To Be a Psychopath - by by C.T.

I don’t experience emotion as a physical feeling like most people do. I understand emotions intellectually. Cognitive being I understand what they mean, and how I should respond but I don’t feel them in my body like humans naturally do. 

It’s real but different. For people without aspd-psychopathy emotion is felt first then they have an understanding of it. For me it’s understood first and that’s where it ends. I experience emotion recognition not emotional sensation. People feel emotion and it’s like an engine driving them. For someone with ASPD-Psychopathy it is like a gps. I know where the emotion is supposed to go but I’m not being fueled or pushed by it. Some people say “so you don’t care” 

Caring isn’t a feeling it’s a decision. I choose behaviors such as loyalty and protection or honesty based on logic not emotional pain or warmth in people. 

Emotions a person with ASPD-Psychopathy can cognitively experience: 

•Affection

•Being eerie of something (not to be confused with anxiety and worry at least for my own self) 

•Interest 

•Jealousy 

•Anger 

•Protectiveness 

•Pride 

•Shallow bouts of cognitive empathy but that’s a very long process. Many years of therapy.

•Loyalty 

•Disappointment

Emotions that are usually completely absent or extremely muted:

•Remorse 

•Guilt 

•Shame 

•Sadness 

•Fear 

•Deep empathy 

•Compassion

•Emotional Love 

•Anxiety 

I having ASPD-Psychopathy and many like me, can understand when they have done something wrong because of impact and consequences. Not because of guilt and remorse those are completely absent from the mind and body. 

We can correct the behavior based off of logic but not because we are emotionally driven to do so. 

How I feel lives in my mind and not my body. So if I ever love someone, I choose how I love instead of feeling it in internally. My natural state is very neutral and monotone. Anything warmer than that is strongly intentional. Peoples emotions happen naturally mine don’t. I have to consciously choose a tone, expression, reaction and response. So I have to constantly monitor myself when interacting especially if it’s someone I find worthy of my affection. That way I don’t come across cold or disconnected. Doing that all day is absolutely fucking exhausting. So a lot of times I just don’t have the bandwidth for engagement even if it is cognitive. People think it’s pulling away even after I explain to them about how ASPD works. It is incredibly frustrating because they don’t understand how exhausting it is to do those things all day everyday because people desire more humanly emotion and interaction. A huge part of antisocial personality disorder is not conforming to social norms as well. We are outside of that. Imagine living in a country where you don’t speak the language fluently. You can communicate to a certain degree; but every single sentence takes thought and effort but some days when you’re super tired you just can’t translate everything in your head. That’s what it’s like for me. I don’t fake care when it’s there but I have to translate everything into cognitive/logic. 

Most romantic partners will struggle with this because even when their partner with aspd-psychopathy explains what they are, they act as though them taking off the mask= rejection, distance, flatness, coldness, etc when in reality their partner is exhausted. The partner with aspd shouldn’t have to cognitively perform on demand. It has nothing to do with their care for them. 

People with aspd- psychopathy are not and should not be required to 

•perform happiness 

•reassure constantly over and over and over 

•emote on demand 

It causes them to over ride their baseline, and expend too much mental effort that will make it harder to keep up with over time. 

If you know someone with these conditions it is better to allow them to take off the mask so when they are ready to exert that effort into cognitive emotion you will in turn get the best of it vs them exhausting themselves with a mask on for every single interaction because you as a friend, family member or romantic partner cannot exist with something different from yourself that makes your natural humanity uncomfortable for even a moment; or challenges even your own sense of self. 

Your loved one with this disorder did not choose it. And if they are choosing to engage in cognitive emotion/interaction for you, that is one of the greatest acts of loyalty, and care you could ever have. ASPD/Psychopathy are rare and is a big diagnosis let alone finding someone with these disorders that can somehow learn to overcome their traits. To challenge their natural state of being. I have made great strides to do so. If they are choosing that, you will never experience a greater effort than the one you will get when you choose to love a psychopath.