Monday, June 6, 2016

Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there

Not sure what that lyric means, particularly in this context. But it's an interesting sort of cultural/political divide between the empathetic and the non. On the one hand are the people who think that there emotions basically signal objective reality -- Truth, capital T about the world. On the other side of the perspective, people who think that there is no truth or non-subjective value to emotions.

Martha Nussbaum writes about the potential reasoning value of emotions:

If emotions are suffused with intelligence and discernment, and if they contain in themselves an awareness of value or importance, they cannot, for example, easily be sidelined in accounts of ethical judgment, as so often they have been in the history of philosophy. Instead of viewing morality as a system of principles to be grasped by the detached intellect, and emotions as motivations that either support or subvert our choice to act according to principle, we will have to consider emotions as part and parcel of the system of ethical reasoning. We cannot plausibly omit them, once we acknowledge that emotions include in their content judgments that can be true or false, and good or bad guides to ethical choice. We will have to grapple with the messy material of grief and love, anger and fear, and the role these tumultuous experiences play in thought about the good and the just.

[…]

Emotions are not just the fuel that powers the psychological mechanism of a reasoning creature, they are parts, highly complex and messy parts, of this creature’s reasoning itself.

Yes, that sounds right, highly complex and messy parts.

And also, even if they are aspects of our reasoning, that doesn't mean they're not problematic. E.g.:

In the very nature of our early object relations … there lurks a morally subversive combination of love and resentment, which springs directly from the thought that we need others to survive and flourish, but do not at all control their movements. If love is in this way always, or even commonly, mixed up with hatred, then, once again, this might offer us some reasons not to trust to the emotions at all in the moral life, but rather to the more impersonal guidance of rules of duty.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Sociopath?

Asks a reader:

Good morning, or afternoon, evening depending where in the world you find yourself, I'm in the UK.
The amount of these emails you've probably had I've no doubt must be overwhelming and somewhat tedious, but I am compelled to send you another for your perusal, and, hopefully, an insightful opinion.

It's that age old question you are surely plagued with...am I a sociopath?

I'm a 37 year old male and several times, by several different people, most notably my mother, I have been asked, or, had suggested to me that I am a sociopath, I have based myself on self diagnosis and don't believe I am, but, I'd like your opinion if I may.
There are many factors in me that would suggest I am, but in my mind, there are also many which tell me I'm not.
I have recently met a girl who is a self diagnosed sociopath, and I developed an almost instant infatuation with her.
Like nothing I've known before, I can't say for definite if it's love I feel, but if it is, love is good. It is her diagnosis of me which leads me to question myself to you.
I am different, I know that, I know I think.differently to my friends and family and they know it too, but a sociopath? I'm not sure.
Ok, I'll get down to it.
I'll try and keep it factual as I have, as you may already have noticed, a tendency for verbosity.
I have a remarkable memory, I'm pretty sure I could remember being born if I tried, and I can recall minor events throughout my years in perfect clarity, so, if I may, I'd like to share some with you.

As a young boy my mother feared to reprimand me for wrong doings, not because I was violent or angry with her, but because, as she stated, I would stare emptily at her like I wanted to kill her and it frightened her to the point she couldn't make eye contact with me. I quickly learned that I could use this to my advantage and would push the situation beyond what was acceptable to gauge the reaction I could get from her.
I still do, in all walks of life.
I am a practising and passionate Sadist in the bdsm scene, I use the look to frighten the living shit out of potential partners, and it works infallibly.

You know what? I'm going to stop.
I could go on about every moment through my life, but I'm pretty sure you've heard it all before.

I ruin people for pure pleasure, I let people come to me online and in person and find every flaw in them, physically and mentally, as they talk and move I watch and listen.
I was obsessed, well, am, obsessed with Stockholm syndrome, but now I think it may be more than that. I get into people's minds, make them dependant on me to the point when they begin to panic if I don't reply or agree to see them. I become, effortlessly exactly who they need me to be, I build them up, make them exactly who I know they want to be.
Then watch them burn.
And I love it, I quote lyrics from songs at them as they break without them realising I'm doing it. But I don't let them go, I keep them dangling with promises they're the one, only them, that I can change...for them...then I do it again. And again.
I could make them kill themselves, I know I'm perfectly capable of it, but I'm too aware that our conversations via text will likely be on their phone, and I don't want to go to prison.

I do tend to go on.
Apologies for wasting your time, I'll self diagnose online at somepoint.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Thoughts on seduction

I think I seduced someone on the plane recently. Usually I don't talk to anyone on planes, but this person was in distress initially, due to some nausea. I initially chatted them up to get their mind off the flight and the reality of their circumstances, but this person seemed genuinely interested in things about me that I think of as mundane, like where I'm from or my profession. And maybe it's an old habit, but I thought, here is someone that could be seduced. And what else am I doing on this plane? (Work, but it can wait, because plane seduction target).

The whole thing gave me a little deja vu because I seduced (my special definition of the word, see all other former posts on seduction) someone else in a similar manner and I'm still very good friends with that person (after a very spotty romance). It's happened in less identical but still similar ways maybe a half dozen other times. I'm charmed that the person is so charmed by me. The feeling intoxicates me, so I keep charming them.

Sometimes it gets a little intense for the person, I can see it in their eyes. Like when a child is begging to be tickled, but at a certain point it can get a little overwhelming -- almost painful. They know that the sensations they are feeling are spiraling out of control, but it's the sort of heady, vertiginous experience of thrill rides. That is, it's a sensation that most people seek out, not avoid.

And I'm quite good at it. That's what surprised me about this episode, because it's actually been a while since I've even thought about it. (It's like riding a bike?) But the whole time during the plane seduction, now with my more self-aware (every other week therapy) self I was wondering -- what is the point to any of this? At this place in my life I can make a pretty good guess that this person will either (1) get chewed up in the forces of my sociopathic traits, the strictures of my religion, and my generally not being (almost not at all) what they think I am, among other things, or (2) they will find enough to appreciate about actual me (despite me not being what they thought) and keep me as a sort of exotic friend pet, to amuse and flatter them from time to time when they know that I'll sense they need it and/or I'll otherwise be a regular supplier of small thrills.

And as I see this all with a little more clarity than the last go around, I wonder -- which will this person be? Be strong enough to appreciate some things about me without getting torn apart by others? And should I have some sense of paternalism to rescue this one? I think it would have to be paternalism. I don't think this particular person would stay away otherwise, because when I got off the plane and we separated, they looked like the nausea had come back, sick at something. The thought of being separated? Separated from this person that seemed so easily to read one's very soul? (I could tell this particular person was suffering from the vertigo that young adults often feel as they become older and their world seems to be shrinking by the second with limitless life possibilities zeroing in on the one they chose, hundreds of friendships narrowing down to just a few acquaintances, etc. It's an odd sensation for the sufferer, but one that I've seen often enough to easily recognize.).

These thoughts of the promise of renewal or destruction (a coin flip's chance of each) used to only be delicious to me. Now there's an odd sense of poignancy. The pleasant dissonance of an altered 7th chord. I can tell this time I feel more attached to my own role as "part of humanity". I'm actually more curious to see how I keep behaving than to see how the other person does.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The possibility of change

Is it possible that people with sociopathic traits might not necessarily like the way their life is going? And if so, is it possible for them to change? From a commenter, "I made myself believe I had changed, because I changed my behavior, but my thought process is the same":

So it occurred to me by accident (someone said it as a joke while I was trying to explain why I feel different) that I'm probably a sociopath. The thing is, going off of some of these "medical" articles, I can't be. But reading what other people say about themselves, It seems pretty accurate. 

I DO THINK I feel some emotions, but I know for a fact I fake MOST. What's concerning me (the reason I started the conversation that led to that "joke") is that I'm not actually sure if my emotions that I THOUGHT were genuine are also bullshit. I know I've felt genuine remorse, I can remember 2 instances that I KNOW were real (because I didn't tell anyone about it, nobody was around to see my theatrics and I cried because I know I caused someone pain.) Both of these instances involve the same person. I think I feel some empathy, but I don't know if i actually do. Like I get it on an intellectual level, but I don't know that I actually FEEL IT. I know there have been some instances where I FORCE MYSELF to try to put myself in someone's shoes but it doesn't move me that. I have done a lot of grimy things "for fun" I spent a lot of time just playing games with people (basically every relationship). 

Occasionally I would make people stay away from me. I'd tell myself I was doing this out of some type of kindness but if I think back honestly, it's more likely that they were too easy to control or too predictable. I created chaos nd manipulated situations to make them interesting "lets see what will happen if...." I don't like people who are cruel "for no reason" I do feel rage at things that I perceive as wrong or unjust, I do try to do "nice things" for strangers. But I'm not sure what my motivation is for it. I've always been a liar, but I hate liars. I've never been faithful in a relationship but I would get I THINK genuinely angry if someone Acted as though they suspected me of anything. I have "morals" but it's not based on emotion and they get real fuzzy when it suits me. 

I found someone who was just like me. From the moment we met we knew it. I was in "a relationship" with him for 4 years and I was fascinated by him. by trying to destroy him. He's everything I hate and it made me NEED to be around him. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. He also hated me. But we got to be ourselves, we got to try to outwit each other. It was fun until it got boring. It's so fucking weird. idk you guys don't care lol. 

The thing is, I feel like I want to FIX this disconnect. I'm not okay with this. I made myself believe I had changed, because I changed my behavior, but my thought process is the same. Idk what I'm hoping to get out of this. I actually DO want to be a good person. I WANT to feel bad about doing wrong, but I don't. "Shame" is an act, unless I'm embarrassed. I do think I love, but I think it's a very selfish variation because I do turn on people I "love" very viciously if they make me angry. But I also am vicious to those who hurt the ones I "love" so there's SOMETHING there. I have a baby now. I don't want to mess her up. Idk what to do.

Friday, May 27, 2016

How Empaths can Attain Sociopathic Abilities

From a reader under the subject line of the post title:

I think one of the most seductive features of your blog is the sense that people are getting this window into this world of having immense social power. It's certainly how it's been for me. Partly by reading your blog (and similar material), I really developed a strong interest in actually having such abilities.

Now, I am rather good at a few unnamed things. What I've learned from those things is that practice is the only way to get better. Sociopaths aren't born with social talent. They develop it by having no inhibitions, and as such have a constant feedback loop where they are stimulated by extrinsic rewards (power, favors, etc.) instead of intrinsic rewards (love, fun, connection). Having that intrinsic reward loop shut off turns on a completely different reward system. Learning is very closely related to reward, so sociopaths learn very fast and from a very young age how to manipulate people.

For empaths, reading books (i.e. 48 Laws of Power) is a start. It doesn't actually help you much right away - it raises your awareness level, but if those books don't already seem intuitive, you're going to struggle for a while at first. Books like that build that framework of extrinsic rewards obtained from social interactions and help scaffold learning in everyday interactions. To truly train yourself, however, you need more.

My number one training activity of social interactions is to imagine myself as another person, with all of their different feelings, interests, etc. What's it like to be them, in a normal situation, with their own thoughts, insecurities, emotions, self-delusions of superiority, etc. This is like learning perspective, form and lighting for art - the scaffolding on which you build your toolkit.

Meditation helps you get to a state where this actually becomes easier, and your gut instinct about others becomes better because you gain a much more nuanced version of all of the little subconscious things happening in your brain. Likewise, you can start to sense these nuances in others.

Applying this gut instinct, cognitive empathy and meditation gets results. Each month I look back and wonder how I was so clueless in the previous month, like my learning is so rapid that I'm gaining years of average improvement in the time span of two weeks to a month.

It's been an incredibly transformative experience. I hardly recognize myself a couple years ago, and cringe when I imagine it.
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