anon 12:27, thanks for the tip, I'll bear it in mind ;)

      Delete
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  23. "Any community that gets its laughs by
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    -Rene Descartes

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  31. MARY WILL BE JOINNING THE CAST OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES MARY WILL BE PLAYING AS BILLIE REED IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES MARY WILL BE REPLACING ACTRESS KAY IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  37. You do something because you want to. If you can show you're better than everyone else by beating some other people, all the better.

    ReplyDelete
  38. KEVIN WILL BE JOINNING THE CAST OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES KEVIN WILL BE PLAYING AS MAX BRADY IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES KEVIN WILL BE REPLACING ACTOR O BRIEN IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  44. MEL WILL BE JOINNING THE CAST OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES MEL WILL BE PLAYING AS MAX BRADY IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES MEL WILL BE REPLACING ACTOR DAMIAN IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES

    ReplyDelete
  45. SEAN WILL BE JOINNING THE CAST OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES SEAN WILL BE PLAYING AS MAX BRADY IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES SEAN WILL BE REPLACING ACTOR MEL IN DAYS OF OUR LIVES

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  47. SUCCESSFUL VEGITOPATH IS HAVING THE DAY OF HIS LIFEFebruary 16, 2014 at 12:28 PM

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    I DONT MIND THAT AT ALL. TEEHEEE.


























    TEEHEEE

    ReplyDelete
  48. "my friends who have killed people..." lol

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    Replies
    1. Glad to know I'm not the only one who found that funny! I'd be wary of hanging out with anyone who has a track record of accidentally killing their loved ones due to gross incompetence and bad luck.

      Delete
    2. I reckon it's better to know that your friend has killed someone than to have a friend that killed someone and not know it.

      MelissaR

      Delete
  49. I just finished the book and must thank the author for writing it. It explains a number of people in my past who puzzled me in terms of their thinking, actions and lack of affect. I'm not a sociopath and never thought I was, although I do have another mental illness (major depression). Sociopaths seem to use rationalization and denial a great deal in trying to cope with life -- what someone may or may not feel in the future is irrelevant. It may help you to see things this way but don't expect anyone else to feel comforted by the idea.

    It's a very good idea to stay miles away from social media if you don't want to get judged or criticized. Of course no one wants to be criticized, the reason I never reveal anything personal about myself on the internet unless using a pseudonym. I imagine this blog and the book have helped a great number of people feel they aren't alone in their own heads ... at least there's a place to talk about it.

    Thank you for the time and hard work you've put into making life a bit easier for some people.

    ReplyDelete
  50. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    ReplyDelete

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