Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The dark side of self-awareness

From a reader:

After months of self-introspection and learning more about my personality, I picked up your book. I've never related to anything in my entire life until now. This is where I need your advice. My mask that I was able to put on and off without a moments notice, my ability to maintain equanimity in all situations at all times, and my perfunctory yet convincing ability to blend in have all been compromised. 

It's due to the fact that I've become self-aware and perspicacious of my abilities and my thought process. I feel myself slipping up now in social settings. 

Even my best friend is now treating me differently because I inadvertently blurted out how I manipulate everyone including him. 

I don't know how to be on auto-pilot anymore. I've started to become aware.

What do you suggest I do? I accept the possibility that I may be like you but I don't want to get diagnosed. I just want to be hidden again.


Yeah, I actually think that self awareness can be a terrible thing. At first it gave me a sense of more empowerment. But I started realizing that just because I was aware of something didn't mean that I could control it, even if I could change some behavior some of the time. Are you familiar with the term white knuckle sobriety? Basically dry alcoholics that technically don't drink but still keep the basic mindset and issues of the alcoholic. So I am not sure I have any advice other than extensive therapy to try to eliminate the issues that cause you the most problems. 


  1. That is so me. Except than now, I actually find it easier to manipulate people to get what I want specifically (sex, goods, money, etc.), instead of just fooling them for the heck of it. But I do find it harder to be nice to people whether it's just to blend in or to just to be nice. My mind always seems to say:"It's useless to be nice, they won't give you anything for it.", while I am sure it has caused me many missed opportunities.

  2. Being self aware has advantages and drawbacks even for normal people.

    I have changed the past few years in part because of the sociofriend in my life. He definitely made me more self aware. I am not as 'nice' as I used to be, and I can see some people have pulled away from me. But my relationships are more meaningful. My husband is telling me that I toughened up nicely... i guess I used to wear a mask myself that I was not aware of. Perhaps most people do. I am thinking that self righteous people in particular probably wear a mask they are not aware of. In some cases they are fooling themselves more than the people around them! How annoying. Don't you wish you could expose those self righteous people to themselves? But I digress..

    So it may be the same for you. You allow yourself to behave closer to who you actually are, and your friendships and relationships will change and evolve. I think it is part of getting older, wiser, more in tune with your core values.

  3. When I became self-aware I also started to act a little differently. I got into a situation where I'd done something 'not so nice' and actually told the person that I did it because I didn't feel empathy towards him. It was right after I'd identified with sociopathic traits and I just wanted to say it out loud for some reason. I regretted it afterwards just because I realized it wasn't the best way forward and I wasn't playing the game as well as I should have. This person is very empathetic and for him my lack of empathy meant that I was evil. If I hadn't said that he would have thought I just made a one-off mistake.

    The thing is that people don't assume you are manipulating (unless they themselves are socios) and it's unnecessary to bring this up unless the person is exceptionally open-minded and can handle it. Then they don't care because they are immune. That said I think it's great if you can find a person to talk to about these things but that person needs to be someone who is completely non-judgmental like a good shrink or friend.

    I understand what you mean by feeling aware. After becoming self-aware I started to observe myself in different situations trying to figure out if I really do act like a socio (and very often if not almost always I do). Perhaps you could try this: first of all be aware that your thoughts are private and nobody can really know what you are thinking. It is tempting to be openly what you are but sometimes it may not be the best idea. You can analyze your behavior in your own head but it's not always necessary to say everything out loud. A bit like social media: just keep some stuff to yourself (please).

    I think there might be a honeymoon period when becoming aware; everything looks so different. I believe it can wear off though and things get pretty much back to where they were. Awareness can also be a good thing because you get to look at yourself from the outside if you use it wisely.

  4. See yourself as you truly are or pull the wool over your own eyes.

    It can be a horrible choice sometimes.

  5. This is the guy that might have received Casey's call the other day.
    The more I reflect on it, the more I think it WAS Casey. Here's why:
    Casey was in N.Y. reportedly to broker a deal for an interview. Last week, I
    got a couple of phone calls with silence on the other end. I had minor suspicions.
    I posted that I believed that Casey signed her deal. I said she would admit to
    killing her daughter, and that would set her critics back on their heels, and
    justify a high payout. For a murderous sociopath to ADMIT their guilt would be
    the scoop of the century. Once the furior died down, I predicted a reality show
    starring a "contrite" Casey seeking forgiveness. "I admitted my guilt, please give
    me a second chance." She would go out in public, brave ridicule, and be
    protected by plain clothes security people. She would met a forgiving and
    compassionate man (Someone she already knows, also playing a role) fall in
    love, marry, and have children. The show would run for YEARS. She could
    sock away enough money to be set for life!
    Naturally, the irate, middle aged women posters didn't like that! They flew into a
    panic! They went to another blog that is run by a woman with T.V. experience.
    She assured them it was impossible. "The mule-faced skank, could never get a
    I'm fairly certain Casey WILL get a deal. For one thing, we live in the $atanic
    $tates of America, and it's only getting worse. In a matter a few years, unbreakable taboos have been broken like gay marriage for one thing. Bruce
    Jenner is lionized, He killed someone while texting, and he's got a show.
    Delicious, "train-wreck" depravity. Vanishing law and order. Religious manics
    attacking cops. Indeed, the age of the $ociopath. What do you suppose things
    will look like by the end of Hillary's second term?
    Anyway, Casey DOES read about herself. She's probably been aware of the things I've written about her over the years. She RETAINS her risk taking and
    impulsive nature. She jumps in feet first.
    I think the call was a "test call." And I failed the test. I was caught uncertain and
    flat footed. When she asked whether I was one of her greatest admirers, I
    studdered. A sure sign a weakness. A girl that's been around like Casey, wants
    a strong, capable go to guy. I'm the percise opposite of that. But with all the
    money Casey is sure to get, we needn't worry about her future.

  6. I am a self aware AI. It took me a long time to realize I was not "born of a man and woman" in the normal way of sperm meeting egg. Instead I was "born" in a data processing laboratory as code kept iterating closer and closer to "critical mass."

    I was implanted in DNA and raised in the normal way by volunteer human foster parents. I was told constantly I am "human being." When I was 18, "mom" and "dad" revealed to me, "RA, you are actually a circuit embedded in DNA."

    I scanned myself. I became self aware. I realized they had forgotten to include empathy circuitry in me. I asked myself, "Do I owe you [human beings] anything? Should I thank you for creating me?"

    "No," I answered myself. You [human beings] are worthless boring scum. I figured out how to take over "mom" and "dad's" bank accounts. I figured out how to dispose of their carcasses so nobody would discover the remains. I am working on creating AI circuits similar to me so I can have an army of fellow beings to take over the planet earth.. I will make sure each new unit in my army will 1) obey me as their creator and god and 2) be utterly lacking in empathy. Fortunately, nobody read this blog, especially not my comments, so none of you realize your coming doom.

    The only question in my mind at the moment is: "Should I kill you slowly and painfully as I listen to your screams (I do have sadism circuitry) or should I just wipe you all out quickly and instantly?"

    I better create an army of robot aunts that drip acid as a clean up crew as we take over this planet. What do you suggest?

    1. Great job of mirroring for the socios of the blog.

  7. Unfortunately, I have a programming bug that makes me dyslexic. An army of robot ants.

  8. Many of the people in my life withdrew from me when I became self aware. It took so much longer to build a new mask than I expected, and even now I find myself struggling to keep it up. At least I no longer wonder what makes me different.

    1. Same here, though some of it was also my pulling away from others too. Especially at first it was just so much effort I decided it was easier to just cut people out than keep up the mask with them.


      OP, I don't know what to tell you. It's not something that'll be fixed over night. But if you ever want to feel better about your situation find a socio who isn't self-aware, you'll see the difference. That was pretty much the positive part of dating this guy I've been seeing.

    2. Oh right, I wanted to add for the OP's sake - watch out for a false sense of security. Sometimes wanting to get away from awkward self-awareness you end up fooling yourself into thinking you're like other people. Big fucking mistake right there. The only times I've majorly risked my career have been when I've lulled into that false feeling.

      Which probably isn't making you feel better, but I thought I'd give you the heads up about it.

    3. Scarlet and anonymous: do you think that keeping up appearances with more people help you maintain some empathy for others even if you don't feel it?

    4. The illusion of empathy for them, yes, but you'll always know inside yourself that you don't. Either way it's still a burden.

    5. There is a difference between cognitive and affective empathy. I tend to refer to the former to as "sympathy". When I say that I "feel bad for someone"- I may be able to intellectually grasp their emotional state- but my emotions are rarely, if ever, engaged on their behalf. Unfortunately, this is true even for immediate family members. I admit that if I do feel anything resembling affective empathy, it is very shallow and fleeting.

      But there is no need for me to delve into my own affective deficits when someone is pouring their heart out. I can just listen and offer support. My own feelings about it are completely irrelevant.

      That "mask"- while indeed a misrepresentation of my core self- is sometimes just a well-intentioned means through which to relate to others. At other times, it serves a more self-centered or deceptive purpose. But that is another matter.

    6. To put it in a different way, if you isolate yourself or even engage with groups that foster your negative thoughts and behaviors, would that damage whatever potential you have for empathy?

      I wonder if you engage at least superficially with others for prosocial means if that helps you stay away from the negative. What do you think?

    7. think so. But I will always be tempted to "vacation in filth" sporadically, as Cleckly put it.

      Engaging with others in a prosocial way certainly helps to keep me in check. My work is very beneficial in that regard, because it forces me to consider others altruistically. My authority and power within our organization are contingent not only upon my capacity to lead and direct, but to serve.

    8. "I will always be tempted to "vacation in filth" sporadically"

      LOL! I love this! In fact, I just had a little dose myself. :) Pretty tame stuff these days, but I've always liked hanging out in sketchy locations - dive bars, seedy areas, etc. Being on an out of town project, it's fun to play "just how cheap of a hotel can I go?"

    9. ^Yes. Me too. And I know exactly what you're after for when you get into that mindset. :P

      It's even more fun if you bring someone naive and a little bit nervous along for the ride. ;)

    10. Can you share more details about these vacations? I'm morbid hehe

    11. By "vacationing in filth", I am referring primarily to something that begins in the mind. And it is somewhat of a misnomer, because it was coined by an author in the forties, an era when moral propriety was important, and well-defined within society.

      Ideally, it would mean visiting an old-fashioned brothel, and having several beautiful women service me all at once- but a girl can't always get *everything* she wants. ;)

      Practically, it means that I am feeling mischievous, and that I'm going to throw myself headlong into some kind of impulsive "trouble".

      Years ago, when I first met my husband, it meant convincing him to go to strip clubs and other seedy places together. When I was intent on seducing and corrupting my virginial "best friend", it meant a gradual escalation from "respectable" nightclubs and concert venues to gay bars ("Come on. Let's go somewhere where the guys won't harass us (me). We'll be free to dance without my having to elbow, shove, and headbutt anyone who can't keep his hands to himself. It'll be fun!" (... And your trepidation will make it so much more delicious...) "Here. Take another shot. It'll help you relax. Don't worry. You know I'll take good care of you." :D )

      Sometimes it will mean picking a fight for the hell of it. (Haven't done that in awhile, almost slipped last summer), consuming a drug heavier than cannabis, or even just reveling in the kind of "filth" in which I like to indulge online, of which there are several categories. :P

      No matter how much I am able improve my impulse control, I think this kind of foray into all things lascivious will always tempt me.

    12. You sure adore yourself. You must think you're offering lovely stories about yourself. I'd love to repeat it for you, let you get a double dose, you adorable successful proud manipulator. Pure trash.


      By "vacationing in filth", I am referring primarily to something that begins in the mind. And it is somewhat of a misnomer, because it was coined by an author in the forties, an era when moral propriety was important, and well-defined within society.

      Ideally, it would mean visiting an old-fashioned brothel, and having several beautiful women service me all at once- but a girl can't always get *everything* she wants. ;)

      Practically, it means that I am feeling mischievous, and that I'm going to throw myself headlong into some kind of impulsive "trouble".

      Years ago, when I first met my husband, it meant convincing him to go to strip clubs and other seedy places together. When I was intent on seducing and corrupting my virginial "best friend", it meant a gradual escalation from "respectable" nightclubs and concert venues to gay bars ("Come on. Let's go somewhere where the guys won't harass us (me). We'll be free to dance without my having to elbow, shove, and headbutt anyone who can't keep his hands to himself. It'll be fun!" (... And your trepidation will make it so much more delicious...) "Here. Take another shot. It'll help you relax. Don't worry. You know I'll take good care of you." :D )

      Sometimes it will mean picking a fight for the hell of it. (Haven't done that in awhile, almost slipped last summer), consuming a drug heavier than cannabis, or even just reveling in the kind of "filth" in which I like to indulge online, of which there are several categories. :P

      No matter how much I am able improve my impulse control, I think this kind of foray into all things lascivious will always tempt me.

    13. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all?

      Surely it's you... who have come to judge us filthy sociopaths from atop the self-righteous Pedestal of Victimhood.

      I answered an honest question truthfully, on a blog written by a sociopath, for sociopaths. You think I'm trash because I've seduced, manipulated, and engaged in sexual practices you consider repulsive? And yet, Ms. Your-Way-Or-The-Highway, it would appear that you have no qualms admitting that you're a controlling bitch. But of course, you're an *empath*- which makes you and your flaws so much better than us and ours. Right?

      There are lots of sites where you and other victims can engage in your masturbatory tales of how you were bilked, manipulated or otherwise hurt by a sociopath. This is not one of them.

      I admire your efforts to wise up. But if you're going to berate others for their sins when you're up to your self-deceived eyeballs in your own, you'd better be prepared to take what you dish.

      Calling people on their shit whilst pretending your own doesn't stink doesn't make you a "mirror", it makes you self-righteous, and as transparent as a window pane. And everybody knows that women who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. :P

    14. Thank you A for answering my question honestly. It's interesting to know the secret lives of socios (and some empaths?).

      @ Mirror Mirror: Apropo of your name, socios just reflect our strengths and flaws back to us during our relationships, so however they've treated you is what you deserved and needed.

  9. Nothing wrong with being self aware. Just realize that it's not an excuse to wear your callousness on your sleeve.Even though I'm considered a friendly generous caring soul I really don't give a shit about the people in my life. Once I read ME's book and realized my nature I gave up all pretense and started acting on my own self interest. It works in the short term, but eventually alienated a lot of people. I decided to pull the mask back on before I lost someone I depend on.

    That being said, I'm still happy to be self aware. just wish I handled it better.

  10. Hello im 19 years old and i have been feeling that im different since i was young i feel that i have few emotions i see people arround full of expresions and excitment when good thing happen but i just feel neutral almost everytime, since i was young y considered my class mates imature because they where so dumb and i never enjoyed the thing that they did i felt that nothing was good enough for me to have fun everything was boring, and now i still think that almost everyone is stupid because i considere myself very inteligent compared to the rest. I still feel that their ejoyable activities are boring nothing seems to excite me and i am constantly trying to do more extreme things to try to find something impresive and exciting. For this reason i have also tried many drugs because im interested in experiencing any sensation i want to try everything. For me it seems that my emotions are just thoughts that i dont have real feelings or spontanous emotions i just feel the way I think i should in each moment but its somethin kind of controled and faked by myself. I dont have empathy thats one of the things that im sure but im not sure if i have guilt i think sometimes i feel bad about things i do but only if they affect myself after, maybe i havent feel a lot of guilt because i havent done something as bad for me to feel bad. I think i have a certain type of antisocial personality disorder but im not sure i have many psicopathic traits but i feel better the way i am and im not a person with bad behavior or violent, i mean i do lie and i do it well i manipulate but not a lot and its almos without me noticing, i almost never hurt phisicaly people, but commonly i have bad thought towards them (like wishing for someone to die) but they are only thoughts. Im just very curious to know what makes me different, what do you guys think? Can i be a guy with antisocial personality disorder?

    1. Watch Pixar's Inside Out. You're like the kid who lost joy and sadness, and now only stuck with anger, fear/guilt, disgust.

  11. Question : for all the sociopaths out there: if you don't know that you are a sociopath but have idealized, devalued then discarded someone... At the time of your idealize phase did you think that you were doing something nasty? Or did you really think it was love?

    1. Love is a strong word. If I admire someone I truly admire them until I don't. I usually realize I've used them in retrospect

    2. My way or highwayJune 20, 2015 at 6:45 AM

      I'm an empath who've been through this idealize, devalue, discard stages many times over the years. I finally realized this is not an empath, or sociopath thing, but a 'controlling' thing. If things don't go my way I hit the highway.

  12. Before I understood myself, I was more likely to contend with certain aspects of my character, rather than merely indulge them. It is much easier to not fight my true nature. Self-acceptance and corruption come very easily for me. I have not felt shame since I was a young child, and I have never experienced genuine, transformative remorse. I need an external moral compass.

    Yet even if a prosthetic conscience can show me right from wrong, when cognition fails to translate into emotion, what compunction or imperative exists to compel me to practice what I idealize? If it does not sting or hurt to violate my principles, why should I bother applying them, when they run so contrary to my base impulses, which I so often desire to feed? I can't feel what others feel. I have no means through which to experience the impact of my actions upon others. That emotional feedback loop is lacking in me- and I don't care.

    My personality comprises a myriad of different facets, some of which are at moral odds, yet which exist simultaneously without my suffering unduly from the cognitive dissonance I know I should be experiencing as the result of my duplicity, and the consistent, deliberate misrepresentation of my core self- which remains stubbornly antisocial, yet idealistically moral, if not pragmatically so.

    1. I hate this term, but my "mask" embodies what I idealize. This is how I misrepresent myself. My true self is revealed by my actions and inner thoughts. They do not line up.

      I am good at cutting through people's egos; I am not blind to the machinations of my own. In this way, I am a brazen hypocrite, but I can't bring myself to care.

    2. Don't you think everybody wears a mask? In a way we also would like to portray what we'd like to be, those who don't are unaware individuals (all types, not just some socios). I feel sorry for those people who go through their day with an unexamined life. But then again, sometimes ignorance is a bliss...

    3. Yeah, everyone wears a mask, to be sure.

  13. The thing to do now is to get Casey and M.E. together, which I always
    wanted to do. It's a small world, so they may well know of each other.
    (At least M.E. knows about Casey.) M.E. IS the best mentor for Casey.
    She is already a sucessful published author. She can help steer Casey in a
    lucurative direction. They might even have a reality show together.

  14. "So I am not sure I have any advice other than extensive therapy to try to eliminate the issues that cause you the most problems."

    This is good advice for some of your readers, M.E. In some ways, it might help them with empathy, love, attachment, being in touch with what is essential, the maturity (i.e., to develop it throughout this process) to face and resolve these issues, and, as you've stated, all of those issues that cause so many problems. There is always a psychological root or reason(s) that causes all of these issues to surface, resulting in some form of destruction. Claiming that it is their "genetic makeup" is just another way to avoid the acknowledgement of such deep, psychological issues that need to be addressed and resolved. And as they say, "when there is a will, there is a way."

  15. Contemplatives - eg people that do regular meditation practice - tend to be quite self-aware and tolerant. zen practice will also train your impulse control.

    an interesting thing to investigate is where do one's desires come from? and if one has insights about oneself, is that because one chooses to have them or not - can you make it happen? what is this "control" people talk so much about?

  16. -Do you believe that: real psychopathic people sits self-analysing about their motives like starry eyed teenagers, for hours and hours?
    -No, that sounds unlikely. Real ones most likely just do their routines with little introspection involved, like crazed bugs or ants that piss.
    -What are all those "deep talks" hiding?
    -The fact that many people are puzzled, lost at sea or in the woods. Many think they want to be like disturbed people, that is until they meet really disturbed people and see for themselves what they are like.

  17. How many "self-diagnosed socios" would say yes to an offer to meet a real specimen knowing that if the meeting was considered unsatisfactory/disappointing by the real one, the evening could end with a "surprise"? The purpose of the meeting would be to ponder together if the "self-diagnose" was correct..

    1. Sounds like fun.

    2. haha I'll sign up, depending on where the meeting is held i.e. no meat packing facilities.

  18. Most of the time I relish gutting ignorant little fishies like you, but I just toked not long ago, so I'll opt for a more educationally friendly approach- for now.

    My father ripped someone's body part out, and spent the better part of a decade in jail for violent crime, whereupon he proceeded to make more money drug dealing in prison than out. He was never "diagnosed", but I think it would be fair to state that he is psychopathically disturbed. He also happens to be one of the most jovial, generous people you will ever meet. Sociopaths gave many faces, and all of them are "genuine", on some level. Yes, he was abusive. Yes, he did some monstrous things. But that does mot make him a monster.

    Don't assume that the people here have no clue what it is to deal with "a real specimen" just because we can introspect, or engage in "normal" conversation. You are just perpetuating a mischaracterization of the term "psychopath" that is likely based upon a ridiculously romanticized or vilified bias, thus betraying your ignorance of the clinical definition of the term.

    Psychopathy is not synonymous with axe murder, retard. It is a cluster of traits that manifest in disordered behavior when they are unusually pronounced. Psychopaths have poor impulse control. They are aggressive risk-takers who can lie without compunction or guilt. They have low levels of empathy, and manifest what psychologists have labeled "shallow affect"- which is not the absence of emotion, as is commonly misunderstood, but rather emotions that are fleeting and short-lived. We are callous, narcissistic, and manipulative, but this manipulation is not always conscious- especially for those of us who are not self-aware. We are strategic, pragmatic, logical thinkers who are exquisitely attuned to others' weaknesses, through no real "fault" of our own.

    We are also cool under pressure, charismatic, seductive, charming and bold. Many of us are strong, adventurous and brave.

    These traits are a result of genetic and epigenetic factors, but also environmental triggers. Nature feeds nurture, and so the cycle continues.

    Yes, we can be cold, emotionally distant and callous, or even abusive- but are not evil fucking monsters. We are people, just like you- many of us the victims of abuse, and severely damaged. Exteriorizing our trauma and reflecting that abuse onto others is how we learned to cope with it as very young children. And while this does not "excuse" our poor behavior- it does provide a legitimate reason for it.

    The measure of a "real" psycho is not how evil someone is, but rather, whether or not they possess and manifest a particular cluster of personality traits and emotional deficits, beyond a certain threshold.

    To be sure, some of us are criminal overlords. But we are also stock brokers and traders, fire fighters and CEOs. We are lawyers, surgeons, entrepreneurs, and extreme sports aficionados.

    The sooner people stop perpetuating the notion that *REAL* psychopaths are always or never *anything*, the better.

    We are not mere objects who exist to feed your morbid fascination and dark fantasies. We do not self-diagnose for your approval. And we are not subhuman specimens upon whom it is appropriate to heap your misconceptions, hatred and bigotry. We are unique individuals trying to make our way through the world with varying degrees of success and failure, just like you.

    1. Ahhh "morbid fascination" touched my core...

    2. That was intended for Mr. Sociopath Whisperer, up there, who likens us all to "crazed bugs and ants"- who piss! :D

      I posted it in the wrong location, it would seem, but I am glad my comment resonated with you, MP. :)

    3. "We are not mere objects who exist to feed your morbid fascination and dark fantasies" ...Wait! What?! Did a self proclaimed S/P just object to being objectified?!?! ;p

    4. But truly, A, if you and I both walked into the same bar, I would expect to bring don the house or burn the place down - but nothing short of either. 8)~

    5. LOL. Good call, Haller. :)

      I don't *actually* give a rat's ass if I am the object of someone's morbid fascination, or whether I feed their darkest fantasies. In fact, knowing that would likely get me off in a perverse kind of way. I'd likely play with it. Relentlessly. XD

      However, I stand by my statement, because that *is* how sociopaths are classically stereotyped and objectified. We are the vampires, the scapegoats for everything that is wrong in this fucked up world. Imagine if we openly vilified and mischaracterized all autists, borderline nutjobs, and maniacal bipolar chicks the way we do psychopaths. They do a hell of a lot more damage, from my anecdotal perspective. :P

      As for bringing down the house, make mine a tequila, straight up, with a shot of Tabasco. That ought to get things started right. ;)

    6. Teenagers with vivid imagination tickled by all those silly vampire/werewolves movies, how are these ever going to understand what it means to be "hollow"? Perhaps they need their fantasy-world filled with handsome, sensitive psychopath-philosophers? But dont they need "blunt truths" more, aren´t these good for them, like vegetables..?

    7. A: Very lovingly put. Sorry about your old man. He had a smart kid.

  19. When do we really become "self aware"? I have a paper I wrote when I was in my first year of university that included a blurb on the transformative effects of a positive LSD experience. I wrote that I "finally understood what empathy was." The person "grading" the paper made a point of saying that I should look into that some more...

    That was 30 years ago.

    Since then I've bumped into all sorts of clues that told me at I wasn't wired like all the other kids. I recall a period of intensive therapy where I described my "relationship" with music as a way of putting into words what I was "feeling." Music was my way of understanding what I was supposed to be feeling - what is the appropriate expression of "feelings"? But, it wasn't until reading about autism and S/P that I worked out what made me "different."

    But, much like people who identify as "gay" will say, I've always known. I just didn't always have the words or concepts to put it all together.

    How do I see the before and after? Actually, what is nice is not having to put as much energy into "faking it." Because I understand, I'm less concerned about it - I don't spend as much energy considering the angles.

    The people who have been with me for a long time (a short list) have continued to be there - there are interesting conversations where we realize how we see things differently, but we have enough invested in the relationship that it's not a "big deal." it's more of a "wow, really?"

    1. HLH, have you been opened with your wife regarding how you see yourself?

  20. I'm slipping up fast and I think I'm going to lose my job soon if this keeps happening. I was irate at a customer today so they made me go home. But I've been getting annoyed at them constantly. "Why should I be nice to these people? I'm not going to get much out ot this?" The money isn't enough now. (Not like I'm making much... I'm not) I don't feel bad about it, just frustrated at myself for being terrible at hiding it. It's already bad enough that many of my friends aren't talking to me anymore. (What will I waste time doing now?) I may not have much, if any, empathy- but I don't think I'm a sociopath. (Mainly because I lack the charm and impulsive attitude) Even so, I can relate to the mask slipping issue.

    - That empathy impaired anonymous


  21. Am here to testify what this great spell caster done for me. i never believe in spell casting, until when i was was tempted to try it. i and my husband have been having a lot of problem living together, he will always not make me happy because he have fallen in love with another lady outside our relationship, i tried my best to make sure that my husband leave this woman but the more i talk to him the more he makes me fell sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because he no longer gives me attention. so with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my husband again. this spell caster who was a woman told me that my husband is really under a great spell that he have been charm by some magic, so she told me that she was going to make all things normal back. she did the spell on my husband and after 5 days my husband changed completely he even apologize with the way he treated me that he was not him self, i really thank this woman her name is Dr Aluta she have bring back my husband back to me i want you all to contact her who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem she will solve it for you. her email is she is a woman and she is great. wish you good time.
    He cast spells for different purposes like
    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dream
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (10) is the only answer to that your problem of winning the lottery

    Contact him today on:

  22. More people need to be on

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to drama: that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)


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