Tuesday, January 7, 2014

An escort's unbiased perspective of the spectrums (part 1)

I thought this was an interesting, relatively unbiased perspective from a Swedish female escort comparing her sociopathic, narcissistic, borderline, and autistic clientele:

Plenty of my clients that become regulars, and/or have the tendency to become very personal and go for dates with social time, have 2 traits in common: They earn a lot of money (or else they couldn’t afford me as a steady date) and they have problems with establishing or keeping normal relationships, including sociopaths.

I have a nice little circle of nerdy guys, which could be pretty easily categorized as high functioning aspies (and I believe myself to have some autistic traits as well). But I have come to realize that borderline/bipolar/narcissistic and sociopaths share a lot of the same issues with the aspies, including the issue about cognitive attention in regard of experiencing empathy.
 and I think you have found an important key there, which intersects all of the three categories of people mentioned above.

From my observations, I have made following theory about how two types of attention affect the ability to perform socially appropriate emotional responses:

1) First, external and perceptive attention, which is the ability to a) perceive, b) interpret and c) assess objective “states of facts”, according the socially desired standards of normalcy. It’s about appropriately perceiving, interpreting and assessing the social reality of complex values and meanings in specific situations.

2) Second,internal and emotional attention, which is the ability to intuitively and immediately a) trigger, b) experience and c) display emotional responses, and do so in an appropriate correspondence to the state of facts we objectively perceive.
This is also about to within ourselves experience the “right”, or the socially desirable, emotional responses for the specific situation, in accordance to what is defined as normal by culture and society.

Aspies have trouble with the first, performing external perceptive attention (and to make socially appropriate interpretations and assessments of objective states of facts), which is what hampers their attentive ability to perceive complex social meanings and values in specific situations.
This leads to an incapacity to perform the second ability of emotional attention, regarding triggering, experiencing and displaying the appropriate emotional responses. In other words, since their first perception of “what is going on” often is insufficient or faulty, their emotional responses also goes astray from what is socially considered as appropriate.

While sociopaths manage the first ability of performing external perceptive attention (and make objectively appropriate interpretations and assessments) they have lapses and gaps in the second ability of internal emotional attention, regarding triggering, experiencing and displaying the socially appropriate emotional responses. (Otherwise, I really don't believe that so called sociopaths "lack" emotions, are incapable of love or such, I just think that they have a problem to trigger and experience these emotions in appropriate correspondence to the situations of when it is socially expected of them.) Which I think in turn interacts with how they actually perform the first ability of perceptive attention, as their emotional experiences get uniquely different, and so give them a different pre-understanding for how to continuously perceive, interpret and assess their social reality. This might not show immediately, since they still can make a “good enough” interpretation and assessment of complex social values and meaning, and so pretty much function anyway, if they just learn to act and fake a bit at displaying the “appropriate” emotions, which they did not manage to trigger or experience in themselves.

The borderline/bipolar/narcissistic, I believe, have problems both with having a good external perceptive attention in situations - because their cognitive focus on the outside world gets distracted by their inner emotional turmoil. And they have problems performing internal emotional attention - because their emotions are like a malfunctioning gas-pedal, so they easily under-react or over-react, and so have difficulty appropriately tuning and regulating their emotional responses according to social standards. That is why you find callous narcissists and self-sacrificing martyrs at the same time here, or people that appear pretty much as hypocritical enigmas, like fighting for human rights on one hand (and believing in it) while neglecting their own children on the other hand (and not noticing it). 

This is how I, as an escort, have theorized how these different types of persons seem to largely end up with about the same problems, regarding being alienated and (in the practical sense of social interaction) not being fully emotionally functional.

Because the problematic consequence of not being able to trigger and experience the appropriate emotional responses in accordance with social expectations, is that emotion is what motivates us to think and act intuitively. As I think a social researcher named Arlie Hochschild said “emotion is proto-state both to cognition and action” (although I’m not 100% sure that quite is exactly correct).

But what people most notice, is that empathy seem to be lacking in people with this kind of attentive disabilities. Even though the issue of empathy merely is one symptom (among many) of an underlying cause – which actually is about malfunctioning ability for external perceptive attention and internal emotional attention.

37 comments:

  1. This post is nice, and seems on the money. ME, your blog is great for stuff like this.

    One thing that's great about customer service jobs (e.g. whore) is that you get to deal with lots of people and notice patterns in thinking, emotion, etc in a way that you'd not be able to otherwise.

    I have an example of a sociopath failing to connect with another person. A friend just told me that she's sad. Her ex-husband just got his new wife pregnant. She feels a sense of loss.

    I figured it had to do with competition, and feeling like she's losing the race.

    When she said this, I said I was sorry, but that hey, the ex-husband had filled up his new wife's vagina with cum, and when you do that, women get pregnant. That's just how it works.

    I really said it that way - to help her, and because I get a thrill out of being terribly vulgar. It is a vice.

    Mistake! I was supposed to say, "I'm sorry you feel sad. Please tell me more."

    For me, if I'm sad or angry, it is typically enough to remember that we live in an impersonal world of cause and effect. Things can't be any different than they are.

    I might not like it that my peers are doing better in life than I am. I might feel angry or sad - as if the universe is out to mess with me by helping them and hurting me. But then I have to remember, "oh yeah, they show up for work, work hard on boring things, are polite and cynically kiss the right asses, day after day - all the stuff I don't do. And in this universe, that is what it takes to get ahead."

    So when my friend mentioned feeling sad, I tried to do the nice thing for her by helping her to see things dispassionately. And instead she thought I was denying her feelings, being vulgar and insensitive.

    C'est la vie.

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    Replies
    1. All that autism.

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    2. I know you were trying to be vulgar, but maybe your were also trying to be funny? when I say stuff like that its usually a joke

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    3. It's both. Vulgarity breaks enough emotional tension to be hella useful.

      *sigh* untapped potential

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    4. The key here is your narcissism. When your friend told you her feelings, your first action was to satisfy yourself; in this case by being vulgar. If you take your own needs out of the equation (including your need to help her) you would then be acting empathetically. You are right, you should have said, tell me more, thus keeping the attention on her. If you are in doubt, it's a safe response to reply with a question.

      MelissaR

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    5. I don't really enjoy listening to other people's personal problems either.

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    6. I don't enjoy listening to people's problems, but I probably should be.

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    7. Why do you think u should be? Are you a therapist??

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    8. Folks do seem to get off on unburdening their problems on other folks, and because of the way my nervous system fires, I really dont have too much interest in their self generated crap-getting passed my own is hard enough.

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    9. The "situation" is an active state of events a process if you will, the messages we pass on to each-other are static and we seem to be incapable of assuming their active form if we want to communicate moment to moment.
      In saying that I am assuming a specific yet shifting surge of emotions moment to moment, and to choose, not to make up my mind to quick is still a choice i am predisposed to become aware often if the knowledge of this choice existing is there to begin with or acquired by training.
      I contend that individuals (including my self)develop preferences for static and flowing identities with only one essential efficiency trait, relative VALUE.
      All other traits are up for discussion and relative to time, so, as long as an individual uses the phrase "I am an ..... fill the blank" is defining one self by terms belonging to the "Grammar" of a philosophy or ideology which he has not defined for himself/herself just yet.
      I suggest trying not call upon yourselves with titles that justify a tragic state of affairs, just your name will do, and a sweet and tender voice, its a strange love affair and we all eventually die, memento mori, remember death, cherish life, and these two statements don't have to clash, it is a free universe as far as you act within the boundaries that are made known to you by your senses and know that every individual can control his/her own emotions if he /she first accepts them through self-empathy first... you cant feel for others if you first do not how to feel for your own self, emotions, thoughts, motives...
      .A.

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  2. This rings very true. I particularly like her characterization of the BPD/narcissistic/bipolar category and her point that the internal emotional storm is so loud that cues they might otherwise perceive might be missed.
    This wild inconsistency based on fluctuating emotional states is why I would far rather interact with a sociopath (in a non predatory context of course) than one of these individuals. They will punish you because they feel bad inside with a viciousness than far exceeds the callous destructiveness of the sociopath.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that is what turns guys off to me. One reason of several i do not go looking to cohabitate is because i dont want to lose them. I like down time too. I see my anger go to their throats and i see them thinking a hatchett is coming out of my pocketbook (some guys like this drama too.freaks) then i say it i time to go away from them because they will have a sensitivity problem with me.

      I tell them in advance and they are like "oh no you are normal, oh no you are great, i want to spend more and more time getting to know you." Im like no .you think you do, but you dont. I see you are sweet, i see you deserve nice treatment. Let me give you that all the time, so give me some fucking peace and i will goddammit lol.

      It is nice to be able to warn them in advance. it makes me feel very socio lolololol

      Delete
    2. temporarily go away from them, that is.

      Delete
  3. I think the person’s emotional/social “need” to be empathetic in many cases determines how “appropriate” he/she behaves. And people’s emotional/social “needs” varies at different time and situations based on many many variables- it’s not only based on their personality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's why its real easy to figure out whats important to someone. If all of a sudden theyre going all full on empathy then something or someone's important to them or else it's for benefit of onlookers.
      Im always very touched by real empathy. But maybe it is the kind of empathy. Or maybe just by someone's genuine kindness.

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    2. “Genuine kindness” to a total stranger is rare- b.c. human nature, tribal instincts, safety…It can be achieved easily by reasoning, though.

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    3. And by that I meant "real empathy" doesn't have to come from heart- heart makes more mistake.

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    4. I never thought of that before, Do you think thatt for some reason on the internet, genuine kindness is can be easier for that reason? The virtual world can be safer? @ 117

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  4. My problems relating to people have to do with not feeling safe around them. I can see they don't feel safe around me. But then every once in a blue moon I remember that nobody has intentions, we can all feel safe.

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  5. From an average whore's perspective, they're all the same.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you an average whore?

      Delete
    2. You are one cheeky cunt mate I swear I am going to wreck you I swear on my mums life.

      Delete
    3. You would not wreck me, if you found me. You'd fuck my cunt good.The cunt word has the opposite affect on me. Gets me wet and turns me into a whore. ;)

      Delete
    4. Avaunt!

      What affront didst thou just proclaimest against my honour, foul knave? I would that thou knowest I was knighted by King Richard the Lionheart himself, and I've taken part in numerous holy Crusades against the Saracen dogs, and I have slain over 300 heathens. I am trained in siege warfare and I'm the fairest knight in the entire kingdom. Thou'rt nothing to me, merely another knave. I shall smite thee with precision the likes of which has never been witnessed before in all of Christendom, markest my damned words.

      Thou believest thou wouldst escape retribution for such honourless words over the Internet? Methinks not, villein. As we speaketh now I am contacting my secret network of spies across the whole of England and word of thy whereabouts is being delivered to me at this very moment so thou shouldst preparest for the storm, knave. The storm that purges Christendom of the pathetic thing thou callest an existence. Thou'rt already fallen, villein. I can be anywhere, at any time, and I can slay thee in over seven hundred ways, and that's merely with the hilt of my sword. Not only am I extensively trained in swordsmanship, but I have access to the entire serjeanty of my lord King Richard and I will use it to its fullest extent to purge thy wretched soul from the face of the continent, foul knave. If only thou couldst have known what holy retribution thy wretched 'clever' comment wouldst bring down upon thee, perhaps thou wouldst have held thy serpent tongue. But thou couldst not, thou didst not, and now thy blood shall be recompense for my dishonour, wretched dog. I shall rain fury from the heavens and thou shalt drown in it.

      Thou'rt already fallen, villein.

      Delete
    5. Ok fine, let's just fuck first. Kill me later with thy sword thy lordy knight. Use your sword to caress my labia. Juice me up, lick it up, fuck me good. Let me taste you first. All of you. Then we shall see if you want to sleigh me afterwards. Or go for another round of play.

      Delete
    6. May I join also? I want some of this sweet pussy juice to taste on my tongue. What an offer.

      Delete
    7. That is wonderful 313

      Delete
    8. can I just sort of watch? Or make suggestions from the sidelines?

      Delete
    9. No, you have to be a participant.

      Delete
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