Thursday, September 19, 2013


A reader asked me:

Given that the way the word "sociopath" is used within language, its definition is extremely ambiguous which in effect renders it less meaningful due to the possibility of multiple interpretations. I just read your book and you can already see how some tendencies you have (in your book) are not fully coherent with the general accepted definition, but I think you understand that already and hence why you wrote the book in the first place. What I wanted to ask you was, after reading your book I noticed that you said if you put enough effort into a relationship you can make it last and make a real connection. This is something I'm having trouble with recently, all my relationships with others seem so superficial and for me that is kind of depressing, how is it for you? Have you found special people who you can genuinely connect with and not merely extract some ulterior pleasure, is it possible for you to see another person as more than a means to an end but an end in itself is what I'm asking here. 

My response: This is an interesting question, about whether I can see another person as an end and not just a means to an end. I don't think I ever will completely, but I try to think that way. And now maybe with certain relationships, 40% of the way I view them is an unconditional appreciation? I think this is particularly more interesting for people that have done so much for me and seem so much like an extension of me, like my mother.

Relationships are still really hard for me, though. Even just recently, one of my closest friends said that she needed to take a break from me. I have yet to maintain a long-term romantic relationship. My relationships have gotten better than they used to be in a lot of ways, but they still have problems.

I know what you mean about the superficiality of the way we interact with the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely engaged in it at all. I'm most interested and engaged when playing games with people, but it's more like a bandaid then any sort of permanent solution. And playing games can make problems and sort of increases my sense of isolation in a lot of ways. I'm sort of hoping that living more openly and authentically will allow me to feel like I am finally engaging with the world in a way that is both rewarding enough to be satisfying and stable enough to be sustainable. 


  1. Empaths have trouble with relationships too. This is not a sociopath only problem. The relationships that tend to survive over time are ones between people who both stand to gain from doing the work of keeping a relationship going (trying to be considerate when you are moody would be an example of that) so being mean in a way that communicates disrespect is not the standard behavior one or both partners show.

    Friendships are hard in your twenties and early thirties, especially if your life circumstances change a lot. Relationships are really hard if you are a strong willed woman who doesn't want to compromise and be deferential. This is not to say that sociopathic traits aren't a problem, but it's to encourage you to understand that everyone struggles, not just sociopaths. A true friend is a treasure.

  2. If one needs to feel to have feelings of isolation, why is there a concern (to the person in question) when there are no feelings? I feel no need to connect beyond what I have, and I have zero concern about that. I do note that others seem to react a little when I say that I am this way and am satisfied. It is as though I insult them. Is the concern over having deeper relationships important to yourself or important that others think it is?

  3. Better get on with it M.E. The older you get, the faster life passes.
    It's like a whirly burley in a children's park. You grab on to the
    handle to start the momentem, then the wheel picks up speed, and goes
    faster and faster. Before you know it, you wonder how time flew by so
    quickly. It's like that bittersweet song from "Fiddler On The Roof"
    "Sunrise, Sunset."
    When I was 12years-old, I made the supremely stupid decision to give up
    on people. I did so, because I couldn't handle the non-stop
    agressiveness, ridicule, and hostility directed at me. You see, I had
    lost a lot of weight and I thought that that in itself would make people
    like me. It was a child's "magical thinking." It wasn't all that bad
    when I was "fat," and photographs from that time show that I was "chubby"
    not morbidly obese. Anyway, I thought, "Let me lose this weight, and the
    world will be at my feet."
    Needless to say, didn't work. People were every bit as vicious if not
    more then before. But the "icing on the cake" was when a group of local
    boys ridiculed my appearence. I had lost 50lbs. but didn't have time to
    buy new clothes. So I looked halirous to them while I played a game of
    "catch" in my driveway with my brother. We couldn't quite understand the
    reason for their veamence.
    I realize now, the reason why I experienced (And continue to experience)
    so much difficulies with people is because I have Pluto in my first house
    opposed by Mars in my 7th house. But at the age of 12 I couldn't have
    known such things. I took to my room and mostly wouldn't budge.
    Oh, I did the things that I ABSOLUTELY had to do, like attend public
    school, go to stores and such, but I never learned "social give and take"
    and growth. The less I socialized, the more fearful I became and felt
    out of my depth in casual interaction.
    My parents were of no help whatsoever. The were too busy fighting each
    other and blaming each other.
    My condition didn't improve, so the inevitable visits to a psychologist
    were arrainged. He thought that family therapy be advised but I would
    have none of it. When you're in a sinking ship, you have to do whatever
    it takes to survive, no matter how things shake out. But in general, I
    was "comfortable" enough with T.V. and junk food. The occasional harranges from my father were unpleasent. but my co-dependant relation-
    ship with my mother kept things from getting to out of hand.
    So time went by. 12 became 22. 22 became 32. 32 became 42. 42 became 52
    and so on.
    Girls? What a joke! (Again, I later discovered through Astrology the
    reason for this. I have Saturn in the 5th house)
    At 55 the goal post is in sight. I MIGHT make to to 70. That's only 15
    more years to endure. I'm like the kid who never missed a day of school
    from K to 12 grade. There ARE such people however rare that is. Why
    spoil my "record." Once you're dead and gone it doesn't matter how much
    you've done "it" or whether you've done it at all.
    That's a fate that you will never endure M.E., but for Heavens sake don't waste your time. Do whatever you can to create a loving nature
    in yourself NOW to attract a life partner NOW. 30yrs old is very late
    in the day.

    1. I love self-revelations, that said, I also wonder occasionally about some; here in the anonymous department. Although, strictly I love the invention. It is interesting.

      You could be the "Anonymous" that wants to save M.E., you could be even herself playing games, didn't she study people and should be quite able to?

      Strictly: The girls that you lost weight for, try to remember. If you can. Who were the ones that were most concerned about there weight? Weren't it the ones that were thin as a stick? In my age they all tried to be Twiggy.

      Obviously, they never changed their behavior about you. You didn't really matter in the larger setting. It may have been about a boy, that showed more interest in you, then he showed in them. He may in fact have been the center of attention not your weight. Although they were slim as twigs, he may have showed interest in you?

      If you are as old as you claim to be by now, you should have gotten a little awareness.

      I shifted to boys at the time, when I was watching this peculiar game at comparisons: I am slimmer than thou, ultimately: thus I must be more wanted. Not boys, by the way, that denigrated woman due to their looks. Since if you look closer our center of female attention was actually pretty bad in mathematics and the girl he choose to attack, admittedly not very attractive, was more at ease with it than he was. But he managed to spread the rumor to a certain extent. The sentence went like this: benches have to be fixed so we don't feel like trowing them at her when she is at the blackboard. Were he would have been completely lost without his good looks and charm.

      Stop looking in astrology for any explanations for the things people do, its nonsense. And I do not have time to proofread this.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Sorry, Anonyma, but the Saturn in the 5th house just seems to have been the final straw that caused a blast-off. That and this: Better get on with it M.E. The older you get, the faster ...

      If Saturn and Mars help you to understand your life. Why not? It's yours not mine. ;)

  4. "I realize now, the reason why I experienced (And continue to experience) so much difficulies with people is because I have Pluto in my first house opposed by Mars in my 7th house."

    Everyone who reads this is going to be laughing out loud. You said it yourself, your problems were down to the fact that you were massively obese and people took exception to that because they're morons. When you found that even losing weight didn't improve your relationships you got depressed and stopped trying, which along with your neglectful parents didn't help one bit. You said what happened and this is why it happened, not some crap about lumps of rock and gas affecting your life. Some people get dealt a shit hand in life, you were one of them, end of.

  5. It actually sounds sad, to go through life like that. Do you think anything can be done to change things? I just met my "ex" who still after 6 months with exemplary behavior from my side, shoved me and made me fall so I hit my head on the ground. I still know he is acting out anger he does not know how to handle, simply because he never learned a thing about emotions, since no limits were ever set in his life. That also makes me sad.

  6. The stereotype psycho is rather strange: glib, "ants in pants" or "up"-folks resembling ruthless geminis. Its a "white-collar" definition liked by the phd-folks doing research about them. This type exists of course, but why its held up as "Psycho A1" is puzzling. Hollow folks differ due to customs & ideals, european specimens more often than not dont do the "glib, charming" stuff. Stone-faced monotone talkers are the norm there. In other parts of the world surely other "standards" are set in this matter..

  7. I just read your book(ME) Interesting insight-I wonder why one puts so much emphasis on manipulation -playing games-destroy--- seems like a waste of time-
    very negative -and draining ones energy

    for what ??? all in the name of power!
    isnt peace of mind and harmony a better option-I think sociopaths are addicts -addicted 2 the rush ofthe endorphins one gets after the callous deed has been executed"a feeling of superficial power
    ; filling that empty void in ones soul

  8. My mom took me to a specialist who diagnosed me with being a sociopath. I could care less but it really affected her. I don't form meaningful relationships, I know that, as of yet, but it doesn't bother me. A lot of friend's of mine have done things just in the name of love that I believe they wouldn't have normally done. Not giving another person power over you is not a weakness. If anything, you have power over them because of that. I don't think it's something to feel "bad" about & so I refuse to. I think I will go farther because I don't care about people's emotions about me.

  9. Fear not! The pressure to couple up diminishes with age: the sex drive wanes, and it's far easier to assume the facade of the lovable, slightly dotty non-conformist. Most people at parties are perfectly satisfied when I tell them I merely like living alone, and it's all too easy to turn the conversation to what they really wish to discuss: themselves, and their dreadful marriages/spouses.

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