Friday, May 20, 2016

A girl has no name

What happens to people with personality disorders to make them the way they are? Speaking from personal experience, but also saying something that can easily generalize much more broadly, there is a genetic component but it is also triggered. When you are little, instead of developing a sense of your own identity, you learn to think of yourself as a cipher. You do it because there is no advantage to you in being a particular someone (much less the particular person you are), and every advantage in being whatever the situation calls for, in blending in with the background, in being the strings that pull other people rather than being a person yourself. Kierkegaard speaks of something similar:

For every man is primitively planned to be a self, appointed to become oneself; and while it is true that every self as such is angular, the logical consequence of this merely is that it has to be polished, not that it has to be ground smooth, not that for fear of men it has to give up entirely being itself, nor even that for fear of men it dare not be itself in its essential accidentality (which precisely is what should not be ground away), by which in fine it is itself. 
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[But when the sense of self is lost] he may nevertheless (although most commonly it becomes manifest) be perfectly well able to live on, to be a man, as it seems, to occupy himself with temporal things, get married, beget children, win honor and esteem -- and perhaps no one notices that in a deeper sense he lacks a self. About such a thing as that not much fuss is made in the world; for a self is the thing the world is least apt to inquire about, and the thing of all things the most dangerous for a man to let people notice that he has it. The greatest danger, that of losing one's own self, may pass off as quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc., is sure to be noticed.
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But while one sort of despair plunges wildly into the infinite and loses itself, a second sort permits itself as it were to be defrauded by "the others." By seeing the multitude of men about it, by getting engaged in all sorts of worldly affairs, by becoming wise about how things go in this world, such a man forgets himself, forgets what his name is (in the divine understanding of it), does not dare to believe in himself, finds it too venturesome a thing to be himself, far easier and safer to be like the others, to become an imitation, a number, a cipher in the crowd.

So a personality disordered person might lose their sense of self, but it can actually be as empowering as it is tragic. Without a self, there isn't the same potential for ego hurt -- we no longer live a life motivated largely by fear. The most vulnerable and valuable part of us has already died. What is left is a cipher, a thing that can take the form and shape of whatever is most convenient in the moment.

GAME OF THRONES SPOILER ALERT

So it's with interest that I wonder where Game of Thrones is going with the Arya plot line. The quick summary is that she is a noble born girl hell bent on revenge for the death of her parents. She's become an accomplished killer, but has also gotten caught up in this sort of cult in which she is being asked to become "no one" -- to leave her old identity behind and instead have the capability of wearing any number of masks and appearing like any number of different people, a lethal assassin. Repeatedly she is asked what her name is, and repeatedly she must answer "a girl has no name" as part of her further depersonalization.

In the books, regarding Arya it says "She could feel the hole inside of her where her heart had been" and "She would be no one if that is what it took. No one had no holes inside of her."

This video explains the psychological changes she undergoes, and how she can hardly function like a person because she cannot trust, all she knows is killing and survival.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

BPD + ASPD = perfect match?

This has been mentioned briefly before, but I liked this recent comment for why borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder often go together like peanut butter and jam:

One takes nothing personally, the other takes everything personally.
Psychopathic detachment can diffuse Borderline reactive rage; Borderline extreme emotion can be sufficiently 'loud' to penetrate psychopathic flattened affect; the non-judgmental approach of a psychopath can counter the black/white thinking of a Borderline, in the 'quiet' times when they're receptive to logic. The self-confident psychopath won't care about any Borderline accusations or insults.

Psychopaths [no fear] aren't bothered about the 'walking on eggshells' aspect of Borderline. And Borderlines usually appreciate the optimism and drive of the psychopath.

The only downside is the abandonment issues of the Borderline, since the psychopath....abandons, eventually. Although if the borderline is 'stabilised' by that point - they usually breathe a sigh of relief as they wave goodbye

Monday, May 16, 2016

Tylenol = other people's painkiller

Researcher's at Ohio State University found that using at least one type of over the counter painkiller decreases your assessment of other people's pain:

When you take acetaminophen to reduce your pain, you may also be decreasing your empathy for both the physical and social aches that other people experience, a new study suggests.

Researchers at The Ohio State University found, for example, that when participants who took acetaminophen learned about the misfortunes of others, they thought these individuals experienced less pain and suffering, when compared to those who took no painkiller.

“These findings suggest other people’s pain doesn’t seem as big of a deal to you when you’ve taken acetaminophen,” said Dominik Mischkowski, co-author of the study and a former Ph.D. student at Ohio State, now at the National Institutes of Health.
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In an earlier study, Way and other colleagues found that acetaminophen also blunts positive emotions like joy.
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While these results had not been seen before, they make sense in the light of previous research, Way said.

A 2004 study scanned the brains of people as they were experiencing pain and while they were imagining other people feeling the same pain. Those results showed that the same part of the brain was activated in both cases.

“In light of those results, it is understandable why using Tylenol to reduce your pain may also reduce your ability to feel other people’s pain as well,” he said.

The researchers are continuing to study how acetaminophen may affect people’s emotions and behavior, Way said. They are also beginning to study another common pain reliever – ibuprofen – to see if it has similar results.

This makes sense to me. I feel like I identify more with people and experience a stronger, more compelling cognitive empathy for people undergoing something that I can relate to. Because I haven't traditionally felt or acknowledge my feelings, is that why my empathy is so underdeveloped? I.e., does your experience feeling or having felt a particular thing directly relate to your ability to empathize? Is part of empathy just an emotional memory you're experiencing or a projection of our own current mental states on those of others?

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Against Empathy

I think I tweeted this, but it is worth its own post. Paul Bloom explains in this video for the Atlantic how empathy is a bad thing:



I didn't tweet this link to the "Notes" section of the Atlantic related to this, featuring a commenter's assertion re sociopaths:

Empathy is what allows us to navigate day by day. A human without empathy is a sociopath or a robot. The way empathy is discussed in the video is so flawed by mixing it with altruism, which is very different than empathy but is more closely aligned to the charity model discussed. And do not kid yourself: Altruism is a “what’s in it for me,” while empathy drives connections towards others.

The comments are also predictably outraged

Monday, May 9, 2016

Power for the sake of power?

From a sociopathic identifying reader on what's the point of it all:

I have been a frequent reader of the sociopath world blog and for a long time it has helped me to organize my own thoughts but... I feel that there is a problem that I simply cannot tackle. For years I've had a bloated sense of ego, I suppose. I mean, my successes, however insignificant they may appear to others, are very important to me to a point that I am constantly boastful of them. It's not just minor things like winning a game or getting that oh so important promotion at work. Those things are minuscule at best to me. I'm talking about a span of a few years where I went head to head with, who I now believe, to be a fellow sociopath.

At the time I was not aware of my mental state. Sure, I did know I was different but to what extent I neither understood why or cared to find out. It was during this time that I met him. We started off as good friends and with time that friendship devolved as I watched him take advantage of his friends. He eventually hurt someone I considered to be a sibling to me. Really... I looking back I don't think I confronted him because I cared about her. I think I was just looking for a fight. I confronted him despite his friends chiming in, trying to ridicule me. I remember vividly being unconcerned about them... They didn't matter to me. I came for a reason and it certainly didn't involve any of them. That's when I picked up on his constant lying.

I recall going out of my way to be everything he wasn't. I wanted to prove that he was evil and that by some arbitrary reasoning I instead was good. If he was going to lie to his friends, I would focus on blunt honesty. If he was going to throw his friends away, I was going to be loyal. The one thing I couldn't simply throw away was manipulation. He and I both did that... and though I showed these traits of honesty and loyalty, they were driven by an honor code that I would simply cast aside if it failed to benefit me.

I can already tell that at this point I'm rambling like a mad man but my history with him brings that out in me. Which leads to the problem... After about a year into our rivalry I was diagnosed with ASPD. At the time it was something I resented... "There was noting wrong with me." I thought. To be labeled by such an ugly term such as sociopath didn't, at the time, benefit me at any capacity. I went on acting as I had before without dwelling on it much. After all, I was already occupied with trying to be two steps ahead of the guy plotting two steps ahead of me at all times. I knew this... I knew I had to be able to adapt. To take whatever he threw at me and toss it back. Something that he never quite managed to do himself. There was a sort of mutual respect that he and I shared despite displaying ourselves as hating one another. I remember having an intense reaction to him at even his mention but it was fleeting and could not be maintained no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to cling to this feeling. I'm not sure if it was hate or adrenaline... but I was addicted. It just couldn't last, I'm afraid. I remember purposefully coming up with bandaid solutions for the stuff he would stir up. Prolonging our fighting just so that I could plan the next of our battles. Unfortunately, I had to put an end to it for good so I planted seeds all around me. Suggested that he was evil and that those who would side with me would be "safe". Needless to say, the ones he had wronged easily turned. Before long I had amassed a powerful enough army to take him down. Disgraced, he fled... but after that I've lost all of my motivation.

I've ignited smaller wars over the years but not one person has ever been the challenge that he was. Then there was no one left to fight at all... I feel like I've been wasting my potential but when I chase those feelings of fulfillment and power I promptly lose interest. I've tried looking for enemies but it turns out when you're actively searching for a fight you only find losers. I've tried making friends thinking that I'd find acceptance or something of substance to distract me but I find myself incapable of maintaining them. I lose interest in people just so easily now that I don't know if I have any worthwhile friendships to hold onto. I even once tried to start a cult but my lack of motivation struck and it fell apart within a couple of days.

I'm afraid that I'm losing my touch and I don't know where to turn to gain the motivation I need to do anything. I thought it was depression but don't you have to feel sad when you're depressed? If that's the case I really don't think I could manage being that for as long as I have. If I have to sum up the way I feel in tangible words for me, it would be boredom. I'm bored. I put so much focus on what I was doing back then that I cannot take my mind off of it. I am stuck on what was rather than what is and instead of chasing something of substance I gain momentary ego trips when I reminisce on something that's long gone. I honestly don't know what to do and that bothers me.

M.E.:

Yeah, I think you might be bored because there's no real meaning in cultivating power. It's engaging while it lasts, but ultimately it is no longer compelling to us. Perhaps we mature or perhaps we grow in wisdom, but we can suddenly see more clearly that there's not really any point to it. But what else will occupy our mile a minute thoughts? What other projects can engage us with such captivation? This, I believe, is the almost universal problem of the maturing sociopath.

Also, I should say, as a descriptive matter it is absolutely true that sociopaths behave in a way that indicates that there is pleasure in cultivating power for its own sake (i.e. the pleasure of ruining someone is not about the ruining but about an expression of power). It's only as a prescriptive matter that I suggest to sociopaths that the pleasure from cultivating power may not continue to be enough to get you out of bed in the morning, the older you get.
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