Friday, August 9, 2019

Tourniquetting identity leads to weak sense of self

From a reader:

I was reading your blog, specifically the post titled “Seeing things as they really are”.

On the topic of weak sense of self. I’m really curious as to how that affects people and sociopaths in general. (I would love to read a post specifically on that topic.) I was listening a song by Charles Manson called “My World” which actually mentioned his weak sense of self or lack of ego. (I’m not necessarily sure what the difference between a sense of self and an ego is) Charles Manson was considered either a psychopath or sociopath.(they never really specified, constantly using the terms interchangeably) If you don’t know about him, in a very small nutshell he was claimed to have grown a following, a cult. And then was claimed to use that cult to kill some famous people. He has also been in and out of  penitentiary's his whole life. He himself claiming that the penitentiary was his father. You should really check out his interviews, many are available on YouTube.  

On a separate matter, if you ever get the chance head down to Kentucky. Me and my friend would love to sit down and talk. I suspect myself to be sociopathic, no idea of if i am or not. I’m not going to get a diagnosis mainly because of the negative effects that can occur. But basically before preschool in daycare i made my best friend that we’ll call Sam. We both had a very  similar up bringing and have always stayed friends. About a year ago we both started researching about sociopaths, for some reason we were both naturally drawn to this. And when I say we both started researching this i mean that we were doing this separately from each other, not know that the other person even knew about the subject. And one day it popped up in a conversation some how and we both confessed. But what’s really amazing about that is that we both started researching around the same time and came to the conclusion around the same time. 

You mentioned that you’re trying to learn more about other sociopaths. I can’t say for sure that i am one, but you can make an assumption off the info that i give you. I’d like to know if i am one. Not because of the thought that “oh I’m a sociopath and I’m callous and blah blah so I’m better” but rather that I’m just very curious. Referring to a weak sense of self, i believe that i have one. People always tell me that you gotta find yourself, i guess mainly because I’m the age of 18. But i am confused by that statement because why do you need to find it in the first place? Aren’t you already yourself? And can’t you just be whatever you want? One thing I’ve said before is that “you can’t be something you’re not if you don’t know what you are.” 

Who am i as of now? I’m 18 and male, and i see the whole world as an opportunity to exploit. I feel that you can do anything that you can do. I’m a very kind and popular person. I have many friends that i got to for if i need something. I have both meaningful and meaningless bonds with my friends and family. I’m nice for one because it’s beneficial in the long run and two because it gives me a challenge for something to do when I’m bored. Which I am a very very bored person. I drive fast, take hard turns and used to drift (until i had to buy new tires ) if i could i would get a motorcycle. I play with fire a lot (or so my friends say) although it’s a lot less than i used to. But i do a lot of thrill seeking activities. I love art, dancing, and science/engineering. I draw abstract concepts of my mood and thoughts. I used to dance a lot being in on a competitive dance team that’s been to Vegas. And i build things all the time, my latest project being an electric bike so i don’t have to walk at college (I’m lazy, or as i see it being efficient). I feel as though i have multiple personalities or masks. Wearing different ones for different people, although I’m pretty sure most people do that. Here are two different examples of times where I’ve acted different. 

Ex.1 i got a call from a friend. Her voice was almost inaudible. I could tell that she was crying. So i asked “where are you?” I then drove to her car which was in a parking lot. This i found odd, but thinking to myself I knew that she was a sensitive and emotional person so i just assumed that it was just on a whim of some sort. So i hopped in her car, she had just got in an argument with her boyfriend.  She had her head on her steering wheel, her hands were clinching the wheel with intensity. She was crying very loudly tears were just pouring out her eyes. I calmed her down and reassured her. Being very attentive and holding the best facial expressions that i could( crying is always hard to deal with, since i never know how to actually act. I always wish that i could just give someone a pat on the back say “there there” and then say “get over it, you’re fine”) she was actually on the verge of suicide so i was being extra attentive marking up lies and connections, just about anything that would give her enough reasons to hold onto life. She hasn’t killed herself yet. 

Ex.2 it was New Years. I went to a friends party. It was a smaller group of 15 people. But one girl one having too much to drink, on purpose it seemed like to me, i think she needed an excuse to act reckless. But she was very insecure and very unstable. Constantly letting people know that she loved them and that the world loved them as well, some how i guess that helped her feel like she was loved. But she was getting too drunk and dropped a glass that shattered onto the floor. She attempted to go clean it up and almost fell into the glass. As a reference from your book it seemed to me as she was flirting with death. So they stopped her and cleaned up the glass. We all moved out of the basement and to the upstairs cause there were still shards laying around. She stayed down there desperately Singing and moaning for attention. Annoying everyone at the party. I walk to the basement door and from the top of the steps i yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP” she then was quiet, i walked into the room where everyone was and they all were at awe. They slowly began to laugh quietly, because they knew it’s what they wanted to do but wouldn’t. She latter came upstairs, projectile vomited, got on her knees(which were now in the vomit) and proceeded to scoop up her vomit with her hands. It was disgusting, embarrassing, and enthralling to watch. Then she took a shower, went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and was about to kill herself. I sat on the couch and watched, somebody stopped her. This is by no means extreme in anyway, simply the fastest experience i could think of. 

For as long as i can remember I’ve always felt apart from the crowd. I’ve never been a part of something. I never belonged to a group of friends or my school or even to my best friend Sam. I believe that i will always feel alone and isolated. How i act is also heavily affected by my mood. I mainly have three moods. One is where I’m irritable, aggressive, impulsive, blunt, callous(more than normal). Two is where I’m very calm, quiet, reflective, rational and calculating. Three is my neutral where I’m in the middle of the two. I have a little bit of high energy great for interacting with crowds and talking to people. The perfect twist of impulsivity and calculating. But perfect mood for doing anything i need done. One thing i find odd is how being nervous affects me. It affects me physically with increased heart rate and maybe a little bit of jitteriness, but i don’t feel that it actually gets to me, my mind is perfectly calm. A difference between me and you is that i don’t have a grandiose view of myself. However that seems to slowly be changing as I’ve become aware of how stupid other people are. It took me a lot longer than you to realize this. I figured this out around the age of 12 or something like that. I believe that’s because my mother tried to me make believe that i was worse than everyone else so i always felt stupider and didn’t judge other people. But i grew out of that perspective and am confident and smarter than most ect. 

My child hood.
In my child hood i was high in Conscientiousness. I remember being just tall enough to reach a door knob as i thought to myself “i wonder what happens to you when you die, does anything happen or are you just dust?” I always would enjoy them moment and try to be one with my surroundings. Or i would sit down and just think, walking around the hallways of my mind for what felt like hours. My cousin that we’ll call Nate introduced me to fire and other things. I remember one memory where me my sister Sabrina and my cousin Nate were all sitting around this green slide in the heat of the summer. The sun was very intense. We grabbed worms one at a time and put them at the top of the slide to watch them wiggle their way down as they turned into crisp. Me and my cousin did things like this a lot. Snails and salt, watching in awe as the snail would bubble and fizz. Me and Sam would go out at night killing fireflies with our hands, tennis rackets, swords, and a can of hair spray with a lighter. We also found a snake in his yard one time, we both grabbed sticks and started beating it to death. It was a fun game dodge the snakes bites, after it couldn’t move we then cut off its head and put it in a bowl of salt in his shed so that we could keep the skull. There were a bunch of other things too. One time me and my Sabrina (as toddlers) walked down the neighborhood to the river, grabbed some rocks and started throwing them at ducks. The police cars siren turned off and told us to stop. I’ve always wondered how different i would’ve been i had started the habit of abusing smaller animals(this event with the ducks happened years before the event with snakes and Sam), because up to then it was just bugs. I was emotionally and mentally abused throughout elementary school and possibly before that (can’t remember that far, all those years just blur together to me) i have a good family, i recognize that I’m very fortunate and that what i experienced is nothing compared to others. My mother was mainly the antagonizer. She’s bipolar and possibly has borderline personality disorder. She loved me when it was convenient, when she needed me to do something, and constantly lied to me. One moment i was the best child in the world and then next i was the worst. And I’m not exaggerating  that at all.  She was very emotional, she taught me that emotions were unreliable and so was love. I was only with my father when i was helping with one of his projects. When there was a complication or obstacle he would always get furious and yell and cuss. It was always so annoying and made me mad. I didn’t want to be like that so i taught myself how to hide my anger. I was never physically abused. However my mother would always yell at me calling me things like worthless and good for nothing. And her face was red and she was very loud stomping through the house making noises by slamming doors, drawers,pans, pots, everything. She always tried to make me feel bad about myself.  there was a time when i cried myself to sleep every night in a row for a month. One time i watched a movie where the person said “being yourself is enough” so i asked my mom one day. Isn’t being myself enough? She glared at me with anger and said no. The sadness she made me feel became anger and somewhere along the line i created a dissociation from my self. Life didn’t feel real and i was just like another one of my games.(life still doesn’t feel real) but as i grew up i realized that my mother only acted that way because she was just very unintelligent, insecure, and living a life she didn’t want. I used to hate her but after realizing that i forgave her. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t  aggravate me, she does. But instead i feel indifferent towards her. I was unpopular in elementary school, mainly because i didn’t fit in or understand people. So when i went to middle school i mimicked the popular people and added bits and pieces to my arsenal of personas. Then i became popular and people loved me. I watched a plethora of psychology vids trying to understand people as much as i could. That’s mainly why i got into psychology and am now planning to major in it. 

Thank you so much if you read all that. I’d love to hear back from you. 

My response: 

I’ll try to write about sense of self again sometime, but I think you already understand how and why it happens to us — we take enough psychological hits to our identity that we just dissociate ourselves from it, like a tourniquet cutting off blood flow to a damaged limb. I think (through usually professional help) we can restore some function to that damaged limb, but it isn't super easy, it's not intuitive, it's hard for us to even have a vision of what it might look like to do something like that, and it's a bit like being lost in the woods trying to find our childhood home that we only remember faintly. And certain things will never be back the way they could have been. I still don't experience affective empathy and probably never will, despite finally graduating from therapy. 


  1. What does it mean that socios have a tiny self? They are more neutral than most people. It does not mean lack of determination. Probably this is also the reason why psychopaths are considered clever: they let facts lead them, not wishful thinking (connected to a big self). This also likely has to do with the prison socio-population: too much narcissism got them there (psychological compensation for weak self); it made sharp pencils blunt, so to speak. I can´t remember ever seeing a narci-inflated personality and thinking that that person was not afflicted by stupidity (even if they were very rich & famous)..

    1. What do Kurt Cobain, Robin Williams, and Jeffrey Epstein have in common? All rich and famous.

    2. and they are all dead

    3. and they all committed suicide

    4. A very common observation: sociopathic fascination with suicide.

      Why? My guess is that it's related to perception of comparative advantage or mastery. Sociopaths love advantage and nothing speaks comparative advantage more than another person committing suicide.

      Comments welcome, keen for your views.

    5. Unlikely. Most socios don´t get obsessed with annoying persons, as long as they don´t have to see & hear them anymore. Goodbye is probably enough for most everyday sociopaths. Hateful teens may relish suicide-bullying?

    6. Thanks.

      I'm interested in your thoughts on why sociopaths rather the topic of suicide more often than the general population.

    7. Maybe cuz' socios are on crisis lines and in and out of hospitals, so they're involved with that kind of stuff.

    8. That's plausible, I agree. What do you make of Anon 8:52's comment?

    9. They all adopted fake personas.

    10. Like, as a projection of mental life?

    11. You brought it up. Define it however you wish.

    12. Oh, I forgot. Sociopaths don't like being told what to do... I invite you to create a definition that suits your purposes.

    13. Entertainer, actor, socialite, syndicated industries

    14. Ivanka wished Muslims Eid Mubarak. Breaking out of temperance really..

    15. "is everyone fake?" I rather think that everyone does not know or express the entirety of themselves in any context - some of it because certain social contexts don't permit it, but more often than not because people themselves do not know the entirety of themselves

      so yes, fake by omission and involuntarily

      it's possible that the only ones who are NOT 'fake' are those of us who are barking mad

    16. ^ Don't do em' any good Swop. Don't do em' any good..

    17. Ahem...yes, I see...uh, the above wasn't written by me, any of them.
      I have no interest, but would still like to clarify, twasnt moi.
      Whoever wrote these, uses far fancier language than my usual shit poking, and I have no idea what they're talking about.
      North has become painful of late, even the writings in French make me roll my eyes and move on, sorry North, but either let it go, or keep it to your miserable self love, it's been years now, and it's never sounded like you've been happy with any of it, but does that mean we have to suffer for **_*s lack of interest in you? He shut all the doors? Maybe you never had an open door to shut.
      Aaaargghhhhh...yes yes, for someone with no interest, I be talking yes yes. Fine...identity stealing Swop, if you're gonna imitate me pal, use simpler diction and just be, cooler dude.
      And say nice things about A more too please.

    18. sorry, friend, the Narc in me was looking to start something.

      Why you?
      1) most everyone is just some Anon
      2) easy to remember name
      3) I actually do enjoy reading your commentary and was hoping it would bring you out of lurk mode (yay! success)

      i accept the chastisement

  2. Keen on your thoughts.

    **-* had been writing love letters to me in the park. He won't see me, speak to me or respond to my texts; however he occasionally writes here and in the park. Spray paint on the footpath, texta on the playground equipment.

    If I were to guess the things he was cross with me about, I would say he didn't like that I told him he couldn't rape me and also that I didn't have sex with him when it was his birthday. Obviously, there was more going on, but I think those were the things that annoyed him most.

    Obviously, I had my own thoughts and feelings about these situations. I don't think he necessarily intended or wanted to rape me... He got carried away one day. I was very surprised to hear him say the next time I was with him that there was no such thing as rape in his home. A preposterous statement, but I think it was his intent to shore up his ground, to not allow me to blame him.

    But I think he really did not like my response to that which was too show him the tea and consent video.

    So back to the graffiti love notes. The last time I saw him, he had me life face down and I saw on the mirror that he brought his dick to the back of my head. Why he did this in front of a mirror I don't know, but clearly he was saying he is fucking with my head. Very clever. He also said he hoped the relationship wasn't too frustrating... Frustration is his modus operandi, and I expect the graffiti is how he's achieving both fucking with my head and frustrating me.

    So it's been roughly four months since the notes started. I definitely wasn't feeling frustrated to begin with. I was straight up traumatised and that took a month to get through. Then just devastated, then sad, and now, finally, frustrated.

    So mission accomplished, **-*. Not the most efficient way, perhaps, of telling me you didn't like something. But you always teach by experience.

    You're a strange boy but I do love you. We're clearly absolutely hopeless at negotiating interpersonal differences but I do love you and miss you. And yes, I'm very frustrated. When are you coming back?

    1. Frustration is a precursor to acceptance. There's nothing for me to do in regards to him, wild, untameable fellow. Loving him had always been like living a star from far away - it's more like awe or fascination. The intimacy confused one into thinking it's relationship, but it's never relationship because he won't be influenced, won't travel a mutual path. Let his orbit drift where it may... so long as he doesn't hurt me, it's best to let him be.

    2. North, are you frustrated that no one answers your comnents about ***?

    3. Tu as fermé toutes les portes, mon amour. Il n'y a plus de place, même pour la frustration

    4. La frustration est une réponse émotionnelle à l'opposition. Liée à la colère et la déception, elle survient lors d'une résistance perçue par la volonté d'un individu. Plus l'obstruction et la volonté de l'individu sont grandes, plus grande sera la frustration. Les causes de la frustration peuvent être internes ou externes. Chez un individu, la frustration peut surgir lors d'un objectif personnel et désirs fixés, de conduites ou besoins instinctifs, ou durant une lutte contre certains handicaps, tels que le manque de confiance ou la peur des situations sociales[1]. Le conflit émotionnel peut également être une source interne de frustration ; lorsque le but d'un individu interfère dans le but d'un autre individu, cela peut créer une dissonance cognitive. Les causes externes de frustration impliquent des conditions environnementales comme une route barrée ou des tâches difficile à accomplir. Durant la frustration, certains individus peuvent exposer un comportement passif-agressif, compliquant ainsi la manière dont la frustration est parvenue à eux. Une réponse plus directe et plus connue est une propension à l'agression.

  3. wow, what great news! He is paying attention to you.

    i've always sustained that a certain sort of stalking victim really relishes the attention - a nice simulacra to love & bonding - a way for the invisible to feel seen, the emotionally barren to feel engaged

    this one's for keeps, dear North

    1. Fascinating. What's in this comment for you?

    2. so are you saying that you are actually playing a fiendish, elaborate psychological game on us by ad nauseum posting re your (mis)adventures with this (possibly even fictional) psychopath - replete with approach/avoidance tangos, overanalysis, deflected traumas, and endless variations on a common theme - just to see how us minions would react?

      Or is the above comment meant to cover up your hurt feelings thru adherence to those pop psy "how to deal with toxic people/de-escalate" type of internet articles?

      hopefully it's the former, that would be far more interesting

      if it is the former I would love to go into what all of it does for me but I suspect that you have no real interest

    3. Oof. Bet-hedging makes you look so brittle and invested. Why are you so invested?

    4. Do you wish your sociofriend was stalking you? Never mind.

    5. so you don't actually want to have a conversation, you just want to keep shielding yourself and lashing out

      so dissappointing

      as well they say 'projection is the primitive form of coping strategy' and this is a Class A example of that

    6. North is only interested in telling people her boring stories and theories.

    7. Anon. Interesting correlation you draw between Cobain, Williams and Epstein.

      All three were killed. The predator was murdered. The other two were likely weak-minded victims of psychological abuse.

      Griselda. You are so fucking obvious.

    8. Of course all three were fucking killed.
      That's why they're fucking dead.
      I'm pretty sure if I remember right too, that one was a victim of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the cranium, whether or not that hailed from having kids and journalists poking fun at his cardigan, I don't recall.
      One tied his carotid off probably in fear that MeToo was gonna come sniffing round his dragged heels, but to label him a predator is a bit harsh before the kids at least have a chance to come forward no?
      I feel sorry for Epstein and the psychological abuse, good call A.

      Griselda? Obvious? You go too far good woman!

    9. Obvious? Not to me. Please tell me about myself. It is perfectly possible that I am obvious to everyone save myself - my only real purpose in participating is to have the good people of the internet tell me about myself

      Re Epstein last I heard he was going to get some sort of immunity for cooperating with the Feds to out all the other nonces in the system. Hence I go with the theory that he was 'suicided'

  4. Would you like to tell me what the problem is and how you feel about it?

  5. Nutcase:

    I assume from the flurry of responses - in which you've pulled out all your "big guns" - that I was quite correct.

    Don't you know envy is a monster?

    Sucks to be you. Pitiable creature.

    1. are you writing to me? Then why are you off in this random thread? Confusing.

      I assume you speak to me because I believe I'm the one who set you thru the 3 Stages of North Rage

      but seriously I just wanted to apologize, like for reals. I was bored and annoyed and trying to make you mad because you know it's so easy & all. Got you all the way to Level 3 and just wanted to stop before the Nuclear Option

      also I have the weird idea that at some level you dig it

      It's so fun getting a rise out of people who try so hard to NOT get mad and who want to live in their heads so much, because at some level I believe that such people DO desire to seriously Emote or else they'd not endlessly ruminate about some infuriating and remote PP BF who pushes all their buttons.

      but I see now that I was Wrong.

      Let me be the first to say that you are a Real Asset to this site and don't let the haters get you down

    2. Part of you wants to know the truth and this part sometimes seeks my views. The other parts of you - the survivors - despise this part of you and thus attack me.

      Needless to say, you are very resilient and capable and have probably been through some extraordinarily traumatic experiences.

      ME says one shouldn't tell people what they don't already know about themselves, but I think you do know this.

      I don't have much interest in you really but you sure are persistent in trying to get my attention.

      What do you really want? I won't be here much longer: the Project Closure date is t - 21d, which **-* is aware of. I didn't get the chance to wind down my relationship with him in person so it is playing out here and that's fine. But all good things must come to an end. So I encourage you to get whatever it is of your chest in the meantime.

  6. **-*:

    Do you seek proof of love in pain?

    Thankyou for your consideration of this question

    1. Is *** also here?

    2. **-*,

      Do you have less corrosive methods at your disposal?

      Thankyou for your time in responding.

    3. **-*,

      Is the issue more that you love me rather than that I love you? I remember you saying that you like it when a woman loves you because it means you can get what you want.

      I will always love you for the unique and astounding and independent and beautiful person that you are. But I can't forget that you've now deliberately traumatised me twice, and that you always include a dose of pain with the pleasure.

      It was worth it for a long while, but this time when you threw me out to sea, I had to learn to swim on my own.

      I don't want the pain anymore, but it's your only method.

      I was sad today because the reality of this settled completely through my brain and bones. My dreams of living a full life that includes you are not possible.

    4. North, did you lose your mind now?

    5. Anon, what is your interest in my mind? All these people popping up with nothing to say. Dear me.

    6. **-*,
      If that was you, I can only assume it means you've lost your mind and you're now trying to inflict the same on me. Forget about it. Do not attempt, it will not work out well for you.

      You act as though I'm a tasty meal that should just lie still on a plate for you to either eat or throw against the wall.

      You've got your facts wrong, mate. You're model is deeply, which is why you're frustrated.

      I highly recommend considering me as an independent person with thoughts, feelings and bottoms of my own. Instead of trying to control me - an impossible proposition because you have zero leverage - learn to cope with your own feelings. Externalisation is a piss-poor social strategy.

      You could frustrate me while we were together. Now, you've killed all hope and are acting illegally. You better still before you send up in jail. What will your son so then.

      Grow the hell up. I have zero respect for you right now. I thought you were a much better man than this.

    7. *your model is deeply flawed

    8. *thoughts, feelings and volition

      Damn, I really should proof read. You know I have a nice bottom, but you're sure as hell not coming anywhere near it until you behave yourself.

    9. I appreciate you have a different paradigm. I respect you need to be treated gently and sensitively.

      You matter to me a lot and I care about your experience, but be very clear that you are not permitted to hurt me in any way.

      We can have a nice time together if you wish to do so. You can choose what that looks like and when and take all the prevails and comforts and constraints you need, so long as you do not attempt to hurt me.

      Then we can have a nice time and I can kiss you and touch you.

      It does not have to be extreme. Things work best in the middle, that's where they are sustainable.

      I invite you to consider staying in the middle. Would you like that?

    10. My line will not change, **-*. I don't need you in my life, but I do want you. That said, I will not allow you to hurt me.

      I will continue saying this because that's how it is.

      It's up to you.

    11. I know you don't like rules. These are not rules; this is what's available to you.

      I hope when you feel like it we can be friends again.

    12. I have a question, North: does *** answer you between your questions? And why do you have this private conversation (I'm not sure if it is one) here in public in the first place? If you don't want people to comment this or are interested in your mind you shouldn't write all this stuff here.

    13. Come back when you're ready to be a good boy

    14. I'm not *** if that is what you think, North.

    15. I invite you to share your story. What brings you to Sociopath World?

    16. Boredom, curiosity and to see if any interesting people are here. But I'd rather not share my story where everyone can read it. I'm not like you.

    17. Everyone's different. Some are from Mars, some from Venus. I guess some are from Jupiter and Saturn, too. It's 2019: one can't assume gender.

    18. Do you feel offended, North?

    19. The extremes are a natural province for collateral damage. We navigate as best we can.

    20. I'm interested in other considerations you may have as well. Up to you.

    21. What other considerations?

    22. Did you have anything else you wished to communicate?

    23. I wonder if it's really too much dealing with another person's paradigm for too long. Need time in my own zone.

  7. I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.

    The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.

    nonetheless, you command get bought an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following.
    unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly
    the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this increase.


Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies


Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.