Saturday, November 7, 2015

Not caring to act like caring (part 1)

From a non-English speaking reader:

For a long time I haven't known about I am different from others. For example, if a friend's close relative dies, I always try to act like feel sorry for him/her. But, I thought it was normal and what everybody doing. Well, honestly I never thought about what everybody doing. I didn't care about them. That was all normal to me at least. Because I born this way.

Last year summer I was in some city, visiting my friend. His father is a coroner (I am in med school btw). So, his father asked if I wanna attend one of the autopsies. I said yes. 

Long story short, the guy was shot to dead. Young guy. His sister came in before the autopsy. She was saying something like "Get up my little brother, let's go home." and she was crying. But you know I find it kinda funny because I thought that "He is dead you idiot, How do you expect him to get up?". Well, I know actually it is not funny but it was to me. I've almost laughed at it. I slightly smiled at it so, I turned around and closed my mouth with my hand like feeling sorry. After that I realized something wrong with me. Not wrong actually but different.

So I started thinking about it a lot. I remembered some memories while I was thinking. I looked at internet about it. I read a lot about antisocial personality disorder. Remorse, irresponsibility, impulsivity, lack of empathy, conduct disorder bla bla... It fits perfect. So, I found that I am a sociopath. I like being it but the thing is I cannot stand pretending like I care. My tactic was just being sympathetic but I am right opposite inside. It is too hard to pretend for real. After I noticed it was not what everybody doing, it get harder and harder, day by day. People started to noticed something wrong with me (you are selfish, you are bastard cause you only care yourself, stuffs like that), one by one because I started doing it sloppy. 

The thing is, I don't want to have problems with people. It is just unnecessary but I can't do it anymore. I just try to do not interact with people but I am being the weird boy then, so I get spotted. You know people feel afraid from unknown. Then, that cause anger to unknown. If you don't talk to them you are an unknown. So, they are being hostile to me. 

I read a lot about sociology, psycology, some Dostoyevski books just to find how not to be spotted by them with the least touch. Still didn't find any solution. For now, I have to act if I wanna get some comfort. But I don't wanna fucking act a role anymore. When I communicate I see stupid things about them and it is fucking hard to be kind and act like they're cool, good friends or something. Or listen to them while they talk about their girlfriends/boyfriends, they are being strong because they handle so many difficulties bla bla bla... 

How you people endure this? I really need advice.

M.E.:

Your predicament is the predicament of all sociopaths and is probably the worst thing about being a sociopath. Can I publish what you wrote? People think that we wear masks just to manipulate and get what we want, but a lot of the time (most of the time?) it's because we have to, otherwise people will persecute us.

Just recently I was flying somewhere foreign. The flight attendants handed out the customs, etc. forms for our destination. I was familiar with this country, and knew that I would have time in line to fill out this form, so I planned to fill them out then. About halfway through the flight a flight attendant saw the forms on the seat next to me and asked me (only me) if I had filled them out. Why does she care? I said no and smiled what I thought was a friendly smile. She got irritated with me and demanded that I fill them out. Again, why does she care? But I know there's something about me that rubs people the wrong way, particularly psuedo-authority figures. The week before I got stopped and detained by a private security guard for nothing. A couple weeks before that, I got stopped and detained by the manager of an apartment complex of an acquaintance of mine. This has happened to me my whole life and as overt as this persecution is, there are dozens of little, less noticeable incidents that happen to me weekly.

But I'm so curious, why do you read Dostoevsky to figure out how not to be spotted?

(cont.)

22 comments:

  1. I am also a self-confessed sociopath. Luckily I have one really close friend with whom I can talk about it all. She helps me understand myself better and even keeps track of me. If I start to chase after something in my sociopathic manner she notifies me because she knows that I can easily get blinded by my own actions and easily get into trouble as a result.

    I just saw a friend who was really upset because her dog had died. My reaction: I wanted to laugh. I don't even know why. I like dogs but I just don't feel anything and I guess I was in a good mood. I had to pretend that I cared (which feels really difficult especially now that I'm aware of the fakeness of it). But the older I get the more I only have want to have people around me with whom I can be myself. If my best friend's (the one I described in the previous chapter) dog died and I laughed she would just understand that I do it because I am what I am.

    That said I think some people are hypocrites. Whatever your public reaction is you still feel the same way inside. But some people want you to cry when 'something terrible happens' even if you have to fake it because for them it's the one and only acceptable way to react. On the other hand I bet these same people would claim to be against lying but still they want you to lie because they cannot handle the truth.

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  2. I think there's no use for Sociopaths in this world today except
    "white collar" sociopaths. Most of the "high functioning" sociopaths are
    educated and female.
    There are also male white collar sociopaths, who work in entertainment, law,
    business and politics.
    The only "blue collar" sociopaths are mechanics (I just got ripped off by one.
    Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.) Alethes, some bad apple cops (Like the one
    north of Chicgago ) and soldiers.
    What was that saying by George Orwell? "The only reason we are safe, is
    because rough people do our dirty work for us in secret."
    Most people here aren't old enough to remember. But there was a "model"
    baseball player named Steve Garvey. He seemed like the All American guy.
    An impeccably groomed nice guy. But he thought he was blessed and "perfect."
    He thought that EVERYONE was jealous of him. In an interview he said:
    "Even in High School, I could detect the resentment of others,-the jealousy."
    He got into a fight with another team mate who questioned his "greatness."
    He couldn't tolorate any critism at all. The other team mate retracted his critism
    and cried like a baby saying: "Thank God for people like Steve Garvey..."
    Garvey didn't forgive him: "He said that I was inferior, inept.."
    Garvey's then wife in an interview said, "Don't be jealous of us, everyone has
    their own gifts of God.."
    Garvey had 3 girlfriends on the side he made pregnant. When asked about them,
    he said with typical aplum: "Oh, I'll take care of them."

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  3. It's like an extreme schadenfreude, that feeling of pleasure you take in someone else's misfortune, combined with relief that you are not the agent of the misfortune. That is why you are laughing. I know the feeling. If your eyes meet someone else's at the same moment who is like you, both of you will laugh until your sides explode. But you may find you are both laughing at completely different things.

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  4. M.E.'s twitter Always looks like she trying a little to hard to be an edgelord (and when you try to hard it looks really fake)

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  5. To pretend to care or not seems to be the question on the minds of many sociopaths.

    You pretend to fit in. So does everyone at certain times.

    I pretend I'm not angry when I am; I might pretend that I think you're Ok when deep down I wish we lived in different time zones. I sometimes pretend that what you've just said doesn't irritate me, and on and on. Why? I suppose I do it to keep things civil. (I don't care all that much about fitting in; I've never felt like I belong to any particular group because there's always some aspect of group-think I can't abide by.)
    For example: I love science but find most scientists very close-minded when it comes to metaphysics and mystical experiences. The mystics, on the other hand, are often completely closed-minded to science. So I'm always playing on the fringe of both groups. Which does little for my popularity.

    However, I'm not a sociopath. I don't have to fake sorrow -- faking being cheerful when I'm feeling sad is difficult enough. I do it for their sake more than my own because I'm keenly aware how my moods affects others.

    So I don't really know what to say to the OP, other than to try to find a couple friends with whom you can be completely open. I would not be horrified or offended if my friend didn't cry over my losses. I don't expect people to all react the same. Crying or being hysterical over a lost job doesn't make a person better or more human. I may not comprehend why you don't feel sorrow but it wouldn't bother me at all. I might even ask you to teach me how to detach.

    It's sadly short-sighted and rather stupid that we expect people to have a limited range of reactions in order to be deemed human.

    My friend once told me a line from a documentary about ugly people. The guy speaking was like those backwoods guys from the movie, "Deliverance." He said, "If you is ugly, be ugly. Be happy in you being ugly."

    That line has stuck with me.

    Mr. Hyde

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said, Mr. Hyde-I completely agree with you.:)

      Delete
  6. P.S. I also completely agree with you on your rats/bugs/spiders take-I am exactly the same way!!! Bugs, spiders, etc., enjoy feasting on me, more than they enjoy feasting on anyone else I know!!! I also like your take on "dancing at every stage until you drop".:) You are absolutely correct, that anyone can die at any moment. That's why it's important to live in the moment, and time is the most valuable commodity. I do believe there's life beyond the grave...

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    Replies
    1. Believe it and when you die you may suddenly wake up to find yourself in another universe, Anon. ;)

      Best of luck in your travels.

      Mr. Hyde

      Delete
    2. Best of luck in your travels, as well, Mr. Hyde.:) As a side note-a fly made it's way into my place, and is currently annoying me.:) I thought you'd appreciate the irony and humor in that.:)

      Delete
    3. P.S. Maybe I will see you, in the other universe beyond the grave.:) You can introduce yourself as "Mr. Hyde".:)

      Delete
    4. The band Creed's song "Higher" is a good one on this topic, in my opinion, if you want to check it out.:)

      Delete
  7. I´ve only read one book by Dostojewski so far, "Demons"
    The central character of the novel, Nikolai [insert russian last name], could fit the criteria for a sociopath. Or at least he shares some of the characteristic traits.

    The narrator describes him as an impression-making person (handsome, intelligent, charismatic, people envision him as a leading figure in the revolution taking place at the time) but then adds that Nikolai is a little too perfect:

    "You might say that he was a picture of beauty, but at the same time there was something repellent about him"

    He is manipulative, e.g. driving an 11 yo girl into suicide after raping her.

    He pays a fugitive criminal to kill his wife (an "apparently retarded [woman whom he married] as a sort of joke against his high society roots") and brother in law, because, well, he has to get rid of them.

    There are more examples which amplify his anti - social traits but ultimately I wouldn´t say that he´s a full blown sociopath.
    Because unfortunately, Nikolai has this one very tragic flaw: he feels guilt.
    While he isn´t feeling any form of regret during or shortly after his "demoniac deeds" he feels it very well all the other time.

    In the end he commits suicide. Not able to bear the guilt.

    Advice from Nikolai on how not to be spotted for your anti - social traits: Claim you are insane.

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  8. Does anyone else get singled out like M.E. mentions? It happens to me a lot. I've never been able to figure out why.

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  9. Yes. I have a similar problem. In the bohemian world I've been inhabiting I run into it with moralistic left~wing activist types, the sort of compulsive social joiners who appoint themselves informal ideology police.

    I ran this matter past a sociopathic friend. He said it's the way I walk and carry myself. When I walk into a room, my default poise says something like this: "I am a sovereign nation. I'm happy to deal with you with respect and niceness. I'm happy to listen to your needs and work with you. But I am the boss of me. I am a self-contained actor and make my own decisions." This really rubs people who need you to accept authority or feel part of a community the wrong way.

    And the problem is pretty much exclusively with petty authority. I think it's insecurity, in people who aren't very important but have small amounts of power over others which constitute their weak claim to ego and status. I don't have the same problem with immediately dangerous authority, like police officers, where survival pressures kick in with incentive structures to make me nice, middle-class, and compliant (this is a good thing for me given my versatile life history). I don't have the same problem with genuinely high status people, who seem to respect self-possession. Nor, for that matter, do I have these problems with ordinary people, with ordinary selfishness, who often appreciate social permission to be more selfish themselves.

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  14. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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