Bully's bully

I've always considered myself a bully's bully. Bullies are particularly attractive targets to me because they are very adept at swaying the beliefs and behavior of mobs. As I have said before, mob mentality freaks me out. I feel like attacking the bully is like cutting off the head of the mythical mob beast, or to mix a metaphor, a mob is nothing without its ringleader.

Recently I have been exposed to a bully in a work setting. I never had much interaction with this person before, and then only in positive ways, which was why I was so surprised when a coworker of mine confided that this person makes his work life hell. This particular bully doesn't have any real authority. If anything, my coworker friend is the bully's superior, so the bully is always careful to cover any suspicious activity with passive aggressive behavior. The bully also preemptively attacks my friend's character and credibility so when/if my friend ever complains, he's not going to seem credible. This is a classic manipulative tool, making it seem like your target has a personal vendetta against you so when he reacts (seemingly unprovoked), he = crazy and you = victim. (I feel like this is the plot of many a cat/dog fighting antique cartoon. I also feel like sociopath may have been the inventor of the popular myth -- the completely unjustified personal vendetta.)

Before my friend warned me, I was lulled by the bully's seeming good-nature and charms. I disclosed valuable information, like what projects I was involved with, how things were working out, etc. The bully lulled me into a false sense of security by talking about his own personal details -- disappointing children, bumps in the road of life, etc. The bully did not seem like a threat at all, and I started to question my friend's assessment. But the bully quickly showed his true colors -- yelling, screaming, picking on his legitimate inferiors. I suddenly saw so clearly how the bully was targeting me indirectly -- asking me about my current projects because he wanted to help me fail.

As the bully was saying goodnight to everyone, I pulled him aside, put my hand on his shoulder and said, "You know, I have to apologize to you.Ii made a joke this morning that was in poor taste. You asked how everything was going with my new project and I said 'So far so good.' I didn't mean to imply that i wasn't giving the project my full attention and skill. On the contrary, I am 100% dedicated to the success of this project. I think I was just trying to be self-deprecating, but I realize now that the joke fell flat." Such a non sequitor, uncomfortably sincere apology where no apology was expected will always catch the receiving party off-guard. Granted, the apology was really for nothing, it was really more of a brag. All the better. It confuses the receiving party and makes him feel as if you are very sensitive/weak/vulnerable (even though you aren't), and therefore not at all a threat. They suddenly feel as if they too should be apologizing about things, or explaining, or something -- ANYTHING -- just to fill the oppressively awkward silence while you keep staring into their eyes with your hand meaningfully on their shoulder. I stood there and listened to the bully spill. "Well, it's true that the last few people in charge of that project got fired, and I was just thinking, maybe... but maybe you'll be different..." See what has happened here? I have forced my opponent to show his hand. He has acknowledged that he is aware of what my project is (even though he pretended to have no clue the day before), its history, its importance, his obvious interest in it, etc. It doesn't really matter if his cards are aces or deuces, in a world where bluffing and image mean everything (or almost everything), I immediately gain the upper hand. And he knows it.

The next day I was all deflection. He asked me a question, and I gave him a non-answer and asked him questions back, even for the most meaningless of things. "What did you get for lunch?" "Oh you know, same old. What did you get for lunch?" "What are you working on now?" "Little this, little that. What are you working on?" The terser the answer, the more offputting it is, like someone returning your baseline hits from the net. You pin him there. You want him to know that for every worthless piece of information he may get from you, you are getting twice the value and 10X the number. The bully, now desperate and sensing the shift in power, quickly progressed from "chummy" sideways questions to direct inquiries. "So how did that project turn out yesterday? Did it get approved?" Wouldn't you like to know.

Moral of this story: empaths who complain about sociopaths, who do you think will fight the bullies among you if we're not around? Empaths can be just as horrible (if not more so) than sociopaths, and some of them don't even realize it. If we are all locked up in your dream sociopath gulag, who will protect you from yourselves? We may not be the only ones who can beat you at your own little bully games, but we are certainly the most ruthlessly efficient about it.

Sociopaths by definition criminal?

Some have suggested that sociopaths are by definition criminal. Even if that were clinically true, I think it is false practically speaking. The whole study of sociopathy is junk science at worst and misguided at best. Almost all studies of sociopaths have been done with the prison population, if not all. You study the prison population, and criminality will obviously end up as one of the defining characteristics of a sociopath. This is irresponsible. It would be like studying black people only amongst the prison population and listing criminality as a defining characteristic of being black. What if we studied homosexuality only amongst the prison population and extrapolated to the entire gay community? Would we think that homosexual sex was always antagonistic, a nonconsensual way of exerting social dominance? As one sociopath reader puts it:

Having respect for property doesn't mean it's not property. People keep their yards clean, and I prefer to keep my life, and those in it, clean. I don't think a person has to be essentially malicious to be a sociopath. As a sociopath, your perceived mal-intent boils down to how you'd treat your environment. It's unfortunate there's no broader diagnosis that doesn't require a preoccupation with cruel or criminal behavior. It doesn't seem so different from using a specific diagnoses for obsessive people who have a thing for cars, without having one for obsessive people in general. If you remove the specific interest, you still have an obsessive person; though, if you were to remove the obsessive traits, you would have a normal person with a hobby. If you remove the destructive tendencies from a textbook sociopath, you still have a man without a conscience--what I believe is the foundation of the disorder; however, if you give that same man a conscience instead, what's the essential difference between him and the rest of humanity?

The diagnosis of sociopathy now is just like any medical diagnosis ending in -itis: doctors generally don't care why whatever you have is swollen, they're fine using that one symptom to "diagnose" the disorder. Similarly equating us with criminal behavior, although not entirely inaccurate, is not very useful. Sure, we may sometimes commit crimes, but so do a lot of the otherwise law-abiding seeming people who haven't gotten caught and the other 80%-ish of the prison population who aren't sociopaths. And how is it that the rest of the sociopath population is not in prison? Are we all just very good at not getting caught? What a scary world that would be if all of us sociopaths were out committing heinous crimes all the time and walking amongst you. No wonder there are so many people deathly terrified of sociopaths.

Decisionmaking

I'm obsessed with it. I have poor impulse control and no moral compass. After I got sick of making crap decisions and dealing with the fallout, I started making decision-making a personal religion.

I have talked before about how economic efficiency is a serviceable prosthetic moral compass. I have also suggested that sociopaths study aspects of decision-making, particularly game theory, to learn how to better harness their sociopathic skills for their benefit.

Of course, decision-making is only as good as the information on which it is based. Luckily sociopaths can display amazing amounts of insight into how the world works.Llike the color blindness of many predators, our inability to see the distractions of the full emotional spectrum and subtleties of social norms can actually improve our ability to stalk our prey at night, or flaws or patterns in the social construct. I have such an uncannily accurate ability to gauge probabilities, to discover patterns in everything (including human behavior), that I sometimes appear psychic. I empathize with people like Cassandra, actually, because although my predictions are frequently accurate, I mostly end up keeping them to myself -- No one even wants to believe them. Sigh.

Criminal sociopathy (part 4)

Last installment. (As a sidenote, there are a lot of things I know about my readers who email me that I don't include when I publish about them. I know that means you don't get the whole story, but I weigh that against other considerations. I have this guy's backstory, and if he is who he says he is, then he is who he says he is.) My comments in bold.

The truth is most people make me sick. They disgust me. I don't care about them, because they don't care about themself. I don't respect them, because they don't respect themself. Luckily I think that a lot of people are sort of charming. I can be very fond of people, but definitely not anyone who is a self-hater. Those people are lost.

I hide behind the mask because if they knew how great I really felt and who I really am they would hate me because they can't be that way. Yeah, I think you are right that they would hate you. I don't know if it would necessarily all (or even primarily) be because they are jealous. I feel like it is more because you threaten their very way of life, are a parasite, someone who is at least capable of doing terrible things to them.

The vast majority of people besides sociopaths are insecure, self loathing, self hating, miserable people guided by their weaknesses who will never change. I wonder if your opinions are somewhat influenced by who you have found yourself surrounded by in jail and with the gang. I think a lot of people are great. I myself have met many smart, really dedicated people who are not at all a drain on society.

Psychologists who call our personality types evil and a mental illness are leading the charge. Blaming everyone for their weakness. Pointing fingers at us calling us evil, because they can't 'treat' our 'illness'. They can't manipulate us, in fact they fear us because without even studying psychology we can manipulate them. Its no wonder they have a high suicide rate. This sounds accurate, although I don't know about the correlation with the high suicide rate and their failure to treat sociopaths.

I want to end in this. Know yourself. You are your worse enemy. Learn to identify other leaders, or 'sociopaths' and be honest with them, don't try to manipulate them because they will also become your worse enemy. Right, making enemies with sociopaths is a losing scenario for both empaths and sociopaths. It's like Dangerous Liaisons -- stuff will turn needlessly ugly for both of you.

Don't try to be weak and insecure like them and have them tell you that you're sick because you don't feel guilty, insecure, and negative about yourself. You are amazing, gifted, and the most important person in your life so live that way. I like your style. You sound like you have worked out a great life philosophy for yourself. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

A little more commentary about this: when I first read it I was turned off (apparently, like many of you) by all of what seemed to be braggery. I don't know what I was expecting from my first exchange with a criminal sociopath, but I was surprised, particularly on the second reading, to see how much we had in common. To a large extent when i read things like this, it is like looking into a mirror:

Most 'criminals' lack any sophistication to put anything out there on the internet or any media for people to understand us. I wanted to change that. I also wanted to see if there's people out there like us who understand maybe that's on another walk of life. I found your site when doing research on sociopaths trying to find a positive alternate view. I found a dr. as well who says he leans towards a minority opinion that it might be a personality type which I agree with.

Most 'disorders' are personality types in my opinion or everyone would have a disorder. I think the DSMIV was written by weak minded psychologists who seem to dominate the industry. Which is why the majority are bananas themselves.
From reading the websites on sociopathy there seems to be a growing trend of people who want to be sociopaths like its a badge of honor. Maybe we might be getting some positive reviews as people now. The strange thing I've found is the fact that people hate us so much by definition but in reality we are surrounded by everyone who looks to us for guidance and leadership. Its a ironic contradiction.

Criminal sociopathy (part 3)

(cont.)

This is really what I wanted to write to you about. I have many crazy stories, because I've had a crazy life. The turning point in my life came when I actually understood and listened to those words. When I went to prison and had time to understand myself. That's not to say I'm not living a lie right now. Its to say I know I live the lie and I don't give a shit. Right. Like you said before, we all wear masks. Our sociopath brains are just programmed to take the information we receive and process it in certain distorted ways. The key is understanding that this happens and trying to learn our own brain's proclivities and those of people that we are trying to relate with or control.

I've stopped denying that I manipulate people. I know I do and I'm proud I can. Because of that I'm able to focus it on people I need to instead of doing it to everyone. Yes! So much of the maturation of a sociopath is learning how to focus our energies.

In reality people need to be manipulated and they want to be. So true. A good example I use with people is seduction. Everyone wants to be seduced. Also magic and religion. Everyone wants to be tricked, to believe in miracles. Even I do.

The difference between a sociopath and other personality types is just the amazing ability to manipulate on a grand scale and even manipulate ourselves. To believe that we are the best and the most amazing person in the world and put it into practice. his is something that a lot of low functioning sociopaths don't understand: you can manipulate yourself just as easily as you can manipulate those around you. iIn some ways it is harder because you are aware you are doing it and can fight against it, in some ways it is easier because you know yourself better and so can push your own buttons more effectively. Everyone does this on a small scale -- rewarding themselves for "good behavior," buying themselves an ice cream cone for job well done, etc. As a sociopath, though, I would say that this is the primary way in which I control my actions instead of giving in to every impulse.

We lie because people want the lie. They can't handle reality and for that reason they can't handle truth. Don't want it, wouldn't believe it even you told them it. People have their own view of the world, and if what you are telling them doesn't comport, they will just think you are lying or are ignorant.

I don't need to feel guilty or remorseful and I don't try to because everyone else thinks I should. People love me more for it. I get any girl I want. When I tried to go legit I got any job I wanted. I lied on applications, and elaboratly lied on interviews. I lie to my parents so much they think I own my own business when really I sell drugs. I change the stories about how I'm at the club networking for production companies to hook them up with DJs when really I'm there hustling.

Currently I'm using the clubs and my clients to practice manipulation even more. I get people hooked on coke at the club and call them to tempt them later in the week to buy more. I don't do the product myself and when they ask me why I tell them its out of respect for the customer. I tell them coke dealers who do their own stuff rip off the customer, which is true. The lie is the fact I don't do it because I don't need drugs to feel amazing I already feel that way. Excessive amounts of serotonin and propensity to feel euphoria. I always give people the lie that they seem most likely to believe, which is usually the one that is most complimentary to them.

I sell false self esteem to them that lasts a hour or two before their back to their pathetic life of misery. As for respecting the customer I lost respect for them the minute they bought the first 20 bag I used to get them hooked. if they had it at all.

I study personlaties, which is what's getting me into psychology. I understand people even though they'll never understand me (nor do I want them to). Me too, although sometimes I actually want to be understood. Or at least appreciated/admired.

Me and my homies call it putting people together. They do it on a small scale cuz I just started teaching them. I ask people questions about their life. I love the imagery of you teaching your thug friends all about psychology.

People like talking bout themself honestly(this rants one of the few times I actually talked about myself honestly), or sometimes dishonestly but they can't lie to me. It is amazing how willing people are to talk about themselves. They must realize how it puts them at a disadvantage. It can't all be motivated by narcissism. I have found that many empaths would rather be at a disadvantage, or at least would rather you have control over a relationship rather than them. Why that is, I have no idea.

I can see through almost any bullshit. One of a sociopath's most useful/deadly talents.

I let them talk and listen till I figure them out. I've discovered many personality types and how to identify them. How to find insecurities. How to exploit them or even how to fix them. Ha, it is so natural, isn't it? People ask how we do it, but it's hard to explain. I think it is because we just have no preconceived notions about people. Most people think that others are like them. We know that almost no one is like us, so we never make that mistake. People are always shocked at what I immediately recognize about them. Things that they think are absolutely private. With an artist friend, I immediately asked him why his paintings were monochromatic. He was shocked that he had never noticed that about them before (I was shocked too). I notice patterns, I make connections. I know why you didn't go through with your plastic surgery, why you refuse to fault your daddy for anything, when you are giving excuses and when you are telling the truth. And I know it within the first minutes of knowing you.

Criminal sociopathy (part 2)

(cont.)

In all that time I manipulated everybody. I was out of control and angry things weren't going my way. I always thought I was the victim of injustice and if I had power everything would be set straight. I still believe it as a matter of fact. I controlled everyone around me. My friends, people who thought they were my friends (I called them crash dumbies), and my family. I believed my own bullshit and so did everyone else. This sounds familiar, minus criminal behavior. There's only so much your friends and associates can take from you, though, without realizing that you are actually their problem, not their savior.

I wouldn't just manipulate on small scale either. Let me give you another example. I worked at Staples (while selling coke out of it might I add) and they wanted me to become a lead in the business machine section due to my leadership skills. Thank your manipulation skills and charm for that.

They said eventually I'd be a manager. This is when I was 18. I was excited because this was my shot to be legit with a real job and future. Ah, what could have been!

One day this guy steals something and there's this big commotion. Long story short this cop comes and wants me to give a statement. I'm not a snitch [issues with authority figures] so I don't want to give one, but they take me to him anyway. This cop turns out to be one that arrested me for not letting him search me. He illegally arrested me a day after I turned 18. So I started yelling at him. Because of this incident they didn't want me as lead or even work there so they started cutting my hours. My reaction: I called UFCW. The union vons and safeway workers have. I started a union campaign that had the vice president of Staples come down to speak to us about why we should vote no on the union. Long story short Staples lost a lot of money fighting the union campaign, but I lost and they fired me. I like this. I also take the offensive once I realize that my chips are down. It is usually a longshot, but I find some consolation in thinking that if I am going down, a lot of other people are going down with me. Of course it can also be turn into assured mutual destruction...

Let me tell you why I call my friends that aren't my friends crash dumbies. You can tell them to do anything and they will do it. They are loyal out of sheer stupidity. I've crash dumbied many people. Some committed crimes for me. Some fought for me. Some shot for me. Some even got arrested doing something I was going to do, but they beat me to the punch to impress me.

One day this guy I considered a good mentor told me I have a ability to pursuade people my age to do things. That the youngsters followed me. I toldem that I don't tell people what to do, they do what they want. He said my refusal to accept leadership was really my refusal to accept responsibility. This is wisdom.Ii don't know why this is, but all sociopaths seem to go through a phase of denying reality and rejecting responsibility for their actions, e.g. pretending they're normal, thinking that nothing is their fault, thinking that everyone does/is similar, etc. Maybe we are just freaked out by what we are capable of, but all sociopaths seem to deny Christ at least a few times before coming to Jesus. Maybe this is why lack of responsibility for our actions is thought of as being a "typical" sociopath trait amongst the mental health community. I don't think that high functioning sociopaths are irresponsible (obviously, I guess, otherwise they wouldn't be high functioning), but it is definitely an issue for most (if not all) sociopaths at one stage in their development.

Criminal sociopathy (part 1)

From a reader (my responses in bold):

Dear M.E.

I've discovered I'm what they call a sociopath a year ago. I waz actually reading psychology to help me manipulate people better. This is one of the big reasons psychologists hate treating sociopaths, by the way -- they feel like we just take the info we learn from them and use it against them.

I waz ordered by the courts when I waz younger to go to therapy for anger control and my therapist called me one and refused to 'treat' me, so it kind of jumped out at me. If I knew then what I know now she can't diagnose me at one at 25 [you mean 15?] cuz its a 21 and over thing. I've always thought sociopaths were serial killers and rapists. You know the hype I'm sure. Yeah, all too familiar.

Let me start by saying everyone wear's a mask, but not like I can wear one. I started manipulating people in first grade. I got my first grade teacher fired from her job, because she didn't like me. I got the kids to hate her, their parents, and my parents. I had the kids feeling like they were in a sweatshop of classes. So much homework there's no way to finish it, I said. The kids all agreed of course. The parents followed suit. It was to long ago to remember the course of events exactly that lead to her getting fired, but I remember how powerful I felt. Ha, I love it. Firing teachers is like a teeth-cutting activity for sociopaths, it seems. I didn't start getting teachers fired as early as first grade, though. That's pretty impressive.

My schools were a series of fights and illegal activities after elementary, till I was expelled from the entire school district in 10th grade. I started selling drugs and was (and still am) in a gang. I went to the hall (juvi) and got on probation. I got detonation of a explosive at 14, assault with a deadly weapon at 15, at 16 I got sales of explosives on school property, and was charged for arson at 17 but it was dropped for lack of evidence. My folks still think I was innocent on all counts. At 19 I waz arrested for trying to attack a aryan nation meeting with a improvised timed inciendrary. I ended up doing three years in prison when all the cards were down. Nice rap sheet. No wonder people were jumping the gun to diagnose you as a sociopath before you were technically old enough. But this highlights an interesting point -- psychologists don't diagnose until 18 because they don't want to misdiagnose people for things that just turn out to be tempestuous teenager-type activities. But sociopaths act like sociopaths from the beginning. You're a great example of that.

Sociopaths advise sociopaths (part ii)

Conversation with thunderball continued:

I'm not as violent anymore, not even close. So I guess I have mellowed out in one way. You said my first priority is to think what questions I am trying to answer. I guess these are the questions: Am I really a sociopath? How does it benefit me? How can I exploit it? Why do I feel like my development has stagnated? Why do I feel like I have extraordinary power but cant tap into it? Why do I think it may be a lack of focus holding me back? How do I get that focus? How do I overcome my doubt?

I guess ultimately I want to tap into the success I see, but feel like I'm stuck down a well. I can see the light of success at the top, but my surroundings are dark and cold. I need to feel and climb my way out. Does that make any sense?

I think you are right. I am bored. I'm resorting to the quick fixes you listed, no doubt. I think I need focus and direction. I need to force myself into a self improving routine and do what I want outside of that routine. Does that sound right? I know this sounds stupid, but I'm being honest just for now. After I talk with you I'm going to stop reading up on psychology and move onto other pursuits. Focus on what I think is a good routine, to improve myself, so my exploits become more exacting and I can gain better control of myself. I need to bring to an end the exploratory phase of my life.

Feel free to put this on your blog. I don't really care if people know my thoughts. Hopefully it will help more like me and make all the others cringe.

My response:

Yeah, I think at least some of your feelings of greatness are more a product of the disorder and not all based in fact. Not to say that you aren't great, but we as a group are prone to delusions of grandeur. For instance, I have always felt that I am a superhero. Even the way we describe ourselves reflects this, like one recent commenter referring to himself as the Hulk. That's just the way we feel about ourselves, the language that we find most appropriate to describe how it feels to be us. I think part of it is because we tend to have excessive amounts of serotonin, and part of it is because we have a low fear response. So we're overly confident and fearless. And part of it may be that we really are different from everyone else in really great ways. But I understand the feeling of being destined for greatness. I feel the same way.

If we feel this way about ourselves and we notice the world sees us as being only ordinary or even below average, this can create cognitive dissonance. One way sociopaths try to resolve this dissonance is to think less of the empaths amongst them, sort of a who-cares-what-they-think-they're-all-idiots-anyway. Empaths have their flaws, but assuming all of them are idiots is disingenuous, inaccurate, and ultimately will keep you from learning from them, about them, or interacting with them effectively. The better approach, I think, is to challenge assumptions (your own and those of the empaths around you) about what constitutes success and achievement. Even your new questions reflect ambiguity regarding this. For instance, what would it mean to you to be able to tap into your power? What would that look like or feel like? Why do you think your development has stagnated? What are you hoping to develop into? And what do you mean by tapping into the success you see? What is this success? The "success" of empaths that you see? The getting along with people at work? The climbing up a corporate hierarchy? Is that success? I mean, maybe it is for you. Again, I understand the feeling. You probably have felt a natural dominance and superiority over people since childhood. Maybe you have plateaued, or maybe you have even slipped in this skill. You're like a naturally talented athlete that has faced your first few failures or real challenges. Maybe you'll move on to a different sport or activity, or maybe you'll buckle down and become an innovator, trying to take your game to the next level. Obviously you are looking for something. You feel dissatisfied, you feel like your growth as a person is stunted, and you have resorted to quick fixes to assuage your feelings of ennui. Quick fixes are nice because they are immediately satisfying, but they typically are not sustainable (alcoholism, drug use, gambling, thrill seeking, etc). So it's great that you are trying to find answers to your questions. And there may be several answers to your questions or more interesting questions that you'll discover, and maybe you'll find fulfillment just in learning more about yourself through a cycle of finding and answering questions about yourself, life, etc. But whatever it is you choose, I just think you really need to think about what exactly you are looking for before you bother going out and finding it.

You'll have to keep us updated.

Best,
M.E.

More on fear

We've sometimes talked about litmus tests for who is or is not a sociopath. I think I suggested once that you can present the suspected sociopath with a moral Gordian knot and watch how insensitively he responds to the situation. My recent experiences have led me to believe that low fear response can also be a very good way to determine whether someone is a sociopath or not.

Bungee jumping seems to be an adrenaline rush for a lot of people. It wasn't so for me. I guess you can credit my unnaturally low fear response for that. As people got up to jump before me, I was awed at how fearful they looked. I found myself studying the signs of their fear, like trembling hands or a catatonic gaze. I should have known that I was expected to act the same way and that there would be awkwardness if I didn't. There is apparently nothing creepier to a group of friends or strangers than for them to get absolutely panicked about jumping, only to have you look positively gleeful taking the plunge. Well, gleeful and at least a little anxious about the expected discomfort of being slung up and down by my ankles. But fear? Not so much. Word of advice to sociopaths: if you ever go bungee jumping, do not get the video recording. For some reason your lack of fear is more apparent in a video seen by disinterested parties than it is in real life. You don't want to have to answer awkward questions. And for the future, I am going to practice my fake fear reactions. I apparently need a lot of work.

Sidetalking sociopath

The thing I like most about the existence of Dexter as a television show is that it is so widely-liked (congratulations to the makers on their recent emmy nominations). This makes talking about sociopath issues without outing yourself very easy. I understand that some sociopaths are incognito, even amongst their friends and family. I myself am pretty out, and am always looking for others to bring into my inner-circle, which is why I am so happy about Dexter. It makes the perfect feel-someone-out-about-how-they-would-feel-knowing-that-their-friend/significant-other/family-member-is-a-sociopath conversation starter. After someone has told you they like it, you can query relatively harmlessly why they do. They may say that they love Dexter the character, or have respect for him, and you can follow up with what exactly it is about Dexter that makes him so likeable. Obviously he does bad things and at the very least has bad tendencies that he has to deal with. Does the way he deals with those tendencies somehow make up for his deficiencies? You can ask if they think he is an accurate portrayal of everyday sociopaths. Does this person believe that sociopaths like Dexter live in real life? Why or why not? If they are doing well so far, maybe ask, do they think that they have ever met a sociopath and not known that the person was a sociopath? If they start getting suspicious, back off. If they start asking you why you like Dexter, say, "Oh, just the same reasons you said." There is a lot of information to be gleaned by sidetalking about sociopathy this way. I'm trying to think of what would be a good analogy in a non-sociopath realm... being in the mafia and talking to people about the Sopranos? Being a spy and talking about Burn Notice? Being gay and talking about Queer as Folk? Being an ex-African warlord and talking about Hotel Rwanda?

Vacation

While I am gone, here is a question you might enjoy answering: do sociopaths who know they are sociopaths have a duty to warn those around them? Does it matter if it is a friend? Someone you are dating? Work colleagues?

Sociopaths advise sociopaths

Convo with thunderball (my responses in bold):

Hello M.E.,

I sometimes post as thunderball, george cromwell III and anonymously on your blog. I find what you write on there very intriguing. I am still very much trying to find myself or even decide 100% if I am a sociopath. I'm at the 80% point but still am trying to finalize my thoughts. Sorry to try and corner you on your blog, but I found it odd you didn't respond to anyone. It became a challenge to try and get you to comment. As you can see from my comments I've been very extroverted and narcissistic in my actions on your blog and in life over the last few years. That's interesting because the traditional wisdom is that sociopaths mellow with age.

I was far more introverted in my teenage years, perhaps more thoughtful in my actions. Mind you, I was violent as a teenager, as I felt I could get away with it. I also stole quite a bit and was very manipulative. To the point now I don't have any contact with people I was friends with at that time. Dare I say they don't want any contact with me. I've tried to get in contact due to curiosity, but most didn't respond through facebook, and the ones that did kept their distance even then. Yeah, I have a lot of old friends who I know would hate to be back in contact with me. I don't even bother trying. I know some of them have very specific reasons, and I suspect others just get a general bad vibe.

Sorry for the rambling, this is as much me trying to organize my thoughts as give you some background. I find myself very manipulative at work. In the past I've had a strong push to pit people against each other and after years of doing this I think I have a reputation for this among some of the employees. Ever since then and because of this I've become much more open about my dislike and manipulativeness, ultimately to my detriment. I haven't lost my job or anything, but I've become ineffective in going anywhere in the company and ineffective in controlling what those around me do. I feel like I've lost a lot of the subtlety and well thought out thinking processes I used to have. To be honest I feel ineffective and not very bright. I've pushed the limits without regard to consequence. Yeah, one of my most tempting impulses is to disclose who I really am to people. Bad idea. I used to be very reckless with my identity. Luckily I was able to learn vicariously through work experiences what a bad idea that is, and how much harm can come from that. Instead I try to provide myself relatively safe outlets for self disclosure, like this blog.

Anything I've written here is really just a summation of what I feel are failures and poignant examples of how ineffective I have been so far in my life. I guess I want some stability to some degree so I will be more enabled to do what I want.

Have you found this to be true of yourself? Have you gone through a period where you pushed the boundaries and let everything fall apart? Yes, when I was younger especially, particularly when i felt very conflicted about my identity. I couldn't distinguish well between the mask and who I really was. Either I would overestimate the power of my mask to conceal my actions, or I got so disgusted with the mask that I threw it away and just indulged my every evil impulse in plain sight. To avoid this, there needs to be balance. There needs to be a certain amount of honesty with even strangers, like half masks, otherwise the stress of deception is too great -- you lose touch with who you are. The key is finding the outlets for self-expression that are the least destructive to your chosen lifestyle.

I even feel like what I have written above lacks a certain subtlety and sharpness. I am doubting myself right now in a big way. Hence the 20% of me questioning who I really am. Wouldn't a sociopath not care? Sociopaths probably care more than most. We pretend so much, we have to wonder what is true and what is fake.

I feel like I lack a certain confidence. When put into the mix of people I exude confidence, but when I think about things later I pick conversations apart. I try to improve on my interactions but ultimately I see all the little and big flaws in myself and actions. Have you experienced this? Yes. Professional performers are the same way. When you are up on stage you have to stay very in the moment, being a showman. Afterward you can self-criticize, but not during. If you play a wrong note, sing a wrong lyric, trip over a joke, you have to keep going -- push it immediately out of your mind. You'll just make it worse if you think about it. That doesn't mean you have or don't have confidence. What is confidence anyway? It seems like it is just an ability to compartmentalize, to say to yourself, there is a time and a place for questioning, and it is not now. Arrogance is when people never take the time to self-question. Timidity is when people never take the time to act.

People tell me I come across as extremely bright and communicate well. I don't really feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed about this, just agitated more so. I used to feel deep depression years ago, but it all just disappeared at one point. Poof, gone. Has this happened to you? Yeah, I can get blue, particularly seasonly. I used to get depressed all the time around my birthday. Birthdays used to be reminders of the horrible person I thought I was. Once I confronted myself, and was able to acknowledge there are good and bad parts about me, and that mostly I just "am," I got over the depression. I know I have to reset in a way, but don't really know how. I don't want to quit my job because I get good medical and pay, but it's going no where. I would love to cast off all the people I know now and dissappear into a new life, become someone different. I just can't bring myself to do it. Too costly, too many sacrifices.

A shift in focus can go both macro and micro. If you feel like you're not seeing the forest for the trees, sometimes the answer is to take a step back and focus on forest. But sometimes it is better give up on seeing forests and instead take a step forward and focus on the bark or leave structure of a particular tree. Do you know what I am saying? Big changes are very risky (which is why they are overly appealing to sociopaths). And there is little guarantee that they will make you happier. It is much more likely that picking up an additional hobby that you enjoy or otherwise making small improvements to the quality of your life will increase your overall sense of well-being.

From what I've written here and on your blog what is your view of me? Do you need more info to come to a conclusion? Feel free to ask any questions. I'll answer honestly because I am really looking for some answers. I think that you mainly sound bored. Not surprisingly, boredom is a constant plague of the sociopath. A lot of sociopaths self-medicate for boredom by resorting to quick fixes -- creating chaos, destroying people. These tactics don't work as well when you have become as established in the normalcies of life as you have. Posting comments on the blog can be entertaining, or at least you seem to enjoy engaging people in relatively meaningless altercations, enjoy provoking people, and enjoy trying to manipulate people. It's also relatively harmless since no one knows who you are. I guess that is the magic of the internet. But in regards to your claim that you are searching for answers -- to what questions? From what you have written here, writings that you have described yourself as "rambling," "lacking sharpness, " characterized by "doubt" and "questioning," it seems like your first priority is to really think exactly what questions you are trying to answer. Once you do that, I think you will find that the answers will soon follow.

Thanks ahead of time for your response and I do really appreciate your blog. Its helped a lot. Of course feel free to post this on your blog and any other interactions we may have.

Thanks again.

Casual encounters craigslist experiment

This seems like something I would do (not suitable for work).

Self-awareness

People say they want to hear more about me, but very little of my life is interesting, and not everything I do is straight out of the pages of a sociopath handbook. So it's hard to know sometimes what to write about myself. I have some people who say that I am not even a sociopath at all. This may be true. Certainly not everything I do is sociopathic. And I find it interesting that so many of my readers who are wondering if they are sociopaths will bring up little examples of normalcy, like crying at a sad movie, as proof that they are normal. I have moments like these too. Back when I was self-deceived, I would fixate on these moments and ignore any seemingly contradictory moments, e.g. moments of unfeeling rage. I would say to myself, how could I be a sociopath? I love my family. I am a helpful friend. My heart has been broken (how could my heart break if there was no heart to break?). Consequently, I am not a sociopath.

When I started embracing my true identity a little more, I wanted to be as honest with myself as possible. I knew that through unflinching honesty about reality and hard work, I could inch myself to happiness or whatever else it was I wanted in life, like a prisoner carving his way out of a concrete wall with a makeshift pick. Honesty is the key here, because without knowing what the world truly looks like, without knowing who I really am, anything I do, any project I undertake would be nothing more than a gamble -- a guess. I didn't want to be playing roulette with my life and my happiness -- I at least wanted to be playing poker. One result of this dedication to honesty was that I tended to more readily accept the explanation that painted me as an inhuman sociopath, a cold-calculating monster. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to fool myself in thinking I am better than I am, more in control than I am. But that presumption can be just as damaging. Let's say I am very disappointed by a change in plans, a shift in a relationship, someone's rejection of me. Instead of acknowledging and really feeling my disappointment, my brain tries to come up with a nefarious reason that I might feel this way -- maybe it is because they have disrupted one of my schemes, maybe it is because now my future predictions will be wrong or there is wasted effort, maybe I'm just selfish. It is very difficult for me to acknowledge that i am just disappointed, that I have had an emotional reaction to something that has happened in my life. Acknowledging emotions can be scary for me (I don't really understand them and i think they cloud my judgment), but worse is to not acknowledge them and just assume I am being rational all the time.

So self-awareness is hard. There's not really an option of erring on the side of safety when making assumptions about who we are and what our motives are. We just have to be constantly vigilant about what information, from both external and internal sources, we accept as truth and choose to rely upon in our decision-making. Because if knowledge is power, then what is misinformation?

Prototypes and archetypes (part 3)

I know some of you hate email exchanges with empaths, but I don't care. They're interesting because they force you to see yourself through someone else's eyes, and that is always enlightening. My responses are in bold:

I can't thank you enough for putting your time and energy into giving me your insight, that is really an incredibly selfless and generous thing for you to do, to really take an interest in people and their problems - just thank you, thank you, thank you. A couple other things that strike me as contradictions - if i would ask him in front on his friends if he needed something, like a soda, he would get mad at me and tell me i baby him, but then on another occasion he would fight and ask me why i never yell at him to whip into shape, like tell him he's being irresponsible and he shouldnt go to the bar but instead stay home to study for a test. I would tell him that it wasnt my job to do that, that that seems more like treating him like a baby than anything else. If he is a sociopath, why would he ask to be "controlled" like that? consistent with my thought that he is conflicted, feels out of control himself, wants to stop feeling that way, so wants help from you to help him manage his behavior. Babying him could make him feel even more out of control/vulnerable. It's fine for him to admit himself that he has issues and needs help. It's not fine for you to suggest independently that he is needy and out of control because it freaks him out even more--headtrips him.

Also, one time I asked for a kiss (not that I had to ask everytime, ha, just that he wasn't easily accesible at that moment) and he said "why would you ask? thats why youre so weak and have no power in this relationship, if you want a kiss, just take a kiss" - again, isnt that giving up control? He wants you to be strong, take what you want from him when you want it so he can pretend that you are a strong person that is with him because you want to be, not because you are needy, weak-willed, or feel somehow pressured to be. If you don't act that way, then it is just another reminder to him that he will destroy you eventually, and that you are an unwilling victim. Harder for him to justify being with you then.

(Maybe those are stupid examples, but they just popped into my head). He's said that something about me, without me even doing anything, just makes him become irritable and in a bad mood, like he can feel his blood start to boil, but im the only one that does that to him he doesnt treat anyone else like that. one time i came over to see him and he was in one of his moods and he said that he didnt know why, he wasnt angry before i got there, and when i leave he knows that he'll be mad at himself and all he'll want to do is be around me, that he doesnt want to be mean to me but he can't control it, but then if i left to let him cool off he would beg me to come back and would be loving and apologetic. And i guess you mentioned something like that in your letter, but can there be a specific person that makes your blood boil sometimes for no reason, but other times theyre the only person you like and need? And do you therefore resent them for the anger they make you feel and the moods they put you in? He's conflicted. I realize I keep saying that, but it's true. He's frustrated. You are both what he wants and a reminder of his deficiencies. You represent an itch he can't scratch, a thirst he can't quench. And you probably make it to easy for him to be bad, and get too hurt when he does. He resents you for both of those things.

My ex really does seem more content without me now, like he just doesnt miss me, doesnt really even want to talk to me or be friends. I know a lot of people feel that way when they end a relationship, but i guess its just so odd to me because after 2 years of back and forth, this one is most definitely final, and it seemed like without provocation from me, because we didnt even talk for a month, it very quickly turned into a true dislike for me and our relationship. It's probably not a dislike for you, per se. If I realize that a relationship isn't working out, it's driving me crazy because I can't be better, I'm always being bad, and it's hurting the other person -- so I'll just end it suddenly like that. Better for the both of us. It's not that I hate that person, although part of me blames them for not being able to help me out, pull their fair share of the load in the always fraught with difficulty sociopath/empath relationship. It feels like a double drowning. Can you really fault someone (empath) for freaking out while they're drowning and taking you down with them when you are trying to help keep them afloat? No, not really. That's just the nature of someone who is drowning. It would be like getting mad at a bee for stinging you. But can you blame that person for your own drowning? Yes, they certainly were the cause, weren't they, even if they couldn't help themselves. Double drowning victims just physically freak out and start clawing for survival. It's a natural survival instinct. People emotionally freak out in a failing relationship. It's just a survival instinct, but it's often not at all productive. When it starts happening, the best thing both people can do is to completely get away from each other. These things end in murder suicides.

This latest string of events leading to the breakup - wanting or needing to talk to me every single day while i was gone, visiting me, saying it was the best time he's ever had, that we have so much fun together, that he truly loved me, then abruptly breaking up with me a week after i got home, (the day after he said he wished he never said anything, he would have been happy to just to keep "trying" to make himself love me because he wanted me in his life, asking me if we could still be friends) to then never really needing or wanting to talk to me again, and now says that those 2 years were not particularly fun for him. Does it come that easy to a sociopath to just stop feeling good thoughts about a person and to have a genuine dislike for someone they once really "loved", or do you think maybe i am just trying to attribute what could be just a normal reaction of a person after they break up with someone, into something much deeper? He wanted to love you a certain way and he couldn't. Now it sounds like he is trying to blame you for not being loveable rather than blaming himself for not being able to love. The latter is the real truth, not the former. He may never acknowledge this in his lifetime, but that doesn't make it any less true.

I remember something else he said this last time we talked and i had made him feel badly about himself. He said something about how hard it is for him to rationalize what he does and how he acts when he's around me. he said that i am the only person that makes him feel like he's a bad person, and he hates that (although except for this one time that i actually came right out and said it, i've never tried to guilt him into feeling badly about himself or tell him he should feel bad about who he is), but he also agrees that i know him and his underlying feelings better than anyone. Right, he knows what is going on, in his heart of hearts. He just isn't willing to face the music right now. He's self-deceived, thinks he is great and worries he is a monster. Really both are true, but he just can't reconcile them in his mind right now, can't accept reality.

He said that he hasn't felt badly about himself and who he is in a month (since we last hung out) and he's felt great, and that he doesnt want to sink back into feeling how he was when he was with me. Yeah, I've felt this way about people. Think about it this way: certain people bring out the worst in you. Sometimes it is because they are a bad person, but other times it is because they expect too much of you. You try to be there for them, but you can't. You're constantly confronted with your failure. If you worked at a job where you sucked but no one ever fired you, would you quit? Or would you keep yourself and everyone else in misery and just keep trying?

I could understand if i made him feel bad by telling him what he did wrong all the time or putting him down, but i was really always supportive and encouraging to him, which he even got angry at at times. Is it plausible to think that its easier for him to ignore these conflicting feelings he has of himself when im not around, and has maybe transfered that into a genuine disdain for me and our relationship? Or again, am i grasping at straws here? No, you're right, it's easier to ignore his own inadequacies when you're not there reminding him of them. Like deadbeat dads who not only don't pony up the child support, they stop seeing their children because they are ashamed and the children are a constant reminder of that shame.

How to read people like a sociopath

A reader writes:

I'm sure you've heard your empath male friends talk about "psycho chicks" or "crazy chicks", and your female friends have probably complained about the opposite.

Do sociopaths have a knack for spotting imbalanced people, and know to avoid them, or if you're so inclined, are they just a fun game to kill time with?

Also, I've heard that sociopathic people are natural-born people readers. If this is true in your case, have you ever thought about writing a book on the subject? "How To Read People Like A Sociopath" would probably be a runaway hit, and if paying the bills is a part of the game.... lol

Thanks,

My response:

Interesting question. I've been giving it some thought. I have been told I am unusually insightful, and I feel like I do have a knack for spotting imbalanced people, but I wonder whether I'm any better at it than any normal person. I may be spotting some imbalanced people that you aren't and vice versa. For example, I have a hard time dealing with homeless people. I always start out treating them like any other person and then I am always sort of surprised when they start yelling obscenities at me or making inappropriate hand gestures. Even though I realize in my mind that homeless frequently = crazy, for some reason every time I see a homeless person, I always treat him like I would anyone else. It's almost as if I don't recognize these people as being in the category "homeless," and consequently a little mentally unbalanced. Instead my brain just thinks "stranger."

But there are a lot of seemingly normal bad guys that I can clearly see are egomaniacs or control freaks or extra-manipulative, or whatever else is their M.O. Sometimes I think it frustrates my friends -- I can be summarily disapproving of their other friends or the people they date. It's like I am a dog that just happens to hate a seemingly innocent guy, always barking and growling when he is around. Even I sometimes don't understand what it is about a person that is triggering my spidey sense, but almost always there is a lack of genuineness about the person -- inconsistencies in a person's actions vs. their alleged motivations.

I'll try to think more about how it is exactly that I spot these people. My first thought is that I am just so used to wearing masks myself that it is easy to see myself in other mask wearers. I wonder if that is a skill that can be taught. But if there is enough money in it, I certainly can try to fake it. :)