Thursday, July 15, 2021

Veteran sports car enthusiast T-Pocket

Author of Confessions of a Sociopath interviews former soldier T-Pocket about how he alternates from boredom to moments punctuated by excitement like driving sports cars and dirt bikes. Sorry for the audio issues!  



9 comments:

  1. @sociopathicprob is an interesting account to follow. I like to ponder the circumstances the might precipitate each tweet.

    Sociopaths are often very succinct and clear. Definitive. It takes others longer to work through the nuances of feeling, I suspect.

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  2. I knew he was untamed as the sea. Why wouldn't he tell me the specifics? Would that have given me too much control? Because he was aware of the culpability I would perceive? I already knew. I already knew.

    He plastered his anger all over my neighbourhood for 18 months. He's gone now and it's my turn to grieve and be angry at the lost opportunity.

    I know nothing will change, he wouldn't have taken a different course no matter what I said or did.

    The last time I saw him, I said he was stupid. This is why. No matter what, he wouldn't look at the facts of my position to inform his. God forbid!

    What rational being refuses to look at facts? This is why I laugh when sociopaths claim super-rationality. That's complete nonsense. Flattened effect =/ rationality.

    I formerly used softer language here because plenty of people helped me. Now, after a certain person's performance on Discord, I'm quite happy to be perfectly frank. Not that I'm trying to upset anyone - I'm stating things as I see them. Take offence if you choose; it's not intended. I'm writing my experience as it is.

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    Replies
    1. Reflections
      What changed for me with the stalking? I now understand what he meant by:
      - "I'm addicted to you"
      - "It's nothing against you"
      - "I don't want a woman in my life"
      These were puzzling statements he repeated many times but would never explain to me. He is obsessive and knows it and he didn't want that impacting his son - he often said he wanted to focus on his son. I couldn't understand what precluded him from both prioritising his son and being a decent human to me. Well, now I have a better understanding.

      What hasn't changed? The delight I took in him and my position that he is not allowed to hurt me.

      I said to him towards the end that if he doesn't want a woman in his life, he can't have me. When I gave him a birthday present, that was altogether too much "being in his life"; I presume this meant he could no longer internally maintain the lie that I wasn't in his life, this making him very cross that his values were compromised. He was very big on his values.

      He told the policeman (after I reported his stalking) that he was happy with his relationship with his ex wife.

      It's better that way.

      As much as I adore him, it's better he lives by his own compass.

      I delighted in him. I don't think sociopaths could ever understand this experience; from interacting with many of you, it seems you consider any delight I had to be purely of his manipulative design. It's nonsense but I won't try to convince you. That's a safety blanket for you; people don't exist independently for you, you control them. It seems fundamental to the sociopathic psyche, a necessary belief for the psychopathic worldview. A capstone that, if removed, entails collapse.

      So believe that I was manipulated into delighting in his graceful way, his quick thinking, his musicality and tenderness, his superfluous precision, his tensionless body, the way he would always put the dishwasher on before bedtime, and always clean the shower whenever he used it.

      I loved him for who he was, knowing he was untamed as the sea. That didn't change. It won't change. I relished every moment with him, knowing it wouldn't last. I loved him more than all the stars and I don't regret that; the experience of it had made me more myself.

      It will take a long time for the intensity to fade away. He may have done away with it in his violent manner - with pools of blood, mock gravestones, painted targets and smashed chairs and walls.

      But the pen is mightier than the sword and I will write my experience faithfully until it is finished.

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    2. After he ended things but before the stalking, I had started to grieve the loss of him.

      When the stalking began, the process changed. I wanted to understand, but I was also fighting for my version of events. I refused to let him influence my personal story.

      That was such an important action.

      Fighting is best avoided, I think, but it's preferable to the alternative. So I fought; which pretty much amounted to a constant assertion that I had loved him. This felt to me to be an essential act of self; a refusal to be annihilated.

      There are always costs to fighting, but actually I think the benefit is greater than the cost in unexpected ways. In fighting him, I built resilience and legitimacy into the part of me that had been lost before I met him.

      I don't need to fight any m more because he is no longer attacking me. I'm free to grieve normally. To feel his loss, to accept he has gone and to enjoy the memories I have of time with him.

      I think when we grieve properly, our experiences enrich us.

      It's hard to accept he won't come back because I saw my future with him. The stalking phase was like a (protracted) breakup - an opportunity to work through our differences. He chose to leave and I accept that. I didn't choose it, wouldn't have chosen it, but if he doesn't want a relationship, it's better to not be in his life. I wish him all the best. That is, I suppose, what loving him actually means - freely letting him go. He wants freedom, he always said that.

      And loving myself means acting in accordance with my own being.

      Delete

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    ReplyDelete

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