Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Relationship with a sociopath: breaking up is hard to do

A(nother) reason that many sociopaths like to be around people, have friends, be in relationships, etc.:
Rejection resonates with a primal threat, one the brain seems designed to highlight. [I]n human prehistory being part of a band was essential for survival; exclusion could be a death sentence, as is still true today for infant mammals in the wild. The pain center [that triggers actual physical pain at real or impending social isolation] may have evolved this sensitivity to social exclusion as an alarm signal to warn of potntial banishment--and presumably to prompt us to repair the threatened relationship.

When our need for closeness goes unmet, emotional disorders can result. . . . Social rejection--or fearing it--is one of the most common causes of anxiety. Feelings of inclusion depend not so much on having frequent social contacts or numerous relationships as on how accepted we feel, even in just a few key relationships.
Also from Social Intelligence. This interesting because I can feel severe anxiety at the prospect of a break up, resulting in nausea, headaches, and other intense physical pain. A relative of mine (also sociopath) gets the same -- always in the toilet vomiting when his girlfriend threatens to leave him. I don't know whether all socios are that way, but I imagine that they at least find isolation or abandonment to be unpleasant.

26 comments:

  1. If you want to talk about fear of not being a member of The Group, you're not talking about "sociopaths."
    You keep talking about "sociopaths" as if they are the pathological cases. Yawn.
    -Vigilius
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  2. This is something I've experienced as well. Horrible physical nausea at a prospective breakup or comparable rejection. Interestingly, however, when I'm dumped (or dump someone), I lose interest in them quickly, which is one of a few things that suggest to me that what we as sociopaths feel as love is not really the same thing that most people feel.
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  3. I LOATHE the thought of rejection but am always the dump-er or abandoner when I just don't want them anymore. Should they not take the rejection rough enough or not agree to be my friend (AKA perpetually-pining emotional fodder that I never really stop seducing and ruin for any future significant others) I get angry/upset/feel sick and then go to the trouble of winning them over and re-breaking them.
    I actually prefer being single and alone, with a bunch of ambiguous friendship/romantic relationships and terminate a relationship after a few months should some poor guy manage to snag me in some kind of commitment.
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  4. What is wrong with me then?? lol, rejection to me is a natural end to a process. I almost anticipate it. Then feel "normal" when its done and dusted. I enjoy being alone for long periods of time, picking and choosing when i want to engage with others. Loneliness has become like a close friend. I tell anybody who is interested in me that this will come to an end, so don't expect too much from me. I prefer lonliness to long term relationships....im just plain mad. Theres no place where i belong lmao.
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  5. I'm not sure if I'm really a sociopath but I've done some pretty heartless things, all of which are legal though. I don't feel a wide array of emotions and I don't feel emotional pain in moments were other people would. But when I'm dumped! It's like my world temporarily unfolds! I puke and feel anxiety and severe pain. But the reason for my extreme pain is because I lost control of the other person. How dare them leave me. How dare them serve someone else. How dare them choose to live without me. I get extremely angry at them for choosing to be independent of me that I tend to cross boundaries. But I never do anything illegal because I don't want to go to jail. But the funny thing is i would rather they die of cancer and perhaps not feel as much pain than them break up with me.
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  6. Sociapaths would not come here to express their feelings...clearly because they do not have any. I've been married to one for 8 years now and he only expresses his feelings when he wants something in return. Call me crazy because i actually love this creep; however it is a love/hate.
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    Replies
    1. i'm in agreement with AnonymousMar 5, 2010 07:20 AM in terms of sociopaths expressing feelings.sociopaths "fake" having feelings in order to fit in. abandonment is not an issue. they just move on.
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    2. I have found in my recent dealing with one that he borrowed my identity and vocabulary to mimic similarity with me. It models classic usery... Whatever it takes to meet his needs. He will always has a backup so that he is not alone. He takes the language he has pulled from me and presents it to new comers to gain pity/compassion i.e. he tells them "I have abandonment issues" which will draw in a codependent that responds to pity and guilt. They are without conscience although they try to suggest they are in a lot of 'pain' and feel badly how he "broke a former heart".
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  7. Relationships just ended up being plain inconvenient for me.

    I was always a total dick to partners (although they rarely found out) - but when some bad stuff outside my control happened to a girl I was with (and loved - the way some of us do) I couldn't help her. Didn't have the tools or the motivation.

    If I go to heaven it'll be for remaining single.
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  8. "Sociapaths would not come here to express their feelings...clearly because they do not have any"

    Learn to spell.
    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Typos happen sometimes. Find something useful to get upset about.
      Delete
  9. Sociopaths have no feelings of guilt or sympathy. They have no compassion.
    They do not have the capability to love like others. They only play a game.
    It’s a game to feed on the compassionate and kind. They see it as weak. To feel love
    Is to be weak. So they bring you down to have control over you to get what they
    Want out of you. If you don’t go along with their game then they get angry and bored
    Of you. I am in a game with a sociopath. Even tho I know he don’t love me I still love
    The fake fantasy he brings but I don’t know if I can survive this hell.
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  10. Still trying to not look back and hold back from my fiance who is a prominent sociopath. I have known him in and out! He lied with perfection believing that he is speaking the truth. And when caught red handed lying, he totally makes me feel I am crazy and need to be on medication. lol. A lot of times I showed him proofs of his lying, and he never ever felt guilty! He cries like a baby and then the next moment, i am like, is he the same guy who was just crying and needing me! I love him to death! I cannot see him in pain and in tears! Even when he teats me like a slave, like an animal and like someone who doesnt feel pain so keep hurting, or maybe he likes to see me in pain, i dont know! Anyways, I am still crying right now and thinking about him. His love has trapped me so bad! i just pary to God that I forget him as soon as possible and give me couage to not look at him. Although he has really crushed me and now see me with full rejection for no reason. Also, I have faults but never ever tried to play with his heart and feelings! never lied or mistrusted him. It is so crazy, that I still feel for him and i still missi him although he has NOT let go one moment when he can hurt me.
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    Replies
    1. sociopaths don't cry. sounds like you have a narcissist on your hands.
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  11. LOL.This blog makes me laugh more than any other.
    There are possibly more people in relationships with sociopaths than there are sociopaths commenting!
    I guess it's not suprising.
    But I would be deathly angry if my significant other commented on a blog my without my permission.
    I've never been broken up with. But I feel personally insulted if someone I have broken up with doesn't seem close to tears whenever I see them for at least a few weeks.
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  12. Anonymous - April 19, 2010 12:23 AM -

    Sounds like you have some codependent issues. I know because I do. Check out a support group like coda.org - or read about it online. You might get some great realizations out of it.

    Cheers
    b
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  13. I broke up with a sociopath last year. Was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I loved him like the air. I had to leave and not look back because I hated to see him upset. But you move on in time and it was the best decision I've ever made looking back. Good luck.
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  14. I can't never understand why people make relationship if they haven't the intention to continue it.
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  15. Sociopaths are a walking tornado that such you in and eventually spit you out. While you are up in the air swirling in a relationship with them, the fierce winds rip your heart out and tear you from limb to limb. I recently discovered that my husband of 25 years is a Sociopath. We were high school sweethearts, married, had children and I dedicated 20 years of my life being the business mind of HIS business. The last few years I have discovered elaborate lies, hiding family money and constant "mind games" perpetrated to make me believe that I'm going crazy... Mean and cruel. I have been an honest and faithful wife, married to Satan in a charming, handsome, muscular and kind(good actor) illusion. A sociopath that gets married and destroys the opportunity for their spouse to meet a healthy mate, is EVIL. To potentially infect one's pregnant wife with prostitute poison STDs or worse while pregnant? Sick, sick, sick... It should be a crime sentences to massive time in prison. A sociopath's marriage vows should read: After I destroy you emotionally, physically & mentally, leaving you an empty shell on the verge of death... Do us part.
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  16. ^^^ I understand what you are talking about, my ex had me believe I was the crazy one. After 5 years I've had enough.
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  17. Girl on a CreekJul 8, 2011 06:58 PM
    First I want to say THANK YOU for this website and a huge THANK YOU to all my fellow victims. I've read alot here, and I won't repeat too much of what has already been said, because all of you have said it so well. What I CAN add that I haven't seen written already is this: I was 19, he was 43, I let him talk me out of marrying my boyfriend, who was my own age. This guy and I met at work. I thought we were just friends. I never fell in love, it was never romantic, in the least, because of course he has no ability to love or be romantic in the first place. When I dropped my boyfriend, I should have dummped this guy the same day. I grew up with a "mom" that was a socio, and as they say, especially at that age, barely 19, I gravitated to what I was familiar with. Long story short, it's been 34+ yrs of living hell. I've been researching for the past 5 yrs. trying to find out what IS wrong with him? I knew I was ok, but had wasted most of my life trying to help him find peace, and happiness. Well of course I made absolutely no progress with that. All that came from it was me living in a nightmare that I never even told my closest friends or family about until 5 yrs ago. I read books about passive/aggressive, BPD, split personality, etc. and yes, most of all that fit, but I KNEW I was still not at the ROOT of the problem. Then, I think thru divine help, I saw the word sociopath in a headline on the internet and I couldn't get the word out of my head for days, so I began reading. One article said, "if you've just now realized you're living with a sociopath, you may be nauseous". I thought I was going to faint, for real. Finally, after 34 yrs. of insanity, trying desperately to figure out WHAT was going on?? I had my answer. Because he really was simply my "dad", I REALLY felt responsible for him all those years and was also afraid he'd never let me leave, alive anyway.
    Once I had THE root cause for all this nightmare, of course I was shocked, furious, and felt like my "dad" had just died, but most importantly, I felt FREE for the first time since I was 19. We're still under the same roof, only for as long as it takes me to take all the appropriate steps to bring this to a permanent and successful conclusion. I'm making all the calls, enlisting all the help and backup that may be needed, leaving no stone unturned. When the day is right, and all is ready, I will announce the immediate, permanent separation, and insist on no further contact, EVER. I've never written on any subject on the internet ever before, but I felt compelled to share my story, because I am SO grateful to all of you who have shared YOURS here. It has been the equivalent of some serious therapy for me. I hope my story helps someone else. I wish all young girls just starting out, knew about these type of people. This is very serious business; they are able, at least in my case, to ruin nearly an entire lifetime. Tragic. I wish everyone here, safety, peace and all the happiness your hearts can hold. :)
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  19. I had a relationship with a sociopath for 7 years. He was married to someone else and I became nothing more than a game to him. He abused me mentally and constantly put me down and made snide remarks about my intellect and abilities. He would spin me a web of intricate lies, "I will leave Val soon, she's a lesbian and I'm just her beard" .. and "I hate being married to her, she's not even into men." This went on and when I challenged or questioned I got shot down, or worse, he ripped my life apart and made me cry. No matter what went wrong, it was always my fault. I finally ended the relationship by sending his "wife" some photos on her cell. After that, I got no more calls or communication... it was as if I had died. In retrospect, he didn't love me at all. I was merely a game and every time I questioned him about the thousands of lies he made it a battle ground to point out the weaknesses in my own life, my character, and my abilities. Goodbye, Edward Mazzei. I am far better off without your abusive nature, your lies and manipulation, and your sociopathic lack of emotion.
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  20. I spent 10 years of my life loving a sociopath. He verbally abused me, cheated on me and constantly lied. I realize now it was nothing more than a game for him...something to amuse himself with. Perhaps he may feel that he has 'won the game' but I acutally feel I'm the one that came out a winner here. He managed to kill the love I felt for him and now I am living a very happy life.
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  21. I dont know an extensive amount on sociopaths, but from what I read somewhere I'm pretty positive my boyfriend is one. Is it wrong that even though I know this, and I know what he's done in the past, I still want him and love him and want to be with him? Because even though his love is an act, it's way better than any normal person could give me. I want that feeling, whether it's fake or real. And to be honest, the normal guys can't handle me..
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    Replies
    1. What is wrong is that you don't value yourself more than this. You have set yourself up to be robbed from. Your energy, your time and your virtue. You are the victim in your own crime scene. You will find something true and better, but you have to get out of this situation. There is no staying in it without being consumed by the vacuum of his selfishness and lies. It will teach you love is sick and twisted and no one deserves that. You may love him, but he is not capable of 'loving' you as you long to be. You will feel perpetually crazy because of the lies and falsehood that are given to you. His words are not supported by his actions and that makes the recipient crazy. In time, you will think it is your doing/fault. So... if you want a life ... run as fast as you can and don't maintain contact!! It will just suck you back in. What you are experiencing is a lie - an illusion. You deserve better!
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