Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My friend the sociopath

From a recent comment to an older post:

I have been best friends, and occasionally romantically involved with
a sociopath over the last 10 years.
He is the father to both my children.

I have always approached our relationship with honesty in everything.
I do not project my needs on him. I see him for what he is and I accept it.
I am bipolar. His limited depth of emotion has never bothered me too
much. I'm used to it from everyone in varying degrees.
How he thinks and feels....That's just how he does things, it's him.

What makes our friendship work, is that we both understand and accept
each other for what we are. We find things to base our friendship on
that aren't the traditional source of "love".
I value him. I enjoy how he thinks, how me moves.
I enjoy how he challenges me to think 5 steps ahead.
I have things I am better at than him, so I still have some power in
our dynamic, but he still wins most of the time. and that's okay with

He enjoys how unpredictable and chaotic my emotions, and thoughts are.
He appreciates the effort it takes, and my mastery of reigning myself
in. Even when I control myself to the point that most people don't
recognize when I'm bothered, he still picks p on my subtle cues.
We both struggle with blending in. We both struggle with this weird
sense of detachment from reality, where normal people march around
like robots.

We both have violent impulses with atypical motivations for not acting
on them. He finds violence to be inconvenient. I find it messy.
Both of us find those motivations to be much stronger than any guilt
we might have.

He grounds me when I get too whimsical.
I push him to strive for bigger, less obvious goals.
We both parent our children in a way that nurtures and challenges them.
They feel safe, but they are pushed to grow as people.

Even in bed we compliment each other.
He sometimes enjoys being violent, and I enjoy fighting him.
It's exciting to be challenged.

In everything, we push each other to think, to win.
And it's not clear very often who will win.

At the same time, I recognize what he is.
I know he needs space when he's bored.
I know when I am not entertaining enough for him, and I'm not offended
by it. Frustrated maybe, but that's just because I enjoy his company.
He always comes back eventually though. In the meantime, I am just
fine on my own. I don't like most people, and I prefer to be solitary
anyway. He is one of maybe three people, I actually want around.

Our relationship isn't built on love, it's build on mutual
understanding and acceptance. We work, because we've both decided that
the other one is acceptable as is. We don't demand more than the other
can give.
Anything else would be selfish.
To expect him to "love" me, would be not to know him at all.
That seems like a gross and lonely thing to do to him.
It wouldn't be fair.
He says he loves me, like one loves a favorite T-shirt.
I appreciate that.

TLDR; My motivation for being friends with a sociopath is that there
is mutual understanding and acceptance I have never gotten from anyone
else. He is him and I am me, and that's good enough.


  1. The anime: Parasyte- The Maxim

    The video :https://youtu.be/NFhe0ZakdYo

    The Lyrics: "You guys do not notice that we are gifted just by being humans
    We are absolute predators
    We do not even have any enemies
    Maybe there are other animals watching us
    and thinking that someday "we will beat them down"
    Oh We have the brains to think hard
    Wear our favorite clothes
    We are at no doubt human beings
    Many small lives
    They were born
    [They were born]
    with the fate
    [with the fate]
    of dying for someone
    [for someone A human baby]
    A human baby
    When will they find out
    [When will they find out the true fact yeah]
    that at the point they were born, we are
    [we are winners]
    (the) winners of Earth

    "Hey, why are you crying?" I ask you, next to me
    That's why we live so close together, until we shine

    For what have I been living for?
    When will I find out the answer?
    An answer that is only for you
    What will myself and (the) first scenery I saw
    Look like?
    It's my face, my face

    Shut up!
    I read this inside the book I read before
    [The book I read before]
    According (to) Maslow
    [According (to) Maslow]
    There are five steps (in a) human's desire

    To live a long life to stay safe and to receive
    love from others
    To get respect from
    other, To get closer
    to your ideal
    That's what it said
    No matter how hard other animals try, they probably can't go over the first step
    That is how intelligent we are and, (an animal) filled with greed
    But that is probably why we can still live on top of the food chain
    in this blue planet although we have weak bodies

    Ah, the usual morning reflected in your eyes
    Is disappearing in the tears flowing from them

    For what to live for
    Think deeply as you live yeah
    Cuz humans are (the) only ones that can do this on Earth
    Your new answer,
    What is it that you want to get in your right hands?
    Let me hear

    Tell me your new answer
    Prove that you are different from monkeys
    If there is nothing to crave for, humans will die in a way
    Don't you think so too?
    Let me hear, Let me hear, Let me hear"

    The story: Some parasites from space came to earth with the main goal of attaching themselves to human brains and taking over. some of them succeeded and others did not( The main character has his right arm taken over by the parasite) The thing that caught my attention is that as the parasite settled in the humans, the humans started developing sociopathic traits. You can tell they fall in the sociopathic spectrum and their personalities vary.

    1. This is a great anime. I'm actually almost finished watching it. It really does make one question humanity.

  2. Sounds just great. Reminds me a bit of my relationship with my 'best friend'. I actually believe that this type of a relationship is the best because it doesn't rely on any non-lasting and naive expectations that are not based on anything but romantic dreams. Good on you. I wish I will one day I will be able to have a relationship similar to this.

  3. God help your children.

  4. Since you have children together it´s checkmate for you in my books.
    i actually wish you and your children the best of health and luck...

    "He says he loves me, like one loves a favorite T-shirt.
    I appreciate that."
    i advise you to contemplate about the topic of dignity in your spare time...

  5. My friend the kind & cosy sociopath. "My Petite Psycho": new toy made from durable plastic, just tickle the loveable rogue behind the ears and it goes: "I am your best buddy!".

  6. This letter reminded me of a sappy anniversary card, one of those ones that runs on too long and tries to be poetic.

    1. Maybe it's just because my own writing style tends to run on like that, but I thought it was cute.

  7. Goebbels told me he was taking the day off to do some gardening. Instead, he downed his morning espresso, smacked his lips together three times, and nestled in his mother’s warm Aryan muff. “There’s no place like home...”

  8. Bipolar on the high noteJune 24, 2015 at 5:23 AM

    I just read the comments. I'd have no problem with all that's written had there be no children in the picture. It saddens me on the part of children to have a mother and father pair of a bipolar and a sociopath. It appears the bipolar has written this on an up swing, how about sharing your thoughts on the down swing with a man like this fathering two of your children? How miserable is life then?

    1. I was just thinking the same thing, with the assumption of this being a definite high, rather than a low. I'm curious as well, how the perspective would change, and to what degree.

  9. The virtues you describe is love being played out. I believe with personality disorders you either choose to feed the good or feed the bad. So finding the good respectable sociopath is an asset I believe. Like good cop /bad cop. Choose good. And with your bipolar tendencies you keep him excited and stimulated. You have something most would want even if they don't care to admit. Because you've labeled yourselves people can project bias thinking. But its pretty neat what you both have together. The sex must be amaaaazing ! |:) Sounds like you both are inter-dependent. Thumbs up !

    1. How many eggs did you lay today?

    2. And did he appreciate it? >;->~

    3. Enough eggs to make smartie her cookies that hit the g spot

  10. It reminds me of an early Hal Hartley (sp?) movie - not sure of the name anymore (and, yes, I went to IMDB and none of the movies seemed right - it was the early 90's, so I might even be confused on HH - maybe "Trust"). The two main characters deconstruct relationships in a similar manner - a female and a male. There was a lot of dialog about how trust and love and respect and...(on and on...) fit together and the style of the dialog was interesting.

    Having said that, OP: if it's working and everyone's happy (kids?) then go to town cowgirl.

  11. Little known fact: psychopaths often suffer from hypochondria, they are the "worrying kind" (explanation: self-absorbed personalities obsessed with themselves)! Who could imagine that? Almost like the "girly" zodiac Scorpio, not the biker/caveman many think of. And yet so terrifying, a walking nightmare..

  12. OP: "We both struggle with blending in. We both struggle with this weird
    sense of detachment from reality, where normal people march around
    like robots."

    Well put. Struggling to blend in and feeling detached from 'normal' society creates a common bond between outsiders of every stripe, in any group, creating 'weird' alliances, even tribes and institutions (i.e., the splintered groups of belief that exist under the umbrella of the Muslim religion.)

    One measure in terms of stability in relationships is the test of hard times. People in extremis always become something other than what they were before all hell broke loose. So long as nothing too big rocks the boat, most people usually play nice, according to the agreed upon rules of civil society. Honor among thieves lasts only so long; when the chips are down, survival instincts kick in. Same in friendships and romance. If/when things get really tough that's when you'll see another facet his and your personality come through. That's when the test of loyalty begins.


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