Thursday, March 24, 2016

Real life sociopath encounter?

A reader pitched me an encounter he had with a stranger that he suspected was sociopathic and asked if he could have done anything better than he did:

I enjoy reading the Sociopath World blog.

I have had difficulties with sociopaths in my lifetime.  Myself being a little different, I seem to be viewed as easy prey.  

It seems impossible to remove myself from a situation with a sociopath whether it is a long term relationship or short term encounter.

The frustrating part is I feel I am able to politely remove myself from any situation I might encounter with a sociopath but I feel even being polite does not work.  I have seen situations where a person asks another person politely asks someone to stop doing something and the person physically attacks them.

Here is a scenario I encountered recently at a casino.

I walk up to a slot machine.  A person who I realized later on was a sociopath is sitting at the chair at the machine I want to play.  Here is the dialogue and what transpired.

Me: Excuse me.  Is anyone using this machine?

Sociopath:  No.  Do you want to use it? ( My thinking already was this guy is probably an arrogant sociopath.  OF COURSE I WANT TO USE IT.  I am sure in his mind he was being polite by putting the power in his corner by asking if I want to use it.  As if he is being a nice guy doing me a favor. If I was sitting at a machine and someone asked me this I would just say "No" and get up and leave.).

Me: Thank you.

The sociopath sits at the chair next to me.  He was dressed and groomed appropriately but I am the type of person that can figure people out easily.  He looked like he just got out of jail.

I proceed to play and begin winning huge.  It was insane how much I was winning.  When winning reels came up the sociopath would calculate how much my winnings were as if he was doing me a favor.  After I hit the spin button on the machine he would put his hand up and pretend to control the reels on the machine.  (I was thinking how could he not realize he was being as annoying as fuck.)  He would also give me fist pumps.  This guy was annoying the hell out of me and knew eventually he would ask me for money.  I was actually afraid of him and wanted nothing to do with him.  But the machine was so hot I could not leave.  I thought I would be able to play along, be friendly, and get the hell out.  I even gave him a beer for free.  I was in Las Vegas so drinks are complimentary so it cost me a $1.00 tip.   I jokingly told him that he was a good luck charm 


After one winning spin he says, "Gimme some" in a half angry voice.  He thought it was funny but he couldn't care less how inappropriate it was.  I stared at him for 10 seconds hoping he could get the message I was not giving him a dime.

During my conversation with him, he told me how he was moving to Las Vegas for his brother. I could tell it was a lie.  I asked what he did for a living.  He said architect which was horseshit.    He asked me what my favorite type of food to eat was.  I said Italian.  Of course he tells me his is also an Italian chef.  This guy saw dollar signs and was spewing lies everywhere.  

At this point I was thinking how crazy he was for thinking I would believe his crap.  I thought my only way out was to pretend to be his friend and hope that would be enough for him to not rob me.  

Two hours later I racked up about $2.5K on the machine.  I was ready to leave.  I wanted to say, " I am tired.  I am going to get back to my hotel room.  My girlfriend must be wondering where I am."  I didn't.  

I was afraid even being polite and reasonable with him would make him angry.    I asked if he wanted to go to another casino with me.  I thought about not cashing in my TITO (machine payout slip).  I could say to him "I do not want to carry around this much cash."  I decided to cash the TITO to show him my trust I had.  

I told him I would drive.  So here I am in a car with a sociopath and $2.5K cash.  We get to the casino.  I end up winning another $500.  Fast forward we get back in the car and I take him back to his hotel.  He asks if I could buy dinner for his "good luck charm".  I gave him $20.00 and felt like I got off cheap.   It was a traumatic experience.

My questions are. 

Would a raging sociopath like this have pulled a knife and robbed me in a casino with a million cameras?

Would being reasonable with him have gotten me out of the situation?  

What should I have done?

My response:

I actually think you played this pretty well? I mean, I probably would have never gotten in the car with him, but maybe that was what was necessary to continue the evening in a way that didn't interrupt your plans while waiting for him to get kind of tired of you? I.e. you never provoked him until he got over the dangerous initial period in which he was likely to act on impulse. You know what I mean? Like after he had been around you for an hour or two, any impulse to attack you would have been less strong and less likely to be acted on until you were just another possible opportunity that never came to fruition? I don't know.

But what does everyone else think?

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

What's you vs. the disorder?

I've heard a lot of explanations for why despite being disordered, there's still something beyond that worthy of moral condemnation. Let me unpack that a little more -- a lot of people will acknowledge that my brain has certain deficits (e.g. empathy, recognition of my own emotional states, etc.), deficits that I never asked to have (i.e. born or acquired/developing by the time I was an infant or toddler). But despite acknowledging that is true, there is something about me that is still morally abhorrent to them. So since they feel that way, they often try to come up with logical reasons to justify that feeling. I've heard a lot of variations on the theme, to list just a few: (1) I still have the power to choose, so I should (or at least could theoretically) just choose to go against all of my hardwiring, 100% of the time,  just by sheer strength of willpower (just like gay people can can choose to go against their hardwiring and act straight), (2) everybody has brain problems and we can't allow people a "get out of jail free" card for their brain issues otherwise no one would ever try to surmount their brain problems and society would collapse (although this one doesn't explain why the moral animus, i.e. why I am morally culpable, just that people think I should be economically responsible for the harm/consequences of my actions), (3) I was created evil or am some sort of devil that is inherently morally wrong. But actually the one that bothered me most at the time that I first heard it, perhaps because it was in part used to justify some very bad behavior towards me, was "it's not the things you've done, it's the way you feel about them." To this person, I had not done anything truly objectionable, it was more my lack of guilt about having done them. They said, it's not your disorder that is a problem, it's your attitude about it. I never did reply, it wouldn't have mattered at that point, but internally I yelled -- the disorder is the attitude.  

I thought about this again while watching the movie Still Alice, about someone with early onset Alzheimer's. She gives a speech about what her experience of that disorder is that I thought was remarkably like living with anything that is both part of you, and not really -- where the lines of what is you and what is the disorder blur, particularly in the minds of other people:

  The poet Elizabeth Bishop once wrote: 
   The art of losing isn’t hard to master. So many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their lost is no disaster. 
   I am not a poet. I am a person living with early onset Alzheimer’s, and as that person I find myself learning the art of losing every day. Losing my bearings, losing objects, losing sleep, but mostly losing memories. 
   ***
   All my life, I’ve accumulated memories; they’ve become in a way my most precious possessions. The night I met my husband, the first time I held my textbook in my hands, having children, making friends, traveling the world. Everything I accumulated in life, everything I worked so hard for, now all that is being ripped away. As you can imagine, or as you know, this is hell, but it gets worse. 
   Who can take us seriously when we are so far from who we once were? Our strange behavior and fumbled sentences change other’s perceptions of us and our perceptions of ourselves. We become ridiculous, incapable, comic, but this is not who we are, this is our disease. And like any disease, it has a cause, it has a progression, and it could have a cure. 
   My greatest wish is that my children, our children, the next generation do not have to face what I am facing. But for the time being, I’m still alive, I know I’m alive. I have people I love dearly, I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things. But I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy. And please do not think that I am suffering, I am not suffering. I am struggling, struggling to be a part of things, to stay connected to who I once was. 
   So living in the moment I tell myself. 
   It’s really all I can do. Live in the moment, and not beat myself up too much, and, and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing. 

It's an interesting thought -- if something has a "cure" or is "treatable" or at least alterable, does that mean it's never "you"? 

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Good and bad

A reader shares a different perspective on good and bad, which I am not sure I understood completely, but it seemed to have a ring of truth to it:

I stumbled upon this insightful article that categorizes different types of morality while challenging popular notions of what is good and evil.  I think this is a good read for anyone struggling with the concept of morality; sociopaths and empaths alike.

However, there are passages that really stuck out to me in terms of identifying with sociopaths. When talking about "highly intelligent" people who fail to feel compassion or sympathy for their "victims":

So, why do people suffer, and why do people feel pain at the hands of these people if there is no "evil" in the world? 
The answer?  Because these "evil" people lack sensitivity of soul.  They lack wisdom.
Intelligence and knowledge are tools that help us process and play with the ideas of the fragmented reality that our minds create.  Wisdom on the other hand is the sensor that experiences a direct connection to it, it is the sentient perceiver of our existence, the pathway straight to the heart. 
These misguided and unwise people are incapable of cultivating peace and harmony in their lives, so instead they act on whatever provides a fleeting sense of fulfillment: money, power, gratification.  To them these feelings are "good"; they provide security and a false sense of fulfillment, and so they are willing to do anything to anyone to continue feeling these things.

If this were true, is it possible for a naturally "unwise" person to gain the wisdom needed to halt the persistent need for these "fleeting feelings"? Is it possible for them to achieve true self-fulfillment? 

This basically sums it up:

"Good" could be said to be conscious, loving and wise behavior while "Evil" could be considered egotistical, fearful and unconscious behavior.  These words work as metaphors for personal growth, as measurements for the quality of life you're attracting.  For example, anything which helps you 'awaken' to this wisdom, to experience yourself, to become more authentic and experience something higher than yourself is "good", while anything that hinders this is "evil". 
The wiser people will realize that "evil" behavior will attract many problems into their lives - such things as enemies, low self-esteem, paranoia, addictions, attachments, persistent dissatisfaction and suffering, world-weariness and cynicism to name a few. 
Essentially, those people who do "good" in life aren't perfectly saintly beings, but are people who realize, if only intuitively, that doing good benefits them, that being compassionate results in less suffering for themselves and produces a deeper sense of fulfillment and connection to others.
I'm very interested to hear what you have to say about this particular viewpoint, and what you believe to be true or false. Thanks 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Scripted

I thought this analogy was pretty interesting, from a comment from a pretty recent post:

Imagine, a script for every occasion, all kept in several filing cabinets; a secretary sits at a desk nearby, jabbing her fingers away at a typewriter keeping notes and processing the continuous stream of thoughts I'm having that are being used to adapt and write new scripts for me to perform. I might ask her to fetch a script from one of the drawers in the cabinets when I need it, or sometimes I spontaneously do improvised acting, flying script free. I like to improvise especially when it's in my best interests to do so, as prior scripts don't always suit the occasion. Afterwards I sit on the top of my secretary's desk and write a new script using the new material from what was improvised, sipping some hot black coffee and musing on how to better perfect my art of acting.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

My sociopath girlfriend?

Some of these guessing games from readers tickle me a little, either because I see some of myself in them or because the thought of this person out there in the world doing whatever he or she wants is sort of charming to me.

Despite these people being too young to tell, something tells me that this story will seem familiar to some of you. From a reader, regarding her girlfriend who gives off sociopathic vibes:

I think my girlfriend is a sociopath. We are both just finishing high school so I don't know if you can "diagnose" her at 17 but I just want some input. I've been with her for a year and a half now but I'll just give you a list of some of the things she does.

Whenever she's done something wrong to ME, she can somehow turn the situation back on me posing as though it's my fault. The issue is It always works. She'll try different methods of getting the same reaction from me. She'll fake hurt, as though she's sad or upset as though I hurt her. If that doesn't work which all this depends on my mood at the time she'll try ignoring me. This normally works as her giving me attention makes me feel good about myself. So when she ignores me I fee as though I've done something terrible to her and I'll consistently apologize and then get angry at her for doing this which just starts the whole cycle over again. But after a few rounds of this it always ends in sex. She wants sex all the and it an be odd especially when I'm declining and she's pushing for it. It feels like she's bored and she gets stimulation out of this. She told me multiple times she doesn't even like the feeling. So I don't know what she's in it for. Another thing is She's amazing at it but one thing I think might be of note is she likes to be on top, and dominant. Not like a dominatrix but she wants to be in charge. 

This girl is one of the most unique I've ever met. She never judges anyone for anything and I believe that's because she does terrible things herself or she just doesn't care enough about other people to remark on their business. 

She's dominant, abrasive, highly intelligent, but her reactions to things are off. Her father just died last month and she hardy cared about it. 

One thing she does is she sees things as a win or lose, relationships for her are either beneficial in some way or they're useless. I actually believe she's incapable of having healthy relationships she was cheating on me with 2 guys and 1 girl at the same time. When confronted with this she told me she never liked me, I was terrible in bed, and i just give her relief from the boredom. This visibly hurt me and she knew it, but the next day she spoke to me as though everything was fine! 

She's very popular in school for her weird but charming personality, she's befriended the creepy kids and the athletic popular ones. She's known for being "wild" and funny but also loud, and promiscuous. She's not even considered beautiful ( she really could be if she put effort in) but she acts as though she is. 

She's constantly asking how people see her as though she doesn't know how she acts. But one day she's the life of the party the next she's indifferent about her "friends" which she doesn't have many of. She's popular but true friends she has 1 of and I assume it's because the girl is like her. She's calculating, and seemingly indifferent about everything. She's smart as hell but can't understand people's emotions enough to comfort them through anything or even relate. Oh and another thing is she's  training to be an actor. Go figure. She mimics perfectly. Once while meeting a Scottish friend, after he introduced himself she said something back but in his own accent. These might be small examples but these are just a handful of the things she does. She's truly cold. I can see how she intoxicates people, but she can be a bitch because she's so strong willed and capable. 

Do you think she's a sociopath?
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