Death and fear

There was a recent death in my family, a close relative of mine. The family has been convening, making me wonder why there needs to be all of this effort over someone's death. I feel no grief, but then again i never felt emotionally close to this relative. It is making me wonder who I would grieve for, though, and I think there are only about 10 people for whom I would feel genuine loss at their deaths. And even with those people, as I have said and read before, the sadness seems to be more a feeling of personal loss than sadness for the deceased himself. Or is that how everyone feels? Sadness for their lack in your life. Which seems good enough, I guess, because it means that they had a significant role or impact in my life, unlike all these other relatives that I am interacting with now, for whom I feel nothing.

I have also been thinking a little about my own death. All my life I have felt todestrieb/thanatos, the death drive. Whenever I have been faced with death, I simply consider how bad it could be to die. Not bad at all, really. In fact there have always been very appealing things about death -- no more work, no more masks, complete and eternal rest. Plus my own spiritual beliefs acknowledge a life after death, an eternal existence of self, so death holds no fear for me. Maybe that is why I am so fearless in general -- isn't all fear just a derivative of the fear of death?

Prototypes and archetypes (part 2)

My response:

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. It's hard for me to know if he is a sociopath. It's always very hard and inaccurate to diagnose someone else third-person. There could be lots of ways to diagnose him. The most telling things in any diagnosis, though, are the things that a person says in reference to himself. For instance, his asking you whether you think it is possible that someone would not have a conscience, his saying that he does what he wants, or his saying he will fuck you over -- those are clear indicators of sociopathy because they show both his self-awareness and his acknowledgment of his irregularities. If he's not a sociopath, he is a completely self-absorbed asshole and you shouldn't be sorry at all if you hurt his feelings. If he is a sociopath...

Loving his mom and dog are not necessarily inconsistent with him being a sociopath. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world. I am also very sweet to her, always buying her things, giving her money, taking care of her, but I do not say things like "I love you," either. She's my mother. He's a source of unconditional love and acceptance for me, and is in many ways an extension of me, so it makes sense for me to maintain that relationship. Same with the dog for him, probably.

When I tell people I love them I really mean it in that moment. I told someone today that I loved them. What does it mean? It's a very childish, fickle infatuation. I also sometimes hate this person -- quite often, in fact. I feel like this person secretly judges me, and pretends to be all understanding without truly accepting me. I behave towards this person similarly to the way your boyfriend behaves toward you. On the one hand there are the moments of awe and affection that I feel for the person. On the other, there are the feelings of rejection, boredom, disinterest, selfishness, etc. that motivate other behaviors.

This guy seems particularly bad because he is so conflicted about himself. Although he may be unusually insightful and self-aware, he doesn't understand himself. He is probably both in awe of himself and fearful of himself. He seeks to control others because he does not feel like he has control over himself. He warns you that he will fuck you over not because he wants to, but because he fears/worries/knows that he will. His asserting that gives him the illusion of control over the situation when really he feels like he only has predictive power, not power to change outcomes. He says he does what he wants, but he's really just trying to own the fact that he does what his impulses direct him to do -- then play it off like it is all part of some master plan of his. His bravado in saying he "does what he wants" is his way of trying to pretend that he is making conscious, reasoned decisions in accord with his values and preferences instead of being a slave to impulses he neither understands nor can control.

I'm not surprised he is in his early 20s. Sociopaths are the absolute worst in their late teens and early 20s. They're the equivalent of teenagers with raging hormones. Late teens and early 20s start the sociopath's first real tastes of freedom and power, which they begin abusing like a kid on meth. Once it gets to a certain point of excess, and the first real, lasting damages to their lives occur, they will then withdraw for a period of introspection, which will last until they gain a certain level of understanding and self-acceptance. At least this has been my own experience and the experience of many sociopaths I have known. If he doesn't go through any of these phases, then he will stay as he is forever. But how could he? Really, it doesn't sound like his charmed life will stay that way for much longer.

He's not a bad person necessarily, but he certainly has the potential to be and has definitely been acting like one. Don't feel bad for allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. He will not change for the better until he feels like he needs to. He will not feel like he needs to unless/until his current modus operandi ceases to function.

I don't know what's up with his impotence. It could be that power/control is what gets him off, or that he has come to associate sex with things that you would consider abnormal. If he wasn't gaming you, or not as much as the other girls, it could be that his difficulty stemmed from the lack of power and control he felt in the relationship. But that's just a guess.

You cannot change him. He will not even change himself if he thinks for even a second it will work out with you without him changing. It may be that you have already communicated this sufficiently to him, i.e. that things will not work out ever between you, at least not as they currently are. His avoidance of you could be him sulking or trying to get back at you for this, or it could be his tacit acknowledgment (albeit not fully conscious) that you mean what you say and that he can no longer game you. I'm sure you would prefer it to be the latter, so feel free to think that way -- it's at least plausible. In any case, do not be afraid of hurting his feelings. Even if you did hurt them, he deserved it a million times over.

Hope this helps.

Prototypes and archetypes (part 1)

A lot of heartbroken empaths have been seeking answers from me recently. Not to downplay anyone's personal tragedy, but they're all essentially the same story. So I am hoping that with this extra long, overly detailed explanation of love lost and my subsequent responses, heartbroken empaths can learn vicariously through others and we can start answering questions in bulk instead of one-by-one. Not like I am not flattered by the interest in my expert advice, it's just that I feel like it's getting to the point where I should be charging people. Actually... not a bad idea. Maybe I could set up some sort of hotline...

I recently discovered your website and have been reading your articles from beginning to end. I would really love if you would write back to me and give your opinion on things because I'm driving myself crazy with my thinking. Two years ago I started dating a guy (we're both in our young 20s), against all warnings from his friends that he will not ever treat me well or never stop talking to his ex-girlfriend (let's call her k). During our first date, K called him, I could hear her screaming on her end, but he just laughed at her and hung up the phone without saying anything. Later that night when I asked how he felt about her he said "i don't want to be with her, that girl would marry me in a second, i could have her if i wanted to any time i wanted" then he told me that i probably shouldn't get into a relationship with him because he will fuck me over. My naivety made me think, well he doesn't know me yet I'll be the one to change this, he just hasnt met the right girl, and up to this point in my life i have always been very sought after by men and had great relationships where i always seemed to be the one with the upperhand. But he pursued me and I pursued him so we started to date. For the first 3 months we had a fun time, he would spend the night almost every night, although he seemed to have troubles being able to be "intimate" with me, most times it just didnt work. He would get angry and punch the walls and say this has never happened to him before and that he loves to have sex, would do it morning noon and night with his exes, and that i'm the only girl he's ever had a problem with, and then roll over and ignore me for the rest of the night, usually while i would be crying.

During this time he refused to stop talking to his ex, claiming she texts him it's not his fault, wouldn't take pictures of them down from in his room, but said they were just friends. (Some behavioral background on him is he has also complained of being depressed but when i suggested seeing a doctor or going on medicine he would say absolutely not, no way, he has a very pessimistic view of the world, he drinks almost every night, usually blacking out and often partaking in really stupid, reckless acts, like wrestling with his friends, but usually to the point of bloody cuts and black eyes, and he smokes weed every day. He can get set off by seemingly nothing and become irritable and mean for no reason, which he would usually take out on me since he said "well i take it out on you, i can't take it out on my boys", close friends of his would not tell you that he is a good person, i've often heard people say he has a way of finding their insecurities and then going after them, he can be downright cruel to his closest friends, but then flip a switch and be nice as can be. His friends do not have a high code of ethics and none of them have much of a relationship deeper than hanging out and partying or doing drugs. People are drawn to him because he is extremely charming and funny and at any given time the center of attention and life of the party. He doesn't have any ambitions in life, and has worked partime jobs but with little pride. He was the same with his school work, hardly ever studying or putting effort in, failed many classes and barely graduated within 5 years. Still his professors would often grant him extensions for papers.

He often says i just dont care about anything, i cant seem to make myself care about anything. He often talks about how important it is to have control in relationships and that things will always go his way) Sometimes at parties he would distance himself from me, but if i didn't pay enough attention to him he would become angry with me, if we were out with his friends and i would be laughing with them he would get moody and when we would get home later he would say "i dont feel special, you can laugh and have fun with anybody, so what's the point of being with me" He never gave me an outright compliment, probably called me beautiful 1 time in our whole relationship, and aside from 2 times he got me flowers when i got home from trips, and a birthday present, he did not do much for me, most meals i paid for because i volunteered and said i wanted to, which was true at the time. 3 months into our relationship he gave me a beautiful handmade present which in it said "i hope what we have, whatever it is, keeps on going". Less than one week later he said he wasn't feeling it and stopped talking to me. That night he had k spend the night and i ran into them together at a club he knew i would be at, he did not seem a bit faltered and kept on happily dancing with k while i left the bar. two weeks later he told me that i was really the one he wanted to be with and he had made a huge mistake, after some reluctance, and since it was the first time, i gave in because i still really wanted things to work with him. 2 months later the exact same thing happened, he just stopped returning my calls or texts, one night he asked to come over when he was drunk and tried to sleep with me, his reasonings were always "you want to do it, why deny yourself something you want to do, you want to sleep with me", we ended up getting into a fight. i kicked him out. During this particular break he started dating K again, but later claimed his facebook status only said "in a relationship" because she got on his account and changed it. I was told that he would say things to K like they were going to get married, but then lo and behold 3 weeks later he came back to me BEGGING me, all over me, absolutely relentless, telling me he could see himself marrying me and that i would make a great mom, etc. etc., and again i took him back.

We would often have fights over him ignoring me at parties, treating me poorly, flirting with girls, etc. When i would leave crying he would never console me, if i asked him to come talk to me he would say "no way, im partying with my friends", most times while i was crying he would laugh at me and tell me i was being crazy, and i found myself always doubting my own thoughts, thinking that i was in fact being irrational. He would later admit "no you're not the irrational one, you never do anything wrong" when we werent fighting. During one particular fight i asked him to leave my apartment and he refused i was so upset i threatened to call the police and he just laughed and called me crazy and said im just going to sleep right here on the couch.

There were many times he would lie to me i came to find out, and sometimes would deny things that i had proof of - in fact during one break he walked up to me with a hickey on his neck and when i told him he had a hickey he said "no i dont" completely serious, another time i saw a girl kiss him on the cheek and when i brought it up to him he laughed and said that absolutely did not happen, he was so convincing i actually doubted what i saw with my own eyes. When he was in his good moods we got along great, we laughed all the time and had a lot of fun together. He would often say that i was the perfect girl, and that he knew i was the one for him, i knew him better than anybody. This cycle of relationships went on for almost a year and a half, his sudden lack of interest, then the insatiable need to have me back. His friend even said that he was really upset about it and pleaded for his case, which means he was showing sadness towards him about it which i would expect a sociopath to do. When i would ask why he just wouldnt leave me alone he would say well im always going to treat you the same, when i see you i wanna kiss you, im going to do what i want.

He would not often tell me he loved me, usually while he was drunk. He would get irritable with me but tell me he didnt know why, that he doesnt want to be, but he cant control it, like i just set something off him that made him want to be mean to me. He would tell me that i cared more about the relationship than he did and that i could do so much better, but would never peacefully let me pursue that option.

At this point, i have lost my two closest friends due to my deep depression i suffered from because of my insecurities caused by him and that they no longer felt they could support me, my family hated him and i had to keep that i was seeing him a secret from them. After the last break, which was about 2 months long, at about a year and a half in, I decided to move because i was so severely depressed and could not seem to rid myself of the problem. One week before i left, i ran into him and told him i was moving, he cried and said he didnt realize how much i meant to him, that i made him breakdown and he couldnt handle it and the next week was full of "i know ill see you and well be together again" "we can get a cabin and live together later on" "this isnt temporary, blah blah blah" and i received a sober and heartfelt "i love you" everyday that week.

After I moved he pulled away after about 4 days, [but then visited], said how he knew i was the girl for him, and cried when getting on the plane. For the next week he was completely lovestruck with me, calling me his girlfriend and i heard from his friends back home that he had been talking about how much he loved me and how much fun he had. However one week later, the hesitation in calling me his girlfriend came, as well as "you're not moving back just for me right?" (which seems like an attempt to look out for my best interest?) but along with that also the assurance that things will be different and that he wouldnt hurt me again like he had in the past. When i moved back 3 weeks later things were great for the first couple days, and i remember him saying my favorite person is back, and how much fun he has with me and so on. However 1 week later he became irritable towards me and then at a party later that night when he was drunk and i asked him why he was acting mean towards me, he said he wasnt he was just acting like i was nothing, when i further said well you cant treat me like nothing, im your girlfriend, things really exploded. He told me that he was thinking all day how things didnt feel right with us, things have never felt right, he has never been in love with me, that i had to have known and that i should have expected it because he told me the first date we had he would fuck me over. he said that sometimes he did feel strongly towards me and wanted to be with me and when he said those things about loving me he meant them in the moment and other times he just absolutely didnt feel that way, that his feelings were never constant, and said i couldnt blame him because he told me not to come home just for him. He left me in the yard, dry heaving from crying so hard. When i came to talk to him the next day when he was sober, he tried to deny everything at first and say he was just drunk but eventually confirmed what he had said the night before. When i called crying later that night saying because i really needed a better explanation for why he would do that to me he said he didnt have one, he didnt know what to tell me, all the while holding conversations with his friends in the background, he said he was goign to go watch a basketball game, hed call me back, and then hung up on me. When he called me back an hour later, i said no forget it, i'm done and he just said "ok" and hung up. he did not call me until a week later when i received a call from him at 5 am because he just wanted me to know he graduated school - he just thought i'd like to know.

the next night when i saw him at a party he didnt say a word to me. A week later we met up because i needed to talk to him because i was really taking it hard and i didnt understand how things had transpired. he told me that he had never been attracted to me and that the whole time it was just that he thought it was what he wanted but something was missing, that he tried to make it work because he wanted to like me but we just never had the chemistry. i asked how he could treat me that way and he asked me if it was possible for someone to not have a conscious. but also said that he didnt think he was a bad person and he didnt really do anything wrong. He also said hes not sure if he'll ever be able to love someone (and in the past hes often said im never going to get married or if i did marry im going to get a divorce). He did not call me after that, and i could not understand the concept of someone needing to talk to you everyday for 2 months and then cut them out of their life like it meant nothing.

I saw him just yesterday after about a month and after i had been reading a lot about sociopaths and their behaviors. I kind of wanted to test him a bit, so i asked him a few things, like do you tell your mom you love her and he thought about it and said that he no he didnt but he writes it in birthday cards (he is very sweet to his mom though), and it somehow came up about how when his ex K was dating someone he made fun of him and she immediately dumped him the next day. i asked him if he purposefully knew when he was manipulating people or it just happened and he said that he doesnt manipulate people, theyre just happier when they do what he says, and then smiled and said but it is a fun game sometimes. He said that he knows hes hurt people but he also gives them some of the happiest moments of their life so it evens out. i began talking further with him, like why he does the things he does and how he acts, i said that i know him better and the reasons he does things more than anyone else, and he agreed with me, but then said i he knows he did me wrong and i have a biased opinion of him. He became irritable and told me that i make him feel badly about who he is and that he cant rationalize his actions when im around. he said that he could feel him sinking back into the place he was a month ago because i make him feel badly about who he is, that my goodness doesnt match with his badness. Then he said that he didn't like me and that i should leave. He texted me about 10 minutes later that he was sorry he went overboard its just that i make him feel badly about who is he and thats not something anyone enjoys, and then apologized for saying he didnt like me, that it was rude and he didnt mean it. However, he will not return my phone calls, and i am left feeling like i really hurt this person's feelings by making him feel badly about himself.

I'm just hoping you could shed light on this for me. There's things in his personality that dont match the characteristics i read about - he loves his dog more than anything on earth, he's very sweet and kind to his mother, and he could be incredibly loving and amazing towards me, and i have seen him do decent things for people. I've never seen him set out to destroy anyone i dont think, but rather he just has a complete disregard for others peoples feelings in order to obtain what he wants. Plus he did apologize for saying he didnt like me in his text and since he doesnt want to talk to me now it doesnt seem like that was said just to get something from me or manipulate me. I just wonder if i was really just simply an idiot because i wanted to believe he loved me so badly - for instance he would tell me i deserved better, or that i should move on - those are selfless actions to save me from trusting in him right, but i ignored them? It makes me sick to think that this entire relationship was just his inability to be attracted to me or have that chemistry with me, like it's because of me - with some other girl he'll have the right chemistry and things will be great with them, and that the whole past year was him forcing himself to try to be attracted to me. I mean that would explain his problems with intimacy.

For some reason it was almost a relief to chalk this all up to him being a sociopath, like it was easier to deal with him not loving me if it was because he just couldnt love anybody. But now i just dont know. And on top of that i now feel like i hurt his feelings and i didnt need to make him feel like a bad person and i feel incredibly annoying because he wont call me back and doesnt seem to care to have me in his life at all, when by all accounts i shouldn't care to ever see him again. I cant tell you how much i would appreciate your honest opinion and insight on the matter. i cant believe it was so long, i had just never written this down before and once i started i just couldnt stop writing. I really hope to hear from you soon. Thank you so much for your time.

Who do you love? (part 2)

A reader writes (my answers in bold):

So I am looking for your opinion again... It has been a couple of weeks since I posted the original question to you. He has been non-stop in begging me to take him back under any conditions. Stop smoking pot, stop drinking, no more lies, etc. Classic behavior to wrap me back in. Yeah, he probably figures that the longer you are with him, the harder it will be eventually to leave him. So as long as he can keep delaying...

Admitting to how stupid he was, swearing he just went off the deep end when his wife left him 2 years ago and suddenly these girls (many) were interested in him and he was living the "guy" dream. Ha, or the sociopath dream. Power = excitement, which is a primary motivator for sociopaths. Having people want you sexually = power.

Used the same flattery on all of them. When we got together he was in the relationship with the married woman, telling her how much he loved her. Swears it was all pillow talk, swears he only wants me. He could have meant this sincerely, at least when he said it.

Told him he lies, I don't believe anything, I don't trust him and that I think he is a sociopath. He swears he feels things, swears he feels horribly guilty, hates what he did to me, blah, blah, blah. He's been back on Match.com looking for his next target. Told him the only way I will even consider allowing him in my life is to go to a psychologist and be tested for APD with me giving the psychologist all of his history. He swears he is going to do it, is off match.com and basically saying he is not going to screw this up. So.... Is this typical? Sociopaths can actually do rather well with clear cut instructions in personal relationships. I always tell my "loved ones," you have to tell me what to do, otherwise I won't know. If you tell me, I will do it. I know how to manipulate and control myself. Sure I may do horrible things, but let me make up for it by using my sociopath skills for good in the relationship.
I hear so much about how people with APD won't accept any responsibility, etc. so I don't know what to think of this. He may not go through with it and that will be the answer to my question. Right, I've heard that too. I mean, I am quick to justify my own actions and slow to think I did something wrong, sure. But that is partly because (1) I really do put a lot more thought into my actions than most people and so have readymade justifications at hand and (2) I have a different value system than most, I think different things are "wrong" and "right," and I'm not going to accept "responsibility" for things that other people think are "wrong" just because they say so.

I told him I have no restrictions, I owe him nothing, I can date, etc. but if he has any contact whatsoever with other women I am completely out until the stuff with the psychiatrist is resolved. What do you think? Could work. If it doesn't, what are you out?

99% of me wants to just have him disappear but it is very hard when someone is so adamant that they want you in your life and that they love you so much and want nothing more than to be the man you deserve and make you happy. Ha, yeah, we're charming.

Don't you get sick of us over emotional people?? lol Only when it turns into a hate fest.

I'm looking through you (part III)

Reader:

Hey. I'm so glad that you responded. Last night we were out with friends and he got drunk and stoned like the night I described in my first email. He started acted very "sociopath-ish" again(i e in the cab he told me that he hated being in a taxi b/c he wasn't in control because he wasn't the one driving), things like that...

He tends to pick fights when he's had some drinks so we began arguing, He is relentless and seemingly never grows tired of it. When he gets like that it's as if he could talk AT me for hours. On the other hand, I'm emotionally drained after these encounters.

After some fighting, I eventually just came out and asked him if he thought he was capable of loving me. He actually got furious (which rarely happens). And a little choked up. And his response was "Aren't I giving you what I need? I try so hard to give you what I need. I give you everything I have." My response to that was that I knew that he tried (I feel like he REALLY does) but what if I wanted to be loved? He said that he had what it takes to love, that he was in the process of getting there, and that you have to "work" hard to get what you want sometimes. I almost started crying at that point b/c as an empath you know that you don't have to "try" to love someone, you just do. It just happens. I think he desperately wants to be loved, TO LOVE and to have all of it.

I am definitely going to watch the movie that you suggested. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about sociopathy. I have no idea what I want from him, and I'm constantly questioning what it is he gains from me (I think it's the companionship, and also the sex). Part of me is telling me just to walk away, but as I said earlier, I think he is just too interesting, and I really do care about him.

You can absolutely publish this or my previous email. I would just prefer that you dont use my name...initials work or something. I would be happy to help since you've already helped me a ton. Thank you so much for responding. I was really happy to see a response today from you.