Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Growing up a sociopath

Children growing up in this era of digital permanent records have it rough. Every single moment, successes and mistakes, are being recorded and accessible for all eternity. Even if the child himself opts out of the constant chronicling of their early years, their friends are their doing it for them. It's like we have gone back to an earlier era where everyone in a small town knew everyone's personal business. This is bad for empath young people, but potentially devastating for sociopath young people who will make many distinctive mistakes while growing up. From a reader:
I grew up in a small town where everybody pretty much knew each other and being a child i kinda let others see my true self. Everybody there now hates me, i mean everybody. No friends, no nothing, just people hating me. Or so i think...

Anyway. I keep having nightmares and stuff about this. Like people there shooting me or killing me. Is it possible that this is just an overreaction caused by the fact i haven't been there in like a year? Actually i pretty much isolated myself from everyone until i grow up and hopefully not be annoyed by people walking by me on the street, by people. It is hard to say that i am cruel or something, i don't admit anything. But i might be ;). And given this cruelty i am afraid that they might start an angry mob and burn me like a witch. Even as i am writing this i am having some kind of deja vu and that makes me believe that i had dreamt of this. So following this logic i am going to actually get shot by someone who i have wronged. I know this sounds crazy and i know that ... maybe... it isn't real but every muscle in my body is telling me it is real. It is telling me to go back and do nice things, show that i care or something so that it won't come up with me being shot.

When i was younger the people there actually once started an angry mob that wanted revenge for all the bad things i did to them. The leader of the mob knew awful many things about me and that scared me out of doing anything to protect myself. I just sat there and listened how they were angry at me. They got me back against the wall and i panicked. I think that was the best choice at the moment because i didn't know how much they knew. Now when i think back i guess i should've at least protested. Don't even fucking know why i didn't play the victim. Probably there were too many of them knowing all kinds of different things each and playing a victim wouldn't have worked.

Fuck man, this whole e-mail is a deja vu to me. :-s . I wouldn't like telling anybody else about this, cause i don't know where would that lead. I don't even trust a psychologist to tell him. I am thinking that i could go out and make friends somehow but i am afraid of meeting people i previously knew. It's like i can't behave the way i want because people can see through it. I've been worrying about this ever since then and nowdays, when i am interacting with people, i am trying to be as honest as i can. I even keep them from liking me or getting involved in some kind of relationship with me because i know i will end up in that situation in which everything will be revealed. I would pretty much like to get rid of this sensation, so if you have any advice please let me know. Think i am fucking turning into a skizoid. And i also believe that ignoring this and going on with my life will only lead to that day in which i get shot in that coffee shop i keep dreaming about. Anyway. I hope you've seen this before and the whole deja vu thing is just in my head. You can post it on your blog if you want, hope nobody sees it, but keep it anonymous. Even though, in my paranoia, i think that someone that would read this would know it was me. WOW. I'm fucked. I will try to find a psychologist, somehow, someone i can trust, even though i don't know how he would help me. At the moment, i feel like i am going to be convinced that it is all in my head only when i died of natural causes or something different than i think. Anyway, tell me what you think.


  1. It occurred to me in reading this post that Mr. They’re Out to Get Me’s paranoia might actually stem from repressed guilt for all the terrible things he did to those poor souls back in Mayberry. It might also stem from a lack of trust in himself. I say this because his email doesn’t say anything about getting caught for unsolved crimes. He talks about his “victims” coming back to get him. How likely is that really, and why is he so sure that he wouldn’t be able to handle it if someone did come after him?

    Wherever it stems from TOTGM, consider using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques as a means to manage your unruly thoughts. Write some of your most paranoid thoughts down, then run them through a reality check to see how true they actually are.

    For example, you say, “I even keep them from liking me or getting involved in some kind of relationship with me because i know i will end up in that situation in which everything will be revealed”. Is that true? You say you know this, but do you really? What’s your proof? Are you absolutely certain that everything will be revealed? Even if everything was revealed, wouldn’t you find a way to survive? Go on from there.

    Just because a thought is in your mind doesn't mean it's true or real. Don’t let your mind run you. You run your mind. That’s easier said than done of course, but it is the beginning of sanity.

  2. How is he supposed to trust himself if he doesn't have a defined sense of self ?

  3. Everybody has instincts, intuition, intelligence. Ok, maybe not that last one... If he trusted himself (instincts) more, maybe he'd know he didn't have much to worry about. Unless there is more to the story.

    You don't need to have an elaborately defined sense of self to trust your own instincts.

  4. I have nothing to say, because Daniel said it already. Damn you to hell.

  5. I'd have that problem of everyone documenting my movemtns on Facebook and Twitter, but I stay by myself all the time so no one has the chance.

  6. This sounds closer to borderline behavior disorder type symptoms than true sociopath tendencies as there is obviously guilt and an awareness and care that they have done wrong.

  7. I've been going through something similar lately. My situation is this : In my youth I did and said things that may have been hurtful or offensive. I didn't think anything of it because ask far as I knew there were no consequences to my actions. It's not like I went around TRYING to hurt people but whatever, shit happens, oops. My many transgressions resulted in me becoming relatively well known within my community and now the people around reference my past in the form of DIRECT quotes and gesture mimicking as of type passive-aggressive indirect "attack".(basically live action trolling) I'm guessing the INTENT is to "punish" me for being "mean" and watch me to make sure I don't do anything naughty. For the most part they haven't really accomplished anything other than to annoy me from time to time. That being said, It started as paranoia, confusion but once I started to actually think about what was going of it became painfully obvious that I had been outed. They know I'm a sociopath and its possible my family is involved. Which means interacting with them is a waste. I believe they think I have some kind of malicious intent (which is not the case) but I do try let them know in whatever way possible that they can't watch me close enough.(not that I plan on doing anything bad I just like seeing the look on their face when I "break character" ) I don't know if anything I've said sounds familiar to you but I guess I can relate (on some level) to what you wrote about. I'm not worried about them trying to kill me. I even sometimes invite it in situations where people joke about it by saying I can't be killed and handing them something sharp. MY ADVICE TO YOU : if our situations are the same I would suggest trying to regain some of your anonymity in whatever way possible. It sounds like your trying to play the victim and your all like "BOO HOO nobody likes me, I need help cuz I'm a looney toon" but that nobody is gonna buy that shit, trust me. Really, do whatever you want.-------- That One Guy


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