Sociopaths in literature: E.M. Forster's Maurice

A slow nature such as Maurice's appears insensitive, for it needs time even to feel. Its instinct is to assume that nothing either for good or evil has happened, and to resist the invader. Once gripped, it feels acutely, and its sensations in love are particularly profound. Given time, it can know and impart ecstasy; given time, it can sink to the heart of Hell. Thus it was that his agony began as a slight regret; sleepless nights and lonely days must intensify it into a frenzy that consumed him. It worked inwards, till it touched the root whence body and soul both spring, the "I" that he had been trained to obscure, and, realized at last, doubled its power and grew superhuman. For it might have been joy. New worlds broke loose in him at this, and he saw from the vastness of the ruin what ecstasy he had lost, what a communion.

Maybe not full-fledged sociopath, maybe just baby or very high functioning sociopath, maybe just British.

Sociopaths in the news: candidates for early release from prison

The subheading of this article says it all: "Psychopathic criminals are more likely to be released from prison than non-psychopaths, even though they are more likely to re-offend, a study suggests."

The psychopaths had committed significantly more offences (both violent and non-violent), and psychopathic child abusers had far more charges and convictions than non-psychopathic offenders.

The researchers from Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia found psychopathic offenders were around 2.5 times more likely to have been given a conditional release than undiagnosed offenders.

And on average, psychopaths offended again, and were returned to prison after one year, compared with two for non-psychopaths.
...
"Psychopaths are so adept at "putting on a good show" and using crocodile tears that they can be convincing to psychologists as well as other professionals.

"They use non-verbal behaviour, a "gift of gab", and persuasive emotional displays to put on an Oscar award winning performance and move through the correctional system and ultimately parole boards relatively quickly, despite their known diagnosis."

Ah, those sneaky psychopaths.

Ruining people: reflecting back

Friend: I like reading your blog, btw. Who are K. and C.?

M.E.: K. and C. Ah, the blog doesn't even do the whole story justice. I didn't want to bog the story down with too many details, including that while all that was happening I was dating some other naif. I know that if I were to be on my death bed, the K./C. thing is the part of my life I would relive over and over again.

The best quality about C. at that time was the ability to attract K., with whom, of course, I was fascinated. True to my narcissism, it wasn't really because K. was great or anything but because I saw K. as being part of me. I mean, K. was interesting. K. had no sense of keeping personal things private, particularly to people like me who would use that information for evil. So vulnerable. K. still tells me the most random personal things. It's like a vampire movie where the love interest/victim is always traipsing along giving herself paper cuts, or tripping and scraping a knee, or cutting her finger while chopping onions, that sort of a thing. I think my favorite part was that K. was constantly providing me fodder for destruction without my having to work for it. I never ended up abusing that info because K. just seemed so hapless. K. would psychologically fall into my lap all the time. Even if K. wasn't telling me about random personal information, for some reason that info would just come to me, effortlessly, through other sources. It was such a head trip. Sometimes I wondered whether I myself was being set-up because things could not have gone more perfectly if they were intentionally designed. The power struggle was so imbalanced that I just sat back and watched most of the time, morbidly curious to see what else would reveal itself. That and I really started to see K. as my good twin, like in a total "Am I my brother's keeper" quandary of balancing desire to destroy with a sense of responsibility and desire for self-preservation. It was weird. There were so many interesting psychological angles going on, which was why everything, even the most mundane of conversations, was absolutely thrilling to participate in. Just thinking about it makes me salivate, makes me shiver. In fact, I almost avoid K. now because K. is like a dessert that is too rich, painfully pleasurable. K. gives me a stomachache.

Sometimes I still entertain the thought of telling K. everything, like maybe when K. moves away and we no longer have mutual friends. There were so, so many times when I wanted to confess to K., particularly at the beginning. Part of me, maybe like Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons, really wanted something real to come from our interactions, whatever that might mean. I was genuinely fond of K., smitten even. I wanted to be sincere, I wanted to be loyal. I felt that it was almost cruel how the universe had turned K. over to me, a wolf in sheep's clothing. I really did worry about what toying with K. would do to me, like all those Roman era movies where emperors and statesmen were sacrificing/torturing the one person they loved. Why? Because to love something was such an unacceptable weakness? An intolerable invulnerability? I don't know where that impulse came from, but I recognized it in myself.

But it was a very rich life experience that has cemented in my mind who I am, my particular flaws, my sometimes sordid desires. It has given me a very real sense of self like nothing else had before or has after. Maybe I'll put a redacted version of this email on the blog as well. It's probably entertaining to get the back story a little better...

Ruining people: months later

C.: Hey

M.E.: Hey there

C.: Have you done anything with K. lately?

M.E.: Not lately. But I think things are okay. We have pseudo-good interactions. As good as can be expected.

C.: Haha

M.E.: K. doesn't trust me, and for good reason. K. doesn’t know the reason, probably thinks any feelings of mistrust are just grounded in jealousy so tries to ignore them, but they are actually well-founded.

C.: Well-founded?

M.E.: Yeah, I am constantly trying to manipulate or set K. up for something.

C.: Why?

M.E.: Because (1) I can (2) part of me thinks K. deserves it because K. has power over me -- I'm just striking first. But of course K. doesn't know or care about any power over me. That's why I'm such a scary person

C.: You're scary? I think you're nice. Or is it possible to be scary and nice?

M.E.: I want to be nice, but the side of me that is smart and good at manipulation and scared wants to control. Wants to let people know that I have the power, wants to convince myself that I am still in some semblance of control. Because I feel like K. as all the control.

C.: Just let go.

M.E.: I know! I try! I really do, I fight all of this. It is just so natural for me, though, and so tempting. I will do it both on accident and as an indulgence. Yhe indulgence part is the really shameful part.

C.: Well, we all have our hobbies. Shameful and otherwise.

M.E.: True. But, I mean, I can see why K. is distrustful, but attracted to me as a friend because I am sorta nice. It's just a delicate balance. I think K. understands that I might be an enemy, realizes that we are rivals. and maybe K likes that I want you two to be together, or maybe K. hates it and hates me even more thinking that I could have you and don't care to.

C.: Yeah, probably. What a tangled web.

M.E.: Yeah. So I have backed off of K.

C.: I see. You have a pretty sophisticated way of assessing relationships, I must say.

M.E.: Sophisticated or freaky. I mean, this is why I am able to tweak with people. I'm like an alcoholic who works at a winery.

C.: What's an example of being able to tweak someone?

M.E.: Haha, you of all people should know. Probably the best example was how I pushed you to seduce K and then "ruined" you. You are a willing player in my machinations, even from the first time you presented K. to me at that party. It was like a cat bringing back to the owner a rat that it had killed. There was always a weird vibe about our interactions.

C.: You wanted to ruin me? Haha.

M.E.: I told you that at the time. I said something like, "I have this sudden impulse to ruin you for K."

C.: Ah, I must have not heard that. But, nonetheless, it's the thought that counts. Haha.

M.E.: Yeah, you probably stopped listening after "impulse."

C.: Probably so.

Ruining people (part VIII)

M.E.: I'm thinking about making out with C. Good idea or bad idea?

Disapproving friend: C.'s at your flat now?

M.E.: Yeah, but K. is coming to pick C. up anytime now.

Friend: You know what I think about that.

M.E.: You'll have to be more explicit, otherwise I will find a loophole.

Friend: I'm not the tax code.

M.E.: No, you're right. It's just that it is so tempting for some reason, especially because C. is only here for another 45 minutes and then is going to spend the rest of the day with K. i feel like ruining C. for K.

Friend: :(

I had had enough. C. had had enough too, and was starting to grow disinterested in the game, and even in me. C. had stayed with me the evening before. That morning, K. was meant to pick C. up to spend the day together, but K. was terribly late. I was frustrated with C. and frustrated with K. In my mind I had been building a prison for both of them to rest comfortably in, watched over by me. Neither seemed to want to cooperate with that vision, however. I realized that I was becoming greedy and that it was time to get out while I was still ahead.

C. would be gone for at least a month before coming back again. K. was 10 minutes away from picking C. up. For some reason all I wanted to do was seduce C. It wasn't difficult. I looked up and said, "I sort of want to kiss you. I want to ruin you for K." Immediately C. was coming towards me slowly, saying "Really? I mean it wouldn't have to be a big deal or anything, you know." And that was the last thing we said to one another that day. Ten minutes later K. called, interrupting us. C. answered. "I'll be right down." Without a word, without even looking at me, C. got up and left. I watched them drive away, self-satisfied.

Ruining people (part VII)

For a while I thought C. would do whatever I said, including play an active and knowing part in the ruination of K. I started to worry that C. was growing impatient with the game, though, and in any case it was foolish to rest all of my hopes on C.'s successful implementation of my schemes. That and I felt that if I pushed C. too hard on K., K. would smell a rat. Here's me doing a few final preparations before going in for the kill -- backpedalling, undermining C., upsetting K., making myself look apathetic, etc., Like an athlete dusting his hands with chalk:

M.E.: Hey, you had asked me about C.'s future plans. C. was talking to me last night about going to school up north but first a trip to South America for the fall, whatever that means.

K: What?? C. told me that it was off to school in the fall, moving in Aug. What is C. doing in South America?

M.E.: Studying Spanish? I told C. to just get a job at a tapas place.

K: Exactly, but it is more expensive here.... I don't get how C. affords to travel so much. C. can't get paid THAT much

M.E.: Right, but C. is flaky, always with the in and out of school. I have given many a lecture about finances and responsibility, but to no avail. C. has vague sorts of desires, but also issues about rejection, so paralyzed into inaction.

K: I didn't know that. Explains some. I know it shouldn't matter, but is C. really planning on going back to school, or just lying to me?

M.E.: Yeah, I don't know. But to the extent I could have been perceived as endorsing C., I want to withdraw that endorsement.

K: Well you were pretty pro-C. last night. But after further research you have moved to the fence?

M.E.: Yeah, I've moved at least to the fence. I don't mind being friends with bad people, I just want other people to know that I know they are bad but I am okay with it to a certain point. You should know that C. is bad news, though -- not to be trusted.

K: Well, that is good to know. Okay, I have to run. Don't let C.'s goings on stress you out.

M.E.: Don't worry, I don't care about c enough to give it a second thought.

K: I didn't think you did.

Ruining people (part VI)

M.E.: I am talking to C. the phone. Should I suggest the K. thing?

Disapproving friend: No judgment or opinion here (not because i don't care).

M.E.: I am trying to decide between forcing C. to keep K. posted on what's going on, i.e. C. will be around soon (next weekend, btw) OR seeing the reaction when i tell K. myself when C. will be here and let K. wonder why C. didn't bother saying so earlier. I'm actually excited for C. to come this time. I feel like things might get fun. Maybe I should just tell C. straight up that being perceived as dating a rival is always an attractive trait, and I do consider K. to be a rival. Maybe C. would be a more willing participant then.

Friend: Do you even want "willing"?

M.E.: okay, wait -- I just told C. that it gives me a good deal of pleasure to be around the two of them, made C. message K. about next weekend, and told C. to read or at least watch Dangerous Liaisons before coming here.

Friend: Okay, you can never tease me about my weird interest in homoeroticism and/or bad, creepy old people, because you are one twisted specimen.

M.E.: That's such a funny word, twisted.

Ruining people (part V)

Becoming friends with someone you plan to ruin is key to your enjoyment. If you are not friends with the person, then how will you ever be able to watch them writhe? But is there such thing as becoming too close? One evening, early on, I met up with C. and K. at a sporting event. We had dinner later and talked. It turned out K. and I were born hours apart. We had the same predilections, the same pet peeves, the same communication style. I started to think of K. as an alterego -- I'm the bad twin, K. is the good twin. "Am I my brother's keeper?" I wondered. As I began to conflate myself with K. more and more in my mind, I became more conflicted. Was destroying K. a masochistic act?

C: K saw you at a party yesterday?

M.E.: Right, I keep wanting to hang out more to get the dirt, but K. never commits. I think I might have said something upsetting this time, though. I told K. we dated. When did you two talk?

C: Oh yeah? Did K. act weird? We talk maybe once twice a week.

M.E.: No, just sort of surprised at the way I just said it, and then K. said something sort of sheepish like, I sort of wondered about that.

C: Did you say it was the greatest time of your life?

M.E.: No, I tried very hard to keep what i said about you only positive. The moment was crazy charmingly priceless, though. K.'s crestfallen face will forever be imprinted in my memory banks. It was the face of snuffed out hope.

C: Haha..cool Hahaha..nicely done.

M.E.: But these and other recent interactions make me even more certain that K. is smitten with you.

C: I know it takes concentration. Maybe you should tell the real truth about me, then K. won't be so smitten.

M.E.: I know, I thought about that too, but I don't think K. would trust it from me. I don't think K. trusts me. K.'s a little wary of me, and for good reason. It's like K. intuits that I'm dangerous, but the rational mind can't think of any reason why. Part of me loves watching K. fight the intuition, part of me wants to let K. know that I am dangerous, particularly for K. But maybe I'm not, really, you know? I don't think I would hurt K. Well, probably not now at least.

C: If you felt K. trusted you, and if you were to warn K. about me, what would be your top-ten things to say about me negatively?

M.E.: I would say that you are a little cold-hearted, that K. shouldn't get too attached, or should always maintain some sort of boundaries with you to avoid getting hurt.

C: Ok, that's two...haha.

M.E.: Well, the list could go on forever. Those were just the first two that sprung to mind. But maybe I am just projecting.

Ruining people (part IV)

The thing I liked best about ruining K. was that I performed flawlessly (or at least at the top of my game) without making some of my more common mistakes. For instance, if I'm not careful, I can become so caught up with trying to dominate someone that I lose a certain degree of control and focus. It's easy for me to obsess about things and lose the forest for the trees. With K., however, I was confident that if I just waited patiently, opportunities would arise. And they did -- better and more frequently than I could have hoped.

At the time, C. had been transitioning to another city for work and rather than keep a flat in both cities, C. just stayed with me every few weeks. C.'s visits made me an unavoidable presence in K.'s life. Additionally, K. and I had mutual friends, so I would see K. at social events or better still see K.'s friends without K. These friends were well-meaning enough, but also naive. I casually shook them down for information: "Oh, so you're friends with K. Yes, I just met K. through our mutual friend C. Yes you know? K. talks all the time about C.? Hopefully only good things, haha. K. admires C. a good deal? Well, yes, I think C. likes K. quite a lot as well."

Shaking people down for information is always tricky. You need to convince the friends that they are doing the right thing, that they aren't betraying their friend. It can't seem like an interrogation. The conversation must always feel casual, like small talk. It's like coaxing a little flame into a fire -- too strong or too weak and your flame will be extinguished. To gently feed the flame you must keep the friend comfortable. Lull the friend into a false sense of security by showing enough weakness that the friend does not see you as a threat. mimic the friend -- I'm just like you, just trying to help a friend find love. Volunteer seemingly private or personal misinformation like "C. likes K." to give the impression that the friend is in control and coaxing information out of you rather than the other way around. All of this amounts to a verbal sleight of hand where you exploit your opponent's expectations, blindspots, and overconfidence to disguise your own actions and intentions. In doing these things, you are literally "playing the person," which phrase, as a musician, has a special resonance for me.

It's good to realize early on that the joy in ruining people is in the journey, not the destination. These little forays with the friends were not only means to an end, but their own independent sources of pleasure.

Ruining people (part III)

It was obvious from their interactions that K. was smitten with C. In my mind I quickly did the calculations -- K. is smitten with C., C. is smitten with me, and I needed to destroy K. Of course by needed I mean wanted, or more accurately I figured there was little downside in using C. as a weapon against K., and it might conveniently poison C.'s feelings towards me, like poisoning a leech to get it to let go. Plus, better safe than sorry, right? It's never good to have even a potential doppelganger running around planning to kill you to assume your identity, etc.

I could tell immediately that my game playing with C. and K. would be different than my typical M.O. When I know I have an ace up my sleeve, my games generally resemble more of a cold war than scorched earth -- once winning has become a fait accompli, I cut the target lose. My rationale is that like in sport fishing: the fun is in catching the fish, not in cleaning, cooking, and handling the fish afterwards, so why not throw the fish back to be caught another day. K was going to be different, though, I could tell. K. seemed more Moby Dick than tuna. In hindsight, there was nothing inherently special about K., but still I was somehow moved, even a little disturbed by our first interaction. And perhaps it was just my delusion of K. as doppelganger, but I began to see the whole thing not as a battle against K. (who turned out to be disappointingly weak), but rather a battle against myself.

Ruining people (part II)

I am terrible about breaking up with people. Once I lose interest in someone, I usually prefer to string them along until they leave me alone of their own accord. I would rather the inconvenience of this than the possibility of an emotional scene. I don't really understand when people get emotional about things, and I can't stand it when people cry in response to something I have said or done. I feel like it is such a cheap shot, particularly since if they know me at all, they should understand that I am not going to be able to deal with those emotions. It's like expecting someone confined to a wheelchair to walk up the stairs, or maybe being mad at your child for not being the gender you wanted him or her to be. In fact, one of the only surefire ways to make me upset/angry is to cry when in a confrontation with me. So because I want to avoid the loss of control and damage that can be done when I am upset or angry, along with wanting generally to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness, I try to avoid an emotionally charged dissolution to a relationship.

I dated C. for a while, and even considered the possibility of a long term arrangement, but ultimately lost interest. C. did not. C. was sure to keep in touch, and in passive-aggressive ways always seemed to be part of my life. C. wasn't going to tire easy, I could tell, so I tried to explore suitable replacements. One such replacement appeared on a night when C. and I attended a themed party together. Kissing games were part of the theme of this particular party. As soon as were entered and got separated in the crowd, C. was accosted by someone as part of one of these games, a person whom I was later introduced to as K. I watched the interaction bemusedly and later teased C. about K. Where was K. now? Why was C. not with K? They seemed like a perfect pair. Perhaps even more than wanting to find my replacement, I was intrigued by this K. character. I was struck by the similarities in our appearances, in the way we dressed, in the way we carried ourselves.

Sensing the implicit command in our dialogue, C. left and fetched K., presented like a pet presents its kill to its master. As C. pushed K. forward awkwardly and stepped back to watch, K. gave me a puzzled, embarrassed look. I quickly tried to smooth over C.'s social gaffe by making quick small talk: very pleased to meet you, where are you from, what do you do, etc. I was surprised to find myself unnerved in K.'s presence. The similarities were, in my mind, striking. I felt as if I were in the presence of my doppelganger, and suddenly remembered that you are meant to kill your doppelganger before your doppelganger kills you first. Still my inherent narcissism hesitated, wanting to keep the doppelganger in front of me to admire its fine qualities. I was quite taken with K. -- taken, and a little afraid for myself.

Ruining people (part I)

My biggest sociopathic indulgence -- the biggest temptation I allow myself to succumb to -- is ruining people. Sociopaths are all power hungry. The acquisition, retention, and exploitation of power are among the most motivating factors that sociopaths experience, if not the most motivating factor. Everyone has their different tastes in regards to power, just like everyone has their different tastes in regards to fulfilling their hunger for physical nourishment. My bread and butter is feeling like my mind and my ideas are shaping the world around me (which is of course why I bother writing this blog). That's my daily porridge keeping me from starving, but the true delicacy in my power diet is to indelibly insert myself into someone's psyche and wreak havoc, like an emotional lobotomy. Ruining people: the sort of "motiveless malignity" that has made Iago's actions so horrifyingly inscrutable to centuries of audiences and would-be thespians. It sounds terrible, right? Even I have to acknowledge that it is pretty heartless. It is the one completely destructive-for-the-sake-of-destructiveness thing I do that makes me able to empathize with serial killers -- or at least understand a little of where they're coming from.

How many times have I done this? A little here, a little there when I was younger. Frequently I would do it without really being aware of what I was doing, the way many people we admire can callously disregard our feelings, thriving on the self-importance they feel from the interactions without being self-aware enough to realize what they are doing to people around them and why. We can all tell when people have crushes on us, sexual or platonic. To exploit those feelings in others in any way is a low-grade example of this "ruining."

As I got older and burned one bridge too many for my own comfort, I learned to control these petty urges, steering them to more constructive purposes, typically seduction. For some reason everyone wants to be seduced, perhaps the result of some Freudian death drive or an evolutionary trick to get us to procreate. I learned to flirt with everyone, male or female, gay or straight, just as an infant will flirt with everyone, including strangers, sometimes involuntarily, as an evolutionarily selected survival skill. Cultivating these relationships of power and influence makes up my vegetarian diet of emotional/psychological sway over people. I may fantasize about ruining these people one day, as if I am cultivating them all for an eventual harvest/feast, but I know that the cost of such a harvest in the long run will outweigh the immediate benefits I may get. I've have learned too well not to defecate where I consume. Sometimes, though, the stars align in such a way that the benefits do exceed the costs, maybe because the target is my enemy, or is a villain of whom society would applaud the destruction, or there is little to no chance of discovery, etc. Those times are feasts indeed. I had one particularly potent experience that still gives me thrills of pleasure from just thinking about it . . .

Self-diagnosed sociopath

I wonder whether there's any benefit to being professionally diagnosed a sociopath. In the age of Google, I'm sure there has been an upswing in hypochrondia, and you always hear doctors warn us not to self-diagnose. But what if you are concerned that you have a disease that will result in discrimination? Leprosy, tuberculosis, avian flu, and AIDS are all examples. Particularly for a disorder that is apparently untreatable, like sociopathy, is there any benefit in being professionally diagnosed?

I myself am self-diagnosed. I have seen a professional before and expressed concern about my tendencies, but it was laughed off and I didn't pursue it further because the person seemed inadequate for my needs. I pursued it a little further, trying to research and contact experts in my area, but people seemed wary of treating a sociopath and I started getting concerned about the paper trail I might have been leaving. So I've never been officially diagnosed, but I still wonder whether there's any value in it. Maybe legitimacy? For all I know, I am not really a sociopath. I know the word is just a label and won't actually change who I am, but I wonder if I would be happy or sad to get a negative diagnosis for sociopathy.